Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Please help! Missing Elder from the Navajo Nation

I would really appreciate if everyone could throw some serious love and prayers to get Dennis home today. This came across my feed this morning and grabbed my heart strings. Time feels to be of the essence and so I ask each of you to send up a prayer and to do what you can to get Dennis safely home. We must honor and respect our Elders and I raise the bar for each of us today to just that.

Let us love this family up while we bring their brother back home to safety. All of my love and thanks to each of you for placing this as priority this morning. All together now, let us pray:

Our Heavenly Father,

Please watch after Dennis and surround him safely in your loving arms. Please ease his pain and fear, and carry him that he not get further from his home and his people. God, please take this man unto you to ensure his safety and his peace, his comfort through your grace and mercy. Please Lord, hear our prayers and being Dennis safely home. And so it is. Amen.

“Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this.” Trevor Hall

Happy Saturday everyone! I love you. I apologize for my low vibing energy lately. I definitely got stuck in a rut. Fortunately, I walk with amazing angels and I rise up this morning. To each of you who has also fallen along the way, I lift you up with me this morning. With my hand outstretched before you, you’ve a choice to take hold or not, just as we all do. I’ve been unable to take hold until this morning and so with all of my love, I reach to anyone in that struggle. Just let go. Stop fearing the fall and just let go. I am in free fall right now myself. The letting go was scary and the fall has its moments of uncertainty. The bottom comes quickly some days and I’ve learned that’s okay too.

We are all in this together and I’ve been called to action. I am in the process of bringing myself forward and I believe I’m about to get a pretty swift kick in the ass to do so, so, hold on you guys…we are about to exhault our pinnacles with Aiden. All of those good things that Nahko speaks of….all of the good things coming…those good things are here already! We are about to embark up on them together.

My mind is being emptied of all of its contents. There is major demolition and renovation going on inside of me at a cellular level. All that does not serve is breaking off and being removed in truckloads. Material possessions, thoughts and ideas…ideals and expectations…wants and needs and desires…it’s all being leveled as we speak. My heart is being repaired and the thorns are carefully being removed and dislodged from my psyche. The holes are being mended and the bleeding is coming to a slowing stop. The generational pain and annihilation of broken beings many centuries ago who raped children and destroyed animals is being called front and center and I shall be responsible for the healing of this devastation. I shall be the keeper of this gate and there will be no passage until we get her locked down, sorted out, healed up and for to return to mainstream. We will not keep polluting the stream and pretending it’s not killing our oceans.

So it is written and so it shall be…so everyone hold on! We are not in practice mode any longer. This is the real deal and we are headed to our heights! I repeat, This is not a drill. Please gather your things, and only the things you really need. Leave the rest behind. Come with me. Thank you God, for everyone and everything in my beautiful life!And so it is.

Have a beautiful Saturday everyone! “Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this.” Trevor Hall

Swimming in a big bowl of gratitude this morning ❤️

Good morning everyone and happy Saturday! I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned! I want to thank you all for all of your love for Aiden and his family. Love is where it’s at and so thank you!

As for me…let’s see if I can write anymore at all without Aiden or Robin or my mom chiming in for me this morning. I realized when the sentencing came down for Aiden on Thursday, that I have not been breathing for a while. I wasn’t even aware of it. And, I have been breathless way longer than Aiden. The night my mom was rushed to the ER, shortly before she died, I stopped breathing then. I stopped everything then. I stopped living and breathing. I stopped knowing who I was or what to do or where the fuck I was. The night my mom went by ambulance to learn of her fate to cancer, my world kind of stopped too. I’ve been puttering and sputtering along, to very little avail. Seeing clients and hugging…desperately trying to be a good friend and a good therapist and a good human being…I’m always a click off or a step just behind what feels to flow for me. My thoughts and feelings border on the edge of insanity and I desperately try to hold the middle. My love is deep and raging and untamed and inside of me that just feels mostly like confusion on some days.

