Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Did I mention that I am home?

Happy Wednesday everyone! Did I mention that I am home?!

I have been away and with some amazing clients, at the home of some of our very dearest friends. I am always so at home there and so welcome there and so loved there. Even when they are away, they love me. They leave me the best vegan goodies! They leave fresh linens and fill the refrigerator of my favorite things! Best clients ever at loving me like a verb. My mom got sick and they flexed so I wouldn’t lose my pay. My mom died and they were at the mortuary for the viewing, the day that my very soul cracked. Every single moment since, and every bottom that fell out, they have loved me so, so much…like a verb, always, in all ways. Janet and William have become our close and dearest friends, our family actually…our chosen family. Being in their home is home also. Home is where you are safe and loved and always welcome. Home is a place prepared. Thank you William and Janet, Teddy, Alice and Penn for being so fucking amazing! Thank you for your love. Thank you for inviting me into your sacred space to love the ones whom you love more than anyone else; while you are away. Thank you for all of your love, like a verb, for your friendship and for believing in me and my work so, so much that we helped to bring Aiden home…and we walked Gypsy and Hannah home and we walk home together. I love you and appreciate you and thank you so much for being such a part of me!

Being away from our home is the best reminder of how blessed I am to have our home to come to. Being away from Tamara is the hardest part of anything I ever do. Seeing her before I fall asleep and watching her wake up…morning coffee and “light” conversation, as I’m learning (Thank you baby) are the best part of waking up….(you know you did it too…”is Folger’s in my cup…”). Seriously though…being away from her always brings me back to her…closer and more sacred…more beautiful and true…more real and honest…more raw and open. I am thankful I feel this way about the most amazing woman in the world! I love you Tamara. Thank you for taking care of everyone while I was away. I know you have been double-timing it for me for a while now. I thank you. I love you. I’m coming home baby! I’m coming home!

Spooning with Rocky and hugging Baby Taos…playing “shake your po po” with Aliah…nestling in Nahko Bear and Mala Bears fur and having Prajna sleep at my heart all night…watching Karma Kitty sleep in front of the fire…because I missed them so, so much. Taking Rocky’s face in my hands this morning and holding him close to me, I realized I missed them all for more than a few days…I miss them all for the time that I have been gone from me. I have seen them and touched them and been so unable to reach them since my Mom got sick. My bottom fell out and I just could not come back up. My bottom had more bottoms and the last bottom to fall out, I sank even lower than my first, and I just could not come back up. Hondo stood before me yesterday and I was with him, and I and so thankful to be back home!

Being away from home, and coming home, almost for the first time since my mom passed away, I got my head above water once again. I am breathing once again. I am home, once again. I haven’t had a breath since my last bottom fell out, when the man I trusted more than anyone, showed himself to be a liar. I finally took a breath, as I pulled into our driveway. Coming home yesterday morning, as the sun began to rise before me, with snow falling all around me, with Tamara’s voice on surround sound in my beautiful FJ, I thanked God for his mercy and for his grace, I shifted up a couple of gears, to get home to my girl. The snow fell softly. Pink blared through the speakers and I sang along, with my little big brother Jamie riding shotgun, queen amongst queens, with all of his heart singing louder than myself…I smiled a huge smile. I began to become myself again, to like myself and love myself again. “What About Us”…we are us! AND we are the best fucking part of us! All of us…we are the best part of us.

My world has been shaken and my PTSD has had her way with me for the last three years. Every time I get back up, I get knocked for a mother fucking loop! I come crashing to the ground and I cannot know how it happened. I am done with this cycle. My last bottom has fallen out. I am done with the drama that spins this fucking circus. I am done with the gas lighting and the bullshit. I am done talking about and consuming myself with the pain that rocked my fucking world. I am moving forward. That’s it. I am done back there, wondering, wishing, hoping. It is what it is. It has always ever been what it is. Nothing changes what it is.

I am an artist and a writer and a mother fucking poet. I have always been these things. I am love. I am learning what that means, to be love, to be loved, like a verb. I am a gifted and very blessed “healer”, although my views on that are that I am not. My hands…me…my words…those flow through me. The healing does not come from Coral and it never has and never will. I am a vessel, a portal, a voice…for the healer himself/herself/yourself/myself to enter in and to do their work. I am so blessed and so grateful and so thankful to be able to be who I am. I am so fucking excited to begin to know who that is! Thank you for being here with me while I figure things out. I love you. Did I mention that I am home?!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

I came to say thank you and I love you…

Good morning everyone! I love you! I really do love you! For each of you who sees me, I thank you. For every reach, text, call…for all of the prayers and your amazing love, I am so grateful!

