Happy Friday everyone! I hope your week has been amazing! I hope your life is all that you imagine. I hope you are happy with who you are. I am trying to realize what is missing from me so that I can complete me. There feels to have always been a piece of me missing. I always thought that the missing piece was someone else. I am learning that what is missing from me is me. Pain seems to be my biggest teacher right now and I find the classroom to be a bit stale and uncomfortable…a bit stuffy and uptight. And so, I’m up to stretch my legs and walk around a bit before going back in and taking this lesson seriously. I am going to go for a run and then for a bath in the river to wash me clean and then I shall return to the lesson and the classroom. This pain and learning…learning and pain…it’s foreign to me in a way and in another way, it already is my way. I don’t know why but I have definitely lived a life full of pain and I have a little heart full of rain. Some days, like the last three, the rain floods out everything else and I get pretty fucking washed out. I miss what I don’t hold. I don’t hold what I have in my hands properly. I feel like I am one step out of touch with myself. One fucking step out of step with my highest self, my Dharma…and that one step has me skipping like a scratched and warped record. I feel the flow and my stride picks up and then that one fucking step that I am out of rhythm with throws me back into my abyss. This skipping and warped record…the skip and the uneasiness of it all…I think it’s all of this fucking pain. My own self skips a beat in all of the pain and my record cannot even release to hit the charts to see where it might land. The one step that I am out of is the one step that I need to right my own rhythm. Every other step stands in wait as I master this one. My breath flows steadily in and slowly and intentioned back out again, as I consciously embrace and sit with all of this pain. I immerse myself in it and wrap myself up in it, bathe in it and thank God for it, as it is the path I have chosen to exhault me to my own pinnacle.
And on another note…damn it do I miss Aiden! A year and a half of all Aiden, all the time, and I am lonely without him. I know I must detach myself from he and his family energetically right now so that they can all bask in the glory of Aidens victory and of Aiden being back home with them. I can just see Jaxson and Aiden and Dori celebrating just being together with Aiden and my heart is full. I know Aidens mom and Dad must be so happy and able to come down now and I never wanted anything more for all of them. I have definitely missed them since court on Thursday, when the universe told me to let them go. Aiden wrote his mom a note and I dropped it in the mail. I picked up my piles of Aiden rosters and pictures and my own little heart ❤️♥️💜 and I said a little prayer, actually a big prayer, for Aiden and his beautiful family. When our work is done, it is forgotten and that is how it lasts forever. I know that no matter how long I live I will never forget Aiden or his family. Thank you Aiden for taking me with you on your journey and for trusting me to exhault you to your pinnacle. I am still doing the Aiden fro grow for your strength and I am only ever a call away. Your mom and I are building your new trachea in our dreams with God and we’ve got you! I LOVE YOU AIDEN!!!!! I love you so much little buddy!! Thank you for the color you bring to my world. I will be strong and stop crying about missing you so much and I will come and visit you once the energy settles and everyone’s lives return to order a bit. I am always with you and never more than a breath away.
Missing Aiden…missing my mom…missing Robin and her family…missing my own family…Mostly though, I guess I really just miss me. I miss me when I’m not totally thrown into my work and not sitting where I’m sitting now, desperately trying to right me and my life and to illuminate my own path. Aiden, please help me to exhault my pinnacle too, okay? Somewhere between this ring and the last one, I lost my grip. Somewhere between the last lap and this pit stop, I have lost my stamina. Somewhere between you and I, I have lost myself little buddy. Who the fuck am I without you Aiden? Who am I without my sister Robin? Who am I without my mom? Who the fuck am I without me Aiden? Where did I go and can you help me to find my way back? I found you in the recliner and I stayed with you until we could get out and I knew how to do that. I don’t know how I knew. I just know that I knew how to keep us safe together and to come home together. Look at me now Aiden. I need help getting back in the game. I have my red adidas shoes on and I’m holding my mala in my hands. I am on my knees in prayer position and I am ready to be exhaulted. Aiden, please raise me up to you that I may take my place in the world at your right hand, to do your work and your bidding for you. And so it is.
Maybe all of this jumbled up rhetoric makes no reasonable sense at all. Maybe I just have to say the words and go through the motions. God says the one attribute which I have that he needs is that I am always willing. Without hesitation, consideration, or question, I stand at the ready for his call. Names for God for me are Aiden and Robin and sister and brother and Tamara and Prajna and Nahko and Mala and Aliah, and Rocky and Taos…Taos is God for sure!!! And so this morning, I call up the God that exists in each of us…our highest self…the best of who we are…to realize the God in each other. Look into my eyes and meet God and invite me into your eyes to meet God.
Today, as directed and by the power vested in me, I clear the fog from my own eyes that you may only ever see divinity in my eyes henceforth. You will not ever be able to look into my eyes again without seeing God in you and I both. God has removed the shroud and gifted each of you, the gift of my eyes. Visits with these eyes and the soul of the divine are coming into play in the world now. Many of you will come to me for this gift, as you have been called to do. Those who seek me will find me. So it is written and so it shall be, that you shall find God within you by looking into the eyes of God in someone else. And so it is.
Have a beautiful day everyone! Touch your own divinity today so that we may begin to connect and heal our world. I raise us all up to exhault our pinnacles through acts of selfless and unconditional love and service. I am available should you be called to me. I love you.