Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Thank you for bringing color to my world…

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you had a beautiful day of love yesterday! I had a beautiful day of love and I feel so, so blessed.

I won’t lie, there was a sting yesterday…an emptiness of things gone before. A void where my Mom and Dad once were…a sadness that could not be consoled. I sat silently all evening, gazing off into the nothingness…bringing my mind back in from wandering through times behind me, as much as possible. Thinking of Valentines Days gone from me, I began again yesterday, to make this day my day of love. All of my love and gratitude for those who loved me so much, those whom are gone from me now. To my Mom in heaven, Happy Valentines Day Mom. I missed your strawberry cake and your cream puffs…your velvet heart box of chocolate candy and your beautiful red roses and glittery card. I miss you mom. I love you.

I cannot not feel as I’m feeling. I am doing my best to just sit with it and let it have its way with me until it passes. I am trying not to ask why and I am trying not to hurt. The truth is, I do hurt. I hurt so fucking bad that I can barely breathe. I hurt so deeply that I am paralyzed sometimes, and all I can muster the strength to do is to sit and stare into the nothingness. Wipe the tears from my cheeks and release the lump in my throat, and let it pass. I do this all of the time, to acknowledge the pain and to give it its space and then to set it free.

I could never have known how things would come to be. Nothing could have prepared me for the lies and the deception…the horror that rocked my life…the horror that embodied my life and held me in its grip for so long. I could never have heard the words, still unuttered, even as they ricochet through my mind and annihilate my very troubled soul. On Valentine’s Day, in the midst of amazing love, I just could not let go of the absence of love that brought me here. The candy heart conversations have ceased and the chocolate has all been eaten…the roses have wilted away and died…the cards stopped coming and the time is behind us. A life cut short too soon, to ever have the conversation I have always needed the most. Inside of me there is the conversation I will never have, with a person who is gone, about what in the fuck happened to me and my life. Yesterday, the reality hit me like a ton of little candy hearts…it is finished. It is all finished. There is nothing I can do. There is absolutely nothing I can do with all I have come to know. I’ve been carrying all of these bits and pieces around with me, praying they will somehow come together. These jagged little pieces will never come together, for they are not my pieces, and they never fucking were my pieces. I have been cutting myself on the shards of someone else. I have been left bleeding and scarred horribly by someone else’s transgressions. As I wade through the bullshit and the rhetoric, I begin to see the light of my new day. As my eyes open and I come to know the truth, my eyes fill up with tears and my heart starts to break in two…I shut it down. I think enough has been taken from me already. Enough love…enough time…enough of me…enough of being too much and of not being enough…enough of being an empty and hollow little valentine. Running along with Cupid, shooting my little Cupid bow and arrow..rallying up the love of the masses, with my lifeless and loveless and broken little heart. Enough! Enough! Enough!

I have based who I am upon where I came from. I have defined myself by the life that I was born into and to the ides of those who brought me here. I have adapted their stories and paid their debts…I have survived the unsurvivable. All of this, to be with all of you right now. Had one moment been different…had one horror not have happened, I would not be with you this morning. And so, for all of it…every single bit of it, this morning I bow and give thanks. I am so grateful for everyone and everything in my life, for it has brought me home to you.

I rise and I fall. I ebb and I flow. I try and I come up short. I hit and I miss. I wake up again and I give it all I’ve got to give. I am here for a purpose and I intend to fulfill my dharma. I will live my life from a new plateau now…from a heightened space where I can see and know the world around me. No longer lost in the crowd, I have become the stage. Let us all stand up here together and love this world back to good again.

Your past…no matter who you are, myself especially, is your past. It is behind you for a reason. Your parents, like my parents…they are just people. Flawed and fucked up and dysfunctional as all get out. Your nightmares are my own and the horror…I survived it too. The flashbacks and the blackouts…the PTSD and the trauma…yep, we share that also. And guess what, we fucking earned it! We earned our stripes, didn’t we, you and I? So why do we try so hard to hide our stripes? Why do we hide the very best of who we are behind the veils and the evils of those who refused to do their own fucking work? Why are we not shredding this fucking veil already? Why are we still standing behind it like it’s going to lift itself…like someone is coming to save us? There is no one coming to save us. There has never been anyone coming to save us my friends. We must save ourselves. Only we can save us now. Only we have ever been able to save ourselves. Knowing this and accepting this shall be the foundation for my life. There are no others.

As blessed as I am and as much as I am loved, sometimes the lesser loves that I have lost along the way, still hurt me. As much as I am, sometimes I forget. As far as I have come…I often fail to cheer myself on!. As much as I have, I often find myself wanting more. As much as all of this hurts, I am so thankful for the lessons. I am beyond thankful to have the most amazing girl on the world to love me no matter what…for amazing friends and dedicated and gifted angel therapists and doctors, placing their hands and intentions in me to heal the pain that a lifetime can no longer ignore. I am thankful that Shawn is back because of all the things I have ever lost, I missed my baby brother the very most. Through all of everything, my baby brother has meant so much to me and I thank God that we found our way back to one another.

