Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Did I mention that I am home?

Happy Wednesday everyone! Did I mention that I am home?!

I have been away and with some amazing clients, at the home of some of our very dearest friends. I am always so at home there and so welcome there and so loved there. Even when they are away, they love me. They leave me the best vegan goodies! They leave fresh linens and fill the refrigerator of my favorite things! Best clients ever at loving me like a verb. My mom got sick and they flexed so I wouldn’t lose my pay. My mom died and they were at the mortuary for the viewing, the day that my very soul cracked. Every single moment since, and every bottom that fell out, they have loved me so, so much…like a verb, always, in all ways. Janet and William have become our close and dearest friends, our family actually…our chosen family. Being in their home is home also. Home is where you are safe and loved and always welcome. Home is a place prepared. Thank you William and Janet, Teddy, Alice and Penn for being so fucking amazing! Thank you for your love. Thank you for inviting me into your sacred space to love the ones whom you love more than anyone else; while you are away. Thank you for all of your love, like a verb, for your friendship and for believing in me and my work so, so much that we helped to bring Aiden home…and we walked Gypsy and Hannah home and we walk home together. I love you and appreciate you and thank you so much for being such a part of me!

Being away from our home is the best reminder of how blessed I am to have our home to come to. Being away from Tamara is the hardest part of anything I ever do. Seeing her before I fall asleep and watching her wake up…morning coffee and “light” conversation, as I’m learning (Thank you baby) are the best part of waking up….(you know you did it too…”is Folger’s in my cup…”). Seriously though…being away from her always brings me back to her…closer and more sacred…more beautiful and true…more real and honest…more raw and open. I am thankful I feel this way about the most amazing woman in the world! I love you Tamara. Thank you for taking care of everyone while I was away. I know you have been double-timing it for me for a while now. I thank you. I love you. I’m coming home baby! I’m coming home!

Spooning with Rocky and hugging Baby Taos…playing “shake your po po” with Aliah…nestling in Nahko Bear and Mala Bears fur and having Prajna sleep at my heart all night…watching Karma Kitty sleep in front of the fire…because I missed them so, so much. Taking Rocky’s face in my hands this morning and holding him close to me, I realized I missed them all for more than a few days…I miss them all for the time that I have been gone from me. I have seen them and touched them and been so unable to reach them since my Mom got sick. My bottom fell out and I just could not come back up. My bottom had more bottoms and the last bottom to fall out, I sank even lower than my first, and I just could not come back up. Hondo stood before me yesterday and I was with him, and I and so thankful to be back home!

Being away from home, and coming home, almost for the first time since my mom passed away, I got my head above water once again. I am breathing once again. I am home, once again. I haven’t had a breath since my last bottom fell out, when the man I trusted more than anyone, showed himself to be a liar. I finally took a breath, as I pulled into our driveway. Coming home yesterday morning, as the sun began to rise before me, with snow falling all around me, with Tamara’s voice on surround sound in my beautiful FJ, I thanked God for his mercy and for his grace, I shifted up a couple of gears, to get home to my girl. The snow fell softly. Pink blared through the speakers and I sang along, with my little big brother Jamie riding shotgun, queen amongst queens, with all of his heart singing louder than myself…I smiled a huge smile. I began to become myself again, to like myself and love myself again. “What About Us”…we are us! AND we are the best fucking part of us! All of us…we are the best part of us.

My world has been shaken and my PTSD has had her way with me for the last three years. Every time I get back up, I get knocked for a mother fucking loop! I come crashing to the ground and I cannot know how it happened. I am done with this cycle. My last bottom has fallen out. I am done with the drama that spins this fucking circus. I am done with the gas lighting and the bullshit. I am done talking about and consuming myself with the pain that rocked my fucking world. I am moving forward. That’s it. I am done back there, wondering, wishing, hoping. It is what it is. It has always ever been what it is. Nothing changes what it is.

I am an artist and a writer and a mother fucking poet. I have always been these things. I am love. I am learning what that means, to be love, to be loved, like a verb. I am a gifted and very blessed “healer”, although my views on that are that I am not. My hands…me…my words…those flow through me. The healing does not come from Coral and it never has and never will. I am a vessel, a portal, a voice…for the healer himself/herself/yourself/myself to enter in and to do their work. I am so blessed and so grateful and so thankful to be able to be who I am. I am so fucking excited to begin to know who that is! Thank you for being here with me while I figure things out. I love you. Did I mention that I am home?!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

I came to say thank you and I love you…

Good morning everyone! I love you! I really do love you! For each of you who sees me, I thank you. For every reach, text, call…for all of the prayers and your amazing love, I am so grateful!

