Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I am off to get me some emotional intelligence…you want to come too?

Good morning everyone. I appreciate all of your love as I navigate some difficult terrain on my life path. I know I have always been extremely hard on myself and I am learning to love myself better. It’s not easy, as I am learning that my patterning is lacking some integrity in some places. I am learning how flawed I really am and how many mistakes I have made. I am learning that I was the one who was wrong when I was blaming others. I am learning how deeply and badly and consistently I was harmed and I am really trying not to be harmful to others. I have been harmful to others and that is a hard pill for me to swallow. So…I guess I do beat myself up over it. I am a work in progress and I am definitely a hurt people who has hurt people. What in the fuck do we do when we wake up to realize who we have been? How do we not want to go back to sleep or cease to exist all together when we realize that we are the most fucked up part of our equations? For me, I’m struggling with those questions and with the want to be here now. I am struggling to ceasefire on myself and to stop reliving all of this pain. I am aware that the only thing I’ve really got going for me right now is my ability to own my shit, which isn’t much really. I will be mucking this out for a while. I have been sitting in it all of my life…a cesspool of shit…marinating in it and bathing in it. It is way past time to come clean. As I come clean, there are many tears and some regrets. There is a lot of pain for pain I’ve caused. There is collateral damage for my selfish and senseless actions and inactions. So, if you’re looking for me, I will be dealing with my part of the cesspool. I think I’ve walked around this pool my whole life and been thrown in it consistently. I swim in the deep waters, the murky and cloudy waters of a pool that my family created simply by doing nothing about this pool at all, except for to deny its very existence. Alcoholism and incest…child abuse and infidelity…lies and cheating and berating and blaming…and it was my way of life for well, my entire life. Family get togethers and family reunions…all fueled by alcohol and inappropriate conduct, sexual deviance and perversion. Thanksgiving with a blanket of drunkenness and a twist of sexual deviance….as we give thanks over the big dead bird in the center of the table. The irony and dichotomy….the duality and triangulation…the push and the pull and the fallout of my life…all fueled by deep family pain and dysfunction. Generations of family pain and fucking with the children and the animals… the screaming and the pinching and the slapping and the punching…the lies and the sex and the fountain of alcohol to numb it all. As I stand here, looking back, I’ve a more clear view of it all. I am a product of my own abuse and I have been the abuser at times myself. I am a broken down alcoholic, incest survivor who just cannot get her shit together some days. Sitting in the middle of this cesspool this morning with the lies of my life ricocheting throughout my entire being…I just sit quietly. What else am I to do? I mean really…I guess I will just be sitting with all of this for a bit.

For those of you whom I have wronged, I ask your forgiveness. For those of you whom I’ve hurt, I am so sorry. For those who love me still and just them same, thank you. And as for me, I’m learning to love myself, in spite of existing in a loveless place for so long. I am learning how to be kind and not snarky and inpatient and sarcastic. I am learning not to laugh at what isn’t funny, but because I am uncomfortable inside. I am learning to be silent in my pain and to pause before I speak. I am learning that I’ve been more reactive to my entire life than proactive and I am making adjustments accordingly, as I am able. I see the hot mess in the mirror and I am trying to figure out what in the fuck to do with her. So, ya I guess I am a little hard on myself sometimes. I will work on that too.

I miss Aiden and I’m glad he is basking in his justice! I am basking in his justice too. Aiden sends love to his man without the leg often and I know the man feels Aidens love. Aiden knows that hurt people hurt people and he loves just the same. Some day I am going to be like Aiden. Some day, in spite of all of my pain and the wrongdoing in my life, I am going to exhault my pinnacle like Aiden. Some day my heart will love like Aidens and my mind won’t fuck everything up so much. Some day I won’t need any words and all I will be is love, like Aiden too. Today though, I am not Aiden, I am just striving to be like Aiden and missing Aiden so so much. I love you Aiden. Thank you for all of the love and trust and color and beauty you have brought into my world. I love you little buddy. I love you so much!

And so, with that, I am crawling back into bed to say my prayers. I will be here a while this morning, as I’ve no idea where to turn or which way to begin addressing the wreckage of my life. I can’t be sorry enough for some things and for some of the people who have landed in this wreckage. I lift up every single person that I have wronged or harmed this morning that they may be washed clean of the shit that I spewed all over them.

