Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

What would Jesus do on Easter Sunday?

Good morning everyone. Happy Easter. Easter was a super important day in our family growing up. Church and Easter brunch…gathering with friends, the Easter bunny and hiding and finding eggs for hours. The resurrection and the meaning of this day. For me now, Easter is different. Easter, like other holidays is another day. We don’t eat or color eggs because they are not ours. We aren’t up before the crack of dawn to get to sunrise service. We do not gather the congregation and dig a hole in the ground and roast a pig that was alive a couple of days ago, to celebrate the resurrection of Christ. No, Easter is different for me now. My life is different for me now. Bunnies and baby chicks and pigs are not exploited for me to celebrate my beliefs. My beliefs have never made me a better person. My actions have made me a hypocrite to some and a saint to others, at times. At the end of this day though, just like any other day, Easter is in our hearts. God doesn’t give a fuck that you show up to church on Easter Sunday when you go virtually Godless for the rest of the year. God doesn’t care about the cross you carry today, he wants to know what you did with the cross you were crawling upon when you got distracted by that ego of yours again. Easter Sunday is yet another opportunity for us to realize that we are all walking each other home. We miss that, don’t we? I find it a difficult imagine to conjure up…Jesus picking out the perfect pig to slaughter, gathering up the rabbits and baby chicks and wishing them all a happy Easter before he wacks their fucking heads off…as he moseys up to the cross to meet his fate, so that we may all be forgiven. I’m just saying…parts of the story have a nice ring to them and parts of the Easter story are fucking horrifying. Our spirituality is like that, isn’t it? Some of it…we have nailed down and know it backwards and forward and inside out and upside down…and some of it, well it’s not even a fable…it’s fucking utter bullshit. Our own bullshit, that we cannot even sell in a nice little Easter Basket on Easter Sunday. God is in the details. God is in you. You are God. We are not separate from all of this. We are not outside of our spirituality looking in. We are out spirituality. We are our God and we show others who God is through us. Easter Sunday, all dressed up and looking dapper as hell…don’t forget who you are. Don’t forget why you are here. Don’t throw Jesus back up on that cross for your sins…how about you atone and stop fucking sinning? How about you look deeply into that mirror and ask yourself what Jesus would do. What would Jesus do? What would Jesus be doing on Easter Sunday? I mean if that matters to you…what would your homeboy, Jesus, be doing on this sacred and holy day? How about today, you go out there and do and be that…be who Jesus would be today. Do you think that Jesus would be slaughtering baby lambs for Easter dinner? Or roasting pigs in the ground? Do you think Jesus runs around gathering ovulations from chickens cloacas, to color and hide for the children to find? Do you think that Jesus has an Easter basket and eats peeps and chocolate bunnies? Does Jesus walk amongst a sea of white crosses and see his cross any differently than our crosses? Today and every day…what does your Jesus do that you want to model in your own life? What would Jesus be doing on this Easter Sunday? Let us all go out today and do that, shall we?

We have these sayings and we have these memes….we have these notions and ideas of things. We have these picture perfect pictures…pictures that we aren’t even in. Pictures that we don’t even recognize. The last supper…the twelve disciples…Jesus and his apostles…doubting Thomas and the Virgin Mary…Zachary and Zacheaus…This little light of mine and the church and the steeple…where are we in all of this? Who are we in this picture of divinity? We worship things outside of ourself and we wonder why we are not whole. We cannot and do not buy in to things that we are not a part of. So, I’m just curious…on Easter Sunday, does your worship include you? Does your story of Jesus have you in it? May I say that if not, you might want to take a look at that? In order to express your own dharma and your own divinity, you need to realize that your story, not Jesus’ story is why you are here. You have to jump up in that picture and you have to be the star of your own life. Jesus was the star of his life. He set an example for us to follow, to improve upon…to model…he never came here to make you invisible and unaccountable to your own self and those you claim to love, as you hide behind him and all of his glory. We all have our own cross to bear. We all have our own trials and tribulations. We all need some direction and some assistance sometimes. What would Jesus really be doing on Easter Sunday? How about we all go out today and do that? Just a suggestion…let us be like Jesus today. Being like Jesus will mean a different thing to each of us…as this is a personal journey for each of us. I would say that Jesus is a good start though…someone to model ourselves afterwouldn’t you? Like Buddha, And the thousand other names for God…let us not forget that we are our own divinity. We are the God within us. Let us not forget that when we go out I to the world today, okay? What would Jesus be doing on Easter Sunday?

