Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

This morning I write for my dear friend Taffy, who’s needs all of our love…

Good morning everyone! Please welcome my good buddy Taffy to the healing room this morning! Taffy is 14 years old and as you can see, he struggles with some physical ailments. Taffy just turned 14 on Thursday, February 14th. Taffy’s body struggles and yet his spirit soars! Taffy needs assistance for the body that carries his huge spirit and his enormous soul around. Taffy is love and today, I am asking you to send every last bit of love you have to our boy Taffy, his sister Lily and his Mom Nicole and his Father, Rod. This morning, they need us to lift them up and to hold them close. The struggle is real for Taffy and the struggle is just as real for his mom and dad who are carrying him through this storm. Lily, well, her highest self is all about Taffy’s highest good. Her “in body self” though…she is used to Taffy giving her hell, and he isn’t, because he can’t and so please send her all of your good juju this morning to love her bobo through this difficult journey.

We all have that special someone and Victor, well he sure was someone special. Just ask Rod or Nicole about Victor! Victor was the first angel that came down when I called for Taffy’s tribe to surround him. Victor pushes Taffy’s little ass right back across the rainbow bridge that he was trying to cross too soon, back to us, for a bit longer. Victor inhabits Taffy’s little body now much of the time, to help him keep wheeling himself along. Last night, just like I held little Aiden for twelve days, in recliners and felonious hands…in abandoned cars and sickness…I held Taffy. Taffy will not leave my arms, and I ask you to give all the love you mustered up for Aiden and his family for Taffy and his family now. As Taffy and I journey, as Morgan and Marne and I still journey, I ask each of you to lift us up. With all you’ve got this morning, please lift us all up in your love and healing light that we may love Taffy and his family to the brim and overflowing!

I have never really been able to explain my work. I realize as I write this morning that is because it needs no explanation. My work is my work and when it is done, it is forgotten. I once birthed a baby rhinoceros in the Serengeti. I still swim with Morgan and her calf Marne in Tenerife. I am always right next to Aiden and I go to see him every chance I get.

Aiden asks for your love for his buddy Taffy this morning. I never laid hands or eyes on Aiden until Aiden finally came home. My eyes, in my work, they are not what gives me the vision I need to do my work. My heart and my divinity…my love and my desire to spread God’s love and healing…my knowing and my acceptance that I am here to love us all home…that is one tool I use daily…and she has never once failed me. As I walk out of fear and into love, I thank Aiden and Taffy and Teddy and Alice and Penn…Gypsy and Hannah…Michael and Jackson and Sid…Rio and countless other clients who have walked me home. My interaction with these clients has inspired a shift for me in my work. This shift is to return to the Serengeti, where I did not give one fuck what people would think if I relayed my experience, of birthing a baby rhinoceros so that she could live, while her mommy died birthing her. I brought her in and I carried her mom out. When the time came, I picked up my own mother in my loving arms and I carried her home. That is who I am and that is how I do it. Actually, to be honest, I don’t do it. God uses me as a vessel to do what he cannot do without hands. I am merely an instrument used by the master himself, and I am so thankful, grateful and blessed. Thank you God, for choosing me to love your beautiful babies. Love is a verb and I am learning how to love as I am loved.

Taffy might have a day left. Taffy might have a week or a month or years left. We have no way of knowing, until we know. Taffy told me yesterday, as I gazed into his mother’s beautiful, sparkling and “Sherry blue” eyes, filled with tears, that until his soul leaves his eyes, he is all in. My mom opened her beautiful, sparkling blue eyes one last time, before the last time she opened her eyes…and the last time, her eyes were gray…for her soul had left the building. Taffy reminds us all that our eyes are the window to our soul. When that light goes out, the soul soars free and we bust out of the bodies that contained us and can no longer carry us. I saw my mom yesterday, in Nicole’s eyes and I saw little Aiden in Taffy. I see you in me and me in you. As we walk each other home, sometimes we all need a little lift. Today, with all of my heart, I ask you to lift Taffy and his family up and that you love them with all you’ve got!

I hope you all have a beautiful Saturday and I ask you to please say with me, “We love you Taffy! We have got you in our loving arms! Let’s keep rolling big guy!”