I have been missing from me for so long…for so, so long. I have lost my way. I have fallen and although I have gotten back up, I am still unsteady. I am sober and yet my mind and my thinking are not always so. I am done slaying the same fucking demons…my own demons…the ones that just will not fucking quit. I teeter on the edge….I really fucking do sometimes. I am a few steps back from that edge now and everything I do and all that I am is dedicated to staying back…way the fuck back, from the edge that beckons and calls me to come closer, with no way in or out when the darkness consumes me. With a moments clarity in the disaster, I have been in constant prayer and meditation, that my demons set me free. I set them down and they chase after me and I grow weary and I fall prey…they drag me back across the threshold of today; to yesterday. My presence slips away and I am way back there again, weeping at what I cannot wrap my mind around…stuck in an abyss that knows no end. Sometimes, for days, for weeks, months and years, 45 years, to be more exact, I have been in and out of this abyss. On this day though, I am fighting the good fight! On this day, unsteady as I go, I am fucking going! Holding back the tears that have had time enough to sink my eyes and distort and age my face, as I say another prayer.

I have been gone from home for the last week. Driving home this morning, hearing Tamara’s voice in surround sound through my speakers, I could not help but smile. I turned Pink all the way up and I sang along to a song I could have written myself…”What About Us”….my little big brother sent this to me last night because he heard it and thought of me. Thank you brother. I hear me in this too. Thank you for seeing me, like a verb. I love you!

I had a slumber party with a dear friend last night and coffee on the couch before I headed home to my girl and our family and our home. I have the dearest friends and I am so blessed…so truly, truly blessed.

So, when I forget to remember how good I really have it, I thank each of you for reminding me. When I cannot speak or reach for you, thank you for reaching for me and for loving me anyway. When I spin and cannot stop, thank you for being a soft landing while I orient myself to gravity once again. When I cannot see my beauty or my worth, thank you for reminding me and for telling me how much you love me. I save all of your texts and emails and I hold them forever in my heart, as your love sustains me when I just. cannot. I feel your love and it keeps me going and I thank you.

Tamara, I had to put most of yours in a card 😘 Thank you, with all that I am for loving me through all of this. Thank you for keeping me safe and for loving me no matter what, for never throwing me away and for being the one for me, for always, in all ways. I love you and I thank you for loving me so, so much.

And, it is now afternoon, and I am off to go and see my beautiful girl. Settled in and slipping into snow gear, we are off to the beauty all around us, as we make our way through the snow to those we love the most. Happy Tuesday everyone! I love you!

This morning I write for my dear friend Taffy, who’s needs all of our love…

Good morning everyone! Please welcome my good buddy Taffy to the healing room this morning! Taffy is 14 years old and as you can see, he struggles with some physical ailments. Taffy just turned 14 on Thursday, February 14th. Taffy’s body struggles and yet his spirit soars! Taffy needs assistance for the body that carries his huge spirit and his enormous soul around. Taffy is love and today, I am asking you to send every last bit of love you have to our boy Taffy, his sister Lily and his Mom Nicole and his Father, Rod. This morning, they need us to lift them up and to hold them close. The struggle is real for Taffy and the struggle is just as real for his mom and dad who are carrying him through this storm. Lily, well, her highest self is all about Taffy’s highest good. Her “in body self” though…she is used to Taffy giving her hell, and he isn’t, because he can’t and so please send her all of your good juju this morning to love her bobo through this difficult journey.

We all have that special someone and Victor, well he sure was someone special. Just ask Rod or Nicole about Victor! Victor was the first angel that came down when I called for Taffy’s tribe to surround him. Victor pushes Taffy’s little ass right back across the rainbow bridge that he was trying to cross too soon, back to us, for a bit longer. Victor inhabits Taffy’s little body now much of the time, to help him keep wheeling himself along. Last night, just like I held little Aiden for twelve days, in recliners and felonious hands…in abandoned cars and sickness…I held Taffy. Taffy will not leave my arms, and I ask you to give all the love you mustered up for Aiden and his family for Taffy and his family now. As Taffy and I journey, as Morgan and Marne and I still journey, I ask each of you to lift us up. With all you’ve got this morning, please lift us all up in your love and healing light that we may love Taffy and his family to the brim and overflowing!

I have never really been able to explain my work. I realize as I write this morning that is because it needs no explanation. My work is my work and when it is done, it is forgotten. I once birthed a baby rhinoceros in the Serengeti. I still swim with Morgan and her calf Marne in Tenerife. I am always right next to Aiden and I go to see him every chance I get.

