Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I write for one of my dearest friends since mid school this morning…love her up please❤️

Good morning everyone. Happy Friday the 13th! Today is a difficult day for someone whom I love very much and someone whom I have loved for a very long time. A week ago my friend found her boyfriend deceased when she went to go meet him for morning coffee. My world tilted upon receiving this news. Words left me. My heart holds hers and I reach out to each and every one of you this morning, and I ask you to stop what you are doing and lift my sister up to God himself to comfort her on this day. A week ago her world literally shattered into a million pieces.

Many of us are struggling, aren’t we? In relationship, we struggle. In work, we struggle. In friendship, we struggle. Internally and externally, we struggle.

I never had the blessed privilege of meeting my friends boyfriend. I was just too busy to make the time I guess. More over, there would be time to meet him later. I would make time later to meet the guy who lit my friends heart ablaze. I got a text last Friday…”I found my boyfriend dead this morning….” Let me tell you something…there is no appropriate response for a text like that. There are no fucking words or subsequent texts that say enough or say it right. There isn’t a hug big enough or empathy strong enough for pain like this. The pain of my friend, which I jumped in front of is a pain that I would not wish upon anyone.

My dearest friend,

I write this open letter to you a week after receiving your text about Ron. I write this letter to you, for everyone this morning, at Rons request. I would typically ask permission and he is very clear that he has granted permission from his new realm, and so I’m going with that this morning.

Tracy, girl, you gave me something that no one ever gave me before. Your love and care for me changed my broken heart. Your faith in me and love for me healed parts of me that I thought would never heal. “Close your eyes and tell me what’s your wish. Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this baby”…you’ll always be my baby. I love you. I am never far away. Love, your man

Thank you for coming by this morning brother. I will be with your girl today and we will be with you ❤️

I Always open my blog for messages from places that others cannot receive messages from. Ron wants me to let you each know that waking up dead has been, by far, the hardest thing that ever happened to him. Being there and not being there…being gone and not being able to come back…being touched and not being able to touch back. Being dead on the other side of the cooling glass and unable to reach out and comfort the person who you gave yourself and your heart to. Death doesn’t allow for two cups of hot coffee in the morning and the empty cup echos the conversation you yourself are dying to have with the one gone from you.

Many of us have strayed far away from all that we hold sacred and dear. Many of us have completely given up on things that may have had some life still left in them. Many of us are sucking the life out of things with little life left in them. Some of us left the driveway. Some of us stayed in the driveway. Some of us live and some of us died. If you have someone this morning, Ron says to grab two cups and run to them! Do not pass go. Do not make excuses and don’t let your blame and shame derail you from them.

For anyone who is not sitting here this morning with an empty cup of coffee and an empty chair before you, a broken heart inside you, and no moments left, I’m going to encourage you to move your ass quickly to the one you love with a hot cup of coffee this morning. I’m going to offer you the insight to make some room for amazing conversation and close your time together with your biggest hug. Time does run out. Coffee does get cold. We give up and we cannot go back and un-give up.

A week later, I am here to tell you, as I head to the funeral home this afternoon to pay respects to a body I’ve never laid eyes on, I wish I had made time for what is important to me. As the service approaches tomorrow and as the procession gathers behind his hearse for his final ride to Santa Fe tomorrow, for interment into our National Cemetery, I close my eyes and remember that all we’ve got is this. Ron served our country in the United States Air Force and I thank you for your service brother.

Ron passed away Friday, September 6, 2019 at his home, at 61 years old. He is survived by family and friends and by my dear friend, Tracy, who meant everything to him, and he to her.

Whatever it is and however you ended up in your predicament…however badly it hurts and however difficult it is to communicate…you aren’t dead on the floor this morning and God willing, you’re not standing over the one whom you love dead this morning. Sit with that for as long as you need to and then do what you need to do. Time does run out. Ron should know a lot more about any of this than we do this morning, as he reaches for a coffee cup that he can no longer hold from the other side this morning and a girl that he loves and cannot hold through the pain of losing him.

I am going to ask each of you to say with me this morning….”I love you Tracy. Our arms and or love surround you.”

All of my love to you Tracy and to each of you. Go grab two cups of coffee this morning, for Tracy and Ron, and let’s lift them up. Go grab your someone and fix whatever is broken. Time does run out.

Swimming in a big bowl of gratitude this morning ❤️

Good morning everyone and happy Saturday! I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned! I want to thank you all for all of your love for Aiden and his family. Love is where it’s at and so thank you!

As for me…let’s see if I can write anymore at all without Aiden or Robin or my mom chiming in for me this morning. I realized when the sentencing came down for Aiden on Thursday, that I have not been breathing for a while. I wasn’t even aware of it. And, I have been breathless way longer than Aiden. The night my mom was rushed to the ER, shortly before she died, I stopped breathing then. I stopped everything then. I stopped living and breathing. I stopped knowing who I was or what to do or where the fuck I was. The night my mom went by ambulance to learn of her fate to cancer, my world kind of stopped too. I’ve been puttering and sputtering along, to very little avail. Seeing clients and hugging…desperately trying to be a good friend and a good therapist and a good human being…I’m always a click off or a step just behind what feels to flow for me. My thoughts and feelings border on the edge of insanity and I desperately try to hold the middle. My love is deep and raging and untamed and inside of me that just feels mostly like confusion on some days.

Lately, I mostly feel that I am here to unlearn what I learned that does not serve me or make sense. To be honest, I am unlearning a lot. I am learning how to share my feelings and my thoughts and it’s kind of scary and intimidating sometimes. Sometimes my feelings seem too deep and too complicated and too far away and I get really discombobulated. Working closely with other people and their hearts and their lives and their stories can be a fine line and so I am learning how to walk it with more grace. Energy work definitely stirs energy and so I’ve been working on grounding myself better and setting up better protection around my own heart. The semi-permeable membrane between our thoughts and reality can be a very slippery slope and I am glad to be riding this one out a bit and realigning to my own center again. I cannot really explain the sensation of the work I do or the places I hold, other than to say that my life truly is a fucking trip!

I’ve learned that I have to fall in love with people and I have to let them fall in love with me. I have to hold them tight in the places where they don’t even want to be touched at all. If you’ve ever been in studio session or animal session with me, you know exactly what I speak of. There is a space in between, a “sweet spot” in our journeying. This spot is undefined and surreal and this is my pivot point. This is the spot that I work from. This is my desk and my work…this is how I lay it all out. It’s all love and love balancing. It’s all isotonic and isometric movements…subtle and intense and true. Precision based and intimate is my work to love us all home. I land in families and relationships and marriages. I become the object of many altercations within the psyche of those confronting themselves. I become the adored and the hated and I ebb and flow in and out of places most people dare not tread. There is good reason not to tread here. Here hearts are wide open and words aren’t needed. It’s deep and murky sometimes and boundaries aren’t clear like they are with words and with physical touch. In this place, it’s up to me to exercise boundaries and decorum and good judgement, to bring us all around to the other side. And so, with that all being said, Thursday when Aiden met justice, I took my first breath since the call that my mom was in that ambulance. My mom will be gone four years in December and my life is finally returning to me now. My thoughts, my feelings and my emotions and my touch with reality have all been affected by the loss of the woman who carried me in to this world and I will never be the same.