My main focus is my life henceforth is to practice emotional intelligence. Tamara picked this up at her conference on the Link between domestic violence and animal abuse. I had never heard of emotional intelligence. If you’ve met me, this is not a surprise at all, is it? Emotional intelligence is “the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judicially and empathetically. Emotional intelligence is the key to personal and professional success.”

And so it is no wonder that without emotional intelligence, I have missed key points in both my personal and professional lives. Better late than never, right? I mean it explains everything. Now I just have to unravel it all and get it aired out and healing and then we can begin again, building the Coral I know I am at my core.

As all of this pain and dysfunction and guilt and blame and shame begin to wash off of me, I thank God and each of you for your love and forgiveness. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you. Let us all learn about and practice some emotional intel today, shall we?

Meeting God through the eyes of each other…

Happy Friday everyone! I hope your week has been amazing! I hope your life is all that you imagine. I hope you are happy with who you are. I am trying to realize what is missing from me so that I can complete me. There feels to have always been a piece of me missing. I always thought that the missing piece was someone else. I am learning that what is missing from me is me. Pain seems to be my biggest teacher right now and I find the classroom to be a bit stale and uncomfortable…a bit stuffy and uptight. And so, I’m up to stretch my legs and walk around a bit before going back in and taking this lesson seriously. I am going to go for a run and then for a bath in the river to wash me clean and then I shall return to the lesson and the classroom. This pain and learning…learning and pain…it’s foreign to me in a way and in another way, it already is my way. I don’t know why but I have definitely lived a life full of pain and I have a little heart full of rain. Some days, like the last three, the rain floods out everything else and I get pretty fucking washed out. I miss what I don’t hold. I don’t hold what I have in my hands properly. I feel like I am one step out of touch with myself. One fucking step out of step with my highest self, my Dharma…and that one step has me skipping like a scratched and warped record. I feel the flow and my stride picks up and then that one fucking step that I am out of rhythm with throws me back into my abyss. This skipping and warped record…the skip and the uneasiness of it all…I think it’s all of this fucking pain. My own self skips a beat in all of the pain and my record cannot even release to hit the charts to see where it might land. The one step that I am out of is the one step that I need to right my own rhythm. Every other step stands in wait as I master this one. My breath flows steadily in and slowly and intentioned back out again, as I consciously embrace and sit with all of this pain. I immerse myself in it and wrap myself up in it, bathe in it and thank God for it, as it is the path I have chosen to exhault me to my own pinnacle.

And on another note…damn it do I miss Aiden! A year and a half of all Aiden, all the time, and I am lonely without him. I know I must detach myself from he and his family energetically right now so that they can all bask in the glory of Aidens victory and of Aiden being back home with them. I can just see Jaxson and Aiden and Dori celebrating just being together with Aiden and my heart is full. I know Aidens mom and Dad must be so happy and able to come down now and I never wanted anything more for all of them. I have definitely missed them since court on Thursday, when the universe told me to let them go. Aiden wrote his mom a note and I dropped it in the mail. I picked up my piles of Aiden rosters and pictures and my own little heart ❤️♥️💜 and I said a little prayer, actually a big prayer, for Aiden and his beautiful family. When our work is done, it is forgotten and that is how it lasts forever. I know that no matter how long I live I will never forget Aiden or his family. Thank you Aiden for taking me with you on your journey and for trusting me to exhault you to your pinnacle. I am still doing the Aiden fro grow for your strength and I am only ever a call away. Your mom and I are building your new trachea in our dreams with God and we’ve got you! I LOVE YOU AIDEN!!!!! I love you so much little buddy!! Thank you for the color you bring to my world. I will be strong and stop crying about missing you so much and I will come and visit you once the energy settles and everyone’s lives return to order a bit. I am always with you and never more than a breath away.

Missing Aiden…missing my mom…missing Robin and her family…missing my own family…Mostly though, I guess I really just miss me. I miss me when I’m not totally thrown into my work and not sitting where I’m sitting now, desperately trying to right me and my life and to illuminate my own path. Aiden, please help me to exhault my pinnacle too, okay? Somewhere between this ring and the last one, I lost my grip. Somewhere between the last lap and this pit stop, I have lost my stamina. Somewhere between you and I, I have lost myself little buddy. Who the fuck am I without you Aiden? Who am I without my sister Robin? Who am I without my mom? Who the fuck am I without me Aiden? Where did I go and can you help me to find my way back? I found you in the recliner and I stayed with you until we could get out and I knew how to do that. I don’t know how I knew. I just know that I knew how to keep us safe together and to come home together. Look at me now Aiden. I need help getting back in the game. I have my red adidas shoes on and I’m holding my mala in my hands. I am on my knees in prayer position and I am ready to be exhaulted. Aiden, please raise me up to you that I may take my place in the world at your right hand, to do your work and your bidding for you. And so it is.

