Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

A brief visit from our sister Robin this morning….

Good morning everyone. I really don’t have a lot to share right now. I am horribly saddened by the state of affairs in our world. Senseless killing and so many people wishing they were not here…angry words and disposable friendships and families. Violence and hate being spewed from even the mouths of babes. Man, I’m fucking disheartened and sad about the way we treat one another. I am sad to be so unable to understand the world I live it. I have always felt that I am in this world and not of this world. Days like this, I feel this even more so.

I know I’m here to help, to be of service and to do life solid, by giving my very best. I really do try. I am way better at solving your problems than I will ever be at handling my own, and I am working on that. I am seeing so clearly that I can’t fix you. Hell, I obviously can’t fix me either. I show up where I am called and I often stay too long. I stay where I’m not appreciated or wanted or acknowledged. I show up excited to be a part of a world that you never even prepared space for me to be in and then I wonder why it feels shitty to be trying to be in it. It’s not my fucking world and this in not my circus and these definitely are not my fucking clowns!

And so I regress. Truly, on all things. In all situations in my life right now, I regress. I pull myself back and out. I pull myself up and out, and I pause, on everything. I am at a stand still on everything in my life…holding pause, turning within. I get to going so fast sometimes into and toward things that don’t feel just right to me, thinking this will right itself eventually. I see the error of my ways and I stand down and pause in my life, for a spell, to re-evaluate and to reassess my current situation. Big life decisions are on hold for me until at least October as I really take some time to feel how I feel and to end up where I belong. I’ve an offer in in a space that was accepted and then I realized that I’m not sure what I need the space for right now. So, right now, I slow my roll and pray and meditate a lot. For today only, I realize that I am right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. If the space is available in October and the clients are getting referred and booked, I will look again, into space outside of my current operating system. For now though, I have decided to work on the studio and to work on myself. I have decided that I prefer to lie kind of low and to turn inward as I re-evaluate some things in my life that are calling out to me.

I pray for patience and understanding, for love and light and for the ability to be content and in gratitude, no matter what. I pray for guidance and illumination. I pray for peace and prosperity. I pray for tolerance and understanding. Most of all, I pray to not partner with, end up with, or to be tied in any way, to anyone who does not listen to me, talk with me and value me. I remove myself from all situations that are not mine. I take my energy from that which has no concern for me. I lift up my brothers and my sisters who are on the brink of giving up, that they back away from the ledge that is beckoning to them. I lift up the sick and the broken and the beat down Lord, that you restore us to your glory, to your will and to your vision. May we be instruments of your peace Lord. May we be instruments of your love Lord. MY we be in your light Lord, always, in all ways. And so it is. Amen.

And our sister Robin chimes in…

I haven’t been up here too long, looking down over all of you. I’m not really up or down or over. I am everywhere now. From everywhere, I see how nowhere that you feel that you are. I watch you scurry around in a tizzy, trying to make it all just right….trying to line it all up and line it all out. I see your master plans in front of you, for a rebuild that isn’t yours. I see an overhaul coming on a rig that you haven’t fired up and taken out in decades. I feel your frustration and I raise you mine. You aren’t living your purpose. You aren’t fulfilling your Dharma. You are an ass kissing fool my friend. You are far more worried about being liked that you are about being yourself. You are way too worried about stepping on toes. You pick up the phone for people crying wolf while you are teetering over your own edge. Knock that shit off already! Truly, if they can’t love you, out loud, like a verb, and be elated that you showed up at all, keep on walking sister. If their cries simply get heard because they are louder than your own, you best raise yourself an octave or two or ten. You are a lame sitting duck Coral Dawn. You are a lame, and I empathize and emphasize at the same time, with lame sitting ducks my friend. What does anyone need or want with a lame and sitting duck? What does anyone want or need with someone who doesn’t feel worthy or good enough? What does anyone have to offer outside of you that you don’t possess within you? You don’t need office space. That space needed you. That space needed your love and your energy and your gift…you never needed that space. You were to sit in Lotus pose and pray for your world for hours and days on end, for a world who didn’t even open the door for you to enter. This is your time to stop and realize your error and to leave this place that doesn’t validate you, inspire you and open space up wide for you. This is true if all spaces, all people and all situations before you. If a space has not been prepared for you, this is your sign to walk by in love without crossing the threshold. If you can’t get calls and texts back and answers that don’t feel like dragging the bottom of a lake, you are notifying the wrong people, to light you up. If it feels wrong, it is because it is wrong.

Thank you for stopping in Robin, and for the message for us all this morning. Thank you for the angels who light my path. Thank you for a partner who loves me no matter what. Thank you for the love and support and input of friends and family, at a time when clarity eluded me. Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you! Great to spend time with you this morning sister! I love you!

Thank you for a beautiful Birthday weekend everyone!

Wow! How blessed am I? Truly, thank you for all of the Birthday love! What an amazing weekend, with the most beautiful and dear and amazing people! And further blessed by all of your calls and texts and messages and well wishes. Thank you everyone, so much for all of the love!

Thank you God. For everything. Amen.

