Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

For those who wonder where I’ve been…here you go…

Good evening everyone! I am sorry I’ve been elsewhere so distant as of late. My life became unmanageable and I lost my way a bit. My depression sucked me in and had her way with me. Any of you who know depression know of what I am speaking. Depression is a relentless and unforgiving bitch and she often has no fucking mercy what so ever. In my experience of depression, I cease to exist almost entirely. I have been gone from you…this is true. I have been gone also from myself…this is true as well. The struggle is real and I am grateful to be here with you now, as I have greatly and deeply missed you.

I have found myself repeatedly on my knees…begging for grace and mercy…for strength and acceptance. I have landed in the loving rooms and arms of A.A. and I am so thankful! I have a beautiful sponsor, a twelve month chair commitment for the big book study and a 60 meetings in 90 days commitment…all for the small price saving my own soul. Alcohol kills my fucking soul. Alcohol will take me out if I partake of her again. The rooms of A.A. have always opened their arms wide for me and this time, this time…I believe this warm welcome may have just saved my life, as I…my brothers and sisters have lost my way. I lost my way to Coral and I lost my way to finding her and alcohol did not come for me, and I did not come for her…we just hung there in the balance, she and I. We just hung there in the darkness, bargaining with our own mortality to mother fucking take us already…yes, alcohol and I are raging and unhealthy lovers. I bid her ado almost six years ago and she did go. Alcohol did not come for me this time. No, this time alcohol sent her sisters…she sent the stinking thinking…the fuck its and the I don’t give a fucks…the depression and the rage. Alcohol sent her worthlessness, her unforgivingness and her self-loathing and she laid it on me like a mother fucking locomotive. I was buried deep and I did not give but one fuck. Thank God that I gave one fuck…because just that one fuck got me this far. Just that one fuck gave me enough breath and hope and love and self worth to get back into these rooms. With all of my heart, and buried completely under by the fuck its, I was given but one fuck to give and I am so, so thankful. By the grace of God, there go I….

Depression is a thief in the night and she turns the light to the staleness and darkness and hopelessness of eminent spiritual death. Depression robs sleep and reason and logic from you and then spits in your face when you stop giving even one fuck at all to try to save yourself from her. Medicated, depression leaves me absent and comatose…and in my case almost dead. My chemistry does not mix with antidepressants at all. Suicidal ideation becomes suicide attempts so real in my mind that I feel dead inside…and confusion…confusing fog and unrelenting anxiety…depression is an unforgiving and relentless bitch. Depression came for me and I could not escape her grasp. I have been way down deep in the depths of depression. My blog went silent because my words fell into the abyss of my depression. There literally are no words for some of the pain that came for me. A thief in the night and a bitch on wheels…raped and beaten and berated… and pillaged by my diseases and mental disorders…I almost didn’t make it to write this blog today. Depression hurts and mental illness is real. Alcoholism is a disease.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I also have quadruple diagnosis for C-PTSD. I am an incest survivor. I suffer from severe misophonia and I have severe and constant anxiety. I suffer from depression. I have never been enough and have very often been too much. My desire to get well is often overruled by my disease and my mental illness. Today though…today, I am here with you and I am so thankful for that. Truly…thank you for being here with me this evening. I love you.

Depression is real and depression does hurt. I only hope that being open about where I have been will help you to know the depths I have fallen into, the pain I have been in and the hope that I lost somewhere along the way. Depression is a bitch in wheels and she cares not for resistance…she cares not of borrowed time…depression sucked and engulfed me into the abyss that knew no bounds…not until the light entered the crack where my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. The light entered and I begin my ascension. Depression will not have me today. Not today satan…not today.

I was blessed with a beautiful weekend in Golden, Colorado with my beautiful girl. We saw Trevor Hall and Nahko and Medicine for the People at Red Rocks on Sunday.

I’ve taken all of that medicine and all of God’s glorious creation and I have wrapped myself up in it, covered myself in its goodness and it’s glory and mercy. I have allowed the acoustics of the most amazing Amphitheatre in the world to heal me, to transform and transcend me…to grow me and heal me and lift me back up…I will not die in this abyss. I will not succumb to my disease. I will not let my mental disorders the incest tattoo on my forehead keep me from forging on. I will not give up. I will not give in. As I begin to rise, I take you with me. Take my hand my brothers and sisters…now is our time and these are our days. We are here and we belong here. I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me so much too. Have a beautiful evening!

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Good morning. I’m sorry I’m so distant. The struggle is real and I am just finding my way through it. My life is in the serenity prayer and daily meetings as of late. I am blessed to have a sponsor and a meeting to chair to keep me coming back. The rooms are the most welcoming and inviting place for me to be right now, as my life has become unmanageable. The rooms are where I belong if I wish to stay out of the abyss that has taken me before, in times like these. The rooms are my safe zone and that is where you will find me until I’m strong enough to make it on my own.

I am so thankful, grateful and blessed to have my sobriety. Dry drinking though, has led me back to the meetings and the rooms and my tribe. Five and a half years sober and I got a desire chip yesterday, to remind me how fragile we all are…how fragile I am right now. Drinking is not the only danger in losing ones sobriety and ones self. For me, drinking does begin the downward spiral that I have fallen into so, so many times before. I know with all of my heart that I would not come out of it alive again.