Aiden asks for your love for his buddy Taffy this morning. I never laid hands or eyes on Aiden until Aiden finally came home. My eyes, in my work, they are not what gives me the vision I need to do my work. My heart and my divinity…my love and my desire to spread God’s love and healing…my knowing and my acceptance that I am here to love us all home…that is one tool I use daily…and she has never once failed me. As I walk out of fear and into love, I thank Aiden and Taffy and Teddy and Alice and Penn…Gypsy and Hannah…Michael and Jackson and Sid…Rio and countless other clients who have walked me home. My interaction with these clients has inspired a shift for me in my work. This shift is to return to the Serengeti, where I did not give one fuck what people would think if I relayed my experience, of birthing a baby rhinoceros so that she could live, while her mommy died birthing her. I brought her in and I carried her mom out. When the time came, I picked up my own mother in my loving arms and I carried her home. That is who I am and that is how I do it. Actually, to be honest, I don’t do it. God uses me as a vessel to do what he cannot do without hands. I am merely an instrument used by the master himself, and I am so thankful, grateful and blessed. Thank you God, for choosing me to love your beautiful babies. Love is a verb and I am learning how to love as I am loved.

Taffy might have a day left. Taffy might have a week or a month or years left. We have no way of knowing, until we know. Taffy told me yesterday, as I gazed into his mother’s beautiful, sparkling and “Sherry blue” eyes, filled with tears, that until his soul leaves his eyes, he is all in. My mom opened her beautiful, sparkling blue eyes one last time, before the last time she opened her eyes…and the last time, her eyes were gray…for her soul had left the building. Taffy reminds us all that our eyes are the window to our soul. When that light goes out, the soul soars free and we bust out of the bodies that contained us and can no longer carry us. I saw my mom yesterday, in Nicole’s eyes and I saw little Aiden in Taffy. I see you in me and me in you. As we walk each other home, sometimes we all need a little lift. Today, with all of my heart, I ask you to lift Taffy and his family up and that you love them with all you’ve got!

I hope you all have a beautiful Saturday and I ask you to please say with me, “We love you Taffy! We have got you in our loving arms! Let’s keep rolling big guy!”

Thank you for bringing color to my world…

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you had a beautiful day of love yesterday! I had a beautiful day of love and I feel so, so blessed.

I won’t lie, there was a sting yesterday…an emptiness of things gone before. A void where my Mom and Dad once were…a sadness that could not be consoled. I sat silently all evening, gazing off into the nothingness…bringing my mind back in from wandering through times behind me, as much as possible. Thinking of Valentines Days gone from me, I began again yesterday, to make this day my day of love. All of my love and gratitude for those who loved me so much, those whom are gone from me now. To my Mom in heaven, Happy Valentines Day Mom. I missed your strawberry cake and your cream puffs…your velvet heart box of chocolate candy and your beautiful red roses and glittery card. I miss you mom. I love you.

I cannot not feel as I’m feeling. I am doing my best to just sit with it and let it have its way with me until it passes. I am trying not to ask why and I am trying not to hurt. The truth is, I do hurt. I hurt so fucking bad that I can barely breathe. I hurt so deeply that I am paralyzed sometimes, and all I can muster the strength to do is to sit and stare into the nothingness. Wipe the tears from my cheeks and release the lump in my throat, and let it pass. I do this all of the time, to acknowledge the pain and to give it its space and then to set it free.

I could never have known how things would come to be. Nothing could have prepared me for the lies and the deception…the horror that rocked my life…the horror that embodied my life and held me in its grip for so long. I could never have heard the words, still unuttered, even as they ricochet through my mind and annihilate my very troubled soul. On Valentine’s Day, in the midst of amazing love, I just could not let go of the absence of love that brought me here. The candy heart conversations have ceased and the chocolate has all been eaten…the roses have wilted away and died…the cards stopped coming and the time is behind us. A life cut short too soon, to ever have the conversation I have always needed the most. Inside of me there is the conversation I will never have, with a person who is gone, about what in the fuck happened to me and my life. Yesterday, the reality hit me like a ton of little candy hearts…it is finished. It is all finished. There is nothing I can do. There is absolutely nothing I can do with all I have come to know. I’ve been carrying all of these bits and pieces around with me, praying they will somehow come together. These jagged little pieces will never come together, for they are not my pieces, and they never fucking were my pieces. I have been cutting myself on the shards of someone else. I have been left bleeding and scarred horribly by someone else’s transgressions. As I wade through the bullshit and the rhetoric, I begin to see the light of my new day. As my eyes open and I come to know the truth, my eyes fill up with tears and my heart starts to break in two…I shut it down. I think enough has been taken from me already. Enough love…enough time…enough of me…enough of being too much and of not being enough…enough of being an empty and hollow little valentine. Running along with Cupid, shooting my little Cupid bow and arrow..rallying up the love of the masses, with my lifeless and loveless and broken little heart. Enough! Enough! Enough!

