Good morning everyone and happy Saturday! Thank you to everyone who began following my blog yesterday. I feel much better pulling it from Facebook, as I am a little overwhelmed by all of the negativity and hate as of late. I was starting to absorb all of that shit and I was becoming reactive and intolerant myself. I apologize for that and I think pulling myself out of it a bit will help. I am so glad you are here! I really am. We try to find some solace here, don’t we? Some peace and some love…somewhere to belong and someplace we can all come anytime we like. This healing room is ours and we can be ourselves here. Thank you for being here with me this morning! I love you!
When I am facing my most difficult challenges, my most personal challenges…I tend not to write about them right away. I am in such a situation right now. I ask for your love and your prayers that I may hold my tongue and make sure that when I do speak that my words pass all three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
And so I pray…please pray with me if you are so inclined:
Dear God and brother Rumi, this morning I pray for peace and surrender in my heart for that which has come to be and for all that will come to be. I pray that I may hold loving space and that I honor the highest good of everyone involved, including myself. I pray for peace. I pray for acceptance enough to let go of expectations. I pray for peace. I pray that I may be love and be loved. I release my need to be right. As Tamara says, being right makes someone you love wrong. Please shower me with your grace and mercy that I may just be. Lord hear my prayer. And so it is. Amen.
Thank you. I am trying not to try so hard to sort it all out. The struggle is real though and I am in my fucking head a lot more than I wish to be. Always in my head. Always in my past and in my future and wanting to be right here, right now. I know the spinning starts in my head and not in my heart. PTSD is just my mind fucking with me over and over and over again. The severity of the attack is like the volume control button and sometimes, I blow my fucking speakers, before I can begin to dial it down. The spinning is nauseating…truly sickening and I cannot steady myself. The double-headed serpent is a mother fucking bitch to walk around with. Clashing and thrashing and gnashing and clawing in fight or flight, until complete exhaustion drops me to my knees again. And so I begin to pray again. The struggle is real.
Let’s talk about you though, shall we? How are you? I know that many of you are struggling too. The darkness is heavy around us, isn’t it? We are in uncharted territory and in unsure times. We are running scared and spinning out, aren’t we? We all have PTSD of our own, in my opinion. The severity ranges and The diagnoses vary. The causes are a sea of many horrors that we have trouble treading water in, no matter who we are. We all go somewhere and can’t find our way back sometimes. We all shut out that which we cannot hear or see or know, until we make a choice to see and to hear and to know something different. We are not locked out my friends. We are locked inside. The door opens only from the inside. We are held captive in our own prisons, at our own hands, and we have the fucking key. Only we have the key to truly get ourselves out. Only we, when we are ready, will be able to free us from the bondage of our pasts. I have heard this and I have known this to be true. This morning though, I am going to open that fucking door and get the fuck up out of here! Prison break! Do you want to join me? We could devise a plan…”the best laid plans of mice and men”…nah. We could….how about we just fucking do it? Who is with me? Let’s just grab hold of that knob and let us open the doors that imprison us. You will notice that the knob does not even have a keyhole in many cases. In other cases, you will see that the key in your hand fits right into the keyhole, that unlocks your door. We are held captive by ourselves…by our own minds. We must change the way we look at things and the things we look at will begin to change. Just ask Dr. Wayne Dyer. God rest his beautiful soul! Hi Wayne! I love you!
The door opens only ever form the inside. This news is not news at all. It is old news and we already know it. We have always known it and yet we have never known it at all. Today, let us learn, for the first time, that we are in control of nothing, that our doors are not locked and that we are not defeated. In this darkness that overtakes us, we are the light. Put your hand on your heart and feel it beating. You are the light. We must stop searching for light and love and healing outside of ourselves. We are the light. We are love. We are capable of much of our own healing. We must open the door and we must cross the threshold into the unknown, so that we will know the light. Light that we haven’t found in our darkness is on the other side of the door that holds us captive in the dark. We have become accustomed to the illusion of safety in the dark. We are where the light enters us. We are the light. We hold the key. Isn’t this wonderful news! We are the light!
Many of us, myself included, have lost our way. Many of us have been stuck and paralyzed by the horrors of our past. This morning, with my hand on the knob, and my heart throbbing out of my chest in anticipation, open the door from the inside. Thank you Rumi for the inspiration and words for this post. My brother you lit me up! Thank you. I carry the torch and I’m coming around for you. If your torch needs some help to reignite your flame, just place it outstretched before you and I will be by to light you up!
A hug from a year ago…a smile from yesterday…love from my girl this morning…setting down my expectations…feeling myself softening…opening…growing, ebbing and flowing…loving you so fucking much…this is my good morning. This is our good morning. We don’t need to make a list, we just need to fucking do it. So torches out everyone, let’s go ignite our world with love and light and peace this morning! Be the change. Be the love. That’s where I’m off to this morning! Will you join me? Let’s light it up, shall we?
The darkness in our lives will persist until we accept that we are the light. As long as we wait for someone else to do it, it will never get done. We are here to love each other home. Let’s get loving!
Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!