Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

A couple of really important Coral lessons this morning…

Before I begin my blog this morning, I want to address yesterday’s blog for a moment; I wrote about my experience of going off of my prescribed medication, without the care of consult of my PCP or my therapist. I had therapy yesterday and my therapist was not impressed. I will leave it at that. My friend Sigrid asked me to make this clear and so I make clear that, not only is it not recommended to go off of any prescribed medication, ever, without consulting your prescribing physician, it could be deadly. It could have been deadly for me. I cannot say what caused me to sink as low as I did, and to let those closest to me know, that I was afraid that I might not pull through this time. I will say that it likely could have been My abruptly going off of my medication, combined with my chemical imbalances and mental disorders. At any rate, and without exception, please do not ever do as I do. Do not go off of your medication without consulting the person who put you on it. I made and error in judgement, that could have cost me my life. I am sorry and I did not do so consciously or on. purpose. Thank you Sigrid for bringing this to my attention so that I could be very clear about this. Do not ever go off of your prescribed medication without medical consult! Deal? Truly, please hear me and be more responsible than I have been in this regard, okay?

I stepped into her world to save her from our world,

For our world cut her you see.

I crawled into her den to love her because I took her from her den mate.

I licked and nursed her wounds. I held her in her pain. I woke with her in confusion.

We tamed one another. We, entangled in the bear den, just to survive the night. We became one, baby bear and I.

She, feral and untamed. Dreadlocks and fresh wounds. Distant and painful eyes, seeking my help.

And I, with not one knowing of what to do…We, just baby bear and I, and Sam…I called Sam…we had to figure it out.

In the car, she cried. I prayed and asked Sam to crawl back there with her while I drove us home. At home, we got her out together, into the night sky. We stood in the driveway and we cried. We had to pee and we did not. We went into the studio to wait for help.

Feral and frightened and drowsy and confused…cut 12 inches wide open and closed with staples, the bear and I stood weary. We stood that way for a long time. Baby bear cried. Mom cried too. Mala wailed in anguish. I asked Alexa to go get Enya. We spent a LOT of time with Enya. Enya could not drown the cries of the baby bears. Enya could not soothe the broken hearts of babies separated from each other for the very first time. Yes, hearts broke in the studio that night and baby bear and I stood in the not knowing of what we had just entered into.

The hours turned into daylight and the daylight turned to dark. Fourteen times, we saw that cycle, baby bear and I, from a box in the driveway that housed us and kept us warm and safe together. The studio disappeared and the forest was seen through the windows mostly. We saw the forest, through the trees, on daily visits to see Mala Bear and on potty breaks. We saw our friends sometimes. Mostly though, we saw each other. Momma Tamara was a constant companion in the baby bear den and we really missed her every time she had to go.

I sit here now, in the baby bear den, without my baby bear…my new and dearest friend. I sit, not in my studio, for we left it as it was. We, baby bear and I, ran back to our own lives. We hurried to them because we missed them. We could breathe our own air again, and we could shit comfortably in our own toilets again. We could lie in our own beds tonight and we would be next to our true loves once more! Hallelujah!

It was wonderful to be home! Fourteen days and fourteen nights without a girl, well, I was happy to be home! Our bed…you have no idea!!!! Hallelujah! Tamara and I did not share more than an hours or so drive from Santa Fe together, except in passing, for the last fourteen days.

Mala cried and laid in wait for us to come out into the driveway. When Mala saw Nahko she cried and she shook and she broke. Every time we walked away, she broke again. To bear witness to this…to feel this…well, it changed me. It softened me. It broke me too. I shook too. I cried too. I only knew to do for Nahko, what I wish someone would have done for me when I hurt, when I was scared, when I was sad without my brother. I wanted comfort. I needed love. I needed touch. I did not get those things and so I don’t know if I did it right, I did my best, so I did it perfect, says Sam. Thank you Sam. I did those things I never got for Nahko. I loved her my very, very best. I slept in her bear den with her until she fell asleep. Sometimes I stayed after, just to watch her sleep. I fell in love with Nahko Bear and Nahko Bear with me. It felt nice to love so much.

Nahko Bear and I loaded into the Jeep yesterday to go and see the vet. The vet says Nahko looks great! Her healing is amazing! Her staples were removed and she was released back into her life. I returned to mine.

