Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Swimming in a big bowl of gratitude this morning ❤️

Good morning everyone and happy Saturday! I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned! I want to thank you all for all of your love for Aiden and his family. Love is where it’s at and so thank you!

As for me…let’s see if I can write anymore at all without Aiden or Robin or my mom chiming in for me this morning. I realized when the sentencing came down for Aiden on Thursday, that I have not been breathing for a while. I wasn’t even aware of it. And, I have been breathless way longer than Aiden. The night my mom was rushed to the ER, shortly before she died, I stopped breathing then. I stopped everything then. I stopped living and breathing. I stopped knowing who I was or what to do or where the fuck I was. The night my mom went by ambulance to learn of her fate to cancer, my world kind of stopped too. I’ve been puttering and sputtering along, to very little avail. Seeing clients and hugging…desperately trying to be a good friend and a good therapist and a good human being…I’m always a click off or a step just behind what feels to flow for me. My thoughts and feelings border on the edge of insanity and I desperately try to hold the middle. My love is deep and raging and untamed and inside of me that just feels mostly like confusion on some days.

Lately, I mostly feel that I am here to unlearn what I learned that does not serve me or make sense. To be honest, I am unlearning a lot. I am learning how to share my feelings and my thoughts and it’s kind of scary and intimidating sometimes. Sometimes my feelings seem too deep and too complicated and too far away and I get really discombobulated. Working closely with other people and their hearts and their lives and their stories can be a fine line and so I am learning how to walk it with more grace. Energy work definitely stirs energy and so I’ve been working on grounding myself better and setting up better protection around my own heart. The semi-permeable membrane between our thoughts and reality can be a very slippery slope and I am glad to be riding this one out a bit and realigning to my own center again. I cannot really explain the sensation of the work I do or the places I hold, other than to say that my life truly is a fucking trip!

I’ve learned that I have to fall in love with people and I have to let them fall in love with me. I have to hold them tight in the places where they don’t even want to be touched at all. If you’ve ever been in studio session or animal session with me, you know exactly what I speak of. There is a space in between, a “sweet spot” in our journeying. This spot is undefined and surreal and this is my pivot point. This is the spot that I work from. This is my desk and my work…this is how I lay it all out. It’s all love and love balancing. It’s all isotonic and isometric movements…subtle and intense and true. Precision based and intimate is my work to love us all home. I land in families and relationships and marriages. I become the object of many altercations within the psyche of those confronting themselves. I become the adored and the hated and I ebb and flow in and out of places most people dare not tread. There is good reason not to tread here. Here hearts are wide open and words aren’t needed. It’s deep and murky sometimes and boundaries aren’t clear like they are with words and with physical touch. In this place, it’s up to me to exercise boundaries and decorum and good judgement, to bring us all around to the other side. And so, with that all being said, Thursday when Aiden met justice, I took my first breath since the call that my mom was in that ambulance. My mom will be gone four years in December and my life is finally returning to me now. My thoughts, my feelings and my emotions and my touch with reality have all been affected by the loss of the woman who carried me in to this world and I will never be the same.

I feel myself and my work evolving and I center myself and mind my own breath. I am going to be going into some deep and murky waters and I feel that coming on. My work is taking me into the trenches to pull us up and out of this cesspool of shit that we are swimming in right now. We must know that until something changes, nothing is going to change. Until something shifts, we are all horribly out of balance running up and down our own unbalanced beams. We must slow our roll and intention ourselves into the lives we wish to be living. We are in a tizzy living lives we don’t belong in and doing things we ought not be doing, all simply because we have lost touch with ourselves and our own moral compasses. And…we have a choice. We can be kind and just and fair just as easily as we can be absent, unaccountable and irrational. Our worlds do collide and we can mitigate the impact by simply owning our own chaos in all of this. Anyway, amidst the noise and chaos lie all of the answers to the calm. Inside of each of us there is all we need, to be who we came here to be…and we have reserve to help others to summit too. All that ever really holds us back is ourself isn’t it? An “insular Tahiti ” inside of us all says Dr. Dyer. What are we doing with what we have inside us?

This morning I am grateful to be landing back into me a bit. It was a bit of a crash landing at first and its calming down a bit now. Thank God! Coming back into me and my life after being away for so long has its challenges and my struggle is currently real and active. As I find my own center again and slow us all down a bit to return to ourselves again, I feel a little sad leaving this space. Mostly though, I feel accomplished in knowing that I’ve a sacred job in this world and that God trusts me to go where others cannot tread, simply because I’m willing to go there.

So with all of the gratitude in my heart this morning, I thank Aiden and his family and Robin and her family and my family for trusting me in such sacred and vulnerable space, as I become who I am.

Most of all, to my beautiful and amazing partner, Tamara, thank you for holding me through this storm. Thank you for loving me just the same and no matter what. Thank you for sharing me with those who need me the most. Thank you for supporting me and honoring my work, even when it makes our lives more difficult and unmanageable. Thank you for loaning me out to be what others need in the absence of their others and for dealing with the ebb and flow of me falling in and out of love a million different times with my clients and their humans. There is absolutely nothing easy about this part of my work and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding me through the pain and hardship of it all some days. Most of all, thank you for being there when my world smashed into the ground and annihilated me and all that I was before my mom left. Thank you for never giving up on me or on us. Thank you for listening to my endless rhetoric about absolutely nothing, as I simply try to find my way back into the world I left when I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. Of all of the things in my life, you matter the very most to me and I love you with all of my heart and all that I am. I am so sorry that my words fail me with you. I regret that my communication skills are non-existent sometimes when it comes to you and I am working around the clock to hear you better and to speak less. Thank you for holding me through the pain and for loaning me out to love others. Most of all, thank you for always being here with open arms, loving me, when I return from wherever I’ve been.

