Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

A couple of really important Coral lessons this morning…

Before I begin my blog this morning, I want to address yesterday’s blog for a moment; I wrote about my experience of going off of my prescribed medication, without the care of consult of my PCP or my therapist. I had therapy yesterday and my therapist was not impressed. I will leave it at that. My friend Sigrid asked me to make this clear and so I make clear that, not only is it not recommended to go off of any prescribed medication, ever, without consulting your prescribing physician, it could be deadly. It could have been deadly for me. I cannot say what caused me to sink as low as I did, and to let those closest to me know, that I was afraid that I might not pull through this time. I will say that it likely could have been My abruptly going off of my medication, combined with my chemical imbalances and mental disorders. At any rate, and without exception, please do not ever do as I do. Do not go off of your medication without consulting the person who put you on it. I made and error in judgement, that could have cost me my life. I am sorry and I did not do so consciously or on. purpose. Thank you Sigrid for bringing this to my attention so that I could be very clear about this. Do not ever go off of your prescribed medication without medical consult! Deal? Truly, please hear me and be more responsible than I have been in this regard, okay?

I stepped into her world to save her from our world,

For our world cut her you see.

I crawled into her den to love her because I took her from her den mate.

I licked and nursed her wounds. I held her in her pain. I woke with her in confusion.

We tamed one another. We, entangled in the bear den, just to survive the night. We became one, baby bear and I.

She, feral and untamed. Dreadlocks and fresh wounds. Distant and painful eyes, seeking my help.

And I, with not one knowing of what to do…We, just baby bear and I, and Sam…I called Sam…we had to figure it out.

In the car, she cried. I prayed and asked Sam to crawl back there with her while I drove us home. At home, we got her out together, into the night sky. We stood in the driveway and we cried. We had to pee and we did not. We went into the studio to wait for help.

Feral and frightened and drowsy and confused…cut 12 inches wide open and closed with staples, the bear and I stood weary. We stood that way for a long time. Baby bear cried. Mom cried too. Mala wailed in anguish. I asked Alexa to go get Enya. We spent a LOT of time with Enya. Enya could not drown the cries of the baby bears. Enya could not soothe the broken hearts of babies separated from each other for the very first time. Yes, hearts broke in the studio that night and baby bear and I stood in the not knowing of what we had just entered into.

The hours turned into daylight and the daylight turned to dark. Fourteen times, we saw that cycle, baby bear and I, from a box in the driveway that housed us and kept us warm and safe together. The studio disappeared and the forest was seen through the windows mostly. We saw the forest, through the trees, on daily visits to see Mala Bear and on potty breaks. We saw our friends sometimes. Mostly though, we saw each other. Momma Tamara was a constant companion in the baby bear den and we really missed her every time she had to go.

I sit here now, in the baby bear den, without my baby bear…my new and dearest friend. I sit, not in my studio, for we left it as it was. We, baby bear and I, ran back to our own lives. We hurried to them because we missed them. We could breathe our own air again, and we could shit comfortably in our own toilets again. We could lie in our own beds tonight and we would be next to our true loves once more! Hallelujah!

It was wonderful to be home! Fourteen days and fourteen nights without a girl, well, I was happy to be home! Our bed…you have no idea!!!! Hallelujah! Tamara and I did not share more than an hours or so drive from Santa Fe together, except in passing, for the last fourteen days.

Mala cried and laid in wait for us to come out into the driveway. When Mala saw Nahko she cried and she shook and she broke. Every time we walked away, she broke again. To bear witness to this…to feel this…well, it changed me. It softened me. It broke me too. I shook too. I cried too. I only knew to do for Nahko, what I wish someone would have done for me when I hurt, when I was scared, when I was sad without my brother. I wanted comfort. I needed love. I needed touch. I did not get those things and so I don’t know if I did it right, I did my best, so I did it perfect, says Sam. Thank you Sam. I did those things I never got for Nahko. I loved her my very, very best. I slept in her bear den with her until she fell asleep. Sometimes I stayed after, just to watch her sleep. I fell in love with Nahko Bear and Nahko Bear with me. It felt nice to love so much.

Nahko Bear and I loaded into the Jeep yesterday to go and see the vet. The vet says Nahko looks great! Her healing is amazing! Her staples were removed and she was released back into her life. I returned to mine.

