Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Happy Sunday everyone! I am thankful to be here. I am thankful you are here too. I don’t have much this morning. I have an early client and then hitting a meeting. Meetings and clients take my time and focus lately and I am so thankful. Being in the bars for so many years, it is odd how making time for meeting seemed a struggle at first, and still seems so at times. Making time for what is important isn’t about the time, is it? I mean, it’s about us doing what is important and making time to do it. My sobriety is important…more important than anything else. Without my sobriety, nothing else will matter. Without my sobriety, I’ve no relationship. Without my sobriety, I’ve nowhere to live or to be. So, for me, making time for as many meetings as I can squeeze in…that’s what I’m going to do. I will blow 90/90 out of a 60/90 meeting commitment from my sponsor before I will go down that road again. I will do what I must to stay as I am and get better before I don’t do what I must and fall off of this wagon. Life is for the living and I don’t live very productively when I drink. Hell, I am struggling now in this dry drunkenness! I struggle with this relentless fucking ego and I struggle with my own will and letting go and letting God. I fucking struggle, just like everyone sitting in these rooms. Unlike some, I’ve held on to my sobriety and just lost sight of working the program. I dry drink with my stinking thinking and my action and inaction on things. I become complacent and co-dependent and depressed and hopeless, and such has surfaced in my life enough, to get me working this program like my survival depends upon it. My survival and my sanity, my health and my relationships…my life is riding on me right now, to do what is right and true. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

We are a sick bunch indeed. Alcoholism is a relentless disease. Alcoholism combined with mental illness and depression…now that’s a fucking cocktail right there my friends. Our stories and what we were like…that’s what keeps us coming back, because some our stories are fucking nightmares. We have lived and survived hell that many will never know or imagine. Our families called us drunks and losers and pathetic…worthless wastes of air and space. We were discarded to our addictions and left to figure it out ourselves.

In my sobriety, I am learning the sickness and the alcoholism and mental illness that exists in my family. The terror and the control and the fear and the constant fucking rhetoric. The blame and the shame and the failure. Yes, my family has always been the first to tell me what is wrong with me…Coral you curse too much, you drink too much…you talk too loud, too much…you’re too quiet Coral…Hey man, fuck you guys! Truly…fuck you guys. Why in the fuck did you put a bottle in my hand before I could fucking speak, and then spend my entire life berating me for it being there?

We have to begin to really know that we are sick. Go grab a copy of the big book…and read “The Doctors Opinion”….truly, go to a meeting, check it out and grab a big book. But Coral you say, I’m not an alcoholic. I hear that…here is the thing though…I am an alcoholic and you are my friend, my wife, my boss, my neighbor…go get the book…join me for a meeting…get to know my disease. Why in the fuck would any sober person want a big book, you ask? Here is my answer… we don’t fucking know each other, except for maybe superficially. We don’t want to…or it gets too fucking deep, too close, too hard for us. We ought to know about A.A. We ought to be telling others about the rooms and that they can get what we have too! We must know that we love people who have the disease of alcoholism and we don’t know anything about their disease. In many cases, we don’t even know alcoholism is a disease. Alcoholism is a disease and we are some sick fucking people. You know what we are doing that many don’t do though? We are getting well and we are lifting each other up and we are loving the shit our of each other, like a mother fucking verb. Do you want what we have? Are you willing to go to any lengths to get it? A.A. works if you keep coming back, because you’re worth it. We must know that every single one of us is worth it.

This morning as I roll out of my bed and onto my knees, I thank God for my sobriety, for my amazing life and my beautiful wife and for all of the amazing people who love me. I thank God for the open and loving arms of A.A. and for always leaving the light and the coffee on for me. The light and coffee are on for you too, you know? I hope to see you in the rooms. That is where you will find me for a while, until I can stand on my own again. Going on six years without a drink, this girl is one-stepping her ass right back through that door…to stay sober, to stay safe, to be loved and welcomed home. I thank God for the rooms of A.A. and for getting me back into my chair there.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic…