I feel myself and my work evolving and I center myself and mind my own breath. I am going to be going into some deep and murky waters and I feel that coming on. My work is taking me into the trenches to pull us up and out of this cesspool of shit that we are swimming in right now. We must know that until something changes, nothing is going to change. Until something shifts, we are all horribly out of balance running up and down our own unbalanced beams. We must slow our roll and intention ourselves into the lives we wish to be living. We are in a tizzy living lives we don’t belong in and doing things we ought not be doing, all simply because we have lost touch with ourselves and our own moral compasses. And…we have a choice. We can be kind and just and fair just as easily as we can be absent, unaccountable and irrational. Our worlds do collide and we can mitigate the impact by simply owning our own chaos in all of this. Anyway, amidst the noise and chaos lie all of the answers to the calm. Inside of each of us there is all we need, to be who we came here to be…and we have reserve to help others to summit too. All that ever really holds us back is ourself isn’t it? An “insular Tahiti ” inside of us all says Dr. Dyer. What are we doing with what we have inside us?

This morning I am grateful to be landing back into me a bit. It was a bit of a crash landing at first and its calming down a bit now. Thank God! Coming back into me and my life after being away for so long has its challenges and my struggle is currently real and active. As I find my own center again and slow us all down a bit to return to ourselves again, I feel a little sad leaving this space. Mostly though, I feel accomplished in knowing that I’ve a sacred job in this world and that God trusts me to go where others cannot tread, simply because I’m willing to go there.

So with all of the gratitude in my heart this morning, I thank Aiden and his family and Robin and her family and my family for trusting me in such sacred and vulnerable space, as I become who I am.

Most of all, to my beautiful and amazing partner, Tamara, thank you for holding me through this storm. Thank you for loving me just the same and no matter what. Thank you for sharing me with those who need me the most. Thank you for supporting me and honoring my work, even when it makes our lives more difficult and unmanageable. Thank you for loaning me out to be what others need in the absence of their others and for dealing with the ebb and flow of me falling in and out of love a million different times with my clients and their humans. There is absolutely nothing easy about this part of my work and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding me through the pain and hardship of it all some days. Most of all, thank you for being there when my world smashed into the ground and annihilated me and all that I was before my mom left. Thank you for never giving up on me or on us. Thank you for listening to my endless rhetoric about absolutely nothing, as I simply try to find my way back into the world I left when I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. Of all of the things in my life, you matter the very most to me and I love you with all of my heart and all that I am. I am so sorry that my words fail me with you. I regret that my communication skills are non-existent sometimes when it comes to you and I am working around the clock to hear you better and to speak less. Thank you for holding me through the pain and for loaning me out to love others. Most of all, thank you for always being here with open arms, loving me, when I return from wherever I’ve been.

Thursday was my first breath since we got the call from my Dad that my mom was in an ambulance to the ER to begin her journey of leaving us all behind. I feel like I literally just landed here and so please be patient with me as I find my parameters once again. I feel a little out of sorts so please be gentle as I acclimate again, to the life I was living before my moms heart stopped beating almost four years ago.

If you are still here with me, thank you. If you are not still with me, thank you.

Have a beautiful weekend and enjoy those who share your life with you. Playing soccer with Taos yesterday in Aidens red adidas shoes reminds me of who I am. Waking up this morning, I am grateful to be returning to me. Thank you to each and every one of you for all of your love and prayers and for always dialing up your love when it is most needed! I love you!!!

Asking for love and prayers for Aiden…

Good morning everyone! This morning I am calling up love for Aiden and his family. Aiden has been struggling with Tracheal Collapse. The way his mom describes it, the cartilage in Aiden’s trachea gets weak and so when he breathes harder, his trachea literally collapses. It’s like drinking thick milkshake through a straw and if you try to drink too quickly, the straw collapses and nothing gets through. So…imagine trying to breathe through that! The struggle to breathe is real for Aiden and Quality of life for everyone in Aiden’s family is diminished, as Aiden must lie fairly still to avoid the coughing that ensues if he gets agitated or excited by getting up and moving about the cabin. Once the coughing starts, everyone is caught in its turbulence and it’s uncomfortable grasp. At only four pounds, this collapsed trachea is rocking Aiden’s little world, literally. Much consulting is going on and everyone who can help is being contacted to get Aiden whatever help is needed to improve his quality of life. As we are gathering and assembling teams to get Aiden all fixed up, I ask for your love and your prayers for Aiden. I ask you to lift Aiden and his mom up as high as you can and into the healing light. Please pray for the competence and steadfastness of Aidens medical team and everyone on this team, as we all place our love and hands and healing energies on Aiden to return him to wellness.

As many of you know, Aiden and his mom, and his entire family…are my heart. Aiden is part of me. Aiden and I are spending nights together and long afternoons lying still together. Although I cannot seem to explain exactly who I am or what I do, to most people, Aiden knows. Aiden and I are the same and I do my best to work with Aiden and his body through my own body. My heart functions as Aidens and Aidens as mine. Aiden and I are the epitome of walking each other home. So…when Aiden is not feeling well, I am not feeling well. And when Aiden needs love and prayers and healing energy, I am going to go out there and get it for him! I ask each of you to take a moment this morning to lift up Aiden and his family. Please pray for their hearts and for relief and healing and a return to wellness for Aiden. Aiden really is someone spectacular and special and extraordinary! Aiden is part of me and I ask you to lift us up as we embark on a healing and telling journey together. Aiden needs us and so I will be rallying the troops and gathering tribe to carry our precious Aiden through this storm.

I began growing my hair out yesterday, for Aiden. I have never grown my hair, only ever shaved it, for anyone. So, this is a bit of a twist for me. Divinely guided and full of faith…trusting and knowing…I begin my fro grow for my beautiful friend Aiden! All of my hair and all of the strength that it symbolizes, I grow, with all of my love for Aiden.

Please pray with me:

Lord,

Hear our prayer. This morning Lord, I lift my friend Aiden up into your loving arms. I turn him over to you Lord that you mend him and make him well again. Aiden is so special to so many of us and we need Aiden down here Lord. Aidens trachea is in collapse and Aiden is struggling to breathe and to be well. Please Lord, open Aidens throat clear and wide. Let Aidens air pass through with ease and please remove Aidens discomfort and struggle to breathe. Lord, in your will and your capabilities, please take Aiden into your arms and make him well again. With all of our love and gratitude, and in your name, we pray these things. Skill our hands and open our hearts. Fill our minds with knowing of what to do and bring forth the people who can make Aiden well again, to assemble his team, to raise him up to you, that you may make him whole again. And so it is. Amen.