I am so blessed with an amazing partner and so thankful for the gift of the rooms and my tribe. So thankful to my sponsor for swooping me up and taking me under her wing at this time. I struggle and yet I know how truly blessed I am. Thank you to each of you who carries me through. Thank you for your love me. I love you too.

I cannot explain the place I am in right now, other than to say again that the struggle is real. To each of you struggling, I love you. To each of you loving me through my struggle, thank you. Have a blessed and beautiful day today.

If you would like to, please pray with me this morning:

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

A Tamara update and a thank you for your love….

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I have really struggled to get here lately. Tamara has been my priority and we have been getting through it. The first photo is April 23rd and the second photo was taken yesterday. Tamara had skin cancer removed and 65 stitches to the face. There is nothing like cancer to stop your life in its tracks and to re-route you. Cancer took my Mom in 2015. Hearing the word cancer again with my girls name in the same sentence, has definitely rocked our fucking world. We thank each of you for your love and prayers. We appreciate you understanding our absence. The struggle has been real for sure lately. I’ve not said much, as this is Tamara’s journey. Tamara opened up a bit yesterday, and so I open up a bit today. We really have turned inward for this one. We really have grabbed hold of one another and held on tight through this storm. So, we are so thankful for all of you…loving us and praying for us and being here for us. Thank you.

Every reach has meant so much to us. Every call and text and visit has loved us through the hard stuff. Tamara is Santuario, and so without her, The Sanctuary just isn’t the same. As we all hold space here, Tamara’s absence is noticed. As we all do our best here, Tamara’s special touch is missing. As I look at all Tamara does, I am overwhelmed and I can only do what I can do. Everyone is happy, safe and well and holding space for Momma Tam.

My Mom found out she had cancer in the beginning of October and died on December 3, 2015. I had a complete hysterectomy a year ago, as to avoid cancer myself. Tamara having cancer has definitely rocked my world. Of all of the things I’ve lost in my life, Tamara is the one who stayed. Of all of those gone, my girl is still here. There are no words for how thankful I am to have Tamara in my life, as my partner and best friend and my soul mate. Thank each of you for loving my beautiful girl so, so much!

And so, the struggle has been real. My head has been to the ground. Depression has me by the balls that I don’t even fucking have. We have definitely been going through it. We have definitely hit a bottom here that we didn’t even know we had in us. We are so grateful to be seeing some light in this tunnel. They got the cancer and my girl is healing and we are so, so blessed! So to each of you, for all of your love, thank you and all of our love right back at you!

Have a beautiful day today and please send Tamara all of your love. We are back on Friday to her dermatologist for a couple of more spots on her face, and we ask for your love and prayers again. We ask you to lift us up and we pray that these are spots are benign and that they do not have to cut my girl anymore.

All of our love and thanks to each of you, for how you love us. Have a beautiful day!

Sunday morning thoughts…

Good morning and happy Sunday everyone. Thank you for all of the love and prayers. I feel you guys and I really do appreciate each of you. I really do just have my head down. I am pushing through some really hard stuff. I feel really wide open and the pain is relentless. So, if I have not called you or messaged you back…if I canceled last minute…I really am sorry. I am not in a good place and I am unable to juggle everything right now. If I have been a shitty friend, I really am sorry. I am finding that right now, I don’t have much to offer outside of myself and my household and my clients.

I am taking a couple of new clients. I have been debating for a while and I decided to open up a couple of studio sessions and to take a couple of more weekly client sessions also. I offer one hour sessions, two hour sessions and custom sessions, all geared toward healing and growing into healing space. All sessions will be billed and paid at the time of service. I accept cash, checks and pay pal. Please contact me at 505-269-9242 if you are interested in working with me. Spaces are limited and will booked on a first come, first serve basis. I know there are a few of you who have been waiting for this opportunity, so please hit me up!

Other than that, today I just want to be out in nature. I am drawn to the open space and the energy of the wide open right now. The solitude suits me and I pray for guidance, mercy, faith and humility, as I go about my day.

Memories flood me of past days out in the yard with my family. Digging in the dirt with Shawn and “working” so hard alongside my Dad. Now I just feel empty and hollow and broken, digging in the dirt all by myself. I cry a lot. I cry constantly and non-stop sometimes. I break a lot and flail a lot and sob a lot. I just could not possibly have imagined my life being so absent of the family that I held so close to me for so long. I don’t feel sorry for me. I just fucking hurt for me all of the fucking time lately. For those of you holding space for me, thank you. For all of the love and prayers for Tamara as she heals and finds her new normal, I appreciate you more than you know. The struggle has definitely been real for us and so we appreciate knowing that you’ve got us in your heart and your prayers. Thank you.

To anyone I have wronged, please know that I truly am sorry. I am learning that I’ve not always occurred the way that I thought I occurred. I am learning that I haven’t always been the best friend or girlfriend…the best employee, student or employer…the best sister or daughter or lover. I am flawed in ways that I was unaware. I am sorry if I hurt you in my absence of my own self. I am sorry if I disregarded you in my own pain. I’m sorry if I didn’t see you and hug you and hold you closer. My truth is that I really don’t know how. I am learning and teaching myself how to get what I need, which is how I learned I didn’t know what that was.

