Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Happy Valentines Day my loves!!!!!

Good morning everyone! Happy Valentines Day! I’m choosing which holidays to keep and which holidays to celebrate and this shall be my favorite! A day to celebrate our love. Today is of special importance to me, as I am finally home. Today reminds me of the love that blesses me every moment of every day, and the woman who bestows this love upon me. Happy Valentines Day to my love, Tamara. Every day is Valentine’s Day for us, as we love each other in all things. Ugly crying and shattered relationships…death and loss. We have hit some pretty low lows and we are on our way to soar the to the highest of heights together. I love you baby! I am so ready for all of the good things coming for us!! Thank you for carrying me through when I’ve been unable to carry myself.

Today is a new beginning for me and I am so, so thankful. I get to love and celebrate love on my terms. I get to make my own Valentines! I get to love learning what love is to me and how it isn’t so skewed anymore.

Today I woke up next to the most beautiful and amazing human being on the planet. We spent the morning together before we both had to head off and do our own thing for a bit. We get to be the love we want to be and see and know and feel in our lives. We get to project that love we put into the world with all of our hearts and I am so thankful, grateful and blessed on this day.

Every day is a day of love. Every day we have a choice. Every day I choose love. Valentines Day seems the perfect day to make a conscious decision to commit to choosing love at all times and in all things. Love or fear? I choose love. On this day and every day. More than New Years for me this year, is Valentines Day, my new beginning and my first breath of fresh air. My eyes are opening and my heart is coming forth. Today shall be the day that brings me back from the places I have been. Today I return home.

For each and every one of you, on this beautiful day of love…I send you all of my love. I remind you that you also have a choice, every day. Every moment of every day presents opportunity for choices. I invite you to choose love.

Happy Valentines Day my loves! I love you! Happy Valentines Day Tamara! You are my world and I love you with all of my heart, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond! Thank you for teaching me love and for loving me through my unloving places. We break on through to the other side…we burst into the flames of love! And so it is.

Who are we to each other?

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Good morning everyone. Welcome to the healing room this beautiful Sunday morning. We went on a date night last night to see “A Star is Born”. Fucking epic. Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga…Sam Elliot, just to name a few of the cast. We had a lovely evening and the movie was amazing!

I realized as I was riding in the passenger seat of the Jeep driving into and home from Albuquerque, how truly blessed I am to be sitting next to the most amazing woman in the world, who loves me no matter what. Tamara and I are coming upon five years of sharing our lives together. People ask who we are to each other and so I want to blog about that this morning. Who are you to me? Who am I to you?

Tamara, to me, is my wife…my soulmate…my best friend and confidant. Tamara is my entire world and the light in my darkness. Tamara is the transparent truth that I often don’t get in other places. Tamara is my rock. Tamara, to me, is everything I have never been and much that I aspire to be. Tamara makes me better. Tamara sees me and loves me just the same. I often refer to Tamara as “my girl”, although we do not possess one another. Tamara is the love that I have longed for and the acceptance that I deserve. Tamara is where I want to be in the morning when my eyes open. Tamara is the last thing I want to see before I close my eyes to sleep at night and the last face I will see on my way out of this place. Tamara has been my life raft and my life jacket and my fucking breath since the call came in that my mom was headed to the ER three years ago. Tamara and I knew of one another and were reacquainted years ago. I worked at a vets office, and Tamara saw me there. The way she tells it, I was standing guard up front, arms across my chest and rigid jaw, looking like the vets office bouncer, when she came in. I’ve no doubt. I was about 80 pounds heavier than I am now and I was in a place that I was no longer welcome. I barely got through the final hours of that job before it highjacked my very fucking soul. I made some colossally bad decisions during that period of my life and I guess my unhappiness and pain welled out of the shell that tried to keep in. I saw Tamara come in out of the vets office and I remember seeing her. I was at a point where I didn’t really interact much, with anyone, unless I had to. I did my time. I went home and I drank like it was my fucking job to escape the hell I landed myself in. So, it was many years later when through a mutual person that we were reacquainted.