Today, most of all…this girl is fucking blessed and so thankful for the love and abundance and beauty in her life! You are part of my color and part of my beauty and I am so glad you are here with me this morning! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

“There is No One Else” a poem by Coral

Happy Monday morning everyone! I am watching the sun rise and I am so glad to be here with you! Truly, I have been teetering on the edge for a while now. It is so fucking nice to be back!!!!!

And so I write with my brother Rumi and Mother Maryam this morning. My first poetry in a very long time, so be kind! I love you!

“There Is No One Else”

There came a space that lent no mercy, over a sea of salty tears. A ledge that ran out in a tsunami of my fears.

To and fro and past my limit, before crashing down into the great abyss that knew no bounds. I have come to let you that I met my end and my maker. And I have returned to you now.

My heart is pure. The darkness fades to light and I am in gratitude and thanksgiving. My love told me a million times that life is for the living.

The balance has returned and I have found my center once again. My walk through my own personal hell was made tolerable with the love of you, my friends.

For all that caused me to feel so lost, I gave it all to find myself. I was reminded once again that there is no one else.

We come in alone and we leave alone when our time comes. This walk is only ever been, to remind us that we are one.

My fears and my transgressions and my unknowing of myself; only to learn once again that there was never anyone else.

The reminder of loves mercy, when I finally set it all down. I couldn’t see clearly to save my own life, what I see so clearly now.

The oneness that felt more like aloneness had been a Segway to myself. I stand here to remind you that there is no one else. There has never been anyone else.

Our choices are but two, as they have always been. You choose love or you choose fear. Either way, you win.

For fear teaches us the lessons that blessings alone cannot reveal. Fear brings us back to love, and it always will.

As long as we are open and as long as we stay true, fear will bring us back to the greatest love we never; always, only ever really knew.

As we flail in competition and as we fight to stay afloat, I simply came to remind us all that we are rowing our own boat.

We compete, only ever with ourselves. The battles and the demons, they were never those of someone else.

The darkness and the light; the shadows and the cracks that rage inside. We must remember that these are only ever, the turbulence of our own tides.

I forgot in all of my self-inflicted fury, that I could simply set it down. I flailed and suffered horribly, until exhaustion finally threw me facedown to the ground.

So, I came here this morning to remind us once again, there are truly no others. We may begin again.

Set it down. Turn it over. Lift it up and set it free. Give yourself your glory, for God you are indeed.

If it serves you, keep it and if it doesn’t, let it go. If it sets your soul on fire, then I don’t need to tell you what you already know.

If it poisons you and makes you sick inside and you think the outside world can’t see; I am here to remind you, that you, simply reflect me.

Your demons are my own and I love you just the same. You and I are kindred spirits. We hover as moths over the very same flame.

Dial it down and breathe it out. Take a moment and give thanks. Remember once again that it’s all in what you think.

You are divine. You are radiant and glowing. Whether you know it yet or not, your cup is overflowing.

There is only ever you to blame and only ever you to thank. For, how you perceive your world and your surroundings is the gas you put in your own tank.

I love you. Have a beautiful day!

I cut this puppets strings and I set this circus down. And so it is.

Happy Sunday everyone. I hope you have a beautiful day planned today. I have a beautiful day planned with my girl and I am so happy to be spending today with her!

I realize that I have been vague and ambiguous as to what exactly is going on in my life for the last month. I really just don’t have words and the words I have had…well they have not been kind, and so as much as possible, I have held on to them. I have been in the most excruciating emotional pain of my entire life and I am done feeling this way. Tamara hit her breaking point last night and I woke to hit mine this morning. These girls are done and fucking done with the pain and drama that has infiltrated our lives…with the non-transparency and the lies and the manipulation and the fucking piles upon piles of bullshit…done and fucking done, we are with this rhetoric. I have cried enough tears in the last month to nearly drown myself. I allow the river I have cried since my mom got sick, to flush my heart of what does not belong to me. I allow the tears to wash it all away…wash it all away…wash it all away. And so it is.

I have learned that I come from the Cherokee Indians. I am 1/16 Cherokee Indian. These shall be the roots that grow deep into the earth to ground and center me. I shall begin to know my people and their ways…their traditions and their customs. Of all that I have come to know that I am, I choose to hold onto this. My mom mentioned this throughout my life…this small part of her lineage, that she seemed to care nothing much about, other than to see if it would qualify me for financial assistance for college. I on the other hand, didn’t give a fuck about college, and have always been far more interested in this piece of myself. Who am I and where did I come from? This information was given to me by my cousin last week and this is all I know of who I am, in lineage. So, if you know anything about me and who I am, I would love to hear from you. If you have a piece of this part of our lineage, I would love for you to share it with me, in a photo…in a story…in a handwritten letter…I would love to have a piece of that part of me. Truly, for me, I am going to take this piece of myself and I am going to let the rest go. I am choosing who I am and I am shedding who I am not. I begin with learning all I can about the People I come from, and their ways and traditions. This piece of myself has always called out to me and I call back now…I am ready. I am here. Please come for me and tell me from where I came. And so it is.