On my way out to a client, I stopped by to lie a moment with Nahko Bear, in she and Malas baby bear den, on my way out. I wanted to check her tummy and give her some love. I missed her already and I could feel she missed me too. We were like old friends, rolling around and laughing together. Mala Bear came to join and I was so happy! Together again, at last. And out of nowhere, Nahko went for Mala and Mala went back for Nahko and I laid in between and kicked them apart. I was stunned at first. I was still on the ground next to Nahko and she went to lick me. It was then that I realized that Nahko was protecting her new cub, as we had switched worlds now. Nahko protected me from her sissy. You cannot know what that is until you know what that is. What that is…that is heartbreak. Tamara has come running out and we separated them. We all came down a bit. I had to go to work. I returned. I fed them their dinners apart. Nahko followed me everywhere. Mala was so sad. I was so sad. I knew what I must do.

As excited and honored as I am to have been accepted as a pack member, I am not. We are not members of their pack. We, if not checked, can fuck up the hierarchy of their pack. We must only ever be, the leader of our entire pack. We must not remain in the role of a pack member. I knew that in an instant and I cannot not know it now. For me to be so moved, to have been chosen, would destroy a sisters bond. I have become invisible for the sisters to repair themselves and to learn their new places. That shall be between Nahko and Mala. Tamara and I always lead the pack and must never be in the pack for too long. To be invited in and to have to leave…well it mixes honor and heartbreak. The deepest love and loss of that love, on a level that knows no words, that you will ever know, in the shortest amount of time. A beauty to behold and a heartbreaking you’ve not known, until you’ve known it. Even then, every break is a bit different.

So, in the baby bear den, not yet returned studio, I fight back the tears this morning. Fuck it, I let the tears fall all over my screen this morning! For I miss my baby bear. The den is empty and I must be invisible for a while. My heart breaks down here this morning, as I pull back from one of the greatest loves that I have ever known, to allow the love that belongs, to be…between sissy and sissy, baby bear and baby bear. I am not a baby bear, although it sure was nice to be an honorary baby bear for fourteen days and fourteen nights, in the baby bear den I made for Nahko Bear, under my drafting table in the studio.

Sometimes, when we love someone the very most, we must do the very hardest work of all. We must love them enough to take our hands off of them. We must let go and let them do their work. After finally being invited all the way in, we must quietly and gracefully bow out. As I do this this morning, my heart breaks and I ask you for your love and prayers for Tamara and I, as we do this dance again. This dance if getting so close and pulling back. Most of all though, please send all of your love and prayers to Nahko Bear and Mala Bear that as they return to their world and we return to ours, that they find their way peacefully back to each other. We love you baby bears! Welcome home Nahko Bear!

Nahko Bear slumber party number 11 and counting…

Happy Monday everyone! Welcome home! I am so glad we are all here! Truly…just look at us! We fucking made it! We made it to today! How many of you thought you might not make it to today? I am so glad you never gave up! I am so happy to see your beautiful face! I love you so much!!! And for being HERE…thank you…for never giving up, thank you…for loving yourself enough to stick around and see what the fuck you are made of…I applaud you! We have fucking got this! Fuck depression! Fuck Cancer and Fuck Depression…just fuck you guys! Go somewhere else…like back to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. Be gone now…on your way…bye bye. I banish the way that these things affect, me from my life experience. And so it is!

Nahko Bear and I just had our eleventh slumber party in the studio last night. These days and these nights…this silence and this grace…this rest and reset space and time…napping with Nahko…putting everything she needs before my own…being still…and did I say silent…this time with Nahko has blessed me beyond my own comprehension, and I am so grateful. Nahko is recovering nicely and being a very good girl! We are blessed beyond measure to have the baby bears to watch over everyone here at the Sanctuary. We love you Nahko Bear and Mala Bear! Thank you for keeping us all safe!

I work with dogs and live with dogs every day if my life. This time with Nahko Bear has been different. Like two kindred souls in shared space…not canine and human…just souls…just us. I know being here with her is bringing me home to the other five dogs up the driveway. I know being apart from our family has brought our family closer together. Somehow, absence of the things we love the most, really has made my heart softer and fonder. Nahko Bear is gentle and strong and steadfast and loyal…obstinate and true to herself…guarded and wide open…serious and playful…sleepy and bouncy…and always love. There is always love radiating from Nahko Bear and so I have been bathed in love and I am so fucking blessed!

On a side note, because I love you…I want to tell you about our new soap for the Sanctuary! I just showered with our new “Karuna” soap that Earth & Anchor creates for the Sanctuary! This soap is the most amazing soap I have ever used. Truly, it is an androgynous soap and it balances masculine and feminine perfectly! This soap suits me and I thank David and Deidre for being love like a verb when they created this soap for the animals . I feel the love in this soap and being clean is a nice bonus too! The best part is that 50 % of the proceeds go to the animals. What a wonderful way to support the animals you love so much, right?! Anyway, you should get you some! I’m just sayin…sharing is caring and I want to share this soap with everyone! Off of my soapbox about our soap now 🙃

As I was saying about slumbering down here with Nahko Bear…I feel blessed. I choose to feel blessed, rather than to feel put out. I feel quiet and still and so I am quiet and I am still. I pray and I meditate and then I sit quietly and just be. I wouldn’t have allowed myself the time to do this had Nahko Bear not needed me to be down here with her. Things that we look at begin to change when we begin to change the way we look at things. Even in depression, I will ride these waves of inspiration and clarity into my own healing. And so it is. I pray for you, the same…that you may find your peace and your contentment in all things and that your heart may always be full. We are here to walk each other home and so on my good days, I’m going to blow us up as high as I can! I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day!