My life journey promises healing space for us all. My life’s purpose is to give that away to everyone! Puzzlement has overcome me as to how to do that for my entire lifetime so far. Who am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here? What am I “supposed” to be doing? Where do I go from here, and how do I get there? So many loaded questions. So few answers to these questions. And yet, I have been doing this all along, to some extent, for my entire life, as we all have. I have been living my life’s purpose. As I know better, I do better. More conscious these days, I am aware of where I have fallen short. More willing to be wrong so I can learn who I want to be and less quick to blame others…and I am grateful.

I hope everyone has a blessed and beautiful day today! Thank you again for all of the Birthday love! I love you all right back!

I just sat there on that bench…

Good morning everyone! Happy Wednesday. I have tried to take some time to sort me out and as I re-emerge, I am struggling a bit. Struggling mostly to just do the next right thing in the midst of so very many wrong things that have gone before me. The struggle of losing so much has been so painful and I’ve contemplated suicide more than I care to acknowledge. I got to a point with all of this that I decided It would be best to just end it all, rather than to keep killing my self slowly. Even upon reaching that conclusion, I held on. I held on because I know I’ve work that must be done here. I held on for Tamara and for the animals and for many of you. When I simply didn’t value me enough to hang on for me, I held on for you. All of this holding on by a meager little thread has been too much…way too fucking much, too close to home…and too close to taking me from me and from all of you. We live in a world where life holds little value and so losing the entire worth of me wasn’t hard to do at all. I could have been dead in the next moment, mourned and buried and memorialized, in moments that followed and gone from your sight, all just like that. The pain got that bad and I got that hopeless. The hopelessness and helplessness and the depression…it all just got to all consuming and overwhelming for me and I nearly broke completely. In these moments, in this brokenness…I had to either give in and let it all go or I had to find my will to live again.

Yesterday was my turning point. Yesterday was my day to leave here or to start figuring out how to stay here. Yesterday was the straw that broke this camels back and I did what I had to do, to stay here with you for a while longer. Yesterday, as the tears overtook me and as the world around me just kept crumpling…as my heart barely beat anymore at all, I made a decision. I decided to start doing some mending and healing and to contribute to my own wellness a bit. I decided to detach from my past and from my story. I decided to be loving awareness and to actually be forgiveness, instead of just praying for all of that for us all. Yesterday, the break that had been cracking me in two, finally broke me and I landed on my knees.

I ended up at the cemetery yesterday, meeting my Dad for a spell. I have not seen or spoken to my Dad since January and I don’t go to the cemetery anymore. I saw my Dad on the bench when I rolled up and the dozen red roses in my moms vase. My moms grave was grown over a bit. No one seems to go there much anymore. There was a funeral taking place on one side of us and a funeral had just taken place on the other side of us. I remembered my moms casket setting up there, waiting to be lowered down like that. I felt the sting of that day, so many days ago, of burying my mom. Here I was, walking toward the man that I buried right next to her. My whole fucking life, in that cemetery, on that bench yesterday. As I sat there sweating and with a constant stream of tears rolling down my cheeks, I hardly looked at my Dad at all. I just couldn’t. I saw his white hair and I focused on my own shoes as I stared way off into the distance. A distance so far away from us that I couldn’t catch any simulation of normalcy from either side or from anywhere at all…I just sat there, on that bench reading headstones and trying to be attentive. The pain of it all though…the pain of it all just rendered me pretty lifeless and motionless myself. As I sat next to my Dad, on the bench in front of my dead mom yesterday, I realized that I was very far gone from myself. I told my dad that I just didn’t know what to do with all of this fucking pain. As I cried and tried to hold on to something, every single thing in my world just fucking left me. I literally sat there and melted and drained myself of me on that bench next to my dad. My Dad reminded me that I had to just let it all go…all of it. The abuse, the blame and the shame and the pain of it all…I just let it drain out of me. I haven’t known how to do that and yesterday I was finally able to do that. Sitting with the man who hurt me and whom I have hurt so much, in front of the woman who held it all together and who blew us all apart, I finally just came undone. In that cemetery, on that bench, with my Dad, we came clean. We fell apart a bit and we were quiet a lot. I felt myself longing to just be okay, to just be happy, to just be whole. I wanted all of those things yesterday, more for my dad than I wanted them from me. The wanting and the inability to rise from these ashes has almost destroyed me completely. The blame and the shame and the resentments have taken me from me, almost entirely. Whatever happened to me and to my life…to my family and to cause such fallout…I realized that it really just doesn’t matter anymore. Yesterday, sitting on that bench in front of my dead mom, inside of my half dead self, with my very broken father sitting next to me, I just let it all fucking die. Her, me, him…I just buried us all in that fucking cemetery yesterday. Actually, I buried us all with her the day they lowered her into the ground. I gave up, on everyone and on everything in my life, because nothing made any sense at all to me anymore. The loss of my mother, followed by the lost of my brother and my father, and my entire family…and I accepted all of that loss yesterday. It is finished. It is finally finished. Everything before me is gone and I have buried the girl who died in this tragedy, in that grave with her mother and her father and her little brother. I have finally laid to rest, my life and all that it holds, that no longer serves me. I have buried that little family of four on Kings Row and all of the hopes and dreams and ideas…the wants and the needs and the expectations of a lifetime. I have released my wants and expectations and I have removed my desires and my will from the man who I call my dad and from the man whom I call my brother and from the woman whom I called my mom. I buried the abuse and the inconsistencies…the doubts, the fears and all of the questions yesterday. That cemetery closed in on me and the world collapsed on top of me. I sat there on that bench as my entire life drained from me.