I have been missing from me for so long…for so, so long. I have lost my way. I have fallen and although I have gotten back up, I am still unsteady. I am sober and yet my mind and my thinking are not always so. I am done slaying the same fucking demons…my own demons…the ones that just will not fucking quit. I teeter on the edge….I really fucking do sometimes. I am a few steps back from that edge now and everything I do and all that I am is dedicated to staying back…way the fuck back, from the edge that beckons and calls me to come closer, with no way in or out when the darkness consumes me. With a moments clarity in the disaster, I have been in constant prayer and meditation, that my demons set me free. I set them down and they chase after me and I grow weary and I fall prey…they drag me back across the threshold of today; to yesterday. My presence slips away and I am way back there again, weeping at what I cannot wrap my mind around…stuck in an abyss that knows no end. Sometimes, for days, for weeks, months and years, 45 years, to be more exact, I have been in and out of this abyss. On this day though, I am fighting the good fight! On this day, unsteady as I go, I am fucking going! Holding back the tears that have had time enough to sink my eyes and distort and age my face, as I say another prayer.

I have been gone from home for the last week. Driving home this morning, hearing Tamara’s voice in surround sound through my speakers, I could not help but smile. I turned Pink all the way up and I sang along to a song I could have written myself…”What About Us”….my little big brother sent this to me last night because he heard it and thought of me. Thank you brother. I hear me in this too. Thank you for seeing me, like a verb. I love you!

I had a slumber party with a dear friend last night and coffee on the couch before I headed home to my girl and our family and our home. I have the dearest friends and I am so blessed…so truly, truly blessed.

So, when I forget to remember how good I really have it, I thank each of you for reminding me. When I cannot speak or reach for you, thank you for reaching for me and for loving me anyway. When I spin and cannot stop, thank you for being a soft landing while I orient myself to gravity once again. When I cannot see my beauty or my worth, thank you for reminding me and for telling me how much you love me. I save all of your texts and emails and I hold them forever in my heart, as your love sustains me when I just. cannot. I feel your love and it keeps me going and I thank you.

Tamara, I had to put most of yours in a card 😘 Thank you, with all that I am for loving me through all of this. Thank you for keeping me safe and for loving me no matter what, for never throwing me away and for being the one for me, for always, in all ways. I love you and I thank you for loving me so, so much.

And, it is now afternoon, and I am off to go and see my beautiful girl. Settled in and slipping into snow gear, we are off to the beauty all around us, as we make our way through the snow to those we love the most. Happy Tuesday everyone! I love you!

We love you Chase

Good morning everyone! Calling the angels down this morning, in all of their glory and in radiant light😎…calling all the angels!

We walk amongst the angels all day, every day. We are the angels amongst us. Without our light, where will they find the light in their darkness? Without our love, how will they ever shed their hate? Without our faith, how shall they make way to their own? Without voices, how will their cries be heard if we go silent?

My brother, you are here to be a voice for those who cannot speak, I am here to remind you that your silence is noticed. You are a mother fucking light in this darkness and I come to re-kindle your flame. I see your little flicker…struggling to stay a kindle and and so we come to light you back up.

Your pain and your rage and your despair have not fallen on deaf ears my brother. We hear your cries and we feel your anguish. Your hopelessness ignited my own passion to banish it from you! You are too fucking much to reduce yourself to so little because you feel you aren’t enough! You are perfect the way you are my brother. Your tears are running down my face brother. Your blood beats through my own heart. You’ve pointed a sword at my brother and I am here to take it from you. You have forgotten who you are and why you are here and I have come to remind you. Your sword, at your own throat? Who will you save with your throat slit at your own hand? Whose voice will you be if you cut your means to vocalize? My brother…my beautiful, beautiful brother, I have come for your sword. For if you point it at yourself, you point it at me also.

So many…so, so many sentient beings, with no voice at all need you. I need you. I love you. I believe in you. I am right here. I know you can’t reach for me now. I feel that. It’s okay…because we all come to you. We come for you my brother, as you have come for them, to remind you that you are loved, you are wanted. You are someone, not something. You matter and they fucking need you to be well. We don’t want you to fucking die my friend. We don’t want YOU to give up. Your cry for help had been heard. Angels from all realms surround you and hold you close. The animals across the rainbow bridge aren’t ready to see you just yet. They asked me to remind you that their friends here need YOU brother.

You have a choice that only you can make. I just came because the animals asked me to, to tell you that they love you and they miss you and they feel you. They wanted you to consider them in your choice. Without you and your voice…without your passion and your dedication to them, many more will die.

