Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Happy Birthday to someone who means the world to me!

I took this reading from our morning devotion with Rumi…Happy Birthday to our friend today!!!

Good morning everyone! Today is the birthday of someone very special to me. Birthdays don’t give us a lot of information about someone…other than…For all of these years, no matter who or what or where or why…they stuck around. That is a lot to celebrate, don’t you think? That is a lot of information…just seeing them on their born day…they fucking made it around the sun again! We see people so superficially sometimes. Today, on my friends birthday though, I started thinking about spending my birthday with her a few years ago. We were on our amazing road trip together. I flew out so that we could bring her back to NM. I was escaping my birthday because I missed my mom unbearably, and she was returning home. We had an amazing road trip. I fact, we call it that…our amazing road trip. Well, today is her birthday and I am so grateful that I will be spending today with her!

Life goes on, doesn’t it? I mean Birthdays kind of slow is down and remind us to contact the people we care about. For many of us, the other 364 days kind of slip by in between. We forget how much we love each other. We forget how much we miss each other. So, I and thankful for the reminder to love and celebrate my friend today.

Absence often does make the heart grow fonder. I had a falling out with my friend a couple of years ago. We actually fell out of each other’s lives completely. We disagreed. We misunderstood. I’m sure I showed my ass. We walked away. I missed her so fucking much. The sadness and the void that was left without her, was not worth whatever it was that caused the fallout. We sure did fall out though. I felt like I fell and I was bruised and I was sad a lot without her. I knew and she knew it was done though. We both let it be done. Letting it be done has been not only been the only thing we could do…it has also made my heart fonder of my friend.

I received a text from her a week or so ago. It was like Christmas and I was elated. We had lunch last week and it was like old times, only better. We laughed so much and so hard. I don’t remember laughing like this since I last laughed with her. We text ridiculousness and I 😂 😆 😝 laugh my ass off. Happy Birthday my friend! I have missed you and I am so glad we are back!

I have set up a special reservation in Texas, under a windmill, with a giant cross right in front of the fucking window, at Waffle House, just for you, my friend, in honor of your born day!!!!! Happy Birthday! I love you my friend! I will see you soon!

Please say it with me….”Happy Birthday!!!!”

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

The Lame Goat-Rumi

The Lame Goat-Rumi

You have seen a herd of goats

going down to the water.

The lame and dreamy goat

brings up the rear.

There are worried faces about that one,

but now they are laughing,

because look, as they return,

that one is leading.

There are many different ways of knowing.

The lame goat’s kind is a branch

that traces back to the roots of presence.

Learn from the lame goat,

and lead the herd home.

Good morning everyone! I begin every day with Rumi. Today’s message really speaks to me and so I wanted to pass it on to you. I was introduced to Rumi a number of years ago. I could not have known then, the role that my brother Rumi would have in walking me home. Thank you Rumi for your wisdom and guidance. These years with you, I have read your words and they were jumbled in my mind. I know now to always read you with my heart, so that the words will always make sense. Thank you Brother for your love. Thank you for showing me my love. I love you Rumi.

The Lame Goat captures my heart this morning and I think of Basil. We have five goats and Basil is often ostracized and picked on by the others. When Basil was a baby, Kale kept fucking with him. I finally went out there and rolled Kale to give Basil some reprieve. Kale rolled my ass but good and Basil stood by watching. I rolled Kale. Kale rolled me. Covered in goat shit and dirt and no worse for the wear, I held my own pretty well I would say. Coral did not win that fight. No, no she did not. Here’s the thing though, I went into the ring to defend my little friend Basil. Kale still thinks I’m fucking crazy. Maybe so. You will always find me sticking up for the lame goat, for I am the lame goat.

I march to my own beat and I dance to my own drum. I see the world my way. I am a child in an older adult body. I am the Lame Goat. Meandering aimlessly along, a good distance behind the others, where the world makes sense to me. All of my life, this has been my ritual and my way. Unbeknownst even to me until now…this question of who I am. It is beginning to make sense to me now, as you all return, I will be here to lead you home, for I am the Lame Goat.