Lately, I mostly feel that I am here to unlearn what I learned that does not serve me or make sense. To be honest, I am unlearning a lot. I am learning how to share my feelings and my thoughts and it’s kind of scary and intimidating sometimes. Sometimes my feelings seem too deep and too complicated and too far away and I get really discombobulated. Working closely with other people and their hearts and their lives and their stories can be a fine line and so I am learning how to walk it with more grace. Energy work definitely stirs energy and so I’ve been working on grounding myself better and setting up better protection around my own heart. The semi-permeable membrane between our thoughts and reality can be a very slippery slope and I am glad to be riding this one out a bit and realigning to my own center again. I cannot really explain the sensation of the work I do or the places I hold, other than to say that my life truly is a fucking trip!

I’ve learned that I have to fall in love with people and I have to let them fall in love with me. I have to hold them tight in the places where they don’t even want to be touched at all. If you’ve ever been in studio session or animal session with me, you know exactly what I speak of. There is a space in between, a “sweet spot” in our journeying. This spot is undefined and surreal and this is my pivot point. This is the spot that I work from. This is my desk and my work…this is how I lay it all out. It’s all love and love balancing. It’s all isotonic and isometric movements…subtle and intense and true. Precision based and intimate is my work to love us all home. I land in families and relationships and marriages. I become the object of many altercations within the psyche of those confronting themselves. I become the adored and the hated and I ebb and flow in and out of places most people dare not tread. There is good reason not to tread here. Here hearts are wide open and words aren’t needed. It’s deep and murky sometimes and boundaries aren’t clear like they are with words and with physical touch. In this place, it’s up to me to exercise boundaries and decorum and good judgement, to bring us all around to the other side. And so, with that all being said, Thursday when Aiden met justice, I took my first breath since the call that my mom was in that ambulance. My mom will be gone four years in December and my life is finally returning to me now. My thoughts, my feelings and my emotions and my touch with reality have all been affected by the loss of the woman who carried me in to this world and I will never be the same.

I feel myself and my work evolving and I center myself and mind my own breath. I am going to be going into some deep and murky waters and I feel that coming on. My work is taking me into the trenches to pull us up and out of this cesspool of shit that we are swimming in right now. We must know that until something changes, nothing is going to change. Until something shifts, we are all horribly out of balance running up and down our own unbalanced beams. We must slow our roll and intention ourselves into the lives we wish to be living. We are in a tizzy living lives we don’t belong in and doing things we ought not be doing, all simply because we have lost touch with ourselves and our own moral compasses. And…we have a choice. We can be kind and just and fair just as easily as we can be absent, unaccountable and irrational. Our worlds do collide and we can mitigate the impact by simply owning our own chaos in all of this. Anyway, amidst the noise and chaos lie all of the answers to the calm. Inside of each of us there is all we need, to be who we came here to be…and we have reserve to help others to summit too. All that ever really holds us back is ourself isn’t it? An “insular Tahiti ” inside of us all says Dr. Dyer. What are we doing with what we have inside us?

This morning I am grateful to be landing back into me a bit. It was a bit of a crash landing at first and its calming down a bit now. Thank God! Coming back into me and my life after being away for so long has its challenges and my struggle is currently real and active. As I find my own center again and slow us all down a bit to return to ourselves again, I feel a little sad leaving this space. Mostly though, I feel accomplished in knowing that I’ve a sacred job in this world and that God trusts me to go where others cannot tread, simply because I’m willing to go there.

So with all of the gratitude in my heart this morning, I thank Aiden and his family and Robin and her family and my family for trusting me in such sacred and vulnerable space, as I become who I am.

Most of all, to my beautiful and amazing partner, Tamara, thank you for holding me through this storm. Thank you for loving me just the same and no matter what. Thank you for sharing me with those who need me the most. Thank you for supporting me and honoring my work, even when it makes our lives more difficult and unmanageable. Thank you for loaning me out to be what others need in the absence of their others and for dealing with the ebb and flow of me falling in and out of love a million different times with my clients and their humans. There is absolutely nothing easy about this part of my work and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding me through the pain and hardship of it all some days. Most of all, thank you for being there when my world smashed into the ground and annihilated me and all that I was before my mom left. Thank you for never giving up on me or on us. Thank you for listening to my endless rhetoric about absolutely nothing, as I simply try to find my way back into the world I left when I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. Of all of the things in my life, you matter the very most to me and I love you with all of my heart and all that I am. I am so sorry that my words fail me with you. I regret that my communication skills are non-existent sometimes when it comes to you and I am working around the clock to hear you better and to speak less. Thank you for holding me through the pain and for loaning me out to love others. Most of all, thank you for always being here with open arms, loving me, when I return from wherever I’ve been.