Thursday was my first breath since we got the call from my Dad that my mom was in an ambulance to the ER to begin her journey of leaving us all behind. I feel like I literally just landed here and so please be patient with me as I find my parameters once again. I feel a little out of sorts so please be gentle as I acclimate again, to the life I was living before my moms heart stopped beating almost four years ago.

If you are still here with me, thank you. If you are not still with me, thank you.

Have a beautiful weekend and enjoy those who share your life with you. Playing soccer with Taos yesterday in Aidens red adidas shoes reminds me of who I am. Waking up this morning, I am grateful to be returning to me. Thank you to each and every one of you for all of your love and prayers and for always dialing up your love when it is most needed! I love you!!!

Thank you for the Birthday love! I love you right back!

Good morning everyone! Happy August 3rd! I had a beautiful birthday yesterday! Thank you to everyone who participated in my special day and for all of the calls and texts and messages and posts and love!! You all made my day with your love! Thank you! Thank you Tamara for a perfect day and for spending it with me! I could not be more blessed and I thank each of you for your part in my amazing life!

We went to Jemez and it was spectacular! Jemez and Taos have always been homes away from home. I feel so blessed to have been cleansed in her healing waters and washed clean of my sins and my transgressions. My time is Jemez is always very spiritual and healing for me. On my birthday, I felt particularly blessed to soak in her healing springs and to sit in her flowing river and to let it all just wash away.

At 8:35am, I did my birthday meditation and I wailed and cried as I missed my mom. It was primal and painful and raw. I felt my heart split wide open and shatter, as I listened to Cat Stevens, “Morning Has Broken”, as I do every year on my birthday. This year was different though. This year something broke loose and gave way. Something broke free and dislodged itself and I am so grateful. My birthday was such a big day for my mom and since she died, it has been a horrible day for me. Yesterday was different and I took my day back from the grief that I was hung up in, and celebrated being born and being alive. Thank you to everyone who helped me to do that. Yesterday was a beautiful day and I am so thankful! It is nice to have my birthday back from the depths of the grief that consumed it since my mom left this earth. I love you mom. Thank you for your subtle visits throughout the day yesterday, to let me know you were with us. Thank you Tamara for being such an amazing light in my life and Pilar of strength in my weakness. I love you and I am so thankful for you. To all of my amazing friends and family that reached out for me, thank you for all of your birthday love. Rocky thanks all of you for the birthday love also!

Moving forward in this new Coral year, I am making some life changes. I am going inward a bit more. I am to be contemplative, a bit more. I am going to read more and listen more and talk less. I am going to sit back and observe more. I am going to work harder and play harder. I am going to have a waitlist to see clients and every session is going to be epic and blessed beyond measure. I feel the momentum of my life taking off and I am so happy you are coming with me on this journey!

Manifesting my new work space and opening up to the universe for the clients I can help the most to return to healing and health. Opening up to being of service and to being available for those who need me and being off of the radar of those who cannot of will not help themselves. I have been spinning my wheels for my entire lifetime, helping people who have no interest in helping themselves, and so this year, I vow to only help those who reach for me to help themselves. Studio sessions will be much more flexible and available as I expand and become more flexible in my time and my work. So, all good news for those of you on a healing path forward…we are headed for all of the good things coming and into the light and love of healing and loving and growing into wholeness and wellness and love! I truly do hope that you will join me on this amazing journey forward!

Thank you again for all of the amazing birthday love! I am so blessed to have so many beautiful and amazing people in my life! Have a beautiful Saturday everyone! I love you!

I just sat there on that bench…

Good morning everyone! Happy Wednesday. I have tried to take some time to sort me out and as I re-emerge, I am struggling a bit. Struggling mostly to just do the next right thing in the midst of so very many wrong things that have gone before me. The struggle of losing so much has been so painful and I’ve contemplated suicide more than I care to acknowledge. I got to a point with all of this that I decided It would be best to just end it all, rather than to keep killing my self slowly. Even upon reaching that conclusion, I held on. I held on because I know I’ve work that must be done here. I held on for Tamara and for the animals and for many of you. When I simply didn’t value me enough to hang on for me, I held on for you. All of this holding on by a meager little thread has been too much…way too fucking much, too close to home…and too close to taking me from me and from all of you. We live in a world where life holds little value and so losing the entire worth of me wasn’t hard to do at all. I could have been dead in the next moment, mourned and buried and memorialized, in moments that followed and gone from your sight, all just like that. The pain got that bad and I got that hopeless. The hopelessness and helplessness and the depression…it all just got to all consuming and overwhelming for me and I nearly broke completely. In these moments, in this brokenness…I had to either give in and let it all go or I had to find my will to live again.

Yesterday was my turning point. Yesterday was my day to leave here or to start figuring out how to stay here. Yesterday was the straw that broke this camels back and I did what I had to do, to stay here with you for a while longer. Yesterday, as the tears overtook me and as the world around me just kept crumpling…as my heart barely beat anymore at all, I made a decision. I decided to start doing some mending and healing and to contribute to my own wellness a bit. I decided to detach from my past and from my story. I decided to be loving awareness and to actually be forgiveness, instead of just praying for all of that for us all. Yesterday, the break that had been cracking me in two, finally broke me and I landed on my knees.

