Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Christmas to me…

Good morning. Merry Christmas! I mean if that’s your thing. I am finding that Christmas is not my thing at all. I won’t be writing about Yuletide and joy and decking the halls this morning. You are probably going to church for all of that, like I did for the first 18 or so years of my life. I won’t offer you any of that. In fact, I sit here wondering what all of that really is anyway? Reindeer and Christmas trees…baby Jesus in the manger and exorbitant spending landing so many in debt. Suicide rates climb and alcohol consumption sky rockets as we celebrate baby Jesus? What in the literal fuck? I mean no disrespect…truly. I just cannot help but wonder what all of this Christmas hype is really about? I can guarantee you that it is not about baby Jesus.

I landed in Hell last night and I’ve not re-emerged just yet. These feelings get pushed down and back every year and this year, stifled and repressed. Not this year…this year on Christmas morning as I open not one gift, and as I sit with no tree or Christmas decorations, I wish myself a merry Christmas. I wish you a merry Christmas. That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. This day is just another day to me. Unfortunately this day cuts me deeply and I’m not done bleeding just yet. Sherry was Christmas and although she was with me in my dreams, Sherry didn’t make it again this year for Christmas morning. The primal cries dislodging their way out of me this morning feel as though they are fracturing my very soul. Sherry was Christmas.

Days like today wreck me in ways that I cannot articulate. The world feels cold. The world is missing. Tangled up in tinsel and swiping credit cards like clockwork…pushing through crowds in a hurry to get the right sizes and the best deals…disregarding one another and human decency all together. Buying dead birds and stuffing them up their ass so that we can be thankful…ya, I don’t get it. I really have determined that don’t get it.

I remember the joy of Christmas and holding Shawn’s hand as we waited in the hall together for everyone to walk in together. We were so excited to see what Santa brought us! Our Christmases were magical and storybook…full of wonder and joy…family and friends…delicious food and gifts…our house was always a destination spot for sure. I am so thankful that Shawn and I are speaking again. Everything else and everyone else from Christmas past is gone from me. I don’t really feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry. I feel sad. I feel a little lost and empty. I hurt so deep and so badly last night that I prayed I wouldn’t wake this morning. I’ve not prayed that prayer in a while. I meant it. Alas my prayer was not answered and so I am down here in my studio…writing and trying to figure out how to come to life. I cannot stomach the mean and the nasty and the short and the snippet. I cannot understand the irritability and the frustration so present everywhere. The intolerance and the outright abuse all around me. I literally feel it killing my soul slowly and I am tired of fucking dying this slow and agonizing death, over and over and over again. I don’t want to be too much and I am. I don’t want to feel like I’m not enough and I do feel that way, a lot. I don’t want to make excuses for you as to why you are as you are to me. I don’t have any fucking idea why you are as you are to me. I only know that it hurts and I don’t like it. You left and I watched you. I’m not crazy as many suggest. I’m honest. In a dishonest world. The truth that I crave and the denial of it have always made me feel a little crazy I suppose. Talking about how I really feel on Christmas morning…who the fuck does that?! I mean really…who does that, ever? Who talks about what really hurts and how we really feel?

Being alone on Christmas morning isn’t any different than being alone on Thursday or Sunday…but it is, isn’t it? It is different and somehow it hurts more, doesn’t it? That loveless marriage hurts a lot more this morning, doesn’t it? The person you loved with your whole heart, who passed away and left you here…you feel that a bit more today, don’t you? The divorce and the custody battle…it all hits home on days like this…all you’ve lost…all you miss and long for…somehow it hurts worse this morning, doesn’t it? Maybe it doesn’t for you…and I am so happy if you are in a different place than I am this morning. I was once in a different place than I am this morning. I will be in a better place again.

This Christmas morning I could not blog about what I do not feel. I do not feel joy. I do not feel like tinseling the town. I am not digging gifts out from hiding places with a smirk across my face. I’m not playing Santa and passing out gifts under our family tree. I…just I…sit here feeling like a fucking bomb went off in my life. I see all of the pieces scattered everywhere and they look and feel familiar to me…and yet this must be someone else’s ground zero. This must be someone else’s life. This cannot be happening to me.

I just had morning coffee with Tamara and I feel a bit more grounded. We cried together. We hurt together. We come together…in all of this pain…I thank God that Tamara and I always come together. Tamara is my rock and I am so thankful.

Tamara and I decided to begin a new tradition this year for Christmas. A tradition that embodies who we are and how we feel. We are going to be spending our day today being of service. Please join us if you wish! We would love to have you!

