Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

In loving memory of Duncan and a 2nd writing from Robin Dyer…

Good evening everyone. Thank you for all of the love and prayers. Duncan is greatly missed. Tamara and I are silent in our own grief right now. Tamara and I are blessed to do the work that we do. We are also destroyed sometimes, when we lose our best friends. Please send all of your love to Tamara and Samuel…today has been heartbreaking. We are devastated. Fly free Duncan, until we meet again. We love you and we are so grateful for our journey with you! Samuel keeps looking up for you. Could you let him know where you are and wrap your wings around he and Momma Tam tonight? Thank you my friend. Thank you. I love you Duncan.

And, to my sister Robin…thank you also, sister for sharing your journey with me. You’ve a beautiful family sister and I feel both blessed and honored to be amongst you all during this time. This will be the highjacking of my blog…please welcome again, my sister Robin Dyer…

It’s not like you would think you know. Death…dying. Leaving and staying. It’s not like you would think. It’s not easy or hard. It’s not fast or slow. It just is. The glimpses and the smells, the jolts that take you back…like nodding off while falling asleep. Death isn’t like you would imagine it to be, at least not for me.

I am dying at home with my family and I am so grateful. I am in my final hours now. I am at peace. I am where I belong. I must die to live again and so I shall. Dying though, it’s not like you would imagine it to be.

My angel uses my good hands and my old self to decide what needs to be said and what simply stays and what goes. I guide her to guide me home, my way. We will do this my way. I am an anomaly. I do it my way. I will die my way. I lived my way, did I not?

My beautiful Dennis with raw fingers from strumming his guitar all night. My girls, like raccoons, with weary eyes and sleepy heads. Me, lying in the middle of it all, just taking them all in, one last time, before I go. I am going you know, on and in my time. I am here and I am gone. I am there and I am over here. I am under and over. Behind and ahead. I am everywhere and nowhere. I am at peace. I am tired. I want to be with my family now. I am thankful for my beautiful family. We know. We each know. I’ll not be far away. I’ll not be far away at all.

This was written by Robin Dyer to her family this evening though the hands of her angel.

Please pray for Tamara and Samuel. Please pray for Robin and her family. For Dennis and Tiffany and Tam, as they say their goodbyes. With all of our love tonight, let us lift them up and hold them tight in our arms. And so it is. Goodnight everyone. Thank you. I love you.

Sharing the struggle…

I have been so blessed to be down here with Nahko Bear. We have grown together. We have come to know one another deeply and profoundly. We have both learned a lot in our time here together. This morning we go to the vet for her re-check, so please say a little prayer for Nahko Bear today! Nahko has been such a good girl and we have really bonded down here. Naps in the baby bear den have been the highlight and being able to work on her incision 24/7 since she came home has been epic, in terms of her recovery. Mala Bear is going out of her mind without her sissy! Nahko and Tamara and Mala and I thank all of you for all of the love and prayers, as we feel you and appreciate you so much!

I want to talk about you guys this morning. How are you? I haven’t heard from many of you and your absence is noticed. I’m sure many of you have not heard from me also. Being in the world is hard for me sometimes, and so I’m not out much unless I have to be. Does this happen to you too? You make it to work and you go places that feel cozy and safe and otherwise lockdown? I find that I do this more if I’m not feeling well or if I’m hurting. So, I’ve flown under the radar for a few years now. I notice that some of you do that too. I just want you to know that I see you. It’s a lonely place to be sometimes. I see you.

I know that many of you are suffering and I want you to know that I’m sorry you don’t feel well. Being in such a state makes it very hard to find healing. I have been stuck in my suffering and so I have been stuck. Like quicksand at times…pulling me under unmercifully and without reprieve. I feel this in you too and I want you to know I see you.