As we got up to leave, everything was fuzzy and faded and far away. I don’t know how I got to where I went after or to whom I spoke. I know I got there only by the grace of God, as a decided not to find a bathroom there and to go where I was expected for lunch. I arrived at lunch with my girl and my dear friend, who carried me some more, through all of this. I arrived home and I just broke into a million tiny little pieces. As all of this breaking off and letting go is taking place, I find myself just feeling like I want to be quiet and still. As I left that bench, I hugged my Dad for a long while before we departed. I got into the FJ and I felt myself to be sure I was still in my body. I still feel as though I’ve not returned to my body completely. Suddenly, and not so suddenly at all, none of it mattered anymore. None of it held any weight anymore. None of it mattered at all anymore. My dad and I are hurt people, who have hurt people and been hurt by people, just like every other people. My mom was a hurt people who hurt people and who was hurt by people. I am a hurt people who has hurt people and been hurt by people. My little bother and you and your own little brother, are hurt people who have hurt people and been hurt by people. I realized yesterday, that it’s what we do with all of this pain that really matters…not what hurt us and landed us here in the first place.

On that bench in the cemetery with my Dad yesterday, I just let it all go…all of it. The only thing left and the only thing that matters anymore at all, is what I am I going to do with all of this. What I am going to do with all of this is that I am going to lift it all up in prayer this morning…all of it…and ask for forgiveness and to be forgiven. I am going to send it all back to the universe, all of it, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. So, for each of us this morning, whatever it is and whomever you cannot seem to forgive, I lift you up and I ask God to take our burdens from us this morning, that we all might come clean this morning. I lift up my Dad, with all of my love and light, right into the hands of God this morning, that he and I sit next to each other once again, in Gods hands and be cleansed, forgiven and returned to wholeness. I pray for each of us this morning to come clean with God, to bathe and rinse and dry off in the sun, as we release the pain of a lifetime behind us, that we may make our way I to the light of this new day. I lift up every single member of my blood family that they also be washed clean and restored to Gods will and set down in love and light, that they may also detach from the disease and dysfunction of many lifetimes that has tainted us all. God, hear our prayer. Lord, lift us up and forgive us our sins and those who have sinned against us, that we may be lighter and brighter and ready to serve you. In your holy name Lord, I ask these things and offer myself to thee, to do with me as thou wilt. I ask all of these things for the least of us, for we are the most of us, that we may know that we are home Lord. Thank you, for everything Lord. Amen. And so it is.

I close this morning with all of my love and with all of my thanks and with a very humble and grateful heart, for all of the good things coming! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Good morning. I’m sorry I’m so distant. The struggle is real and I am just finding my way through it. My life is in the serenity prayer and daily meetings as of late. I am blessed to have a sponsor and a meeting to chair to keep me coming back. The rooms are the most welcoming and inviting place for me to be right now, as my life has become unmanageable. The rooms are where I belong if I wish to stay out of the abyss that has taken me before, in times like these. The rooms are my safe zone and that is where you will find me until I’m strong enough to make it on my own.

I am so thankful, grateful and blessed to have my sobriety. Dry drinking though, has led me back to the meetings and the rooms and my tribe. Five and a half years sober and I got a desire chip yesterday, to remind me how fragile we all are…how fragile I am right now. Drinking is not the only danger in losing ones sobriety and ones self. For me, drinking does begin the downward spiral that I have fallen into so, so many times before. I know with all of my heart that I would not come out of it alive again.

I am so blessed with an amazing partner and so thankful for the gift of the rooms and my tribe. So thankful to my sponsor for swooping me up and taking me under her wing at this time. I struggle and yet I know how truly blessed I am. Thank you to each of you who carries me through. Thank you for your love me. I love you too.

I cannot explain the place I am in right now, other than to say again that the struggle is real. To each of you struggling, I love you. To each of you loving me through my struggle, thank you. Have a blessed and beautiful day today.

If you would like to, please pray with me this morning:

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday everyone! I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned for yourselves. I am getting ready for clients and so my weekend is off to a good start so far. I am so blessed with such amazing clients and my work is not like work at all, which I am so thankful for. I am pausing while Tamara is down and so I’m sorry I’ve not been as available as I like to be. My schedule will open up soon. I am actually offering some Sanctuary studio sessions outdoors. I have been working really hard to create space for healing sessions out in nature. I call them “our secret gardens” and they are throughout the Sanctuary. These spaces are being created with healing energy portals and they are highly sacred and charged to heal. So…some very exciting news on the horizon on that front.

All of the animals are doing very well. They sure do miss their momma Tam while she is healing. Tamara is integrating back in and everyone is taking care of each other. We feel blessed beyond measure for the life we live up here on the mountain. We thank you for your love, support, and all of your reaches. We feel you and we thank you and we love you.

