Coral’s Healing Room at 505-269-9242 I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

For those who wonder where I’ve been…here you go…

Good evening everyone! I am sorry I’ve been elsewhere so distant as of late. My life became unmanageable and I lost my way a bit. My depression sucked me in and had her way with me. Any of you who know depression know of what I am speaking. Depression is a relentless and unforgiving bitch and she often has no fucking mercy what so ever. In my experience of depression, I cease to exist almost entirely. I have been gone from you…this is true. I have been gone also from myself…this is true as well. The struggle is real and I am grateful to be here with you now, as I have greatly and deeply missed you.

I have found myself repeatedly on my knees…begging for grace and mercy…for strength and acceptance. I have landed in the loving rooms and arms of A.A. and I am so thankful! I have a beautiful sponsor, a twelve month chair commitment for the big book study and a 60 meetings in 90 days commitment…all for the small price saving my own soul. Alcohol kills my fucking soul. Alcohol will take me out if I partake of her again. The rooms of A.A. have always opened their arms wide for me and this time, this time…I believe this warm welcome may have just saved my life, as I…my brothers and sisters have lost my way. I lost my way to Coral and I lost my way to finding her and alcohol did not come for me, and I did not come for her…we just hung there in the balance, she and I. We just hung there in the darkness, bargaining with our own mortality to mother fucking take us already…yes, alcohol and I are raging and unhealthy lovers. I bid her ado almost six years ago and she did go. Alcohol did not come for me this time. No, this time alcohol sent her sisters…she sent the stinking thinking…the fuck its and the I don’t give a fucks…the depression and the rage. Alcohol sent her worthlessness, her unforgivingness and her self-loathing and she laid it on me like a mother fucking locomotive. I was buried deep and I did not give but one fuck. Thank God that I gave one fuck…because just that one fuck got me this far. Just that one fuck gave me enough breath and hope and love and self worth to get back into these rooms. With all of my heart, and buried completely under by the fuck its, I was given but one fuck to give and I am so, so thankful. By the grace of God, there go I….

Depression is a thief in the night and she turns the light to the staleness and darkness and hopelessness of eminent spiritual death. Depression robs sleep and reason and logic from you and then spits in your face when you stop giving even one fuck at all to try to save yourself from her. Medicated, depression leaves me absent and comatose…and in my case almost dead. My chemistry does not mix with antidepressants at all. Suicidal ideation becomes suicide attempts so real in my mind that I feel dead inside…and confusion…confusing fog and unrelenting anxiety…depression is an unforgiving and relentless bitch. Depression came for me and I could not escape her grasp. I have been way down deep in the depths of depression. My blog went silent because my words fell into the abyss of my depression. There literally are no words for some of the pain that came for me. A thief in the night and a bitch on wheels…raped and beaten and berated… and pillaged by my diseases and mental disorders…I almost didn’t make it to write this blog today. Depression hurts and mental illness is real. Alcoholism is a disease.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I also have quadruple diagnosis for C-PTSD. I am an incest survivor. I suffer from severe misophonia and I have severe and constant anxiety. I suffer from depression. I have never been enough and have very often been too much. My desire to get well is often overruled by my disease and my mental illness. Today though…today, I am here with you and I am so thankful for that. Truly…thank you for being here with me this evening. I love you.

Depression is real and depression does hurt. I only hope that being open about where I have been will help you to know the depths I have fallen into, the pain I have been in and the hope that I lost somewhere along the way. Depression is a bitch in wheels and she cares not for resistance…she cares not of borrowed time…depression sucked and engulfed me into the abyss that knew no bounds…not until the light entered the crack where my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. The light entered and I begin my ascension. Depression will not have me today. Not today satan…not today.

I was blessed with a beautiful weekend in Golden, Colorado with my beautiful girl. We saw Trevor Hall and Nahko and Medicine for the People at Red Rocks on Sunday.