Happy Sunday. Happy Easter. Whoever you are and however you celebrateremember that we are all in this together, walking each other home…Jesus knew this. Today, let us be reminded of it as well…we are here to love each other home. Our resurrection will be the day we realize that and begin to live accordingly. Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

My life either needs to end or my life needs to begin…

Happy Saturday everyone! I am so glad you’re here! I am struggling to be here and so I apologize in advance. I come this morning to shift my thinking and my attitude, that I spend my life in gratitude and in the present moment. I have done all I can do with what is behind me. I have tried my best and I know that everyone else tried their best too. When our best doesn’t feel good enough, it is a good time to remind ourselves that giving it all we’ve got is really all we’ve got to give. If that’s not enough…your best, my best, maybe we’ve just been giving our all, to the wrong people. Time to re-evaluate and to turn inward…the time is now to walk away from what does not serve our highest good. We have the right to leave. Especially when staying is only killing our soul and delaying the inevitable anyway.

On my long drive yesterday, I finally let it all go. I know things I wish I could not know. I feel things that have rendered me forever changed. I hurt in ways that most people will never know or imagine. I have endured betrayal so vile and destructive that I almost took my own life because of it. I am thankful to know the things I’ve come to know and I am also fractured because of this knowing. I am healing and broken in this knowing and I have no other way to be.

People tend to rip these wounds wide open a lot. With gaping wounds and salt in hand, people have taken advantage of my disposition. Words and ill intentions…judgement and ridicule abound, and I simply let it all trail off behind me yesterday on that freeway. I simply let it all go. Places and people and names and remembrances…judgement and regrets…fears and vendettas…I just let it all fade away behind me. It’s not gone and yet it’s not right here, debilitating me this morning. The nothingness of it all is unfamiliar to me. Most welcome, this nothingness. Thank you for the nothing that replaces my past, and locks it safely away, until a lesson is needed from the archives.

We all have our own vaults, where we archive our lives. My vault has been cleared out and condensed down. There is nothing here that I need to take with me now. The pictures I choose are in my mind and etched into my heart. The cards and letters…the memories I held on to, they shall be returned to the universe by fire. I take nothing forward with me from this era of my life. I leave it behind, where it belongs. I detach it’s hold on me and all of its power. I throw sage upon the flames and as I turn to leave, I throw you right up on top, to be returned and cleansed and healed. All of the love I have left for you…I throw that up there too, as I don’t carry it anymore. I will never deny it. I will not speak of it again though. I will not lay my eyes upon you or speak of you again. Our business is complete here and I bid you farewell. May God bless you and keep you. May he shine his face down upon you and offer you peace.

Yesterday I acted out a conscious decision to detach from the people in my life who have hurt me and harmed me…raped me and brutalized me…mocked and berated…hated and plotted against me. I spoke their names and I sent each of them on their way, cleansed and forgiven, free to be. I’ve no need to hold these things any longer. I’ve no place for this pain. I’ve no desire for relationship or closure with these individuals. I cut any cords that bind us and I release us from one another. Your energy holds no power here any longer, nor mine over you. We are free to be free from one another. And so it is.

I realized that my life either needs to end or my life needs to begin. The space in between has been excruciating and so I step out. I take my first step into my new life this morning, the life that I am here to live. My legs are shaky and my heart breaks a little, as I feel that you are really gone. Thank you for going. Thank you for finally letting me go. My life cannot be lived, it will only ever be painful, as long as you are in it. So, thank you for going and leaving me to people who want to love me. You are free to go. You and I are done here. Be well.

This concludes this morning’s blog and any relationship in my life that has caused me more sorrow than joy, more pain than happy and more betrayal than loyalty. I bid you all farewell. I wish you well. I am making room for those of you who actually want to be here. And so it is.

When we take what we need, we can begin to offer what we have

Happy Saturday morning everyone. I am glad you are here. I feel better pulling myself off of social media for a bit. Everything feels so negative and heavy and unenlightened and it’s just a bit too much for me right now. The energy of it all drains me and causes me sadness and anxiety. And so, here we are, in the healing room. Thanks for being here!

I am kind of existing in a certain sadness right now. There aren’t words for it. It just is. Reality became clear and my heart became broken and it really is that simple. I know we all feel this way sometimes. I am just finally letting myself just feel it until I don’t feel it anymore. Tossing and turning and not eating or sleeping…all signs that I have had a bit too much. These are the same signs that I ignore and push through most of the time. For me, for now though…I hear myself saying that I need to take a moment. I need to heal. I need to cry and let go. I hear all of you all of the time. I am finally screaming so fucking loudly inside that I hear me too. I must take what I need so that I am able to offer what I have.

