I am cleaning out my draft folder and I’m just going to post these for you guys…if I reread them before I post, they may not make it. If I took this much time to write it…it’s going up. I feel like there is something in here for someone. This one is from January and I held it…I release it now! Fly free little blog! Fly free!
Some days I cannot find the words. Today is a day like that. I feel like I’m not tethered down at all to anything or anyone. I feel suspended in space that knows no beginning and no end. Back into the rooms for a noon meeting, I am so thankful for the fellowship of AA. I am so fucking thankful for the rooms and for the amazing people in the rooms! Disconnected and not grounded…I return to the rooms to find myself and the strength I need to keep on keeping on. Lost, I’m searching for a sponsor. I realize that I need some help right now, and so I reach.
Mostly, I feel melancholy. Mostly I feel the weight of other people’s struggles and decisions right now. Mostly, I just want to lie down and sleep for a week because I am so exhausted and so overwhelmed and under-sourced. Right now I am fucking irritated and blaming and short-tempered. I am sitting here, meditating myself back into my body, for I feel tethered to absolutely nothing.
It’s an odd thing when the stability that I relied on has been swept from beneath me. No words. Just pain. It’s an odd thing to watch someone do to someone what has been done to me and I am angry and in protective mode. I am also fucking sick of hurt people hurting people. I am sick of the unaccountably and the avoidance. I am sick to fucking death of the blame and the hooray for me and fuck you all around me. When will we truly understand that we are all one? When will we love each other and let ourselves be loved? When will we actually love the people that we claim to love, like a verb? We are so full of shit that it’s nauseating really. We lie to ourselves enough to be so foolish and then we violently attack anyone who questions us. Who the fuck do we think we are? Do we really believe that others do not see us as we are? Do we really think that we are hiding all of our undesirables? We are hiding nothing from no one. We are a hot fucking mess. Why can’t we see that?
The healing room is a place that I envision to be a space that we will all be in together someday. Right now though…we are so fucking angry, so blaming and so fucking unhappy that I we feel bifurcated. We are selfish and we are egotistical and we only give a fuck about what we need, and I’ve had just about enough. My sadness today if for us all, for having truly lost our way to the important things in life. Our children. Our families and our friends…how much do we really care about the closest people to us? We find new people and we leave the people who never left us. It’s sad…it is really fucking sad.
When did we stop seeing the children as children? Truly, when did their innocence and their needs and their dreams stop mattering to all of us? We put them in adult roles, expecting them to know what to do and they don’t. I’m in an adult role and I don’t know what the fuck to do a lot of the time. We owe our children their childhoods. We owe our children safety and security and love and nurturing. We brought them here and we need to start being fucking accountable.
I am all peace, love and a little go fuck yourself. When I see children being disregarded and harmed…I’m heavy on the go fuck yourself, as we owe our children more. Every single adult in this room owes it to our children to be their voice, to be their cheerleader, to be their protector.
This rant is far from over and fairly unproductive at best. I just had to get this out. I have got to find a way to come down from the drama that is not even mine and try to find my center again. I have to find a space within myself to accept what I cannot change. Until I’m absolutely sure I can’t change it though, I’m not done trying. We must be the change. We must speak, even and especially when our voices shake. This is not a dress rehearsal. We might want to start knowing this, so we stop dressing up and showing up to the fucking party as who we are not.
My life, right now, just is. I just am. For once, I am just being. I just want to be. I am not equipped for the situation at hand and so I pray for guidance. I am fucking angry and so I pray for peace. I am lost and so I turn to God to help me to know what to do. I am sober and I’m doing all I can to stay that way. Getting these thoughts out is a start. Changing my thinking is my best bet.