Thursday was my first breath since we got the call from my Dad that my mom was in an ambulance to the ER to begin her journey of leaving us all behind. I feel like I literally just landed here and so please be patient with me as I find my parameters once again. I feel a little out of sorts so please be gentle as I acclimate again, to the life I was living before my moms heart stopped beating almost four years ago.

If you are still here with me, thank you. If you are not still with me, thank you.

Have a beautiful weekend and enjoy those who share your life with you. Playing soccer with Taos yesterday in Aidens red adidas shoes reminds me of who I am. Waking up this morning, I am grateful to be returning to me. Thank you to each and every one of you for all of your love and prayers and for always dialing up your love when it is most needed! I love you!!!

❤️♥️💜❤️♥️❤️Justice for Aiden ❤️♥️💜❤️♥️💜Thank you❤️♥️💜

Good evening everyone! This is Aiden!!! Guess what you guys?!? Guess what?! I said I was going to court in the race car and I did. I went with my mom in my service dog vest to see the judge this morning. The man who took me was there and I felt uneasy. My mom was more shaken because she hadn’t seen him so much like I had or heard his voice. I spent a lot of days with his family and they were there too. The judge had a lot of people telling her what they thought they should do and I heard everyone. My mom had to go talk loud to the judge on a stick to say what we wanted. My mom said we wanted something called “justice”, I think, in other words, she said that he should pay for what he did to me and my family and to all of you who loved me and worried so much for me, and even to some other people who he hurt with his bad behavior. The judge seemed to agree with my mom on everything. The police talked too and they wanted what mom wanted too. And then the man who took me and his family wanted something different. Something about leniency and furlough, I think. Anyway, the judge did not say this was okay. The Judge was very nice when she told the man and his family that the most he could repay for what he did, he would have to pay…the most time. The most consequence and the most offers to help him to get better. The man asked for help and the judge offered him help. We asked for fair and the judge was fair. That’s a nice judge to me and I feel happy inside.

The one thing that I noticed a lot in court was the friend to me when I was in the house that man took me to. He was very sad and someone took his leg too since I saw him. Anyway, he is the dad of the man who took me and I felt him crying inside with his son. I asked Coral to send him our love because he was very, very sad. When people are sad, I want them to smile. The man without a leg told me and my family that he was sorry for what his son did. I believe him. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for him too because he lost his son to bad behavior for a while. Coral said we should say “God bless you” instead and put our love on his shoulder, and so we did that instead. Coral said that sometimes our words can be more important than we ever know and so we should pick words very carefully. Coral told me that sometimes she forgets and sometimes she uses way too many words. I think sometimes the best words are no words at all.

I want to tell you something special from the time we have spent tangled up in this mess…something special is the love that came from everyone. This very sad thing brought us all to ❤️♥️💜 love and so to me, it’s okay that it happened. It is better that it’s over now. My mom and I and my dad haven’t breathed, like really, really breathed and Coral said she and Tamara and Janet haven’t breathed much either. I think maybe that’s because we were holding our breath for this right decision to be said by the judge today.

Anyway, I just want to say thank you to everyone who loves me so, so much. I love you all so, so much too. I’m going to be taking some time to love on my family, especially on my mom. I felt my moms heart hurt the hardest and her throat shake. My mom is so strong and this man really hurt her by taking me away from her. When my mom had that loud talking stick, I was so, so proud of her. A couple of times, she looked at the guy who took me and she told him it was not okay. My mom was so brave and my dad was there too. My family needs to breathe and so this is a very good day for breathing. I hope all of you breathe good tonight too. And…wait until I tell Jaxson and Howie about justice tonight!!!!

One more thing that I think is most important…please say “I love you” to Melaquias and his family tonight. A lot of hearts were hurt in that courtroom today. A lot of people were lost and hurt and scared. A lot of people have to spend a lot of time without their someone because of bad stuff too. I get to be with my someone…the most special and important and brave someone I know, tonight…my mom, and he does not and his dad does not. I saw them looking at each other’s souls in court today and crying on the inside of their cheeks. A dad and a son who lost their way to each other and a family blown apart like mine was when they took me away from my mom and dad. I know how sad and scared I was and so I just want you to say you love them so they aren’t so sad and scared. Even if it sounds crazy to you, will you please love Melaquias and his someone’s too?