If you are interested in a healing studio session with me out in the mountains, please get in touch with me. I am putting together some great material for our healing, and I look forward to hearing from you. Spaces are limited as Tamara heals and please know I will always make time if you need me.

Lots of reflection lately and lots of things to look at and feel and work through in my life. I have been struggling for so, so long. I know many of us have been struggling for so, so long. I know my purpose for being here is to love us home and I’m just now learning how to love and that I fucking suck at it. How can you suck at your own life’s purpose? I know, right? Very discouraging for me to learn that I am an unlovable and loveless lover…simply because I don’t know how to love. This is true. I do not know how to love. The love I learned wasn’t so much love at all. I am teaching myself to love the way that love feels right to me. I am learning to love and I want to invite you to learn and teach love with me. That is why I am here and so I am looking forward to becoming a good lover as I learn to love me and you and everyone else just a little better than I did yesterday. Love is a word that has been used and misused…misguided and abused…hurtful and pointed…those things are not love. Love is an unconditional place…an accepting and warm and inviting place. As I create this in my life and my reality, I cannot wait to share it with all of you! We all deserve to learn how to love and be loved, and so if you are down for it, I invite you on this journey of love with me!

For today, I begin by praying for grace, mercy, peace and understanding in my life, and that above all, I may be those things and offer those things for others today. For today, that is enough. I love you. Have a beautiful Saturday!

Sunday morning thoughts…

Good morning and happy Sunday everyone. Thank you for all of the love and prayers. I feel you guys and I really do appreciate each of you. I really do just have my head down. I am pushing through some really hard stuff. I feel really wide open and the pain is relentless. So, if I have not called you or messaged you back…if I canceled last minute…I really am sorry. I am not in a good place and I am unable to juggle everything right now. If I have been a shitty friend, I really am sorry. I am finding that right now, I don’t have much to offer outside of myself and my household and my clients.

I am taking a couple of new clients. I have been debating for a while and I decided to open up a couple of studio sessions and to take a couple of more weekly client sessions also. I offer one hour sessions, two hour sessions and custom sessions, all geared toward healing and growing into healing space. All sessions will be billed and paid at the time of service. I accept cash, checks and pay pal. Please contact me at 505-269-9242 if you are interested in working with me. Spaces are limited and will booked on a first come, first serve basis. I know there are a few of you who have been waiting for this opportunity, so please hit me up!

Other than that, today I just want to be out in nature. I am drawn to the open space and the energy of the wide open right now. The solitude suits me and I pray for guidance, mercy, faith and humility, as I go about my day.

Memories flood me of past days out in the yard with my family. Digging in the dirt with Shawn and “working” so hard alongside my Dad. Now I just feel empty and hollow and broken, digging in the dirt all by myself. I cry a lot. I cry constantly and non-stop sometimes. I break a lot and flail a lot and sob a lot. I just could not possibly have imagined my life being so absent of the family that I held so close to me for so long. I don’t feel sorry for me. I just fucking hurt for me all of the fucking time lately. For those of you holding space for me, thank you. For all of the love and prayers for Tamara as she heals and finds her new normal, I appreciate you more than you know. The struggle has definitely been real for us and so we appreciate knowing that you’ve got us in your heart and your prayers. Thank you.

To anyone I have wronged, please know that I truly am sorry. I am learning that I’ve not always occurred the way that I thought I occurred. I am learning that I haven’t always been the best friend or girlfriend…the best employee, student or employer…the best sister or daughter or lover. I am flawed in ways that I was unaware. I am sorry if I hurt you in my absence of my own self. I am sorry if I disregarded you in my own pain. I’m sorry if I didn’t see you and hug you and hold you closer. My truth is that I really don’t know how. I am learning and teaching myself how to get what I need, which is how I learned I didn’t know what that was.

Love is abstract to many. To me, love is all there really is. All I’ve ever really wanted to be is love. Defining love though…well I am in the throes of doing that now. I am learning what love is to me and how to give and receive love. In not knowing love like I thought I did, I am humbled and on my knees a lot. I am in prayer and constant meditation as I learn what I want my love to look and feel like. I am learning by trial and error what I do not want my love to feel like. I am learning that sometimes when I thought I was loving that I wasn’t. Some of the people that I thought I was loving, I actually was not loving like a verb. I haven’t loved everyone the way I want to be loved. I haven’t treated everyone the way I want to be treated. I thought I had. I really thought I had done better than I had at loving. I really thought I had treated people better than I probably have. It saddens me to learn that I, the girl who wants to love so much and so deeply, is not a very good lover at all. I the friend that I would want to have…and maybe not so much. Maybe I’m just a friends friend. I have lacked vision to see where I have failed to be a friend to the friends of some of my friends. Knowing this, I will be better. Feeling this, I am pained. Getting this, I evolve a bit and I am grateful.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. I pray for you today, that you are able to find some love and healing in your life. I am headed out to get some love and healing of my own.

My God! Someone should fucking do something!!!!!!

Good morning everyone and happy Monday! I hope you had a wonderful weekend! I had a wonderful weekend and I am so thankful to be returning to myself and my life!