Many of you have lost someone. Some of you are losing someone right now. I see you and I feel you. There is no good way to let go. There are no right words. There just is. When I sat next to my Mom as she died, it just was. Afterwards it was so, so many things. As she peacefully slipped away though…it just was. We just were. She and I…in that moment…we just were and it just was. That just came to me, by the way…the peace of that moment. Every time I have been present when a heart stops beating, there has been peace in that single and solitary moment. The moments immediately following are utter chaos. The moment she went though…pure peace. 12:06pm was peacefully. Every moment since has been a living fucking hell for me…that moment of passing though, was the most peaceful I have ever known with her. The moment my mom just let it all go. Sixty six years and finally a last breath and a moments peace. I am blessed to have been there. My mom saved that for me and I am honored and blessed to have held her hand when she took her last breath. I am humble to have been with her when her heart stopped beating and she left this place. My mom carried me in and I carried my mom out. Anything either one of us may have missed along the way, and we both missed plenty….we shared our most sacred moments with one another in this lifetime. We were there for the comings and the goings. We held each other closest when it mattered the very most. I am finding peace in the things that have brought me the most pain and I am grateful. I miss my mom and I am glad that she is at peace. I miss my mom and I am happy to be finding my own peace in the loss of her.

I know it is different for everyone and I know that losing those we love the most is never easy, no matter how evolved we think we are. In my life, there wasn’t really preparation for death. Death was scary and uncomfortable and something to be feared. Death was the end and something to avoid at all costs. I do not see death that way at all anymore. Death is not something to fear. Death is a welcome home. We love our whole lives just to die…and we live in fear. Why do we fear death so much? Death is the reprieve at the end of a life cycle that warrants rest. We finally get to rest. Why do we fear resting so much? Why are we so resistant to being dead when all we do is bitch about how much we hate our fucking lives? So puzzling to me…these things in my life that I have feared for always. Death is not to be feared. We will all be dead one day. No matter what God you do or do not believe in…we will all be dead someday. God. No God. Faith. No faith. Nothing changes dead for any of us. Dead may be your end and dead may be your beginning. Either way though…we live our whole lives to wind up dead. Not one of us, no matter what we have gained in life, dies with anything other than us. I think it’s pretty profound to think that we are all so different that we neglect to acknowledge that we are all exactly the same. Death will teach you that if your life failed to do so.

When we die, people will gather ’round and be as they are. We will be dead and we won’t see how loved we really are. We will have lived our entire lives feeling alone, in the middle of love we never even knew existed. Death is not what gets us. We live our lives without really living at all…and then death comes for us. I think that’s something to avoid at all costs, don’t you think so? I mean to be so afraid of dying that you never even live your life. I believe that my mom was more afraid of living than she was of dying. I think a lot of us are like that. I’m just here to suggest that we give it a good honest try before we go…this living thing. Give it a try…living your life on your terms. What would that even look like for you? And not with reckless abandon…with loving intent, shall we all move forward, into our own lives.

I want to share something with you. A personal battle that I found myself in and how I resolved it. I hope it helps you to know that you have more control over yourself and your life than you think you do. Her it goes. I have been on Trazadone since my mom got sick. It was prescribed to me to help me to sleep. I wasn’t remembering how I got to and from my parents house to my house. I was so fucking exhausted and grief-stricken, and my doctor put me on trazadone. Thank God! I have tried to come off of it a few times and every time I try to quit taking it, I cannot sleep. My doctors have kept me on, as I desperately need my sleep. When I came down here with Nahko, to live with her in the studio until she gets well, I went off of my trazadone. I will not lie, it has been hell. Apparently, I became dependent upon this drug to sleep at all and without it, well, I got no sleep at all, for days. It worked out okay though, Nahko needed me to be awake and ready to help her. I sweated and shook and shitted and felt like I was going to vomit. I felt like I was fucking dying. I hit a low, low, of the lowest lows in my depression. I tossed and I turned and I thanked God there was no clock to show me how excruciating slow this was going to go down. I had no idea that I was addicted and I had no fucking idea that “cold-turkey” detox from trazadone is not at all recommended, until after I quit that way. Here’s the thing though…it felt like poison to me. All of a sudden, my body said no…stop taking it…you don’t need it…you have to stop, and so I did. It has been fourteen nights without trazadone, fourteen slumber parties with Nahko Bear…and I am good! I have absolutely no pharmaceutical medication in my system. I beat an addiction that I didn’t even know I had. I sweated and shitted and urinated out what no longer serves me. This isn’t for everyone, and yet this is the only way I will ever be able to do me…the way it makes sense to me. I was talking to a friend who mentioned that she was struggling with sleeping pill addiction and it was then that I realized I may need to look at myself. I was right. Over the course of the past three years, I became dependent upon sleep medication, unbeknownst to even myself. Today, I am grateful for that conversation and for being able to set down what no longer serves me. Of all of the medication they prescribed for me, I am happy to report, that I no longer need any of it. Trazadone turns out to be an antidepressant, which I have never tolerated well, as so I suspect that some of my struggle with suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation, in addition to my CPTSD may be because I have been on an antidepressant all of this time. Off to therapy today to discuss all of this, as I really had no idea until I got deathly sick going off of it and started to research it that I was addicted to it, that I became aware of exactly what I was taking. Anyway, I thought I would throw this out there, just in case you find yourself in a similar situation. Who knew? I am so thankful that I have been able to overcome this and to detox from it without major fallout. I do not recommend ever doing this, especially without the guidance of your physician. I was already doing it before I realized that it could be dangerous. I’m done with it now and I am so thankful.