Maybe all of this jumbled up rhetoric makes no reasonable sense at all. Maybe I just have to say the words and go through the motions. God says the one attribute which I have that he needs is that I am always willing. Without hesitation, consideration, or question, I stand at the ready for his call. Names for God for me are Aiden and Robin and sister and brother and Tamara and Prajna and Nahko and Mala and Aliah, and Rocky and Taos…Taos is God for sure!!! And so this morning, I call up the God that exists in each of us…our highest self…the best of who we are…to realize the God in each other. Look into my eyes and meet God and invite me into your eyes to meet God.

Today, as directed and by the power vested in me, I clear the fog from my own eyes that you may only ever see divinity in my eyes henceforth. You will not ever be able to look into my eyes again without seeing God in you and I both. God has removed the shroud and gifted each of you, the gift of my eyes. Visits with these eyes and the soul of the divine are coming into play in the world now. Many of you will come to me for this gift, as you have been called to do. Those who seek me will find me. So it is written and so it shall be, that you shall find God within you by looking into the eyes of God in someone else. And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone! Touch your own divinity today so that we may begin to connect and heal our world. I raise us all up to exhault our pinnacles through acts of selfless and unconditional love and service. I am available should you be called to me. I love you.

Meandering thoughts…all aboard!

Good morning everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Labor Day weekend. Our weekend was nice and we are blessed for sure. For me lately, the struggle is real. I’ve been missing my mom in the worst sort of way . For the last few days functionality eludes me a bit. The tears come in waves and wash over me like a tsunami. The emotions are high and the pain is intense, for the loss of the life I once had. I’ve no idea why this hits me this way. I just know that when it does, it leaves me reeling and praying for my own escape from this life that I fail so miserably to understand sometimes. Missing my mom is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to learn to do. There is no reprieve from the emptiness of the void that my mom left when she died. An abyss that sometimes sucks me in and has her way with me, before she spats me out. I scurry to scrape up my broken pieces again before I collapse in the pain of it all. Losing ones mom is no fucking joke. Losing ones mom is having your very soul exposed to the elements with no protective barrier. Life without the one who carried me in, proves difficult, painful and very out of my reach some days. Yesterday was such a day for me. The pain and the tears and the yearning and helpless, hopeless, worthless feeling of it all. I collapsed under the pressure and shattered over and over and over again from the inside. Thank you Tamara for keeping me safe and fed and for giving me space and for being close. Yesterday is the worst mom day I’ve had in a while. Thank you for holding me through the pain and emptiness of it all. I love you Tamara. Thank you for how you love me. Some day I won’t be such a fucking wreck. I promise.

Coming off a year and a half working with Aiden, I feel a little sad to have our time together coming to a close. I am elated that Aiden got what we all gathered to get for him. Aiden was reunited with his family first and then last Thursday, Aiden got justice! I will always go and visit Aiden! I will always be Aidens to some degree and Aiden will always hold sacred space in my very soul. I am glad that Aiden got what Aiden went to court for and I am honored to have been there with him when he got it. The still shot for channel four really does encompass and speak to the love and support for Aiden and his family throughout this ordeal, and I am blessed beyond measure to be a part of Aidens world! I ask for continuing love and prayers for Aiden and for his struggle with Tracheal collapse, as we build Aiden the perfect new throat. Your love and prayers are the reason that Aiden is celebrating with his family and I thank each and every one of you for loving and praying so, so much! Thank you Team Aiden!!! And if you would, say it with me…”I love you Aiden!!!!!”

As I rework my own schedule and charge myself with the energy needed to see my beautiful clients today, a tear rolls down my cheek to see Aidens name gone from its slot on my roster. The tear is for me, for my missing him and it is nothing compared to how happy I am that once my work completes itself, it lives on forever! I will be forever grateful for the work that I do and for the beings I have met doing my work. Aiden is always and forever going to stand out as one of my clients who has touched me the most deeply. I love you Aiden!!!!!Thank you for trusting me to work with and your family little buddy! I am honored to be on Team Aiden! All of my love this morning for Aiden and his family as they return to their lives before Aiden was stolen.