Love is abstract to many. To me, love is all there really is. All I’ve ever really wanted to be is love. Defining love though…well I am in the throes of doing that now. I am learning what love is to me and how to give and receive love. In not knowing love like I thought I did, I am humbled and on my knees a lot. I am in prayer and constant meditation as I learn what I want my love to look and feel like. I am learning by trial and error what I do not want my love to feel like. I am learning that sometimes when I thought I was loving that I wasn’t. Some of the people that I thought I was loving, I actually was not loving like a verb. I haven’t loved everyone the way I want to be loved. I haven’t treated everyone the way I want to be treated. I thought I had. I really thought I had done better than I had at loving. I really thought I had treated people better than I probably have. It saddens me to learn that I, the girl who wants to love so much and so deeply, is not a very good lover at all. I the friend that I would want to have…and maybe not so much. Maybe I’m just a friends friend. I have lacked vision to see where I have failed to be a friend to the friends of some of my friends. Knowing this, I will be better. Feeling this, I am pained. Getting this, I evolve a bit and I am grateful.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. I pray for you today, that you are able to find some love and healing in your life. I am headed out to get some love and healing of my own.

A post full of pain…asking for love and prayers

I began writing things that I need to get out of my headspace. I am all over the place and speaking of no one and of everyone all at once. I am being pointed and jagged, maybe a little bit, and yet not on purpose. Allow me to be clear by prefacing my writing by saying that this is my space and my healing. I come here solely for that purpose. If you think I am writing about you, who the fuck am I to say that I’m not? I mean it’s only my fucking blog, right? What in the fuck do I know? I only know that I created this space to heal and that is what I come here to do. I write as I see and feel my world in this moment and so be warned…I fucking hurt more than I have ever hurt before. My writing reflects that. More than my silence possibly could, my writing will tell you of darkness overtaking me again. I am the author and I write as things occur for me. I am doing so in this blog, as it is my blog and that is why I am here. Proceed with caution if you are looking to be hurt, offended, called out of implicated…because if that’s what you come looking for, you will most definitely find it. Not because I’m pointing my finger at anyone in particular…one plus one is still two though,isn’t it? And let’s just be honest, you’ll take what I write however the fuck you’re going to take it, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that. This all goes back to the universe, for the greater good of us all…I just have to get it out, or I’m simply not going to make it through it. Easy fucking peasy, unless you’re me and then, just so you know, it’s mother fucking hell. It has always mother fucking been hell. At home. At school. At work. Always fucking hell. I am doing my best to be better than I was and better than where I came from. Days like today though…Fuck me if I wouldn’t just rather mother fucking jump. And so I write…

I always tried to make your garden beautiful because I had no idea I had a garden of my own. I, always the Gardner and never the proprietor. I the sheep in wolves clothing…and now the wolf in sheep’s clothing. The turnabout…the fallout…the misfit in me that never really fits anywhere at all. The unwanted and merely tolerated and for no real reason at all really. To be so unwanted by so many…and to never know the how or why of it all. The narcissist in me knows that it couldn’t possibly be me and the truth…maybe the truth is different? Maybe, for always, it is my destiny, to actually belong nowhere and to no one at all. Maybe I will always be the second choice, at best…and more often than not, nobody’s choice at all. I have been this in hopes of one day, being more than this and yet, this is all I have ever been. I say this not for you to feel sorry. No sorries. These are the truths before me. The reality is clear and my hopes and expectations render me lifeless and paralyzed once again. My dreams of being someone’s one…in all of my want and longing…in all of my ego and disappointment of having never been that at all…I have selfishly wanted this for myself. I have wanted so badly, to be more to you than I am to you. It is wrong of me to have asked and begged this of you and I am sorry that I asked of you at all. For my asking was it’s own knowing that it did not come to you. My begging became louder, falling on deaf ears. My cries became deeper, as I allowed myself to believe that I knew not my own wants., my own needs and my desires.

My life has never, not for one breath, been easy. My getting here at all was labored and lacking breath. My being here seems to have labored everyone whom has crossed my path in any significant way at all. I have said a million times that I was not meant for this world. Worse than that, I was ridiculous and naive enough to believe, that this world actually needed me. I stand corrected, for this world needs me not. My destiny has been that I be reminded of this, time and time and time again…and to hope for more than this, time and time and time again, in vain. The idiocy of me is astounding…absolutely fucking astounding. I actually believe in the things that my heart knows to be true. I know, in spite of those who don’t know. I know because I feel what others cannot fathom. I have survived a million deaths and been slashed by billions of tongues. The worst and most mortal blows have always come from my inner sanctum. The most egregious harms have befallen me by my very own. My heart has been ripped from my very chest by those who fell asleep to its beating.

You know me not, for I know me not. I think myself to be more than I’ve shown myself to be. I am too fucking lost and shattered and broken to continue the facade of pretending to be otherwise. I am a million shards and disconnected from all I have ever known at all. I am no one, even and especially to myself.

