Good morning everyone. I have been sitting here a while this morning, praying and meditating and trying to get started writing. Millions of words bouncing around in my head and I am diverting to my heart to chose the kind, necessary and true ones, and to leave all the rest.
I have come into knowings of things, awareness and remembrances of things from my past, that have literally rendered me fairly lifeless and debilitated. I am allowing myself this time and asking for continued love and prayers. Even with the millions of words, I have none for this, right now. I just can’t, right now.
In other news, I am going to begin with a huge thank you to everyone loving me…like a verb, loving me, from wherever you are. I feel you and I thank you so much, for reaching out to me right now. I feel the subtle nudges, the cyber hugs and the prayers and I know you are with me. I thank you for staying with me.
A writing, to attempt to find some of my words;
My world went black. Color escaped and eluded me.
All of my color. All of my clarity, my peace and my safety…they were all in my head and so I spent a lot of time there.
Dodging blows and counting footsteps. Keeping in corners and always facing the door. Living in blanket forts and squeezing eyes shut. Holding breath and saying prayers. Playing possum. Being dead, only for moments, and abruptly coming back to life. Violently clinging to a life that I must have asked for and yet couldn’t make sense of. Being silenced. Being wrong. Being terrified and wearing fear like a mother fucking shroud, because there was no protection.
Being Little. Not little enough to be invisible to the blows coming. Worthless enough to be invisible otherwise. Invisible and invincible and clearly divisible. My life, my simple life, was anything but simple.
Walking away from death more times than I’ve actually truly, lived at all. Picking up jagged pieces and cutting my own flesh with the reality of my life. Nothing softens this blow and nothing consoles these tears. Nothing reduces this gap or plugs up this gaping hole. Nothing gives back what was taken. Nobody and everybody knows but me and I can’t even hear it right now. Undeniable, unmistakable and without argument or fight…As the memories come together and the blanks begin to fill themselves in a bit more, I am leveled and lying low. I am hurt. I am mortally wounded. I am nursing my wounds. I am in constant prayer and meditation. I am sad and getting mad. I am.
Walking through fire like this is teaching me to appreciate the beauty of the flames. Gather the heat in my skin. Pull the heat and hold it close. Look at all of the illumination, that comes to the darkness, from this light. Watch the shadows scurrying to escape the light and ricocheting off of each other. Listen to the murmur or the truth, illuminating this room…lighting up our world…one truth at a time.
I am not alone. I know this to be true. I am not the only one. You are not the only one either, you know? You are not the only abuser. I am not the only victim. We are not alone in this. I never knew that…I truly didn’t. Is that why you call me a liar, I wonder? All of this, raining down on you…it isn’t yours alone, is it? You all kept me in silence and literally in the darkest places, drunk and unable to remember…and yet, I am remembering. Do you know what this is doing to me? Knowing how much I was despised and hated and abused and mocked and silenced and hurt and abandoned…the contempt and the disgust…do you know what your feeling like this about me, all of my life has done to my life? To me? To my relationships and friendships? To my jobs and careers? Do you know that your hatred of me and your contempt for me hurt me to the core? Do you care? I mean, really…do you care, any of you, for what you have done to me? Does anyone, anyone at all, feel badly for hurting me? Does anyone feel sorry for destroying my life? You call me a liar because I put all of this on you, when there are others? I started to feel bad, like I should apologize to you, for putting all of it on you, when you had accomplices. I owe you no apology. I haven’t owed more than half of the apologies I have given out, have I? You calling me a liar encouraged my due diligence, and what do you think I found out? Upon investigating further and after being defended, for the first time, ever in my life, by my cousins who called you out, what did you think I would find? You know…you know what I am finding out, don’t you? Does it make you as happy now, as it always has, to see me struggle so? Does that still gratify you, to see me in pain and unable to get out? Do you still get off watching me fight to cling on to my own life?
I could not remember, to save my life. Now, I cannot forget. I didn’t know and now I cannot not know. I was anesthesized and I could not feel. I am sober and have chosen no pain management and I cannot, not feel. I am crawling around in the worst agony of my life, bleeding out, all over my rock bottom. I will not stay down here. While I am down here though, I am seeing the sights. You all put on quite a show, you know? Truly, this wasteland is like none I have ever seen before…this wreckage and carnage and bloodstained tapestry, that is my life…you guys really did it up, didn’t you?
And I sit here alone, just as you predicted, don’t I? Defeated and bleeding out…blank stare across my tear stained face. Everyone scattered and having chosen everyone but me. I sit here alone. I always have, haven’t I, I always sat alone? Awkward and cowering…silent and clumsy…always falling down and getting hurt…there are doctors who never reported, aren’t there? There are people outside of our family who didn’t protect me either, adults…doctors…you’re right, it wasn’t just you. It wasn’t just me either. This is all a bit too much, isn’t it? Unfair and unregulated…no way to defend yourself and no one who believes you…not even you, deep down, can believe you, can you? Deep down, no matter who you lie to, you have to go to sleep with yo and wake up with you.
I do too, you know? I have to accept that I have never really had sleep or peaceful slumber…always been in fight or flight. I have to figure out how To begin to pick up the shattered pieces of me, that the adults in my life left…me, a shattered and broken pile of no one and nothing to anyone ever. So, please forgive me for being unable to feel too sorry for you, for any of you, for how this is impacting your life, all of these years later, as it re-emerges, as I remember, as I speak, about the horrific things that happened to me, for an entire lifetime, while you all stood by and watched. We are not silent anymore. We will not keep your secrets and hold your demons at bay any longer. We rise up…every single one of us, harmed by each of you…we rise the fuck up. So, with that being said, you may stand down now. You will stand down now. We rise where you have fallen and we offer you our hand, one last time, as we help you to the door. You may go now. All of you, who have harmed all of us…you may go now. We’ve got this and we’ve got each other and you are free to go.
As the demons come to visit me and open up their memory chests, I sit with each one, as long as I must, before moving on to the next. I will sit here until I am satisfied and then I will rise up. I will rise up. We will all rise up.
Have a beautiful day everyone and go easy on yourself today. I love you and I thank you for being here with me again today.