As I came down here to write this morning, stumbling on the wreckage of my past…Bruised and battered and all banged up. Shamed and embarrassed by shit that isn’t even mine…bleeding out for those who have gone on ahead of me and for those who left me behind…flailing and crashing about in all of this fucking rubble…I barely made it safely to the door of our healing space. I am fucking done. Truly, done and fucking done. I have come to let you know that if you are unhealthy for me, I have come to let you go. I will not exert any energy, any longer on anyone who does not love me honestly, openly and like a verb. I will not spend one more moment attempting to save The drowning, until I hone my own swimming skills first. Even then, I shall throw out a life preserver and I shall not be attached to whether you grab hold or not, for you are drowning and only you can save you from that. Only I can save me from this. I have finally come to know that this battle is with myself. I will not spend one more second hating myself. I have been in the very worst space and the very worst pain of my entire life for the past three years and forty days and I am fucking done. I am done and fucking done, dangling by the thread whose puppet master knows no bounds, no mercy and no compassion. Today, I cut this puppets strings and I set this circus down. For this is not my circus and these are not my clowns. As I look around me, I begin to laugh with abandon, at the clowns 🤡 all around me 🤡 look at the silly little 🤡 clowns!!!!! As I untangle myself from these strings and I realize I am finally free, I run with the clowns 🤡 to the gate that has held me! This circus 🎪…these 🤡 clowns….they are not even mine!!! Entangled in their stories and suffocated in their dysfunction no longer…this is not my circus and I am free to go!!!! Not my circus and not my clowns…not my circus and not my clowns…not my circus and not my clowns….and so I set this circus down. And so it is.

Thank you Tamara, for carrying me through the literal hell of the past three years and 40 days and 40 nights. The anguish and the pain…the primal cries and the destruction in our own lives, as a result, all behind us now. Thank you for carrying me when I could not even breathe and for breathing your breath into me when I could not find my own. Thank you for breaking last night, so that I could break this morning, so that we can be done with what is not ours. Thank you for the hell you have endured to see me through my own. Thank you for being my girl and my whole world. I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and always, my beautiful, dear, and amazing girl! Thank you for seeing me thorough this. We are done and fucking done with that which is not ours. And so it is.

To every single one of you who has held me though this storm, with all of my heart, I love you and I thank you. For every single prayer…for every bit of love…thank you. I love you right back.

For those tossed about by the turbulence of the forces that moved in us when we came together, I pray for your peace and for your return to stillness now. For those whom I chased after being dismissed, I cut the cord that binds us and set us both free to our own dharma now. To the circus and all of the clowns, my deepest thanks for hosting me. It has been quite a fucking doozie up in here, and I thank you for your hospitality and for your lessons, turning into blessings every single day. To anyone I have hurt and to everyone I have harmed, I offer my sincerest and most heartfelt apology to you now. I know I have been the clown in many circuses myself and so I acknowledge the disruption and I set the circus down. And so it is.

I hope you have a beautiful Sunday! As I untangle from the final string, held only by my own pause, I am off to love and live my life today! I love you!

I bow my head in prayer…

Good morning everyone! Today is one of introspection for me. I feel that I need to pull myself inward a bit and lick my own wounds. I need to handle my own demons and address my own life fall out. I need to spend some time loving myself today and more time loving my girl today, as this day hurts her.

I imagine you may be hurting today too. I know you are. I feel your pain as my very own. Today, I spend time in sacred meditation to clear the residual pain that didn’t pass through. Your pain and my pain…they have lingered in me. Today, for us all, I do a clearing and blessing of that pain, as I send it back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all.

I revisit the Upledger Course I took very early in my career, called, “Healing From the Core; Grounding and Healthy Boundaries” this morning. I remind myself to ground and center and to unravel your pain from my own, that we each be blessed with her lessons and her blessings. Our pain is here to teach us,to grow us and to bring us to our joy. Forgive me for trying to shield you from the pain that you have coming as your own birthright. I stand back and allow you your journey. Somehow I merged into your journey and lost sight of my own. It feels nice to give us both space and permission for our pain, doesn’t it? I believe in the good things coming! I believe in you. I believe in me. I believe in us, collectively and individually on this journey. I do fully believe that you know what is best for you. You called upon yourself what you need to evolve and grow on your journey, just as I have. The harder the lessons, the deeper the blessings, right? I do not speak of those of you who’ve come to me and asked for help, as you’ve got me in your pocket. I speak of those who have not asked for my help…those whom I tried to help anyway. To each of you, I apologize for interfering in your journey and all that befalls and blesses you. I return to my own journey and to what befalls and blesses me. And so it is.