Have a beautiful Friday. I love you and hope you feel it! Today as you are out in your herd, maybe you could slow down, look back, and give the Lame Goat some love, for some day he will be leading you home.

“There is No One Else” a poem by Coral

Happy Monday morning everyone! I am watching the sun rise and I am so glad to be here with you! Truly, I have been teetering on the edge for a while now. It is so fucking nice to be back!!!!!

And so I write with my brother Rumi and Mother Maryam this morning. My first poetry in a very long time, so be kind! I love you!

“There Is No One Else”

There came a space that lent no mercy, over a sea of salty tears. A ledge that ran out in a tsunami of my fears.

To and fro and past my limit, before crashing down into the great abyss that knew no bounds. I have come to let you that I met my end and my maker. And I have returned to you now.

My heart is pure. The darkness fades to light and I am in gratitude and thanksgiving. My love told me a million times that life is for the living.

The balance has returned and I have found my center once again. My walk through my own personal hell was made tolerable with the love of you, my friends.

For all that caused me to feel so lost, I gave it all to find myself. I was reminded once again that there is no one else.

We come in alone and we leave alone when our time comes. This walk is only ever been, to remind us that we are one.

My fears and my transgressions and my unknowing of myself; only to learn once again that there was never anyone else.

The reminder of loves mercy, when I finally set it all down. I couldn’t see clearly to save my own life, what I see so clearly now.

The oneness that felt more like aloneness had been a Segway to myself. I stand here to remind you that there is no one else. There has never been anyone else.

Our choices are but two, as they have always been. You choose love or you choose fear. Either way, you win.

For fear teaches us the lessons that blessings alone cannot reveal. Fear brings us back to love, and it always will.

As long as we are open and as long as we stay true, fear will bring us back to the greatest love we never; always, only ever really knew.

As we flail in competition and as we fight to stay afloat, I simply came to remind us all that we are rowing our own boat.

We compete, only ever with ourselves. The battles and the demons, they were never those of someone else.

The darkness and the light; the shadows and the cracks that rage inside. We must remember that these are only ever, the turbulence of our own tides.

I forgot in all of my self-inflicted fury, that I could simply set it down. I flailed and suffered horribly, until exhaustion finally threw me facedown to the ground.

So, I came here this morning to remind us once again, there are truly no others. We may begin again.

Set it down. Turn it over. Lift it up and set it free. Give yourself your glory, for God you are indeed.

If it serves you, keep it and if it doesn’t, let it go. If it sets your soul on fire, then I don’t need to tell you what you already know.

If it poisons you and makes you sick inside and you think the outside world can’t see; I am here to remind you, that you, simply reflect me.

Your demons are my own and I love you just the same. You and I are kindred spirits. We hover as moths over the very same flame.

Dial it down and breathe it out. Take a moment and give thanks. Remember once again that it’s all in what you think.

You are divine. You are radiant and glowing. Whether you know it yet or not, your cup is overflowing.

There is only ever you to blame and only ever you to thank. For, how you perceive your world and your surroundings is the gas you put in your own tank.

I love you. Have a beautiful day!

I found the remedy for my pain!

Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I had a rough night, full of nightmares and dreams of vomiting and running and vomiting repeatedly. The tears started as soon as I opened my eyes and I said hell to the fucking no! I am not letting this pain hijack me again today! I jumped into action this morning, with my new remedy for this pain. I know I have to change the way I am looking at things and so when I feel like this, I have committed to being of service in some way, to take me out of me. I will not be controlled by my fear and my pain, at least not today! I know the remedy for my pain is to be of service, to love and help others…to be love…to hug and smile and laugh and to share myself with you!