As for me, I am feeling myself retreating and going within a bit. So much stuff to work on inside of myself. So many unresolved hurts and feelings and emotions that I am purging out my eyes lately. I am deep cleaning this time and pulling out all of this fucking pain. No pain left behind this time. No stone left unturned. The purge before demolition is proving to be a tough one for sure and I am only holding on to those holding on to me also. If you aren’t holding on, I’m going to honor you and your journey and cut you loose before I go out again. The precision and momentum needed to propel us out of this cesspool of shit is going to be intense and we all need to intention some healing here. No child left behind…and yet, each of us must grow up enough to get on board and commit to the journey. Each of us must take a post and do our work…And…we all have the choice to stay or to go. Whatever your choice, we are boarding now and will be pulling out of port very soon. If you’re going to be on board, grab your life jacket and your coffee and head into the healing room. I will meet you in there once I see everyone else off. Everyone else, thank you for your service and best of luck to you in your future ventures. Thank you for being part of my world and for staying the course with me as long as you did. Doors are open and you are free to go!

I feel a little sad to say goodbye to some of you this morning. I’ve been doing all I can to keep you aboard and afloat. The thing is, you aren’t doing anything to keep you aboard and afloat and this ship just isn’t going to go down again like that. If you don’t care more about you and your life than I do, I finally accept that I cannot help you. I am also finally okay with that. My work cannot evolve when I continue to work for people who never fucking punch the time clock at all. My pinnacle cannot be exhaulted if I sit down here on my ass breast feeding you all day long. And so it is, I bid your farewell. With all of my love and prayers, I leave you behind this time when I pull out, to live the life you imagined. All of my love and best wishes to each of you! Bon voyage!!

What a wild world! Truly…what a trip this all is! Sitting in my body, missing my mom out of her body. Loving all of you so much and finally loving me more than so much. Preparing to leave port with a skeleton crew for my greatest voyage of all. My life can be summed up in three words…it’s a trip! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! All aboard!!!!

❤️♥️💜Love Aiden

Aiden here this morning! Today is an important day and so I can’t talk much. I’m going to court this morning with my mom. The guy who took me is going to pay for what he did in court. We just have to got to be sure that the judge makes him pay. You don’t take dogs from their moms purses. God doesn’t like that. You don’t break glass and scare big dogs because I don’t like that. My brother Jaxson was so so scared and he can’t come to court today. Coral said she will bring everyone to court who can’t go through that police light up beeper. So, Coral is bringing Mikey and Howie and Dori and Jaxson and Sid too and my dad and moms dad and your dad too, if you want. Coral has special security clearance in other realms and so she brings Team Aiden, no matter where or who or what. Don’t tell everyone though, okay? Today we are going for sentencing. I don’t know what that means. I just know that I have my bright red vest on so I can be there in court and hear the judge too! So many people are very enrolled in the outcome of this court case from what I hear, for dogs rights and for people rights too. Do you know that dogs and cats like Howie have rights too. Howie has his own rights and now he was more rights…Howie will be so happy to hear this! I cannot wait to tell him!!! Anyway, it’s time to get ready for court with my mom, so I’ll catch you guys later! I would say wish me luck…I don’t know why…I think we don’t need luck. We’ve got this. We just need left hugs and lots and lots of love…and maybe, if you’re cool like me and Alice, a tongue out 👅 too!!! Alice is coming to court with Coral too, for Team Aiden. I love you Alice and I love you Howie and I love you Sid and Dad and Dori and Mikey too and most of all today, I love you Jaxson. I’m fighting for your rights too Jax. I love you and I’m mad they scared you. I’m going to tell the judge they scared you too, okay? I love you guys!

Please say it with me…

“I love you Aiden!!!!!”