  • My journey will always cross lines to protect those without voices, for whatever renders them speechless is their cry for help and our call to action. No matter who you are, you’ve a responsibility and a moral obligation to those who need your help and cannot speak for themselves. We must help those who cannot ask for help themselves and those who obviously and desperately come to us and ask, just the same. We know right from wrong, don’t we? We feel it when it’s wrong, in our guts…in our hearts…in our shaking hands and quivering and screaming voices…we know right from wrong. We are our own moral compass, you know? And not one of us is without opportunity for some balance and some Good Orderly Direction. So, today is about all of this for me. Returning to center and to balance. Evaluation of what is mine and what is not mine. Finding balance and synchronicity within my own compass and my own life’s path. I am so thankful for the studio that surrounds me and for the wilderness that blankets her this morning as I bow my head in prayer.
  • I hope you have a beautiful Monday. I love you and I thank you for being here this morning. I know the room still feels heavy. I am working on it…thanks for staying with me as I figure it all out.
  • I will rise from these ashes.

    I lingered and then lingered some more, as I knew that when I left, I would not pass this way again. All of the memories and horrors…all of the expectation and disappointment and disgust…all of this fucking pain. I stood in all of that pain. As the pain kept raining down, I stopped seeking refuge and shelter. I just stopped. I decided instead, to let the rain and the tears wash me away. Wash me all away. I have never really done much more than existed, and that was a chore at times. Standing here though…being here and repeatedly trying to leave here…all while trying to find a way to stay here. Something broke in me. I let it break. Literally being shredded and mocked and taunted with tones and rigid jaw lines and then being rendered lifeless by the contempt. There’s no fight for this. There are no words for this. There is no reprieve from this. This has never been okay. I have never been safe. I have been thrown away and I grieve as though I am the one who left. I would never have left. I know I am not the leaver… I am the left behind…a pattern I’ve learned and repeated so, so many times before. I won’t act like this is okay. I forgive. I cannot forget. I love. We are the best thing that ever came of all of this. We stand alone. I stayed and I held space. This pain though…I have never known pain like this before. Foreign and so familiar is the pain that finally hit me hard enough for me to go down. We closed out a couple of lifetimes standing there. There was no budge and I cannot bend anymore without fracturing myself beyond repair. I regress. This morning though…first thing when I opened my eyes… the tears continue to fall. No dam can hold the flood of tears on their way down. No force can stop the flood and there is no comfort to be found. I haven’t spoken much of this, as I don’t even begin to know how to find the words. These words, somehow jumbled and coded, edited into “I” statements. These words are so void of all of the pain inside. These words are the best that I can stammer out, in an effort to relieve the tension that holding them has caused.

    This is about me. This is about me and how I feel about what has been done. I have the power to make decisions best for me. I am not powerless. Making someone else wrong will never make any of us right. Lies are an attempt to hide a truths that don’t align with us. I have been invisible and I have been hurt repeatedly and on purpose. Over and over, and over again, I’ve not been seen at all. And I…I am barely breathing and moments away from ceasing to exist anymore at all. I am dying and I have been blatantly denied life support. I am drowning and the flood gates have been opened anyway. I am broken as the cord that held my world snaps and crashes down on top of me. I am struggling in the rubble and I extend my hand. I see the shadow pass before me and the hands shoved in the pockets of the dark image passing by. I am but a lowly beggar and my basket is nearly empty. My heart nearly broken. My face tear stained and aged and lined. I stand alone and so I am going now too. Another thing and the worst of things is that I would fix this if I could. I cannot. I cannot fix this. I did not break this. Unaccountability and anger and greed and rage and entitlement and contempt that can no longer be disguised or hidden behind other words seeps out and drains my soul. The mask has fallen off and the truth, scribbled across the shadows of a face I used to know. I can. I won’t. The rhetoric in my head, that I repeat on accident…unsettling. A broken little girl in a woman’s body. Sam and Coral and Coral and Sam, tumbling about, being tossed and turned out…A golden boy falling from grace that never befell him. And she in her casket. We have fallen apart. We have fallen from grace. We have lost more than we ever could have imagined. And my soul shrieks in the most agonizing pain of this lifetime. The bloodstains and the tears…the flashbacks and the right nows…the horrors and the lifelessness…the lovelessness…and I must go on.

    For each painful thing that befalls me, and oh how it has befallen me, that I cannot turn seem to turn positive and to the light, I offer three positives and I give thanks. And I am on my way to that, in the midst of all of this.

    In the loss of all I’ve truly ever known, I have gained the opportunity to be myself. And I give thanks.

    I have done enough here and so I must go, as I’ve much good work to do our there. It rips my heart into bits to be begrudged the little bit of happy I have found and to feel the venom seeping out. Our house was full of strangers and friends…friends who who aren’t even friends back…and we watched from the outside of the glass. We had our little faces pressed against the glass, peering through the window at the Christmas of someone else in a home that we used to call our own. And we cry…God do we fucking cry. And I must go on. Without the knowing of how, I will go on.

    Brand new, I return to the rooms of AA. Beginning again, from my lowest point in four and a half decades, I crack the cover of my big book for the first time. I begin again. I die this death to be born anew. I die this death to begin my life as me, for I will not dwell here any longer.

    For the gifts and the lessons and for the endless and abundant blessings, I am so thankful. I truly am. I know how blessed I am. I write to heal myself. I write to get all of this out. I write to try to sort myself, my life…this. I intend to harm no one. And, I will not be silent. I have carried the sins of many. I have endured the beatings of nations. Today, on this day, I decide. Tomorrow and the next day and all of the days after that, I decide. From now on and for always, I decide. My decisions will be in my own best interest and in my own highest good…in the highest good of everyone, for we are all the same.