I came down to the studio to blog and to meditate. Somehow, I needed to do more. I received and email from Propeller yesterday and I finally opened it this morning, inviting me to volunteer on Andrew McMahons tour. Andrew founded the Dear Jack foundation to help young adults diagnosed with cancer. I disregarded it a few times and something kept pulling me back. I listened and I opened it and I applied to volunteer at his event in Aspen Colorado on March 10, 2018, for his Upside Down Flowers Tour. I always find myself wanting to do things like this and I rarely make the time. We make time for what is important. Loving and being of service and healing…those are all top priority for me right now. I am going to make the time, even though I could give myself a dozen excuses not to. I am important. You are important. Being of service to one another is why we are here. We must truly look at what is important to us and at what drives and heals and propels us, and we must take action.

My Mom died unexpectedly and very quickly of cancer, on December 3, 2015. I have not been okay since. My life literally went offline to a large degree, and has been such since. Countless hours at the cemetery and billions upon billions of tears. So, so much loss. So, so much unrecognized and unhealed pain. I have shaved my head for many, many years for people with cancer. My mom insisted that I not shave for her and I honored her wishes and did not shave while she was living. After my Mom passed away, I shaved my head for her and for so many of you with cancer,and I had “FUCK CANCER” tattooed across the back of my head. Presently I am shaving for 5 people in my life with cancer, and for everyone battling cancer. I shave every couple of days and I shave in silence, solidarity, prayer and reflection. I will never not shave my head, to give Sampson’s strength to those of you fighting this battle. Please know how much I love you and that I am with you always, loving you and cheering you on. When your time comes, I will be with you still, to carry you home. I will always be with you.

The past two weeks hit me even harder than my moms cancer hit me and I have not been okay at all. I have known not what to do. I have been a constant companion of Wayne Dyer and Nahko and SOJA and Rumi. I have been in silence and in prayer, wailing on my knees and inconsolable. Yesterday, with all of my might and with everything in me, I promised me to pull me out of this before it destroys me. I know I came here to love and to teach love, to be of service and inspiration. And so it is.

This morning I made the same choice again. One minute at a time for me right now, with one foot in front of the other, I cross the threshold into me…I am here to find me! I hope you will come along. I’m so glad you are still here. I fucking love you! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for how you all love me. Have a beautiful day everyone! Go out today and be an instrument of thy peace. Be someone’s reason to smile. Be that hug that you give away because you know you need one too.

Let’s light it up!

Good morning everyone and happy Saturday! Thank you to everyone who began following my blog yesterday. I feel much better pulling it from Facebook, as I am a little overwhelmed by all of the negativity and hate as of late. I was starting to absorb all of that shit and I was becoming reactive and intolerant myself. I apologize for that and I think pulling myself out of it a bit will help. I am so glad you are here! I really am. We try to find some solace here, don’t we? Some peace and some love…somewhere to belong and someplace we can all come anytime we like. This healing room is ours and we can be ourselves here. Thank you for being here with me this morning! I love you!

When I am facing my most difficult challenges, my most personal challenges…I tend not to write about them right away. I am in such a situation right now. I ask for your love and your prayers that I may hold my tongue and make sure that when I do speak that my words pass all three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

And so I pray…please pray with me if you are so inclined:

Dear God and brother Rumi, this morning I pray for peace and surrender in my heart for that which has come to be and for all that will come to be. I pray that I may hold loving space and that I honor the highest good of everyone involved, including myself. I pray for peace. I pray for acceptance enough to let go of expectations. I pray for peace. I pray that I may be love and be loved. I release my need to be right. As Tamara says, being right makes someone you love wrong. Please shower me with your grace and mercy that I may just be. Lord hear my prayer. And so it is. Amen.

Thank you. I am trying not to try so hard to sort it all out. The struggle is real though and I am in my fucking head a lot more than I wish to be. Always in my head. Always in my past and in my future and wanting to be right here, right now. I know the spinning starts in my head and not in my heart. PTSD is just my mind fucking with me over and over and over again. The severity of the attack is like the volume control button and sometimes, I blow my fucking speakers, before I can begin to dial it down. The spinning is nauseating…truly sickening and I cannot steady myself. The double-headed serpent is a mother fucking bitch to walk around with. Clashing and thrashing and gnashing and clawing in fight or flight, until complete exhaustion drops me to my knees again. And so I begin to pray again. The struggle is real.