I’ve taken all of that medicine and all of God’s glorious creation and I have wrapped myself up in it, covered myself in its goodness and it’s glory and mercy. I have allowed the acoustics of the most amazing Amphitheatre in the world to heal me, to transform and transcend me…to grow me and heal me and lift me back up…I will not die in this abyss. I will not succumb to my disease. I will not let my mental disorders the incest tattoo on my forehead keep me from forging on. I will not give up. I will not give in. As I begin to rise, I take you with me. Take my hand my brothers and sisters…now is our time and these are our days. We are here and we belong here. I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me so much too. Have a beautiful evening!

Sending some love through the pain this morning…

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday. I am blessed to be here…sober, alive and going at it again this morning. Some days I overlook the significance in just getting this far and somehow, today I am keenly aware that I’ve only this moment, and therefore I must begin to live here, in the present…here in the now.

My life has a way of sneaking up behind me and revealing itself all at once, leaving me overwhelmed and confused sometimes. This morning my life can be summed up in three words, it’s a trip! My life is a fucking trip!

I see that the struggle is real for so many of us right now. I just saw that a friend of mine from long ago passed away yesterday. I had no idea that he was even sick and I feel a little empty in this knowing this morning. Rest in sweet peace Ed. We lose people through time and distance and death. We lose people by losing touch, don’t we? I pray for Ed’s family and I send all of my love. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

My dear friends lost their precious Ruby last night also and so I ask for love and prayers, that their hearts heal and be comforted at this time. Blessed be Ruby. All of my love to my friends who lost their friend.

The pain is just too much to look at this morning. Truly, humanity is taking a dive down the fucking shitter! We have lost our way and our love and our decency in this world and so today I pray for love for us all, for peace for our world and for love to conquer all else.

People are hurting people and taking from people and entitled as fuck. Gratitude is missing and expectation is high. Depression is rampant and life is hard. Love is fleeting and people are fucked up. Yep, it’s time for a meeting. My life has become unmanageable in all of this fucking pain.

I am learning how to love the way it feels good for me. I am defining my love and I hope you can feel my love. In all of this pain, be the love that gets us through. Be the love when the pain is dialed up way too high. Be the smile when the world is frowning. Be the change when the world stays stagnant. Be love. Our world needs us to be the love.

As the sun is coming up this morning, I thank God for another day to do my best, another day to give my all and to be better than I was yesterday. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I’m on a mission to make my life beautiful. I really do hope you will join me.

Have a beautiful day and love someone today. Love someone out loud and with all you’ve got today. I dare you!

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Good morning. I’m sorry I’m so distant. The struggle is real and I am just finding my way through it. My life is in the serenity prayer and daily meetings as of late. I am blessed to have a sponsor and a meeting to chair to keep me coming back. The rooms are the most welcoming and inviting place for me to be right now, as my life has become unmanageable. The rooms are where I belong if I wish to stay out of the abyss that has taken me before, in times like these. The rooms are my safe zone and that is where you will find me until I’m strong enough to make it on my own.

I am so thankful, grateful and blessed to have my sobriety. Dry drinking though, has led me back to the meetings and the rooms and my tribe. Five and a half years sober and I got a desire chip yesterday, to remind me how fragile we all are…how fragile I am right now. Drinking is not the only danger in losing ones sobriety and ones self. For me, drinking does begin the downward spiral that I have fallen into so, so many times before. I know with all of my heart that I would not come out of it alive again.

I am so blessed with an amazing partner and so thankful for the gift of the rooms and my tribe. So thankful to my sponsor for swooping me up and taking me under her wing at this time. I struggle and yet I know how truly blessed I am. Thank you to each of you who carries me through. Thank you for your love me. I love you too.

I cannot explain the place I am in right now, other than to say again that the struggle is real. To each of you struggling, I love you. To each of you loving me through my struggle, thank you. Have a blessed and beautiful day today.