My journey with Robin and Aiden further opened me up to my purpose. My journey with you opens you to your purpose. That is why we are each here…to walk each other home. On our walk, let us not forget the people right beside us. Let us not be so fucking cliche and hurt the ones we love the most. We can stop doing this…we must stop doing this. Loving someone the most is not a license to disregard their heart and their feelings. Hurt people hurt people. We must break this cycle. If you’re hurting someone…stop. Truly, do what you need to do to fix yourself to stop hurting others. You really don’t have the right. Your excuses…well they are just that…they are your excuses. Your fucked up programming and your insufficient child rearing…your diagnosed disorders and your mental inadequacy…all legit and all yours to figure out. Society does not owe you and we do not owe you. You are going to have to pull yourself out of this on your own. Each of us has come to this place, where we are all we’ve got. Each of us are all we’ve got. Everyone and everything else is an illusion.

  • My life is a pretty open book. Our home has also been a revolving door. Our private life is in the distant past. Being on display has proven to be a bit much at times. The scrutiny and the rhetoric around who we are and how and what we do…the morbid fascination with us…it’s pretty surreal and unprecedented. We are here for the animals, and somehow, we fall under scrutiny for every little thing with the people. Strange dichotomy for sure. Learning to live this way is proving challenging at times. And so I find myself in constant prayer and meditation. I am pretty melancholy and badly beaten from the blows. I am not and I will not be broken though. The sadness from the inside is running down my cheeks. I feel like I’ve been in battle. I set my sword down, for I am weary and I need rest. The battle I’ve been fighting is only ever with myself.
  • The snow on the trees and the chill in the air…the darkness around me and Taos at my feet. The stillness overrides the undercurrents in my life that do not serve my highest good. The stillness finally overcomes me also. No time or words for the things that elude me…a clear reminder that they must not be my things. And so I set them back down. I was so caught up that I forgot to even notice that I picked them up at all.
  • As I learn, I grow. As I move forward, I regress. As I finally get it, I forget. As I try too hard, I am reminded to stop trying and to just be. The not taking shit personally though…fuck me running…For the life of me, I cannot yet see, how things with my name directly on them are not to be taken personally. Hence, a work in progress. Working every day to progress a little more, in the direction of my own soul and my dreams, to a world that chooses love.
  • Have a beautiful Saturday everyone and thank you for joining me here! I love you!
  • Calling up love for the Dyer family and Happy Birthday Regina!!!!!

    I have been blessed beyond measure. Truly, I have been. My hard days are less difficult and my good days are getting better and better. I’m coming back into myself a bit and I feel so blessed to have been journeying with Robin and her family for the past couple of weeks. Life is precious and death reminds me of that. Memories make and sustain us. Everything else…well, that’s just everything else. When we leave here, we cannot take any of it with us. So thankful for the reminder of that and so honored and blessed to be a part of the Dyer family. Please lift them up and hold them in prayer and in your hearts, as they navigate their world without Robbi. The days after are difficult and I encourage you to reach for them and love them and lift them up. When I lost my mom, the days after were almost surreal. Let us all take a moment to love them up and to remind them that we are here for them. They need us now. If everyone would say it with me…”We love you Dyer family! We are here if you need us!”…I would really appreciate it. We need people the most when we can call upon them the least. Please surround this family in love and light at this time, as they learn to live differently, to heal and to say goodbye for now.

    Today is the Birthday of one of the dearest and most angelic and beautiful souls that I have ever known. Today is my cousin Reginas Birthday. Please wish her a beautiful day and the happiest of Birthdays this morning, will you? My rock and my calm in life’s storms. The beauty in my ugly and the truth amongst the lies. A very piece of my own soul and an angel in a human body…my cousin. Happy Birthday Regina! Have a beautiful day my love! I will be celebrating you ALL day long!!!!

    In loving memory of Duncan and a 2nd writing from Robin Dyer…

    Good evening everyone. Thank you for all of the love and prayers. Duncan is greatly missed. Tamara and I are silent in our own grief right now. Tamara and I are blessed to do the work that we do. We are also destroyed sometimes, when we lose our best friends. Please send all of your love to Tamara and Samuel…today has been heartbreaking. We are devastated. Fly free Duncan, until we meet again. We love you and we are so grateful for our journey with you! Samuel keeps looking up for you. Could you let him know where you are and wrap your wings around he and Momma Tam tonight? Thank you my friend. Thank you. I love you Duncan.