I have based who I am upon where I came from. I have defined myself by the life that I was born into and to the ides of those who brought me here. I have adapted their stories and paid their debts…I have survived the unsurvivable. All of this, to be with all of you right now. Had one moment been different…had one horror not have happened, I would not be with you this morning. And so, for all of it…every single bit of it, this morning I bow and give thanks. I am so grateful for everyone and everything in my life, for it has brought me home to you.

I rise and I fall. I ebb and I flow. I try and I come up short. I hit and I miss. I wake up again and I give it all I’ve got to give. I am here for a purpose and I intend to fulfill my dharma. I will live my life from a new plateau now…from a heightened space where I can see and know the world around me. No longer lost in the crowd, I have become the stage. Let us all stand up here together and love this world back to good again.

Your past…no matter who you are, myself especially, is your past. It is behind you for a reason. Your parents, like my parents…they are just people. Flawed and fucked up and dysfunctional as all get out. Your nightmares are my own and the horror…I survived it too. The flashbacks and the blackouts…the PTSD and the trauma…yep, we share that also. And guess what, we fucking earned it! We earned our stripes, didn’t we, you and I? So why do we try so hard to hide our stripes? Why do we hide the very best of who we are behind the veils and the evils of those who refused to do their own fucking work? Why are we not shredding this fucking veil already? Why are we still standing behind it like it’s going to lift itself…like someone is coming to save us? There is no one coming to save us. There has never been anyone coming to save us my friends. We must save ourselves. Only we can save us now. Only we have ever been able to save ourselves. Knowing this and accepting this shall be the foundation for my life. There are no others.

As blessed as I am and as much as I am loved, sometimes the lesser loves that I have lost along the way, still hurt me. As much as I am, sometimes I forget. As far as I have come…I often fail to cheer myself on!. As much as I have, I often find myself wanting more. As much as all of this hurts, I am so thankful for the lessons. I am beyond thankful to have the most amazing girl on the world to love me no matter what…for amazing friends and dedicated and gifted angel therapists and doctors, placing their hands and intentions in me to heal the pain that a lifetime can no longer ignore. I am thankful that Shawn is back because of all the things I have ever lost, I missed my baby brother the very most. Through all of everything, my baby brother has meant so much to me and I thank God that we found our way back to one another.

Today, most of all…this girl is fucking blessed and so thankful for the love and abundance and beauty in her life! You are part of my color and part of my beauty and I am so glad you are here with me this morning! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

I cut this puppets strings and I set this circus down. And so it is.

Happy Sunday everyone. I hope you have a beautiful day planned today. I have a beautiful day planned with my girl and I am so happy to be spending today with her!

I realize that I have been vague and ambiguous as to what exactly is going on in my life for the last month. I really just don’t have words and the words I have had…well they have not been kind, and so as much as possible, I have held on to them. I have been in the most excruciating emotional pain of my entire life and I am done feeling this way. Tamara hit her breaking point last night and I woke to hit mine this morning. These girls are done and fucking done with the pain and drama that has infiltrated our lives…with the non-transparency and the lies and the manipulation and the fucking piles upon piles of bullshit…done and fucking done, we are with this rhetoric. I have cried enough tears in the last month to nearly drown myself. I allow the river I have cried since my mom got sick, to flush my heart of what does not belong to me. I allow the tears to wash it all away…wash it all away…wash it all away. And so it is.

I have learned that I come from the Cherokee Indians. I am 1/16 Cherokee Indian. These shall be the roots that grow deep into the earth to ground and center me. I shall begin to know my people and their ways…their traditions and their customs. Of all that I have come to know that I am, I choose to hold onto this. My mom mentioned this throughout my life…this small part of her lineage, that she seemed to care nothing much about, other than to see if it would qualify me for financial assistance for college. I on the other hand, didn’t give a fuck about college, and have always been far more interested in this piece of myself. Who am I and where did I come from? This information was given to me by my cousin last week and this is all I know of who I am, in lineage. So, if you know anything about me and who I am, I would love to hear from you. If you have a piece of this part of our lineage, I would love for you to share it with me, in a photo…in a story…in a handwritten letter…I would love to have a piece of that part of me. Truly, for me, I am going to take this piece of myself and I am going to let the rest go. I am choosing who I am and I am shedding who I am not. I begin with learning all I can about the People I come from, and their ways and traditions. This piece of myself has always called out to me and I call back now…I am ready. I am here. Please come for me and tell me from where I came. And so it is.