    I am in the throes of something that I must go deep within to resolve and sort out. I have pulled myself out of circulation today and will not be available, as I repair my heart and lick my wounds. As I prepare my inner warrior for spiritual battle, I must prepare a place and I must ready myself for the letting go that is taking place, to prepare for all of the good things coming. These embers are still hot and cooling down, and as I patiently wait for them to become ashes, I prepare myself to rise up. I will rise from these ashes. And so it is.

    As always, I send all that does not serve us, back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I love you. Have a beautiful Sunday!

    Let’s light it up!

    Good morning everyone and happy Saturday! Thank you to everyone who began following my blog yesterday. I feel much better pulling it from Facebook, as I am a little overwhelmed by all of the negativity and hate as of late. I was starting to absorb all of that shit and I was becoming reactive and intolerant myself. I apologize for that and I think pulling myself out of it a bit will help. I am so glad you are here! I really am. We try to find some solace here, don’t we? Some peace and some love…somewhere to belong and someplace we can all come anytime we like. This healing room is ours and we can be ourselves here. Thank you for being here with me this morning! I love you!

    When I am facing my most difficult challenges, my most personal challenges…I tend not to write about them right away. I am in such a situation right now. I ask for your love and your prayers that I may hold my tongue and make sure that when I do speak that my words pass all three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

    And so I pray…please pray with me if you are so inclined:

    Dear God and brother Rumi, this morning I pray for peace and surrender in my heart for that which has come to be and for all that will come to be. I pray that I may hold loving space and that I honor the highest good of everyone involved, including myself. I pray for peace. I pray for acceptance enough to let go of expectations. I pray for peace. I pray that I may be love and be loved. I release my need to be right. As Tamara says, being right makes someone you love wrong. Please shower me with your grace and mercy that I may just be. Lord hear my prayer. And so it is. Amen.

    Thank you. I am trying not to try so hard to sort it all out. The struggle is real though and I am in my fucking head a lot more than I wish to be. Always in my head. Always in my past and in my future and wanting to be right here, right now. I know the spinning starts in my head and not in my heart. PTSD is just my mind fucking with me over and over and over again. The severity of the attack is like the volume control button and sometimes, I blow my fucking speakers, before I can begin to dial it down. The spinning is nauseating…truly sickening and I cannot steady myself. The double-headed serpent is a mother fucking bitch to walk around with. Clashing and thrashing and gnashing and clawing in fight or flight, until complete exhaustion drops me to my knees again. And so I begin to pray again. The struggle is real.

    Let’s talk about you though, shall we? How are you? I know that many of you are struggling too. The darkness is heavy around us, isn’t it? We are in uncharted territory and in unsure times. We are running scared and spinning out, aren’t we? We all have PTSD of our own, in my opinion. The severity ranges and The diagnoses vary. The causes are a sea of many horrors that we have trouble treading water in, no matter who we are. We all go somewhere and can’t find our way back sometimes. We all shut out that which we cannot hear or see or know, until we make a choice to see and to hear and to know something different. We are not locked out my friends. We are locked inside. The door opens only from the inside. We are held captive in our own prisons, at our own hands, and we have the fucking key. Only we have the key to truly get ourselves out. Only we, when we are ready, will be able to free us from the bondage of our pasts. I have heard this and I have known this to be true. This morning though, I am going to open that fucking door and get the fuck up out of here! Prison break! Do you want to join me? We could devise a plan…”the best laid plans of mice and men”…nah. We could….how about we just fucking do it? Who is with me? Let’s just grab hold of that knob and let us open the doors that imprison us. You will notice that the knob does not even have a keyhole in many cases. In other cases, you will see that the key in your hand fits right into the keyhole, that unlocks your door. We are held captive by ourselves…by our own minds. We must change the way we look at things and the things we look at will begin to change. Just ask Dr. Wayne Dyer. God rest his beautiful soul! Hi Wayne! I love you!

    The door opens only ever form the inside. This news is not news at all. It is old news and we already know it. We have always known it and yet we have never known it at all. Today, let us learn, for the first time, that we are in control of nothing, that our doors are not locked and that we are not defeated. In this darkness that overtakes us, we are the light. Put your hand on your heart and feel it beating. You are the light. We must stop searching for light and love and healing outside of ourselves. We are the light. We are love. We are capable of much of our own healing. We must open the door and we must cross the threshold into the unknown, so that we will know the light. Light that we haven’t found in our darkness is on the other side of the door that holds us captive in the dark. We have become accustomed to the illusion of safety in the dark. We are where the light enters us. We are the light. We hold the key. Isn’t this wonderful news! We are the light!

    Many of us, myself included, have lost our way. Many of us have been stuck and paralyzed by the horrors of our past. This morning, with my hand on the knob, and my heart throbbing out of my chest in anticipation, open the door from the inside. Thank you Rumi for the inspiration and words for this post. My brother you lit me up! Thank you. I carry the torch and I’m coming around for you. If your torch needs some help to reignite your flame, just place it outstretched before you and I will be by to light you up!