Have a beautiful day everyone! Always know that you are stronger than you think you are. We all are stronger than we think we are.

And the baby bear sleeps!!!!!

Happy Sunday everyone! Nahko and I are happy to announce that we slept last night! And Nahko is eating as we speak! And we just had our morning pee! These are the things that life is made of…these little celebrations that I often find myself too busy to celebrate. I am so blessed to be here with Nahko in the studio…so, so blessed. I feel that there are many lessons for us and even more blessings for us in this recovery and healing time together. Nahko is a gentle and wonderful teacher and I am blessed to have her.

The flip side of being in here with Nahko Bear is not being there with Tamara. I miss Prajna and Taos and Aliah and Rocky and Karma Kitty and Mala Bear too! Nahko and I see Karuna and Ahimsa a lot more though, which is wonderful! Tamara and I are good at flexing and we are getting better at it every moment!

Yesterday a volunteer canceled at the last hour. I got the text as I was hurrying home from a client and Tamara was in the studio with Nahko Bear, waiting for me and the volunteer to get there. I lost my composure for a moment, I won’t lie. ‘Twas Tamara who brought me down and reminded me of something I think we could all benefit from hearing. And so, I share it with you now.

When people volunteer here at the Sanctuary, it is a privilege to do so. To be here, in this space, with these amazing beings, in Sanctuary, is a privilege. There is nothing that will not get done if no one volunteers, that must be done. Everyone will be taken care of and have food and water and shelter. And Tamara is not wrong. Thank you for reminding me of this baby. Volunteer work is personal growth work and a privilege to have the opportunity to be a part of! Being of service is the blessing. Do what you love and love what you do. We are thankful, grateful and blessed up in here!

Right now it will be getting done with one arm behind our back, so to speak. Yesterday, over 600 pounds of feed was moved, multiple Sanctuary posts went up and in honor of National Pig Day, Sidney had beautiful reflections posted on our Facebook page, 42 beings were fed twice and watered. Pellets were hauled up the driveway and the pellet stove cleaned and lit. Dishes were done and dishes were done again. Laundry in progress and all in her PJs…4.9 miles and a lot of those miles uphill…and all I could do was sit in here listening to Nahko cry and watching my girl give it all she had. Tamara was ready to drop and she did not drop. Nahko needed me and everyone else needed Tamara. Tamara has never once not had everyone here, including me. And then the Jeep left the driveway to go feed our neighbors donkeys. The Jeep rolled back in and a short while later, Tamara walks through the studio door with dinner for me. One more time down the driveway so that I could potty and get ready for bed, give everyone a quick kiss and tuck them in for the night, my girl, exhausted in her PJs, kissed me goodnight. So if you ever think that one person does not matter or make a difference, I am here to tell you that you are mistaken. You do matter. You do make a difference. Don’t deny yourself of your health and happiness by not showing up and participating in your life. Volunteers volunteer for themselves, for their souls evolution and progress.

Nahko Bear needs one of us all of the time for a while, and so it is. We are so blessed to be able to love her how she needs to be loved. Asleep by my side, Nahko is so glad we are able to love her like that too.

Never give away your happy. Truly, just don’t fucking do it. I’m preaching to the fucking choir here and I’m the first to know that. Depression grabs me by ovaries that I don’t even fucking have anymore and twists them and wrenches them and crushes them under her feet. There is no mercy in depression. There is no fucking reprieve from the abyss that consumes me when PTSD and depression battle it out. I’m a fucking puppet and nothing except for helping someone else saves me. I was in such and abyss, in such a deep, deep abyss standing at VCA Thursday night picking up Nahko Bear. Nahko suddenly needed me a lot more than depression could hold me. Coral grabbed her PTSD and called Sam up to help her care for Nahko perfectly, as Sam is perfect. I was saved from myself and my own demons as I came to the aid of another. I was back here and now because Nahko Bear was hurt and she needed all of me. Thank you Nahko Bear for needing me so much that I had to come out of the abyss to help you. Nahko Bear has done far more for me than I could ever possibly do for her. Thank you Nahko Bear. Thank you Tamara for being as you are, for loving as you do. I love you baby! You are amazing!