I love you brother. I love you so much. We all love you so much. Tamara loves you so much. We just wanted you to know. We are a phone call away and we have heard your cries. You are in our hearts and we hold you until you can hold yourself.

I ask each of you to lift my brother up in prayer this morning. My brother needs our love. He lives in his car in Berkeley, California and he lives and breathes for the animals. Could we all stop what we are doing and take a breath for Chase. With me and with all of your heart, please say it with me, “I love you Chase.” We need you buddy. They need you.

This picture and his name are used without his permission, as he is not able to reach back right now. Please forgive me brother…I’m going to post anyway, trusting my intuition, that your heart needs our love now, more than you will give a fuck about that. I will remove the post if you want me to. Otherwise, I really need you guys to look in to this guys eyes and his heart and give him all you’ve got this morning. We love you Chase. We fucking love you brother.

This morning I write for my dear friend Taffy, who’s needs all of our love…

Good morning everyone! Please welcome my good buddy Taffy to the healing room this morning! Taffy is 14 years old and as you can see, he struggles with some physical ailments. Taffy just turned 14 on Thursday, February 14th. Taffy’s body struggles and yet his spirit soars! Taffy needs assistance for the body that carries his huge spirit and his enormous soul around. Taffy is love and today, I am asking you to send every last bit of love you have to our boy Taffy, his sister Lily and his Mom Nicole and his Father, Rod. This morning, they need us to lift them up and to hold them close. The struggle is real for Taffy and the struggle is just as real for his mom and dad who are carrying him through this storm. Lily, well, her highest self is all about Taffy’s highest good. Her “in body self” though…she is used to Taffy giving her hell, and he isn’t, because he can’t and so please send her all of your good juju this morning to love her bobo through this difficult journey.

We all have that special someone and Victor, well he sure was someone special. Just ask Rod or Nicole about Victor! Victor was the first angel that came down when I called for Taffy’s tribe to surround him. Victor pushes Taffy’s little ass right back across the rainbow bridge that he was trying to cross too soon, back to us, for a bit longer. Victor inhabits Taffy’s little body now much of the time, to help him keep wheeling himself along. Last night, just like I held little Aiden for twelve days, in recliners and felonious hands…in abandoned cars and sickness…I held Taffy. Taffy will not leave my arms, and I ask you to give all the love you mustered up for Aiden and his family for Taffy and his family now. As Taffy and I journey, as Morgan and Marne and I still journey, I ask each of you to lift us up. With all you’ve got this morning, please lift us all up in your love and healing light that we may love Taffy and his family to the brim and overflowing!

I have never really been able to explain my work. I realize as I write this morning that is because it needs no explanation. My work is my work and when it is done, it is forgotten. I once birthed a baby rhinoceros in the Serengeti. I still swim with Morgan and her calf Marne in Tenerife. I am always right next to Aiden and I go to see him every chance I get.

Aiden asks for your love for his buddy Taffy this morning. I never laid hands or eyes on Aiden until Aiden finally came home. My eyes, in my work, they are not what gives me the vision I need to do my work. My heart and my divinity…my love and my desire to spread God’s love and healing…my knowing and my acceptance that I am here to love us all home…that is one tool I use daily…and she has never once failed me. As I walk out of fear and into love, I thank Aiden and Taffy and Teddy and Alice and Penn…Gypsy and Hannah…Michael and Jackson and Sid…Rio and countless other clients who have walked me home. My interaction with these clients has inspired a shift for me in my work. This shift is to return to the Serengeti, where I did not give one fuck what people would think if I relayed my experience, of birthing a baby rhinoceros so that she could live, while her mommy died birthing her. I brought her in and I carried her mom out. When the time came, I picked up my own mother in my loving arms and I carried her home. That is who I am and that is how I do it. Actually, to be honest, I don’t do it. God uses me as a vessel to do what he cannot do without hands. I am merely an instrument used by the master himself, and I am so thankful, grateful and blessed. Thank you God, for choosing me to love your beautiful babies. Love is a verb and I am learning how to love as I am loved.

Taffy might have a day left. Taffy might have a week or a month or years left. We have no way of knowing, until we know. Taffy told me yesterday, as I gazed into his mother’s beautiful, sparkling and “Sherry blue” eyes, filled with tears, that until his soul leaves his eyes, he is all in. My mom opened her beautiful, sparkling blue eyes one last time, before the last time she opened her eyes…and the last time, her eyes were gray…for her soul had left the building. Taffy reminds us all that our eyes are the window to our soul. When that light goes out, the soul soars free and we bust out of the bodies that contained us and can no longer carry us. I saw my mom yesterday, in Nicole’s eyes and I saw little Aiden in Taffy. I see you in me and me in you. As we walk each other home, sometimes we all need a little lift. Today, with all of my heart, I ask you to lift Taffy and his family up and that you love them with all you’ve got!