As of late, I have been floating around somewhere out there. Disconnected and untethered…ungrounded and flailing a bit. I feel me in here and yet I am having difficulty touching the ground. I see my reflection in the mirror and I cannot touch the face connected. Strange how it feels to want to feel something so much that you don’t know whether you are coming or going anymore…whether you are feeling anything at all anymore. This morning I write for the disconnect that leaves us with a choice. Do we dangle out there and enjoy our solitude? Or do we walk right into the chaos and bring about change and order? We walk right into that mother fucking fire my friends! We must walk right into that fire and be the change we wish to see in our world. Who the fuck are we and what are we doing to change things?

Here’s an example. Last night I was headed down to the studio, from our house, when I heard audible and distraught voices. I called Tamara and she came out and heard them too. And so, we got in the Jeep and headed up the hill to see what in the fuck all the noise was about. Someone must need help. And sure enough, two very intoxicated clowns, who ventured onto the property of two more drunken clowns, needed help desperately. Out trying to find some mud, these two unsuspecting fools, made a very wrong turn and ended up in our neighbors compound. A shotgun to the face and a little shit in your drawers ought to pull you out of that haze you were in, and yet, it just caused you to babble in tongues incoherently until the cops finally showed up. And I stood by thanking God for my sobriety. I shit you not…I stood there next to those two, so fucking thankful that I was sober and not getting a ride in the back of that police cruiser last night. I have been in the back of those cruisers before and awoken in the drunk tank, only to begin to realize the extent of the damage I had done the night before. Thank you God for the reminders that keep me from returning to a life that nearly took mine. All of my love to the drunken clowns on the mountain whom while sobering this morning, ought to be grateful for their lives. All of my love and respect and thanks to law enforcement for showing up and doing the hard work, the dangerous and thankless work. I don’t give one fuck where you stand on this issue , these ladies and gentlemen risk their fucking lives and leave their families every single day, to deal with bullshit like this. All of my love, thanks and kudos to the members of law enforcement, EMS and Fire, our neighborly neighbors and the spirit that protects this canyon. Last night could have ended very differently. Last night could have ended everything for a couple of people who were out here and up to no good. I never once thought, as I jumped into the Jeep next to my girl, that someone else should do something. I thought let’s get our asses up that fucking hill before someone kills someone. And guess what, someone just about killed someone. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a cocked shotgun to your face. I have. I will tell you what, one second fucking matters. Prayer fucking matters. My God! Why doesn’t somebody fucking do something?!

We all have a choice every single moment of every single day. Most of us ignore the voices, disregard the cries and go about our business, as though we heard and saw nothing at all. I won’t lie…I wasn’t up for that last night. I was ready to relax and do me for a bit. I wasn’t up for it the night before when Tamara heard voices and called me out to a forest full of flashing lights, and we stayed out in our driveway and the snow and frigid cold to love our brothers and sisters, until almost midnight. We do not get an alert on our phones and our calendar won’t have it scheduled. We won’t have the time or the energy for it and it will be at the most inopportune time. We will be tired and in our PJs and the call will come. We will hear it and we will know it and we will have to decided what we are going to do. Last night had I ignored the cries that I heard, it is very likely that there would be a crime unit up here this morning, wrapping up their investigation. If you still think that you, all by your little ol’ self do not make a difference…I am here to tell you that you do make a difference. We save lives. We give hope. We share hugs and tears. That is what we are here to do. Out of everything I did yesterday, the one thing that mattered the most, I did after my day was done. My God!! Somebody should fucking do something!!!

I cannot tell us all enough…we are the reason we are here. We are the journey my friends. As many of you know, I am five years sober and dealing with my own demons and I haven’t learned how not to be mad at those of you that I love so fucking much, pissing your fucking lives away in the bottom of those bottles that you hide in and lie about. I am mad at you for not seeing you and loving you as I do. I am thankful that you are here again today, fighting the good fight. Me too. Let’s keep it sober today, just for today, okay? My God!!! Why don’t you get out there and fucking do something! Be the change my friends. Be the change. I love you. Have a beautiful day today.

A Sherry lesson on “Some gave all” this morning.

Happy Sunday everyone! This morning we are blessed with a “Sherry Lesson” that came to me driving home yesterday. I had an amazing day yesterday with beautiful friends and on my way home, as I prayed, my Mom came through so clearly that I had to share with each of you, this life lesson from my beautiful mom! Welcome to the healing room! I hope you have your coffee and Kleenex in hand, as Sherry nailed it this morning!

For me, as you know, the struggle has been real. As of recent, my father and I are estranged except for snail mail correspondence. The man I love more than any other, and myself have turned our situation over to God, as we simply cannot handle it on our own. We cannot speak civilly to one another right now. Angry and betrayed and hurt enough…I almost hit my own father. I have no clearer sign that I must walk away to save us both right now. We cannot share our lives and so we have gone our separate ways, only bound by the love in our hearts for one another. I pray that love is enough. I pray that no matter who or what or where I go…no matter what does or does not happen, with all of my heart, I pray that my Daddy always knows my love for him; for nothing will ever change my love for you my father. Nothing can ever take from me the love I have in my heart for you, not even you. I love you. I miss you. I turn it over to God, and I ask for prayers and blessings for our broken little family. This is the first time in my life, ever, that I have strayed from my father. This is the first time ever that I have had courage enough to stand up for what is right and then to stand down and be done fighting what I cannot understand or control. And so I set it down. I let go and I let God.