A brief update on my medical situation and a pause…

Good morning everyone. Thank you for all of the love yesterday. Here is a brief update on my medical situation for those interested. I had my pelvic injections yesterday morning and I spoke with my OBGYN about how they seem to not be working very well for me. I have done every treatment with less than 24 hours of relief following the injections. We have done injections and dual pudenal blocks, to no avail. Typically, women get about three weeks of relief. Again this morning, the relief has worn off for me, and so we find a different strategy. We are looking at spinal injections next and so ask for your love as we find what works for me. I am in deep tissue massage and acupuncture therapy twice a week for the clenching, which sciatica is largely responsible for, at this point. All in all, I feel very good and very positive about my healing. I am so thankful for my doctor and for everyone on her team and for our ability to overcome the adversity in the beginning, to have arrived in the beautiful space we are in now. I am so grateful for all of my therapists and for each person who has referred me and who has laid hands and hearts on me to get me well. Thank you for every prayer and for all of the love you have surrounded me in. I feel you and I love you and I thank you. We will just keep keeping on until we find what works. And so it is.

I have been pretty quiet as of late. My world got rocked all over the fucking place and I had to just set it all down. I will not go into detail because it really matters not. I will just say that I was recently hit harder than I have ever been hit by someone whom I never thought would harm me. I knew not what to do or say and all I have been able to feel is my heart breaking over and over and over again. The lies and the deception…the loss and the delusions of grandeur…fools gold and deception of epic proportions landed at my feet and I dropped to the ground in agony and disbelief. I have been down there, on my knees, in agony. I have seen what I came to see and I have done all that I can do. And so without further hesitation, I raise from my knees to my feet and I dust myself off and I begin the journey that I came here for in the first place. I begin the journey of Coral…and I could not be more excited, as I get to decide where we are going and to whom we allow inside of our sacred space. Many of you have shared sacred space with me and I thank you. Many of you have left sacred space with me and I thank you. I return from whence I came, to my true nature. As I shed what no longer serves me, I don a new cloak and I open my heart once more, to those who come in love and light and peace. To all others, the door is closed and you may continue walking past me. I shower you with love and light and blessings as you pass and I thank you for not darkening my door. My door, always open to everyone, is temporarily closed in mourning, and in acknowledgment of a time gone from me. My door is closed so that I may rest and rejuvenate and heal. For I cannot begin to save anyone from anything until I first learn to save myself. I cannot love you as I want to love you, until I dive within and love me the most first. And I will never be able to love or want enough for you, what you do not want for you. You also, must love you the most first. I take my hands off of all things that my hands do not belong on. I take my heart back. I take a pause for me, to do what I must do, before I rise from these ashes, for once and for all. I have come to let you know that I have come to let you go; if you are not here to love me. Love is a verb. Love feels like something is happening, not like the ricochet of empty and void places and hollow words. Love fills us up and does not deplete us. I turn inward to find this love so that I may turn outward and share it with all of you. And so it is.

As my boundaries become visible and I begin to honor them, I welcome myself home. I welcome us all home, for we have stayed too long in someone else’s story, haven’t we? We each have our own story to write and to tell and to live and to dream. We each have our own wants and our own desires and our own dreams. We truly do know what is best for ourselves, don’t we? I will always do my best to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves…the animals and the children at our mercy…I will always speak for them. I invite you to do the same. We must not be silent about the things that really matter. We must not wait for someone else to do something. We are someone and we must speak and act on the behalf of those who cannot. When our voices fall on deaf ears and our hearts shatter for someone else’s breaking for the last time, we will be headed home. Take my hand and hold my heart one last time for now , and let us all take some time behind our own doors. Let us heal our own hearts and lick our own wounds, that we may stop projecting onto each other our dysfunction and our unconsciousness. Let us set it all down and sort it all out so that we can leave what no longer serves us, to lighten our loads and to open our heartstrings the new day dawning before us.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

You are writing your own story. Make it a good one!

Good morning beautiful people! Happy Friday and what a day to make a different choice, wouldn’t you agree?