I ended up at the cemetery yesterday, meeting my Dad for a spell. I have not seen or spoken to my Dad since January and I don’t go to the cemetery anymore. I saw my Dad on the bench when I rolled up and the dozen red roses in my moms vase. My moms grave was grown over a bit. No one seems to go there much anymore. There was a funeral taking place on one side of us and a funeral had just taken place on the other side of us. I remembered my moms casket setting up there, waiting to be lowered down like that. I felt the sting of that day, so many days ago, of burying my mom. Here I was, walking toward the man that I buried right next to her. My whole fucking life, in that cemetery, on that bench yesterday. As I sat there sweating and with a constant stream of tears rolling down my cheeks, I hardly looked at my Dad at all. I just couldn’t. I saw his white hair and I focused on my own shoes as I stared way off into the distance. A distance so far away from us that I couldn’t catch any simulation of normalcy from either side or from anywhere at all…I just sat there, on that bench reading headstones and trying to be attentive. The pain of it all though…the pain of it all just rendered me pretty lifeless and motionless myself. As I sat next to my Dad, on the bench in front of my dead mom yesterday, I realized that I was very far gone from myself. I told my dad that I just didn’t know what to do with all of this fucking pain. As I cried and tried to hold on to something, every single thing in my world just fucking left me. I literally sat there and melted and drained myself of me on that bench next to my dad. My Dad reminded me that I had to just let it all go…all of it. The abuse, the blame and the shame and the pain of it all…I just let it drain out of me. I haven’t known how to do that and yesterday I was finally able to do that. Sitting with the man who hurt me and whom I have hurt so much, in front of the woman who held it all together and who blew us all apart, I finally just came undone. In that cemetery, on that bench, with my Dad, we came clean. We fell apart a bit and we were quiet a lot. I felt myself longing to just be okay, to just be happy, to just be whole. I wanted all of those things yesterday, more for my dad than I wanted them from me. The wanting and the inability to rise from these ashes has almost destroyed me completely. The blame and the shame and the resentments have taken me from me, almost entirely. Whatever happened to me and to my life…to my family and to cause such fallout…I realized that it really just doesn’t matter anymore. Yesterday, sitting on that bench in front of my dead mom, inside of my half dead self, with my very broken father sitting next to me, I just let it all fucking die. Her, me, him…I just buried us all in that fucking cemetery yesterday. Actually, I buried us all with her the day they lowered her into the ground. I gave up, on everyone and on everything in my life, because nothing made any sense at all to me anymore. The loss of my mother, followed by the lost of my brother and my father, and my entire family…and I accepted all of that loss yesterday. It is finished. It is finally finished. Everything before me is gone and I have buried the girl who died in this tragedy, in that grave with her mother and her father and her little brother. I have finally laid to rest, my life and all that it holds, that no longer serves me. I have buried that little family of four on Kings Row and all of the hopes and dreams and ideas…the wants and the needs and the expectations of a lifetime. I have released my wants and expectations and I have removed my desires and my will from the man who I call my dad and from the man whom I call my brother and from the woman whom I called my mom. I buried the abuse and the inconsistencies…the doubts, the fears and all of the questions yesterday. That cemetery closed in on me and the world collapsed on top of me. I sat there on that bench as my entire life drained from me.

As we got up to leave, everything was fuzzy and faded and far away. I don’t know how I got to where I went after or to whom I spoke. I know I got there only by the grace of God, as a decided not to find a bathroom there and to go where I was expected for lunch. I arrived at lunch with my girl and my dear friend, who carried me some more, through all of this. I arrived home and I just broke into a million tiny little pieces. As all of this breaking off and letting go is taking place, I find myself just feeling like I want to be quiet and still. As I left that bench, I hugged my Dad for a long while before we departed. I got into the FJ and I felt myself to be sure I was still in my body. I still feel as though I’ve not returned to my body completely. Suddenly, and not so suddenly at all, none of it mattered anymore. None of it held any weight anymore. None of it mattered at all anymore. My dad and I are hurt people, who have hurt people and been hurt by people, just like every other people. My mom was a hurt people who hurt people and who was hurt by people. I am a hurt people who has hurt people and been hurt by people. My little bother and you and your own little brother, are hurt people who have hurt people and been hurt by people. I realized yesterday, that it’s what we do with all of this pain that really matters…not what hurt us and landed us here in the first place.

On that bench in the cemetery with my Dad yesterday, I just let it all go…all of it. The only thing left and the only thing that matters anymore at all, is what I am I going to do with all of this. What I am going to do with all of this is that I am going to lift it all up in prayer this morning…all of it…and ask for forgiveness and to be forgiven. I am going to send it all back to the universe, all of it, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. So, for each of us this morning, whatever it is and whomever you cannot seem to forgive, I lift you up and I ask God to take our burdens from us this morning, that we all might come clean this morning. I lift up my Dad, with all of my love and light, right into the hands of God this morning, that he and I sit next to each other once again, in Gods hands and be cleansed, forgiven and returned to wholeness. I pray for each of us this morning to come clean with God, to bathe and rinse and dry off in the sun, as we release the pain of a lifetime behind us, that we may make our way I to the light of this new day. I lift up every single member of my blood family that they also be washed clean and restored to Gods will and set down in love and light, that they may also detach from the disease and dysfunction of many lifetimes that has tainted us all. God, hear our prayer. Lord, lift us up and forgive us our sins and those who have sinned against us, that we may be lighter and brighter and ready to serve you. In your holy name Lord, I ask these things and offer myself to thee, to do with me as thou wilt. I ask all of these things for the least of us, for we are the most of us, that we may know that we are home Lord. Thank you, for everything Lord. Amen. And so it is.

I close this morning with all of my love and with all of my thanks and with a very humble and grateful heart, for all of the good things coming! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Sherry Lesson: You can always make taco salad!