Hurt pouring down my cheeks and thankful for Aiden…

Good early morning. I’ve been unable to sleep. Thoughts plague me and emotions run high. I figured I would write. Hopefully if you’re up at this hour, it’s not because you are sleepless or lonely or sad. Those feeling just seem intensified for me at 2:33am this morning. Maybe it’s all of the years working in and being in bars. Damn, 2:30 am was hella depressing then…”you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here…closing time…”Semisonic must play in every bar in the world on mornings just like this, at least in everyone’s head, if not blasting out of the speakers….I used to be the one who played it and a few times, I was the last one ushered out while it played. This morning, I feel like that…fucking lonely as hell place to be this morning. “I hope you have found a friend….”I guess there are just moments like this for each of us, aren’t there? For me, this morning, it all just hurts. It all just fucking hurts.

I find myself plagued by noises that others do not even hear. Plagued is actually fairly mild…it’s more accurately a hell all its own. I exist in a place in between, all of the fucking time. Sometimes, when I come up out of the deep for some air, I want to stay. Just for a moment or two…floating in the shallow. I have tried to stay to no avail. I have almost drowned there many a time. I’ve a feel for the deep waters. Shallow waters fuck me up though…my balance, my self confidence…all of it. I feel suffocated somehow in waters that don’t move me. And so, back into the deep I go. Sometimes, the deeper I go, and the darker it gets, the murkier and less clear to others; the more I know my way around here. I am of great service here and also so lonely here sometimes. At this depth, one must spend time swimming uphill alone. And I guess, to be fair, I was hoping for some clearer water and less choppy current while I gathered myself. My request was denied and the turbulence is astounding to me, down here on my knees. Daggers flying and me so fatigued I cannot even dodge them. And, to be fair, the sting of the sharpest words…well, they are not entirely untrue. It’s truth in those words that hurt me the most I suppose. My hope for its untruth feels empty somehow this morning at 2:50am and I feel very sad. I think I will just go lie back down and pray that this will pass before the depression sets to deeply in. I ask for your love and your prayers as I sort myself and my heart out. The struggle is real for me for sure this morning.

Aiden keeps me company in these darkest hours. Seeing him today and seeing Alice see him today made my heart smile. I am grateful for much more than I am depressed about for sure. I’m glad Alice got Aiden in her bucket and I’m glad I got to be part of it all! Thank you all for being a part of Aidens journey. Truly; Aiden and I love you all so much ❤️♥️💜 and we wish you a wonderful day! Please say it with me…”I love you Aiden!!!!!”

Aiden writes for his dear friend Alice…..

Good evening everyone! I was thinking I was writing and Aiden corrects me….Aiden blogs for me tonight…welcome Aiden!

Hi everyone! This is Aiden. I am here with my mom and my friends Alice and Coral. Alice is the organizer and inspiration for something very special. Coral is Alices hands and words and so is my mom and Alices mom Janet and Tamara. Those are my closest and innerest circle and Jason too. Anyway, it’s not top secret…it’s more that it’s in planning stages and I won’t jinx it by saying too much like Coral sometimes does. Humans do that and dogs don’t. So I told Coral I would handle this part, as dogs have better decorum than people. Mouths with no words does that. Anyway, I’m pretty important and some pretty important stuff is happening in my life. Soon and now and far away too. Anyway, I’ll start with now. Now is court on Thursday for the guys who stole me from my mom. I need you guys to pray and love us a lot. Dogs rights depend on these decisions. People cannot just take dogs. Court is to say that to the people who can protect dogs and get them justice, so when people take dogs, they get in trouble. Getting in trouble is to say to us to not forget to remember to not do that again. Dogs know this. People forget this a lot. Judges can say in ways that lots of people can hear that if you do bad things, you will have to be accountable. That means you have to take your consequences if you act badly. So, anyway, I don’t know so so much about all of this except it’s my day in court. I am taking all of you guys in with me to love me so high up that the judge sees me, my heart, my mom and my family that got so hurt when I got took from moms car at moms gym.

I have many fans. Today, Coral came to see mom and we all talked serious business and then Coral came back with my friend Alice. Alice was not sick and she didn’t come to see my mom. Well, I think Alice is like a lot of the dogs, I think maybe she is “lovesick” for me. If you know what I mean? She says something about a bucket list and I’m in the bucket, or something. Anyway, Alice had to ask Coral to ask her dad if she could take her in the FJ to see me at work today. Dad said yes and I saw Coral with Alice, her heart all a flutter and her eyes wide like saucers. Alice has been dying to meet me and since today is tongue out Tuesday, it meant so much more to her to meet me on this day. Anyway, you’ll see in the photos…Alice is over the moon. I kept cool though, cause I get this a lot. The ladies…the men…the world…I’m Aiden….I’m used to this spotlight and I share it with my dear friend Alice today. If you guys would, please say it with me…”We love you Alice!” Thanks guys! I kinda like her 😉 Have a great night! I love you!