I went to bed with my body blessed by angels once again and I am so, so thankful! I went to bed next to the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world…my truest and dearest friend and my best confidant…my soulmate and my lover…the co-founder of a dream that we are building together…my anchor and my rock…and I am blessed beyond measure! I had a day full of the most beautiful and grateful clients, who pay me well and love me well and I am open and ready for some more clients like that please! I had a beautiful morning working with my colleagues, for the healing of one of our very own, and I am blessed beyond measure to be amongst such prestigious colleagues, who know and trust my work, to have me place my hands and my energy upon their best friends. I will always value and invite time like this, to give back to those who refer and share me with you, so that I can help you too and pay my bills. To everyone who loves me like a verb…thank you, and I am an open invitation for some more love like that please! My little brother and my sister checked in on me, as we have been most recently doing for one another and I will definitely have some more of that please! I had weekly tea with my very best friend, Sigrid, and I will always welcome more time and love and space and honesty and friendship, like a verb, like that, in my life! Coral and Sigrid tea time is nourishment and fuel for my soul on this journey and I am blessed! To all of these endeavors, I drove in the FJ Cruiser that I love and cherish so much, as Jesus takes the wheel, and my musical medicine blasts through the speakers, of the piece of my mom and dad that I have left, and I am thankful! I feel my beautiful and radiant cousin, Regina, in and around all of the good and positive and wonderful memories of my past and with me always on this journey and I love you so much cousin! Always, in all ways, I have room for love like Regina…thank you and more…yes please! I arrived home safe and sound at our Sanctuary in the woods, surrounded by all of my best friends…for they love me from wherever they are, to wherever I am, always and without fail or prejudice, and I am home! My health is good and getting better every day, in every way. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And I am so thankful for my life and for those who share this journey with me. Every day begins and ends in gratitude. Every day I am better than I was yesterday. And so it is.

This is the version of how my day ended and began that I am choosing to share and to focus on. These are the parts of my day that I am pulling out to give thanks for. These moments are my focus henceforth. These are the people I choose to rejoice in and to be grateful for, as are they for me, life’s breath. Everyone and everything else, that does not serve my highest good, I release! I stand in love and for, love in all things. I believe in love and I believe in each of us. I believe, with all of my heart in the good things coming! Thank you, my brother, Nahko, for your love.

Love is an action word and I challenge each of to truly grasp this and to know this and to live this! Love in action will open up your life!! Love in words…well, we all know what that empty and often loveless love feels like, don’t we? Where there is void, to be love in action and you will fill the void. Love in action is not always easy, as it is an action, not an empty mouth full of empty promises and lies. Action, being in action and of service…very different from choosing the “right” words, wouldn’t you agree?

We all make a choice every time we open, or do not open our mouths. I am choosing to keep my mouth closed in situations where I have nothing kind to say. In this silence, I pray for peace for those whom I choose not to open my mouth to anymore. I choose to whom I speak and to whose calls I heed. I choose whose words I shall open myself up to. I give myself permission to leave when I am done. I give myself permission to choose the clients whom I can help and to charge accordingly for my time and my services. I ask the universe to bless us all that we be synced together for our highest goods. I pray that we all feel the value of the relationship we walk into together. I pray that we each be served and valued for our life’s work and our contributions accordingly. And so it is.

Have a beautiful Friday everyone! You are writing your own story today. What will you write? Let’s write a with all of our hearts, shall we?

Some food for thought this morning…

Good morning everyone! Thank you for being here with me this morning. I feel a little stuck this morning. The words are there and I’m not able to access them. The intention is there and the words are jumbled a bit. And so I pray for guidance that my words be only ever in our highest good.

There are many facets to Coral. Sam is a huge facet of Coral. My inner child work with Sam is rewarding and trying and humbling and sometimes difficult. Always worth it, and so fucking hard sometimes. Sam is Coral and Coral is Sam. Sam I am. Sam has been very present since October. The trauma and the pain and the disgust and disappointments…the Anniversary’s and the holidays. My ongoing traumatic medical situation and pelvic injections every month…the struggle has definitely and undoubtedly been real for me. Suicidal ideation has been a constant visitor and sobriety has been hard to hold onto…not in abstaining from drinking alcohol, but fuck if the stinking thinking hasn’t kicked me in my ass. Learning the unfathomable and learning to live with the shockwave that wrecked through me as a result of it. I have undoubtedly been a hot fucking mess. I have been gone from me. I have been gone from my life, from the Sanctuary, from you, quite possibly…and maybe from you too. Most of all though, I have been gone from me. I have been dead inside, simply because that is the only thing that kept me alive. Being dead kept my heart beating. Leaving my body allowed me to return to it and to stay here with you. These subconscious choices were not made by me, and yet on some level, I’ve not doubt that for my own growth that I picked a hard path. I come here to write, to get it all out…to love and to heal us all. I do my best. I fall short and I fuck up. I forget things and I miss things all together. I am a hot fucking mess stitched together with the very best of intentions. I can promise you that my intentions are pure and in love and light, always. My mouth though…ya sometimes, maybe because I’m human being, being human…maybe because I don’t know better…I say things that do not align with me. I have expectations, disguised as hopes and hurt parading around as anger. I am so disgusted by some things that I literally cannot occupy the same space. I don’t know what happened to cause this and yet I do know why…I can’t breathe in the toxicity of some and so I must take space. In my inability to cope in all of the hate and fear and rage that lunges itself at me, I guess it’s fair to say that I, at times, have become hateful and fearful and full of rage. In being so blatantly and violently abused, I too have been abusive. Having only been merely tolerated, I have become intolerant. In being oppressed or so long , I am busting the fuck out. In being wounded, I have thrown some daggers myself. I am flawed as fuck. I am wrong sometimes. I suck sometimes. In being left parentless for good orderly direction, I am hustling to learn all that I missed. I am re-learning and re-programming patterns that do not serve me. I am accepting the things I cannot change, as I accept I’ve no choice. I accept where I am in my life and how I got here. I own my shit to the best of my ability. I really do.