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Happy Thursday everyone! I’m not going to lie man. I’m worried about some of you! Truly. I want you to be well more than you do and I do not fucking get it! I see you…your worth, your potential…I see you and you don’t. I love you and you don’t. I want you and you don’t. I value you and you don’t. This has to stop my friends. This has to fucking stop! We cannot save the animals or the voiceless amongst us if we are inaccessible to our own selves, can we? We cannot truly embrace the broken in our midst if we do not right ourselves. We are broken. We are broken and we need to take some down time and mend ourselves. We need to do this now so that we can rise the fuck up! Those beatings you took…I took them too…the words and the disregard…I hear it too. Here’s the thing, those beatings do not define us unless we allow them to. Those words are our fuel and our momentum, if we will just allow them to be. This hell is the platform to launch us into the heavens. Like it or not, we are all we’ve got! We have to take care of us so that we can advocate for them. We must realize how important and instrumental we are in their fight. Before we can begin to do any of this, we must love ourselves as we love them. We must offer ourselves the same compassion that we offer them. We must love one another. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

I come here some days and I just fucking can’t. One too many snickers as I pass by…one too may disappointments because of my own expectations. One too many trash cans slamming down on my fucking head. I just can’t some days. Today though…today, I fucking can and I will. Today, I will come here and write for us all. Today I will talk shit and today I may offend you. I will call you out and call you up. What the fuck are you doing? In the bottom of that fucking bottle, what in the fuck are you doing? Besides lying about it, what are you doing to set it down? Truly…look at you, lying to us and thinking we don’t see right through you. Look at you, lying to you, and fucking buying it. Jesus man, come the fuck up here and let me see that tear-stained face. Lying to me is nothing…I just won’t. Lying to you though…you won’t make it out of this alive if you don’t fucking stop. You are going to lose it all if you do not set that fucking bottle down. Your home, your husband, your car…your job, your wife, your freedom…you are pissing it all away and I cannot help but to stand here and beg you to fucking stop. Those pills you toss in your mouth…you know the ones not prescribed for you…ya you. Look at you. Just fucking look at you. Can you even see you anymore? Because I cannot. I cannot see you anymore. I feel you and I love you and I fucking miss you. Do you miss you? Between the lies and the hiding, the mania and the fallout, that you blame on everyone but yourself, do you miss you? I am here to tell you that your absence is noticed. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

We are all sick. Many of us sicker than others. We all have our vices. We drink. We eat. We smoke. We gamble. We fuck. We fight. We are not so different from each other. We all have our own demons and they fucking come for us, don’t they? When we finally fall too far, they are right there waiting for us, to pull us down and rob us of our own souls. Aren’t you tired of this? Are you not so fucking exhausted by all of this rhetoric? Don’t your lies nauseate you as much as they nauseate the rest of us? Truly…where is your truth man. Your truth. Not mine. Not hers. Not his. Where is your truth. Why are you here? What are you doing with your life? My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

I am not mad at you. I’m not disappointed in you. I just fucking love you so much. It pains me to see you so busted. It kills me to see you hurt. I hate watching you fall apart. I hate seeing the people who love you the very most hurting at your behavior. Truth is, you’re kind of an asshole man. You aren’t thinking of anyone but you. You do not even see the wreckage in your path,do you? This road you’re on…it is not going to end well if you don’t pull yourself together. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Hi. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I am sick like you. My thinking stinks, like yours does. Your stories are triggering the shit out of my own, for I also am an alcoholic. I hate to see you this way and I’m kind of upset with you right now. I’m not going to lie man. I am rooting for you and I fucking love you and it hurts me to the core to feel your pain. I know you’re sick. I’m sick too. I want you to have what I have, and I am so sad that you won’t come with me and get it. I am not PC. I will never be PC. So I’m just saying it how I see and feel it. I mean no disrespect and I’m not trying to step out of bounds. I am not mad. I am just really, really sad that you don’t see you as I see you. I am really sad that you do not love you as I love you. I am really crushed that you don’t love you enough to stop destroying yourself. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. You are my friend and I am worried about you. I love you and I am here for you.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.