Happy Monday everyone! I hope you had a beautiful day! I made red chili calabacitas tacos for dinner tonight. Taco Monday, as it were at our house! As I was preparing the shells, a Sherry Lesson came through. I wanted to share it with all of you.

I have always liked hard shell tacos. I just really dislike when the shell breaks while I’m biting into my taco. I especially dislike it when this happens on the first bite. Anyway, as a child, it was very disheartening for me. As the crack took my one piece taco, and rendered it a pile on my plate, my mom lovingly reminded me that I could always make taco salad, and eat it with my spoon.

Tonight, a life lesson, and a reminder from Sherry…when your taco shell breaks, make yourself an amazing taco salad!

In your life, in that beautiful little shell of yours, when you start cracking, always remember that you are only a broken taco…which allows you to be the most beautiful taco salad. Our cracks are where the light enters us, as Rumi reminds us. We are broken to take new form, and we are stronger when we rise from our ashes. When your taco shell breaks, make yourself a taco salad!

Have a beautiful evening everyone! I love you! Thank you for the lesson mom! I love you too!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mothers Day to all of the moms out there this morning! I hope you’ve beautiful plans today, to celebrate you! My whole life Mothers Day was so important…no matter where I was, I tried to be with my mom. I see that many of you are doing that also, and I wish each of you a blessed day with your moms!

All of my holidays, including Mothers Day have essentially lost the meaning they once held for me. They are all now “Hallmark Holidays”, as Tamara calls them. And so I celebrate each of you who still celebrate today and I send all of my love to you and your moms today!

Happy Mother’s Day to my beautiful and amazing girl! We don’t have children of our own and yet, we have more children than all of our children-having friends combined. We are blessed and we are thankful. I love you Tamara. Happy Mother’s Day!

Of all of the things that I know I could not do well…I know I could not be a very amazing mom. I have never wanted to have children and my attempts at step-parenting were epic failures. I lack the patience and the tolerance and the know how to be a good mom. I lack the skill set and the empathy one needs to raise children. Somewhere deep inside of me, I have always known that I just did not have what it takes to be a mom. I love children, don’t get me wrong. I just know I’m not cut out to be a parent. So…it is fair to say that I have some mad respect for those of you who are. Thank you for parenting our children and for taking your mom job seriously. Thank you for putting in the hours and the fears and the tears. Thank you for doing what I could never do. I appreciate you and your ability and dedication to being the best that you can be at a job that offers no pay and no guidelines what so ever. Plenty of benefits, no doubt… and plenty of sleepless nights….plenty of lessons and lots of blessings. Possibly the most important and the most thankless job that one could have, being a mom. Thank you moms for all you do for all of us. I hope you all have a beautiful Mother’s Day.

Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom in heaven on this day. I find myself wishing for one more day…one more conversation…a few questions answered…a bit more time with her. Today feels as though she has been gone forever or never here at all. Today feels empty and a bit sad for me, as I miss my mom. Today hurts as I go on without her and as I try to make sense of things that only she could explain. Happy Mother’s Day Mom. Thank you for bringing me here and for doing your best and for letting me carry you home. I love you. I miss you and I hope you are happy and free and content wherever you may be. Happy Mother’s Day in heaven to all of our moms who left us too soon.

Happy Mother’s Day eve…

Happy Saturday everyone! I am glad to be returning to this space a bit. My life has been a bit unmanageable and I have lost my way. Today I begin again. This morning I wake anew to begin a new day, in the light I want to stand in and share with all of you. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and so I wish all of you moms a happy Mother’s Day. For all of us with moms in heaven, I send you all of my love. Whether you couldn’t live with her or whether you can’t live without her, Mother’s Day is a rough day for some of us without moms. Moms are human beings, being human, just like the rest of us, with much higher expectations on them, just for being moms. As far as I am aware, moms don’t get a manual when we come into this world, so to each of you who gave it a go, all of my love. Holding dominion over these precious beings in Sanctuary poses some questions and lots of research and I cannot imagine trying to be a mom. Emotions and childhood trauma creep in and being in charge of their wellbeing becomes a lot some days. Worrying that I will do it wrong or miss someone…it’s a lot to remember and to process and to keep up with. So, thank you to all of the moms who take their parenting jobs more seriously than their salaried jobs…to all of the dads and moms who love and support them through the trials and errors and pains of parenting. I thank you for taking your role seriously and for parenting the children you brought here. I have mad respect for each of you for taking a step and filling a role that I never could. Happy Mother’s Day to my mom in heaven and to each of you who are moms down here. I have no idea how you do it and I thank you for doing it just the same. I hope your children do something amazing for you tomorrow!

As for Tamara and I…we have decided to lay low here with all of the motherless beings that live here with us in Sanctuary. No one here has their mom, not even us. We came in with her and then we have to learn to figure it out without her, just like they do. Ahimsa has been here a year…Hondo has been here for two years and is 26 years old. We are all someone and tomorrow will be what it will be for each of us. I don’t know if Ahimsa or Hondo miss their mom…I can’t tell if Brixen misses his mom or if Samuel pines after his mom…I know some days I sure do miss my mom. Some days, not so much…Mother’s Day though…almost every year she was here on earth, I was with her and every year since she has been gone, I have struggled without her. Our moms…we only ever get one…and on this day, I am thinking about my mom. I am thinking of all of my mom friends and I am loving the shit out of you ladies! Truly, I have your faces in my mind and I love and appreciate the work that you are doing and the love that you are teaching our children. Thank you for taking the time, and for assuming the risk and the liability and for having the heart to do what so many of could not do. Happy Mother’s Day eve ladies! I love you!