As I came down here to write this morning, stumbling on the wreckage of my past…Bruised and battered and all banged up. Shamed and embarrassed by shit that isn’t even mine…bleeding out for those who have gone on ahead of me and for those who left me behind…flailing and crashing about in all of this fucking rubble…I barely made it safely to the door of our healing space. I am fucking done. Truly, done and fucking done. I have come to let you know that if you are unhealthy for me, I have come to let you go. I will not exert any energy, any longer on anyone who does not love me honestly, openly and like a verb. I will not spend one more moment attempting to save The drowning, until I hone my own swimming skills first. Even then, I shall throw out a life preserver and I shall not be attached to whether you grab hold or not, for you are drowning and only you can save you from that. Only I can save me from this. I have finally come to know that this battle is with myself. I will not spend one more second hating myself. I have been in the very worst space and the very worst pain of my entire life for the past three years and forty days and I am fucking done. I am done and fucking done, dangling by the thread whose puppet master knows no bounds, no mercy and no compassion. Today, I cut this puppets strings and I set this circus down. For this is not my circus and these are not my clowns. As I look around me, I begin to laugh with abandon, at the clowns 🤡 all around me 🤡 look at the silly little 🤡 clowns!!!!! As I untangle myself from these strings and I realize I am finally free, I run with the clowns 🤡 to the gate that has held me! This circus 🎪…these 🤡 clowns….they are not even mine!!! Entangled in their stories and suffocated in their dysfunction no longer…this is not my circus and I am free to go!!!! Not my circus and not my clowns…not my circus and not my clowns…not my circus and not my clowns….and so I set this circus down. And so it is.

Thank you Tamara, for carrying me through the literal hell of the past three years and 40 days and 40 nights. The anguish and the pain…the primal cries and the destruction in our own lives, as a result, all behind us now. Thank you for carrying me when I could not even breathe and for breathing your breath into me when I could not find my own. Thank you for breaking last night, so that I could break this morning, so that we can be done with what is not ours. Thank you for the hell you have endured to see me through my own. Thank you for being my girl and my whole world. I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and always, my beautiful, dear, and amazing girl! Thank you for seeing me thorough this. We are done and fucking done with that which is not ours. And so it is.

To every single one of you who has held me though this storm, with all of my heart, I love you and I thank you. For every single prayer…for every bit of love…thank you. I love you right back.

For those tossed about by the turbulence of the forces that moved in us when we came together, I pray for your peace and for your return to stillness now. For those whom I chased after being dismissed, I cut the cord that binds us and set us both free to our own dharma now. To the circus and all of the clowns, my deepest thanks for hosting me. It has been quite a fucking doozie up in here, and I thank you for your hospitality and for your lessons, turning into blessings every single day. To anyone I have hurt and to everyone I have harmed, I offer my sincerest and most heartfelt apology to you now. I know I have been the clown in many circuses myself and so I acknowledge the disruption and I set the circus down. And so it is.

I hope you have a beautiful Sunday! As I untangle from the final string, held only by my own pause, I am off to love and live my life today! I love you!

You are writing your own story. Make it a good one!

Good morning beautiful people! Happy Friday and what a day to make a different choice, wouldn’t you agree?

I went to bed with my body blessed by angels once again and I am so, so thankful! I went to bed next to the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world…my truest and dearest friend and my best confidant…my soulmate and my lover…the co-founder of a dream that we are building together…my anchor and my rock…and I am blessed beyond measure! I had a day full of the most beautiful and grateful clients, who pay me well and love me well and I am open and ready for some more clients like that please! I had a beautiful morning working with my colleagues, for the healing of one of our very own, and I am blessed beyond measure to be amongst such prestigious colleagues, who know and trust my work, to have me place my hands and my energy upon their best friends. I will always value and invite time like this, to give back to those who refer and share me with you, so that I can help you too and pay my bills. To everyone who loves me like a verb…thank you, and I am an open invitation for some more love like that please! My little brother and my sister checked in on me, as we have been most recently doing for one another and I will definitely have some more of that please! I had weekly tea with my very best friend, Sigrid, and I will always welcome more time and love and space and honesty and friendship, like a verb, like that, in my life! Coral and Sigrid tea time is nourishment and fuel for my soul on this journey and I am blessed! To all of these endeavors, I drove in the FJ Cruiser that I love and cherish so much, as Jesus takes the wheel, and my musical medicine blasts through the speakers, of the piece of my mom and dad that I have left, and I am thankful! I feel my beautiful and radiant cousin, Regina, in and around all of the good and positive and wonderful memories of my past and with me always on this journey and I love you so much cousin! Always, in all ways, I have room for love like Regina…thank you and more…yes please! I arrived home safe and sound at our Sanctuary in the woods, surrounded by all of my best friends…for they love me from wherever they are, to wherever I am, always and without fail or prejudice, and I am home! My health is good and getting better every day, in every way. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And I am so thankful for my life and for those who share this journey with me. Every day begins and ends in gratitude. Every day I am better than I was yesterday. And so it is.