On my way out to a client, I stopped by to lie a moment with Nahko Bear, in she and Malas baby bear den, on my way out. I wanted to check her tummy and give her some love. I missed her already and I could feel she missed me too. We were like old friends, rolling around and laughing together. Mala Bear came to join and I was so happy! Together again, at last. And out of nowhere, Nahko went for Mala and Mala went back for Nahko and I laid in between and kicked them apart. I was stunned at first. I was still on the ground next to Nahko and she went to lick me. It was then that I realized that Nahko was protecting her new cub, as we had switched worlds now. Nahko protected me from her sissy. You cannot know what that is until you know what that is. What that is…that is heartbreak. Tamara has come running out and we separated them. We all came down a bit. I had to go to work. I returned. I fed them their dinners apart. Nahko followed me everywhere. Mala was so sad. I was so sad. I knew what I must do.

As excited and honored as I am to have been accepted as a pack member, I am not. We are not members of their pack. We, if not checked, can fuck up the hierarchy of their pack. We must only ever be, the leader of our entire pack. We must not remain in the role of a pack member. I knew that in an instant and I cannot not know it now. For me to be so moved, to have been chosen, would destroy a sisters bond. I have become invisible for the sisters to repair themselves and to learn their new places. That shall be between Nahko and Mala. Tamara and I always lead the pack and must never be in the pack for too long. To be invited in and to have to leave…well it mixes honor and heartbreak. The deepest love and loss of that love, on a level that knows no words, that you will ever know, in the shortest amount of time. A beauty to behold and a heartbreaking you’ve not known, until you’ve known it. Even then, every break is a bit different.

So, in the baby bear den, not yet returned studio, I fight back the tears this morning. Fuck it, I let the tears fall all over my screen this morning! For I miss my baby bear. The den is empty and I must be invisible for a while. My heart breaks down here this morning, as I pull back from one of the greatest loves that I have ever known, to allow the love that belongs, to be…between sissy and sissy, baby bear and baby bear. I am not a baby bear, although it sure was nice to be an honorary baby bear for fourteen days and fourteen nights, in the baby bear den I made for Nahko Bear, under my drafting table in the studio.

Sometimes, when we love someone the very most, we must do the very hardest work of all. We must love them enough to take our hands off of them. We must let go and let them do their work. After finally being invited all the way in, we must quietly and gracefully bow out. As I do this this morning, my heart breaks and I ask you for your love and prayers for Tamara and I, as we do this dance again. This dance if getting so close and pulling back. Most of all though, please send all of your love and prayers to Nahko Bear and Mala Bear that as they return to their world and we return to ours, that they find their way peacefully back to each other. We love you baby bears! Welcome home Nahko Bear!

Nahko Bear slumber party number 11 and counting…

Happy Monday everyone! Welcome home! I am so glad we are all here! Truly…just look at us! We fucking made it! We made it to today! How many of you thought you might not make it to today? I am so glad you never gave up! I am so happy to see your beautiful face! I love you so much!!! And for being HERE…thank you…for never giving up, thank you…for loving yourself enough to stick around and see what the fuck you are made of…I applaud you! We have fucking got this! Fuck depression! Fuck Cancer and Fuck Depression…just fuck you guys! Go somewhere else…like back to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. Be gone now…on your way…bye bye. I banish the way that these things affect, me from my life experience. And so it is!

Nahko Bear and I just had our eleventh slumber party in the studio last night. These days and these nights…this silence and this grace…this rest and reset space and time…napping with Nahko…putting everything she needs before my own…being still…and did I say silent…this time with Nahko has blessed me beyond my own comprehension, and I am so grateful. Nahko is recovering nicely and being a very good girl! We are blessed beyond measure to have the baby bears to watch over everyone here at the Sanctuary. We love you Nahko Bear and Mala Bear! Thank you for keeping us all safe!

I work with dogs and live with dogs every day if my life. This time with Nahko Bear has been different. Like two kindred souls in shared space…not canine and human…just souls…just us. I know being here with her is bringing me home to the other five dogs up the driveway. I know being apart from our family has brought our family closer together. Somehow, absence of the things we love the most, really has made my heart softer and fonder. Nahko Bear is gentle and strong and steadfast and loyal…obstinate and true to herself…guarded and wide open…serious and playful…sleepy and bouncy…and always love. There is always love radiating from Nahko Bear and so I have been bathed in love and I am so fucking blessed!

