Good morning everyone! I love you! I really do love you! For each of you who sees me, I thank you. For every reach, text, call…for all of the prayers and your amazing love, I am so grateful!
I have been missing from me for so long…for so, so long. I have lost my way. I have fallen and although I have gotten back up, I am still unsteady. I am sober and yet my mind and my thinking are not always so. I am done slaying the same fucking demons…my own demons…the ones that just will not fucking quit. I teeter on the edge….I really fucking do sometimes. I am a few steps back from that edge now and everything I do and all that I am is dedicated to staying back…way the fuck back, from the edge that beckons and calls me to come closer, with no way in or out when the darkness consumes me. With a moments clarity in the disaster, I have been in constant prayer and meditation, that my demons set me free. I set them down and they chase after me and I grow weary and I fall prey…they drag me back across the threshold of today; to yesterday. My presence slips away and I am way back there again, weeping at what I cannot wrap my mind around…stuck in an abyss that knows no end. Sometimes, for days, for weeks, months and years, 45 years, to be more exact, I have been in and out of this abyss. On this day though, I am fighting the good fight! On this day, unsteady as I go, I am fucking going! Holding back the tears that have had time enough to sink my eyes and distort and age my face, as I say another prayer.
I have been gone from home for the last week. Driving home this morning, hearing Tamara’s voice in surround sound through my speakers, I could not help but smile. I turned Pink all the way up and I sang along to a song I could have written myself…”What About Us”….my little big brother sent this to me last night because he heard it and thought of me. Thank you brother. I hear me in this too. Thank you for seeing me, like a verb. I love you!
I had a slumber party with a dear friend last night and coffee on the couch before I headed home to my girl and our family and our home. I have the dearest friends and I am so blessed…so truly, truly blessed.
So, when I forget to remember how good I really have it, I thank each of you for reminding me. When I cannot speak or reach for you, thank you for reaching for me and for loving me anyway. When I spin and cannot stop, thank you for being a soft landing while I orient myself to gravity once again. When I cannot see my beauty or my worth, thank you for reminding me and for telling me how much you love me. I save all of your texts and emails and I hold them forever in my heart, as your love sustains me when I just. cannot. I feel your love and it keeps me going and I thank you.
Tamara, I had to put most of yours in a card 😘 Thank you, with all that I am for loving me through all of this. Thank you for keeping me safe and for loving me no matter what, for never throwing me away and for being the one for me, for always, in all ways. I love you and I thank you for loving me so, so much.
And, it is now afternoon, and I am off to go and see my beautiful girl. Settled in and slipping into snow gear, we are off to the beauty all around us, as we make our way through the snow to those we love the most. Happy Tuesday everyone! I love you!