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! Get out of yourself and be of service today. It may save your life. God knows it has saved mine many, many times. I love you!

FUCK DEPRESSION

Good evening everyone! Nahko and I are here to tell you that we survived the first 24 hours! What an amazing being our girl Nahko is! So powerful and resilient and so, so down and out. Momma Tamara and I have been with her around the clock and we will be with her until she is out of the woods. I miss my girl, and damn we are so blessed to do what we do. A quick kiss in passing as we keep our commitments and love our girl Nahko, through this. Another sleepless night as we hold each other and our babies through their trials and rough patches. A few minutes of slumber here and a couple more there and we could not be more blessed, for we are doing our work in the world.

I have been gone from here. I have been gone from myself, from Tamara and from everyone here at the Sanctuary. Depression has taken me from all of you and had her way with me. Sinking under the current and refusing to stay under, I am here with you now because I will not give in. I will take the hits as long as they keep coming and I will do my best. I will always do my best. My best is all I’ve got and so I give it all I’ve got. You do that too, don’t you? You give it all you have to give it, and then you want more of yourself, don’t you?

Being down here with Nahko and watching her sleep and cry in her sleep…seeing her eyes fade with the pain medication and her light dull under the duress of it all. Watching her stumble to get to me and knowing that not getting to me is simply not an option for her. Yes, I have been blessed for sure. My schedule needed some rearranging anyway! My schedule needed to fill itself with the things truly important to me. Nahko is more important to me than I could possible have known or imagined. I am grateful to learn now, what I have missed in my depression. Depression hurts. Our dogs know. Hondo and the goats know…Tamara knows…depression really does hurt. When we sink below our own horizons, we sink or we swim. We often sink for a long time before floating even becomes an option for us at all. Under the currents of life’s unforgiving thrashing, depression becomes our abyss. The depths of that abyss for me, often know no bounds. The past two days, she almost took me down too far to come back up again. So, it is with a thankful heart that I write this evening to tell you all that I made it. We battled it out but good this time and we raged on and on and on…

For those of you who struggle with depression, I send you all of my love, as I know this battle all to well. In our home depression did not exist. I believe with all of my heart that cancer just took my mom before the undiagnosed depression could. Just like cancer and piece by piece…depression destroys lives. I could have “FUCK DEPRESSION” tattooed right under the “FUCK CANCER” on the back of my head. I think I am almost out of fucks though…truly, almost out of fucks, for fucks sake.

As my life unrails to level itself a bit, I am thankful for a break from the depression that almost took me. FUCK DEPRESSION. Nahko and I will be spending our next few days Healing and coming back to life. Depression hurts. Surgery hurts. We hurt and we are here to get well.

Have a beautiful Friday evening and be safe! I love you.

A slumber party with Nahko Bear…

Good morning everyone! I haven’t slept much yet. Nahko Bear was spayed and had gastropexy surgery yesterday, so we slumbered together in the studio last night. Okay, I wouldn’t call it slumbering necessarily…more like nodding off, spooning, crying and snoozing for a few minutes at a time, to begin again. Nahko finally settled a bit around 1:00am.

What a beautiful and humbling experience, to spend the night with such a beautiful being last night. Seeing her as I’ve seen her, and seeing her as I am seeing her now…very humbling and beautiful. Nahko is the Santuario guardian. Mala and Nahko hate the indoors! They hate, hate, hate being inside. So being indoors with her is pretty hard to come by and I’m going to enjoy every moment with her. Nahko is not quite as thrilled as I am and she is being a good sport and getting some rest. These moments are bringing me home and I am so grateful, thankful and blessed!

My life is my canvas and my opportunity to paint is upon us. Depression has had her way with me for the last few days and I have been a hot fucking mess. The struggle is so real sometimes lately that I cannot lie, I’ve not been sure I would make it through. I’m still not sure I will make it through. I am sure of one thing though, I am going to give it all I’ve got. I am going to do my best to make me better. I am constant prayer and meditation and dousing myself with all of the musical medicine I can handle. I will give it all I’ve got.