    And, to my sister Robin…thank you also, sister for sharing your journey with me. You’ve a beautiful family sister and I feel both blessed and honored to be amongst you all during this time. This will be the highjacking of my blog…please welcome again, my sister Robin Dyer…

    It’s not like you would think you know. Death…dying. Leaving and staying. It’s not like you would think. It’s not easy or hard. It’s not fast or slow. It just is. The glimpses and the smells, the jolts that take you back…like nodding off while falling asleep. Death isn’t like you would imagine it to be, at least not for me.

    I am dying at home with my family and I am so grateful. I am in my final hours now. I am at peace. I am where I belong. I must die to live again and so I shall. Dying though, it’s not like you would imagine it to be.

    My angel uses my good hands and my old self to decide what needs to be said and what simply stays and what goes. I guide her to guide me home, my way. We will do this my way. I am an anomaly. I do it my way. I will die my way. I lived my way, did I not?

    My beautiful Dennis with raw fingers from strumming his guitar all night. My girls, like raccoons, with weary eyes and sleepy heads. Me, lying in the middle of it all, just taking them all in, one last time, before I go. I am going you know, on and in my time. I am here and I am gone. I am there and I am over here. I am under and over. Behind and ahead. I am everywhere and nowhere. I am at peace. I am tired. I want to be with my family now. I am thankful for my beautiful family. We know. We each know. I’ll not be far away. I’ll not be far away at all.

    This was written by Robin Dyer to her family this evening though the hands of her angel.

    Please pray for Tamara and Samuel. Please pray for Robin and her family. For Dennis and Tiffany and Tam, as they say their goodbyes. With all of our love tonight, let us lift them up and hold them tight in our arms. And so it is. Goodnight everyone. Thank you. I love you.

    Please pray with me this morning.

    Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday. I will make this brief. I am calling up all of your love and prayers today for a dear sister, struggling on her journey from this life into the next. Sitting on the edge and not quite ready to make the leap. I am asking each of you to stop what you are doing and take a moment before you begin your day, before church…to pray with me.

    Our Heavenly Father,

    Please lift our sister up into your loving arms. God shine down upon her and fill her with your mercy and your grace🙏. Most of all Father, fill her with your love and allow her her own forgiveness, as she has long been forgiven by those she has wronged. Please father, help her to know and not doubt this. It keeps her here and she is ready to be there. Please come for her and take her into yourself, that she be born anew, to continue your work. Our sister knows of her next mission and so father I ask you to remove the cloud that keeps her from her own clarity, that she may say when it’s time and that she may be granted your mercy to let go, when the exact time is right, for her. In the time and space in between father, please take her pain and her worry, her agony and her doubt. As always and in all ways, I humbly thank you for hearing our prayer. Our sister is in our hands now. When she is ready father, I will lift her up to you, that she not get lost along her way to you. With all of my love and gratitude, I thank you for hearing our prayer. And so it is. Amen.

    Praying for those who I love the most today…

    Good morning everyone! I’m sorry I’ve been distant. The struggle has been real for me for a few days and I’ve been quiet. I am good. I just really get sad sometimes. I miss my Dad a lot and I cannot imagine what the fuck happened. I let it go before I get suicidally depressed over it. Why should I be so sad when other people decide to go? Why should I want that which has left me? I have decided that I will not spend time here, trying to make it make sense. Why battle to stay away? Feels like I should just be able to be gone and be done and over it, for it is clearly finished. Anyway, I won’t lie, i fucking hurt, like I’ve never hurt before over it. Until I don’t hurt anymore, I will allow the pain to heal me, as it has hurt me enough already. And that’s enough of that. That is where I have been…not where I am at this morning.

    This morning I am praying for our friend, and for her recovery and for traveling mercies today. Today I set down those who do not love me anymore so that I can be present with those who do love me. I ask you to please say a little prayer for our friend as she travels back home to recover from major surgery. Today, my heart is with her and all of my love…with her. I lift her up that God may literally carry her back to her home and her life and her loves. God, please wrap your loving arms and protection around our friend today and get her home safe, to her healing space, with those who she loves and who love her the most. Please God, place your hands on her, that she heal and recovery perfectly and peacefully. All of my love my friend! We will see you soon! Safe travels and take good care of you today!

    I also have another dear friend returning home today, after being away for some healing. My friend left his love and his life to go and find himself. Today he comes home and I am so thankful that he went. Please send him some love as he re-enters his new life, a new man. Today is a big day for him and for those who love him the most, as he returns from a journey that many of us will never know or understand. I love you my friend! Welcome home!