    A hug from a year ago…a smile from yesterday…love from my girl this morning…setting down my expectations…feeling myself softening…opening…growing, ebbing and flowing…loving you so fucking much…this is my good morning. This is our good morning. We don’t need to make a list, we just need to fucking do it. So torches out everyone, let’s go ignite our world with love and light and peace this morning! Be the change. Be the love. That’s where I’m off to this morning! Will you join me? Let’s light it up, shall we?

    The darkness in our lives will persist until we accept that we are the light. As long as we wait for someone else to do it, it will never get done. We are here to love each other home. Let’s get loving!

    Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

    A jumbled confession for us all…

    When the knock at your door finally comes, the knock that you have been praying for, as long as you can remember; will you open the door?

    My knock came and I opened the door. A moment of surrender. Asking for help. Seeking to understand. Clarity in an abyss. Calm in a storm. A fucking Tsunami in the middle of meditation. Prison inside a prison. Bars between us. I Caged you in because I could not get out. I pushed you back until I was able to come forward. I did to you, the only thing I knew to do…I mimicked what was done to me. I silenced you. I controlled you so that I could steady myself. I am sorry. I held you down so that, on a wing and a prayer, I might ever be able to stand up again at all. Thank you. I came first. I mattered so much less always that I was dying of thirst to matter most of all. I surrender. I am blessed to matter. My unquenchable thirst left you parched. I offer you my glass. My needs left you…just you, standing there meeting them, without even having the benefit of me. I see that now. I see you now. Your submission in love of me allowed me to come out of submission myself. Thank you. Your being open allows me to be open too. Your strength, my inspiration. The time you did behind bars for me saved me from a death sentence. Thank you. Your love did and does set me free. I want to be just like you, in my own peculiar way-Thank you SOJA. My hopes are mostly expectations. My dreams are mostly someone else’s dreams. My sense of self is in need of some mending. My pain in enormous and I’m setting it down. My mistakes are countless and I’m forgiving them. Much of who I am is, in actuality, it someone else playing through me, a program that does not serve me. I close and end this program now so that I can bring you my own version of me forty. I forgive. I grieve. I let go. I begin anew. I medicate and meditate as rituals to heal and feed my soul. I stand corrected and I stand down where it does not serve for me to stand up. I surrender. My lifelong prayer of healing…how it needs to occur for me…what it feels and looks and is like…that prayer was answered in a moment this morning. I am so, so thankful. Thank you. My burning question, answered…let go. Fear not. Be well. Accept grace. Admit fault. Begin again. My prayer…heard…answered…and now my work is finished and now my work begins. I fake it until I make it sometimes. Sometimes I make it first. Sometimes the struggle is real. Sometimes there feels to be absolutely nothing at all. In this dark stillness, I began to find myself. The bars come down and we are all free. We are free to be, without limits who we are. As we adjust, shower love and grace abundantly around us. Thank you. As I peel away your way, to find my own…please grant me safe passage. Thank you. As I hit the floor on my knees in all of this reality, please keep me down there until I get it this time, until I really fucking get it. Please gently and lovingly hold me accountable. Please call me out lovingly and with kindness so that I may hear you and be called into my own action, and not the one I’m programmed too. Please let me offer all that I ask for my highest good, for your highest good also. Let me let go. Please remind me not to pick up that which is not mine to carry. Let it lie. Practice the pause. Wait to be asked for help. Wherever I go, go with all of my heart. Practice what I preach. Learn what I teach. Love myself enough to let the hate I have for myself be gone for good this time, for real. Let myself be loved. Accept that I am forgiven. Forgive myself. Be love. Forgive. Accept you on your terms. Stop preventing you from being you so that I can be me. Act in accordance with love always and in all ways. Get back up. Wipe my tears. Forgive myself for not knowing what I don’t know before I knew it. Let it go. Begin again. Don’t try so hard. Don’t try at all. Just be. Love. Be love. Be loved. Have a good day. I love you.

    Some food for thought this morning…

    Good morning everyone! Thank you for being here with me this morning. I feel a little stuck this morning. The words are there and I’m not able to access them. The intention is there and the words are jumbled a bit. And so I pray for guidance that my words be only ever in our highest good.