Have a beautiful day everyone and thank you for loving Aiden and for praying with me for his wellness and for his beautiful family. All of my love and gratitude this morning. Thank you. And please, if you will, say it with me…”We love you Aiden!!!!!”

Rambling thoughts about being kind…

Happy Friday everyone! I am in slow motion this morning and not moving very quickly yet. Sleep was scarce and interrupted and I feel the morning fatigue or it all this morning. I sometimes wish I could just lie here. Nothing else…just lie here, until I don’t want to lie here anymore. I wonder how long that would be…I mean I wonder how long, if I could just lie here, how long would I lie here? How long would you just lie there? Anyway, that is my intricate thought process this morning so far. I’m booked solid today and so I shall not just lie here. Just a thought about what if I did and how long I would just stay in bed if I didn’t have to get out of bed at all. Random thoughts from my meandering mind this morning.

I was hopping to have some inspiration or some words of wisdom this morning. I wanted to reach out and inspire you this morning with my words; and words elude me a bit. I do hope that you have a lovely day and that you find happiness in the small stuff. If you’re hurting, I hope it passes quickly. If you’re sad, I hope a smile finds you today. If you are beat down, I hope someone reaches down to lift you up. Most of all, I hope you are enough for you today. I pray for your health and your happiness and you safety. I pray for your family and for your friends and for the animals in your care. I pray you make more than enough money and that your kitchen is full of your favorite healthy foods. I hope you will always put a hand out for someone who needs a hand. We must start living the basics differently, if we expect to see sustainable and substantial change in our world. We cannot act the way we act and expect the results to be different than they are. We don’t make time and we don’t speak with love and light and praise for those whom we see suffering. Surely someone else will help them, right? We are all someone. We all have something that we can offer. What do you offer? What do you give away to those who need something from you? The small acts of caring and sharing and loving…those acts make a huge difference. Just ask the person you bought water for or the guy you gave your lunch to on the corner yesterday. When we walk by like we don’t care, the people we walk by feel that we don’t care. How would you feel if you were the other guy? How many people would you have to watch walk by you, with no love or assistance at all, before you just gave up on asking for it? When did we stop loving each other you guys? Truly, what happened to cause us to justify not loving certain people and groups of people? When did throwing dogs out of windows, to their death on the pavement, become acceptable to us? When did witnessing violence become our norm? When did we lose our hearts and our sense of eight and wrong? Why do we stay silent about things that really do matter? Just some food for thought this morning…who the fuck are we? Truly, who are we becoming? This world that we are all bitching about…this is our world. What are we doing to right what’s wrong? What are we doing to be the change? Sitting around complaining about it surely isn’t turning this tide, is it? Maybe be love, in action? Go out there today and be love. At work…at home…in public…hold doors and say “hello”…smile and give a shit about each other. We never know what someone else is going through, so always be kind.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you.

I just sat there on that bench…

Good morning everyone! Happy Wednesday. I have tried to take some time to sort me out and as I re-emerge, I am struggling a bit. Struggling mostly to just do the next right thing in the midst of so very many wrong things that have gone before me. The struggle of losing so much has been so painful and I’ve contemplated suicide more than I care to acknowledge. I got to a point with all of this that I decided It would be best to just end it all, rather than to keep killing my self slowly. Even upon reaching that conclusion, I held on. I held on because I know I’ve work that must be done here. I held on for Tamara and for the animals and for many of you. When I simply didn’t value me enough to hang on for me, I held on for you. All of this holding on by a meager little thread has been too much…way too fucking much, too close to home…and too close to taking me from me and from all of you. We live in a world where life holds little value and so losing the entire worth of me wasn’t hard to do at all. I could have been dead in the next moment, mourned and buried and memorialized, in moments that followed and gone from your sight, all just like that. The pain got that bad and I got that hopeless. The hopelessness and helplessness and the depression…it all just got to all consuming and overwhelming for me and I nearly broke completely. In these moments, in this brokenness…I had to either give in and let it all go or I had to find my will to live again.

Yesterday was my turning point. Yesterday was my day to leave here or to start figuring out how to stay here. Yesterday was the straw that broke this camels back and I did what I had to do, to stay here with you for a while longer. Yesterday, as the tears overtook me and as the world around me just kept crumpling…as my heart barely beat anymore at all, I made a decision. I decided to start doing some mending and healing and to contribute to my own wellness a bit. I decided to detach from my past and from my story. I decided to be loving awareness and to actually be forgiveness, instead of just praying for all of that for us all. Yesterday, the break that had been cracking me in two, finally broke me and I landed on my knees.

I ended up at the cemetery yesterday, meeting my Dad for a spell. I have not seen or spoken to my Dad since January and I don’t go to the cemetery anymore. I saw my Dad on the bench when I rolled up and the dozen red roses in my moms vase. My moms grave was grown over a bit. No one seems to go there much anymore. There was a funeral taking place on one side of us and a funeral had just taken place on the other side of us. I remembered my moms casket setting up there, waiting to be lowered down like that. I felt the sting of that day, so many days ago, of burying my mom. Here I was, walking toward the man that I buried right next to her. My whole fucking life, in that cemetery, on that bench yesterday. As I sat there sweating and with a constant stream of tears rolling down my cheeks, I hardly looked at my Dad at all. I just couldn’t. I saw his white hair and I focused on my own shoes as I stared way off into the distance. A distance so far away from us that I couldn’t catch any simulation of normalcy from either side or from anywhere at all…I just sat there, on that bench reading headstones and trying to be attentive. The pain of it all though…the pain of it all just rendered me pretty lifeless and motionless myself. As I sat next to my Dad, on the bench in front of my dead mom yesterday, I realized that I was very far gone from myself. I told my dad that I just didn’t know what to do with all of this fucking pain. As I cried and tried to hold on to something, every single thing in my world just fucking left me. I literally sat there and melted and drained myself of me on that bench next to my dad. My Dad reminded me that I had to just let it all go…all of it. The abuse, the blame and the shame and the pain of it all…I just let it drain out of me. I haven’t known how to do that and yesterday I was finally able to do that. Sitting with the man who hurt me and whom I have hurt so much, in front of the woman who held it all together and who blew us all apart, I finally just came undone. In that cemetery, on that bench, with my Dad, we came clean. We fell apart a bit and we were quiet a lot. I felt myself longing to just be okay, to just be happy, to just be whole. I wanted all of those things yesterday, more for my dad than I wanted them from me. The wanting and the inability to rise from these ashes has almost destroyed me completely. The blame and the shame and the resentments have taken me from me, almost entirely. Whatever happened to me and to my life…to my family and to cause such fallout…I realized that it really just doesn’t matter anymore. Yesterday, sitting on that bench in front of my dead mom, inside of my half dead self, with my very broken father sitting next to me, I just let it all fucking die. Her, me, him…I just buried us all in that fucking cemetery yesterday. Actually, I buried us all with her the day they lowered her into the ground. I gave up, on everyone and on everything in my life, because nothing made any sense at all to me anymore. The loss of my mother, followed by the lost of my brother and my father, and my entire family…and I accepted all of that loss yesterday. It is finished. It is finally finished. Everything before me is gone and I have buried the girl who died in this tragedy, in that grave with her mother and her father and her little brother. I have finally laid to rest, my life and all that it holds, that no longer serves me. I have buried that little family of four on Kings Row and all of the hopes and dreams and ideas…the wants and the needs and the expectations of a lifetime. I have released my wants and expectations and I have removed my desires and my will from the man who I call my dad and from the man whom I call my brother and from the woman whom I called my mom. I buried the abuse and the inconsistencies…the doubts, the fears and all of the questions yesterday. That cemetery closed in on me and the world collapsed on top of me. I sat there on that bench as my entire life drained from me.

