Good morning everyone! I’m sorry I’ve been distant. The struggle has been real for me for a few days and I’ve been quiet. I am good. I just really get sad sometimes. I miss my Dad a lot and I cannot imagine what the fuck happened. I let it go before I get suicidally depressed over it. Why should I be so sad when other people decide to go? Why should I want that which has left me? I have decided that I will not spend time here, trying to make it make sense. Why battle to stay away? Feels like I should just be able to be gone and be done and over it, for it is clearly finished. Anyway, I won’t lie, i fucking hurt, like I’ve never hurt before over it. Until I don’t hurt anymore, I will allow the pain to heal me, as it has hurt me enough already. And that’s enough of that. That is where I have been…not where I am at this morning.
This morning I am praying for our friend, and for her recovery and for traveling mercies today. Today I set down those who do not love me anymore so that I can be present with those who do love me. I ask you to please say a little prayer for our friend as she travels back home to recover from major surgery. Today, my heart is with her and all of my love…with her. I lift her up that God may literally carry her back to her home and her life and her loves. God, please wrap your loving arms and protection around our friend today and get her home safe, to her healing space, with those who she loves and who love her the most. Please God, place your hands on her, that she heal and recovery perfectly and peacefully. All of my love my friend! We will see you soon! Safe travels and take good care of you today!
I also have another dear friend returning home today, after being away for some healing. My friend left his love and his life to go and find himself. Today he comes home and I am so thankful that he went. Please send him some love as he re-enters his new life, a new man. Today is a big day for him and for those who love him the most, as he returns from a journey that many of us will never know or understand. I love you my friend! Welcome home!
And this morning I shave for six of my friends battling cancer. Shaving every couple of days is a spiritual experience for me. As I stand in front of my mirror and shave, I go to each of them. I spend quiet time with each of them. Shaving my hair, to give them strength for their journey, is my way of loving them from where I am at. I have done this as long as I can remember. I will do this for always. This is my way of holding them, of loving them like a verb…of supporting their journey and I am so thankful that I am able and willing to do this. I shave for each of us and for all of us, for we all need strength that we just cannot tap into. I offer you mine. Use it as you need it and pass it on to someone who needs it more, if you don’t need it. We have to begin to make our love tangible. We have to be able to feel each other, if we are ever to give an actual shit what each other is going through, don’t we?
Aiden went missing on St. Patrick’s day a year ago. I have been in much silent gratitude for his safe return home. Aiden and I became one during his time missing, and I will be forever thankful for his place in my very soul. We slept in the backs of recliners and the floorboards of abandoned cars. Aiden still crawls up and snuggles into my stomach some nights and we hold each other close, until our storms pass. I see Aiden and his beautiful family as often as I can and I am so grateful. Aiden changed my life and opened a piece of my heart that I didn’t even know I had and I am so thankful for Aiden! I love you Aiden!
I have another dear friend heavy on my heart this morning, as he is struggling also. His demons have come for him repeatedly, and still he fights to stay here with us. He fucks up and gets kicked in his own teeth and he gets back up and he tries again. He is my friend and I love him. He is my heart and I feel him. He is me. I am him.
Praying prayers of gratitude for all of the amazing love in my life, that allows me to love as I do. I would not be here now if it weren’t for the love of some amazing people who loved me when I could not love myself. Thank you to each and every one of you who loves me. I love you too!
We never know anyone’s struggle, do we? We have no idea what people are dealing with. We have no idea that they are sick or struggling or terminally ill. We don’t know that their dad just died or that their son has cancer. We don’t know that their son is autistic. We cannot imagine what it’s like to live in their home, where they have no heat. We don’t know what it’s like to have thirteen personalities, abusive parents and dead wives. We don’t know how it feels to be cheated on and left for someone else. Or maybe we do know these things…I know many of these things, and yet, I cannot know these things for you. We carry our own demons with us, until we forgive ourselves and release them from us. We drag our past behind us, until we realize that it is fucking gone and done and over, and it’s not coming back. We unearth the graves a million times before we accept that they are fucking empty. We chase the ones we love the most of all, until we come to accept, finally, that they do not love us back. Out there in the “real” world, in the hustle and bustle, someone just lost someone. Someone just lost their job, their wife, their sobriety…their best friend, their mind…their house, their car…someone just raped someone and doesn’t know what the fuck he has just done. Someone just beat their own child to death. Someone killed their own dog and someone just committed suicide. We are all someone. We have all experienced some of these things. We must know this and begin to love each other through this. We cannot hate our way to love. We must love our way to love. Now is the time my friends. Now is the time.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.