If you would like to, please pray with me this morning:


Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday everyone! I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned for yourselves. I am getting ready for clients and so my weekend is off to a good start so far. I am so blessed with such amazing clients and my work is not like work at all, which I am so thankful for. I am pausing while Tamara is down and so I’m sorry I’ve not been as available as I like to be. My schedule will open up soon. I am actually offering some Sanctuary studio sessions outdoors. I have been working really hard to create space for healing sessions out in nature. I call them “our secret gardens” and they are throughout the Sanctuary. These spaces are being created with healing energy portals and they are highly sacred and charged to heal. So…some very exciting news on the horizon on that front.

All of the animals are doing very well. They sure do miss their momma Tam while she is healing. Tamara is integrating back in and everyone is taking care of each other. We feel blessed beyond measure for the life we live up here on the mountain. We thank you for your love, support, and all of your reaches. We feel you and we thank you and we love you.

If you are interested in a healing studio session with me out in the mountains, please get in touch with me. I am putting together some great material for our healing, and I look forward to hearing from you. Spaces are limited as Tamara heals and please know I will always make time if you need me.

Lots of reflection lately and lots of things to look at and feel and work through in my life. I have been struggling for so, so long. I know many of us have been struggling for so, so long. I know my purpose for being here is to love us home and I’m just now learning how to love and that I fucking suck at it. How can you suck at your own life’s purpose? I know, right? Very discouraging for me to learn that I am an unlovable and loveless lover…simply because I don’t know how to love. This is true. I do not know how to love. The love I learned wasn’t so much love at all. I am teaching myself to love the way that love feels right to me. I am learning to love and I want to invite you to learn and teach love with me. That is why I am here and so I am looking forward to becoming a good lover as I learn to love me and you and everyone else just a little better than I did yesterday. Love is a word that has been used and misused…misguided and abused…hurtful and pointed…those things are not love. Love is an unconditional place…an accepting and warm and inviting place. As I create this in my life and my reality, I cannot wait to share it with all of you! We all deserve to learn how to love and be loved, and so if you are down for it, I invite you on this journey of love with me!

For today, I begin by praying for grace, mercy, peace and understanding in my life, and that above all, I may be those things and offer those things for others today. For today, that is enough. I love you. Have a beautiful Saturday!

A Tamara update and a thank you for your love….

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I have really struggled to get here lately. Tamara has been my priority and we have been getting through it. The first photo is April 23rd and the second photo was taken yesterday. Tamara had skin cancer removed and 65 stitches to the face. There is nothing like cancer to stop your life in its tracks and to re-route you. Cancer took my Mom in 2015. Hearing the word cancer again with my girls name in the same sentence, has definitely rocked our fucking world. We thank each of you for your love and prayers. We appreciate you understanding our absence. The struggle has been real for sure lately. I’ve not said much, as this is Tamara’s journey. Tamara opened up a bit yesterday, and so I open up a bit today. We really have turned inward for this one. We really have grabbed hold of one another and held on tight through this storm. So, we are so thankful for all of you…loving us and praying for us and being here for us. Thank you.

Every reach has meant so much to us. Every call and text and visit has loved us through the hard stuff. Tamara is Santuario, and so without her, The Sanctuary just isn’t the same. As we all hold space here, Tamara’s absence is noticed. As we all do our best here, Tamara’s special touch is missing. As I look at all Tamara does, I am overwhelmed and I can only do what I can do. Everyone is happy, safe and well and holding space for Momma Tam.

My Mom found out she had cancer in the beginning of October and died on December 3, 2015. I had a complete hysterectomy a year ago, as to avoid cancer myself. Tamara having cancer has definitely rocked my world. Of all of the things I’ve lost in my life, Tamara is the one who stayed. Of all of those gone, my girl is still here. There are no words for how thankful I am to have Tamara in my life, as my partner and best friend and my soul mate. Thank each of you for loving my beautiful girl so, so much!