Oh, and we have soap! Not sure if I mentioned that or not…check us out on Facebook at Santuario de Karuna. We would love for you to be part of our compassionate community! Have a beautiful day!

Welcome home!

Spring forward into Sunday!! Happy Sunday everyone! This is the first day of the week…of daylight savings time…of the rest of your life! I am so glad you are here! I really hope you like the new space. I have been working hard to clear some energy and set some positive intention in here.

I have been working on my blog while homesteading in the studio with Nahko. It is pretty surreal to think that this is actually my blog…something I did. I look at it and it feels like someone else’s page. I begin reading and it feels raw. I posted all of my drafts yesterday, so we begin anew this morning. Everything previously published…all of the past and the memory…the horror the torture and the abuse…and the blame, so, so much blame…the whole lot of it…I release it all now, back to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I pray that it has served you and helped you to grow. I pray for my own power to release it all…every single last shred of it…I let it all go this morning as the sun rises. Today I am done dragging the pain of my past along behind me. This morning, at dawn, I rise. Today is my first day to be who I decide to be. If you are still here, thank you. If you are not still here, thank you. All is as is should be and I am at peace with that.

This space has become sacred to me. This healing room has become a church for me. I feel like we started out in a small circle on a basketball court, on the gym floor, with our morning coffee and blankies. Look at us now…in sacred union together…in healing space together, having morning coffee together once again. We aren’t on that gym floor anymore, are we? We are in sacred sanctuary now. So, grab that cup of coffee and your blankies and let’s get to some healing, shall we? I am going to grab my tea and I will be right in! Get comfortable and squeeze in. We are overflowing this morning! No worries though…we have plenty of room for everyone in this space.

I would like to start this morning by asking you guys for a quick favor, if you don’t mind? If you do mind, don’t participate. Easy enough? What has this space become to you? What do you come here for every day? What needs are met for you here? These are things that matter to me, and so I ask you, how can I help you? Is there anything you would like to read about or know about? Do you need one on one time with me in this actual studio space? Do your animals need someone sacred to facilitate their healing and continued wellness? I have added all of these options in the “pay now” section of my blog, for those of you who need my services. My words don’t really quantify the experiences I offer. My credentials do not really tell you who I am. Maybe your words will though…I mean to say that maybe your words will help others to know what I do. Maybe you can write a testimonial that will tell others who I am to you? I mean, would you mind writing something for others, about how working with me has helped you? Ok just throwing that out there this morning. I took most of my description of me, out of this page. I don’t believe I can define my work as well as you can. So, with that being said, if I have helped you or your animals and you don’t mind writing a brief testimonial about your experience, I would really appreciate you! It matters not who you are to me…a client, a friend…a follower…if I’ve touched your life and you have a moment to share, I would really appreciate it. You can email your testimonial to me at the following address:

Iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com

Hey, thanks so much! Truly, I am really looking to put myself out into the world and to be available to you. So, thanks for helping me to let people know who I am and what it is that I do! It always helps me to read reviews and testimonials before I make decisions about our animals and our Sanctuary and ourselves, so thank you for taking the time to help me with this. If I may use your name, please say so. If you would Ike to be anonymous, please indicate that also. That wraps up the office-keeping stuff, so to speak. Now, back to us, and this space this morning. I am so glad you are here!

I have had a LOT of time down here with Nahko Bear to just be. In this studio space, we are just being together. Healing and laying and sleeping…we aren’t really “doing” anything. We are down here being done. We are sacred beings, traveling together in temporary bodies. We are souls in this space, carrying each other home. We nap in the baby bear den under the drafting table and we go for afternoon walks to see Mala Bear. We stretch and we cry and we just are. We go out to potty and we come in and we sit together for hours. We say nothing for hours. Nahko and I don’t need any words. We are treading on sacred ground down here and we know how blessed we are. This time, once passed, will always be a sacred space for us both to return for love and strength for the journey. We will never lose the bond we have built from this time of healing and solitude and time, just lots and lots of time, together. My life has moved into sacred space. I occupy sacred space. I am sacred space. Being with Nahko Bear in the studio for a slumber party that spans almost two weeks, is bringing us both home again. We are blessed and we are grateful. I love you Nahko Bear! Thank you for being here with me. Very soon baby girl, you will finally be free to be you! Without the confines of these walls and with your body healed and strong, you will be Nahko Bear, in all of your beautiful glory! This time with you is priceless to me. I love you Nahko Bear.

