Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

And I write….

Good morning. Happy Thursday. I have been very busy with Tamara being down and so I have missed you guys. I also just haven’t had it…words elude me and the ones that don’t aren’t worth putting out there, until I sort some stuff out.

I exist in a certain underlying sadness lately. The tears keep rising above the surface. I just fucking hurt. And deeply. I hurt so deeply as of late. I am blessed that I am physically able again, to throw myself into physical labor, for it calms my mind. My mind is my worst enemy and always a detriment to my sanity. My pain has accumulated in my mind and taken over parts of me…parts of me that I will get back eventually.

Depression feels to me like an abyss…dark and cold and black…endless and daunting and absolutely nothing at all. I have spent countless years in this place, not even knowing where the fuck I was. I have always written to help get this pain out. I’ve been unable to write as of late and it is showing in my depression. Writing and physical labor are my reprieve from debilitating depression. Depression also usually shows that my self-confidence and my heart have been hit and they both have been hit hard lately. My heart has not, not been hit, since my mom got sick. And I am the worst at not taking things personally. I am also a pussy…”Oh, I’m so sorry that you read my blog wrong…let me defend myself and explain…”better yet, let me not write at all, just in case you are still reading and offended at what you thought I meant. I have mother fucking lost myself in this abyss. I have resorted to defending myself and my actions and my words, to people who have walked away from me. I lost my way. I lost myself. I lost my fucking voice. I am sad that I did that and I’m glad that I see what I’ve done, so that I don’t do it again henceforth.

So…here is a reminder for us all, especially me…this is Corals blog and I come here to write and to heal. I come here to get it all out and to sort my life out. I come to this healing space, the healing room, to help to heal us all. I do not come here to harm others. I do not come here to gossip or talk shit. I come here to fucking heal. If you think I’m talking about you…maybe I am. Why would that be? Because you are someone whom I love and I’m sorting shit out. I use discretion and I have stood corrected a time or two. I’m good with that. I am not good with being called out using my words, after they have been twisted and mangled and pointed, and having them shoved down my fucking throat. I am also not good with being silent for so long because of it. I have learned in my silence that I will not remain silent…not about things that matter to me.

I have also learned that I will go to the ends of the earth for those that I do love. I have gone to the ends of the earth for people I don’t even know. I know who the fuck I am. I know why I’m here. I am here to love us home. My decisions may not please you and my words may offend you. My existence may annoy you and my opinions may not be your own. Isn’t that okay though? I mean, isn’t it okay to not be for everyone? I have always extended an open invitation to hear how you feel about me and I don’t hear my phone ringing. Not until someone reads something I wrote and starts a fucking panic about what they think I meant. And all of this before talking to me at all. I feel that to be a little unfair and I shut down over it. I put this out there…the most personal things in my life, to help us all to heal and somehow, it turns into a fucking shit show. I pull my blog from Facebook. I stop writing all together. I feel like giving up and pray that I don’t fucking wake up in the morning. I started to give up. I started to think that maybe you all really didn’t need me or my experiences or my words or my fucking love. Guess what though? I need me and my words and my experiences. I need to heal and I come here to do it. Everything that doesn’t serve my highest good…your highest good…I send back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I’m not here to harm anyone. I’m not here to be harmed anymore either. Many of you have left my life, for reasons unbeknownst to me. I do regret that you didn’t give me an opportunity to grow and yourself the opportunity to heal, by having a conversation with me. I also regret anyone I ever deprived of such a conversation. I regret denying closure to anyone, who may not have known why I left. Hell, maybe I don’t know why I left. At any rate, if I hurt you that way, or in any way, I really am sorry. A few names and faces come to mind and I’m sure there are others that I don’t recall or that I was not impacted by, as I impacted. I am sorry for the spaces that I left empty and for doors that I slammed shut…for bridges that I burned and fired that I started. Today though…I really am letting that all go. Today, I really am done editing myself and watching what I say and how I say it. My door is always open if you’ve something to say to me. As I have clearly seen…so is everyone else’s door, and I find that pretty unsettling. If you can’t or won’t say it to me, how about you not say it at all? I will offer you the same courtesy.