    And this morning I shave for six of my friends battling cancer. Shaving every couple of days is a spiritual experience for me. As I stand in front of my mirror and shave, I go to each of them. I spend quiet time with each of them. Shaving my hair, to give them strength for their journey, is my way of loving them from where I am at. I have done this as long as I can remember. I will do this for always. This is my way of holding them, of loving them like a verb…of supporting their journey and I am so thankful that I am able and willing to do this. I shave for each of us and for all of us, for we all need strength that we just cannot tap into. I offer you mine. Use it as you need it and pass it on to someone who needs it more, if you don’t need it. We have to begin to make our love tangible. We have to be able to feel each other, if we are ever to give an actual shit what each other is going through, don’t we?

    Aiden went missing on St. Patrick’s day a year ago. I have been in much silent gratitude for his safe return home. Aiden and I became one during his time missing, and I will be forever thankful for his place in my very soul. We slept in the backs of recliners and the floorboards of abandoned cars. Aiden still crawls up and snuggles into my stomach some nights and we hold each other close, until our storms pass. I see Aiden and his beautiful family as often as I can and I am so grateful. Aiden changed my life and opened a piece of my heart that I didn’t even know I had and I am so thankful for Aiden! I love you Aiden!

    I have another dear friend heavy on my heart this morning, as he is struggling also. His demons have come for him repeatedly, and still he fights to stay here with us. He fucks up and gets kicked in his own teeth and he gets back up and he tries again. He is my friend and I love him. He is my heart and I feel him. He is me. I am him.

    Praying prayers of gratitude for all of the amazing love in my life, that allows me to love as I do. I would not be here now if it weren’t for the love of some amazing people who loved me when I could not love myself. Thank you to each and every one of you who loves me. I love you too!

    We never know anyone’s struggle, do we? We have no idea what people are dealing with. We have no idea that they are sick or struggling or terminally ill. We don’t know that their dad just died or that their son has cancer. We don’t know that their son is autistic. We cannot imagine what it’s like to live in their home, where they have no heat. We don’t know what it’s like to have thirteen personalities, abusive parents and dead wives. We don’t know how it feels to be cheated on and left for someone else. Or maybe we do know these things…I know many of these things, and yet, I cannot know these things for you. We carry our own demons with us, until we forgive ourselves and release them from us. We drag our past behind us, until we realize that it is fucking gone and done and over, and it’s not coming back. We unearth the graves a million times before we accept that they are fucking empty. We chase the ones we love the most of all, until we come to accept, finally, that they do not love us back. Out there in the “real” world, in the hustle and bustle, someone just lost someone. Someone just lost their job, their wife, their sobriety…their best friend, their mind…their house, their car…someone just raped someone and doesn’t know what the fuck he has just done. Someone just beat their own child to death. Someone killed their own dog and someone just committed suicide. We are all someone. We have all experienced some of these things. We must know this and begin to love each other through this. We cannot hate our way to love. We must love our way to love. Now is the time my friends. Now is the time.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    We hand you our angel…

    Good morning everyone! I lost my blog twice this morning, due to internet and technical errors. With that being said, there is only one thing that I really need to talk about this morning.

    There is someone whom I love dearly, who needs love and healing prayers this morning. This person means so much to me and is my chosen family…a hand-picked piece of my very own heart. That is all I will say about this. I will invite you to pray with me, if you are so inclined;

    Our Heavenly Father,

    We come to you this morning with our angel in our hands. Our angel, loyal, steadfast, honorable and true, desperately needs your healing Father. We ask you to take our angel in your arms and heal what is not perfect, align what isn’t aligned and restore to health that which is not healthy. We turn our angel over to your love and your care and custody, that you may exercise your will. With all of our hearts, we thank you Lord, for taking our angel unto you and for healing and restoring balance and wholeness to one of the greatest of us down here. Amen.

    A couple of really important Coral lessons this morning…

    Before I begin my blog this morning, I want to address yesterday’s blog for a moment; I wrote about my experience of going off of my prescribed medication, without the care of consult of my PCP or my therapist. I had therapy yesterday and my therapist was not impressed. I will leave it at that. My friend Sigrid asked me to make this clear and so I make clear that, not only is it not recommended to go off of any prescribed medication, ever, without consulting your prescribing physician, it could be deadly. It could have been deadly for me. I cannot say what caused me to sink as low as I did, and to let those closest to me know, that I was afraid that I might not pull through this time. I will say that it likely could have been My abruptly going off of my medication, combined with my chemical imbalances and mental disorders. At any rate, and without exception, please do not ever do as I do. Do not go off of your medication without consulting the person who put you on it. I made and error in judgement, that could have cost me my life. I am sorry and I did not do so consciously or on. purpose. Thank you Sigrid for bringing this to my attention so that I could be very clear about this. Do not ever go off of your prescribed medication without medical consult! Deal? Truly, please hear me and be more responsible than I have been in this regard, okay?