As we got up to leave, everything was fuzzy and faded and far away. I don’t know how I got to where I went after or to whom I spoke. I know I got there only by the grace of God, as a decided not to find a bathroom there and to go where I was expected for lunch. I arrived at lunch with my girl and my dear friend, who carried me some more, through all of this. I arrived home and I just broke into a million tiny little pieces. As all of this breaking off and letting go is taking place, I find myself just feeling like I want to be quiet and still. As I left that bench, I hugged my Dad for a long while before we departed. I got into the FJ and I felt myself to be sure I was still in my body. I still feel as though I’ve not returned to my body completely. Suddenly, and not so suddenly at all, none of it mattered anymore. None of it held any weight anymore. None of it mattered at all anymore. My dad and I are hurt people, who have hurt people and been hurt by people, just like every other people. My mom was a hurt people who hurt people and who was hurt by people. I am a hurt people who has hurt people and been hurt by people. My little bother and you and your own little brother, are hurt people who have hurt people and been hurt by people. I realized yesterday, that it’s what we do with all of this pain that really matters…not what hurt us and landed us here in the first place.

On that bench in the cemetery with my Dad yesterday, I just let it all go…all of it. The only thing left and the only thing that matters anymore at all, is what I am I going to do with all of this. What I am going to do with all of this is that I am going to lift it all up in prayer this morning…all of it…and ask for forgiveness and to be forgiven. I am going to send it all back to the universe, all of it, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. So, for each of us this morning, whatever it is and whomever you cannot seem to forgive, I lift you up and I ask God to take our burdens from us this morning, that we all might come clean this morning. I lift up my Dad, with all of my love and light, right into the hands of God this morning, that he and I sit next to each other once again, in Gods hands and be cleansed, forgiven and returned to wholeness. I pray for each of us this morning to come clean with God, to bathe and rinse and dry off in the sun, as we release the pain of a lifetime behind us, that we may make our way I to the light of this new day. I lift up every single member of my blood family that they also be washed clean and restored to Gods will and set down in love and light, that they may also detach from the disease and dysfunction of many lifetimes that has tainted us all. God, hear our prayer. Lord, lift us up and forgive us our sins and those who have sinned against us, that we may be lighter and brighter and ready to serve you. In your holy name Lord, I ask these things and offer myself to thee, to do with me as thou wilt. I ask all of these things for the least of us, for we are the most of us, that we may know that we are home Lord. Thank you, for everything Lord. Amen. And so it is.

I close this morning with all of my love and with all of my thanks and with a very humble and grateful heart, for all of the good things coming! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

I loving memory of my friend Taffy…

Good morning everyone. Happy Monday. Over the holiday weekend, I lost one of my dear clients and friends. Taffy had to take his walk across the rainbow bridge on July 5th and is terribly missed here. This morning I dedicate my blog to Taffy, Lily, Rod and Nicole. Happy Independence Day beautiful boy! We love you and miss you so much already!

Rod, Nicole and Lily have written this beautiful piece for Taffy and they said I could share it with all of you this morning.

This is what they had to say about their beautiful boy;
We adopted Taffy, a senior whose owner had passed away, in December of 2016 from Top of Texas Corgi Rescue. From the moment he joined our family, his energy and love of life were always present. He loved to run across the fields chasing his dad and nipping at his calves, Corgi style. After a few months, we knew we had gained his complete trust and acceptance when he finally let us kiss him on the forehead, something that we did every single day after. We spent the next year and 8 months spoiling Taffy and his sister Lily. Going to the park three times a day, snuggling on the couch, and taking trips in our camper, even going all the way back to Pennsylvania. He was a joyful soul even as we started to notice a slight stumble when he walked. Later we would discover that he had degenerative myelopathy DM and intervertebral disc disease IVDD. As we started making adjustments for how our life was going to change, buying him a stroller, a cart and a wagon for moving around in the house, he didn’t seem to be at all affected by the changes in his body. In September of 2018 we went to Salado, Texas to get him hyperbaric oxygen therapy to help with the IVDD. When he was examined by the vet before his first treatment, she noticed two large masses which had appeared almost overnight. We immediately left the next day to go to our oncologist in Santa Fe who recommended surgery. The following day Taffy had his spleen and one kidney removed and the diagnosis came back as hemangiosarcoma and we were given 3 to 6 months.  We were devastated but determined to prove the surgeon wrong and Taffy was definitely up to the challenge.  He slowly regained his strength but not his ability to walk. We will probably never know what happened during surgery, but he was never able to use his back legs again. We continued to have hope that he would regain the use of his legs and did everything to help. After his recovery we took him back to Salado where he received 10 Hyperbaric treatments. When we returned to Las Cruces, we started him on Electro acupuncture, hydrotherapy, electrical stimulation treatments, Reiki, energy work and lots of physical therapy. Taffy was showing some moderate Improvement but when he went to the oncologist for his monthly exam in April we discovered that he had another large mass measuring 4 inches in diameter that had appeared within a month. Knowing the aggressive nature of this cancer, we decided to stop all of his treatments and accept the fact that he would remain unable to walk. After all, he didn’t seem to mind one bit. He was living in the now and we were worrying about the future. We decided we would just let him be a couch potato if he wanted or an explorer and adventurer too. We continued to take him on long walks using his sling, because his front legs were still strong. His dad would always push the stroller just in case Taffy got a little tired, which started happening more often as the months progressed. We were so focused on treating his cancer that it was sometimes easy to forget that he had DM. We were 10 months post diagnosis and he was keeping the cancer at bay while the DM marched relentlessly through his body making him weaker and weaker. For the last 10 months of his life, Taffy never left our side. He went with us in his stroller to restaurants and grocery stores,  home improvement stores  and  gardening centers. He even went to the gym with us once. And everywhere we went,  he made people smile. 
He let us know on Independence Day when we were camping at City of Rocks, that he was ready for his rebirth. We granted him his wish the following day as we held him in our arms and told him how much we love him and that we would never be apart. We pictured him flying across the Rainbow Bridge just as he used to fly across the fields here with us. 