I hope you all have a beautiful Saturday and I ask you to please say with me, “We love you Taffy! We have got you in our loving arms! Let’s keep rolling big guy!”

Thank you for bringing color to my world…

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you had a beautiful day of love yesterday! I had a beautiful day of love and I feel so, so blessed.

I won’t lie, there was a sting yesterday…an emptiness of things gone before. A void where my Mom and Dad once were…a sadness that could not be consoled. I sat silently all evening, gazing off into the nothingness…bringing my mind back in from wandering through times behind me, as much as possible. Thinking of Valentines Days gone from me, I began again yesterday, to make this day my day of love. All of my love and gratitude for those who loved me so much, those whom are gone from me now. To my Mom in heaven, Happy Valentines Day Mom. I missed your strawberry cake and your cream puffs…your velvet heart box of chocolate candy and your beautiful red roses and glittery card. I miss you mom. I love you.

I cannot not feel as I’m feeling. I am doing my best to just sit with it and let it have its way with me until it passes. I am trying not to ask why and I am trying not to hurt. The truth is, I do hurt. I hurt so fucking bad that I can barely breathe. I hurt so deeply that I am paralyzed sometimes, and all I can muster the strength to do is to sit and stare into the nothingness. Wipe the tears from my cheeks and release the lump in my throat, and let it pass. I do this all of the time, to acknowledge the pain and to give it its space and then to set it free.

I could never have known how things would come to be. Nothing could have prepared me for the lies and the deception…the horror that rocked my life…the horror that embodied my life and held me in its grip for so long. I could never have heard the words, still unuttered, even as they ricochet through my mind and annihilate my very troubled soul. On Valentine’s Day, in the midst of amazing love, I just could not let go of the absence of love that brought me here. The candy heart conversations have ceased and the chocolate has all been eaten…the roses have wilted away and died…the cards stopped coming and the time is behind us. A life cut short too soon, to ever have the conversation I have always needed the most. Inside of me there is the conversation I will never have, with a person who is gone, about what in the fuck happened to me and my life. Yesterday, the reality hit me like a ton of little candy hearts…it is finished. It is all finished. There is nothing I can do. There is absolutely nothing I can do with all I have come to know. I’ve been carrying all of these bits and pieces around with me, praying they will somehow come together. These jagged little pieces will never come together, for they are not my pieces, and they never fucking were my pieces. I have been cutting myself on the shards of someone else. I have been left bleeding and scarred horribly by someone else’s transgressions. As I wade through the bullshit and the rhetoric, I begin to see the light of my new day. As my eyes open and I come to know the truth, my eyes fill up with tears and my heart starts to break in two…I shut it down. I think enough has been taken from me already. Enough love…enough time…enough of me…enough of being too much and of not being enough…enough of being an empty and hollow little valentine. Running along with Cupid, shooting my little Cupid bow and arrow..rallying up the love of the masses, with my lifeless and loveless and broken little heart. Enough! Enough! Enough!

I have based who I am upon where I came from. I have defined myself by the life that I was born into and to the ides of those who brought me here. I have adapted their stories and paid their debts…I have survived the unsurvivable. All of this, to be with all of you right now. Had one moment been different…had one horror not have happened, I would not be with you this morning. And so, for all of it…every single bit of it, this morning I bow and give thanks. I am so grateful for everyone and everything in my life, for it has brought me home to you.

I rise and I fall. I ebb and I flow. I try and I come up short. I hit and I miss. I wake up again and I give it all I’ve got to give. I am here for a purpose and I intend to fulfill my dharma. I will live my life from a new plateau now…from a heightened space where I can see and know the world around me. No longer lost in the crowd, I have become the stage. Let us all stand up here together and love this world back to good again.

Your past…no matter who you are, myself especially, is your past. It is behind you for a reason. Your parents, like my parents…they are just people. Flawed and fucked up and dysfunctional as all get out. Your nightmares are my own and the horror…I survived it too. The flashbacks and the blackouts…the PTSD and the trauma…yep, we share that also. And guess what, we fucking earned it! We earned our stripes, didn’t we, you and I? So why do we try so hard to hide our stripes? Why do we hide the very best of who we are behind the veils and the evils of those who refused to do their own fucking work? Why are we not shredding this fucking veil already? Why are we still standing behind it like it’s going to lift itself…like someone is coming to save us? There is no one coming to save us. There has never been anyone coming to save us my friends. We must save ourselves. Only we can save us now. Only we have ever been able to save ourselves. Knowing this and accepting this shall be the foundation for my life. There are no others.