Tamara sees her doctor on Monday. I am so proud of her for getting through this so gracefully. Truly, take the word cancer, all by itself…just that all by itself…and add it to your face and then imagine five trips back under the knife to clear margins during MOHS procedure and then add 65 external sutures to close her up after reconstructive surgery…no lifting, bending and no increased blood pressure or emotional upset…no laughing or crying or emotion, for risk of permanent damage to her face …no exceptions. Oh, and if she does lift or bend, she could cause permanent nerve damage to the muscles in her face, which could be irreversible. Ya, I am fucking proud of this girl! I am honored to be her life partner and her best friend and her lover. I will ask again, for each of you to send her all of your love and healing energy…your hugs and your prayers…your smiles and your love…this has taken my girl further down than I have ever seen her and I ask you to lift her up with me. Depression is a relentless and needy and obsessive bitch and I ask you to invite her to leave with me, as she has served her purpose here. We are ready for some reprieve from her grasp and we are ready to laugh together again and to work together and to be together again. We want our lives back and so on this day, I invite our sadness and depression to leave us, that we may more effectively do our work in the world. And so it is.

Thank you for loving us through this. We have so many amazing things happening and we have had to place it all on hold while we navigate this. We have a lot to catch up on and I suck at social media, so we want you to know that we miss you. We know we are a bit absent right now and we want you to know that we are healing and will be back very soon! Thank you for holding space and for loving us like a verb during this time.

Have a blessed and beautiful day everyone. Thank you for loving us through this and for surrounding my beautiful girl in love and healing light. I love you!

A message from Teddy this morning…

Happy Saturday everyone! Welcome home! Thank you for all of the love for Teddy. My life is better for the years I spent walking next to him. What a beautiful soul. What a gentleman. What a friend. What a loss for my heart this morning as I head out to see Teddy’s family, without Teddy this morning. These moments in my work remind me why I do what I do in this world. I have been gifted, blessed and loved and I’m going to share my gifts as much and as often as I can. The break in my heart where Teddy exited is the light that I enter into this morning.

On my way to work on Thursday morning, I hit a squirrel. The squirrels name was Peter. I locked down on my brakes and I swerved, to no avail, as my tires ended Peters life. I was destroyed. I was wailing in agony. I had to hit Peter again, as I did not want him to suffer. The pain in my heart as my tires rolled over Peter again. I was crushed and destroyed inside. The agony of taking a life consumed me and I wept. God, did I weep. Peter came to me and told me that he had run in front of me on purpose…that fifteen years here was quite enough. Peter told me that he saw me swerve and miss him many times before, in our truck and in our Jeep. Peter killed himself on Thursday, under the weight of my FJ. Peters life ended at my hands and I cried. I drove home and Tamara came to me. I collapsed in my carport and I wept. I sobbed. I hurt so badly for wha I had done. Peter was 15. I was late to my client, as I tried to compose myself. I made it to my client and so saw Teddy. My heart shattered again.

Teddy was to join his friend Peter. Peter left just before Teddy to prepare a place for him. Teddy held on for as long as his body would let him…all for the love of WC, his beautiful father. Teddy’s love for WC is unmatched. When Teddy knew that WC was going to be okay…when he knew that his Dad was home and safe and well…he was able to shed his broken body. Teddy waited for his Dad and then Peter waited for Teddy. Peter and Teddy are with me now and they send all of their love to us

Teddy day this to us this morning…I got here swiftly. I was accompanied by my traveling companion Peter. Peter shared my dog bed in a stuffed squirrel body, so that I could find him when I left here. I am a sight hound with bad sight and so Peter came with me to show the way. I see perfection now. I am perfection now. A gentleman and a scholar, I lived my life in greatness. I bit a child once and I never was quite okay again. I felt bad. I don’t feel bad anymore, as I now know it was the way of things. My mom is love and I learned a great deal by watching her love and move in the world. Coral, Hannah and Gypsy day hello and please tell Alice I’m still there, so don’t mess with me! And Penny, be nice to my sister. Only I boss her. And Dad…you’re doing great. I’m your angel now…your guardian Teddy dog, at your service. I know that you don’t like to pray, so I talked to God and he said it’s fine with him if you prefer to say, Dear Teddy…I will always give him your messages and his to you. I’ve gotta go or Coral will be late to work on my brother and sister.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. Thank you Peter and Teddy for coming to see us this morning!

Sherry Lesson about dreaming the dream. Coral And Tamara lesson about living the dream.