I’ve got to go and celebrate with my family!!!! ❤️💜♥️💜❤️💜❤️💜💜❤️♥️💜❤️💜💜❤️❤️♥️💜❤️💜♥️❤️💜♥️❤️♥️💜💜💜I love you guys so much! Thank you for helping me meet justice today. And a very special thank you to APD for working so hard to get justice. I love you guys. ❤️♥️💜

A brief visit from our sister Robin this morning….

Good morning everyone. I really don’t have a lot to share right now. I am horribly saddened by the state of affairs in our world. Senseless killing and so many people wishing they were not here…angry words and disposable friendships and families. Violence and hate being spewed from even the mouths of babes. Man, I’m fucking disheartened and sad about the way we treat one another. I am sad to be so unable to understand the world I live it. I have always felt that I am in this world and not of this world. Days like this, I feel this even more so.

I know I’m here to help, to be of service and to do life solid, by giving my very best. I really do try. I am way better at solving your problems than I will ever be at handling my own, and I am working on that. I am seeing so clearly that I can’t fix you. Hell, I obviously can’t fix me either. I show up where I am called and I often stay too long. I stay where I’m not appreciated or wanted or acknowledged. I show up excited to be a part of a world that you never even prepared space for me to be in and then I wonder why it feels shitty to be trying to be in it. It’s not my fucking world and this in not my circus and these definitely are not my fucking clowns!

And so I regress. Truly, on all things. In all situations in my life right now, I regress. I pull myself back and out. I pull myself up and out, and I pause, on everything. I am at a stand still on everything in my life…holding pause, turning within. I get to going so fast sometimes into and toward things that don’t feel just right to me, thinking this will right itself eventually. I see the error of my ways and I stand down and pause in my life, for a spell, to re-evaluate and to reassess my current situation. Big life decisions are on hold for me until at least October as I really take some time to feel how I feel and to end up where I belong. I’ve an offer in in a space that was accepted and then I realized that I’m not sure what I need the space for right now. So, right now, I slow my roll and pray and meditate a lot. For today only, I realize that I am right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. If the space is available in October and the clients are getting referred and booked, I will look again, into space outside of my current operating system. For now though, I have decided to work on the studio and to work on myself. I have decided that I prefer to lie kind of low and to turn inward as I re-evaluate some things in my life that are calling out to me.

I pray for patience and understanding, for love and light and for the ability to be content and in gratitude, no matter what. I pray for guidance and illumination. I pray for peace and prosperity. I pray for tolerance and understanding. Most of all, I pray to not partner with, end up with, or to be tied in any way, to anyone who does not listen to me, talk with me and value me. I remove myself from all situations that are not mine. I take my energy from that which has no concern for me. I lift up my brothers and my sisters who are on the brink of giving up, that they back away from the ledge that is beckoning to them. I lift up the sick and the broken and the beat down Lord, that you restore us to your glory, to your will and to your vision. May we be instruments of your peace Lord. May we be instruments of your love Lord. MY we be in your light Lord, always, in all ways. And so it is. Amen.