And so, the struggle has been real. My head has been to the ground. Depression has me by the balls that I don’t even fucking have. We have definitely been going through it. We have definitely hit a bottom here that we didn’t even know we had in us. We are so grateful to be seeing some light in this tunnel. They got the cancer and my girl is healing and we are so, so blessed! So to each of you, for all of your love, thank you and all of our love right back at you!

Have a beautiful day today and please send Tamara all of your love. We are back on Friday to her dermatologist for a couple of more spots on her face, and we ask for your love and prayers again. We ask you to lift us up and we pray that these are spots are benign and that they do not have to cut my girl anymore.

All of our love and thanks to each of you, for how you love us. Have a beautiful day!

Sherry Lesson: You can always make taco salad!

Happy Monday everyone! I hope you had a beautiful day! I made red chili calabacitas tacos for dinner tonight. Taco Monday, as it were at our house! As I was preparing the shells, a Sherry Lesson came through. I wanted to share it with all of you.

I have always liked hard shell tacos. I just really dislike when the shell breaks while I’m biting into my taco. I especially dislike it when this happens on the first bite. Anyway, as a child, it was very disheartening for me. As the crack took my one piece taco, and rendered it a pile on my plate, my mom lovingly reminded me that I could always make taco salad, and eat it with my spoon.

Tonight, a life lesson, and a reminder from Sherry…when your taco shell breaks, make yourself an amazing taco salad!

In your life, in that beautiful little shell of yours, when you start cracking, always remember that you are only a broken taco…which allows you to be the most beautiful taco salad. Our cracks are where the light enters us, as Rumi reminds us. We are broken to take new form, and we are stronger when we rise from our ashes. When your taco shell breaks, make yourself a taco salad!

Have a beautiful evening everyone! I love you! Thank you for the lesson mom! I love you too!

Go and get some space…

Happy Saturday everyone! I hope you had a good sleep. I am not sleeping as well as I would like to lately. Missing sleep always seems to make the waking hours more difficult for me. Enough about that. What do you have planned for this fabulous holiday weekend?

I have a lot to do and I am thankful for the time, the strength and the energy to get through it all. I am definitely living one day at a time, in step five right now. Very humble…I am very humble. I really am thrown into my own life right now, in a way that kind of phased the rest of the world out for a bit. I’ve only got strength for what is going on with me right now and so I turn inward. Thank you to each of you loving me and holding space for me as I navigate some difficult terrain.

Most of all, I find myself claiming my space lately. Spatially, I feel it is important for each of us to have physical space and emotional and spiritual space. I believe that we each have a basic right to be honored in our space. We have an obligation to protect our bodies and our hearts from people who have no concern or concept of personal space. I am in this space presently, of claiming my space and creating space for others without their own space. This is a huge life focus for me currently. Sounds like a simple enough task, right? Maybe so, until I began to uncover how little space I actually have in my world. Violation of personal space must be a huge reason for falling out with others, as we suffocate and are suffocating in too much shared space. Honoring space and calling for others to honor mine is not the easiest thing I’ve ever done, and yet, it may be one of the most necessary things I’ve ever done. We must have safe space around our containers to keep us in forward motion, to keep us safe and to distinguish us from the others. Space…it’s what’s for breakfast today! So go out there and get you some space. Claim your space and honor yourself today, okay?

I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day today!

A thank you post for all of you…

Happy Wednesday everyone! Thank you for helping us to search to bring Storm home and for all of the love and prayers for her family. Please keep the love coming and keep your eyes open for her, as she has been missing for a week today. We were out for a while last night and we surround her with love and light as she finds her way back home.

Thank you for the love for Tamara and I also. The outpouring of love and support is so appreciated. I put up a fundraiser, as Tamara takes care of all of that, so we wouldn’t go too low on funds. Thank you for sharing and donating and for putting up your own fundraisers for us. Thank you for blowing up your fundraisers with your people to get us more shares, likes and donations. After all, that is how we keep this non-profit going…on your donations! The more you put into your fundraisers, the more you will see them grow, so please grow them for us! Of all of the things on my plate right now, I just cannot get to fundraising and social media, so I appreciate your help with that. Thank you.