As blessed as I am and as much as I am loved, sometimes the lesser loves that I have lost along the way, still hurt me. As much as I am, sometimes I forget. As far as I have come…I often fail to cheer myself on!. As much as I have, I often find myself wanting more. As much as all of this hurts, I am so thankful for the lessons. I am beyond thankful to have the most amazing girl on the world to love me no matter what…for amazing friends and dedicated and gifted angel therapists and doctors, placing their hands and intentions in me to heal the pain that a lifetime can no longer ignore. I am thankful that Shawn is back because of all the things I have ever lost, I missed my baby brother the very most. Through all of everything, my baby brother has meant so much to me and I thank God that we found our way back to one another.

Today, most of all…this girl is fucking blessed and so thankful for the love and abundance and beauty in her life! You are part of my color and part of my beauty and I am so glad you are here with me this morning! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

Happy Valentines Day my loves!!!!!

Good morning everyone! Happy Valentines Day! I’m choosing which holidays to keep and which holidays to celebrate and this shall be my favorite! A day to celebrate our love. Today is of special importance to me, as I am finally home. Today reminds me of the love that blesses me every moment of every day, and the woman who bestows this love upon me. Happy Valentines Day to my love, Tamara. Every day is Valentine’s Day for us, as we love each other in all things. Ugly crying and shattered relationships…death and loss. We have hit some pretty low lows and we are on our way to soar the to the highest of heights together. I love you baby! I am so ready for all of the good things coming for us!! Thank you for carrying me through when I’ve been unable to carry myself.

Today is a new beginning for me and I am so, so thankful. I get to love and celebrate love on my terms. I get to make my own Valentines! I get to love learning what love is to me and how it isn’t so skewed anymore.

Today I woke up next to the most beautiful and amazing human being on the planet. We spent the morning together before we both had to head off and do our own thing for a bit. We get to be the love we want to be and see and know and feel in our lives. We get to project that love we put into the world with all of our hearts and I am so thankful, grateful and blessed on this day.

Every day is a day of love. Every day we have a choice. Every day I choose love. Valentines Day seems the perfect day to make a conscious decision to commit to choosing love at all times and in all things. Love or fear? I choose love. On this day and every day. More than New Years for me this year, is Valentines Day, my new beginning and my first breath of fresh air. My eyes are opening and my heart is coming forth. Today shall be the day that brings me back from the places I have been. Today I return home.

For each and every one of you, on this beautiful day of love…I send you all of my love. I remind you that you also have a choice, every day. Every moment of every day presents opportunity for choices. I invite you to choose love.

Happy Valentines Day my loves! I love you! Happy Valentines Day Tamara! You are my world and I love you with all of my heart, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond! Thank you for teaching me love and for loving me through my unloving places. We break on through to the other side…we burst into the flames of love! And so it is.

A brief update on my medical situation and a pause…

Good morning everyone. Thank you for all of the love yesterday. Here is a brief update on my medical situation for those interested. I had my pelvic injections yesterday morning and I spoke with my OBGYN about how they seem to not be working very well for me. I have done every treatment with less than 24 hours of relief following the injections. We have done injections and dual pudenal blocks, to no avail. Typically, women get about three weeks of relief. Again this morning, the relief has worn off for me, and so we find a different strategy. We are looking at spinal injections next and so ask for your love as we find what works for me. I am in deep tissue massage and acupuncture therapy twice a week for the clenching, which sciatica is largely responsible for, at this point. All in all, I feel very good and very positive about my healing. I am so thankful for my doctor and for everyone on her team and for our ability to overcome the adversity in the beginning, to have arrived in the beautiful space we are in now. I am so grateful for all of my therapists and for each person who has referred me and who has laid hands and hearts on me to get me well. Thank you for every prayer and for all of the love you have surrounded me in. I feel you and I love you and I thank you. We will just keep keeping on until we find what works. And so it is.

