Happy Sunday everyone! I am thankful to be here. I am thankful you are here too. I don’t have much this morning. I have an early client and then hitting a meeting. Meetings and clients take my time and focus lately and I am so thankful. Being in the bars for so many years, it is odd how making time for meeting seemed a struggle at first, and still seems so at times. Making time for what is important isn’t about the time, is it? I mean, it’s about us doing what is important and making time to do it. My sobriety is important…more important than anything else. Without my sobriety, nothing else will matter. Without my sobriety, I’ve no relationship. Without my sobriety, I’ve nowhere to live or to be. So, for me, making time for as many meetings as I can squeeze in…that’s what I’m going to do. I will blow 90/90 out of a 60/90 meeting commitment from my sponsor before I will go down that road again. I will do what I must to stay as I am and get better before I don’t do what I must and fall off of this wagon. Life is for the living and I don’t live very productively when I drink. Hell, I am struggling now in this dry drunkenness! I struggle with this relentless fucking ego and I struggle with my own will and letting go and letting God. I fucking struggle, just like everyone sitting in these rooms. Unlike some, I’ve held on to my sobriety and just lost sight of working the program. I dry drink with my stinking thinking and my action and inaction on things. I become complacent and co-dependent and depressed and hopeless, and such has surfaced in my life enough, to get me working this program like my survival depends upon it. My survival and my sanity, my health and my relationships…my life is riding on me right now, to do what is right and true. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.
We are a sick bunch indeed. Alcoholism is a relentless disease. Alcoholism combined with mental illness and depression…now that’s a fucking cocktail right there my friends. Our stories and what we were like…that’s what keeps us coming back, because some our stories are fucking nightmares. We have lived and survived hell that many will never know or imagine. Our families called us drunks and losers and pathetic…worthless wastes of air and space. We were discarded to our addictions and left to figure it out ourselves.
In my sobriety, I am learning the sickness and the alcoholism and mental illness that exists in my family. The terror and the control and the fear and the constant fucking rhetoric. The blame and the shame and the failure. Yes, my family has always been the first to tell me what is wrong with me…Coral you curse too much, you drink too much…you talk too loud, too much…you’re too quiet Coral…Hey man, fuck you guys! Truly…fuck you guys. Why in the fuck did you put a bottle in my hand before I could fucking speak, and then spend my entire life berating me for it being there?
We have to begin to really know that we are sick. Go grab a copy of the big book…and read “The Doctors Opinion”….truly, go to a meeting, check it out and grab a big book. But Coral you say, I’m not an alcoholic. I hear that…here is the thing though…I am an alcoholic and you are my friend, my wife, my boss, my neighbor…go get the book…join me for a meeting…get to know my disease. Why in the fuck would any sober person want a big book, you ask? Here is my answer… we don’t fucking know each other, except for maybe superficially. We don’t want to…or it gets too fucking deep, too close, too hard for us. We ought to know about A.A. We ought to be telling others about the rooms and that they can get what we have too! We must know that we love people who have the disease of alcoholism and we don’t know anything about their disease. In many cases, we don’t even know alcoholism is a disease. Alcoholism is a disease and we are some sick fucking people. You know what we are doing that many don’t do though? We are getting well and we are lifting each other up and we are loving the shit our of each other, like a mother fucking verb. Do you want what we have? Are you willing to go to any lengths to get it? A.A. works if you keep coming back, because you’re worth it. We must know that every single one of us is worth it.
This morning as I roll out of my bed and onto my knees, I thank God for my sobriety, for my amazing life and my beautiful wife and for all of the amazing people who love me. I thank God for the open and loving arms of A.A. and for always leaving the light and the coffee on for me. The light and coffee are on for you too, you know? I hope to see you in the rooms. That is where you will find me for a while, until I can stand on my own again. Going on six years without a drink, this girl is one-stepping her ass right back through that door…to stay sober, to stay safe, to be loved and welcomed home. I thank God for the rooms of A.A. and for getting me back into my chair there.
Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you.