    I stepped into her world to save her from our world,

    For our world cut her you see.

    I crawled into her den to love her because I took her from her den mate.

    I licked and nursed her wounds. I held her in her pain. I woke with her in confusion.

    We tamed one another. We, entangled in the bear den, just to survive the night. We became one, baby bear and I.

    She, feral and untamed. Dreadlocks and fresh wounds. Distant and painful eyes, seeking my help.

    And I, with not one knowing of what to do…We, just baby bear and I, and Sam…I called Sam…we had to figure it out.

    In the car, she cried. I prayed and asked Sam to crawl back there with her while I drove us home. At home, we got her out together, into the night sky. We stood in the driveway and we cried. We had to pee and we did not. We went into the studio to wait for help.

    Feral and frightened and drowsy and confused…cut 12 inches wide open and closed with staples, the bear and I stood weary. We stood that way for a long time. Baby bear cried. Mom cried too. Mala wailed in anguish. I asked Alexa to go get Enya. We spent a LOT of time with Enya. Enya could not drown the cries of the baby bears. Enya could not soothe the broken hearts of babies separated from each other for the very first time. Yes, hearts broke in the studio that night and baby bear and I stood in the not knowing of what we had just entered into.

    The hours turned into daylight and the daylight turned to dark. Fourteen times, we saw that cycle, baby bear and I, from a box in the driveway that housed us and kept us warm and safe together. The studio disappeared and the forest was seen through the windows mostly. We saw the forest, through the trees, on daily visits to see Mala Bear and on potty breaks. We saw our friends sometimes. Mostly though, we saw each other. Momma Tamara was a constant companion in the baby bear den and we really missed her every time she had to go.

    I sit here now, in the baby bear den, without my baby bear…my new and dearest friend. I sit, not in my studio, for we left it as it was. We, baby bear and I, ran back to our own lives. We hurried to them because we missed them. We could breathe our own air again, and we could shit comfortably in our own toilets again. We could lie in our own beds tonight and we would be next to our true loves once more! Hallelujah!

    It was wonderful to be home! Fourteen days and fourteen nights without a girl, well, I was happy to be home! Our bed…you have no idea!!!! Hallelujah! Tamara and I did not share more than an hours or so drive from Santa Fe together, except in passing, for the last fourteen days.

    Mala cried and laid in wait for us to come out into the driveway. When Mala saw Nahko she cried and she shook and she broke. Every time we walked away, she broke again. To bear witness to this…to feel this…well, it changed me. It softened me. It broke me too. I shook too. I cried too. I only knew to do for Nahko, what I wish someone would have done for me when I hurt, when I was scared, when I was sad without my brother. I wanted comfort. I needed love. I needed touch. I did not get those things and so I don’t know if I did it right, I did my best, so I did it perfect, says Sam. Thank you Sam. I did those things I never got for Nahko. I loved her my very, very best. I slept in her bear den with her until she fell asleep. Sometimes I stayed after, just to watch her sleep. I fell in love with Nahko Bear and Nahko Bear with me. It felt nice to love so much.

    Nahko Bear and I loaded into the Jeep yesterday to go and see the vet. The vet says Nahko looks great! Her healing is amazing! Her staples were removed and she was released back into her life. I returned to mine.

    On my way out to a client, I stopped by to lie a moment with Nahko Bear, in she and Malas baby bear den, on my way out. I wanted to check her tummy and give her some love. I missed her already and I could feel she missed me too. We were like old friends, rolling around and laughing together. Mala Bear came to join and I was so happy! Together again, at last. And out of nowhere, Nahko went for Mala and Mala went back for Nahko and I laid in between and kicked them apart. I was stunned at first. I was still on the ground next to Nahko and she went to lick me. It was then that I realized that Nahko was protecting her new cub, as we had switched worlds now. Nahko protected me from her sissy. You cannot know what that is until you know what that is. What that is…that is heartbreak. Tamara has come running out and we separated them. We all came down a bit. I had to go to work. I returned. I fed them their dinners apart. Nahko followed me everywhere. Mala was so sad. I was so sad. I knew what I must do.