    There are many facets to Coral. Sam is a huge facet of Coral. My inner child work with Sam is rewarding and trying and humbling and sometimes difficult. Always worth it, and so fucking hard sometimes. Sam is Coral and Coral is Sam. Sam I am. Sam has been very present since October. The trauma and the pain and the disgust and disappointments…the Anniversary’s and the holidays. My ongoing traumatic medical situation and pelvic injections every month…the struggle has definitely and undoubtedly been real for me. Suicidal ideation has been a constant visitor and sobriety has been hard to hold onto…not in abstaining from drinking alcohol, but fuck if the stinking thinking hasn’t kicked me in my ass. Learning the unfathomable and learning to live with the shockwave that wrecked through me as a result of it. I have undoubtedly been a hot fucking mess. I have been gone from me. I have been gone from my life, from the Sanctuary, from you, quite possibly…and maybe from you too. Most of all though, I have been gone from me. I have been dead inside, simply because that is the only thing that kept me alive. Being dead kept my heart beating. Leaving my body allowed me to return to it and to stay here with you. These subconscious choices were not made by me, and yet on some level, I’ve not doubt that for my own growth that I picked a hard path. I come here to write, to get it all out…to love and to heal us all. I do my best. I fall short and I fuck up. I forget things and I miss things all together. I am a hot fucking mess stitched together with the very best of intentions. I can promise you that my intentions are pure and in love and light, always. My mouth though…ya sometimes, maybe because I’m human being, being human…maybe because I don’t know better…I say things that do not align with me. I have expectations, disguised as hopes and hurt parading around as anger. I am so disgusted by some things that I literally cannot occupy the same space. I don’t know what happened to cause this and yet I do know why…I can’t breathe in the toxicity of some and so I must take space. In my inability to cope in all of the hate and fear and rage that lunges itself at me, I guess it’s fair to say that I, at times, have become hateful and fearful and full of rage. In being so blatantly and violently abused, I too have been abusive. Having only been merely tolerated, I have become intolerant. In being oppressed or so long , I am busting the fuck out. In being wounded, I have thrown some daggers myself. I am flawed as fuck. I am wrong sometimes. I suck sometimes. In being left parentless for good orderly direction, I am hustling to learn all that I missed. I am re-learning and re-programming patterns that do not serve me. I am accepting the things I cannot change, as I accept I’ve no choice. I accept where I am in my life and how I got here. I own my shit to the best of my ability. I really do.

    What has me all worked up and upset this morning is that I know that what is unsettling to me in you, is mirroring something in me. I really do get that. What I fail to understand is why I am so worked up over things that I really have not chosen to educate myself about. Why do I get so upset about bits and pieces of a whole that I’m not in the know about? My only answer is this…when I feel other beings being harmed or hurt, silenced and oppressed, abused and disregarded…thrown away and left dead or for dead and broken…I feel I must say something. I feel I must speak and raise awareness. I write and so I write with all of my heart. I love with all of my heart, without knowing or caring to know details…I just love. I am on fire and passionate about love. I have been denied love and I have denied love and so I am going out there to love all I can, while I can. Sometimes, in my passion, I forget to pause or I re-post someone else’s words on my pages. I forget to remember and so thankfully I was reminded this morning, that using other peoples words fails to account for me and my intention and my infliction. The words may express how I feel and yet they aren’t my words and they don’t hold my meaning.

    I made a policy in my business and in my life a long time ago, to not discuss religion or politics. Early on I learned that not speaking about religion is pretty easy for me, although I am well versed in it. I will speak openly about my spirituality and my higher power, as it pertains to me and my work and my life experiences. Politics has never been something I like to discuss at all, with anyone. In my home growing up, political talk was always heated and I hated it. Controversial and angry…judgement riddled and irritating as fuck, was all of this rhetoric, and so I insisted that we agree to disagree and to shut the fuck up about it. I keep that policy for myself, for the most part.

    Lately though, I have stepped out of bounds a bit. I have become reactive to the ignorance thrown at me. I have responded to, instead of walked away from, situations that triggered me. I have reacted instead of silenced myself until I could pass through all three gates…is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? I stand corrected. Truly, I have passionately gone forth in defense of the atrocities that plague us all, without much pause.

    My politics are my business and I apologize if I’ve allowed my opinions to slip past my lips. I do not discuss politics. I do not post about politics. I do not endorse or make a statement about anyone, as I am not educated enough or passionate enough to do so. I just want to be clear henceforth that I have no interest in political conversation. I have mine and you have yours and we are each entitled to that. If I gave any impression otherwise, I assure you that I will be more mindful henceforth.

    I love you right where you are at. I really, really do. I have no expectation. I just love you. I just wanted to clear that up, as a very dear friend called me yesterday about a post I put up on my business page. I cannot tell you what that call meant and how difficult it was and how beautiful it was, to be loved enough to be asked about this privately and lovingly. I was able to hear every single word and she was not wrong. It is because of the beautiful conversation I was gifted yesterday, that I am able to stand before you for all that I am not, just the same as I stand before you for all that I am. Thank you my beautiful friend for the call. Love is a verb and I thank you for loving me like a verb. To my girl, thank you for how you love me and see me. I love you more than I’ve words to tell you Tamara.

    I hope you each have a beautiful and love-filled day. I love you.

    Today I celebrate me!

    Good Monday morning! I am taking my five year chip today at noon and I’ve got a lot going on inside me. Tumbling around and tossing itself about…that which is not mine. I realize that it is not mine and so I write this morning to release it.