What has me all worked up and upset this morning is that I know that what is unsettling to me in you, is mirroring something in me. I really do get that. What I fail to understand is why I am so worked up over things that I really have not chosen to educate myself about. Why do I get so upset about bits and pieces of a whole that I’m not in the know about? My only answer is this…when I feel other beings being harmed or hurt, silenced and oppressed, abused and disregarded…thrown away and left dead or for dead and broken…I feel I must say something. I feel I must speak and raise awareness. I write and so I write with all of my heart. I love with all of my heart, without knowing or caring to know details…I just love. I am on fire and passionate about love. I have been denied love and I have denied love and so I am going out there to love all I can, while I can. Sometimes, in my passion, I forget to pause or I re-post someone else’s words on my pages. I forget to remember and so thankfully I was reminded this morning, that using other peoples words fails to account for me and my intention and my infliction. The words may express how I feel and yet they aren’t my words and they don’t hold my meaning.

I made a policy in my business and in my life a long time ago, to not discuss religion or politics. Early on I learned that not speaking about religion is pretty easy for me, although I am well versed in it. I will speak openly about my spirituality and my higher power, as it pertains to me and my work and my life experiences. Politics has never been something I like to discuss at all, with anyone. In my home growing up, political talk was always heated and I hated it. Controversial and angry…judgement riddled and irritating as fuck, was all of this rhetoric, and so I insisted that we agree to disagree and to shut the fuck up about it. I keep that policy for myself, for the most part.

Lately though, I have stepped out of bounds a bit. I have become reactive to the ignorance thrown at me. I have responded to, instead of walked away from, situations that triggered me. I have reacted instead of silenced myself until I could pass through all three gates…is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? I stand corrected. Truly, I have passionately gone forth in defense of the atrocities that plague us all, without much pause.

My politics are my business and I apologize if I’ve allowed my opinions to slip past my lips. I do not discuss politics. I do not post about politics. I do not endorse or make a statement about anyone, as I am not educated enough or passionate enough to do so. I just want to be clear henceforth that I have no interest in political conversation. I have mine and you have yours and we are each entitled to that. If I gave any impression otherwise, I assure you that I will be more mindful henceforth.

I love you right where you are at. I really, really do. I have no expectation. I just love you. I just wanted to clear that up, as a very dear friend called me yesterday about a post I put up on my business page. I cannot tell you what that call meant and how difficult it was and how beautiful it was, to be loved enough to be asked about this privately and lovingly. I was able to hear every single word and she was not wrong. It is because of the beautiful conversation I was gifted yesterday, that I am able to stand before you for all that I am not, just the same as I stand before you for all that I am. Thank you my beautiful friend for the call. Love is a verb and I thank you for loving me like a verb. To my girl, thank you for how you love me and see me. I love you more than I’ve words to tell you Tamara.

I hope you each have a beautiful and love-filled day. I love you.

Thank you for being here in the healing room with me!

Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday! I woke up early this morning and wanted to spend some time in prayer and meditation. I am so glad that I took that time. We needed that!

My prayer this morning was that of gratitude. I was showered with such amazing and beautiful and steadfast and true love yesterday. I was loved like a verb. I was loved through my tears. I was gracefully reminded that is why we are here. We are here to be with one another…to touch each other…to celebrate and love and break bread with one another. We are here to walk each other home. I want to thank each of you who walked hand and hand and arm and arm with me yesterday. All of your love…I feel it! All of your tears, I share them. All of your joy…I share that too.

Yesterday seemed to me, both a breaking and a tipping point. There was a death and a birth. There was a letting go and a moving forth. There was love. There was so much fucking love and I am so thankful.