    As excited and honored as I am to have been accepted as a pack member, I am not. We are not members of their pack. We, if not checked, can fuck up the hierarchy of their pack. We must only ever be, the leader of our entire pack. We must not remain in the role of a pack member. I knew that in an instant and I cannot not know it now. For me to be so moved, to have been chosen, would destroy a sisters bond. I have become invisible for the sisters to repair themselves and to learn their new places. That shall be between Nahko and Mala. Tamara and I always lead the pack and must never be in the pack for too long. To be invited in and to have to leave…well it mixes honor and heartbreak. The deepest love and loss of that love, on a level that knows no words, that you will ever know, in the shortest amount of time. A beauty to behold and a heartbreaking you’ve not known, until you’ve known it. Even then, every break is a bit different.

    So, in the baby bear den, not yet returned studio, I fight back the tears this morning. Fuck it, I let the tears fall all over my screen this morning! For I miss my baby bear. The den is empty and I must be invisible for a while. My heart breaks down here this morning, as I pull back from one of the greatest loves that I have ever known, to allow the love that belongs, to be…between sissy and sissy, baby bear and baby bear. I am not a baby bear, although it sure was nice to be an honorary baby bear for fourteen days and fourteen nights, in the baby bear den I made for Nahko Bear, under my drafting table in the studio.

    Sometimes, when we love someone the very most, we must do the very hardest work of all. We must love them enough to take our hands off of them. We must let go and let them do their work. After finally being invited all the way in, we must quietly and gracefully bow out. As I do this this morning, my heart breaks and I ask you for your love and prayers for Tamara and I, as we do this dance again. This dance if getting so close and pulling back. Most of all though, please send all of your love and prayers to Nahko Bear and Mala Bear that as they return to their world and we return to ours, that they find their way peacefully back to each other. We love you baby bears! Welcome home Nahko Bear!

    Sharing the struggle…

    I have been so blessed to be down here with Nahko Bear. We have grown together. We have come to know one another deeply and profoundly. We have both learned a lot in our time here together. This morning we go to the vet for her re-check, so please say a little prayer for Nahko Bear today! Nahko has been such a good girl and we have really bonded down here. Naps in the baby bear den have been the highlight and being able to work on her incision 24/7 since she came home has been epic, in terms of her recovery. Mala Bear is going out of her mind without her sissy! Nahko and Tamara and Mala and I thank all of you for all of the love and prayers, as we feel you and appreciate you so much!

    I want to talk about you guys this morning. How are you? I haven’t heard from many of you and your absence is noticed. I’m sure many of you have not heard from me also. Being in the world is hard for me sometimes, and so I’m not out much unless I have to be. Does this happen to you too? You make it to work and you go places that feel cozy and safe and otherwise lockdown? I find that I do this more if I’m not feeling well or if I’m hurting. So, I’ve flown under the radar for a few years now. I notice that some of you do that too. I just want you to know that I see you. It’s a lonely place to be sometimes. I see you.

    I know that many of you are suffering and I want you to know that I’m sorry you don’t feel well. Being in such a state makes it very hard to find healing. I have been stuck in my suffering and so I have been stuck. Like quicksand at times…pulling me under unmercifully and without reprieve. I feel this in you too and I want you to know I see you.

    Many of you have lost someone. Some of you are losing someone right now. I see you and I feel you. There is no good way to let go. There are no right words. There just is. When I sat next to my Mom as she died, it just was. Afterwards it was so, so many things. As she peacefully slipped away though…it just was. We just were. She and I…in that moment…we just were and it just was. That just came to me, by the way…the peace of that moment. Every time I have been present when a heart stops beating, there has been peace in that single and solitary moment. The moments immediately following are utter chaos. The moment she went though…pure peace. 12:06pm was peacefully. Every moment since has been a living fucking hell for me…that moment of passing though, was the most peaceful I have ever known with her. The moment my mom just let it all go. Sixty six years and finally a last breath and a moments peace. I am blessed to have been there. My mom saved that for me and I am honored and blessed to have held her hand when she took her last breath. I am humble to have been with her when her heart stopped beating and she left this place. My mom carried me in and I carried my mom out. Anything either one of us may have missed along the way, and we both missed plenty….we shared our most sacred moments with one another in this lifetime. We were there for the comings and the goings. We held each other closest when it mattered the very most. I am finding peace in the things that have brought me the most pain and I am grateful. I miss my mom and I am glad that she is at peace. I miss my mom and I am happy to be finding my own peace in the loss of her.