Yesterday I lost it a little bit. Feeling a little pent up and like I’m missing a lot of special moments in my life, I spun out a little. As soon as it came on though, I let it pass, for I am right where I belong, doing exactly as I need to be doing. There is nothing, there is no one…there is nowhere more important than right here, right now, with Nahko Bear. And so it is. We are al like that you know? We all know what really matters to us…who really needs us…how we want to show up in our world…we know who we are. Our challenge is to allow ourselves to be that…whoever that is…Who are you? When no one is looking and when no one is there but you, who are you? Thank you Nahko Bear for mirroring me and for showing me a little piece of who I am and what I am made of. You are glorious! You are majestic! You beautiful and you are perfect Nahko Bear! I thank you for sharing sacred space with me, and for walking me home. I love you Nahko Bear!

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! I look forward to reading your testimonials! I thank you in advance for your help with this. I love you!

Happy Birthday Shawn!!!!!

Good morning everyone! First a baby bear update: Nahko and Coral slumber party number nine is on the books! Nahko Bear is doing so, so well and we are so proud of our girl! We go to the vet on Wednesday for her post op follow up, so please keep the love and prayers coming. Mala Bear is going out of her mind without her sissy. Anyone who believes that animals do not feel pain has not been sitting with one crying until the other one finally stops crying. There is no consolation for pain and separation like losing the one whom you love more than anyone else in your life. Our girls have only ever known each other and so this has been excruciating to watch. Momma and I are so proud of you baby bears! Very soon you will be reunited and it will feel so good for all of us! I am sitting in almost constant silence, napping in Nahkos baby bear den and resting more than I would have given myself permission to rest. We are blessed. Every day, in every way, we are so, so blessed. Thank you for your love and prayers for our baby bears as they get through this very difficult time of separation from each other.

Today is a very special day to me. Today is my little brother Shawn’s Birthday. Happy Birthday Shawn! Forty three years ago I was waiting anxiously for my Mom and Dad to bring my baby brother home from the hospital. My Mamma and I were making and eating mud pies in the backyard when Shawn finally came home from the hospital. Be still my little heart. Just look at that perfect little boy! Look at my baby brother! I will love him for always, the best I can. I promise. Thank you God. Thank you. I promise to love him always! He is perfect and just who I asked for! Thank you God! I love him! Thank you! My conversation with God went something like that, for God just bestowed upon me, my greatest gift.

All of these years later, and I still thank God for my baby brother every single day. Today I woke thinking of you and tonight when I lie down I will be praying for you. Every day I carry you with me in my heart.

Shawn and I have had a rough few years. Losing our Mom three years ago and being fairly estranged from one another made the pain worse. I felt the loss of my mom and my little brother so deeply and so profoundly. For our whole lives our Birthdays were the one time that we all committed to being together, no matter where we were, if we could. The four of us always tried to honor our birthdays as sacred. This is yet another thing that left with my Mom. I am coming to an acceptance of it and yet I still cling to the way it made me feel to be a part of my family. Today, for me, reminds me that I am not all alone, for today is my little brothers birthday. No matter where he is and no matter where I am..ever…we will always be with one another. We have always been together, even when we felt so far apart. Some days I forgot this and I grieved as though he had passed away too. Today, I thank God for his return and for our continued healing. Happy Birthday Shawn. I love you!

If you have a sibling, I’m sure you can relate to a love that knows no words. For me, and I am of many words, there are not adequate words to describe this love. I will try though, for today is my little brothers birthday.