And our sister Robin chimes in…

I haven’t been up here too long, looking down over all of you. I’m not really up or down or over. I am everywhere now. From everywhere, I see how nowhere that you feel that you are. I watch you scurry around in a tizzy, trying to make it all just right….trying to line it all up and line it all out. I see your master plans in front of you, for a rebuild that isn’t yours. I see an overhaul coming on a rig that you haven’t fired up and taken out in decades. I feel your frustration and I raise you mine. You aren’t living your purpose. You aren’t fulfilling your Dharma. You are an ass kissing fool my friend. You are far more worried about being liked that you are about being yourself. You are way too worried about stepping on toes. You pick up the phone for people crying wolf while you are teetering over your own edge. Knock that shit off already! Truly, if they can’t love you, out loud, like a verb, and be elated that you showed up at all, keep on walking sister. If their cries simply get heard because they are louder than your own, you best raise yourself an octave or two or ten. You are a lame sitting duck Coral Dawn. You are a lame, and I empathize and emphasize at the same time, with lame sitting ducks my friend. What does anyone need or want with a lame and sitting duck? What does anyone want or need with someone who doesn’t feel worthy or good enough? What does anyone have to offer outside of you that you don’t possess within you? You don’t need office space. That space needed you. That space needed your love and your energy and your gift…you never needed that space. You were to sit in Lotus pose and pray for your world for hours and days on end, for a world who didn’t even open the door for you to enter. This is your time to stop and realize your error and to leave this place that doesn’t validate you, inspire you and open space up wide for you. This is true if all spaces, all people and all situations before you. If a space has not been prepared for you, this is your sign to walk by in love without crossing the threshold. If you can’t get calls and texts back and answers that don’t feel like dragging the bottom of a lake, you are notifying the wrong people, to light you up. If it feels wrong, it is because it is wrong.

Thank you for stopping in Robin, and for the message for us all this morning. Thank you for the angels who light my path. Thank you for a partner who loves me no matter what. Thank you for the love and support and input of friends and family, at a time when clarity eluded me. Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you! Great to spend time with you this morning sister! I love you!

Thank you for a beautiful Birthday weekend everyone!

Wow! How blessed am I? Truly, thank you for all of the Birthday love! What an amazing weekend, with the most beautiful and dear and amazing people! And further blessed by all of your calls and texts and messages and well wishes. Thank you everyone, so much for all of the love!

Thank you God. For everything. Amen.

My life journey promises healing space for us all. My life’s purpose is to give that away to everyone! Puzzlement has overcome me as to how to do that for my entire lifetime so far. Who am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here? What am I “supposed” to be doing? Where do I go from here, and how do I get there? So many loaded questions. So few answers to these questions. And yet, I have been doing this all along, to some extent, for my entire life, as we all have. I have been living my life’s purpose. As I know better, I do better. More conscious these days, I am aware of where I have fallen short. More willing to be wrong so I can learn who I want to be and less quick to blame others…and I am grateful.

I hope everyone has a blessed and beautiful day today! Thank you again for all of the Birthday love! I love you all right back!

I just sat there on that bench…

Good morning everyone! Happy Wednesday. I have tried to take some time to sort me out and as I re-emerge, I am struggling a bit. Struggling mostly to just do the next right thing in the midst of so very many wrong things that have gone before me. The struggle of losing so much has been so painful and I’ve contemplated suicide more than I care to acknowledge. I got to a point with all of this that I decided It would be best to just end it all, rather than to keep killing my self slowly. Even upon reaching that conclusion, I held on. I held on because I know I’ve work that must be done here. I held on for Tamara and for the animals and for many of you. When I simply didn’t value me enough to hang on for me, I held on for you. All of this holding on by a meager little thread has been too much…way too fucking much, too close to home…and too close to taking me from me and from all of you. We live in a world where life holds little value and so losing the entire worth of me wasn’t hard to do at all. I could have been dead in the next moment, mourned and buried and memorialized, in moments that followed and gone from your sight, all just like that. The pain got that bad and I got that hopeless. The hopelessness and helplessness and the depression…it all just got to all consuming and overwhelming for me and I nearly broke completely. In these moments, in this brokenness…I had to either give in and let it all go or I had to find my will to live again.

Yesterday was my turning point. Yesterday was my day to leave here or to start figuring out how to stay here. Yesterday was the straw that broke this camels back and I did what I had to do, to stay here with you for a while longer. Yesterday, as the tears overtook me and as the world around me just kept crumpling…as my heart barely beat anymore at all, I made a decision. I decided to start doing some mending and healing and to contribute to my own wellness a bit. I decided to detach from my past and from my story. I decided to be loving awareness and to actually be forgiveness, instead of just praying for all of that for us all. Yesterday, the break that had been cracking me in two, finally broke me and I landed on my knees.