This is the version of how my day ended and began that I am choosing to share and to focus on. These are the parts of my day that I am pulling out to give thanks for. These moments are my focus henceforth. These are the people I choose to rejoice in and to be grateful for, as are they for me, life’s breath. Everyone and everything else, that does not serve my highest good, I release! I stand in love and for, love in all things. I believe in love and I believe in each of us. I believe, with all of my heart in the good things coming! Thank you, my brother, Nahko, for your love.

Love is an action word and I challenge each of to truly grasp this and to know this and to live this! Love in action will open up your life!! Love in words…well, we all know what that empty and often loveless love feels like, don’t we? Where there is void, to be love in action and you will fill the void. Love in action is not always easy, as it is an action, not an empty mouth full of empty promises and lies. Action, being in action and of service…very different from choosing the “right” words, wouldn’t you agree?

We all make a choice every time we open, or do not open our mouths. I am choosing to keep my mouth closed in situations where I have nothing kind to say. In this silence, I pray for peace for those whom I choose not to open my mouth to anymore. I choose to whom I speak and to whose calls I heed. I choose whose words I shall open myself up to. I give myself permission to leave when I am done. I give myself permission to choose the clients whom I can help and to charge accordingly for my time and my services. I ask the universe to bless us all that we be synced together for our highest goods. I pray that we all feel the value of the relationship we walk into together. I pray that we each be served and valued for our life’s work and our contributions accordingly. And so it is.

Have a beautiful Friday everyone! You are writing your own story today. What will you write? Let’s write a with all of our hearts, shall we?

I bow my head in prayer…

Good morning everyone! Today is one of introspection for me. I feel that I need to pull myself inward a bit and lick my own wounds. I need to handle my own demons and address my own life fall out. I need to spend some time loving myself today and more time loving my girl today, as this day hurts her.

I imagine you may be hurting today too. I know you are. I feel your pain as my very own. Today, I spend time in sacred meditation to clear the residual pain that didn’t pass through. Your pain and my pain…they have lingered in me. Today, for us all, I do a clearing and blessing of that pain, as I send it back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all.

I revisit the Upledger Course I took very early in my career, called, “Healing From the Core; Grounding and Healthy Boundaries” this morning. I remind myself to ground and center and to unravel your pain from my own, that we each be blessed with her lessons and her blessings. Our pain is here to teach us,to grow us and to bring us to our joy. Forgive me for trying to shield you from the pain that you have coming as your own birthright. I stand back and allow you your journey. Somehow I merged into your journey and lost sight of my own. It feels nice to give us both space and permission for our pain, doesn’t it? I believe in the good things coming! I believe in you. I believe in me. I believe in us, collectively and individually on this journey. I do fully believe that you know what is best for you. You called upon yourself what you need to evolve and grow on your journey, just as I have. The harder the lessons, the deeper the blessings, right? I do not speak of those of you who’ve come to me and asked for help, as you’ve got me in your pocket. I speak of those who have not asked for my help…those whom I tried to help anyway. To each of you, I apologize for interfering in your journey and all that befalls and blesses you. I return to my own journey and to what befalls and blesses me. And so it is.

  • My journey will always cross lines to protect those without voices, for whatever renders them speechless is their cry for help and our call to action. No matter who you are, you’ve a responsibility and a moral obligation to those who need your help and cannot speak for themselves. We must help those who cannot ask for help themselves and those who obviously and desperately come to us and ask, just the same. We know right from wrong, don’t we? We feel it when it’s wrong, in our guts…in our hearts…in our shaking hands and quivering and screaming voices…we know right from wrong. We are our own moral compass, you know? And not one of us is without opportunity for some balance and some Good Orderly Direction. So, today is about all of this for me. Returning to center and to balance. Evaluation of what is mine and what is not mine. Finding balance and synchronicity within my own compass and my own life’s path. I am so thankful for the studio that surrounds me and for the wilderness that blankets her this morning as I bow my head in prayer.
  • I hope you have a beautiful Monday. I love you and I thank you for being here this morning. I know the room still feels heavy. I am working on it…thanks for staying with me as I figure it all out.
  • Be the Angel that you have prayed for…

    Good afternoon everyone! Happy Sunday! I have missed you. Hell, I have missed me! I will not lie. The struggle has been real and I have had to hold my tongue. I return today with love in my heart, to where we left off with the beautiful new paint, in our healing room!