    I know it is different for everyone and I know that losing those we love the most is never easy, no matter how evolved we think we are. In my life, there wasn’t really preparation for death. Death was scary and uncomfortable and something to be feared. Death was the end and something to avoid at all costs. I do not see death that way at all anymore. Death is not something to fear. Death is a welcome home. We love our whole lives just to die…and we live in fear. Why do we fear death so much? Death is the reprieve at the end of a life cycle that warrants rest. We finally get to rest. Why do we fear resting so much? Why are we so resistant to being dead when all we do is bitch about how much we hate our fucking lives? So puzzling to me…these things in my life that I have feared for always. Death is not to be feared. We will all be dead one day. No matter what God you do or do not believe in…we will all be dead someday. God. No God. Faith. No faith. Nothing changes dead for any of us. Dead may be your end and dead may be your beginning. Either way though…we live our whole lives to wind up dead. Not one of us, no matter what we have gained in life, dies with anything other than us. I think it’s pretty profound to think that we are all so different that we neglect to acknowledge that we are all exactly the same. Death will teach you that if your life failed to do so.

    When we die, people will gather ’round and be as they are. We will be dead and we won’t see how loved we really are. We will have lived our entire lives feeling alone, in the middle of love we never even knew existed. Death is not what gets us. We live our lives without really living at all…and then death comes for us. I think that’s something to avoid at all costs, don’t you think so? I mean to be so afraid of dying that you never even live your life. I believe that my mom was more afraid of living than she was of dying. I think a lot of us are like that. I’m just here to suggest that we give it a good honest try before we go…this living thing. Give it a try…living your life on your terms. What would that even look like for you? And not with reckless abandon…with loving intent, shall we all move forward, into our own lives.

    I want to share something with you. A personal battle that I found myself in and how I resolved it. I hope it helps you to know that you have more control over yourself and your life than you think you do. Her it goes. I have been on Trazadone since my mom got sick. It was prescribed to me to help me to sleep. I wasn’t remembering how I got to and from my parents house to my house. I was so fucking exhausted and grief-stricken, and my doctor put me on trazadone. Thank God! I have tried to come off of it a few times and every time I try to quit taking it, I cannot sleep. My doctors have kept me on, as I desperately need my sleep. When I came down here with Nahko, to live with her in the studio until she gets well, I went off of my trazadone. I will not lie, it has been hell. Apparently, I became dependent upon this drug to sleep at all and without it, well, I got no sleep at all, for days. It worked out okay though, Nahko needed me to be awake and ready to help her. I sweated and shook and shitted and felt like I was going to vomit. I felt like I was fucking dying. I hit a low, low, of the lowest lows in my depression. I tossed and I turned and I thanked God there was no clock to show me how excruciating slow this was going to go down. I had no idea that I was addicted and I had no fucking idea that “cold-turkey” detox from trazadone is not at all recommended, until after I quit that way. Here’s the thing though…it felt like poison to me. All of a sudden, my body said no…stop taking it…you don’t need it…you have to stop, and so I did. It has been fourteen nights without trazadone, fourteen slumber parties with Nahko Bear…and I am good! I have absolutely no pharmaceutical medication in my system. I beat an addiction that I didn’t even know I had. I sweated and shitted and urinated out what no longer serves me. This isn’t for everyone, and yet this is the only way I will ever be able to do me…the way it makes sense to me. I was talking to a friend who mentioned that she was struggling with sleeping pill addiction and it was then that I realized I may need to look at myself. I was right. Over the course of the past three years, I became dependent upon sleep medication, unbeknownst to even myself. Today, I am grateful for that conversation and for being able to set down what no longer serves me. Of all of the medication they prescribed for me, I am happy to report, that I no longer need any of it. Trazadone turns out to be an antidepressant, which I have never tolerated well, as so I suspect that some of my struggle with suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation, in addition to my CPTSD may be because I have been on an antidepressant all of this time. Off to therapy today to discuss all of this, as I really had no idea until I got deathly sick going off of it and started to research it that I was addicted to it, that I became aware of exactly what I was taking. Anyway, I thought I would throw this out there, just in case you find yourself in a similar situation. Who knew? I am so thankful that I have been able to overcome this and to detox from it without major fallout. I do not recommend ever doing this, especially without the guidance of your physician. I was already doing it before I realized that it could be dangerous. I’m done with it now and I am so thankful.

    Have a beautiful day everyone! Always know that you are stronger than you think you are. We all are stronger than we think we are.