Jesus was born in a manger, to a virgin. There was no room for baby Jesus in the inn and so they prepared a place for him in the barn. The wisemen came and gifted him gold, frankincense and myrrh. The gold is a symbol of kingship on earth. The frankincense, an incense, a symbol of deity. The myrrh, am embalming oil, a symbol of death. The shepherds left their flocks and came to the manger. The North Star their only light. The animals gathered around baby Jesus and it was fucking serene and beautiful and holy. How did we get from that manger to the commercialization and exploitation…the exclusion and the alcoholism, the debt and the wars we are waging…all in the name of Christmas?! For fucks sake, where is baby Jesus?!

On your way to your Christmas church service, how many less fortunate people did you pass right by, without a second thought? If Jesus is the reason for the season, I suggest we start being Christlike. If you attribute all of this holiday hype to that baby in the manger, then where is your frankincense? Shoving a turkeys ass full of stuffing while shoving another cocktail down your fillet…excluding that annoying family member and talking shit about the people not sitting with you…failing to set a place for those gone but not forgotten…and tipping back another egg nog…did you think that maybe you might be missing the whole point of Christmas?

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. This day…Tuesday…is a good day to go out there and be love. Don’t take Christ out of Christmas and wonder why we are as we are. We are here to be of service…to walk each other home. We are here to love. Merry Christmas! Maybe take a moment to think about what Christmas is and what Christmas is not to you this year? Don’t continue someone else’s tradition that doesn’t jive with your soul. Don’t honor a tradition that you know absolutely nothing about. We are here to love each other. Our new Christmas tradition is that…to be love…to be loved…to be together. And so it is.

If you’ve nowhere to be today…come be with us. Seriously, message me if you want to be with us today. We would love to have you! All of you…everyone is welcome!

Today I humbly offer each of you your Christmas gift from me…

Happy Saturday morning everyone! I am happy to report that I have been busy following through on some commitments to myself and it feels so good! This blog is at a transitional and pivotal place right now. It is December 1st and I have honored my one year commitment to myself to blog every single day for 365 days Here within a few days, I am no longer committed to coming here. I am so thankful for how writing every day, without fail, has opened up my life…how I am beginning to really heal my past…for the lives that I’ve touched and for the countless lives that have touched mine…for my ability to be vulnerable and transparent and open and honest and raw. Coralsblog has changed my fucking life! One year, every single day coming here has given me myself. I meet you here and I look forward to being with you here. We share coffee and tears and so much love here.

Today, December 1st 2018, I commit to writing every single day, without fail, for another 365 days. I know many of you come here every single day, without fail. I thank you so much for being here since there first day I walked into this empty blog alone. I won’t lie…I was a little scared and uncertain as to how to begin, so I just began. I wasn’t sure what to write and so I just wrote. Today, our healing room is full and getting more comfortable and cozy by the minute. We are just getting started! I will not leave you now my friends! We are in this together! Thank you to everyone who openly follows me. It means a lot to me that you do. Thank you. To those of you who don’t follow me, I invite you to follow me if you wish. I would love to meet you here every morning for another year. I will be here every day and I hope you will too!

Also, please feel free to comment on my blog and to interact with me. I love comments and I would love to hear from you! As always, take what you need and leave the rest. I know for me, when I hear the end of something I’m not ready to be done with yet…I get a little sad and anxious. Don’t be sad. Don’t be anxious. We are just getting started my friends! Please kindly remember that this is corals blog and coral is writing her story. I trust myself implicitly to edit as I see fit, the content of what I write. I trust my heart and my intention and I mean no harm ever. I am here to write to get it all out…to heal…to learn and to grow. I am here to heal us all as we join hands and walk each other home. I fucking love you!

This blog truly is my Christmas gift to each of you this year. I will be spending my time and resources and energy on being and not on things. I will be celebrating my healing and I will not be purchasing gifts this year. You’ve got me for another year, every day….no matter what. Merry Christmas! I love you!

Let me see what you’ve got this morning!

Good morning everyone! Couldn’t help it, woke up to My Christmas music for this morning’s meditation. As I sit in this healing room, I light up all of those candles for us all. Sitting in the glow and basking in the love, listening to the hum of this song..I swear to God, I am feeling the healing! I feel my Mom stroking my face and wiping all of these tears from my face. Sitting right next to my Mom, with all of this love in my heart, I ask her to hit me with all of the love she can, so I can bring it here for all of us. Fill me and overfill me, I tell her, and then add some more please. I need all I can carry. I need help carrying all of it. Let’s deck the halls in here, shall we? Let’s all take a moment this morning and visualize being in Christmas Eve service together…let’s hold hands and sing together…let’s love each other more than we have ever loved each other before. As open as we can be, as wide open as we can possibly be…let that love in you guys! I bring the one thing in that opened my Mom…Christmas, to illuminate the way for us this morning. We all have different memories and I’ll just ask you to pick your very best memory right now…your very best one, from your whole life.