I have this overwhelming desire for you to know that I love you. I really do. I feel your love for me and so, I hope you feel my love for you too. I really, really do. The healing room is that place and that is how we roll here. We love here. No matter who or what or why. We love in this room. To be in actual rooms with you, to be able to actually hug you…now that is fucking epic! To take the healing room and open it up so that we can really be together, in body together, that is what I am talking about! Every day we are here together and I am so, so grateful. Thank you for being here with me! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

We will float…

Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I am not going to lie…the struggle is real this morning. I held the tears below the lump in my throat all day yesterday. This morning I felt the dam breaking and I tried to hurry down the driveway before I collapsed in heart wrenching exhaustion. I was wailing. The tears were squirting out of my eyes…no longer falling down my cheeks. The dam fucking broke and I could not contain the pain. The dam broke and I could not, if my life had depended upon it, have stopped the flood of tears. I could not catch my breath and I had to medicate for a bit before I could even meditate. I felt it coming on like a fucking tsunami…I was about to fucking crack. I lit the fire and paced around a bit. Tears still shooting out and my hands shaking. I knew I would not let this take me down. I knew that I could pause and breathe and make a different choice. I will make a different choice. I prayed for the wisdom this morning in my meditation with Rumi to guide me. My prayer was answered. I know what I must do. My heart broke again. My shooting tears, gently fell down my cheeks. I sobbed. My hands could not contain the tears. I sobbed some more and let them go, dripping onto my shirt. These tears shall wash away that which no longer serves my highest good…that which no longer serves your highest good. These tears…my tears, for us all. I cry them after over forty years of holding them in. I have been crying non-stop since October of 2015. I have been crying inside since I was conceived of. I wash it away…all of it away, for all of us. This flood is our salvation. This flood shall wash us clean. We must not sit here any longer and drown. We must swim. We must swim until we float. We will float. In absolute tranquility and without any struggle, pain or fear…we will float. And so it is.

I am thankful beyond words for my medication. My PTSD cannot unfuck itself once I go spinning off of my axis like that. I am thankful that this morning, I had some warning before it hit. I am thankful I was able to get the spinning to stop before I couldn’t. I am so fucking thankful to Tamara for holding me up this morning, so that I would not hit the ground. Tamara is my rock. I am so thankful for you my girl, for loving and accepting me, as sick as I am and right where I am at. Thank you.

I get discouraged some days. I feel like I have terminal illnesses that no matter what I do, cannot be cured. I am an alcoholic. I will always be an alcoholic. I have C-PTSD and I will always have C-PTSD. Some days I really do get discouraged by that. Oh, and I got the call to schedule my pelvic injections and pudenal blocks for January. The clenching and the fucking pain…oh the fucking pain. Even in a fucking snow drift up past my knees, I can still feel this fucking pain. And fuck! Just fuck! How do we address that? With more pain. Good pain…and excruciating pain, none the less. Oh, and I find myself in this mother fucking trash bag by the curb again. Some days all of that really fucks with me pretty good. Some days it hurts me so badly that I cannot even open my eyes before the tears start. Today was one of those days. Up by 4:00am and trying to pull myself together by 8:00am to leave for work. And the struggle is fucking real, isn’t it?

So what do we do? Today, I will do my best to rise above it. Today I will be of service. So if you need me, please let me know. I will see how I can help. I will go to work because I know my gift is needed and my work is good. I will stand in my convictions and I will not go where I’m not loved like a verb. I will stand up for myself and my brothers and my sisters. I will write. I will love. I will have heavy doses of musical medicine. Nahko and SOJA are in my immediate future, to remedy this pain. I will love. I will love. I will love. And so it is.

I love you. Have a beautiful day!

We fucking love you Cherie!

Good morning everyone! We woke to a blanket of white snow on everything and 8 degrees outside! It’s beautiful and peaceful and quiet and serene. I am home here and I am so thankful. I belong here and I am grateful. I am at peace here. Even in my unrest, I am at peace here in these mountains, here with this woman, here with these sentient and beautiful and peaceful and healing beings. Everyone is still safely tucked inside their cozy beds awaiting the sun. I came down to write and to meditate. The pellet stove burns bright and the lights glisten off the snow. I sit to spend some time with you this morning. Wherever you are, I hope you are safe and warm and content. Thank you for praying with me yesterday. We will be praying together a lot, to heal us all. Until every single one of us is whole, not one of us will truly be whole. We must come to understand this…to know this and to be the love that tips the scales, not the hate that keeps us petrified, holds us hostage and stunts our evolution and our growth.