Taffy never gave up and joyfully accepted everything we did for him. Taffy returned all the love we gave him tenfold. When his little body could not sustain itself any longer, he knew that he could count on us to show him the ultimate expression of our love for him. We will hold you close in our hearts little boy until we hold you in our arms again. All our love to you Taffy, now and forever. ❤💚💜💛💙
What a beautiful tribute for Taffy! Thank you so much for sharing your heart with all of us. Run free sweet Taffy. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life and part of your world. Please stay close to Mom and Dad, as they are heartbroken without you.
All of my love Rod, Nicole and Lily. I love you guys so much! Thank you for sharing Taffy with us this morning.
Could everyone please take Rod and Nicole and Lily in your arms today and lift them up? Surround them with your love and light today and always , as they find their new way without Taffy. Hold them close. Lift them up and love them through. That’s how we do it! That is how we will always do it in the healing room. Have a beautiful day everyone! Thank you for being here and for loving Taffy. I love you! Blessed be sweet Taffy! Run free my friend. Run free sweet boy!

There is no us and them my friends…

Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday. I was scrolling this morning, feeling all of the pain and sadness out there this morning and so I wanted to bring some love.

We saw “Rocketman” yesterday. I highly recommend seeing this movie. I am so glad we saw this movie! I wonder if we will ever truly know how cruel we are to one another and how much pain we throw around at each other? We exist in a pressure cooker of sorts, don’t we? Simmering until our tops blow off with all of the fucking pressure. We must not really know that we don’t have to live like this. We must not realize that we don’t have to live in pain all the time. Our pain follows us and we keep dragging it along, don’t we? Look around you and just see all of the pain. How can we heal this pain? How can we begin to heal this pain?

Love is the only way to heal all of this pain. Love is the only answer to combat all of this fear and pain and confusion. Love is all we have to arm us against hate and fear and pain, especially of this caliber.

We are surrounded by people less fortunate than ourselves, aren’t we? We see people with less than we have at every corner, don’t we? If we have it bad today, someone has it worse, no doubt. We must start showing and sharing our love if we are ever to heal ourselves and each other.

I believe that we are made to share our lives. I really do believe that we are here to be together. Solitude is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. Having someone to go to bed with and to wake up next to…that matters. It matters not to everyone that someone shares their bed. Our lives though…we share our lives with others every single day, don’t we? We work with others and we commute and walk and go to and fro, with others. We ought to learn how to be with others…we need to know how to lovingly be with others, don’t you agree? Instead, we fail to hardly see one another at all. We don’t touch each other. We make scarce eye contact with one another. We talk about each other, instead of with one another. We divide and conquer, instead of coming together and rising up. We must begin to know that we are the problem in our equations. We are the common denominator, the one that just doesn’t fucking add up in our lives. We are the missing links and broken pieces of our own puzzles my friends. We are who is missing!

Death comes and takes our loved ones and we are absent of the love we thought we had, to pull us through. My mom is in the cemetery and I almost landed in an asylum! The death of my mom literally rocked my world right off of its fucking axis and I will never be the same. You won’t be the same either, when your mom dies. You won’t know it now…you cannot know it until you lose her. When you lose your mom, you will know then that you will never feel loss like that again. It matters not if your mom was an angel or the biggest twat this world has ever known, your world will crumble a bit when that woman leaves you for good. It doesn’t matter if she was you best friend or your worst nightmare, when your mom leaves this world, your heart will break in ways unimaginable to you. Nothing else will ever hit you quite this way. There is no other pain like the pain of losing ones mom. Having my mom in the cemetery across town has most definitely rocked my little world and I will never be the same. We are all like that you know? We all have something that rips our soul into shreds and levels our playing fields. We all have depths that even we have not encountered and darkness we haven’t known. We all have darkness inside us that stays back from the light. We all have regrets of some kind and things we’ve done unflattering to others. We have stories we are ashamed of and things we have participated in, our of alignment with our very own souls, don’t we? Maybe you haven’t fucked someone else’s wife or showed up drunk to work. Maybe you haven’t stepped out on your marriage, ever, or treated her wrong too much…and yet you could treat her better, wouldn’t you agree? And we haven’t all lost our way and sucked dick in the Oval Office, and yet, my God, haven’t we lost our way anyway? We didn’t all gamble our lives away or shoot ourselves up with heroine. Not all of us know what an eight ball is or how to freebase anything. We haven’t all been raped and pillaged and abused…some of us are the rapists and the abusers. We so easily call these things out in each other…all of the things that we have so shamefully done ourselves. We look outside of ourselves to place blame and adorn one another with shame. We look over there, instead of digging deep inside ourselves. We know it’s not our fault, don’t we? All of it…we are simply not it. We own none of it, and we wonder why it persists. We didn’t do those things and we don’t act this way. We are monogamous and loyal and sober and vegan. We are educated and moral and upstanding. They are the ones who act this way…just look at them. My friends..just look at us, looking outside of ourselves, at everyone else, to see what is wrong with our world. Just look at us finding all of that fault with one another, at every single opportunity and turn. Look at us mocking the downtrodden. Just look at us humiliating the homeless by simply having more than they do. Look at us in the bottom of our booze bottles, getting our chits signed at AA meetings. We have the whole fucking world fooled, don’t we? We can play the fucking game, at least as well as they can, so fuck them, right? No one tells us that we are the problem. No one hands us that fucking mirror. We can so clearly see the problem and it is them. We are not what is wrong with us…just look over there at them!!! My friends…there simply is no us and them. Us and them does not even truly exist. This concept of us and them…this divide and conquer mentality…this fracture in our own psyches…there simply is no us and them. We are waging war on ourselves with this mentality and with the rhetoric that accompanies this thinking. We are not separate. We are not divided like we believe ourselves to be. We…you and I…we are the same. We are one and we need to understand this. Until we are all well, we will all be sick. Not one of us will ever truly be healed, as long as one of us is suffering and unwell. We must begin to know this if we are to ever truly heal. We must hold hands and walk together and we must wipe away each other’s tears. We must lift each other up and hold each other close, if we are ever to heal what is broken in ourselves.