My slumber party with Nahko last night gave me a peace that I didn’t know was in me. On the floor, and up on the couch and under the drafting table…anywhere for her to feel my touch and my love. Anything to hear her snore for a few minutes. Anything to silence her cries and to let her know that I would not leave her side. Everything I wanted and didn’t get when I was sick and needing to be held close and reassured that way. I gave her everything I had ever wanted, for giving her what I got was going to be of no comfort to either of us at all. I gave her all that I craved, to fulfill her own craving to be loved and touched. I buried my face in her bear fur and I thanked God for trusting me to care for Nahko last night.

This is how my disorder works sometimes…In a deep depression when I dropped Nahko off at the vet and even more so when I picked her up at the vet, I felt a little overwhelmed at first. I began to convince myself that I could not do it alone. That is when the C-PTSD begins to turn into a spin for me. I start to doubt myself and I get dealt a million reasons why I am insufficient to handle such tasks. As those things began hitting me, I often find myself so bombarded that I cannot cope. Yesterday though, I knew I could do it. Sam is very, very good with puppies and so I called on her to help me to give Nahko Bear the very best care. We did our best and we all worked together and I beat the spin that tried to overtake me. My own uncertainty causes me the most momentum in my spinning, and so I got certain real fast that I could do it. And guess what? We did it! Nahko Bear and Sam and I figured it all out! And with 10-14 days recovery, no running, easy steps…Nahko Bear and I will be living in the studio. We will continue to figure it out because that is how we roll!

Thank you for loving Nahko and I so much this morning. It was a hard day’s night, and one of my most cherished, as I am coming home. Please keep sending her all of your love and prayers for a quick and painless recovery. Please say it with me…”We love you Nahko Bear! Feel better soon!”

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! Off to nap with Nahko Bear!

I throw my bullshit flag high into the air!!!

Happy Saturday morning everyone! I fucking love you! Thank you for being here!

I know many of you are hurting and I am here to tell you that I see you and I love you. We try, don’t we? We keep scraping ourselves up and getting back up! We keep fighting the good fight. We are here for a purpose. We are here for a reason. This pain is our teacher. This hell is our launchpad into greatness. This is exactly as it should be and we are right where we are meant to be. Only we can change where we are at. If you do not like where you are at in this moment, may I ask you, what are you doing to change it? We stay the same because we are afraid of change. We don’t because we think someone else will. We know better. You are it. You are the one your life is for. Your Dharma…your journey…your growth. This is all about you my friend. Every single bit of it.

We came here and we are here. We only have a little while. We only get one shot here, to give it all we’ve got. Cancer is a mother fucking bitch in the night and she is here to steal your children, your husband, your dad and your sister…your mom and your little brother…your best friend and your lover. Cancer does not give one fuck. Cancer does not give a shit how you saw this all going down. Nor does the final moment before you pull your own trigger. There is no grace…no mercy in these things. No righteousness or rhyme or reason…Suicide does not wait for hope. Suicide cannot call up common fucking sense. Suicide is the final engulfment of all that you fought against, finally taking you over. Suicide is you taking yourself out of pain that we cannot know or judge or understand. We pretend to and yet, we don’t know your heart, your journey, your pain. These are not our things to judge you for. These are things for us to love you through. The heart attack that knew no fucking mercy…the one that took your lover in the night…these are our lessons my friends. These are our launching pads into greatness! Without the one you loved more than you loved your own self, what great things will you do now, with that shattered and beautiful heart of yours? With your pain, who will you help to heal?