I have been pretty quiet as of late. My world got rocked all over the fucking place and I had to just set it all down. I will not go into detail because it really matters not. I will just say that I was recently hit harder than I have ever been hit by someone whom I never thought would harm me. I knew not what to do or say and all I have been able to feel is my heart breaking over and over and over again. The lies and the deception…the loss and the delusions of grandeur…fools gold and deception of epic proportions landed at my feet and I dropped to the ground in agony and disbelief. I have been down there, on my knees, in agony. I have seen what I came to see and I have done all that I can do. And so without further hesitation, I raise from my knees to my feet and I dust myself off and I begin the journey that I came here for in the first place. I begin the journey of Coral…and I could not be more excited, as I get to decide where we are going and to whom we allow inside of our sacred space. Many of you have shared sacred space with me and I thank you. Many of you have left sacred space with me and I thank you. I return from whence I came, to my true nature. As I shed what no longer serves me, I don a new cloak and I open my heart once more, to those who come in love and light and peace. To all others, the door is closed and you may continue walking past me. I shower you with love and light and blessings as you pass and I thank you for not darkening my door. My door, always open to everyone, is temporarily closed in mourning, and in acknowledgment of a time gone from me. My door is closed so that I may rest and rejuvenate and heal. For I cannot begin to save anyone from anything until I first learn to save myself. I cannot love you as I want to love you, until I dive within and love me the most first. And I will never be able to love or want enough for you, what you do not want for you. You also, must love you the most first. I take my hands off of all things that my hands do not belong on. I take my heart back. I take a pause for me, to do what I must do, before I rise from these ashes, for once and for all. I have come to let you know that I have come to let you go; if you are not here to love me. Love is a verb. Love feels like something is happening, not like the ricochet of empty and void places and hollow words. Love fills us up and does not deplete us. I turn inward to find this love so that I may turn outward and share it with all of you. And so it is.

As my boundaries become visible and I begin to honor them, I welcome myself home. I welcome us all home, for we have stayed too long in someone else’s story, haven’t we? We each have our own story to write and to tell and to live and to dream. We each have our own wants and our own desires and our own dreams. We truly do know what is best for ourselves, don’t we? I will always do my best to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves…the animals and the children at our mercy…I will always speak for them. I invite you to do the same. We must not be silent about the things that really matter. We must not wait for someone else to do something. We are someone and we must speak and act on the behalf of those who cannot. When our voices fall on deaf ears and our hearts shatter for someone else’s breaking for the last time, we will be headed home. Take my hand and hold my heart one last time for now , and let us all take some time behind our own doors. Let us heal our own hearts and lick our own wounds, that we may stop projecting onto each other our dysfunction and our unconsciousness. Let us set it all down and sort it all out so that we can leave what no longer serves us, to lighten our loads and to open our heartstrings the new day dawning before us.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

“There is No One Else” a poem by Coral

Happy Monday morning everyone! I am watching the sun rise and I am so glad to be here with you! Truly, I have been teetering on the edge for a while now. It is so fucking nice to be back!!!!!

And so I write with my brother Rumi and Mother Maryam this morning. My first poetry in a very long time, so be kind! I love you!

“There Is No One Else”

There came a space that lent no mercy, over a sea of salty tears. A ledge that ran out in a tsunami of my fears.

To and fro and past my limit, before crashing down into the great abyss that knew no bounds. I have come to let you that I met my end and my maker. And I have returned to you now.

My heart is pure. The darkness fades to light and I am in gratitude and thanksgiving. My love told me a million times that life is for the living.

The balance has returned and I have found my center once again. My walk through my own personal hell was made tolerable with the love of you, my friends.

For all that caused me to feel so lost, I gave it all to find myself. I was reminded once again that there is no one else.

We come in alone and we leave alone when our time comes. This walk is only ever been, to remind us that we are one.

My fears and my transgressions and my unknowing of myself; only to learn once again that there was never anyone else.

The reminder of loves mercy, when I finally set it all down. I couldn’t see clearly to save my own life, what I see so clearly now.

The oneness that felt more like aloneness had been a Segway to myself. I stand here to remind you that there is no one else. There has never been anyone else.

Our choices are but two, as they have always been. You choose love or you choose fear. Either way, you win.

For fear teaches us the lessons that blessings alone cannot reveal. Fear brings us back to love, and it always will.

As long as we are open and as long as we stay true, fear will bring us back to the greatest love we never; always, only ever really knew.

As we flail in competition and as we fight to stay afloat, I simply came to remind us all that we are rowing our own boat.

We compete, only ever with ourselves. The battles and the demons, they were never those of someone else.

The darkness and the light; the shadows and the cracks that rage inside. We must remember that these are only ever, the turbulence of our own tides.

I forgot in all of my self-inflicted fury, that I could simply set it down. I flailed and suffered horribly, until exhaustion finally threw me facedown to the ground.

So, I came here this morning to remind us once again, there are truly no others. We may begin again.

Set it down. Turn it over. Lift it up and set it free. Give yourself your glory, for God you are indeed.

If it serves you, keep it and if it doesn’t, let it go. If it sets your soul on fire, then I don’t need to tell you what you already know.