My life is simple. It has not always been simple. My life is simple now though. I have big work to do and I’ve no time to be defending myself or wandering off into this fucked up abyss, simply because you don’t love me. I wanted you to love me and I wanted you to be who I built you up to be. That is my fault. I put you on a pedestal and I had expectations and when they weren’t met and when you jumped off of the pedestal and slapped me across my face…it took me down. It took me so, so far down into the abyss. I ask why you didn’t love me as I loved you? I know now that you can only love me as you love me. In your way, as I love you in my way. That’s okay, isn’t it, to have our own ways to love?

There is one person in my life who has stood by me through the worst of my days…the deepest of my pain and the loss of my mother and my family. There is one person who never left me or gave up on me, who calls me her wife. There are others also. Today though, in this moment, I speak of my beautiful girl Tamara. Tamara never gave up on me and she never kicked me out or fucked around…she never betrayed my trust or my confidence. This girl held me together when I couldn’t hold myself together, loved me when I couldn’t love me …and always, always gave me a home to come home to. There is nothing that I can say to appreciate the love that Tamara has given me. There are no ends that I would not go, to love, honor and protect her in the same way that she has done for me. Tamara is my girl and my whole world and she may not be for you. And hey, that’s okay, because she’s for me. So, I’ve got her. I love her and I will not ever not love her. Tamara is down and with cancer and 65 stitches and reconstructive surgery to her face…she must be down. Tamara cannot lift or bend over or get her blood pressure up…and if that didn’t send her into the abyss, not being able to do Tamara certainly has done it. Tamara, my rock…the Sanctuary and the community’s rock is down and out. Tamara needs us now and I’m going to be here for her. I’m going to do my best and I’m going to give it all I’ve got until she is better. That is what you do when you love a girl…you fucking love her, like a verb, no matter what, forever and for always. Tamara, I love you and I’ve got you. Thank you for loving me and for getting me. For those that don’t get us, that’s okay finally. We’ve got each other and we are so fucking blessed.

To each and every single one of you who has reached out and showed up and loved us and prayed for us…thank you. Two girls got hit hard and we are laying low to lick our wounds, heal our hurts and our hearts and to lift each other up. We are on our way back and we thank you for your love, understanding and patience as we heal and recover during this difficult time.

All of the animals of Santuario de Karuna send you their love. I’m not as good at keeping up on social media as Tamara is with everyone. We lost Bashful unexpectedly last week and we just couldn’t even speak of it. I went out to tuck the chickens in and she was passed away. This blew me wide open, as I knew Tamara was going to break when I had to tell her. Tamara is a little broken right now and so I ask again for love and prayers. At the very least right now, if you can’t help us, please don’t harm us either.

I hope you have a beautiful day and I thank you for being here with me this morning. I have missed you. My heart has been broken and my time had been occupied. My focus has turned to my girl and to our world and our healing. I thank you for understanding. I love you.

Happy Valentines Day my loves!!!!!

Good morning everyone! Happy Valentines Day! I’m choosing which holidays to keep and which holidays to celebrate and this shall be my favorite! A day to celebrate our love. Today is of special importance to me, as I am finally home. Today reminds me of the love that blesses me every moment of every day, and the woman who bestows this love upon me. Happy Valentines Day to my love, Tamara. Every day is Valentine’s Day for us, as we love each other in all things. Ugly crying and shattered relationships…death and loss. We have hit some pretty low lows and we are on our way to soar the to the highest of heights together. I love you baby! I am so ready for all of the good things coming for us!! Thank you for carrying me through when I’ve been unable to carry myself.