You were so little and I was so proud. Your big sister and my little brother. Your sparking eyes and your angel smile. A smile sent down from the heavens by God himself. Tiny fingers and toes and tears and laughter. Smelly poops and funny faces. Temper tantrums and squealing. Soft blankets and smelly food on a rubber spoon. Sleepless nights and laying for hours in your baby blanket in the middle of the floor. You laughed a lot. It was more of a giggle. Your cheeks were rosy red and you were so, so happy to finally be here. I don’t know from where you came…you were not of this world. You were kinder and more gentle. You were fragile like an angel fallen. You were more innocent and less inhibited. You were my special and my salvation. Your coming here gave me everything to look forward to. The years grew us closer and the miles never kept us far apart. The chaos wasn’t lost on us and yet it never really was us. The sadness inside of me stayed lit by your smile. My loneliness was lifted by your presence. You were my everything from the moment I knew you were coming here. It is like I knew you would save me somehow. You did, you know, save me. When nothing else of my entire world remained at all, you walked back in. When it all came crashing down, you reached for me. When every single other person left, you returned. Today, especially today, as I write and cry, I thank God for you. God gives. Thank you God for Shawn. Lives separate and coming back together. Memories. Motherless. Who ever thought we would be..just you and I…here? We aren’t big enough to be on our own. We aren’t old enough or strong enough to make it without them. Ahhh, and yet we are. We are strong enough. We are still here. They have gone from us and we stand here before us. We must know that this is something. We must feel that this is special. On your birthday, know that you are perfect. Every other day, know that you are perfect. Today, I celebrate you. Today I remember the day you came in and I thank God again for my greatest gift. 43 years ago I asked God for a baby brother just like you. Thank you God. Happy Birthday Shawn. I love you little brother! Have a beautiful first birthday of the rest of your life!

Happy Saturday everyone else! Please say it with me…”Happy Birthday Shawn!”

Nothing anyone ever does will be good enough for those who do nothing at all.

Monday ended and Tuesday began with Nahko Bear and Silly Sigrid…Tamara and stillness in the chaos. Our ears have been flooded with Enyas soft and soothing sound, as we soothe Nahko and tell her that Mala Bear has got her and we have her. Even Enya cannot mask the cries of her sissy up the driveway. An afternoon visit is surely in order. Nahko Bear sure does miss her sissy Mala Bear so, so much.

Nahko Bear has a king size bear bed under the drafting table while we take up residence down here for the next eight days. Nahko Bear has her follow up on Wednesday, March 13th and cannot go up stairs, (to our house/her house) until then. We have had five slumber parties so far. Last night with Silly Sigrid was like a late night tea party. Our studio is small for a Bear and two sillies and so I crawled into the baby bear den with Nahko Bear. What a beautiful night of intermittent slumber, in the arms and covered in the fur of our baby bear. This is a great way for me to literally work on her 24/7 and give her exactly what she and her healing body need. Right now she snores in peaceful slumber and my hear is full. Life with a baby bear is a blessed experience for sure. All of these moments worth other moments, as her life and her well being do depend upon us. I get that on a level I never got that so deeply. I hug Nahko Bear when she cries because her meds make her drowsy and render her unable to do her job. I get it…that horrible feeling, so I lie with her awhile and hold her and tell her it will be okay. Hearing Malas cries she feels far from home and I feel that way too, so we lie together in the home inside our home. We hold each other in the darkness and watch the world under the light at the bottom of the door. Nahko Bear and Silly Sigrid became fast friends and Nahko cried when silly left.

Everyone should be so blessed to have a silly friend who will come for slumber parties. Few know the love of a partner who truly means it when they say to take what you need. Tamara and I are living the dream. We really, really are living our dream. Bears in the studio…goats in the living room…pigs and dogs and cats…ducks and chickens and Hondo if he would only fit, all welcome as they need to be in our inner sanctum. Many, many of you…welcome in our inner sanctum…and you know what? That’s a lot. There are 44 souls in this space…not even accounting for the ones who roam and crawl and run and fly free here. Did you get that? Forty four souls…all in Sanctuary, all healing, all here for the best of the rest of their lives. Tamara and I are counted in those souls, as our souls presence here make possible the work here. I would kindly remind anyone who has forgotten and enlighten those who do not know, this is our home and when you come here, call here…well, we live here. If you can’t help us, we understand. I will ask and actually insist that if you cannot help us, that you not harm us either. Trying to help Nahko to heal or Duncan or Ahimsa…is very difficult when we are not well ourselves. So I ask that you keep that in mind in dealing with Tamara and I…we are living the dream here. Simply for that reason, we cannot be in your drama…any of it. We have so much responsibility here and we are so blessed. Everyone will be cared for, without exception. When we have fundraisers, it is because that is what we do as a non-profit, we raise funds to support the animals. Donate if it moves you to do so. Don’t donate if it doesn’t move you. I will always share our fundraisers and our events, as that is our life’s work. If it bugs you, don’t look at it. Easy Peasy, right? Nothing anyone ever does will be good enough for those who do nothing at all. Just keep that in mind and at heart when you speak. I’ve pondered it much lately…and this is how I feel. Truly…those of us doing something are often annoying to those who don’t have it in them to do anything of much at all.

