Good morning. Happy Thursday. I have been very busy with Tamara being down and so I have missed you guys. I also just haven’t had it…words elude me and the ones that don’t aren’t worth putting out there, until I sort some stuff out.
I exist in a certain underlying sadness lately. The tears keep rising above the surface. I just fucking hurt. And deeply. I hurt so deeply as of late. I am blessed that I am physically able again, to throw myself into physical labor, for it calms my mind. My mind is my worst enemy and always a detriment to my sanity. My pain has accumulated in my mind and taken over parts of me…parts of me that I will get back eventually.
Depression feels to me like an abyss…dark and cold and black…endless and daunting and absolutely nothing at all. I have spent countless years in this place, not even knowing where the fuck I was. I have always written to help get this pain out. I’ve been unable to write as of late and it is showing in my depression. Writing and physical labor are my reprieve from debilitating depression. Depression also usually shows that my self-confidence and my heart have been hit and they both have been hit hard lately. My heart has not, not been hit, since my mom got sick. And I am the worst at not taking things personally. I am also a pussy…”Oh, I’m so sorry that you read my blog wrong…let me defend myself and explain…”better yet, let me not write at all, just in case you are still reading and offended at what you thought I meant. I have mother fucking lost myself in this abyss. I have resorted to defending myself and my actions and my words, to people who have walked away from me. I lost my way. I lost myself. I lost my fucking voice. I am sad that I did that and I’m glad that I see what I’ve done, so that I don’t do it again henceforth.
So…here is a reminder for us all, especially me…this is Corals blog and I come here to write and to heal. I come here to get it all out and to sort my life out. I come to this healing space, the healing room, to help to heal us all. I do not come here to harm others. I do not come here to gossip or talk shit. I come here to fucking heal. If you think I’m talking about you…maybe I am. Why would that be? Because you are someone whom I love and I’m sorting shit out. I use discretion and I have stood corrected a time or two. I’m good with that. I am not good with being called out using my words, after they have been twisted and mangled and pointed, and having them shoved down my fucking throat. I am also not good with being silent for so long because of it. I have learned in my silence that I will not remain silent…not about things that matter to me.
I have also learned that I will go to the ends of the earth for those that I do love. I have gone to the ends of the earth for people I don’t even know. I know who the fuck I am. I know why I’m here. I am here to love us home. My decisions may not please you and my words may offend you. My existence may annoy you and my opinions may not be your own. Isn’t that okay though? I mean, isn’t it okay to not be for everyone? I have always extended an open invitation to hear how you feel about me and I don’t hear my phone ringing. Not until someone reads something I wrote and starts a fucking panic about what they think I meant. And all of this before talking to me at all. I feel that to be a little unfair and I shut down over it. I put this out there…the most personal things in my life, to help us all to heal and somehow, it turns into a fucking shit show. I pull my blog from Facebook. I stop writing all together. I feel like giving up and pray that I don’t fucking wake up in the morning. I started to give up. I started to think that maybe you all really didn’t need me or my experiences or my words or my fucking love. Guess what though? I need me and my words and my experiences. I need to heal and I come here to do it. Everything that doesn’t serve my highest good…your highest good…I send back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I’m not here to harm anyone. I’m not here to be harmed anymore either. Many of you have left my life, for reasons unbeknownst to me. I do regret that you didn’t give me an opportunity to grow and yourself the opportunity to heal, by having a conversation with me. I also regret anyone I ever deprived of such a conversation. I regret denying closure to anyone, who may not have known why I left. Hell, maybe I don’t know why I left. At any rate, if I hurt you that way, or in any way, I really am sorry. A few names and faces come to mind and I’m sure there are others that I don’t recall or that I was not impacted by, as I impacted. I am sorry for the spaces that I left empty and for doors that I slammed shut…for bridges that I burned and fired that I started. Today though…I really am letting that all go. Today, I really am done editing myself and watching what I say and how I say it. My door is always open if you’ve something to say to me. As I have clearly seen…so is everyone else’s door, and I find that pretty unsettling. If you can’t or won’t say it to me, how about you not say it at all? I will offer you the same courtesy.
My life is simple. It has not always been simple. My life is simple now though. I have big work to do and I’ve no time to be defending myself or wandering off into this fucked up abyss, simply because you don’t love me. I wanted you to love me and I wanted you to be who I built you up to be. That is my fault. I put you on a pedestal and I had expectations and when they weren’t met and when you jumped off of the pedestal and slapped me across my face…it took me down. It took me so, so far down into the abyss. I ask why you didn’t love me as I loved you? I know now that you can only love me as you love me. In your way, as I love you in my way. That’s okay, isn’t it, to have our own ways to love?
There is one person in my life who has stood by me through the worst of my days…the deepest of my pain and the loss of my mother and my family. There is one person who never left me or gave up on me, who calls me her wife. There are others also. Today though, in this moment, I speak of my beautiful girl Tamara. Tamara never gave up on me and she never kicked me out or fucked around…she never betrayed my trust or my confidence. This girl held me together when I couldn’t hold myself together, loved me when I couldn’t love me …and always, always gave me a home to come home to. There is nothing that I can say to appreciate the love that Tamara has given me. There are no ends that I would not go, to love, honor and protect her in the same way that she has done for me. Tamara is my girl and my whole world and she may not be for you. And hey, that’s okay, because she’s for me. So, I’ve got her. I love her and I will not ever not love her. Tamara is down and with cancer and 65 stitches and reconstructive surgery to her face…she must be down. Tamara cannot lift or bend over or get her blood pressure up…and if that didn’t send her into the abyss, not being able to do Tamara certainly has done it. Tamara, my rock…the Sanctuary and the community’s rock is down and out. Tamara needs us now and I’m going to be here for her. I’m going to do my best and I’m going to give it all I’ve got until she is better. That is what you do when you love a girl…you fucking love her, like a verb, no matter what, forever and for always. Tamara, I love you and I’ve got you. Thank you for loving me and for getting me. For those that don’t get us, that’s okay finally. We’ve got each other and we are so fucking blessed.
To each and every single one of you who has reached out and showed up and loved us and prayed for us…thank you. Two girls got hit hard and we are laying low to lick our wounds, heal our hurts and our hearts and to lift each other up. We are on our way back and we thank you for your love, understanding and patience as we heal and recover during this difficult time.
All of the animals of Santuario de Karuna send you their love. I’m not as good at keeping up on social media as Tamara is with everyone. We lost Bashful unexpectedly last week and we just couldn’t even speak of it. I went out to tuck the chickens in and she was passed away. This blew me wide open, as I knew Tamara was going to break when I had to tell her. Tamara is a little broken right now and so I ask again for love and prayers. At the very least right now, if you can’t help us, please don’t harm us either.
I hope you have a beautiful day and I thank you for being here with me this morning. I have missed you. My heart has been broken and my time had been occupied. My focus has turned to my girl and to our world and our healing. I thank you for understanding. I love you.