To be discarded, one must taste the stench of the garbage pile. To be led to believe that you are, as you are not…well I would guess , that one must have some cracks and some scars and some open and bleeding wounds. I must not mistake you for myself, as I have so many times in the past done. I must not think that you meant not to toss me aside. I must not allow you the mercy of this being a convenient misunderstanding or an oversight. When I was at my lowest and my weakest, you discarded me. I am still at my weakest, as the light becomes clear and the darkness reveals our truths. You left before the darkness turned to dawn. Do You think that because you cannot see my light, that I do not know your darkness? You think me to be as stupid as you let me believe I was, don’t you?

I sit here lost and broken into a million bits. I write to make some sense, as there is so, so much pain. I am in so, so much pain. We must not write of these things, or speak of them aloud. Others must not know of our brokenness, or they will overcome us. We must not be ever overcome again.

To speak of the real things that have taken place, somehow renders me absent of reality at all. Struck down and slain by my own, and then turned into a place of being constantly inside out. Well it hardly seems fair or just.

Speaking my truth only to be met with the resistance of those who have no real truth of their own. To be dismissed and disregarded so easily by those who never even heard a word I said. The defensive army behind its aggressors are the same shade of weak and menacing, whispering quiet nothingness, that speak louder than the bombs they set off in others. Right before they slip away to ask the others what just happened…after igniting a fucking inferno underneath the masses, calling themselves a private and quiet person…a mother fucking tsunami of epic proportions erupts in splendor, right before my fucking eyes, at the dismantling one will do to another. Human beings do this. Human beings are the only animals who destroy their own kind for sport and amusement, all while spending their lives convincing other people that is not what they are doing. What in the actual fuck? And we call ourselves evolved? We are not even mother fucking civil!

I write and I see faces of those who think they got by me…those who convinced themselves that no one was looking, that I wouldn’t find out. What a glorious day it must have been, the first time you deceived me and were not caught…what a Segway into a lifetime of such deceptions to befall me, over and over and over again, at your hands.

Time seems to have stopped and is standing completely still for me right now. The pain is blasting me out of my own reality. I am partially paralyzed and utterly devastated. I am broken. I am not naive anymore and I don’t know what in the fuck to do with that knowing. I stay suspended in pain that knows no bounds and I wonder how long I will last. I argue your case for you, to myself, so I can endure that which you have inflicted upon me, even as you’ve convinced yourself that I don’t know. To be as naive and careless and carefree as you are…so frivolous and arrogant with my heart, with my being, that you never really considered me at all, did you?

Is this hurt or anger? Is this blame? For me…right now, it is all just fucking pain. And with all of the words in the world at my disposal, I’ve absolutely no words for what this is doing to me. I have no parameters or knowing of how far down I must go before I begin to rise. I only know that this water is mother fucking deep and I’ve been treading treacherous water for a while now. I am weary and weakening and I am sad. I am so, so sad today, that all I have been able to do is what I absolutely had to do and write. I’ve got nothing else…and everything else right now, coming down on top of me.

I am broken. I am so very, very broken. The most disappointing thing that has happened to me today so far, is that I woke up at all. Truly, I’ve not been so sad and so low and so helpless and hopeless for so long. This is way too familiar and I do not want to feel the way I’m feeling. My little heart is crushed and I just cannot find my way. I ask for your love and prayers as I attempt to pull myself out of an abyss that I would just as soon stay in. I ask for your love as I sit here unable to find any love at all for myself. The darkness surrounds me and I feel the tears welling up in my throat. I hurt. I hurt so fucking much.

I hope you find beauty in your day. I’m going to try to do the same. I love you.

Happy Mother’s Day eve…

Happy Saturday everyone! I am glad to be returning to this space a bit. My life has been a bit unmanageable and I have lost my way. Today I begin again. This morning I wake anew to begin a new day, in the light I want to stand in and share with all of you. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and so I wish all of you moms a happy Mother’s Day. For all of us with moms in heaven, I send you all of my love. Whether you couldn’t live with her or whether you can’t live without her, Mother’s Day is a rough day for some of us without moms. Moms are human beings, being human, just like the rest of us, with much higher expectations on them, just for being moms. As far as I am aware, moms don’t get a manual when we come into this world, so to each of you who gave it a go, all of my love. Holding dominion over these precious beings in Sanctuary poses some questions and lots of research and I cannot imagine trying to be a mom. Emotions and childhood trauma creep in and being in charge of their wellbeing becomes a lot some days. Worrying that I will do it wrong or miss someone…it’s a lot to remember and to process and to keep up with. So, thank you to all of the moms who take their parenting jobs more seriously than their salaried jobs…to all of the dads and moms who love and support them through the trials and errors and pains of parenting. I thank you for taking your role seriously and for parenting the children you brought here. I have mad respect for each of you for taking a step and filling a role that I never could. Happy Mother’s Day to my mom in heaven and to each of you who are moms down here. I have no idea how you do it and I thank you for doing it just the same. I hope your children do something amazing for you tomorrow!