Tamara was married and getting divorced and I was at the end of a very abusive and traumatic relationship. Tamara and I became the best of friends and we carried each other through the loss of many things during these times. Tamara gave me safe space to be and listened to me sort through my details. I listened to Tamara and we found a space that I’m not sure either of us could really say we had ever been in. We can talk about anything and all things. We have each other’s backs always in all ways. We love each others family. Tamara is my family. Tamara is home. Tamara is my world and I love her with every fiber of my being. Tamara is not all of the girls I’ve loved before, as she loves me back, like a verb. Tamara is the last girl I will ever give my heart to. Tamara is the one. So, without labels, I can only tell you that out of all of the places I have been, I have finally come home. Tamara is home.

Who are you to me? Just ask me and I am happy to tell you. Who am I to you? I would love to hear. So often I do not take the time for the people who make the time for me. My despair keeps me locked deep inside myself sometimes and you may think that I don’t see you. I do. I see you. You are someone to me.

We really are just walking each other home. We are on a journey and we get to choose who we journey with. Every day I choose Tamara. Every day Tamara chooses me. We get to choose. We also get to choose our path. Tamara and I are fucking blessed. Lovers, best friends, soulmates…we are just two girls walking each other home. Tamara, my beautiful wife…I do love the way that sounds. And truthfully, with all of my heart, Tamara is my wife, and I hers.

Who we are to each other matters. I realized this morning that I hadn’t told Tamara for a while who she is to me. The movie last night felt like Tamara and I. No matter who…no matter what…forever and for always because we are home. And so it is.

Thank you Tamara for being the light in my storm. Thank you Tamara for always loving me, even when I have been unable to love myself. Who are you to me? You are everything to me…nowhere I have been and the only place I’m going. I dedicate this morning’s blog to my girl, my beautiful and wonderful and amazing girl, Tamara. I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond…forever and for always, in all ways.

Everyone have a beautiful day! I love you!

I love you Shawn…

Good Saturday evening! I hope you have had a beautiful day today! I had a beautiful day. So much love and hurt and healing and as though no time elapsed at all, as I sat across from my little Brother and his wife today. Lunch turned into dinner and it was nice to be with them.

My little Brother, my greatest gift when he was born. My best friend and my confidant through it all. My playmate and my soulmate, as we braved our world together. We dug holes to China and rode our bikes a million miles, around our block.

We grew up together and we loved each other deeply. I would do anything that protect my baby Brother. I would still do just about anything I could for him, as he has for me. We grew up together and then we grew apart. Time elapsed and we lost our Mom. We lost our Dad as we knew him and our “parents”. We did all of that separately. We have amazing wives who love us no matter what, and they held us together and held space for each other. Our lives, all of our lives, fucking shattered, obliterated and life as we knew it was gone. Gone in that ER. Gone at the oncologist. Gone at MD Anderson. Gone in Sadie’s dining room. Gone in that mortuary. Life fucking collided in that cemetery. We fell apart. Not a little bit apart…we fucking lost our way. Our Mom…our best friend…our compass and sense of direction…each other…our Father. Our wives…they had us…they still have us. Thank God.

Seeing my little Brother today gave me something back that I had lost. The piece of my heart that no one can ever fill…no one besides Shawn…that piece was sitting across the table from me, Broken like me…in the same Sadie’s where our family fucking shattered a couple of years, a lifetime, yesterday, a moment ago.

I thanked God all the way home, for my baby Brother…for some healing…for a knowing of the pain in his eyes that only I can recognize as my very own. The last person in the world I have ever wanted to see me hurting or unwell is my baby Brother. Today, sitting across from him stuttering and stammering and crying, in the most horrific pain, just to see his face, to spend some time…to be okay with each other…I just thank God for those moments today. I have missed you Shawn and JiSan. I love you. The four of us never stood much of a chance and so we will just have to begin again and forge our own path in love and compassion and kindness. We get to choose how we love each other. We get to say who we hug, who we love and how. We get to choose each other because we want to and I think that is pretty fucking great myself.

We have beautiful wives who have stood up for us, stood by us and scraped us up off of the ground, when our bottom literally fell out. We lost our way. We lost our ability to find our way. We kept trying. We made it. Now we just have to learn to love each other how it feels good for everyone. We aren’t “supposed” to do a damn thing…we get to do what our heart feels is right. We decide and I am happy for that.

I love you Tamara. I love you Shawn. I love you JiSan. We will figure the rest out as we go.