As always, everyone go out there and take the time you need. Go find your very best memory and maybe even a song that goes with that memory, and bring it back to circle when you’re done. I know we all have at least one, and I want to emphasize, I want your very best one. A memory that nothing in this life has tainted, at all. Your moment…the one you’ve tucked away, so worn out that it’s fragility is somewhat concerning to you. That’s the one! The one you just grabbed that brought a childlike smile across your face…bring that one back to circle with you now.

Okay…looks like everyone is back, and look at these awesome treasures! Truly, beneath the dust and years, look at that sparkle! Dull as fuck and needing a good polishing…these are some relics here my friends! These are some beauties! Go ahead, lick your fingertip And write your name in the dust. Look at that shine in those letters! Look at your name, light up like a marquee! Fucking beautiful you guys! These are some glorious treasures!

Today, we begin, each of us, with our most precious memory. I have mine. It just so happens to be Christmas with my Mom and Dad and little brother…my Moms Mom and Dad are sitting around the tree, in front of the fire, waiting for Shawn and I to come out and see what Santa left for us. As we round the corner from the hall, peeking into the den, I can feel the softness of the lights. I feel the all of the anticipation of my little heart, just about to explode, from the excitement of it all. I have my little brothers hand in my hand. I smell the coffee and all of the baked goods my Mom bakes every year, in the background. My little pink ball, illuminated by a single light and my little Brother…my Mom and my Dad and my Mamma and my Pappa…everything I in the whole world that meant everything to me…all right here with me…and hey, that was Christmas to me…dusting it off and singing along, allowing the tears to flow freely and washing off the stains of the years with them, I polish this memory. Spit and shine…I want this one lit up perfectly! This is the one…the memory that stopped my beating heart for a moment this morning…this is the good stuff. This morning, that is all we are interested in…all we are looking at and all we are taking with us out into our day today…the good stuff!

Let’s see yours! Look at that sparkle! This is the time to commit to never letting anyone or anything, ever, dull your sparkle again. These are our treasures! No one can ever take them from us. We just shared them and look how they multiply. Look at the soft and reflective smiles on everyone’s faces, the soft tears and everyone’s favorite Christmas song in cue, to play next…tell me, which song is yours? These are some great songs, also bringing more good memories…let’s turn the music up and sit around this campfire together. Grab your cup of coffee and your blanket and come sit by me. I don’t know why, but I want to hold your hand…is that okay? Just for this moment, can we just have a huge ass slumber party? Can we all just please stay here, in this glorious moment together, for just a few moments more?

Yes. Yes, we can stay here, as long as we like. Work will wait. Your spouse and your kids will wait. The dogs, not patiently, and they will wait too. Just let it all sit there for a few minutes, while you revel in your good stuff. It may or may not be Christmas and this moment may have been hard for you to come by this morning, so you’re okay to stay here a moment more.

Look around you. What do you see and how does it make you feel? That sliver of a smile and that glimmer of hope, that is all we need, to keep this fire going. Pass it on…one of my favorite songs from campfire as a kid…Pass it on…

It only takes a spark to get a fire going

And soon all those around can warm up to its glowing

That’s how it is with God’s love

Once you’ve experienced it

You spread your love to everyone

You want to pass it on

What a wondrous time is spring when all the trees are budding

The birds begin to sing, the flowers start their blooming

That’s how it is with God’s love

Once you’ve experienced it

You want to sing, it’s fresh like spring

You want to pass it on

I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I’ve found

You can come join in, it matters not where you’re bound

I’ll shout it from the mountain tops

I want the world to know

The joy of friends has come to me

I want to pass it on

Pass It On Kurt Kaiser 1969 EMI Christian Music Group

It only takes a spark, to keep a fire going. Look at all of these sparks…look at all of these master fire tenders…who brought the stuff for s’mores? A around you at all of this love. Feel all of us, in our best memories, with Christmas music and old country music playing gently and wafting through the air between us…wait, is that your song? How did I know that you picked that one? Great choice and one of my favorites as well!

Look at us! Would you just look at us! Healing and smiling and loving each other. This is our healing room and this is how we heal. We heal by being broken so that we may be open to being mended. We fall here, in this safe place, so that we can go out there and rise where we are needed! We break and fall apart…our guts spill all around us, so that we can observe, all of us, inside out, look pretty much the same, don’t we?