As for Tamara and I…we have decided to lay low here with all of the motherless beings that live here with us in Sanctuary. No one here has their mom, not even us. We came in with her and then we have to learn to figure it out without her, just like they do. Ahimsa has been here a year…Hondo has been here for two years and is 26 years old. We are all someone and tomorrow will be what it will be for each of us. I don’t know if Ahimsa or Hondo miss their mom…I can’t tell if Brixen misses his mom or if Samuel pines after his mom…I know some days I sure do miss my mom. Some days, not so much…Mother’s Day though…almost every year she was here on earth, I was with her and every year since she has been gone, I have struggled without her. Our moms…we only ever get one…and on this day, I am thinking about my mom. I am thinking of all of my mom friends and I am loving the shit out of you ladies! Truly, I have your faces in my mind and I love and appreciate the work that you are doing and the love that you are teaching our children. Thank you for taking the time, and for assuming the risk and the liability and for having the heart to do what so many of could not do. Happy Mother’s Day eve ladies! I love you!

Tamara sees her doctor on Monday. I am so proud of her for getting through this so gracefully. Truly, take the word cancer, all by itself…just that all by itself…and add it to your face and then imagine five trips back under the knife to clear margins during MOHS procedure and then add 65 external sutures to close her up after reconstructive surgery…no lifting, bending and no increased blood pressure or emotional upset…no laughing or crying or emotion, for risk of permanent damage to her face …no exceptions. Oh, and if she does lift or bend, she could cause permanent nerve damage to the muscles in her face, which could be irreversible. Ya, I am fucking proud of this girl! I am honored to be her life partner and her best friend and her lover. I will ask again, for each of you to send her all of your love and healing energy…your hugs and your prayers…your smiles and your love…this has taken my girl further down than I have ever seen her and I ask you to lift her up with me. Depression is a relentless and needy and obsessive bitch and I ask you to invite her to leave with me, as she has served her purpose here. We are ready for some reprieve from her grasp and we are ready to laugh together again and to work together and to be together again. We want our lives back and so on this day, I invite our sadness and depression to leave us, that we may more effectively do our work in the world. And so it is.

Thank you for loving us through this. We have so many amazing things happening and we have had to place it all on hold while we navigate this. We have a lot to catch up on and I suck at social media, so we want you to know that we miss you. We know we are a bit absent right now and we want you to know that we are healing and will be back very soon! Thank you for holding space and for loving us like a verb during this time.

Have a blessed and beautiful day everyone. Thank you for loving us through this and for surrounding my beautiful girl in love and healing light. I love you!

Let us be the love today. I dare you!

Good morning everyone! Happy Friday! All of my love to all of us for getting through this work week!

It was nice to get out for a bit last night. It was nice to see some of the people I’ve not seen and to catch up and laugh with our friends. It was nice to support our friend and her amazing work in the world. We are so blessed and I am so thankful.

They found a deceased body down the road from us and I cannot stop thinking about it. Life is so fucking fragile and yet, we’ve so little regard for it. A dead body…someone’s someone is fucking dead. My heart fucking screams and cries out in anguish. Who in the fuck do we think we are and what in the fuck are we doing to one another? Dead and tortured and traumatized bodies…dumped out here in God’s country, like there’s really any hiding anything. Integrity is what we do when no one is looking and guess what? Someone is always looking. I hear people upset that our Alexa devices can be recording us and that our computer cameras and our phones are spyware. I do not doubt this at all and yet, I’ve really nothing to hide. Recording me could bore a poor soul to tears for sure. And yet, we fear these things because we think I and we feel that someone is watching us. Why in the fuck aren’t we watching us? Why aren’t we watching our mouths and our actions and our tempers? Why aren’t we living in integrity enough that it really wouldn’t fucking matter if someone is recording us or watching us? Integrity…it’s what we do when no one is looking. If we are always in integrity, we wouldn’t have to be so fucking paranoid, would we?

We have an illusion that we can hide from others and mostly we think we can hide from ourselves. We lie to others and to ourselves and we wonder why we cannot trust. We are not fucking trust worthy. Look at our world and how we operate. Look at the deception that we surround ourselves with and then tell me what Alexa could tell me about you. What goes on in your home that you don’t want others to know about? Therein lies your problem…not with Alexa or the person listening in. The issue lies in many places, doesn’t it? Privacy being violated and secrets violated. How does this happen? We need to know that it does happen and we need to act in accordance with our higher selves. Who are you when no one is looking? The truth is…that is who you really are. Do you like this person? Would you be seen in public with this person? I’m just sayin…we have to start being honest with ourselves. We have to stop thinking that we are actually hidden when we are hiding. If you wouldn’t say it to me, don’t say it at all. The things we say in the privacy of our own homes, to our partners…those things are out in the universe and they matter. Once the words leave your mouth, they are not sacred or private anymore…for you have shared them and the universe acts in accordance. Whether or not your partner violates your trust…well that is an entirely separate issue. I’m just pointing out the fact that we are spewing shit all over the place and then we wonder why we are covered in shit. Just something to ponder. If the Alexa in your house started talking to me…what would I learn about you?