    I hope you are loved deeply by someone. Being loved deeply by someone has truly saved me and given me the strength, to begin to find ways to love me deeply. I am talking about being loved deeply, like a verb. Loved so deeply that you cannot not feel it. I am learning how to love, and part of how I am learning is to feel how I want to be loved. I want to feel it in my soul and know it in my heart and so that is where I begin. To me, love like this has to be a verb, because I have to feel it. I cannot see it. I cannot hear it. Not unless it is in action and in harmony with how I want to feel it. I must know it in my soul because it has returned to me, this knowing of love. I have always known. Now, I feel home.

    I write today for us all, to remind us that we are not alone. Not really a poem…a writing from me to you, to remind you to be the Angel that you have prayed for.

    When we scream out in need, love answers the cry. We must feel it. We know only what we have come to feel, not what we have come to hear.

    When we pray for the angels, they appear. Often in ordinary clothes and without their wings. Angels on earth walk among us and they guide us home.

    When the darkness overcomes us and the demons run us out, love brings us back to our own soul. Love will never co-exist with fear and God will never co-exist with fear. God is love. Fear is not God. Fear is not love. God is benevolent. We forget, don’t we? Our own divinity…we forget that we are God. God created you in his image and God is in your mirror. We are not and never have been separate from God. God is not out there. God is in here. He asked me to remind us all of this. And so it is.

    Every single one of us is here with opportunity to be an angel to someone else, every single day.

    Every single one of us will see the angels we have called upon if we lose our expectation as to what they will look and be like. Angels will feel like angels. You will always know the angles among you.

    What feels amazing to you? What lights you up? What cozies you up in loves embrace? Go be that for someone else. We must act outside of ourselves, in both thought and deed, and the angels will surround us. Wayne Dyer reminds us to want what we want, more for someone else, than we want it for ourselves. The person you are struggling to love right now, love them the most. Want for them, more for them, what you want for you, than you want it for you. Truly. If you doubt, try it and then you shall doubt no more.

    Unconscious action and behavior still has accountability.

    Compassion is just a word without action. Karuna means compassionate action in Sanskrit.

    Love is just a word without action.

    Saving those without voices does not only include the animals and sentient beings. Those without voices are those who cannot and do not and have a voice to speak up for themselves.

    Being an advocate for anyone begins with first advocating for yourself, with all of your heart. You must fight harder for you than you will ever fight with anyone else. In the end, the battle is only ever with yourself anyway.

    If you want it badly enough, you are the only one who can make it happen for you. Only you can set it down and never pick it back up. SOJA thank you. You are the only one who can release whatever it is that you are struggling to release. Stop holding whatever it is and hold yourself instead. I believe you. I have always believed in you.

    We…you and I…we are fabulous, aren’t we? Angels and lovers and friends…we are blessed. We are love. Let us go out there and spread ourselves amongst those who do not know that they are angels also, shall we?

    Have a beautiful Sunday afternoon! Go be the Angel that you have prayed for, for someone else! I love you!

    I found the remedy for my pain!

    Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I had a rough night, full of nightmares and dreams of vomiting and running and vomiting repeatedly. The tears started as soon as I opened my eyes and I said hell to the fucking no! I am not letting this pain hijack me again today! I jumped into action this morning, with my new remedy for this pain. I know I have to change the way I am looking at things and so when I feel like this, I have committed to being of service in some way, to take me out of me. I will not be controlled by my fear and my pain, at least not today! I know the remedy for my pain is to be of service, to love and help others…to be love…to hug and smile and laugh and to share myself with you!

    I came down to the studio to blog and to meditate. Somehow, I needed to do more. I received and email from Propeller yesterday and I finally opened it this morning, inviting me to volunteer on Andrew McMahons tour. Andrew founded the Dear Jack foundation to help young adults diagnosed with cancer. I disregarded it a few times and something kept pulling me back. I listened and I opened it and I applied to volunteer at his event in Aspen Colorado on March 10, 2018, for his Upside Down Flowers Tour. I always find myself wanting to do things like this and I rarely make the time. We make time for what is important. Loving and being of service and healing…those are all top priority for me right now. I am going to make the time, even though I could give myself a dozen excuses not to. I am important. You are important. Being of service to one another is why we are here. We must truly look at what is important to us and at what drives and heals and propels us, and we must take action.