I am down here with my thoughts, sketchy internet, no plumbing and a lot of time to heal and meditate. In this process and with Nahko Bear, Tamara and Silly Sigrid by my side, I will write a lot. As I wrote, I remind us all that I come here to heal. I write to get it all out, rather than keeping it all in. Please take what you need and leave the rest. My journey, intertwined into yours, and your into mine…we are one, you and I. We would do well to remember that.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I’m off to slumber with Nahko Bear in our sacred and healing space. Thank you silly for visiting us for pizza, tea and a slumber party! We love you! Nahko Bear misses you and sends her love.

Happy Tuesday everyone! I love you!

Waking up next to baby bear…

Good morning everyone! Happy Monday!

Nahko and I are getting the hang of this studio living! Last night was a good night for sure! Nahko went with Tamara and I yesterday to Santa Fe and she did great in the Jeep! We got home and she was so, so tired. Tamara and I got some time together and I am so thankful for that, as this has us seeing each other in passing. I miss my girl. Nahko is resting peacefully now and I am grateful. I know this is not easy for her…not being able to do her job and what not.

So Nahko and I spent our fourth night together last night in the studio. So strange how this blessing came disguised as a dilemma. So beautiful how life flexes and how we ebb and flow when we are willing to see things differently.

My life is in the process of examining itself a bit. My taste for things has vanished. My craving for honesty and integrity has intensified. My introspective is in progress. My desire to know me is burning. The time has come for me to release my past entirely, for all that it was and for all that it was not. All people and places…associations and traumatic triggers…all of the hopes disguised as expectations…all of the unrelenting pain…the disappointment and the disgust…all of the turmoil and trying to be someone I’m not…all of it…on its way out. People who help space and left gaping holes….released now, for once and for all. Dreams that amounted to only the days I spent dreaming them…releasing them now.

And so I turn within. Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you.

And the baby bear sleeps!!!!!

Happy Sunday everyone! Nahko and I are happy to announce that we slept last night! And Nahko is eating as we speak! And we just had our morning pee! These are the things that life is made of…these little celebrations that I often find myself too busy to celebrate. I am so blessed to be here with Nahko in the studio…so, so blessed. I feel that there are many lessons for us and even more blessings for us in this recovery and healing time together. Nahko is a gentle and wonderful teacher and I am blessed to have her.

The flip side of being in here with Nahko Bear is not being there with Tamara. I miss Prajna and Taos and Aliah and Rocky and Karma Kitty and Mala Bear too! Nahko and I see Karuna and Ahimsa a lot more though, which is wonderful! Tamara and I are good at flexing and we are getting better at it every moment!

Yesterday a volunteer canceled at the last hour. I got the text as I was hurrying home from a client and Tamara was in the studio with Nahko Bear, waiting for me and the volunteer to get there. I lost my composure for a moment, I won’t lie. ‘Twas Tamara who brought me down and reminded me of something I think we could all benefit from hearing. And so, I share it with you now.

When people volunteer here at the Sanctuary, it is a privilege to do so. To be here, in this space, with these amazing beings, in Sanctuary, is a privilege. There is nothing that will not get done if no one volunteers, that must be done. Everyone will be taken care of and have food and water and shelter. And Tamara is not wrong. Thank you for reminding me of this baby. Volunteer work is personal growth work and a privilege to have the opportunity to be a part of! Being of service is the blessing. Do what you love and love what you do. We are thankful, grateful and blessed up in here!

Right now it will be getting done with one arm behind our back, so to speak. Yesterday, over 600 pounds of feed was moved, multiple Sanctuary posts went up and in honor of National Pig Day, Sidney had beautiful reflections posted on our Facebook page, 42 beings were fed twice and watered. Pellets were hauled up the driveway and the pellet stove cleaned and lit. Dishes were done and dishes were done again. Laundry in progress and all in her PJs…4.9 miles and a lot of those miles uphill…and all I could do was sit in here listening to Nahko cry and watching my girl give it all she had. Tamara was ready to drop and she did not drop. Nahko needed me and everyone else needed Tamara. Tamara has never once not had everyone here, including me. And then the Jeep left the driveway to go feed our neighbors donkeys. The Jeep rolled back in and a short while later, Tamara walks through the studio door with dinner for me. One more time down the driveway so that I could potty and get ready for bed, give everyone a quick kiss and tuck them in for the night, my girl, exhausted in her PJs, kissed me goodnight. So if you ever think that one person does not matter or make a difference, I am here to tell you that you are mistaken. You do matter. You do make a difference. Don’t deny yourself of your health and happiness by not showing up and participating in your life. Volunteers volunteer for themselves, for their souls evolution and progress.

Nahko Bear needs one of us all of the time for a while, and so it is. We are so blessed to be able to love her how she needs to be loved. Asleep by my side, Nahko is so glad we are able to love her like that too.