On a side note, because I love you…I want to tell you about our new soap for the Sanctuary! I just showered with our new “Karuna” soap that Earth & Anchor creates for the Sanctuary! This soap is the most amazing soap I have ever used. Truly, it is an androgynous soap and it balances masculine and feminine perfectly! This soap suits me and I thank David and Deidre for being love like a verb when they created this soap for the animals . I feel the love in this soap and being clean is a nice bonus too! The best part is that 50 % of the proceeds go to the animals. What a wonderful way to support the animals you love so much, right?! Anyway, you should get you some! I’m just sayin…sharing is caring and I want to share this soap with everyone! Off of my soapbox about our soap now 🙃

As I was saying about slumbering down here with Nahko Bear…I feel blessed. I choose to feel blessed, rather than to feel put out. I feel quiet and still and so I am quiet and I am still. I pray and I meditate and then I sit quietly and just be. I wouldn’t have allowed myself the time to do this had Nahko Bear not needed me to be down here with her. Things that we look at begin to change when we begin to change the way we look at things. Even in depression, I will ride these waves of inspiration and clarity into my own healing. And so it is. I pray for you, the same…that you may find your peace and your contentment in all things and that your heart may always be full. We are here to walk each other home and so on my good days, I’m going to blow us up as high as I can! I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day!

Oh, and we have soap! Not sure if I mentioned that or not…check us out on Facebook at Santuario de Karuna. We would love for you to be part of our compassionate community! Have a beautiful day!

Did I mention that I am home?

Happy Wednesday everyone! Did I mention that I am home?!

I have been away and with some amazing clients, at the home of some of our very dearest friends. I am always so at home there and so welcome there and so loved there. Even when they are away, they love me. They leave me the best vegan goodies! They leave fresh linens and fill the refrigerator of my favorite things! Best clients ever at loving me like a verb. My mom got sick and they flexed so I wouldn’t lose my pay. My mom died and they were at the mortuary for the viewing, the day that my very soul cracked. Every single moment since, and every bottom that fell out, they have loved me so, so much…like a verb, always, in all ways. Janet and William have become our close and dearest friends, our family actually…our chosen family. Being in their home is home also. Home is where you are safe and loved and always welcome. Home is a place prepared. Thank you William and Janet, Teddy, Alice and Penn for being so fucking amazing! Thank you for your love. Thank you for inviting me into your sacred space to love the ones whom you love more than anyone else; while you are away. Thank you for all of your love, like a verb, for your friendship and for believing in me and my work so, so much that we helped to bring Aiden home…and we walked Gypsy and Hannah home and we walk home together. I love you and appreciate you and thank you so much for being such a part of me!

Being away from our home is the best reminder of how blessed I am to have our home to come to. Being away from Tamara is the hardest part of anything I ever do. Seeing her before I fall asleep and watching her wake up…morning coffee and “light” conversation, as I’m learning (Thank you baby) are the best part of waking up….(you know you did it too…”is Folger’s in my cup…”). Seriously though…being away from her always brings me back to her…closer and more sacred…more beautiful and true…more real and honest…more raw and open. I am thankful I feel this way about the most amazing woman in the world! I love you Tamara. Thank you for taking care of everyone while I was away. I know you have been double-timing it for me for a while now. I thank you. I love you. I’m coming home baby! I’m coming home!

Spooning with Rocky and hugging Baby Taos…playing “shake your po po” with Aliah…nestling in Nahko Bear and Mala Bears fur and having Prajna sleep at my heart all night…watching Karma Kitty sleep in front of the fire…because I missed them so, so much. Taking Rocky’s face in my hands this morning and holding him close to me, I realized I missed them all for more than a few days…I miss them all for the time that I have been gone from me. I have seen them and touched them and been so unable to reach them since my Mom got sick. My bottom fell out and I just could not come back up. My bottom had more bottoms and the last bottom to fall out, I sank even lower than my first, and I just could not come back up. Hondo stood before me yesterday and I was with him, and I and so thankful to be back home!