The bottle…the pills…the food…the mind fucking thoughts…for today…just for today, can we set these things down? I will rest from mind fucking myself and you set down your bottle. I will consciously stay out of my head today. You eat consciously today. Eat what nourishes you and feeds your soul and that beautiful body of yours. Do not eat to fill up the gaping hole that food will not fill anyway. Eat joyously with friends, in laughter and celebration today! Enjoy every single bite. When you are full, set your fork down and be done. Fill yourself with joy and laughter and happy instead of the things that make you sick at your own sight. The bottle is always going to empty you more than it empties itself. Every single mother fucking time. One after the other, glass after empty glass crashing as you fetch yourself another drink…as your mind gets far away from you and your words trail off into oblivion without you…set the fucking devil down my friends. The demons are in those bottles and they will fuck you up every single time, for they know and care not who you are. They are your fucking void…your empty…your constant reminder that you are wasting your life, yourself, your love and your potential. Every sip…every swig, especially the ones you are lying to yourself about, will rip a little more of you away from you, away from me…away from us. For I won’t be there when you awake to yourself, to hold you and tell you it’s okay…You’re okay. You will wake alone again with your empty bottle and your own lies and you will be ashamed. You will be so ashamed in fact, that you will just keep drinking. You do not feel worthy to be whole, to be present, to be sober…and so you aren’t. I am here to suggest to you that you are more than this. You are so much more than the things that you allow to run your life. Set it down. Just set it down. And no matter who or what or when or where…you do not pick it back up.

I am vegan and I will always be vegan. Eating animals, my friends, is no longer an option for me. Period. I set it down. You did too, for the animals, stop eating them,right? You went vegan and never once looked back. Your life is now dedicated to the animals and you will never eat them again. Why is that? How can you be vegan, just like that, after eating dead flesh and secretions your whole fucking life? You stopped. And yet you cannot stop doing what is killing you? I know. I know. You’re sick. Me too my friend. Me too. Here is the thing, you have the ability to stop. You stopped eating flesh of your friends, simply because it is no longer an option, right? Many of you quit cold turkey, so to speak, didn’t you? For the animals, for compassion…you quit just like that. And yet, for you, you say you are sick and cannot stop drinking? I am going to hurl this bright yellow bullshit flag at you! I am going to bring a rare steak, smothered in dairy to your house, with a picture of our cows, Karuna and Ahimsa, and I am going to ask you to eat that fucking steak. In front of your plate, I am going to place a full glass of water and I am going to ask you to eat your friends and wash it down with something that won’t allow you to “forget” what you just did. This madness…this addiction…this thing you say you can’t control…why do you think so little of yourself my love? If I were presented with a rare steak, a bottle of wine and a glass of water, You will find me on a water fast until I find something else to eat and drink or until I pass away from starvation. Eating my friends and drinking the wine are equally as egregious to my soul. I will not because there is a power higher than myself who reminds me to repeat the serenity prayer until I feel it. To set it down and to thank God for my sobriety, just for today.

Have a beautiful Saturday everyone. Set it down and pick yourself up. We are all here waiting for you! We believe in you and we fucking love you! We simply want you to love you too!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

And the Angels came down again…

Good morning everyone! To all of my brave brothers and sisters who struggle in their separation from sobriety and divinity, in the struggle, I fucking love you! I really, really do. Be it alcohol, drugs, pharmaceuticals, food…we all struggle to sober ourselves from the addictions that we have to something. We may even often be addicted to someone or our idea of someone. The struggle is real for each of us.

The angels came down again yesterday and I received amazing and loving and nurturing massage from my beautiful sister and angel, I received acupuncture from an angel from the heavens and my first injection into my sciatic nerves on my left side from yet another angel. This morning, there is a bit of relief and I am so thankful! To everyone who lays hands and hearts on me, thank you for your love. Truly, I love you and appreciate your love so much.

I met my silly friend Sigrid for tea yesterday and I am so blessed to have my silly! We are kindred souls and I love our time together. We are ever the same and I am humbled. Thank you Sigrid, for all things. I love you silly!

My beautiful angel Regina reaches me daily and my heart giggles when I am with her. I love you Regina.

The love of my life and my soulmate, is a constant beacon and my light in the darkness. As I swim upstream, she is my legs and often my breath. As I go under, she is my life preserver. As I woke up feeling better, and she made me the most amazing breakfast again this morning, I thanked God for his grace and his mercy. I love you Tamara. I could not be more blessed. I know I don’t always say it and I sometimes forget to tell you that you are everything to me and I love you with all of my heart. I am so, so, so, so, so….thankful for you my love.

And Prajna held me close last night and nursed my wounds throughout the night. Curled up in me this morning, my best little friend in all of the world, P~Mama!!!!! I love you Prajna Mama! Thank you for how you see me and know me and love me. You are my very own little heart outside my chest and I love you with all of my heart.

Dear God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

I hope you have a beautiful Friday! I love you!

I cut this puppets strings and I set this circus down. And so it is.