On this day, I want you to be reminded that there is no us and them. We are them and they are us. They are us and we are them. We are. As you venture out into the world today, do something to lift us all up, would you? Truly, before you leave your house…before you crawl back into bed and throw today into the fuck it bucket…do something for someone who can truly never repay you. Love someone who doesn’t love you. Hug someone who needs it more than you do. Smile at someone who lost their own smile. Be the reason that someone gets through this day, why don’t you? Open that door and hold it for everyone! Take an extra five minutes to do whatever it is that needs five more minutes. Pick up that trash in the ground instead of waiting for someone else to do it. Buy two of whatever you grab for yourself and give one away. Be nice and loving and patient and kind with your kids today. Tell your husband how dapper he looks on his way out the door. Hold your wife a few seconds longer as you leave for work this morning. Call your best friend. Write that letter and drop it in the mailbox. Call and say you’re sorry. Ask her out to lunch. Give him your number. Lift him out of the gutter, wash him off and lay him in the sun! Every day, many times, we have an opportunity to be for someone, whom no one else could be for them. Let us all go out and be love today, okay? I fucking dare you! There is no us and them. So go out there and do something for all of us today! Dial that love dial all the way up and let’s get loving, shall we? We’ve got this you guys…we’ve got this!

I am Quitting my past cold tofurkey this morning!

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday! I began writing about a shift I had yesterday…an epiphany…an awareness, an awakening and an acceptance that came to me yesterday morning, for which I am so grateful.

Good afternoon beautiful people! I’ve a few moments before an EPIC studio session coming in and I’ve some great news to share with you all!! I was looking for an 8:30 am A.A. meeting this morning on Rio Grande to start my day off right. Early, as most always, I looked and looked and looked, to no avail for the meeting. I even went into a salon and asked if they knew where the address was. My experience in there was pretty typical…eye-rolls…you’re in the wrong place….and they had no idea where my meeting was. I was discouraged for a moment, as I stepped back outside to start looking again. I looked at my car, Big Book in hand, I chose to sit on a bench nearby and to have my own meeting this morning, instead of leaving all together. I thought I would read Chapter two, as assigned by my sponsor on Monday, and so I did. I read chapter two. I sat a spell longer and I reflected on something Wayne Dyer said. I am on an “All Wayne, all the time…” kick right now, as I need a spiritual kick in my ass. Wayne has never not given me that when I’ve called for it and today was no exception. Today Dr. Dyer was talking about quitting our pasts cold turkey, so to speak. Like right here and right now…just drop it. Somehow, today I heard it and I got it and I’m so fucking grateful for that. Drinking…I quit cold turkey. Smoking…cold Tofurky. My past, beginning today…I quit, cold Tofurky! Truly, I got it today…what all of you have been saying all along. My family doesn’t want to be with me. My past is behind me. My mom is dead, God rest her precious soul. I am here and I don’t need anyone who doesn’t want me in their life in their life. Not anymore.

Something lifted and shifted for me in those moments on the white bench, right around the corner from the AA meeting I missed. Something released and let go and I realized that I am okay. I became aware of a family that simply never wanted me to be in their family. I became equally as aware that I do not want to be their family either. I have hurt over all of this to the point of nearly ending it all. I have pursued these people to the ends of the earth for my whole life and it is finally finished. Yesterday, sitting all alone on that bench, I accepted who I am and where I am at in life. Yesterday I let go of my wants and needs and desires. I released my expectations and I just let it all go. As people came in and out of the Seasons, I released the memories of Mothers Day’s long past. I let it all just drain right out of me, right then and right there. All of this self-loathing and pathetic begging and wanting for something so long gone and far away from me…I just stopped. I just stopped wanting. I just stopped crying and hurting and needing the thing I thought I needed most.

Yesterday it felt pretty surreal. I awoke this morning and realize that I am still okay. This morning, I’m not grasping for my past. I am not angry or hurt or concerned about all that has plagued me. I’m not agitated or crying. I just am. I am so grateful for this revelation. I know that it is the sum of all that each of you have said to me all along…the words all finally fit together and made sense to me. The words that finally tied the bow on this little package came from a friend who told me, simply and very matter of factly, that my family simply doesn’t want me. What an astute observation. Truly. I missed that. I couldn’t even begin to fathom it and I guess the truth is often like that, isn’t it? Right in front of my face all along , and still so far from obvious to me, was the truth. So, this morning I am grateful to wake up here alone, without trying to attach myself to anyone or anything anymore. I am thankful to be a lone wolf and not merely tolerated. I have taken the pack off of my back for once and for all. I am done here and all of this is finished. It is a bit surreal to stand here by myself this morning, looking all around me. It began to feel a little empty until I realized that I’m not empty. I’m simply making room for those who have made room for me. There is a lot of room now and I am looking forward to the journey. For those of you who stayed and waited for me to come to my senses, thank you. I know you have all been patiently waiting for me to simply turn around. I know that you are my family and that you have chosen me to be so. I’m sorry I kept you all waiting. My tribe has assembled and my people have spoken. It is finished.

As I stand here and take one long, hard and last look around, and as I pack all of my trash to pack up to move out, it is so barren, so desolate. Don’t worry you guys….this is the last time you have to busy yourself when I stroll by, in an effort to not exchange words. I’ve no words left. I’ve nothing at all left for this place or for the people who occupy it, except for all of my love in parting. I am leaving for us all. I am going for us all. Most of all though, I leave here for me. I accept what I couldn’t accept all along and I say a prayer of thanks for all of the lessons and the blessings I have acquired here. I shall not pass this way again. Not in words nor deeds, not in death nor in life…shall I pass this way again.

For all of you who have known me for so long, I am here to let you know that the letting go has taken place. There is still some pain and as it lifts, I don’t want to talk about my family of old anymore. I don’t want to swim in this pool of pain anymore and I don’t want to inflict anymore pain either. I am simply walking away. To each and every person who has journeyed with me, thank you. To my mom and Dad, thank you. To myself, for finally knowing my own worth, thank you.

I stand here in the sun awhile, as I reflect on where I’ve been, before I head to where I’m going. I vow to not look back. I vow to seal the vault and to not return to this place again. This truly is finally finished. Walking away this morning, I know that I am saving us all, for our work here is done together. For all of those lessons, most especially the ones I now claim as blessings, I am so thankful.

As I finally turn around, I see all of you waiting with open arms for me. Thank you. Thank you for waiting for me to get it. Thank you for not giving up on me.

I am somber this morning, for I feel that I m at a funeral, laying to rest my entire life and all of those I’ve loved. I mourn as the caskets begin to close and lower into the ground around my mom. My family has forsaken me and I have forsaken them. I bury my past and all of its sickness and dysfunction this morning, I thank God for another day. This service is over and we are all free to depart from here and resume our own lives. All of my love family. All of my love and no more of me here anymore.

For a while I may not want to speak of my life before now. For a while, I just want to be silent and to learn what I don’t know. Thank you all for loving me through the most difficult task of my entire life…letting go of that which no longer serves me.

For all that I am not, there is much that I am. For all that you are not, there is much that you are. For all that we can no longer be for each other, let us go and be for someone else. This life is too precious and too short to spend one more moment in my past. Cold Tofurkey this morning, I quit my past! And so it is!