If it poisons you and makes you sick inside and you think the outside world can’t see; I am here to remind you, that you, simply reflect me.

Your demons are my own and I love you just the same. You and I are kindred spirits. We hover as moths over the very same flame.

Dial it down and breathe it out. Take a moment and give thanks. Remember once again that it’s all in what you think.

You are divine. You are radiant and glowing. Whether you know it yet or not, your cup is overflowing.

There is only ever you to blame and only ever you to thank. For, how you perceive your world and your surroundings is the gas you put in your own tank.

I love you. Have a beautiful day!

I cut this puppets strings and I set this circus down. And so it is.

Happy Sunday everyone. I hope you have a beautiful day planned today. I have a beautiful day planned with my girl and I am so happy to be spending today with her!

I realize that I have been vague and ambiguous as to what exactly is going on in my life for the last month. I really just don’t have words and the words I have had…well they have not been kind, and so as much as possible, I have held on to them. I have been in the most excruciating emotional pain of my entire life and I am done feeling this way. Tamara hit her breaking point last night and I woke to hit mine this morning. These girls are done and fucking done with the pain and drama that has infiltrated our lives…with the non-transparency and the lies and the manipulation and the fucking piles upon piles of bullshit…done and fucking done, we are with this rhetoric. I have cried enough tears in the last month to nearly drown myself. I allow the river I have cried since my mom got sick, to flush my heart of what does not belong to me. I allow the tears to wash it all away…wash it all away…wash it all away. And so it is.

I have learned that I come from the Cherokee Indians. I am 1/16 Cherokee Indian. These shall be the roots that grow deep into the earth to ground and center me. I shall begin to know my people and their ways…their traditions and their customs. Of all that I have come to know that I am, I choose to hold onto this. My mom mentioned this throughout my life…this small part of her lineage, that she seemed to care nothing much about, other than to see if it would qualify me for financial assistance for college. I on the other hand, didn’t give a fuck about college, and have always been far more interested in this piece of myself. Who am I and where did I come from? This information was given to me by my cousin last week and this is all I know of who I am, in lineage. So, if you know anything about me and who I am, I would love to hear from you. If you have a piece of this part of our lineage, I would love for you to share it with me, in a photo…in a story…in a handwritten letter…I would love to have a piece of that part of me. Truly, for me, I am going to take this piece of myself and I am going to let the rest go. I am choosing who I am and I am shedding who I am not. I begin with learning all I can about the People I come from, and their ways and traditions. This piece of myself has always called out to me and I call back now…I am ready. I am here. Please come for me and tell me from where I came. And so it is.

As I came down here to write this morning, stumbling on the wreckage of my past…Bruised and battered and all banged up. Shamed and embarrassed by shit that isn’t even mine…bleeding out for those who have gone on ahead of me and for those who left me behind…flailing and crashing about in all of this fucking rubble…I barely made it safely to the door of our healing space. I am fucking done. Truly, done and fucking done. I have come to let you know that if you are unhealthy for me, I have come to let you go. I will not exert any energy, any longer on anyone who does not love me honestly, openly and like a verb. I will not spend one more moment attempting to save The drowning, until I hone my own swimming skills first. Even then, I shall throw out a life preserver and I shall not be attached to whether you grab hold or not, for you are drowning and only you can save you from that. Only I can save me from this. I have finally come to know that this battle is with myself. I will not spend one more second hating myself. I have been in the very worst space and the very worst pain of my entire life for the past three years and forty days and I am fucking done. I am done and fucking done, dangling by the thread whose puppet master knows no bounds, no mercy and no compassion. Today, I cut this puppets strings and I set this circus down. For this is not my circus and these are not my clowns. As I look around me, I begin to laugh with abandon, at the clowns 🤡 all around me 🤡 look at the silly little 🤡 clowns!!!!! As I untangle myself from these strings and I realize I am finally free, I run with the clowns 🤡 to the gate that has held me! This circus 🎪…these 🤡 clowns….they are not even mine!!! Entangled in their stories and suffocated in their dysfunction no longer…this is not my circus and I am free to go!!!! Not my circus and not my clowns…not my circus and not my clowns…not my circus and not my clowns….and so I set this circus down. And so it is.

Thank you Tamara, for carrying me through the literal hell of the past three years and 40 days and 40 nights. The anguish and the pain…the primal cries and the destruction in our own lives, as a result, all behind us now. Thank you for carrying me when I could not even breathe and for breathing your breath into me when I could not find my own. Thank you for breaking last night, so that I could break this morning, so that we can be done with what is not ours. Thank you for the hell you have endured to see me through my own. Thank you for being my girl and my whole world. I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and always, my beautiful, dear, and amazing girl! Thank you for seeing me thorough this. We are done and fucking done with that which is not ours. And so it is.