    Corals morning dialogue with self went something like this;

    Why did I invite the people I invited to see me take my five year chip? Hmmmmm…I invited a few of my friends to come to see me take my five year chip because I desperately want for them to have what I have. I see that their struggle is real. Being invited to an AA meeting five years ago, on my way to happy hour, is why I am sitting here sober this morning. And so, I invited them to a meeting with me, like I was invited to a meeting with a friend five years ago. There are others that I invited because I want them to see me sober…as they have only ever known me in active addiction. I want them to see me. There are people that I invited because they have been my fucking lifeline over the course of my sobriety. Phone calls and texts straight from the heavens…on days when I wasn’t sure where my next breath was coming from…you were my breath. Thank you. Invited the people I love the most…the people who have loved me the most…like a verb. I invited all of you. I will see those if you whom are so called or so moved to be with me today at noon!

    My life had become unmanageable. That’s Why I’m Here. Thank you Kenny Chesney.

    The last year for me has been my most difficult, as I accept that I’ve been let go of. I didn’t think there would be a more difficult sober year for me than the year my mom died three years ago. It just reminds me that I am in control of nothing…absolutely nothing at all. My mom sent me one last card in the mail before she died and that card was congratulations for my sober birthday. A Dr. Seuss Birthday card form my Mom and Dad, in my Moms writing. My mom was so proud of my sobriety. There is no fucking way in hell I’m letting go of it. I am not sober for my Mom, and not I am not sober for anyone else. I am a sober woman for me and that is how I stay sober.

    Today I thank each and every one of you who left, for you made room for those who belong here and want to be here. Thank you. I thank each of you who stayed, for your love has kept me going. I thank God. Thank you Tamara for inviting me to that meeting five years ago. Thank you.

    AA is a private thing really. Friends of Bill. Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason…and so I just wanted to reflect on why I felt I wanted to make my five year chip public this year. I invite you to a very deep and personal part of myself, when I invite you into my sobriety. I invite you into an even deeper part of myself when I invite you into my life before sobriety. So, there you have it!

    Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

    I am 5 years sober today!

    Good morning everyone! I am overflowing with gratitude this morning for my sobriety. I am not going to lie…it’s all a bit surreal.

    Five years. My life has changed so much in the last five years. Being sober is an experience I never wanted to experience. Now I have no desire to ever be drunk again…no desire to be absent…no want to be numb enough that I convince myself that I don’t feel at all. Becoming me is an eye-opening and life-transforming experience. I thought I was me and so all of this un-becoming…well it’s a fucking trip to be honest with you! Sobriety for me, is a choice I never even knew I had and not a choice at all. Abstract and so fucking concrete all at the same time.

    My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

    This morning…this day…this date…all markers for a journey that I’ve been on. I’m just going to start writing my emotions…my thoughts…and maybe it will make sense. Maybe it won’t. This morning I need to purge some, to release some…to just do me a bit.

    My reflection on the last five years:

    Five years. A lifetime. Yesterday. Counting seconds. Days eternal. Infinite depth. Buried alive. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. Fractured bones. Destroyed relationships. Broken dreams. Countless Coronas. Lime trees. Broken. Absent. Missing myself. My drink was my medicine. Medicine for the pain of my past and medicine to keep moving at all. Alcohol saved me. Alcohol destroyed me. Five years ago I stopped.

    I stopped drinking. I stopped numbing myself and my pain. Five years later, without my medication, I fucking hurt. My body hurts. Sober hurts. Stinking thinking hurts. Dry drinking hurts. The Serenity prayer helps. Being of service is the only real salvation. Ever. For anyone. Love is the answer. For all things, love is the answer. My sadness shows itself to you as anger. Mostly, I’m just sad. Today I am silent. Today I am thankful. Today I reflect. Being sober with Tamara is my most beautiful gift. Tamara is my most beautiful gift. I love you Tamara. My little brother is my most wanted gift, ever. I love you Shawn. My Mom is my greatest loss. I am my Fathers greatest loss. I love you just the same Dad. Even when it hurts the most, I love the most. I always have. What isolates me from you brings me closer to me. I am five today. I stopped believing that I could drink just one. I stopped lying to myself. I wanted what you had and so I went out and I got it for myself. I miss my Mom today. I wish my Mom could be here to see me now. I am here to share what I have with you. Sometimes it hurts too deep to bridge the gap. Scapegoating is not for me. Sober is the new strong. Strong is the new humble. Humble is. I am. You are. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

    Today I thank God for the courage, especially on the days I feel so weak. Because of my sobriety, I am coming to know serenity and I am so thankful. The work for me is in the wisdom to know the difference. And so, on bended knees I pray:

    Dear God,

    Thank you for helping me to keep coming back. Thank you for sending me someone to help me to find my way in the blinding storm. A storm that I had no fucking idea that I was in. Blinded. Thank you for Tamara. For every lesson, turned blessing and for every “no” that led me to a “yes”…for every ending that became a beautiful beginning…I am so thankful. Today, I thank God for reminding me of who I am under the shroud of who I was made to believe I was. To each and every one of you who loves and believes in me…thank you. Blessed and so thankful for the crack where the light enters me. Thank you my soul brother Rumi for illuminating my path. And so it is. Amen.

    I celebrate each of us today. My five years and your five minutes…your fifteen years and her 31 years. Your desire chip and my hand outstretched before you. I am here and I love you. Have a beautiful day today!