As many of you know, my Mom was a force to be reckoned with. A powerhouse of a woman in a tiny little package…a southern twang in her voice that wasn’t actually southern at all, always made her presence known. Accompanied by the clickety click of her 👠 high heels, Yes, Sherry was a force all her own. So yesterday while driving home, when she clicked her way in, I prepared a place. This is the most valuable Sherry Lesson you will ever get, so go fill up that coffee cup and let’s get ready!

My parents have been such a huge part of my lives, all of my lives. My best friends and my confidants, to an unhealthy point, rendering me extremely co-dependent and financially dependent upon throughout my life. I won’t go into detail as it matters not, I only say anything because Sherry wants us all to learn from this. I could always make that call and get myself bailed out. I could always get some help if the fruits of my labor didn’t cut it. I always had my mom and dad. I do not have my mom and dad anymore and I am thankful, for it is teaching me to rely on me, to trust and to know me. The silver spoon being yanked out of my mouth busted a few teeth and left me breathless and hurting beyond my own comprehension, and I am thankful for I now now my own strength.

With that being said, all that I own in this entire world, outright, is Little Red, my 1996 Toyota T-100 truck. When my ex-wife left me in 2008 and took, literally everything I own, I ended up having to voluntarily repossess my brand new and beautiful black FJ Cruiser back to the credit union. I drove her to the credit union and I told them I was so sorry and I handed them the keys. I was without transport and I was broken. My little brother saw me and he gifted me the truck he bought to haul his motorcycles on, so that I would have a car to drive. Shawn signed the title over and said I owed him nothing. I have driven little red for the past eleven years. Little Red is a piece of my own heart, a gift from my baby brother, so that I didn’t lose everything else too. Thank you Shawn for seeing me and for loving me like a verb. I love you baby brother.

Before my mom died, on her death bed actually, she said she wanted me to have a brand new Jeep! A bit much I thought and I said so. After my mom died, my dad and I were looking at vehicles for me and we ended up finding the exact same one, the beautiful 2007 FJ Cruiser that I am driving now. We went and drove her and then we went right to the credit union, looking homeless as hell, both of us, and got her financed. That story is one of my fondest memories and Sherry was so happy the day I drove her home! My FJ is still financed and I own just under $6000 on her. I had Little Red sold on Friday for $3000. I was elated, as that put me halfway to paying her off. Thursday night I got a text from the guy I held Little Red for, for three weeks, that he could no longer buy her. Long story short, Little Red and my FJ are both here and neither one of them, nor Tamara’s Jeep are enough for what Santuario de Karuna needs. We have 42 animals here, several of them weighing in over 1500 pounds. Little Red, not Big Red, cannot handle the loads that we must haul to give everyone what they need. We need more and I was praying in this yesterday, when Sherry came through loud and clear.

Sherry simply said that “some gave all. All gave some and some gave all” she repeated to me. I was puzzled at first, I won’t lie. My dilemma, the one warping my fucking mind…the one I’m twisting and trying so desperately to make fit…she says simply, “it is what it is.” What in the literal fuck? I’m praying here! If you’ve no contribution, could you come back later? I need to figure out how to sell Little Red and pay of this FJ…..and she says, “You do not need to sell your truck Coral Dawn. You know what you need to do with Little Red.” Only I didn’t know and she didn’t tell me before she left again. What in the fuck?

As I drove closer to home, I remembered laying next to her on her death bed. I could not have known it then, that I would never hear the click of those heels 👠 or that twang in her voice again. I would never have her to help me to sort it out or pay it off again. I lost both of my lifelines and my own life that day, on that bed with her, before she left here for good. We had to make her funeral arrangements on that bed. We had to decide how to let her go because she was going and nothing stopped that. In lieu of flowers, my mom chose Santuario de Karuna, for all donations. My mom loved flowers as much as anyone I ever knew and she gave up her final bouquets on this earth for the animals here at Santuario de Karuna, so we could keep our promise to make the rest of their lives the best of their lives. On my moms deathbed, she saw me. My mom saw Tamara and I and our dream and on her way out, she did all she could to make this dream come true! Sherry gave it all. Every single last bit of it, to Santuario de Karuna, as she left this world. All she had left to offer is right here in this space that we all call home.

Today, in true Sherry fashion, I give all I’ve got to Santuario de Karuna too. Literally, the only thing I actually own, Little Red, I gift to our Sanctuary and to the animals here, to get them what they need. “Some gave all Coral Dawn. All gave some and some gave all. Follow your heart and do what you know to be right with your soul.”

