Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I throw my bullshit flag high into the air!!!

Happy Saturday morning everyone! I fucking love you! Thank you for being here!

I know many of you are hurting and I am here to tell you that I see you and I love you. We try, don’t we? We keep scraping ourselves up and getting back up! We keep fighting the good fight. We are here for a purpose. We are here for a reason. This pain is our teacher. This hell is our launchpad into greatness. This is exactly as it should be and we are right where we are meant to be. Only we can change where we are at. If you do not like where you are at in this moment, may I ask you, what are you doing to change it? We stay the same because we are afraid of change. We don’t because we think someone else will. We know better. You are it. You are the one your life is for. Your Dharma…your journey…your growth. This is all about you my friend. Every single bit of it.

We came here and we are here. We only have a little while. We only get one shot here, to give it all we’ve got. Cancer is a mother fucking bitch in the night and she is here to steal your children, your husband, your dad and your sister…your mom and your little brother…your best friend and your lover. Cancer does not give one fuck. Cancer does not give a shit how you saw this all going down. Nor does the final moment before you pull your own trigger. There is no grace…no mercy in these things. No righteousness or rhyme or reason…Suicide does not wait for hope. Suicide cannot call up common fucking sense. Suicide is the final engulfment of all that you fought against, finally taking you over. Suicide is you taking yourself out of pain that we cannot know or judge or understand. We pretend to and yet, we don’t know your heart, your journey, your pain. These are not our things to judge you for. These are things for us to love you through. The heart attack that knew no fucking mercy…the one that took your lover in the night…these are our lessons my friends. These are our launching pads into greatness! Without the one you loved more than you loved your own self, what great things will you do now, with that shattered and beautiful heart of yours? With your pain, who will you help to heal?

The bottle…the pills…the food…the mind fucking thoughts…for today…just for today, can we set these things down? I will rest from mind fucking myself and you set down your bottle. I will consciously stay out of my head today. You eat consciously today. Eat what nourishes you and feeds your soul and that beautiful body of yours. Do not eat to fill up the gaping hole that food will not fill anyway. Eat joyously with friends, in laughter and celebration today! Enjoy every single bite. When you are full, set your fork down and be done. Fill yourself with joy and laughter and happy instead of the things that make you sick at your own sight. The bottle is always going to empty you more than it empties itself. Every single mother fucking time. One after the other, glass after empty glass crashing as you fetch yourself another drink…as your mind gets far away from you and your words trail off into oblivion without you…set the fucking devil down my friends. The demons are in those bottles and they will fuck you up every single time, for they know and care not who you are. They are your fucking void…your empty…your constant reminder that you are wasting your life, yourself, your love and your potential. Every sip…every swig, especially the ones you are lying to yourself about, will rip a little more of you away from you, away from me…away from us. For I won’t be there when you awake to yourself, to hold you and tell you it’s okay…You’re okay. You will wake alone again with your empty bottle and your own lies and you will be ashamed. You will be so ashamed in fact, that you will just keep drinking. You do not feel worthy to be whole, to be present, to be sober…and so you aren’t. I am here to suggest to you that you are more than this. You are so much more than the things that you allow to run your life. Set it down. Just set it down. And no matter who or what or when or where…you do not pick it back up.

I am vegan and I will always be vegan. Eating animals, my friends, is no longer an option for me. Period. I set it down. You did too, for the animals, stop eating them,right? You went vegan and never once looked back. Your life is now dedicated to the animals and you will never eat them again. Why is that? How can you be vegan, just like that, after eating dead flesh and secretions your whole fucking life? You stopped. And yet you cannot stop doing what is killing you? I know. I know. You’re sick. Me too my friend. Me too. Here is the thing, you have the ability to stop. You stopped eating flesh of your friends, simply because it is no longer an option, right? Many of you quit cold turkey, so to speak, didn’t you? For the animals, for compassion…you quit just like that. And yet, for you, you say you are sick and cannot stop drinking? I am going to hurl this bright yellow bullshit flag at you! I am going to bring a rare steak, smothered in dairy to your house, with a picture of our cows, Karuna and Ahimsa, and I am going to ask you to eat that fucking steak. In front of your plate, I am going to place a full glass of water and I am going to ask you to eat your friends and wash it down with something that won’t allow you to “forget” what you just did. This madness…this addiction…this thing you say you can’t control…why do you think so little of yourself my love? If I were presented with a rare steak, a bottle of wine and a glass of water, You will find me on a water fast until I find something else to eat and drink or until I pass away from starvation. Eating my friends and drinking the wine are equally as egregious to my soul. I will not because there is a power higher than myself who reminds me to repeat the serenity prayer until I feel it. To set it down and to thank God for my sobriety, just for today.