We all have a choice to write our own stories. Let’s start writing some uplifting and inspiring stories. Let us lift each other up and love each other home. We must know that we are not so hidden and we are not so private, that our true colors won’t eventually run through. Be mindful. Be kind. Be love. We cannot afford anything less than all of our love.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. Let us be the love today! I dare you!

And I write….

Good morning. Happy Thursday. I have been very busy with Tamara being down and so I have missed you guys. I also just haven’t had it…words elude me and the ones that don’t aren’t worth putting out there, until I sort some stuff out.

I exist in a certain underlying sadness lately. The tears keep rising above the surface. I just fucking hurt. And deeply. I hurt so deeply as of late. I am blessed that I am physically able again, to throw myself into physical labor, for it calms my mind. My mind is my worst enemy and always a detriment to my sanity. My pain has accumulated in my mind and taken over parts of me…parts of me that I will get back eventually.

Depression feels to me like an abyss…dark and cold and black…endless and daunting and absolutely nothing at all. I have spent countless years in this place, not even knowing where the fuck I was. I have always written to help get this pain out. I’ve been unable to write as of late and it is showing in my depression. Writing and physical labor are my reprieve from debilitating depression. Depression also usually shows that my self-confidence and my heart have been hit and they both have been hit hard lately. My heart has not, not been hit, since my mom got sick. And I am the worst at not taking things personally. I am also a pussy…”Oh, I’m so sorry that you read my blog wrong…let me defend myself and explain…”better yet, let me not write at all, just in case you are still reading and offended at what you thought I meant. I have mother fucking lost myself in this abyss. I have resorted to defending myself and my actions and my words, to people who have walked away from me. I lost my way. I lost myself. I lost my fucking voice. I am sad that I did that and I’m glad that I see what I’ve done, so that I don’t do it again henceforth.

So…here is a reminder for us all, especially me…this is Corals blog and I come here to write and to heal. I come here to get it all out and to sort my life out. I come to this healing space, the healing room, to help to heal us all. I do not come here to harm others. I do not come here to gossip or talk shit. I come here to fucking heal. If you think I’m talking about you…maybe I am. Why would that be? Because you are someone whom I love and I’m sorting shit out. I use discretion and I have stood corrected a time or two. I’m good with that. I am not good with being called out using my words, after they have been twisted and mangled and pointed, and having them shoved down my fucking throat. I am also not good with being silent for so long because of it. I have learned in my silence that I will not remain silent…not about things that matter to me.

I have also learned that I will go to the ends of the earth for those that I do love. I have gone to the ends of the earth for people I don’t even know. I know who the fuck I am. I know why I’m here. I am here to love us home. My decisions may not please you and my words may offend you. My existence may annoy you and my opinions may not be your own. Isn’t that okay though? I mean, isn’t it okay to not be for everyone? I have always extended an open invitation to hear how you feel about me and I don’t hear my phone ringing. Not until someone reads something I wrote and starts a fucking panic about what they think I meant. And all of this before talking to me at all. I feel that to be a little unfair and I shut down over it. I put this out there…the most personal things in my life, to help us all to heal and somehow, it turns into a fucking shit show. I pull my blog from Facebook. I stop writing all together. I feel like giving up and pray that I don’t fucking wake up in the morning. I started to give up. I started to think that maybe you all really didn’t need me or my experiences or my words or my fucking love. Guess what though? I need me and my words and my experiences. I need to heal and I come here to do it. Everything that doesn’t serve my highest good…your highest good…I send back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I’m not here to harm anyone. I’m not here to be harmed anymore either. Many of you have left my life, for reasons unbeknownst to me. I do regret that you didn’t give me an opportunity to grow and yourself the opportunity to heal, by having a conversation with me. I also regret anyone I ever deprived of such a conversation. I regret denying closure to anyone, who may not have known why I left. Hell, maybe I don’t know why I left. At any rate, if I hurt you that way, or in any way, I really am sorry. A few names and faces come to mind and I’m sure there are others that I don’t recall or that I was not impacted by, as I impacted. I am sorry for the spaces that I left empty and for doors that I slammed shut…for bridges that I burned and fired that I started. Today though…I really am letting that all go. Today, I really am done editing myself and watching what I say and how I say it. My door is always open if you’ve something to say to me. As I have clearly seen…so is everyone else’s door, and I find that pretty unsettling. If you can’t or won’t say it to me, how about you not say it at all? I will offer you the same courtesy.

My life is simple. It has not always been simple. My life is simple now though. I have big work to do and I’ve no time to be defending myself or wandering off into this fucked up abyss, simply because you don’t love me. I wanted you to love me and I wanted you to be who I built you up to be. That is my fault. I put you on a pedestal and I had expectations and when they weren’t met and when you jumped off of the pedestal and slapped me across my face…it took me down. It took me so, so far down into the abyss. I ask why you didn’t love me as I loved you? I know now that you can only love me as you love me. In your way, as I love you in my way. That’s okay, isn’t it, to have our own ways to love?