Today is a new beginning for me and I am so, so thankful. I get to love and celebrate love on my terms. I get to make my own Valentines! I get to love learning what love is to me and how it isn’t so skewed anymore.

Today I woke up next to the most beautiful and amazing human being on the planet. We spent the morning together before we both had to head off and do our own thing for a bit. We get to be the love we want to be and see and know and feel in our lives. We get to project that love we put into the world with all of our hearts and I am so thankful, grateful and blessed on this day.

Every day is a day of love. Every day we have a choice. Every day I choose love. Valentines Day seems the perfect day to make a conscious decision to commit to choosing love at all times and in all things. Love or fear? I choose love. On this day and every day. More than New Years for me this year, is Valentines Day, my new beginning and my first breath of fresh air. My eyes are opening and my heart is coming forth. Today shall be the day that brings me back from the places I have been. Today I return home.

For each and every one of you, on this beautiful day of love…I send you all of my love. I remind you that you also have a choice, every day. Every moment of every day presents opportunity for choices. I invite you to choose love.

Happy Valentines Day my loves! I love you! Happy Valentines Day Tamara! You are my world and I love you with all of my heart, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond! Thank you for teaching me love and for loving me through my unloving places. We break on through to the other side…we burst into the flames of love! And so it is.

Who are we to each other?

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Good morning everyone. Welcome to the healing room this beautiful Sunday morning. We went on a date night last night to see “A Star is Born”. Fucking epic. Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga…Sam Elliot, just to name a few of the cast. We had a lovely evening and the movie was amazing!

I realized as I was riding in the passenger seat of the Jeep driving into and home from Albuquerque, how truly blessed I am to be sitting next to the most amazing woman in the world, who loves me no matter what. Tamara and I are coming upon five years of sharing our lives together. People ask who we are to each other and so I want to blog about that this morning. Who are you to me? Who am I to you?

Tamara, to me, is my wife…my soulmate…my best friend and confidant. Tamara is my entire world and the light in my darkness. Tamara is the transparent truth that I often don’t get in other places. Tamara is my rock. Tamara, to me, is everything I have never been and much that I aspire to be. Tamara makes me better. Tamara sees me and loves me just the same. I often refer to Tamara as “my girl”, although we do not possess one another. Tamara is the love that I have longed for and the acceptance that I deserve. Tamara is where I want to be in the morning when my eyes open. Tamara is the last thing I want to see before I close my eyes to sleep at night and the last face I will see on my way out of this place. Tamara has been my life raft and my life jacket and my fucking breath since the call came in that my mom was headed to the ER three years ago. Tamara and I knew of one another and were reacquainted years ago. I worked at a vets office, and Tamara saw me there. The way she tells it, I was standing guard up front, arms across my chest and rigid jaw, looking like the vets office bouncer, when she came in. I’ve no doubt. I was about 80 pounds heavier than I am now and I was in a place that I was no longer welcome. I barely got through the final hours of that job before it highjacked my very fucking soul. I made some colossally bad decisions during that period of my life and I guess my unhappiness and pain welled out of the shell that tried to keep in. I saw Tamara come in out of the vets office and I remember seeing her. I was at a point where I didn’t really interact much, with anyone, unless I had to. I did my time. I went home and I drank like it was my fucking job to escape the hell I landed myself in. So, it was many years later when through a mutual person that we were reacquainted.

Tamara was married and getting divorced and I was at the end of a very abusive and traumatic relationship. Tamara and I became the best of friends and we carried each other through the loss of many things during these times. Tamara gave me safe space to be and listened to me sort through my details. I listened to Tamara and we found a space that I’m not sure either of us could really say we had ever been in. We can talk about anything and all things. We have each other’s backs always in all ways. We love each others family. Tamara is my family. Tamara is home. Tamara is my world and I love her with every fiber of my being. Tamara is not all of the girls I’ve loved before, as she loves me back, like a verb. Tamara is the last girl I will ever give my heart to. Tamara is the one. So, without labels, I can only tell you that out of all of the places I have been, I have finally come home. Tamara is home.