Being away from home, and coming home, almost for the first time since my mom passed away, I got my head above water once again. I am breathing once again. I am home, once again. I haven’t had a breath since my last bottom fell out, when the man I trusted more than anyone, showed himself to be a liar. I finally took a breath, as I pulled into our driveway. Coming home yesterday morning, as the sun began to rise before me, with snow falling all around me, with Tamara’s voice on surround sound in my beautiful FJ, I thanked God for his mercy and for his grace, I shifted up a couple of gears, to get home to my girl. The snow fell softly. Pink blared through the speakers and I sang along, with my little big brother Jamie riding shotgun, queen amongst queens, with all of his heart singing louder than myself…I smiled a huge smile. I began to become myself again, to like myself and love myself again. “What About Us”…we are us! AND we are the best fucking part of us! All of us…we are the best part of us.

My world has been shaken and my PTSD has had her way with me for the last three years. Every time I get back up, I get knocked for a mother fucking loop! I come crashing to the ground and I cannot know how it happened. I am done with this cycle. My last bottom has fallen out. I am done with the drama that spins this fucking circus. I am done with the gas lighting and the bullshit. I am done talking about and consuming myself with the pain that rocked my fucking world. I am moving forward. That’s it. I am done back there, wondering, wishing, hoping. It is what it is. It has always ever been what it is. Nothing changes what it is.

I am an artist and a writer and a mother fucking poet. I have always been these things. I am love. I am learning what that means, to be love, to be loved, like a verb. I am a gifted and very blessed “healer”, although my views on that are that I am not. My hands…me…my words…those flow through me. The healing does not come from Coral and it never has and never will. I am a vessel, a portal, a voice…for the healer himself/herself/yourself/myself to enter in and to do their work. I am so blessed and so grateful and so thankful to be able to be who I am. I am so fucking excited to begin to know who that is! Thank you for being here with me while I figure things out. I love you. Did I mention that I am home?!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

With all of my heart, all of my love to Our six pack…

Good morning everyone. I actually made it to the healing room in the morning on this day! Hallelujah! Morning’s have been kicking me in my ass and so I know I must  wrestle this demon head on. Staying in bed, under the covers, in the darkness…some days, yes. Today, I decided to rise above the urge to stay buried, to sink back into the all consuming abyss. Stumble to the coffee maker and go potty the dogs… thank God for another glorious day to begin again.

Some days watching the dogs as they greet their world makes me feel that I also would like to be so excited, so content, so fucking happy, just to be. Instead on many days, I am a grouchy shit who wants them to stop this or that so I can do this or that. I find that pain Amps that up a bit…as I am more irritable. The dogs all love me just the same. They always have, even when and especially when I could not love me. I love mornings like this morning when I wake up okay to just be happy for them and for how happy they are. I love when I can step out of me enough to enjoy our dogs, especially Taos.

Taos has not had the easiest job being my service dog, and yet my heart belongs to Baby Taos in so many ways. Taos is my strength and my weakness and all that I fail at and all that I excel at. Taos is a mother fucking saint and I am so blessed to be her companion. I look forward to cooler weather and to being well again, so Taos and I can go FJ Crusin!  I love you Baby Taos the mouse.

I was Rocky’s heart and his therapist and he became my heart and my Service dog who needed a service people. Rocky, our little Okja butt…the happiest little boy in the whole world, with the very best outlook always. I love you my brave and faithful friend. You truly are the coolest little dude ever!

Prajna, also a client visit, best one ever, in which I brought my little soulmate home. I had no idea then, none at all, that Prajna was about to walk through Hell with me. I knew not that our four pound, one eyed wonder was about to teach me and give to me. Prajna came home with me on that day, having just been found walking the streets in heat, with her eye hanging from the socket. Never a moment since have we left each other’s side. Not when she cried in her sleep and searched for her missing eye, tearing with the other one. Not when I came home from surgery without pain management on board…not for a moment. I love you Prajna Mama, so, so much…my little kiss, kiss, kiss.

Aliah,  my boxer buddy whom I love so much, even though some days I have known so little how to show her…ghost face Ali…my teacher of life’s hard fucking lessons. I love you Aliah. Thank you for making me better. Thank you for your patience and for your waiting for me, no matter how long it took for me to see you for who the fuck you really, really are, instead of who I projected onto you. I love you Ali, so, so much! I hope we will be back to playing “boxer” again VERY soon my friend!