We really do feel and appreciate each of you and your reach for us. Life hit us pretty hard with this one and we are holding our own through this storm. For me, this is such a Storm where I just have to keep my head down and myself focused, so that I don’t lose my way. I am sorry for missed callas and texts and meetings. I really am just staying afloat right now. Thank you for understanding and being patient. Thank you to each of my clients for being so flexible and amazing all the time. I fucking love you guys so much! Thank you.

All of our thanks, truly, for holding us through this storm. We hope to be back very soon.

We hope you have a beautiful day today and that you love someone who needs it. We all need it, so you are free to love whomever you choose today. Just love someone extra today, would you? Make our world a better place by loving each other. I love you. Have a beautiful day!

Sunday morning thoughts…

Good morning and happy Sunday everyone. Thank you for all of the love and prayers. I feel you guys and I really do appreciate each of you. I really do just have my head down. I am pushing through some really hard stuff. I feel really wide open and the pain is relentless. So, if I have not called you or messaged you back…if I canceled last minute…I really am sorry. I am not in a good place and I am unable to juggle everything right now. If I have been a shitty friend, I really am sorry. I am finding that right now, I don’t have much to offer outside of myself and my household and my clients.

I am taking a couple of new clients. I have been debating for a while and I decided to open up a couple of studio sessions and to take a couple of more weekly client sessions also. I offer one hour sessions, two hour sessions and custom sessions, all geared toward healing and growing into healing space. All sessions will be billed and paid at the time of service. I accept cash, checks and pay pal. Please contact me at 505-269-9242 if you are interested in working with me. Spaces are limited and will booked on a first come, first serve basis. I know there are a few of you who have been waiting for this opportunity, so please hit me up!

Other than that, today I just want to be out in nature. I am drawn to the open space and the energy of the wide open right now. The solitude suits me and I pray for guidance, mercy, faith and humility, as I go about my day.

Memories flood me of past days out in the yard with my family. Digging in the dirt with Shawn and “working” so hard alongside my Dad. Now I just feel empty and hollow and broken, digging in the dirt all by myself. I cry a lot. I cry constantly and non-stop sometimes. I break a lot and flail a lot and sob a lot. I just could not possibly have imagined my life being so absent of the family that I held so close to me for so long. I don’t feel sorry for me. I just fucking hurt for me all of the fucking time lately. For those of you holding space for me, thank you. For all of the love and prayers for Tamara as she heals and finds her new normal, I appreciate you more than you know. The struggle has definitely been real for us and so we appreciate knowing that you’ve got us in your heart and your prayers. Thank you.

To anyone I have wronged, please know that I truly am sorry. I am learning that I’ve not always occurred the way that I thought I occurred. I am learning that I haven’t always been the best friend or girlfriend…the best employee, student or employer…the best sister or daughter or lover. I am flawed in ways that I was unaware. I am sorry if I hurt you in my absence of my own self. I am sorry if I disregarded you in my own pain. I’m sorry if I didn’t see you and hug you and hold you closer. My truth is that I really don’t know how. I am learning and teaching myself how to get what I need, which is how I learned I didn’t know what that was.

Love is abstract to many. To me, love is all there really is. All I’ve ever really wanted to be is love. Defining love though…well I am in the throes of doing that now. I am learning what love is to me and how to give and receive love. In not knowing love like I thought I did, I am humbled and on my knees a lot. I am in prayer and constant meditation as I learn what I want my love to look and feel like. I am learning by trial and error what I do not want my love to feel like. I am learning that sometimes when I thought I was loving that I wasn’t. Some of the people that I thought I was loving, I actually was not loving like a verb. I haven’t loved everyone the way I want to be loved. I haven’t treated everyone the way I want to be treated. I thought I had. I really thought I had done better than I had at loving. I really thought I had treated people better than I probably have. It saddens me to learn that I, the girl who wants to love so much and so deeply, is not a very good lover at all. I the friend that I would want to have…and maybe not so much. Maybe I’m just a friends friend. I have lacked vision to see where I have failed to be a friend to the friends of some of my friends. Knowing this, I will be better. Feeling this, I am pained. Getting this, I evolve a bit and I am grateful.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. I pray for you today, that you are able to find some love and healing in your life. I am headed out to get some love and healing of my own.