There is someone sleeping in our house right now whom epitomizes love. Love is an action word and this woman is in action…in selfless action…consistently and all of the time. Yesterday morning as Tamara and I were shoveling and snow blowing our way to everyone, this beautiful woman was preparing for a trip to our house, to help dig us out. With her permission, I to dedicate my blog today to our dear friend and sister, Cherie. Our beautiful angel…Cherie.

Our beautiful angel lives at least an hour from our home, on a good weather day. As I had mentioned, we have been under blizzard watch and the roads, though open, were treacherous. We had at least two feet of snow on the ground and it never stopped snowing yesterday. With many obligations of her own and with her snow shovel and her overnight bag in tow, she set out to brave the storm for us. We had no idea she was coming until she texted to let us know she was stuck and awaiting a tow.

I have spoken endlessly about love as a verb…love as an action word. When we love, we are moved into action. Love is why we are here in the first place.

It is now 4:30pm and everyone at Santuario is tucked in safe and warm. Our dear friend and sister Cherie is home safe and sound…cold as a popsicle and probably ready for a good nights sleep. Cherie left her own rescue and her own dogs and her own husband and their home to come and be of service to us. I cannot think of a more shining example of selfless than that, can you? We had a slumber party here at Santuario last night. We broke bread together and we talked to and listened to one another. We love you Cherie! Thank you for making time for what is important you. We are touched beyond words at your love in action. We are sorry for all of your troubles trying to reach us and we are glad you are home safe and sound with your babies tonight.

Thank you to our neighbors for giving Cherie a hand. You guys know who you are and you fucking rock! Thank you for stopping and taking the time to help a dear sister of ours in need. Tamara and I love you and are so thankful for the love up here in the hood! Truly. We have amazing fucking neighbors. We have amazing people in our lives and we just want to thank each and every one of you for how you see and love us. We love you all right back!

Back to Cherie…what a glorious human being…what a selfless example of love in action. Cherie, thank you for leaving all that you love and hold dear in life to come and help us. We love you. We thank you. We’ve got you too sister!

This evenings, I write for us all:

Some of us who feel the least loved are the most loving. Some of us who hurt the worst, help the most. Some of us who cry ourselves to sleep at night wake up every morning, just to make you smile. We go so far out of our way for others sometimes that we actually often forget our own way back. We love. We love fucking fierce. We regress. We begin again. We fall and we stand back up. We know you need us to stand back up and so we do. We hurt. We are love. We stand united and we know that we are not alone. We show up. We know why we are here and we are fucking in…we are all in…all the time…we are all in. We love. We forget that we deserve love to. We are learning who we are…how we feel and what we want. We will let you know what and how that is. We would appreciate like effort from you. We matter. We love. This is how we do it…those of us who walk this walk. We just fucking do it. We are all in. We are inspired and we are on fire. Our crowns have been fucked with and our sparkles have been dimmed…our dreams and lives shattered…our bodies wrecked and savagely beaten…and still, we will not back down. We stand up for you when you are right. We stand up to you when you are wrong. We care. We draw a line. This line is our boundary. We honor our boundaries and you will honor them too. We insist. We…who is we? We…you and I…him and her…them and us…we. I speak of each of us…of all of us. We are all the same. We are never individually whole until we are each whole. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

Thank you Cherie and everyone who loves us like a verb. We love you right back! I’m off to enjoy a cozy evening with my girl and our dogs. We miss them when we get so busy. Tonight we have family night and we count our blessings…and you are among them! Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

Thank you for this inspiring post this morning Diane! Sharing it with everyone else too! I hope you don’t mind!

Fuck cancer. We can all agree on that, right?

Good evening everyone! Thank you for all of the love and texts and calls and posts. I feel you and I thank you and I love you all right back.

To get out of the pain I was in when I woke, We made today about being of service…about being in action…about loving like a verb. Every call that came…we answered. Every need we could meet; we met.

I got a text from my best friend who asked me to shave for a dear friend of her family who is battling cancer. I just got done shaving and I will shave every week until he kicks cancers ass. I offer my strength by shaving my head, and so it is. On December 3rd 2018…I continue my fight against cancer. I invite you in my crusade to love one another like a verb. Fuck cancer. Please, everyone say it with me…”we love you Zach. You’ve got this and we’ve got you.”

I love you everyone. Good night.

We must go toward the love…(a message from Sherry and Coral)

Happy Sunday everyone! What a beautiful snow blanket we are covered in this morning! I love sitting cozy in front of the fire watching it snow and thinking of my Mom. I love living in the mountains, where I’ve always known would be my home and final resting place. I love being in love. As I learn what it means to be in love and how it feels to be in love…I love being in love more and more.