Never give away your happy. Truly, just don’t fucking do it. I’m preaching to the fucking choir here and I’m the first to know that. Depression grabs me by ovaries that I don’t even fucking have anymore and twists them and wrenches them and crushes them under her feet. There is no mercy in depression. There is no fucking reprieve from the abyss that consumes me when PTSD and depression battle it out. I’m a fucking puppet and nothing except for helping someone else saves me. I was in such and abyss, in such a deep, deep abyss standing at VCA Thursday night picking up Nahko Bear. Nahko suddenly needed me a lot more than depression could hold me. Coral grabbed her PTSD and called Sam up to help her care for Nahko perfectly, as Sam is perfect. I was saved from myself and my own demons as I came to the aid of another. I was back here and now because Nahko Bear was hurt and she needed all of me. Thank you Nahko Bear for needing me so much that I had to come out of the abyss to help you. Nahko Bear has done far more for me than I could ever possibly do for her. Thank you Nahko Bear. Thank you Tamara for being as you are, for loving as you do. I love you baby! You are amazing!

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! Get out of yourself and be of service today. It may save your life. God knows it has saved mine many, many times. I love you!

Slumbering with a baby bear in the studio…

Good morning everyone! Nahko and I had a much better night last night, as she was finally able to sleep, and so was I! We call Mala and Nahko the baby bears. They are so wonderful, so beautiful and so peaceful. Being in space with Nahko is helping me to come home to me. An unanticipated retreat into sacred space with one of God’s most beloved beings…I quickly came to the blessing and I worry not one bit about the inconvenience or the imposition or how we will manage 10-14 days of recovery. I decided to make this my most sacred and important task for the next two weeks. As I slumber with our baby bear in the floor of a studio gifted to me by my mom and dad before she left this world and he left my life, I thank God for Nahko Bear. As I listen to Nahko in the background, I thank God for Nahko, for he has inspired my journey and opened me to myself also. Meeting Nahko in Denver over New Years will always be one of my most beautiful moments. I love you Nahko. Nahko Bear is your namesake. I hope you don’t mind.

I rescheduled my week and we rescheduled our lives to be sure that our girl gets what she needs most…our love. Nahko Bear is teaching me how to love her so that I too can learn to love myself the way I need to be loved.

I am so grateful for the work of a beautiful Shaman who laid hands and energy on me and who helps me to unwind and see that I am perfect. I see you in my dreams, obscured and ever present as I change my thoughts my brother. I traded bodies and lives for yours for a brief moment so that I could see my own self clearly. Your eyes took me in and welcomed me to myself. In your eyes I saw my own. In our souls journey, you walked me into the depths of myself. I am forever grateful and eternally thankful to the man that I simply call “My Shaman”.

To my clients who are always so flexible and wonderful and home to me…thank you for seeing me before I was able to begin seeing myself. Thank you for flexing so that I can be with Nahko Bear as much as possible for the next two weeks, as we heal and journey home together.

Nahko thanks each of you for your love for her, as she is resting well and healing nicely. Nahko and Mala got to see each other briefly this morning. Seeing them miss each other and cry for each other stirs a lot of emotion in me right now. Feeling severed from my own family ties gives me empathy that I wouldn’t have otherwise had, and I am so thankful. We will do our very best to be sure that Nahko and Mala know that this is only temporary and that they are both safe and home. I didn’t get it, until I got it, that animals feel as we feel and hurt as we hurt…fear as we fear and cry as we cry. I am grateful to know now. I know better and I will do better and I am grateful for the insight.

Nahko Bear and Mala Bear…our baby bears and the Sanctuary guardians could really use all of your love while they are apart as Nahko heals. They both send you all of their love and thanks for loving them so, so much.

Have a beautiful Saturday everyone! We love you!

FUCK DEPRESSION

Good evening everyone! Nahko and I are here to tell you that we survived the first 24 hours! What an amazing being our girl Nahko is! So powerful and resilient and so, so down and out. Momma Tamara and I have been with her around the clock and we will be with her until she is out of the woods. I miss my girl, and damn we are so blessed to do what we do. A quick kiss in passing as we keep our commitments and love our girl Nahko, through this. Another sleepless night as we hold each other and our babies through their trials and rough patches. A few minutes of slumber here and a couple more there and we could not be more blessed, for we are doing our work in the world.

I have been gone from here. I have been gone from myself, from Tamara and from everyone here at the Sanctuary. Depression has taken me from all of you and had her way with me. Sinking under the current and refusing to stay under, I am here with you now because I will not give in. I will take the hits as long as they keep coming and I will do my best. I will always do my best. My best is all I’ve got and so I give it all I’ve got. You do that too, don’t you? You give it all you have to give it, and then you want more of yourself, don’t you?