    My Mom died unexpectedly and very quickly of cancer, on December 3, 2015. I have not been okay since. My life literally went offline to a large degree, and has been such since. Countless hours at the cemetery and billions upon billions of tears. So, so much loss. So, so much unrecognized and unhealed pain. I have shaved my head for many, many years for people with cancer. My mom insisted that I not shave for her and I honored her wishes and did not shave while she was living. After my Mom passed away, I shaved my head for her and for so many of you with cancer,and I had “FUCK CANCER” tattooed across the back of my head. Presently I am shaving for 5 people in my life with cancer, and for everyone battling cancer. I shave every couple of days and I shave in silence, solidarity, prayer and reflection. I will never not shave my head, to give Sampson’s strength to those of you fighting this battle. Please know how much I love you and that I am with you always, loving you and cheering you on. When your time comes, I will be with you still, to carry you home. I will always be with you.

    The past two weeks hit me even harder than my moms cancer hit me and I have not been okay at all. I have known not what to do. I have been a constant companion of Wayne Dyer and Nahko and SOJA and Rumi. I have been in silence and in prayer, wailing on my knees and inconsolable. Yesterday, with all of my might and with everything in me, I promised me to pull me out of this before it destroys me. I know I came here to love and to teach love, to be of service and inspiration. And so it is.

    This morning I made the same choice again. One minute at a time for me right now, with one foot in front of the other, I cross the threshold into me…I am here to find me! I hope you will come along. I’m so glad you are still here. I fucking love you! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for how you all love me. Have a beautiful day everyone! Go out today and be an instrument of thy peace. Be someone’s reason to smile. Be that hug that you give away because you know you need one too.

    I am back!

    Good morning everyone! Happy Friday! Thank you for sticking with me. I know I’ve been gone from this, our healing room. My pain has not been able to be contained in my own home and so I have been down the driveway in my studio, as to not impact Tamara and Rocky and Aliah and Baby Taos and Prajna and and Nahko Bear and Mala Bear and Karma Kitty with all of this pain. I’ve not wanted to bring the depth of my mourning and despair into this place. I have had no words. I have been in such pain and devastation and despair that I could not write much at all. To be honest, I’ve done nothing much more than cry and meditate and pray. I have been working in and on the studio. I have been catatonic and in shock…until the shock wears off a bit and then I just wail in agony. My eyes are barely able to open at all from all of this crying and my face hurts. In the kitchen last night, I grasped my chest and almost went to my knees in agonizing pain, as I literally, physically felt my heart breaking. I write to heal myself and to get it all out. I created this space to do just that. I’ve not been able to come to my own healing room and I’m not okay with that. I’ve not been able to speak my truth and to articulate my experience. I have been paralyzed in the very worst pain of my entire life and I’ve known not what to do. Yesterday, I cleared my day to honor this day as a day of mourning in the studio. Uninterrupted and sacred. Last night before I went to lie down, I decided that last night, I should have a death of my own. I decided to see my wake for what it truly is…the trail that is left behind. I have spent the last several days with Wayne Dyer and he reminds us that the wake, the path that is left behind us, will never be able to guide and propel us forward. The boat cannot be powered and guided by the trail that it leaves behind. This morning at my own wake, I lie to rest the trail that is left behind me…my past and my own history. I will be driving my own boat henceforth. Thank you Wayne for walking me through this. As soon as my wake is over this morning, I dedicate and honor this day as that of my own resurrection, rather than a day of mourning. I have given the last 390 days and most excruciating of all, the past 14 days to mourning the loss of someone, as I knew and understood and believed them to be. I cannot speak more about this right now. I have given 1120 days to mourning and grieving the loss of my beautiful mother, may God rest her soul.

    Today, I honor me and my resurrection from the death that has been my life, from the pain that has been my existence and from the bondage of what others think of me. With all due respect and nothing more, I honor each person who has touched my life. I forgive myself for my transgressions and I forgive you for yours. I set my sword down. I turn from the back of my boat and the wake that I saw as my guidance and my direction and I turn to face the sun…I look ahead into the distance and I see nothing but good things coming. And so it is.

    To each and every single one of you…thank you, from the deepest place in my heart for how you love me and pray for me and feel me. I love you so, so much. To Tamara and Baby Taos and Rocky, Aliah, Karma Kitty, Prajna, Nahko Bear and Mala Bear, Sigrid and each of you who have held loving space for me, thank you. I love you with all of my heart.

    When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change, as Wayne reminds me, and I remind you. Let us see the path in front of us and be guided by our souls purpose, that we may free ourselves from the bondage of our pasts.

    I love you and I thank you for staying with me, even when I couldn’t be with me. Have a beautiful Friday. I love you.