Let’s talk about you though, shall we? How are you? I know that many of you are struggling too. The darkness is heavy around us, isn’t it? We are in uncharted territory and in unsure times. We are running scared and spinning out, aren’t we? We all have PTSD of our own, in my opinion. The severity ranges and The diagnoses vary. The causes are a sea of many horrors that we have trouble treading water in, no matter who we are. We all go somewhere and can’t find our way back sometimes. We all shut out that which we cannot hear or see or know, until we make a choice to see and to hear and to know something different. We are not locked out my friends. We are locked inside. The door opens only from the inside. We are held captive in our own prisons, at our own hands, and we have the fucking key. Only we have the key to truly get ourselves out. Only we, when we are ready, will be able to free us from the bondage of our pasts. I have heard this and I have known this to be true. This morning though, I am going to open that fucking door and get the fuck up out of here! Prison break! Do you want to join me? We could devise a plan…”the best laid plans of mice and men”…nah. We could….how about we just fucking do it? Who is with me? Let’s just grab hold of that knob and let us open the doors that imprison us. You will notice that the knob does not even have a keyhole in many cases. In other cases, you will see that the key in your hand fits right into the keyhole, that unlocks your door. We are held captive by ourselves…by our own minds. We must change the way we look at things and the things we look at will begin to change. Just ask Dr. Wayne Dyer. God rest his beautiful soul! Hi Wayne! I love you!

The door opens only ever form the inside. This news is not news at all. It is old news and we already know it. We have always known it and yet we have never known it at all. Today, let us learn, for the first time, that we are in control of nothing, that our doors are not locked and that we are not defeated. In this darkness that overtakes us, we are the light. Put your hand on your heart and feel it beating. You are the light. We must stop searching for light and love and healing outside of ourselves. We are the light. We are love. We are capable of much of our own healing. We must open the door and we must cross the threshold into the unknown, so that we will know the light. Light that we haven’t found in our darkness is on the other side of the door that holds us captive in the dark. We have become accustomed to the illusion of safety in the dark. We are where the light enters us. We are the light. We hold the key. Isn’t this wonderful news! We are the light!

Many of us, myself included, have lost our way. Many of us have been stuck and paralyzed by the horrors of our past. This morning, with my hand on the knob, and my heart throbbing out of my chest in anticipation, open the door from the inside. Thank you Rumi for the inspiration and words for this post. My brother you lit me up! Thank you. I carry the torch and I’m coming around for you. If your torch needs some help to reignite your flame, just place it outstretched before you and I will be by to light you up!

A hug from a year ago…a smile from yesterday…love from my girl this morning…setting down my expectations…feeling myself softening…opening…growing, ebbing and flowing…loving you so fucking much…this is my good morning. This is our good morning. We don’t need to make a list, we just need to fucking do it. So torches out everyone, let’s go ignite our world with love and light and peace this morning! Be the change. Be the love. That’s where I’m off to this morning! Will you join me? Let’s light it up, shall we?

The darkness in our lives will persist until we accept that we are the light. As long as we wait for someone else to do it, it will never get done. We are here to love each other home. Let’s get loving!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Good morning from the healing room! I will meeting you in Rumi’s field….

 

98999F5E-8ABF-4B04-9CF8-BE540ADD8F92.jpegGood morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I hope your day is off to a great start already. I am feeling better every day and excited to be able to ease back into my life slowly over the next four weeks.

Welcome to our healing room! I hope you’ve got your coffee ready, because we’ve got some good stuff this morning!

Given my level of anxiety around my life’s recent events and my emotions running high, I have struggled. Yesterday that struggle became too much and I reached out, in several areas of my life for some help. I knew I was overwhelmed and unable to gain traction and momentum again. I was at a seemingly unrecoverable low.