A post full of pain…asking for love and prayers

I began writing things that I need to get out of my headspace. I am all over the place and speaking of no one and of everyone all at once. I am being pointed and jagged, maybe a little bit, and yet not on purpose. Allow me to be clear by prefacing my writing by saying that this is my space and my healing. I come here solely for that purpose. If you think I am writing about you, who the fuck am I to say that I’m not? I mean it’s only my fucking blog, right? What in the fuck do I know? I only know that I created this space to heal and that is what I come here to do. I write as I see and feel my world in this moment and so be warned…I fucking hurt more than I have ever hurt before. My writing reflects that. More than my silence possibly could, my writing will tell you of darkness overtaking me again. I am the author and I write as things occur for me. I am doing so in this blog, as it is my blog and that is why I am here. Proceed with caution if you are looking to be hurt, offended, called out of implicated…because if that’s what you come looking for, you will most definitely find it. Not because I’m pointing my finger at anyone in particular…one plus one is still two though,isn’t it? And let’s just be honest, you’ll take what I write however the fuck you’re going to take it, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that. This all goes back to the universe, for the greater good of us all…I just have to get it out, or I’m simply not going to make it through it. Easy fucking peasy, unless you’re me and then, just so you know, it’s mother fucking hell. It has always mother fucking been hell. At home. At school. At work. Always fucking hell. I am doing my best to be better than I was and better than where I came from. Days like today though…Fuck me if I wouldn’t just rather mother fucking jump. And so I write…

I always tried to make your garden beautiful because I had no idea I had a garden of my own. I, always the Gardner and never the proprietor. I the sheep in wolves clothing…and now the wolf in sheep’s clothing. The turnabout…the fallout…the misfit in me that never really fits anywhere at all. The unwanted and merely tolerated and for no real reason at all really. To be so unwanted by so many…and to never know the how or why of it all. The narcissist in me knows that it couldn’t possibly be me and the truth…maybe the truth is different? Maybe, for always, it is my destiny, to actually belong nowhere and to no one at all. Maybe I will always be the second choice, at best…and more often than not, nobody’s choice at all. I have been this in hopes of one day, being more than this and yet, this is all I have ever been. I say this not for you to feel sorry. No sorries. These are the truths before me. The reality is clear and my hopes and expectations render me lifeless and paralyzed once again. My dreams of being someone’s one…in all of my want and longing…in all of my ego and disappointment of having never been that at all…I have selfishly wanted this for myself. I have wanted so badly, to be more to you than I am to you. It is wrong of me to have asked and begged this of you and I am sorry that I asked of you at all. For my asking was it’s own knowing that it did not come to you. My begging became louder, falling on deaf ears. My cries became deeper, as I allowed myself to believe that I knew not my own wants., my own needs and my desires.

My life has never, not for one breath, been easy. My getting here at all was labored and lacking breath. My being here seems to have labored everyone whom has crossed my path in any significant way at all. I have said a million times that I was not meant for this world. Worse than that, I was ridiculous and naive enough to believe, that this world actually needed me. I stand corrected, for this world needs me not. My destiny has been that I be reminded of this, time and time and time again…and to hope for more than this, time and time and time again, in vain. The idiocy of me is astounding…absolutely fucking astounding. I actually believe in the things that my heart knows to be true. I know, in spite of those who don’t know. I know because I feel what others cannot fathom. I have survived a million deaths and been slashed by billions of tongues. The worst and most mortal blows have always come from my inner sanctum. The most egregious harms have befallen me by my very own. My heart has been ripped from my very chest by those who fell asleep to its beating.