Happy Sunday everyone. I hope you have a beautiful day planned today. I have a beautiful day planned with my girl and I am so happy to be spending today with her!

I realize that I have been vague and ambiguous as to what exactly is going on in my life for the last month. I really just don’t have words and the words I have had…well they have not been kind, and so as much as possible, I have held on to them. I have been in the most excruciating emotional pain of my entire life and I am done feeling this way. Tamara hit her breaking point last night and I woke to hit mine this morning. These girls are done and fucking done with the pain and drama that has infiltrated our lives…with the non-transparency and the lies and the manipulation and the fucking piles upon piles of bullshit…done and fucking done, we are with this rhetoric. I have cried enough tears in the last month to nearly drown myself. I allow the river I have cried since my mom got sick, to flush my heart of what does not belong to me. I allow the tears to wash it all away…wash it all away…wash it all away. And so it is.

I have learned that I come from the Cherokee Indians. I am 1/16 Cherokee Indian. These shall be the roots that grow deep into the earth to ground and center me. I shall begin to know my people and their ways…their traditions and their customs. Of all that I have come to know that I am, I choose to hold onto this. My mom mentioned this throughout my life…this small part of her lineage, that she seemed to care nothing much about, other than to see if it would qualify me for financial assistance for college. I on the other hand, didn’t give a fuck about college, and have always been far more interested in this piece of myself. Who am I and where did I come from? This information was given to me by my cousin last week and this is all I know of who I am, in lineage. So, if you know anything about me and who I am, I would love to hear from you. If you have a piece of this part of our lineage, I would love for you to share it with me, in a photo…in a story…in a handwritten letter…I would love to have a piece of that part of me. Truly, for me, I am going to take this piece of myself and I am going to let the rest go. I am choosing who I am and I am shedding who I am not. I begin with learning all I can about the People I come from, and their ways and traditions. This piece of myself has always called out to me and I call back now…I am ready. I am here. Please come for me and tell me from where I came. And so it is.

As I came down here to write this morning, stumbling on the wreckage of my past…Bruised and battered and all banged up. Shamed and embarrassed by shit that isn’t even mine…bleeding out for those who have gone on ahead of me and for those who left me behind…flailing and crashing about in all of this fucking rubble…I barely made it safely to the door of our healing space. I am fucking done. Truly, done and fucking done. I have come to let you know that if you are unhealthy for me, I have come to let you go. I will not exert any energy, any longer on anyone who does not love me honestly, openly and like a verb. I will not spend one more moment attempting to save The drowning, until I hone my own swimming skills first. Even then, I shall throw out a life preserver and I shall not be attached to whether you grab hold or not, for you are drowning and only you can save you from that. Only I can save me from this. I have finally come to know that this battle is with myself. I will not spend one more second hating myself. I have been in the very worst space and the very worst pain of my entire life for the past three years and forty days and I am fucking done. I am done and fucking done, dangling by the thread whose puppet master knows no bounds, no mercy and no compassion. Today, I cut this puppets strings and I set this circus down. For this is not my circus and these are not my clowns. As I look around me, I begin to laugh with abandon, at the clowns 🤡 all around me 🤡 look at the silly little 🤡 clowns!!!!! As I untangle myself from these strings and I realize I am finally free, I run with the clowns 🤡 to the gate that has held me! This circus 🎪…these 🤡 clowns….they are not even mine!!! Entangled in their stories and suffocated in their dysfunction no longer…this is not my circus and I am free to go!!!! Not my circus and not my clowns…not my circus and not my clowns…not my circus and not my clowns….and so I set this circus down. And so it is.

Thank you Tamara, for carrying me through the literal hell of the past three years and 40 days and 40 nights. The anguish and the pain…the primal cries and the destruction in our own lives, as a result, all behind us now. Thank you for carrying me when I could not even breathe and for breathing your breath into me when I could not find my own. Thank you for breaking last night, so that I could break this morning, so that we can be done with what is not ours. Thank you for the hell you have endured to see me through my own. Thank you for being my girl and my whole world. I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and always, my beautiful, dear, and amazing girl! Thank you for seeing me thorough this. We are done and fucking done with that which is not ours. And so it is.

To every single one of you who has held me though this storm, with all of my heart, I love you and I thank you. For every single prayer…for every bit of love…thank you. I love you right back.