I ended up at the cemetery yesterday, meeting my Dad for a spell. I have not seen or spoken to my Dad since January and I don’t go to the cemetery anymore. I saw my Dad on the bench when I rolled up and the dozen red roses in my moms vase. My moms grave was grown over a bit. No one seems to go there much anymore. There was a funeral taking place on one side of us and a funeral had just taken place on the other side of us. I remembered my moms casket setting up there, waiting to be lowered down like that. I felt the sting of that day, so many days ago, of burying my mom. Here I was, walking toward the man that I buried right next to her. My whole fucking life, in that cemetery, on that bench yesterday. As I sat there sweating and with a constant stream of tears rolling down my cheeks, I hardly looked at my Dad at all. I just couldn’t. I saw his white hair and I focused on my own shoes as I stared way off into the distance. A distance so far away from us that I couldn’t catch any simulation of normalcy from either side or from anywhere at all…I just sat there, on that bench reading headstones and trying to be attentive. The pain of it all though…the pain of it all just rendered me pretty lifeless and motionless myself. As I sat next to my Dad, on the bench in front of my dead mom yesterday, I realized that I was very far gone from myself. I told my dad that I just didn’t know what to do with all of this fucking pain. As I cried and tried to hold on to something, every single thing in my world just fucking left me. I literally sat there and melted and drained myself of me on that bench next to my dad. My Dad reminded me that I had to just let it all go…all of it. The abuse, the blame and the shame and the pain of it all…I just let it drain out of me. I haven’t known how to do that and yesterday I was finally able to do that. Sitting with the man who hurt me and whom I have hurt so much, in front of the woman who held it all together and who blew us all apart, I finally just came undone. In that cemetery, on that bench, with my Dad, we came clean. We fell apart a bit and we were quiet a lot. I felt myself longing to just be okay, to just be happy, to just be whole. I wanted all of those things yesterday, more for my dad than I wanted them from me. The wanting and the inability to rise from these ashes has almost destroyed me completely. The blame and the shame and the resentments have taken me from me, almost entirely. Whatever happened to me and to my life…to my family and to cause such fallout…I realized that it really just doesn’t matter anymore. Yesterday, sitting on that bench in front of my dead mom, inside of my half dead self, with my very broken father sitting next to me, I just let it all fucking die. Her, me, him…I just buried us all in that fucking cemetery yesterday. Actually, I buried us all with her the day they lowered her into the ground. I gave up, on everyone and on everything in my life, because nothing made any sense at all to me anymore. The loss of my mother, followed by the lost of my brother and my father, and my entire family…and I accepted all of that loss yesterday. It is finished. It is finally finished. Everything before me is gone and I have buried the girl who died in this tragedy, in that grave with her mother and her father and her little brother. I have finally laid to rest, my life and all that it holds, that no longer serves me. I have buried that little family of four on Kings Row and all of the hopes and dreams and ideas…the wants and the needs and the expectations of a lifetime. I have released my wants and expectations and I have removed my desires and my will from the man who I call my dad and from the man whom I call my brother and from the woman whom I called my mom. I buried the abuse and the inconsistencies…the doubts, the fears and all of the questions yesterday. That cemetery closed in on me and the world collapsed on top of me. I sat there on that bench as my entire life drained from me.

As we got up to leave, everything was fuzzy and faded and far away. I don’t know how I got to where I went after or to whom I spoke. I know I got there only by the grace of God, as a decided not to find a bathroom there and to go where I was expected for lunch. I arrived at lunch with my girl and my dear friend, who carried me some more, through all of this. I arrived home and I just broke into a million tiny little pieces. As all of this breaking off and letting go is taking place, I find myself just feeling like I want to be quiet and still. As I left that bench, I hugged my Dad for a long while before we departed. I got into the FJ and I felt myself to be sure I was still in my body. I still feel as though I’ve not returned to my body completely. Suddenly, and not so suddenly at all, none of it mattered anymore. None of it held any weight anymore. None of it mattered at all anymore. My dad and I are hurt people, who have hurt people and been hurt by people, just like every other people. My mom was a hurt people who hurt people and who was hurt by people. I am a hurt people who has hurt people and been hurt by people. My little bother and you and your own little brother, are hurt people who have hurt people and been hurt by people. I realized yesterday, that it’s what we do with all of this pain that really matters…not what hurt us and landed us here in the first place.