You know me not, for I know me not. I think myself to be more than I’ve shown myself to be. I am too fucking lost and shattered and broken to continue the facade of pretending to be otherwise. I am a million shards and disconnected from all I have ever known at all. I am no one, even and especially to myself.

To be discarded, one must taste the stench of the garbage pile. To be led to believe that you are, as you are not…well I would guess , that one must have some cracks and some scars and some open and bleeding wounds. I must not mistake you for myself, as I have so many times in the past done. I must not think that you meant not to toss me aside. I must not allow you the mercy of this being a convenient misunderstanding or an oversight. When I was at my lowest and my weakest, you discarded me. I am still at my weakest, as the light becomes clear and the darkness reveals our truths. You left before the darkness turned to dawn. Do You think that because you cannot see my light, that I do not know your darkness? You think me to be as stupid as you let me believe I was, don’t you?

I sit here lost and broken into a million bits. I write to make some sense, as there is so, so much pain. I am in so, so much pain. We must not write of these things, or speak of them aloud. Others must not know of our brokenness, or they will overcome us. We must not be ever overcome again.

To speak of the real things that have taken place, somehow renders me absent of reality at all. Struck down and slain by my own, and then turned into a place of being constantly inside out. Well it hardly seems fair or just.

Speaking my truth only to be met with the resistance of those who have no real truth of their own. To be dismissed and disregarded so easily by those who never even heard a word I said. The defensive army behind its aggressors are the same shade of weak and menacing, whispering quiet nothingness, that speak louder than the bombs they set off in others. Right before they slip away to ask the others what just happened…after igniting a fucking inferno underneath the masses, calling themselves a private and quiet person…a mother fucking tsunami of epic proportions erupts in splendor, right before my fucking eyes, at the dismantling one will do to another. Human beings do this. Human beings are the only animals who destroy their own kind for sport and amusement, all while spending their lives convincing other people that is not what they are doing. What in the actual fuck? And we call ourselves evolved? We are not even mother fucking civil!

I write and I see faces of those who think they got by me…those who convinced themselves that no one was looking, that I wouldn’t find out. What a glorious day it must have been, the first time you deceived me and were not caught…what a Segway into a lifetime of such deceptions to befall me, over and over and over again, at your hands.

Time seems to have stopped and is standing completely still for me right now. The pain is blasting me out of my own reality. I am partially paralyzed and utterly devastated. I am broken. I am not naive anymore and I don’t know what in the fuck to do with that knowing. I stay suspended in pain that knows no bounds and I wonder how long I will last. I argue your case for you, to myself, so I can endure that which you have inflicted upon me, even as you’ve convinced yourself that I don’t know. To be as naive and careless and carefree as you are…so frivolous and arrogant with my heart, with my being, that you never really considered me at all, did you?

Is this hurt or anger? Is this blame? For me…right now, it is all just fucking pain. And with all of the words in the world at my disposal, I’ve absolutely no words for what this is doing to me. I have no parameters or knowing of how far down I must go before I begin to rise. I only know that this water is mother fucking deep and I’ve been treading treacherous water for a while now. I am weary and weakening and I am sad. I am so, so sad today, that all I have been able to do is what I absolutely had to do and write. I’ve got nothing else…and everything else right now, coming down on top of me.

I am broken. I am so very, very broken. The most disappointing thing that has happened to me today so far, is that I woke up at all. Truly, I’ve not been so sad and so low and so helpless and hopeless for so long. This is way too familiar and I do not want to feel the way I’m feeling. My little heart is crushed and I just cannot find my way. I ask for your love and prayers as I attempt to pull myself out of an abyss that I would just as soon stay in. I ask for your love as I sit here unable to find any love at all for myself. The darkness surrounds me and I feel the tears welling up in my throat. I hurt. I hurt so fucking much.

I hope you find beauty in your day. I’m going to try to do the same. I love you.