Good morning everyone! My post is inspired by a conversation… probably a number of conversations, with Tamara, about building the dream. I know a lot of people talk about building the dream. We have a friend who lives to save animals…a beautiful and devoted and true and wonderful soul…and she has a quote that we use often (I may be paraphrasing a bit)…”You don’t have to win the lottery to save animals. You just have to save animals.” Thank you for this, our beautiful friend. I pull this out of my toolbox all the time! This speaks to us on a soul level, as it encompasses the work we do here at Santuario de Karuna. We save animals. We are too busy living the dream to play the lotto. The odds of winning the lottery…in other words…the odds of you ever living your dream, if you are waiting to win the lottery, are extremely low. You know that though, right? You know that you give yourself next to zero chance of living your dream if you rely upon living the lottery to do so. My mom and Dad religiously bought lottery tickets, as long as they have been able to in New Mexico. I am not kidding, twice a week, as long as they could, for as long as I’ve known, with their “lucky” numbers, they played the lottery. No matter the payout, they had it pen to paper, spent their lottery winnings. Taking care of family, traveling…a place to live here and a place to vacation there…clothes and jewelry and cars….and that is how they dreamed their dream. At the casino, in Las Vegas…the same thing…the odds were low and they just knew if they kept playing, they would be the next winner, and then they could live their dreams. After they retired, they could then live their dreams. My mom was admitted by ambulance to the ER the night before she was to retire, from a job she hated for over 20 years, with stroke symptoms, unable to get off of the floor. My mom did not have a stroke. My mom had stage four breast cancer, with metastasis to her liver, her lungs and her brain. My mom died two months later. My mom never won the lottery. My mom never won a jackpot big enough to fund her lottery tickets or her gambling, let alone her dream. My mom never spent one single solitary moment in retirement. I venture to guess that my mother never spent one single solitary moment. My mom died at 66 years old dreaming about a dream that she was doing nothing to build. My moms dreams were so far out there that she only ever dreamed what it might be like, to actually live her dream. How many of us are doing that right now? Truth. How many of you are living like this right now? Working in a job or a career that you fucking despise, waiting to retire and live your life…trying to win the lottery to solve your life’s problems…and missing your life all together…what kind of dream is that? Any one of these things may be a sign that YOU ARE DREAMING a lot MORE than you are LIVING the dream. My mom didn’t have any idea that she was doing this. This is a Sherry Lesson by the way…Sherry sent this to you, through me, this morning. Sherry missed this lesson and she wanted to gift you with it, especially those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about. If you knew Sherry at all, you knew these things about her. My mom openly said that she went to the casino to escape her life. I never knew what that meant or what she was escaping exactly. Hell, I went with her to escape my own sometimes. I went with my parents to Vegas yearly and I loved our trips. I even played for hours and hours, trying to win and solve my financial woes (by dumping my limited funds into a slot machine…go figure) and I really thought they If I put enough money in, eventually, I would hit the big one. I did not and my mom did not and my dad did not hit the big one. These things were not healthy. Sherry walked around like she had it handled and like this behavior was not at all what it was…gambling is gambling my friends. Sherry gambled a lot, not just at the casino in Las Vegas. Sherry gambled with her whole fucking life…waiting to live the dream, dreaming about it, instead of getting out there and living her dream. This is not to say that Sherry did not live her life. This is simply to illustrate that dreaming is not living the dream. Sherry spent her lifetime waiting to live until she retired and dreaming of living the dream when she finally did. May God rest her sweet soul, and may she finally Rest In Peace…now that she can be free to live her dream, wherever she may be!

We all have choices. I am learning a lot about myself through these Sherry Lessons. I hope that you are learning a lot too. Sherry sends them to make us better, and because she loves to hi jack my blog also! Thank you for the visit and the beautiful Lesson this morning mom. I love you.

So…as I was, before I was so gracefully interrupted…go out and LIVE your dream

Did you know that President Barack Obama was awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between people.”? Wayne Dyer said that having the dream was enough to win the Nobel Peace Prize, because it all starts with the dream. You don’t have anything if you don’t first have the dream. It all begins with a dream. Santuario de Karuna began with a childhood dream…Tamara’s childhood dream. Dreams are US in action. We must act, for our dreams to come true. We must be hungry for our dreams. And…we will get dirty and messy and busy. We will be in constant action. Living the dream is like loving…it’s a verb my friends.

Waiting to live your dream for the lottery or retirement or until you have the money…will never, ever manifest the actual dream. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr….President Barack Obama…Tamara….they had a dream! What is your dream my friend? What is your dream?

Have a beautiful day everyone! Go love and live your dream like a verb!!! I love you!

My name is Coral and I am five years vegan tomorrow!

I am sitting here in the studio with Nahko on Shawn’s Birthday, and I was remembering that the last time I ate my friends. Tomorrow is my five year veganversary! It was March 9th 2014 and My mom made my brothers favorite meal…my mom made her famous enchiladas. My last non-vegan meal was my moms ground beef enchiladas, smothered in cheese. My brothers birthday meal was my very last non-vegan meal. Five years ago something shifted for me and I want to write about that this afternoon. I didn’t stop eating animals because I didn’t fancy the taste of those enchiladas. If you ever had my moms enchiladas, you know what I am saying. They were the best enchiladas I have EVER eaten! And her birthday cakes…I didn’t stop eating those because I didn’t like how they tasted. I have to tell you that I stopped eating animals because I finally realized that I was eating animals.

My name is Coral and I am vegan. This is my story and I hope it teaches you a thing or two, as my life has taught me, a thing or two. I was so fucking disassociated that I truthfully had not made the connection, that I was eating a once living, breathing sentient being. Ground beef enchiladas did not equal our beautiful cows, Karuna or Ahimsa to me. We didn’t have Karuna or Ahimsa back then. Chicken fajitas weren’t Piñon. Lisa and Janet and Negro weren’t chicken tacos. Bacon wasn’t Sidney. The pork chops that I ate were not named Jenny Sue or Brixen. Namaste wasn’t a slab of ham on my plate and I wasn’t eating the ovulation of Lisa and calling it my breakfast. I wasn’t waiting to slaughter Samuel and Duncan for Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn’t stroking my lucky rabbits foot and making a wish. I wasn’t eating goat cheese on my crackers. I hadn’t made the correlation that all lives matter. I didn’t get that the lives of the sentient beings on my plate mattered at all. I thought they came here for me. I was so fucking ignorant that I believed that these beings came here for my gratification…to satisfy my tastes and my hunger. Five years ago I did not know that my food was actually the Caracas of my dead friends. I was eating dead flesh. I was drinking the bodily secretions meant for baby cows. I was eating the period of a fucking chicken for breakfast every day, with a side of crispy Tombstone. I was fucking asleep! And the worst part was that I had absolutely no idea that I was asleep. Only a couple of months sober from alcohol, I was definitely a hot fucking mess back then. I was so asleep and tuned out that I was about to be on an adventure like no other. I was beginning the journey of waking up…becoming conscious and aware and concerned. I had no fucking idea then…I was about to be transformed! I had no idea that I was so asleep. I could not have known how disconnected I truly was.