Anyone who knows me at all knows that if all are giving some and only some are giving all, I am going to figure out how to be one of the ones who gives it all! So today, on behalf of my little brother Shawn and myself, I gift my precious Little Red to the fundraiser, so that we can purchase a truck big enough to care for everyone here. Whatever we make from the sale of Little Red will go directly into the fundraiser that our dear brother Chris put up for us. And so it is. Sherry reminds us that it is what it is. It will only ever, always be what it is. I don’t know what your “Some” is, or your “all”. I only came to tell you that by giving all I’ve got to give, I am beginning to find myself. I highly recommend giving all you’ve got! Thank you mom for the lesson, turned immediately blessing on my drive home to our beautiful Santuario yesterday…”Some gave all Coral Dawn. All gave some and some gave all…”

Happy Sunday everyone! Only you know what to do with the messages the angels send. Sherry reminds each of you, just the same as she reminded me…”Some gave all. All gave some and some gave all. For your own growth, for your own journey, be the one who gives it all!”

We each have the privilege and the opportunity to be of service. We have the ability to be in our community. We have the power to build up our community. We have an animal sanctuary right in our own backyard, literally! And we are all welcome here, Always, We are home here, aren’t we? We are in Sanctuary here. Why not be a part of the community? A true and literal part of something that you believe in? Volunteer. Donate. Share. Commit to $10 a month and be a sponsor. Check out our Facebook page and meet these amazing beings. Come out here and meet them. Help us feed them! For you…do this for you. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I do this!

If you would like to become a monthly donor, a one time donor , a volunteer or a visitor to our Sanctuary, we would love to hear from you! Right now, if you have the means, we would love for you to donate to the fundraiser that our brother Chris has set up right now, to get a new truck that will provide for all of the beautiful beings here. Check us out on Facebook and please donate and follow us! We would love to have you be a part of our compassionate community! All are welcome here!

Santuario de Karuna is on Facebook! I will do a separate post with the fundraiser link after I post this morning’s blog. Please help out if you can!

I love you! Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! Thank you for being in the healing room with Sherry and I this morning!

I throw my bullshit flag high into the air!!!

Happy Saturday morning everyone! I fucking love you! Thank you for being here!

I know many of you are hurting and I am here to tell you that I see you and I love you. We try, don’t we? We keep scraping ourselves up and getting back up! We keep fighting the good fight. We are here for a purpose. We are here for a reason. This pain is our teacher. This hell is our launchpad into greatness. This is exactly as it should be and we are right where we are meant to be. Only we can change where we are at. If you do not like where you are at in this moment, may I ask you, what are you doing to change it? We stay the same because we are afraid of change. We don’t because we think someone else will. We know better. You are it. You are the one your life is for. Your Dharma…your journey…your growth. This is all about you my friend. Every single bit of it.

We came here and we are here. We only have a little while. We only get one shot here, to give it all we’ve got. Cancer is a mother fucking bitch in the night and she is here to steal your children, your husband, your dad and your sister…your mom and your little brother…your best friend and your lover. Cancer does not give one fuck. Cancer does not give a shit how you saw this all going down. Nor does the final moment before you pull your own trigger. There is no grace…no mercy in these things. No righteousness or rhyme or reason…Suicide does not wait for hope. Suicide cannot call up common fucking sense. Suicide is the final engulfment of all that you fought against, finally taking you over. Suicide is you taking yourself out of pain that we cannot know or judge or understand. We pretend to and yet, we don’t know your heart, your journey, your pain. These are not our things to judge you for. These are things for us to love you through. The heart attack that knew no fucking mercy…the one that took your lover in the night…these are our lessons my friends. These are our launching pads into greatness! Without the one you loved more than you loved your own self, what great things will you do now, with that shattered and beautiful heart of yours? With your pain, who will you help to heal?

The bottle…the pills…the food…the mind fucking thoughts…for today…just for today, can we set these things down? I will rest from mind fucking myself and you set down your bottle. I will consciously stay out of my head today. You eat consciously today. Eat what nourishes you and feeds your soul and that beautiful body of yours. Do not eat to fill up the gaping hole that food will not fill anyway. Eat joyously with friends, in laughter and celebration today! Enjoy every single bite. When you are full, set your fork down and be done. Fill yourself with joy and laughter and happy instead of the things that make you sick at your own sight. The bottle is always going to empty you more than it empties itself. Every single mother fucking time. One after the other, glass after empty glass crashing as you fetch yourself another drink…as your mind gets far away from you and your words trail off into oblivion without you…set the fucking devil down my friends. The demons are in those bottles and they will fuck you up every single time, for they know and care not who you are. They are your fucking void…your empty…your constant reminder that you are wasting your life, yourself, your love and your potential. Every sip…every swig, especially the ones you are lying to yourself about, will rip a little more of you away from you, away from me…away from us. For I won’t be there when you awake to yourself, to hold you and tell you it’s okay…You’re okay. You will wake alone again with your empty bottle and your own lies and you will be ashamed. You will be so ashamed in fact, that you will just keep drinking. You do not feel worthy to be whole, to be present, to be sober…and so you aren’t. I am here to suggest to you that you are more than this. You are so much more than the things that you allow to run your life. Set it down. Just set it down. And no matter who or what or when or where…you do not pick it back up.