Nahko Bear and Mala Bear…what can I say? What a gift, truly. Watching you two romp and play and learn and grow. Feeling your puppy fur on my face and taking your fur into my lungs with every breath, just to be sure of you both. I feel natural with both of you, like I’ve always been walking right beside you, like I fit somehow, between the two baby bears. I have no words for how you have brightened my world in my hours of darkness and despair. Thank you ladies for teaching me to see all of our dogs in a new and innocent light that didn’t illuminate so bright before you two came along.

Our six pack. We could not be more blessed to have been rescued repeatedly by the most amazing dogs on the planet. We love you ladies and Rockadoodle, to the moon and back. Thank you for your patience with me as I learn and grown and heal and hurt and mend and come to peace and pace with each passing moment, as I learn to hear and honor your honor beat…as I learn to hear and monitor my own honor beat. Thank you.

Our dogs never leave us for someone better. Our dogs never stop loving us because we are too old or too sick or too ugly. Our dogs look at us always as though we are everything. We are their hero always and they are our biggest fan always.

People have not been so kind to me. People have found someone better, someone prettier and more financially stable… People change their minds and they take their hearts with them when they go, don’t they? Forget the wedding and the vows and fuck forever…who believes in forever anymore anyway? Honestly, who believes in honesty anymore? Monogamy? I believe in all of those things. I am living those things. I finally found a people that loves me like my dogs…unconditionally and for all that I am not, for all that I am…for all that I have been and for all that I am becoming. I am so thankful that I was paying attention and open enough to answer the door when this knock came. So many empty knocks before had this girl pretty shut down and happy as fuck to be alone. We definitely work at it, and it’s not always easy. Always worth it though, you bet your sweet ass it is…always worth it. I love you Tamara, more than I could ever possibly tell you. Thank you for allowing me my journey and for teaching me how to love our dogs and let our dogs love me in a way that I have never understood or been able to before. As I round another corner on this morning, I am so thankful to be loved so much, to be accepted right where I am at and for all that I am and even for what I am not.

I looked back on my life a lot during all of this illness, and I have reflected a lot. I have been a douche. I have been less than and taken more. I have been absent. I have been insensitive and intolerant. I have had high expectations that no one could possibly meet. I have been short-tempered. My dogs, for my whole life, have loved me just the same. Actually, they have loved me more. This blog is for our six pack and for the one that I had to let go to save…my soul dog Nicholas.

Nicky, wherever you are, I just pray that you found the best home ever. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder where you are and wish you back here with me. I will never forget our final walk together, after my girlfriend had sexually assaulted you, and I had to give you up, to save us both. Writing that email and being so judged and hated for it, gathering your belongings and getting you in the truck on that day. I wanted to fucking die. I think a part of me did die. I am so sorry I didn’t know, and I am so sorry that when I did find out that I was so destroyed that I could not see straight. I contacted the one person who I knew would do right by you and that would be sure that you got the best home with the best family, maybe even her family. To this day, she hates me for surrendering you, and until a couple of days ago, that ate me up inside. I hated being hated so much, and then I had a moment, a peaceful moment, in which I was gently reminded that she surrendered us both and gave us both away when she chose someone else, didn’t she? We both got left behind and we were both destroyed over that, and we did our best. We did our best until someone very sick did something so bad that I couldn’t overcome it. You could have, Ive not doubt. I couldn’t and so I gave you up, to have an amazing life. So, I hope you know how deeply I love you and how much I miss you. I wasn’t the best dog Mom, and yet I was the best dog Mom that I knew how to be. My soul screams this morning and the tears roll down my face…I miss you Nicholas, and wherever you are, I pray you feel my love. I always feel your love my beautiful boy. Thank you for loving me when I was horribly unlovable. Thank you for never not loving me and for accepting me and for being my soulmate…my companion and my confidant…my best friend and my bed buddy when I would allow it. I miss you Nick and I love you with all of my very broken heart.

Yes, today’s blog is for the beautiful beings that love me no matter what, all of them. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I may not deserve the love that I get from our six pack, or from Nicholas or Max…I sure am thankful though, because I am learning  how to love and be loved by the dogs I journey beside and walk next to every single day. I am learning that I am lovable and that I am enough. I am learning just to be and I am so grateful.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!