I have had the most epic studio sessions in the last couple of weeks! Yesterday was no exception. I am able to offer one session this coming week if anyone is in need. I’m still getting some things squared away in my life and will have more time soon. For now though, if you need time with me, please PM me as soon as possible so I can prepare a space for you. Thank you to everyone who has scheduled. My time with you in studio session heals us both and I am so thankful for this time with you! Thank you.

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! That is exactly what I am going to do…I am going to go enjoy my new life! All of my love today, to each of you.

A love challenge for each of us today…and go!

Good morning! I hope you woke up in a good place this morning. I know that makes all of the difference some days…just waking up in a good place. I woke up in tears and I cannot tell you how much this happens. I struggled a lot missing my mom yesterday. I just wanted to go and meet her so we could talk. I miss talking to my mom. There was no where to go and nowhere to meet her and the pain of that was just so overwhelming for me yesterday. I guess I must dream about her sometimes and then I wake up without her and it’s just really hard.

Anyway, enough about me. How are you? I know some of you are sure going through it. I feel you and I love you. Some of you I have been praying so very hard for. I feel your pain and your struggle and I know how real it is for you. Your decisions and your addictions and your pain…I see you my friend and I feel you and I am you. Do not be dismayed my love. We are all just walking each other home. Just take my hand and let’s stick together, okay?

This morning I want to thank you all for being here. Over 20,000 hits and so many of you following…thank you! We are a hot fucking mess some days, and here we are together anyway. That feels nice, doesn’t it?

I began this blog in December of 2016 after my mom died in December of 2015. The pain…so enormous and overwhelming, the words and the feeling of it all being stuck inside of me…the grief and the trauma and the need to get it all out…that is what began Coralsblog.com For those of you looking for me, here I am! For those looking to avoid me, here I am. I figured that would make it easy to find me and just as easy not to. People have found me that didn’t want to, on here and contacted me for various reasons, and I’ve done my best with that. Mostly though, people come here looking for me. I want to be here so you can find me. I bring a raw and unedited version of me into this room and I spill my fucking guys, literally, in here. My pain often triggers your pain, so please be mindful of that, as it’s not for the weak or faint of heart. I offer private studio sessions if you want to go deeper. I opened studio for the first time again last week and the healing is astronomical in here. I will put up two sessions this week, as my time is still pretty limited with AA meetings, my amazing clients and the Sanctuary. I will offer two, two hour sessions this week, so please hit me up if you need some studio time. I know a few of you have asked and I want to be available, so here you go! You asked. I heard you and I have prepared a place for you. Give me a shout as soon as possible so I can get you scheduled. I will only open up two spots this week, as I only have that to offer of myself this week.

This blog, this healing room…I created this space to get it all out, rather than keeping it all in. I come here to write this shit out of me so that I can begin to heal. I write for me. I write about my life. I write to heal us all. The more difficult the topic, the more of you reach out personally to me. Keep reaching because that is why I am here and that is how we heal. Our pain…our trials and tribulations…we must share the burden with each other my brothers and sisters. We must begin to really give a fuck about each other. This room is for that…to give a fuck and to be given a fuck about. We all need a place to go where the door and the arms are open and I created this space for each of to have that. There is an actual healing room, where you can sit down with me and we can work together to heal and grow. This room came about and came to be as a result of this blog. This healing and this opportunity to live and love out loud is in this writing, in this blog and in your willingness to do your own work. Seeing me fall apart is helping all of us get our pieces gathered up and put back together. This is a safe place and this is a loving place. Some days this is a difficult place and even an empty place sometimes. The healing room is always open though and I am always loving the shit out of you, wherever and whoever you are.

Today, I want you to do something for me. Each and every one of you…this is a challenge for you for today. I want you to take the biggest challenge in your life right now. The biggest one you’ve got…bring that on up here to me. Scoop that heavy, unsightly and out of control little bastard up here and hand it over. Drag that fucker up here. Kicking and screaming and yelling….round that bitch up and hand her to me up here. We are going to unravel this beast together, you and I. We are going to tackle her together and get you headed back on your path. How does that sound? I know you’re getting your proverbial ass handed to you. Me too. It’s a bitch, isn’t it? All of that flailing and fighting and yelling and kicking and screaming…all of that emptiness and the enormity of your pain. I feel you. I cannot not feel you my friend. Your pain is raw and real and true. Your pain is as simple and as complex as my pain, and likely for the very same reason. You are screaming inside…fucking wailing inside to be heard and touched and loved…to be seen and known and important. You are so fucking done being all used up for someone else who doesn’t even fucking see you. You are scraping your ass along, just trying to get by, just until you can offer yourself more. You gave up everything, and you’re about to throw yourself in there too, with all of your possessions, into the pile of shit to give away. Don’t do it. Don’t do this to yourself. You do not belong in that pile of shit to give away, shit that is too big or too small or just too fucking ugly to look at anymore. You do not belong in the donate pile or in the huge pile for the dump, so grab my hand and climb on out of there. Come on…take my hand, and let’s get you out of here. You are fucking glorious and beautiful…let’s get you up and dusted off. Jesus’s, you are glorious! I have no idea where the fuck You were headed and I’m not sure you did either. No bother, let’s just get you out and cleaned up and go from there. Let’s get you some choices and some options. Let’s get you to see your beauty and to feel your own strength before you throw yourself away again, okay? How the fuck do I know this?!? Am I spying on you?! Jesus Coral…what the fuck?! Don’t get your panties in a bunch…I know because I see you and I watch you and I love you. Many of you… I see myself in you. I am you. I too, have discarded myself to be who someone else wanted or needed, all of my life. I too, took my own self out with the fucking trash after being thrown away one too many times. I too am crawling out of that trash can and looking around at the destruction all around me, wondering what in the fuck I have done…and what the fuck to do now.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. This disease and the destruction this disease causes are real. The fallout and the horrors…regrets and countless opportunities to begin again. Marriages annihilated and children abused…careers destroyed…children abused and raped…animals left to fend for themselves and babies without mommies…unpaid bills and repossessed automobiles…bankruptcy and financial ruin…I have seen so much in such a short little life. You have too, haven’t you? We can be each other’s happy instead of each other’s pain…did you know that? We can lift each other up, instead of dragging each other down into the depths of our own despair and shit, can’t we? We can listen to each other and we can care for one another. We can love each other, even if we are just learning how to do that for ourselves. We are so fucking powerful! We are so beautiful! We must take our power back. Someone unplugged our cord and I am here to plug us back in again! I am here to light us back up! I came here to love you and to walk you home. My name is Coral and I will be your guide today. Take my hand. I’ve got your heart. Let us find where you really belong and let’s get you there, okay?