Love, Aiden

And with that, I bid you all good evening. And if you would, say it with me…”I love you Alice and Aiden!!!!!”

So blessed for the beauty in my life…say it with me…”I love you Aiden!!!!!”

Good Monday morning everyone! Wow! What a whirlwind weekend I had! I am happy to announce that I have completed all of my requirements to submit my licensing renewal for my LMT license. Ethics, Ortho-Bionomy and CPR…check, check and check! I arrived home last night and I feel so blessed and so full from my time up in Pecos. I am excited to implement new techniques into my own practice from all I learned over the weekend.

Aiden was a pretty constant topic of conversation and everyone loves his taste in shoes! I was so glad to have Aiden with me and to be working so closely with him, even while I was away for a few days. The beauty of my work is that I can take it and it takes me wherever I go. There is a whole new group of people who have fallen in love with Aiden and who are loving him and praying for him. This makes me so happy and so full and so sure of who I am and I am grateful for that.

I met some amazing people, who do some amazing work! Gifted and seasoned therapists and instructors…a beautiful facility and wonderful accommodations…thank you to everyone who made my experience amazing. All of my love and gratitude.

I haven’t been on and off of massage tables like that in years. Partner rotations and demos…technique practice and show and tell. It reminded me of how vulnerable we really all are and how we must never lose sight of that in our lives and in our work. First rule of massage therapy is the same as it is in practicing medicine, and that is to do no harm. I am blessed by all of the hands that touched me and thankful for the opportunity to place my hands on so many people in practice. I am also thankful that I have completed this very daunting task for me! I’ve two years before I have to visit this again and I am feeling some weight lift from me and I am so thankful!

I hope you all have a beautiful Monday! I intend to have a beautiful Monday myself, just basking in it all and coming back to center a bit. All of my love to all of you and if you would please, say it with me, “I love you Aiden!!!!!”

A life lesson from Aiden: All I want to do is stay

Happy Sunday from Pecos everyone! I am finishing up my classes for my CEUs in Santa Fe this weekend! Today is my final day of Ortho-bionomy and WOW! What an epic weekend of learning and practice and being with people! For this gal, it’s a lot. Socially awkward an anxious at times…a loner and with a strong preference to be alone, I really threw myself in to lot of social interaction this weekend. Hands all over me and mine all over you…ya, it’s a lot. It’s an awful lot of continuing education and continued practice, so that we can bring all of you the best of ourselves. Ortho-bionomy is going to be a catalyst in my private practice to invite healing at a deeper level for all of my clients. What a beautiful technique! How did I not know if this before now? To be totally honest, my sister Robin Dyer picked this class for me. Aiden picked my shoes. Red adidas, before your first class on Friday, no exceptions. And here’s me…”but sister, that doesn’t interest me or sound like me at all…Aiden, I don’t have a budget for red adidas shoes right now. I just rented a shared home in Pecos, instead of a private residence in Santa Fe to save money!!! I can’t buy shoes!! And red? You want me to find red adidas?” And here I sit, with my brand new Aiden kicks on and my Ortho packet staring back at me, in the beautiful meditation space of my shared home in Pecos! Thank you Robin and Aiden! Thank you James and Jenny for hosting me! Thank you Santa Fe School of Massage and to all of the instructors and participants in this amazing weekend!