There is one person in my life who has stood by me through the worst of my days…the deepest of my pain and the loss of my mother and my family. There is one person who never left me or gave up on me, who calls me her wife. There are others also. Today though, in this moment, I speak of my beautiful girl Tamara. Tamara never gave up on me and she never kicked me out or fucked around…she never betrayed my trust or my confidence. This girl held me together when I couldn’t hold myself together, loved me when I couldn’t love me …and always, always gave me a home to come home to. There is nothing that I can say to appreciate the love that Tamara has given me. There are no ends that I would not go, to love, honor and protect her in the same way that she has done for me. Tamara is my girl and my whole world and she may not be for you. And hey, that’s okay, because she’s for me. So, I’ve got her. I love her and I will not ever not love her. Tamara is down and with cancer and 65 stitches and reconstructive surgery to her face…she must be down. Tamara cannot lift or bend over or get her blood pressure up…and if that didn’t send her into the abyss, not being able to do Tamara certainly has done it. Tamara, my rock…the Sanctuary and the community’s rock is down and out. Tamara needs us now and I’m going to be here for her. I’m going to do my best and I’m going to give it all I’ve got until she is better. That is what you do when you love a girl…you fucking love her, like a verb, no matter what, forever and for always. Tamara, I love you and I’ve got you. Thank you for loving me and for getting me. For those that don’t get us, that’s okay finally. We’ve got each other and we are so fucking blessed.

To each and every single one of you who has reached out and showed up and loved us and prayed for us…thank you. Two girls got hit hard and we are laying low to lick our wounds, heal our hurts and our hearts and to lift each other up. We are on our way back and we thank you for your love, understanding and patience as we heal and recover during this difficult time.

All of the animals of Santuario de Karuna send you their love. I’m not as good at keeping up on social media as Tamara is with everyone. We lost Bashful unexpectedly last week and we just couldn’t even speak of it. I went out to tuck the chickens in and she was passed away. This blew me wide open, as I knew Tamara was going to break when I had to tell her. Tamara is a little broken right now and so I ask again for love and prayers. At the very least right now, if you can’t help us, please don’t harm us either.

I hope you have a beautiful day and I thank you for being here with me this morning. I have missed you. My heart has been broken and my time had been occupied. My focus has turned to my girl and to our world and our healing. I thank you for understanding. I love you.

What would Jesus do on Easter Sunday?

Good morning everyone. Happy Easter. Easter was a super important day in our family growing up. Church and Easter brunch…gathering with friends, the Easter bunny and hiding and finding eggs for hours. The resurrection and the meaning of this day. For me now, Easter is different. Easter, like other holidays is another day. We don’t eat or color eggs because they are not ours. We aren’t up before the crack of dawn to get to sunrise service. We do not gather the congregation and dig a hole in the ground and roast a pig that was alive a couple of days ago, to celebrate the resurrection of Christ. No, Easter is different for me now. My life is different for me now. Bunnies and baby chicks and pigs are not exploited for me to celebrate my beliefs. My beliefs have never made me a better person. My actions have made me a hypocrite to some and a saint to others, at times. At the end of this day though, just like any other day, Easter is in our hearts. God doesn’t give a fuck that you show up to church on Easter Sunday when you go virtually Godless for the rest of the year. God doesn’t care about the cross you carry today, he wants to know what you did with the cross you were crawling upon when you got distracted by that ego of yours again. Easter Sunday is yet another opportunity for us to realize that we are all walking each other home. We miss that, don’t we? I find it a difficult imagine to conjure up…Jesus picking out the perfect pig to slaughter, gathering up the rabbits and baby chicks and wishing them all a happy Easter before he wacks their fucking heads off…as he moseys up to the cross to meet his fate, so that we may all be forgiven. I’m just saying…parts of the story have a nice ring to them and parts of the Easter story are fucking horrifying. Our spirituality is like that, isn’t it? Some of it…we have nailed down and know it backwards and forward and inside out and upside down…and some of it, well it’s not even a fable…it’s fucking utter bullshit. Our own bullshit, that we cannot even sell in a nice little Easter Basket on Easter Sunday. God is in the details. God is in you. You are God. We are not separate from all of this. We are not outside of our spirituality looking in. We are out spirituality. We are our God and we show others who God is through us. Easter Sunday, all dressed up and looking dapper as hell…don’t forget who you are. Don’t forget why you are here. Don’t throw Jesus back up on that cross for your sins…how about you atone and stop fucking sinning? How about you look deeply into that mirror and ask yourself what Jesus would do. What would Jesus do? What would Jesus be doing on Easter Sunday? I mean if that matters to you…what would your homeboy, Jesus, be doing on this sacred and holy day? How about today, you go out there and do and be that…be who Jesus would be today. Do you think that Jesus would be slaughtering baby lambs for Easter dinner? Or roasting pigs in the ground? Do you think Jesus runs around gathering ovulations from chickens cloacas, to color and hide for the children to find? Do you think that Jesus has an Easter basket and eats peeps and chocolate bunnies? Does Jesus walk amongst a sea of white crosses and see his cross any differently than our crosses? Today and every day…what does your Jesus do that you want to model in your own life? What would Jesus be doing on this Easter Sunday? Let us all go out today and do that, shall we?