On that bench in the cemetery with my Dad yesterday, I just let it all go…all of it. The only thing left and the only thing that matters anymore at all, is what I am I going to do with all of this. What I am going to do with all of this is that I am going to lift it all up in prayer this morning…all of it…and ask for forgiveness and to be forgiven. I am going to send it all back to the universe, all of it, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. So, for each of us this morning, whatever it is and whomever you cannot seem to forgive, I lift you up and I ask God to take our burdens from us this morning, that we all might come clean this morning. I lift up my Dad, with all of my love and light, right into the hands of God this morning, that he and I sit next to each other once again, in Gods hands and be cleansed, forgiven and returned to wholeness. I pray for each of us this morning to come clean with God, to bathe and rinse and dry off in the sun, as we release the pain of a lifetime behind us, that we may make our way I to the light of this new day. I lift up every single member of my blood family that they also be washed clean and restored to Gods will and set down in love and light, that they may also detach from the disease and dysfunction of many lifetimes that has tainted us all. God, hear our prayer. Lord, lift us up and forgive us our sins and those who have sinned against us, that we may be lighter and brighter and ready to serve you. In your holy name Lord, I ask these things and offer myself to thee, to do with me as thou wilt. I ask all of these things for the least of us, for we are the most of us, that we may know that we are home Lord. Thank you, for everything Lord. Amen. And so it is.

I close this morning with all of my love and with all of my thanks and with a very humble and grateful heart, for all of the good things coming! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Good morning. I’m sorry I’m so distant. The struggle is real and I am just finding my way through it. My life is in the serenity prayer and daily meetings as of late. I am blessed to have a sponsor and a meeting to chair to keep me coming back. The rooms are the most welcoming and inviting place for me to be right now, as my life has become unmanageable. The rooms are where I belong if I wish to stay out of the abyss that has taken me before, in times like these. The rooms are my safe zone and that is where you will find me until I’m strong enough to make it on my own.

I am so thankful, grateful and blessed to have my sobriety. Dry drinking though, has led me back to the meetings and the rooms and my tribe. Five and a half years sober and I got a desire chip yesterday, to remind me how fragile we all are…how fragile I am right now. Drinking is not the only danger in losing ones sobriety and ones self. For me, drinking does begin the downward spiral that I have fallen into so, so many times before. I know with all of my heart that I would not come out of it alive again.

I am so blessed with an amazing partner and so thankful for the gift of the rooms and my tribe. So thankful to my sponsor for swooping me up and taking me under her wing at this time. I struggle and yet I know how truly blessed I am. Thank you to each of you who carries me through. Thank you for your love me. I love you too.

I cannot explain the place I am in right now, other than to say again that the struggle is real. To each of you struggling, I love you. To each of you loving me through my struggle, thank you. Have a blessed and beautiful day today.

If you would like to, please pray with me this morning:

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday everyone! I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned for yourselves. I am getting ready for clients and so my weekend is off to a good start so far. I am so blessed with such amazing clients and my work is not like work at all, which I am so thankful for. I am pausing while Tamara is down and so I’m sorry I’ve not been as available as I like to be. My schedule will open up soon. I am actually offering some Sanctuary studio sessions outdoors. I have been working really hard to create space for healing sessions out in nature. I call them “our secret gardens” and they are throughout the Sanctuary. These spaces are being created with healing energy portals and they are highly sacred and charged to heal. So…some very exciting news on the horizon on that front.

All of the animals are doing very well. They sure do miss their momma Tam while she is healing. Tamara is integrating back in and everyone is taking care of each other. We feel blessed beyond measure for the life we live up here on the mountain. We thank you for your love, support, and all of your reaches. We feel you and we thank you and we love you.

If you are interested in a healing studio session with me out in the mountains, please get in touch with me. I am putting together some great material for our healing, and I look forward to hearing from you. Spaces are limited as Tamara heals and please know I will always make time if you need me.

Lots of reflection lately and lots of things to look at and feel and work through in my life. I have been struggling for so, so long. I know many of us have been struggling for so, so long. I know my purpose for being here is to love us home and I’m just now learning how to love and that I fucking suck at it. How can you suck at your own life’s purpose? I know, right? Very discouraging for me to learn that I am an unlovable and loveless lover…simply because I don’t know how to love. This is true. I do not know how to love. The love I learned wasn’t so much love at all. I am teaching myself to love the way that love feels right to me. I am learning to love and I want to invite you to learn and teach love with me. That is why I am here and so I am looking forward to becoming a good lover as I learn to love me and you and everyone else just a little better than I did yesterday. Love is a word that has been used and misused…misguided and abused…hurtful and pointed…those things are not love. Love is an unconditional place…an accepting and warm and inviting place. As I create this in my life and my reality, I cannot wait to share it with all of you! We all deserve to learn how to love and be loved, and so if you are down for it, I invite you on this journey of love with me!