I came up Friday night to get settled in before my ethics class. Aiden had me running ragged for these red adidas shoes, which I found at my last stop finally. Then I headed up to Pecos to settle in before my Ethics class from 6-10pm in Santa Fe. I am often agitated and unsettled and arriving in Pecos, I was a bit out of sorts. I was greeted by Jenny and showed to my room. I was in and out in 15 minutes and returned well after dark, from Santa Fe. I began to unravel like I do…I should have gotten a private place…I needed privacy…I didn’t feel like talking or being jovial….what the fuck was I thinking? I piss money away like nothing and then I “save” money on my place to sleep, shower and shit. Really Coral? Fuck, I irritate myself sometimes! So fucking irrational and ridiculous is the notion that I do not deserve the best of myself and my life and what I have to offer. Ahhhhhh. Anyway, I got myself into a spin and my boxer briefs all into a twist. I freaked out inside and I got so mad at myself. I beat myself up and I drove around aimlessly for a bit trying to reconcile it all within myself. And then I looked down and saw those bright red adidas shoes and Aiden looking up at me. And I just stopped. Everything just stopped. What the hell is happening to me? Who the fuck am I? Where did I become so afraid of my own life and my own fucking choices and preferences? When did I start skimping on me? When did the hundreds of dollars passing through my hands not hold value for me and my preferences anymore? Do you know my all time favorite brand of anything? Adidas. My favorite color to wear, even though I look much better in green…is red. I won’t buy shoes that expensive for me. That red is too bright and too eccentric for me. I spent my life in adidas, playing soccer. I dribble a soccer ball better than I fucking walk. I look down at these crazy fucking shoes and I see Aiden looking up at me with a huge grin, and I’m back in the game again! Thank you Aiden. Thank you little buddy! Let’s play ball my friend!

So, Aidens shopping excursion seemed untimely and ridiculously unnecessary. I didn’t have to do it. I was justified in being busy. It was Aiden though and so I knew there would be something to these shoes. Countless stores offering me black or grey adidas shoes in just my size. Out of red. None in my size. Not adidas but bright as fuck red for absolute sure. And somehow I knew to stay the course and to not falter on Aidens requirements for these red adidas shoes. Here’s the lesson:

I am staying in Pecos with a man and his wife who God himself has host for him. I am staying in God’s house here in Pecos. All of the things I feared here were things I needed desperately in my life. I feared being close to someone and not having time and space for myself this weekend. I feared bed bugs and smells unfamiliar to me. I feared being alone in a strange and rural place. I feared being awkward. Last night I came home and met James. I came into my room afterwards, for I had just met God. I just fucking sat there stupefied and paralyzed and dumbfounded. I had no words at all. I looked around me at everything I had feared. Everything looked and felt much different to me. Suddenly the idiosyncrasies turned into divine blessings. Everyone and everything in my world became sacred. The details. The love. The place…this place…I was on hallowed and sacred ground here. The bed, made just for me and the cinnamon roll under the glass cake safe, homemade by James himself…the carefully labeled bottles of shampoo and soap in the shower…everything was prepared just for me. The texts to get my ETA and the waiting up for me to get home…the promise that he would be up to see me off this morning…all of it…I missed all of it at first. Now, I’m just sitting here in awe of all of it. God himself sent Aiden to usher me off this weekend, into my own divinity, to come back to all of you different somehow. In my meditation space, writing with all of you this morning, I know I am. I am different.

I came here pretentious and uptight and scared. I was ready to run. I was less than I am in an effort to be more than I am. I wanted solitude as I needed some fucking love man. Aiden knew I needed someone leaving the light on for me and getting up to tell me goodbye this morning. James is a chef and he baked in Las Vegas, Nevada. James makes cinnamon rolls and he leaves them under the glass cake safe on the table for us. I left mine there yesterday because I assumed it probably wasn’t vegan. This morning I went and swiped it, because I don’t care if it’s vegan or not. That cinnamon roll, made especially for me, with all of his love…ya, that’s where it’s at. It’s in the love man!

Aiden showed me how I cry for love in a million different ways every single day of my life. More importantly, Aiden showed me how I shun that love for not being “just right” for me in the same million ways that I call it up.

The red adidas shoes and the accommodations in Pecos…the really, really hard class with an equally difficult name…the long drive down a dark road to a rural and serene space, prepared just for me. Aiden ushered me in and I tried to run right back out because I guess I learned higher standards and bigger expectations…fuck, I’ve no idea what I think I knew. I didn’t know a damn thing. I knew nothing. Now, as I sit here with my coffee and my thoughts and myself…looking down at my shoes and Aiden…waiting to go and greet my hosts…I just feel whole somehow. Like nothing is missing from me this morning. I want to stay. All I want to do is stay. Thank you for the lyric Enya. Pale Grass Blue is the song this morning, from Aiden, for each of us.

Please say it with me, to my guru, this morning, “I love you Aiden!!!!”

Happy Friday from Aiden and Coral

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you have been having an amazing week so far. I am struggling and so I don’t want to be a downer this morning. I just wanted to stop in and say hello from Aiden and I. We hope you have a beautiful day!

Please say it with me…”I love you Aiden!!!!!”