We have these sayings and we have these memes….we have these notions and ideas of things. We have these picture perfect pictures…pictures that we aren’t even in. Pictures that we don’t even recognize. The last supper…the twelve disciples…Jesus and his apostles…doubting Thomas and the Virgin Mary…Zachary and Zacheaus…This little light of mine and the church and the steeple…where are we in all of this? Who are we in this picture of divinity? We worship things outside of ourself and we wonder why we are not whole. We cannot and do not buy in to things that we are not a part of. So, I’m just curious…on Easter Sunday, does your worship include you? Does your story of Jesus have you in it? May I say that if not, you might want to take a look at that? In order to express your own dharma and your own divinity, you need to realize that your story, not Jesus’ story is why you are here. You have to jump up in that picture and you have to be the star of your own life. Jesus was the star of his life. He set an example for us to follow, to improve upon…to model…he never came here to make you invisible and unaccountable to your own self and those you claim to love, as you hide behind him and all of his glory. We all have our own cross to bear. We all have our own trials and tribulations. We all need some direction and some assistance sometimes. What would Jesus really be doing on Easter Sunday? How about we all go out today and do that? Just a suggestion…let us be like Jesus today. Being like Jesus will mean a different thing to each of us…as this is a personal journey for each of us. I would say that Jesus is a good start though…someone to model ourselves afterwouldn’t you? Like Buddha, And the thousand other names for God…let us not forget that we are our own divinity. We are the God within us. Let us not forget that when we go out I to the world today, okay? What would Jesus be doing on Easter Sunday?

Happy Sunday. Happy Easter. Whoever you are and however you celebrateremember that we are all in this together, walking each other home…Jesus knew this. Today, let us be reminded of it as well…we are here to love each other home. Our resurrection will be the day we realize that and begin to live accordingly. Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

My life either needs to end or my life needs to begin…

Happy Saturday everyone! I am so glad you’re here! I am struggling to be here and so I apologize in advance. I come this morning to shift my thinking and my attitude, that I spend my life in gratitude and in the present moment. I have done all I can do with what is behind me. I have tried my best and I know that everyone else tried their best too. When our best doesn’t feel good enough, it is a good time to remind ourselves that giving it all we’ve got is really all we’ve got to give. If that’s not enough…your best, my best, maybe we’ve just been giving our all, to the wrong people. Time to re-evaluate and to turn inward…the time is now to walk away from what does not serve our highest good. We have the right to leave. Especially when staying is only killing our soul and delaying the inevitable anyway.

On my long drive yesterday, I finally let it all go. I know things I wish I could not know. I feel things that have rendered me forever changed. I hurt in ways that most people will never know or imagine. I have endured betrayal so vile and destructive that I almost took my own life because of it. I am thankful to know the things I’ve come to know and I am also fractured because of this knowing. I am healing and broken in this knowing and I have no other way to be.

People tend to rip these wounds wide open a lot. With gaping wounds and salt in hand, people have taken advantage of my disposition. Words and ill intentions…judgement and ridicule abound, and I simply let it all trail off behind me yesterday on that freeway. I simply let it all go. Places and people and names and remembrances…judgement and regrets…fears and vendettas…I just let it all fade away behind me. It’s not gone and yet it’s not right here, debilitating me this morning. The nothingness of it all is unfamiliar to me. Most welcome, this nothingness. Thank you for the nothing that replaces my past, and locks it safely away, until a lesson is needed from the archives.

We all have our own vaults, where we archive our lives. My vault has been cleared out and condensed down. There is nothing here that I need to take with me now. The pictures I choose are in my mind and etched into my heart. The cards and letters…the memories I held on to, they shall be returned to the universe by fire. I take nothing forward with me from this era of my life. I leave it behind, where it belongs. I detach it’s hold on me and all of its power. I throw sage upon the flames and as I turn to leave, I throw you right up on top, to be returned and cleansed and healed. All of the love I have left for you…I throw that up there too, as I don’t carry it anymore. I will never deny it. I will not speak of it again though. I will not lay my eyes upon you or speak of you again. Our business is complete here and I bid you farewell. May God bless you and keep you. May he shine his face down upon you and offer you peace.

Yesterday I acted out a conscious decision to detach from the people in my life who have hurt me and harmed me…raped me and brutalized me…mocked and berated…hated and plotted against me. I spoke their names and I sent each of them on their way, cleansed and forgiven, free to be. I’ve no need to hold these things any longer. I’ve no place for this pain. I’ve no desire for relationship or closure with these individuals. I cut any cords that bind us and I release us from one another. Your energy holds no power here any longer, nor mine over you. We are free to be free from one another. And so it is.

I realized that my life either needs to end or my life needs to begin. The space in between has been excruciating and so I step out. I take my first step into my new life this morning, the life that I am here to live. My legs are shaky and my heart breaks a little, as I feel that you are really gone. Thank you for going. Thank you for finally letting me go. My life cannot be lived, it will only ever be painful, as long as you are in it. So, thank you for going and leaving me to people who want to love me. You are free to go. You and I are done here. Be well.

This concludes this morning’s blog and any relationship in my life that has caused me more sorrow than joy, more pain than happy and more betrayal than loyalty. I bid you all farewell. I wish you well. I am making room for those of you who actually want to be here. And so it is.