Who are you to me? Just ask me and I am happy to tell you. Who am I to you? I would love to hear. So often I do not take the time for the people who make the time for me. My despair keeps me locked deep inside myself sometimes and you may think that I don’t see you. I do. I see you. You are someone to me.

We really are just walking each other home. We are on a journey and we get to choose who we journey with. Every day I choose Tamara. Every day Tamara chooses me. We get to choose. We also get to choose our path. Tamara and I are fucking blessed. Lovers, best friends, soulmates…we are just two girls walking each other home. Tamara, my beautiful wife…I do love the way that sounds. And truthfully, with all of my heart, Tamara is my wife, and I hers.

Who we are to each other matters. I realized this morning that I hadn’t told Tamara for a while who she is to me. The movie last night felt like Tamara and I. No matter who…no matter what…forever and for always because we are home. And so it is.

Thank you Tamara for being the light in my storm. Thank you Tamara for always loving me, even when I have been unable to love myself. Who are you to me? You are everything to me…nowhere I have been and the only place I’m going. I dedicate this morning’s blog to my girl, my beautiful and wonderful and amazing girl, Tamara. I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond…forever and for always, in all ways.

Everyone have a beautiful day! I love you!

I love you Shawn…

Good Saturday evening! I hope you have had a beautiful day today! I had a beautiful day. So much love and hurt and healing and as though no time elapsed at all, as I sat across from my little Brother and his wife today. Lunch turned into dinner and it was nice to be with them.

My little Brother, my greatest gift when he was born. My best friend and my confidant through it all. My playmate and my soulmate, as we braved our world together. We dug holes to China and rode our bikes a million miles, around our block.

We grew up together and we loved each other deeply. I would do anything that protect my baby Brother. I would still do just about anything I could for him, as he has for me. We grew up together and then we grew apart. Time elapsed and we lost our Mom. We lost our Dad as we knew him and our “parents”. We did all of that separately. We have amazing wives who love us no matter what, and they held us together and held space for each other. Our lives, all of our lives, fucking shattered, obliterated and life as we knew it was gone. Gone in that ER. Gone at the oncologist. Gone at MD Anderson. Gone in Sadie’s dining room. Gone in that mortuary. Life fucking collided in that cemetery. We fell apart. Not a little bit apart…we fucking lost our way. Our Mom…our best friend…our compass and sense of direction…each other…our Father. Our wives…they had us…they still have us. Thank God.

Seeing my little Brother today gave me something back that I had lost. The piece of my heart that no one can ever fill…no one besides Shawn…that piece was sitting across the table from me, Broken like me…in the same Sadie’s where our family fucking shattered a couple of years, a lifetime, yesterday, a moment ago.

I thanked God all the way home, for my baby Brother…for some healing…for a knowing of the pain in his eyes that only I can recognize as my very own. The last person in the world I have ever wanted to see me hurting or unwell is my baby Brother. Today, sitting across from him stuttering and stammering and crying, in the most horrific pain, just to see his face, to spend some time…to be okay with each other…I just thank God for those moments today. I have missed you Shawn and JiSan. I love you. The four of us never stood much of a chance and so we will just have to begin again and forge our own path in love and compassion and kindness. We get to choose how we love each other. We get to say who we hug, who we love and how. We get to choose each other because we want to and I think that is pretty fucking great myself.

We have beautiful wives who have stood up for us, stood by us and scraped us up off of the ground, when our bottom literally fell out. We lost our way. We lost our ability to find our way. We kept trying. We made it. Now we just have to learn to love each other how it feels good for everyone. We aren’t “supposed” to do a damn thing…we get to do what our heart feels is right. We decide and I am happy for that.

I love you Tamara. I love you Shawn. I love you JiSan. We will figure the rest out as we go.