For today, I begin by praying for grace, mercy, peace and understanding in my life, and that above all, I may be those things and offer those things for others today. For today, that is enough. I love you. Have a beautiful Saturday!

Sunday morning thoughts…

Good morning and happy Sunday everyone. Thank you for all of the love and prayers. I feel you guys and I really do appreciate each of you. I really do just have my head down. I am pushing through some really hard stuff. I feel really wide open and the pain is relentless. So, if I have not called you or messaged you back…if I canceled last minute…I really am sorry. I am not in a good place and I am unable to juggle everything right now. If I have been a shitty friend, I really am sorry. I am finding that right now, I don’t have much to offer outside of myself and my household and my clients.

I am taking a couple of new clients. I have been debating for a while and I decided to open up a couple of studio sessions and to take a couple of more weekly client sessions also. I offer one hour sessions, two hour sessions and custom sessions, all geared toward healing and growing into healing space. All sessions will be billed and paid at the time of service. I accept cash, checks and pay pal. Please contact me at 505-269-9242 if you are interested in working with me. Spaces are limited and will booked on a first come, first serve basis. I know there are a few of you who have been waiting for this opportunity, so please hit me up!

Other than that, today I just want to be out in nature. I am drawn to the open space and the energy of the wide open right now. The solitude suits me and I pray for guidance, mercy, faith and humility, as I go about my day.

Memories flood me of past days out in the yard with my family. Digging in the dirt with Shawn and “working” so hard alongside my Dad. Now I just feel empty and hollow and broken, digging in the dirt all by myself. I cry a lot. I cry constantly and non-stop sometimes. I break a lot and flail a lot and sob a lot. I just could not possibly have imagined my life being so absent of the family that I held so close to me for so long. I don’t feel sorry for me. I just fucking hurt for me all of the fucking time lately. For those of you holding space for me, thank you. For all of the love and prayers for Tamara as she heals and finds her new normal, I appreciate you more than you know. The struggle has definitely been real for us and so we appreciate knowing that you’ve got us in your heart and your prayers. Thank you.

To anyone I have wronged, please know that I truly am sorry. I am learning that I’ve not always occurred the way that I thought I occurred. I am learning that I haven’t always been the best friend or girlfriend…the best employee, student or employer…the best sister or daughter or lover. I am flawed in ways that I was unaware. I am sorry if I hurt you in my absence of my own self. I am sorry if I disregarded you in my own pain. I’m sorry if I didn’t see you and hug you and hold you closer. My truth is that I really don’t know how. I am learning and teaching myself how to get what I need, which is how I learned I didn’t know what that was.

Love is abstract to many. To me, love is all there really is. All I’ve ever really wanted to be is love. Defining love though…well I am in the throes of doing that now. I am learning what love is to me and how to give and receive love. In not knowing love like I thought I did, I am humbled and on my knees a lot. I am in prayer and constant meditation as I learn what I want my love to look and feel like. I am learning by trial and error what I do not want my love to feel like. I am learning that sometimes when I thought I was loving that I wasn’t. Some of the people that I thought I was loving, I actually was not loving like a verb. I haven’t loved everyone the way I want to be loved. I haven’t treated everyone the way I want to be treated. I thought I had. I really thought I had done better than I had at loving. I really thought I had treated people better than I probably have. It saddens me to learn that I, the girl who wants to love so much and so deeply, is not a very good lover at all. I the friend that I would want to have…and maybe not so much. Maybe I’m just a friends friend. I have lacked vision to see where I have failed to be a friend to the friends of some of my friends. Knowing this, I will be better. Feeling this, I am pained. Getting this, I evolve a bit and I am grateful.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. I pray for you today, that you are able to find some love and healing in your life. I am headed out to get some love and healing of my own.