To be in love and I mean really in love, you have to bare your soul, don’t you? You have to bare witness to someone else’s soul too, don’t you? You have to really, really put yourself out there and to trust. You have to be naked in the fucking snow, so to speak, with icicles hanging off of you and you must trust that there is enough warmth within you to endure it. You have to be willing to do the hard work of loving first and risking not being loved in return. Sadly, this will happen to you. You will hurt and you will weep and you will want to not love anymore. And then you will love and someone will love you back and you will forget that you swore to never love again. Love scares the shit out of so many people. Love didn’t hurt us. Love never hurt us. Hurt people who didn’t know how to love us hurt us. Love did not hurt us. We, being hurt people ourselves, hurt people. Love did not do the damage that hurt people blame love for. Hurt people hurt people. (Lyric from one of my favorite songs…just escaped me which song and by whom…I apologize). We must know this so that we stopped blaming love and shying away from love. We must go toward the love. At all costs, we must go toward the love.

At the cemetery yesterday in bone chilling winds, my tears burned my face. The grass…the headstone…the whole fucking world was cold. My heart though…my heart was warm. As I drove off and pulled around to leave, there was a woman collapsed by a grave near my moms…sobbing and weeping and the shiver and tremor and pain ran through my very soul. My heart cracked and I sobbed for her. I sent her all of my love as I left her there to do what I have done so many times before…allow her to break and to pull herself back up in her time. I fucking loved that woman…right there…right then…I loved her through her enormous grief and I love her still and I do not even know her name. We do not have to know names and details that are none of our business anyway, do we? We do not. We can love another because we feel them so deeply that we cannot not know that we are them and they are us. Umbuntu. I am because you are. Do we not fall in love every day with pieces of our fractured selves that we cannot escape or heal…places that we don’t even recognize as our own when we see them in another? When I felt that woman sobbing on her knees on the very soil that I have soaked with my own tears so, so many times before…I did not need to know her name or for whom she cried. I only knew that I fucking loved her with all of my heart. We are here to love.

I woke this morning crying in my sleep, as the impending doom of December 3rd hit me in my heart center, my gut…my very fucking soul. Tomorrow at 12:06pm, three years ago…as I held my mothers hand, and she opened her eyes one last time, squeezed my hand and took her final breath…my Mom launched out of her body and soars above, around, within us all. I carried my mom home…just as my mom carried me in. My mom had a lifetime to look forward to in those tiny and yet unopened eyes and my time ran out as I placed my hands over her eyes and closed them one last time. Time does run out. We don’t do things because we don’t know how and so we just don’t. I can promise you this…I didn’t know how to lose my mom or how to follow that fucking hearse into those cemetery gates and to leave without her. I didn’t know how to do that and my mom wasn’t here to tell me how to do that and I did it. My mom left her body and then we had to leave her body there and what in the fuck is that?! Truly…who knows how to do that?! No one knows how to do that and so we do the best we can and we rely upon those who love us to help us to figure it out. That is love. Being in love is just that…being, in action…love…for someone…for yourself…be in love. You’ve only two choices…love or fear. We have been taught and programmed to fear…and yet we are love. I am. You are. We are love.

Sherry wants you to call your Mom…your Dad…your husband…your brother…your sister…your wife…your kids…your best friend…your grandparents…your neighbor…Sherry hates texting and she insists that you must call someone whom you say that you cannot live without. Not your husband in the next room. Give me a good honest reach here for someone that for whatever reason, you have been afraid to reach out to…afraid to call…call them now. My Mom and I are okay and we will always be okay. I’ve no regrets. Not a single one. My moms dying words to me, as were often her words in life to me, “Leave me alone.” And I did not leave her alone. Thank God that once again I did not listen to her!!! I did not leave her alone. I stayed by her side and I loved her home. You can do that too you know…what you want…what you need…you can do that too. If you want to call your mom…call her. If you are afraid to make that call, definitely make that call. I promise you that if you don’t make that call, you will run out of time to make that call and then you will wish you had made the fucking call. Your time will run out and your wishing you had done it will be for you to deal with in your grief. Don’t do that to you. Trust me…make the call. Hear her voice. Tell her thank you. Tell her you love her. One day there will be a phone with her number still in it that no longer connects to her. Her voice will begin to fade from your mind…your texts will have been lost in phone upgrades and you will be on your fucking knees wishing you could just talk to her one last time. I can’t. You can. Do me a favor and call her, okay?

I love you Jacob.

Good morning everyone and happy Saturday. I have been writing this blog post in my head for days. Scattered and unorganized with thoughts that don’t seem to string together, and yet I believe they do after all.