I am vegan and I will always be vegan. Eating animals, my friends, is no longer an option for me. Period. I set it down. You did too, for the animals, stop eating them,right? You went vegan and never once looked back. Your life is now dedicated to the animals and you will never eat them again. Why is that? How can you be vegan, just like that, after eating dead flesh and secretions your whole fucking life? You stopped. And yet you cannot stop doing what is killing you? I know. I know. You’re sick. Me too my friend. Me too. Here is the thing, you have the ability to stop. You stopped eating flesh of your friends, simply because it is no longer an option, right? Many of you quit cold turkey, so to speak, didn’t you? For the animals, for compassion…you quit just like that. And yet, for you, you say you are sick and cannot stop drinking? I am going to hurl this bright yellow bullshit flag at you! I am going to bring a rare steak, smothered in dairy to your house, with a picture of our cows, Karuna and Ahimsa, and I am going to ask you to eat that fucking steak. In front of your plate, I am going to place a full glass of water and I am going to ask you to eat your friends and wash it down with something that won’t allow you to “forget” what you just did. This madness…this addiction…this thing you say you can’t control…why do you think so little of yourself my love? If I were presented with a rare steak, a bottle of wine and a glass of water, You will find me on a water fast until I find something else to eat and drink or until I pass away from starvation. Eating my friends and drinking the wine are equally as egregious to my soul. I will not because there is a power higher than myself who reminds me to repeat the serenity prayer until I feel it. To set it down and to thank God for my sobriety, just for today.

Have a beautiful Saturday everyone. Set it down and pick yourself up. We are all here waiting for you! We believe in you and we fucking love you! We simply want you to love you too!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

A brief update on my medical situation and a pause…

Good morning everyone. Thank you for all of the love yesterday. Here is a brief update on my medical situation for those interested. I had my pelvic injections yesterday morning and I spoke with my OBGYN about how they seem to not be working very well for me. I have done every treatment with less than 24 hours of relief following the injections. We have done injections and dual pudenal blocks, to no avail. Typically, women get about three weeks of relief. Again this morning, the relief has worn off for me, and so we find a different strategy. We are looking at spinal injections next and so ask for your love as we find what works for me. I am in deep tissue massage and acupuncture therapy twice a week for the clenching, which sciatica is largely responsible for, at this point. All in all, I feel very good and very positive about my healing. I am so thankful for my doctor and for everyone on her team and for our ability to overcome the adversity in the beginning, to have arrived in the beautiful space we are in now. I am so grateful for all of my therapists and for each person who has referred me and who has laid hands and hearts on me to get me well. Thank you for every prayer and for all of the love you have surrounded me in. I feel you and I love you and I thank you. We will just keep keeping on until we find what works. And so it is.

I have been pretty quiet as of late. My world got rocked all over the fucking place and I had to just set it all down. I will not go into detail because it really matters not. I will just say that I was recently hit harder than I have ever been hit by someone whom I never thought would harm me. I knew not what to do or say and all I have been able to feel is my heart breaking over and over and over again. The lies and the deception…the loss and the delusions of grandeur…fools gold and deception of epic proportions landed at my feet and I dropped to the ground in agony and disbelief. I have been down there, on my knees, in agony. I have seen what I came to see and I have done all that I can do. And so without further hesitation, I raise from my knees to my feet and I dust myself off and I begin the journey that I came here for in the first place. I begin the journey of Coral…and I could not be more excited, as I get to decide where we are going and to whom we allow inside of our sacred space. Many of you have shared sacred space with me and I thank you. Many of you have left sacred space with me and I thank you. I return from whence I came, to my true nature. As I shed what no longer serves me, I don a new cloak and I open my heart once more, to those who come in love and light and peace. To all others, the door is closed and you may continue walking past me. I shower you with love and light and blessings as you pass and I thank you for not darkening my door. My door, always open to everyone, is temporarily closed in mourning, and in acknowledgment of a time gone from me. My door is closed so that I may rest and rejuvenate and heal. For I cannot begin to save anyone from anything until I first learn to save myself. I cannot love you as I want to love you, until I dive within and love me the most first. And I will never be able to love or want enough for you, what you do not want for you. You also, must love you the most first. I take my hands off of all things that my hands do not belong on. I take my heart back. I take a pause for me, to do what I must do, before I rise from these ashes, for once and for all. I have come to let you know that I have come to let you go; if you are not here to love me. Love is a verb. Love feels like something is happening, not like the ricochet of empty and void places and hollow words. Love fills us up and does not deplete us. I turn inward to find this love so that I may turn outward and share it with all of you. And so it is.

As my boundaries become visible and I begin to honor them, I welcome myself home. I welcome us all home, for we have stayed too long in someone else’s story, haven’t we? We each have our own story to write and to tell and to live and to dream. We each have our own wants and our own desires and our own dreams. We truly do know what is best for ourselves, don’t we? I will always do my best to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves…the animals and the children at our mercy…I will always speak for them. I invite you to do the same. We must not be silent about the things that really matter. We must not wait for someone else to do something. We are someone and we must speak and act on the behalf of those who cannot. When our voices fall on deaf ears and our hearts shatter for someone else’s breaking for the last time, we will be headed home. Take my hand and hold my heart one last time for now , and let us all take some time behind our own doors. Let us heal our own hearts and lick our own wounds, that we may stop projecting onto each other our dysfunction and our unconsciousness. Let us set it all down and sort it all out so that we can leave what no longer serves us, to lighten our loads and to open our heartstrings the new day dawning before us.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!