Let’s get you to a meeting. Let’s get you that amazing and priceless cup of AA coffee, shall we? Let’s get you up out of that abuse and dust you off again. Let us get you out of that job that tempts your own sobriety and into a place where you can use YOUR gifts. Let’s get you out of that abusive space you call home and into a safe and quiet place to heal. Let’s get you out of that hospital and back into your own life. Let’s get you into a detox program so that you stand a chance in hell of actually making it through this. How about you take my hand and just sit with me a spell. Tell me your heart. Say nothing at all. Rest in my arms. Cry into my armpit. Do what you need to do…just do something to take you out of that fucking trash pile today. Take my hand and let your heart attach to my heart…close your eyes and take three breaths. Breathe with me. Deep inhale through your nose and slow exhale through your mouth…just relax and breathe with me. This is not your end. This is your new beginning. This is your opportunity to see you for the beautiful being that you are, instead of the person you’ve come to be in all of this trauma and stress and pain. Don’t fret. Don’t beat yourself up. Just take my hand and we will figure it out. You are not alone. As alone as you feel, you are not alone.

I fucking love you and I believe in you. I see you and feel you and know you. Your challenge today…do one thing to really love yourself, like a verb. Just one thing. One loving and kind and thoughtful thing…for yourself today. And if you feel like it, tell us in the comments what you did to love yourself, to give us all some ideas to love ourselves too. Sound like a plan? Okay, everyone …one loving thing…and go!

I love you. Have a beautiful day! Go out there and love yourself like a verb today my friends! This is the only way we will ever love anyone else…we must first learn to love ourselves. Let us get loving shall we?

I am so thankful for AA coffee…

Happy Monday morning. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I am blessed to have had some amazing client appointments, spectacular studio sessions and I hit a few meetings. My weekend was full and my heart is full. My struggle is real and my heart is full just the same, which I am grateful for.

For me lately, I feel tethered to nothing. I feel like I’m just flailing around out here, desperately trying to connect to something solid, something tangible…all things love and light and truth. My life has become unmanageable, which has enlightened me to the disturbing reality that my life has always been unmanageable. I have always been out there, flailing around and tethered to nothing or no one. Alcohol fueled all of that momentum nicely my whole life, and now I feel empty of my fuel. I feel like I don’t have what it takes, like I don’t know where to get what it takes, other than the loving rooms of AA. And so…that is where you will find me. I didn’t learn these principles at home. I didn’t learn these things in church or school. I didn’t learn many things at all and so I am learning now, how to be a good human being and how to not be selfish and self-serving. I am sad to know how selfish I have been, how selfish I often still am and how far I’ve left to go, as I feel pretty stupid standing here, not knowing. I feel pretty bad about some things I do know and some mistakes I did make. I feel really sad about where I came from and the sickness I was born into. I feel isolated and alone and confused as I begin to unravel what I couldn’t even fucking look at before. AA is not for the faint of heart and yet it’s the only thing left for me. My faint heart will simply have to man the fuck up, roll up her sleeves and get a fucking grip on reality. Sobriety is sobering. Sitting in the rooms and feeling brand new, listening to people’s stories and holding space for broken hearts, I know I am home and I know that I am where I belong.

In our church growing up, we hosted AA meetings. I remember that they had blue bibles and we had black ones. They were sick and we were not, so stay away. Don’t touch their cabinet and stay away from them if they are here. They are smokers and drinkers and stay away from them. I never knew what any of that rhetoric meant. I only know I see and feel people like that in the churches I now frequent for my meetings. No one wants what we have…they want to get the fuck away from us so they don’t get it. So…to cheer you up a bit…you cannot get what I have by sitting next to me. You cannot be stricken with my story simply because you hear it. AA is for people who are sick and some of them smoke and we do have blue bibles. We are closer to God than many of the people in the pulpits. We are more wise than the matriarch of most common families. We alcoholics are a sick fucking bunch, gathering together to tell our stories, in an effort to live well. We drink the most amazing coffee that you will ever taste in the rooms of AA…as my sponsor pointed out yesterday…AA coffee is some humble fucking coffee. Every AA cup of coffee is the best fucking cup of coffee I’ve ever had, as it is brewed in the rooms of AA, and it fits perfectly into my shaking and sweating hands. AA coffee tastes like humble…tastes like healing…tastes like the life we are living. I am so fucking thankful for AA coffee. I fucking love AA coffee. The days that I fuel myself on AA coffee are the best days because I am reminded that I am doing my best to get better. AA coffee…there is nothing like it and they always leave the coffee pot on and the light on for us…Always. None of my friends in addiction could offer me that…only one friend in my addiction offered me AA coffee and stale Oreos…and I accepted, simply because she needed me to go to a meeting with her.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I have not touched alcohol in almost six years. My mom got cancer and died quickly and unexpectedly and I did not drink. My Dad decided that I just wasn’t for him anymore and he left and I didn’t drink. My brother, who used to be just down the hall, feels so, so far away and I wish I could go have a drink with him, like old times, and catch up. I miss my little brother so, so much and in all of this depression, I can’t reach or reach back much. I see my family blown apart, and I don’t drink. I struggle in my marriage and I don’t drink. I hustle to make money and to not have to struggle making money and I don’t drink. Friends and family scattered like wildfires and I do not drink. Medical issues plagued me and I was prescribed enough drugs to kill off a small army and still, I did not drink. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. My place is in the rooms. My life has become unmanageable.

I thank God for my seat in A.A. and for the best fucking coffee in the world. I know that I belong here and that I am always welcome here, no matter which room I wander into. All are welcome here, as long as you’ve a desire to quit drinking, you can come and drink the best coffee ever with me. You can brew your own and you can but your own and you can bring your own…you will never have a better cup of coffee though, than the cup of coffee in those little white styrofoam cups in the rooms of an A.A. meeting. As you are shaking and sweating and crying and barely able to be here at all, your little cup of coffee will shift hands and sit next to you on the floor…maybe on the seat next to you…and you will be next and you will forget about your coffee at all, as you share. You will either have just had the longest three minutes of your life or the time flew by too quickly for your share…and you will reach down for that white styrofoam cup, to grab the security of that cold ass cup of coffee. You will see the coffee makers in the distance and the tear-stained faces all around you, and you will grip your big book like your life depends on it, for you are in the loving rooms of AA and you feel so, so alone. You will watch the clock and pray that time starts to crawl, for time is passing and soon, the doors will open and the coffee will be gone and everyone will scatter. In these final moments, as I scrape myself together, I just want to live in these rooms and drink this coffee until I can stand on my own again. And so, I will live in these rooms and drink this epic fucking AA coffee, gather and collect my phone lists and a new highlighter…I will live and love in these rooms until I can live on my own again. I will thank God for every single cup, for every single drop, of AA coffee. AA coffee is the stuff that allows the broken healing and the unwelcome to be welcome. AA coffee lets us all be the same for an hour at a time, as we prepare to share and heal our stories together. AA coffee is the only coffee for me right now, as I grab another cup and take my chair. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.