For today, I challenge you, to live inside out. All day, no masks, no facades…no bullshit…just you. No sarcasm and no petty bullshit…today, you are mindful, so fucking mindful, that we are here to walk each other home. No blame and no judgement…no anger and no fear…today, we bring Christmas morning with us out of this healing space and we share with our world. I know this sounds crazy, but I challenge you to take this moment with you, all day today. I want you to stop what you are doing right now and play your favorite Christmas song…your all time favorite, best one. Even better, go to my FB timeline, and just tag me…with your very favorite Christmas song…let’s keep this going today…no words unless you want to, and you don’t have to share. If you want to though, I would love for my wall to blow up with your favorite Christmas tunes all day long today! That’s Christmas to me…today, is our day and we can do what we want! I want to hear your favorite Christmas music flooding my timeline…and go!!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Today we cut the ribbon…Welcome all, to Coral’s Healing Room…

Good morning everyone! Welcome to Coral’s Healing Room! I have been working my little bed bound ass off trying to get this page the way I want it! What do you think? Is it starting to come together a bit? Truly, your constructive feedback is always encouraged and appreciated.

I definitely have a vision for this page and a dream of my work in the world. I began this blog to begin to heal myself, to honor a place in myself that wants to write and heal and evolve and grow. I needed something. I desperately needed something. I needed desperately to do something I felt I was good at, every single day, to heal myself. I needed to purge and I needed to speak and I needed to stop trying to be anonymous. I decided, with absolutely no clue where to start, to start my own blog. I named my blog so that you could find me if you are looking for me and so that you could avoid me if you don’t want to find me. I am obviously visible and I opened my invitation, with absolutely no exception…the doors were cracking open and the light started pouring out of he darkness. Coral’s blog began to come to life…spitting and sputtering…I think I can, I think I can…

What happened next is the amazing part…the transformational part…the inspirational and the healing part…next…you showed up! You came to be with me as I struggled like I have never struggled before. You changed everything! You started coming for morning coffee with Coral. You started messaging me and calling me and YOU showed up in my darkness. You brought me back into the light. You loved me. You still love me. YOU all are my inspiration, my strength on many days and my rock. We built this room together! Coral’s Healing Room is our room, that we built together, in our pain and our struggles and our adversary. If you build it, they will come. I am building…we are building…they are coming…we are blessed! We are on time!

My 365 day commitment, to write to heal myself, has opened the door for substantial growth and healing for us all. There is something about knowing that we are not alone, that gives us strength we don’t have otherwise. There were some Hard reads in there, weren’t there? Some of my shit triggered your shit and we were a hot mess there for a bit, weren’t we? That all being acknowledged…that is why we are here now! We are here now because healing is more important than holding on to the hurt. healing is our right and we are ready to have us some of that. I know I am. I am listening to “That’s Christmas to Me” by Pentatonix all morning while I am writing…because this is Christmas to me…This transformation with you…That’s Christmas to Me…

That’s Christmas to Me

I am still figuring out how to add links, so if it doesn’t come up, pull it up and listen with me, will you? Let us celebrate this day together…and listen…

My Mom comes to mind and tears roll down my cheeks, as this song plays, as Christmas was her day, her contribution to the world she lived in. Christmas was her time and for all that she was not anywhere else in her life, Christmas was her time to shine, and shine she did! I am going to shine too! Today is Christmas to me and I sit here in my tears and a moment of silence, and I send my Mom, wherever she is, all of the love in my heart. I give that woman all I’ve got, in love and light, forgiveness and gratitude, to help to fuel her journey to where she is going. I love you Mom. Godspeed and may God himself wrap you up in love and healing. I honor you and your journey. I thank you for all that you are to me and I forgive you for all that you were not. I have never had the perfect words for you…you know that. I hope these work…I love you Mom. Fly free…Ive got this and Tamara’s got me. I’m good. You go do you…for probably the first time ever, you go do you…Ive got me. I am okay. I love you and today, I truly set you free. I pray you’ll stay close and visit me, that you will send me signs and help along my path, and I release you of any expectation I may still have of you though. Merry Christmas Mom…today I set us both free! I love you Mom. I have always loved you and I will always love you! Merry Christmas!

In this room, we do forgiveness. In this room, we do love. In this, our healing room, we are just walking each other home. I believe in the good things coming and I am so thankful for all of the good things already here. As we dedicate our healing room today, as we cut the proverbial ribbon on this new adventure, I wish each of you a very Merry Christmas!

Hey, thank you for being here and for making this space the best space ever! Thank you for taking this from healing from trauma to healing and being loved so deeply, in a space where we can always come to be together, you and I. I love you! I really do love you! Merry Christmas everyone! Merry Christmas Sherry! Welcome home!