Five years later and I will tell you this, I will never not be vegan. I will never eat my friends again. I will never not know what I have come to know. I have come to know that their lives matter. Every single one of their lives matter. There are more carcinogens in the food that many of you eat than there are in the cigarettes that some of you smoke. Did you know that? Cigarettes have warning labels. The 40 pounds of raw chicken that you just bought is going to kill you quicker than the cigarettes are going to kill the Marlboro man next door, peering at you over his oxygen tank. Don’t believe me? Do your research. And now that we are outsourcing our food supply, so you really think what you are eating is safe? The disconnect is real. That 40 pound tray of chicken that you just bought…those chickens were someone. They were someone. All hacked up on a slab of styrofoam and shrink wrapped, slapped with a price per pound sticker and thrown in your cart. We are so disconnected.

We are raising children. We are teaching classes. We are in leadership roles and in animal rescue. We stand in pulpits and we preach peace. How can we rescue dogs and cats and eat cows, pigs and chickens? Your fucking bologna did have a first name. How do we preach peace when we eat the slaughtered remains of sentient beings? We are disconnected my friends. We are so disconnected.

Five years ago, I began to connect the dots. I began to question things that seemed wrong to me. I began to give a shit about someone other than myself. I set down my carne adovada burrito and I ate my last poached egg. I stopped buying leather and I made different choices. I started to give a shit and I mean really give a shit about other beings on this planet. Five years ago I stopped eating animals because I came to know that they are not mine to eat or to wear or to exploit.

As my brothers birthday lunch came to a close five years ago, I could never have foreseen how drastically our lives would shift. I could not have known that I would never eat another animal again. I could not have known that my mom would get cancer in a few months and die. I could not have known that our dining room would occupy another family that they wouldn’t welcome us. We don’t sit at that table as a family anymore. We are not a family anymore. I could not have known that I would be giving up some things and others would be taken from me. I gave up eating my friends. I lost my mom to cancer and my dad to someone and someplace far, far away from me. As I cleared those dirty dishes and washed the carcass of my friends into the trash, one last time…I could not possibly have known how my life was about to change. As I kissed my mom goodbye and hugged my dad under the garage door…as I hugged Shawn and JiSan “goodbye” and I drove away on that day…I could not have known all that would come to be of my life. We never truly do know what life has in store for us. We do run out of time. We do. People feel better somehow if we don’t run out of time…and so they say that we don’t. I am here to tell you that we actually do run out of time. So, make it count. Your time…your decisions…make them count. Be mindful of what you put into your body. If it shits, don’t eat it. Truly. For me, that was an easy gauge. I hope the simplicity of this helps you also, because it is that simple. If it has a face and it shits, it’s not yours to eat.

I am blessed to have learned that animals have just as much right to be here as I do. I am grateful to live in Sanctuary with so many beautiful and sentient beings. You may be astounded to know that I can eat whatever you eat and I can eat it vegan. If it’s not vegan, I won’t eat it at all.

My depression fucks with me a lot lately. I am struggling to stay afloat. Being vegan beings me some peace, as I know I have changed the world for some of them. I will spend the rest of my life fighting for the rest of them. For you see, we are all someone, not something. We each have every right to be here. If my depression takes me, at least it wasn’t someone else deciding that I was food, not friend. Truly, when did we decide that we got to decide for everyone, how things are? We have dominion over…we do not have control or reign or power over those without voices. Who told us that we had the right to crucify species after species after species for our own consumption and convenience? We did. We decided that we have no rules and they have no economic value…so fuck it…we decide. Look at us, deciding and shit. Egotistical, ignorant, insensitive and greedy as fuck…is the mentality that my appetite is more important than your life, isn’t it? I mean truly…that is some entitled and ignorant and ass backwards thinking and we are wrong. Plain and simple. We are wrong to slaughter millions of sentient beings for our own gratification…for sport…for our hunger and our taste in clothing and furniture. We cannot make this right…we just can’t. Excuses abound and generations pile, one on top of the other…doing it the way we have always fucking done it. Let me ask you something…How is the way we’ve always done it actually working for us? How is this entitlement and this superiority working out for us and our human counterparts? All you have to do is look around you to see that this isn’t working at all.

You will never catch me competing with you. Every single day though, you will see me fight like hell to be better than I was yesterday. From whom much is given, much is expected. I owe a great debt to the powers that be for my existence here, for my place and my peace and my work here. The debt can only ever be payed forward and it cannot ever be paid with the life of someone else. We each get what we get when we get it. Five years ago, I got it and I am forever changed. Go vegan. Truly…for yourself, for your health, for the planet…for each other…for your kids. I was pretty ignorant and naive…fuck, I still am…I would like to think that I have made a difference though, for someone, by being here.

Living a compassionate lifestyle includes more than eating a vegan diet, just as being sober means more than abstaining from drinking alcohol. When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. Friends, not food. Five years not eating my friends has softened my heart and I am so thankful. Five years of learning about the sentient beings in my life and cohabiting them…I cannot imagine how I was ever so thoughtless and reckless and careless. Being more connected now, I shudder at my own disconnect, for I knew not then what I have come to know now.

