Good morning everyone. I actually made it to the healing room in the morning on this day! Hallelujah! Morning’s have been kicking me in my ass and so I know I must wrestle this demon head on. Staying in bed, under the covers, in the darkness…some days, yes. Today, I decided to rise above the urge to stay buried, to sink back into the all consuming abyss. Stumble to the coffee maker and go potty the dogs… thank God for another glorious day to begin again.
Some days watching the dogs as they greet their world makes me feel that I also would like to be so excited, so content, so fucking happy, just to be. Instead on many days, I am a grouchy shit who wants them to stop this or that so I can do this or that. I find that pain Amps that up a bit…as I am more irritable. The dogs all love me just the same. They always have, even when and especially when I could not love me. I love mornings like this morning when I wake up okay to just be happy for them and for how happy they are. I love when I can step out of me enough to enjoy our dogs, especially Taos.
Taos has not had the easiest job being my service dog, and yet my heart belongs to Baby Taos in so many ways. Taos is my strength and my weakness and all that I fail at and all that I excel at. Taos is a mother fucking saint and I am so blessed to be her companion. I look forward to cooler weather and to being well again, so Taos and I can go FJ Crusin! I love you Baby Taos the mouse.
I was Rocky’s heart and his therapist and he became my heart and my Service dog who needed a service people. Rocky, our little Okja butt…the happiest little boy in the whole world, with the very best outlook always. I love you my brave and faithful friend. You truly are the coolest little dude ever!
Prajna, also a client visit, best one ever, in which I brought my little soulmate home. I had no idea then, none at all, that Prajna was about to walk through Hell with me. I knew not that our four pound, one eyed wonder was about to teach me and give to me. Prajna came home with me on that day, having just been found walking the streets in heat, with her eye hanging from the socket. Never a moment since have we left each other’s side. Not when she cried in her sleep and searched for her missing eye, tearing with the other one. Not when I came home from surgery without pain management on board…not for a moment. I love you Prajna Mama, so, so much…my little kiss, kiss, kiss.
Aliah, my boxer buddy whom I love so much, even though some days I have known so little how to show her…ghost face Ali…my teacher of life’s hard fucking lessons. I love you Aliah. Thank you for making me better. Thank you for your patience and for your waiting for me, no matter how long it took for me to see you for who the fuck you really, really are, instead of who I projected onto you. I love you Ali, so, so much! I hope we will be back to playing “boxer” again VERY soon my friend!
Nahko Bear and Mala Bear…what can I say? What a gift, truly. Watching you two romp and play and learn and grow. Feeling your puppy fur on my face and taking your fur into my lungs with every breath, just to be sure of you both. I feel natural with both of you, like I’ve always been walking right beside you, like I fit somehow, between the two baby bears. I have no words for how you have brightened my world in my hours of darkness and despair. Thank you ladies for teaching me to see all of our dogs in a new and innocent light that didn’t illuminate so bright before you two came along.
Our six pack. We could not be more blessed to have been rescued repeatedly by the most amazing dogs on the planet. We love you ladies and Rockadoodle, to the moon and back. Thank you for your patience with me as I learn and grown and heal and hurt and mend and come to peace and pace with each passing moment, as I learn to hear and honor your honor beat…as I learn to hear and monitor my own honor beat. Thank you.
Our dogs never leave us for someone better. Our dogs never stop loving us because we are too old or too sick or too ugly. Our dogs look at us always as though we are everything. We are their hero always and they are our biggest fan always.
People have not been so kind to me. People have found someone better, someone prettier and more financially stable… People change their minds and they take their hearts with them when they go, don’t they? Forget the wedding and the vows and fuck forever…who believes in forever anymore anyway? Honestly, who believes in honesty anymore? Monogamy? I believe in all of those things. I am living those things. I finally found a people that loves me like my dogs…unconditionally and for all that I am not, for all that I am…for all that I have been and for all that I am becoming. I am so thankful that I was paying attention and open enough to answer the door when this knock came. So many empty knocks before had this girl pretty shut down and happy as fuck to be alone. We definitely work at it, and it’s not always easy. Always worth it though, you bet your sweet ass it is…always worth it. I love you Tamara, more than I could ever possibly tell you. Thank you for allowing me my journey and for teaching me how to love our dogs and let our dogs love me in a way that I have never understood or been able to before. As I round another corner on this morning, I am so thankful to be loved so much, to be accepted right where I am at and for all that I am and even for what I am not.
I looked back on my life a lot during all of this illness, and I have reflected a lot. I have been a douche. I have been less than and taken more. I have been absent. I have been insensitive and intolerant. I have had high expectations that no one could possibly meet. I have been short-tempered. My dogs, for my whole life, have loved me just the same. Actually, they have loved me more. This blog is for our six pack and for the one that I had to let go to save…my soul dog Nicholas.
Nicky, wherever you are, I just pray that you found the best home ever. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder where you are and wish you back here with me. I will never forget our final walk together, after my girlfriend had sexually assaulted you, and I had to give you up, to save us both. Writing that email and being so judged and hated for it, gathering your belongings and getting you in the truck on that day. I wanted to fucking die. I think a part of me did die. I am so sorry I didn’t know, and I am so sorry that when I did find out that I was so destroyed that I could not see straight. I contacted the one person who I knew would do right by you and that would be sure that you got the best home with the best family, maybe even her family. To this day, she hates me for surrendering you, and until a couple of days ago, that ate me up inside. I hated being hated so much, and then I had a moment, a peaceful moment, in which I was gently reminded that she surrendered us both and gave us both away when she chose someone else, didn’t she? We both got left behind and we were both destroyed over that, and we did our best. We did our best until someone very sick did something so bad that I couldn’t overcome it. You could have, Ive not doubt. I couldn’t and so I gave you up, to have an amazing life. So, I hope you know how deeply I love you and how much I miss you. I wasn’t the best dog Mom, and yet I was the best dog Mom that I knew how to be. My soul screams this morning and the tears roll down my face…I miss you Nicholas, and wherever you are, I pray you feel my love. I always feel your love my beautiful boy. Thank you for loving me when I was horribly unlovable. Thank you for never not loving me and for accepting me and for being my soulmate…my companion and my confidant…my best friend and my bed buddy when I would allow it. I miss you Nick and I love you with all of my very broken heart.
Yes, today’s blog is for the beautiful beings that love me no matter what, all of them. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I may not deserve the love that I get from our six pack, or from Nicholas or Max…I sure am thankful though, because I am learning how to love and be loved by the dogs I journey beside and walk next to every single day. I am learning that I am lovable and that I am enough. I am learning just to be and I am so grateful.
Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!