Being down here with Nahko and watching her sleep and cry in her sleep…seeing her eyes fade with the pain medication and her light dull under the duress of it all. Watching her stumble to get to me and knowing that not getting to me is simply not an option for her. Yes, I have been blessed for sure. My schedule needed some rearranging anyway! My schedule needed to fill itself with the things truly important to me. Nahko is more important to me than I could possible have known or imagined. I am grateful to learn now, what I have missed in my depression. Depression hurts. Our dogs know. Hondo and the goats know…Tamara knows…depression really does hurt. When we sink below our own horizons, we sink or we swim. We often sink for a long time before floating even becomes an option for us at all. Under the currents of life’s unforgiving thrashing, depression becomes our abyss. The depths of that abyss for me, often know no bounds. The past two days, she almost took me down too far to come back up again. So, it is with a thankful heart that I write this evening to tell you all that I made it. We battled it out but good this time and we raged on and on and on…

For those of you who struggle with depression, I send you all of my love, as I know this battle all to well. In our home depression did not exist. I believe with all of my heart that cancer just took my mom before the undiagnosed depression could. Just like cancer and piece by piece…depression destroys lives. I could have “FUCK DEPRESSION” tattooed right under the “FUCK CANCER” on the back of my head. I think I am almost out of fucks though…truly, almost out of fucks, for fucks sake.

As my life unrails to level itself a bit, I am thankful for a break from the depression that almost took me. FUCK DEPRESSION. Nahko and I will be spending our next few days Healing and coming back to life. Depression hurts. Surgery hurts. We hurt and we are here to get well.

Have a beautiful Friday evening and be safe! I love you.

A slumber party with Nahko Bear…

Good morning everyone! I haven’t slept much yet. Nahko Bear was spayed and had gastropexy surgery yesterday, so we slumbered together in the studio last night. Okay, I wouldn’t call it slumbering necessarily…more like nodding off, spooning, crying and snoozing for a few minutes at a time, to begin again. Nahko finally settled a bit around 1:00am.

What a beautiful and humbling experience, to spend the night with such a beautiful being last night. Seeing her as I’ve seen her, and seeing her as I am seeing her now…very humbling and beautiful. Nahko is the Santuario guardian. Mala and Nahko hate the indoors! They hate, hate, hate being inside. So being indoors with her is pretty hard to come by and I’m going to enjoy every moment with her. Nahko is not quite as thrilled as I am and she is being a good sport and getting some rest. These moments are bringing me home and I am so grateful, thankful and blessed!

My life is my canvas and my opportunity to paint is upon us. Depression has had her way with me for the last few days and I have been a hot fucking mess. The struggle is so real sometimes lately that I cannot lie, I’ve not been sure I would make it through. I’m still not sure I will make it through. I am sure of one thing though, I am going to give it all I’ve got. I am going to do my best to make me better. I am constant prayer and meditation and dousing myself with all of the musical medicine I can handle. I will give it all I’ve got.

My slumber party with Nahko last night gave me a peace that I didn’t know was in me. On the floor, and up on the couch and under the drafting table…anywhere for her to feel my touch and my love. Anything to hear her snore for a few minutes. Anything to silence her cries and to let her know that I would not leave her side. Everything I wanted and didn’t get when I was sick and needing to be held close and reassured that way. I gave her everything I had ever wanted, for giving her what I got was going to be of no comfort to either of us at all. I gave her all that I craved, to fulfill her own craving to be loved and touched. I buried my face in her bear fur and I thanked God for trusting me to care for Nahko last night.

This is how my disorder works sometimes…In a deep depression when I dropped Nahko off at the vet and even more so when I picked her up at the vet, I felt a little overwhelmed at first. I began to convince myself that I could not do it alone. That is when the C-PTSD begins to turn into a spin for me. I start to doubt myself and I get dealt a million reasons why I am insufficient to handle such tasks. As those things began hitting me, I often find myself so bombarded that I cannot cope. Yesterday though, I knew I could do it. Sam is very, very good with puppies and so I called on her to help me to give Nahko Bear the very best care. We did our best and we all worked together and I beat the spin that tried to overtake me. My own uncertainty causes me the most momentum in my spinning, and so I got certain real fast that I could do it. And guess what? We did it! Nahko Bear and Sam and I figured it all out! And with 10-14 days recovery, no running, easy steps…Nahko Bear and I will be living in the studio. We will continue to figure it out because that is how we roll!

Thank you for loving Nahko and I so much this morning. It was a hard day’s night, and one of my most cherished, as I am coming home. Please keep sending her all of your love and prayers for a quick and painless recovery. Please say it with me…”We love you Nahko Bear! Feel better soon!”

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! Off to nap with Nahko Bear!