I reached first to Tamara. Seeing me struggle so has been so hard for us both. We agreed that I needed to use my therapy time yesterday to ask for some help, and so I did. I reached out to get some answers and they are coming. I will update more thoroughly later, as I know more. For now though, I am content in the knowing that I am okay. Everything I have seen on my results so far has not been cancer! For me, that’s really a lot of the fear piece, after my Mom died so unexpectedly and suddenly from cancer.  So many people that I know and love have battled, in one way or another, cancer. I am much relieved to have not heard the word cancer in anything so far, from any of my test results, and I am so thankful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

What do we do when something is scary for us? How do we walk through our fears, without escalating to them and with them? How do we hold our fear in reverence and regard, to make it manageable again? How the fuck, so we adult when our inner two year old is coming out screaming and crying and completely broken? How do we help the world to help us, when we cannot find a way to help ourselves?

Todays blog is about how do we help ourselves, so that we can heal ourselves? We must, you know? We must all do our due diligence to begin to wrestle our own fears. We must begin to slay our own demons. We must fight these little fights within us and start putting out the tiny fires all around us. To be the change, the change that people can really count on, we must change ourselves inside out, and we must change us first.

In doing my own self inventory, it has become abundantly clear, that change begins with me. I believe that my Psyche is just as fractured as my body. My body is healing nicely, and I am so grateful. My psyche is cracked as fuck and just look at all if the places the light has to enter me! Rumi says this, so eloquently: “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” I fucking love Rumi! Anyone else? Rumi was gifted to me many years ago. The gift of Rumi has been one of my most cherished gifts, as Rumi’s words always ignite my soul.

My favorite Rumi quote is;

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.”

This quote, for me, has always said that no matter how bad is has been, how far away it is…whatever and whoever is is…there is a field, and when we meet again in that field, and I will meet you there. When we meet in that field, the right and the wrongs, all of the fuck ups and wrong words, they won’t matter anymore. In this field, where we come back together, after journeying separately, we will all be home! Did I say that I fucking love Rumi? My book of Rumi, a Birthday gift from someone I hope to meet in that very field someday, reminds me of what I believe to my core and what Ram Dass so eloquently says when he reminds us that we are all just walking each other home.

Rumi says, “the door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep.” Don’t go back to sleep. Waking up is hard work. Waking up is lots of things…and different and personal to each of us…don’t go back to sleep you guys! Don’t go back to sleep!

As I begin to awaken, I cannot help but see how asleep I have been. I cannot help but knowing that I have not been resting well, and yet, I have been sleeping…I have had my eyes open, and yet I assure you, I have not been completely awake.

As I awaken to a world…as I awaken a world…as I open, I invite you to join me. We are here, coffee in hand, and we have work to do. We are here, hand in hand and we must stick together. This is not red rover…I want you to break through. Come running toward me, with all you’ve got. We will not clasp hands to see if we can keep you out…we join hands together so that we may cushion your blow when you come crashing in. You will come crashing in, you know? You will awaken and you will come running like hell to this field, a field where out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, the soul lies down in that grass and the world is too full to talk about. I will meet each of you someday, in this field. I am already in this field with many of you, and I thank you for that, as the world is too big and too hard and too unforgiving to run into the arms or red rover, isn’t it? We will not run, with all of our might, with people. Joining hands tight, to keep us out, desperately trying to break through. If you are running toward this field to geeet us, you will be welcomed with open arms. We are waiting for you and we welcome you and embrace you and we love you so, so much! Don’t stop running towards us because as far away as we appear to be, we are right here and we’ve got you! Meet me in the field and let’s lie down in that grass together, where the world is too full to talk about, where it is just you and me, and no words are needed at all. Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, I will meet you there!

Go grab yourself another cup of coffee and I will grab mine and meet up in the living room with my girl and Benny, to have our morning cup together. I want to tell you that I am so glad you are here! I am so, so glad you are here! Have a beautiful day, you beautiful sou! I will meet you in Rumi’s field!