Driving home on 217 last night, in the dark, Tamara and I saw I light flickering and flashing and then a dark figure stumbling into the road. We turned around and went back and that is where we met Jacob. I haven’t stopped thinking about him since and I believe he would probably be dead had we or someone not turned back. We are someone you know? Each of us is someone. Jacob is someone. Someone saw someone struggling and someone stopped to help.

Jacob was grotesquely intoxicated and stumbling and falling. Apparently he had fallen in the culvert and just gotten back up when we saw his flashing light. The light was dancing and crashing around, at the end of his unsteady arm. We spied it in a single second…a second that changed the course of Jacobs life…of my life and of Tamaras life. Jacobs story is not mine to tell and I don’t know his story, so I can only speak to my own heart and the night I was Jacob.

This story still hurts me. Asked to marry her in a drunken stupor doing Jager bombs on the patio of a bar somewhere…I said yes. Our relationship reflected the dysfunction that we didn’t even know we were in. Sigrid was with me that night and she wept when I said yes. I later found out why…I was just about to hurt in ways I had not yet imagined. Anyway, one night, My wife had decided not to come home again and I went out with a friend for dinner and some drinks. I was the bar manager downtown at Maloney’s Tavern and we stopped in for some drinks after we ate. Some drinks became more drinks and then shots and I was taking my friends shots for her. At some point, I wandered off and never returned to the patio where we were sitting. Dialing my wife to help me, and no answer for hours. Drunk dialing and getting no answer, I just kept walking, trying to get home. I ended up on the flyover at I-40, looking down at the blurry lights of the cars speeding under me, past me, at me. I kept falling and hitting my face on the guardrail. I finally ended up at Broadway and my wife finally answered at about 4:30 am and came for me. Drunk with her clothes inside out and cum on the corners of her lips and face, she came screeching around the corner in her rental car. I had ruined her fucking evening…literally and she was not pleased. We got home and she locked herself in the guest bedroom and I passed out on our bed. The next morning, I woke up with the worst pounding and unrelenting headache. I made it to the bathroom and began pulling the rocks and grass burrs from my face and the dirt from my teeth. Lots of dried blood and so much pounding in my head…so much pounding.

I was Jacob. I was fucked up over a fight with a girl who didn’t fucking love me anyway. As it turns out, my girl became pregnant during those nights of never coming home, clothes insideout from her nights of fucking. And Coral was a destroyed and hot fucking mess for months and months. My wife left me only moments before I left myself also. Like Jacob, I did not give one fuck if a car did hit me. In fact, I remember praying to God that a car not hit me, but rather a huge semi truck, smash me into bits and end it all for me.

Jacob and I staggered and tumbled and plummeted down the hill into a tree together. Jacob gripped my arm for dear life, as though it was all that remained in this world for him to hold on to. I pulled him up with the help of the tree we just assaulted and I just held him steady close to me. Jacob, like me so long ago, was drawn to the lights. I pulled him back and he begged for both me to hold him safe and to just let him go. Tamara was on the phone and the police and EMS began to arrive. Jacob saw his life fleeting away in those moments, as the questions began and the lights closed in around us. Standing behind him, I shifted all of my love and heart energy to Jacob and I’ve not redirected it since. I am going to ask each of you to do the same now, and to love Jacob through this. We really and literally are just walking each other home.  I don’t know Jacob or his story and yet I am Jacob and his story is my story also.

Jacob didn’t know me and he didn’t know my story. I did get the vote of approval that lesbians are cool with him and so we made monumental progress in that moment, as maybe lesbians aren’t usually cool with him. Maybe his girl was at home fucking a lesbian and that’s why he ended up as he was last night? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. When you are loving someone with all you have, those labels and all of the venom that they held a moment ago just seem to vanish into thin air.

Love is a verb people…it really, really is. I fucking love Jacob. Tamara loves Jacob. Two girls loved Jacob when it mattered the most, as he was stumbling in the dark into a road that was about to take his life. Jacobs little light…he let it shine. “Darkness cannot drive away darkness. Only light can do that.”

All of my love to Jacob today, wherever he may be. Waking up this morning to whatever demons he has waiting, I step in and soften the blow for him, with allof my love and thanks that he is here with us this morning. I ask each of you to pause for a moment this morning and to say it with me…”I love you Jacob.” And so it is.

Happy Saturday everyone. Go out and be the love that changes the world today. You really are that powerful. Just ask Jacob. I love you! Have a beautiful day!