To every single one of you who has held me though this storm, with all of my heart, I love you and I thank you. For every single prayer…for every bit of love…thank you. I love you right back.

For those tossed about by the turbulence of the forces that moved in us when we came together, I pray for your peace and for your return to stillness now. For those whom I chased after being dismissed, I cut the cord that binds us and set us both free to our own dharma now. To the circus and all of the clowns, my deepest thanks for hosting me. It has been quite a fucking doozie up in here, and I thank you for your hospitality and for your lessons, turning into blessings every single day. To anyone I have hurt and to everyone I have harmed, I offer my sincerest and most heartfelt apology to you now. I know I have been the clown in many circuses myself and so I acknowledge the disruption and I set the circus down. And so it is.

I hope you have a beautiful Sunday! As I untangle from the final string, held only by my own pause, I am off to love and live my life today! I love you!

You are writing your own story. Make it a good one!

Good morning beautiful people! Happy Friday and what a day to make a different choice, wouldn’t you agree?

I went to bed with my body blessed by angels once again and I am so, so thankful! I went to bed next to the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world…my truest and dearest friend and my best confidant…my soulmate and my lover…the co-founder of a dream that we are building together…my anchor and my rock…and I am blessed beyond measure! I had a day full of the most beautiful and grateful clients, who pay me well and love me well and I am open and ready for some more clients like that please! I had a beautiful morning working with my colleagues, for the healing of one of our very own, and I am blessed beyond measure to be amongst such prestigious colleagues, who know and trust my work, to have me place my hands and my energy upon their best friends. I will always value and invite time like this, to give back to those who refer and share me with you, so that I can help you too and pay my bills. To everyone who loves me like a verb…thank you, and I am an open invitation for some more love like that please! My little brother and my sister checked in on me, as we have been most recently doing for one another and I will definitely have some more of that please! I had weekly tea with my very best friend, Sigrid, and I will always welcome more time and love and space and honesty and friendship, like a verb, like that, in my life! Coral and Sigrid tea time is nourishment and fuel for my soul on this journey and I am blessed! To all of these endeavors, I drove in the FJ Cruiser that I love and cherish so much, as Jesus takes the wheel, and my musical medicine blasts through the speakers, of the piece of my mom and dad that I have left, and I am thankful! I feel my beautiful and radiant cousin, Regina, in and around all of the good and positive and wonderful memories of my past and with me always on this journey and I love you so much cousin! Always, in all ways, I have room for love like Regina…thank you and more…yes please! I arrived home safe and sound at our Sanctuary in the woods, surrounded by all of my best friends…for they love me from wherever they are, to wherever I am, always and without fail or prejudice, and I am home! My health is good and getting better every day, in every way. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And I am so thankful for my life and for those who share this journey with me. Every day begins and ends in gratitude. Every day I am better than I was yesterday. And so it is.

This is the version of how my day ended and began that I am choosing to share and to focus on. These are the parts of my day that I am pulling out to give thanks for. These moments are my focus henceforth. These are the people I choose to rejoice in and to be grateful for, as are they for me, life’s breath. Everyone and everything else, that does not serve my highest good, I release! I stand in love and for, love in all things. I believe in love and I believe in each of us. I believe, with all of my heart in the good things coming! Thank you, my brother, Nahko, for your love.

Love is an action word and I challenge each of to truly grasp this and to know this and to live this! Love in action will open up your life!! Love in words…well, we all know what that empty and often loveless love feels like, don’t we? Where there is void, to be love in action and you will fill the void. Love in action is not always easy, as it is an action, not an empty mouth full of empty promises and lies. Action, being in action and of service…very different from choosing the “right” words, wouldn’t you agree?

We all make a choice every time we open, or do not open our mouths. I am choosing to keep my mouth closed in situations where I have nothing kind to say. In this silence, I pray for peace for those whom I choose not to open my mouth to anymore. I choose to whom I speak and to whose calls I heed. I choose whose words I shall open myself up to. I give myself permission to leave when I am done. I give myself permission to choose the clients whom I can help and to charge accordingly for my time and my services. I ask the universe to bless us all that we be synced together for our highest goods. I pray that we all feel the value of the relationship we walk into together. I pray that we each be served and valued for our life’s work and our contributions accordingly. And so it is.

Have a beautiful Friday everyone! You are writing your own story today. What will you write? Let’s write a with all of our hearts, shall we?