My life is blessed. I am blessed. I hurt, a lot. Depression keeps me struggling, until it doesn’t. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. Sometimes, I wish I were riding my bike around the block with my little brother, for hours and days on end…going everywhere and nowhere at all. Some days I really do miss my little family so, so much that it throws me into the abyss that swallows me for days. Depression seems to be the one thing I can’t just fucking quit…and every single day, until the day I don’t, I will battle it out. Being vegan has given me a lot of someone’s to fight for and so as best as I can, I stay. As much as I am able, when the calls come and I am needed, I answer. Getting out of me is the only thing that seems to save me at all, in times where I can’t get myself out of the abyss.

Five years ago, I started speaking for them and fighting for them and loving them like a verb. With the love and compassion and guidance of the most amazing vegan I know, I have learned so much. Thank you Tamara for loving me into compassionate space and for helping me to make more compassionate choices. Five years ago my life changed forever. My name is Coral and I am five years vegan tomorrow! For your soul, I encourage you to think about being vegan too. You will not know why you waited so long to assume a lifestyle that does not harm others. Your body will look and feel better. Your heart will open up. You will be better able to look in the mirror…I mean to really look in the mirror. Best of all, no one gets hurt for your appetite. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got today on being vegan. Inspired by my five year veganversary tomorrow…A post for us all to wake up and soften our hearts. Don’t trust me. Go out and try it for yourself! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

Thank you for your service Little Red! I love you!

Good morning everyone! I am happy to announce that we sold Little Red on Sunday! It was bittersweet driving her to her new home in Santa Fe. Every other trip to Santa Fe, Little Red has accompanied me home. For many years Little Red has been my brave companion of the road! We traveled many miles together and took many trips together. If loving Little Red is wrong, I don’t want to be right! I am so grateful for the gift my little Brother gave me all of those years ago, when I lost everything I had except for my house. Shawn signed her title over to me and made her mine. Sunday I signed her title over and made her new owner very happy, when I made Little Red hers. New to me vehicles are the best…all nicely broken in and personalized…and all yours to discover! Enjoy getting to know Little Red and thank you for loving the animals so, so much! It may sound ridiculous, and so I’ll say it loudly and with all of my heart, I’m really glad that Little Red got a good home! I want Little Red to have the best rest of her life too! Thank you for your service Little Red! I love you my dear old friend!

I am making a personal donation to the fundraiser that Chris set up for a new Sanctuary truck for the animals here at Santuario de Karuna. Little Red sold for $3000 and I am donating $3010.00. I am doing this for a very specific and simple reason, and it is this; All gave some and some gave all. Little Red was all I own outright in this world, and I struggled to let her go. I need to pay off FJ (that’s her new name by the way…FJ), and so I listed Little Red on Craigslist for half of what I owe on FJ. I sold her for $3000 and held her for three weeks for the guy who wanted her so much. I got a call the night before I was to sell her and he could no longer buy her. At first, my heart sank. I am pretty attached to FJ you see, and I’m letting go of Little Red too. I was in the midst of losing any security I felt that I had. I really wanted to use that money towards getting the title to FJ. As often happens to me, my best laid plans are derailed. I was driving home and as clearly as anything ever, I knew that Little Red did not belong to me. Little Red was gifted to me and many people helped me to care for and maintain her while I had her. To Shawn and everyone when helped me to maintain her, thank you so much! My Mom and Dad put a lot into her too and so letting her go feels like letting go of a piece of both of them, which is probably the true reason I had such a hard time letting her go. Having lost them, letting her go felt like losing them all over again, in a way. Thank you Mom and Dad and Shawn and countless others who journeyed with Little Red and I. Truly, I needed you and you came through. Thank you. I have been so blessed…so, so blessed. To whom much is given, much is expected, as Tamara always reminds me. So it is with great pleasure and with all of my heart that I donate all of the proceeds from Little Red and one of the last dollars in my bank account, to get a new truck for the Sanctuary. My first ever large donation of $3010.00 to Santuario de Karuna, to go toward the purchase of a new truck for my very dearest friends here at the Sanctuary! I even had to call my bank and have a supervisor override my spending limits! Who knew?!

On behalf of my little Brother Shawn and myself, we donate the proceeds from the truck that became not only my transportation, but also the Sanctuary truck for as long as she could keep up. When I had no way to get to and from work, Shawn gave his truck to me…free and clear and without strings. I pay it forward now for the beautiful beings that I share my beautiful life with, here at Santuario de Karuna. Thank you Shawn and Little Red for bringing color and beauty to my world. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be gifted, and for allowing me the feeling of gifting her forward.

To everyone who has donated so far, thank you, from the bottom of our hearts! We love you! Please keep sharing and donating to help us to reach our goal. It would mean the world to me if you could help us to get the animals their truck! Thank you! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

Check us out on Facebook at Santuario de Karuna and donate there! You are welcome to come out and meet the animals, schedule a tour, become a monthly donor, become a volunteer. We would love to have you be a part of our compassionate community!

Each of us has a choice every day. Moments present themselves and we are called to act. I was gifted an opportunity to see firsthand that from whom much is given, much is expected. Tamara has said this to me many times and I get it now. Thank you baby. So, so many lessons and so, so many blessings for my girl and I lately.

Godspeed Little Red! Thank you for the hundreds of thousands of miles that you traveled with me! Thank you for getting me to and fro and for keeping me safe and warm for all of these years! Thank you to a very generous and beautiful friend of the Sanctuary, who purchased Little Red, to help the animals of Santuario de Karuna!

Have a beautiful day everyone! Be the change you wish to see in the world! I dare you!