For those tossed about by the turbulence of the forces that moved in us when we came together, I pray for your peace and for your return to stillness now. For those whom I chased after being dismissed, I cut the cord that binds us and set us both free to our own dharma now. To the circus and all of the clowns, my deepest thanks for hosting me. It has been quite a fucking doozie up in here, and I thank you for your hospitality and for your lessons, turning into blessings every single day. To anyone I have hurt and to everyone I have harmed, I offer my sincerest and most heartfelt apology to you now. I know I have been the clown in many circuses myself and so I acknowledge the disruption and I set the circus down. And so it is.

I hope you have a beautiful Sunday! As I untangle from the final string, held only by my own pause, I am off to love and live my life today! I love you!

Love letters from my Mom…

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday. After horrible nightmares all night long, I woke in a pain that just won’t quit. And so what do I do? This morning I wrote a letter. This letter hurt me more than any other I’ve ever written. I write love letters to the people I most need to reach, when I have lost my way to reach them anymore. When my words are no longer adequate, I take my heart out of my chest and I squeeze her into my ink, and we dive in together and we write. Some of you, few of you, have received such letters from me. I’m sure you knew not then, that I wrote with the ink of my very own hearts pen. These letters are pieces of my soul that I pull out to spread across a page, to help you to see me, when you’ve no longer your eyes upon me. As I went through some of my mothers things, there were many of these pieces of my soul in her possessions. I knew when I saw my writing, that even thorough the distance, my mother knew I spilled the blood of my own heart and soul to reach her. When I could not reach her any other way, I wrote to her love letters. When she could not reach me any other way, she read them. When my Mom could not reach me any other way, she wrote me love letters. When I could not reach my mom any other way, I read them. I read my Moms love letters still, when I feel that I cannot reach her.

Today, I offer a love letter, through this distance and this silence, to my Dad. My Dad checks his mail every day, even on Sundays 😘, so I know he will get the message that I prepared with all of the love I could muster in my heart, in the mail this week. My dearest father, my first love letter.

I cannot find the exact quote or the author, so if anyone can, please send it to me…I paraphrase below one of my favorite quotes of all time:

When words are no longer adequate, when our feelings are greater than we are able to express in a usual manner; people turn to art. Some people turn to the canvas and some people dance and some people paint. Some prefer music. We all go beyond our normal means of communicating, to express ourselves. And this is a common human experience for all beings on this planet.

This quote, given to me by my art teacher in ninth grade reminds me a love such as this that I have for my father, and so I write.

Thank you my sister for your texts last night which prompted this writing this morning. I love you.

I hope each of you have a beautiful Sunday. I love you. Thank you for being here.

I love you Dad.

Thankful for some time with Wayne today…

Good evening everyone. I am glad you’re here, as I learn to return here more completely. My absence of self has been overwhelming. I have been dark and sad and lost. Not wanting to say things I can’t take back and not wanting to blame…I just had to turn within for a bit. I am reconciled now and I pick myself up and I dust myself off and I forge ahead.

I was reminded by Wayne Dyer today that the wake cannot ever drive the boat. The wake is the trail left behind…our history’s and our pasts….we must leave our pasts behind us, where they belong, if we are ever to truly move ahead. I have been stuck looking to the trail left behind me, for guidance for my future, and that is why I am stagnant. I have reflected there and pondered there enough. I have not been here…right here, right now. I have been blinded by my own pain and paralyzed by my own fears and I’m done doing that.

I must not stay asleep. I must open my eyes to the beauty and inspiration that I am. We must all do this. We must all awaken to our callings. We must live our purpose and not the will of others imposed upon us any longer.

The worst pain of my life hit me and I knew not what to do. I did the best I could to stand up for what I believe in my heart to be right and just and true. I stepped out of bounds with my soul for a second to defend my heart and I’m okay with that. I have stepped back into my own souls purpose and desire. I set my sword down. I set my anger and my resentment and my entitlement and my expectation down. I set the weight of this pain that is crushing my soul down.

I thank you for being here. I thank you for being patient with me as I navigate this storm. Your love and prayers are priceless to me and I thank you. I pray for you also and I love you back! I am horribly wounded and learning to drop the illusion that my wake could ever possibly drive this boat. I am so thankful for Dr. Dyer…so, so thankful. I love you Wayne. Thank you!

Have a beautiful evening everyone. I love you.