Have a beautiful Saturday everyone. Set it down and pick yourself up. We are all here waiting for you! We believe in you and we fucking love you! We simply want you to love you too!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

And the Angels came down again…

Good morning everyone! To all of my brave brothers and sisters who struggle in their separation from sobriety and divinity, in the struggle, I fucking love you! I really, really do. Be it alcohol, drugs, pharmaceuticals, food…we all struggle to sober ourselves from the addictions that we have to something. We may even often be addicted to someone or our idea of someone. The struggle is real for each of us.

The angels came down again yesterday and I received amazing and loving and nurturing massage from my beautiful sister and angel, I received acupuncture from an angel from the heavens and my first injection into my sciatic nerves on my left side from yet another angel. This morning, there is a bit of relief and I am so thankful! To everyone who lays hands and hearts on me, thank you for your love. Truly, I love you and appreciate your love so much.

I met my silly friend Sigrid for tea yesterday and I am so blessed to have my silly! We are kindred souls and I love our time together. We are ever the same and I am humbled. Thank you Sigrid, for all things. I love you silly!

My beautiful angel Regina reaches me daily and my heart giggles when I am with her. I love you Regina.

The love of my life and my soulmate, is a constant beacon and my light in the darkness. As I swim upstream, she is my legs and often my breath. As I go under, she is my life preserver. As I woke up feeling better, and she made me the most amazing breakfast again this morning, I thanked God for his grace and his mercy. I love you Tamara. I could not be more blessed. I know I don’t always say it and I sometimes forget to tell you that you are everything to me and I love you with all of my heart. I am so, so, so, so, so….thankful for you my love.

And Prajna held me close last night and nursed my wounds throughout the night. Curled up in me this morning, my best little friend in all of the world, P~Mama!!!!! I love you Prajna Mama! Thank you for how you see me and know me and love me. You are my very own little heart outside my chest and I love you with all of my heart.

Dear God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

I hope you have a beautiful Friday! I love you!

A jumbled confession for us all…

When the knock at your door finally comes, the knock that you have been praying for, as long as you can remember; will you open the door?

My knock came and I opened the door. A moment of surrender. Asking for help. Seeking to understand. Clarity in an abyss. Calm in a storm. A fucking Tsunami in the middle of meditation. Prison inside a prison. Bars between us. I Caged you in because I could not get out. I pushed you back until I was able to come forward. I did to you, the only thing I knew to do…I mimicked what was done to me. I silenced you. I controlled you so that I could steady myself. I am sorry. I held you down so that, on a wing and a prayer, I might ever be able to stand up again at all. Thank you. I came first. I mattered so much less always that I was dying of thirst to matter most of all. I surrender. I am blessed to matter. My unquenchable thirst left you parched. I offer you my glass. My needs left you…just you, standing there meeting them, without even having the benefit of me. I see that now. I see you now. Your submission in love of me allowed me to come out of submission myself. Thank you. Your being open allows me to be open too. Your strength, my inspiration. The time you did behind bars for me saved me from a death sentence. Thank you. Your love did and does set me free. I want to be just like you, in my own peculiar way-Thank you SOJA. My hopes are mostly expectations. My dreams are mostly someone else’s dreams. My sense of self is in need of some mending. My pain in enormous and I’m setting it down. My mistakes are countless and I’m forgiving them. Much of who I am is, in actuality, it someone else playing through me, a program that does not serve me. I close and end this program now so that I can bring you my own version of me forty. I forgive. I grieve. I let go. I begin anew. I medicate and meditate as rituals to heal and feed my soul. I stand corrected and I stand down where it does not serve for me to stand up. I surrender. My lifelong prayer of healing…how it needs to occur for me…what it feels and looks and is like…that prayer was answered in a moment this morning. I am so, so thankful. Thank you. My burning question, answered…let go. Fear not. Be well. Accept grace. Admit fault. Begin again. My prayer…heard…answered…and now my work is finished and now my work begins. I fake it until I make it sometimes. Sometimes I make it first. Sometimes the struggle is real. Sometimes there feels to be absolutely nothing at all. In this dark stillness, I began to find myself. The bars come down and we are all free. We are free to be, without limits who we are. As we adjust, shower love and grace abundantly around us. Thank you. As I peel away your way, to find my own…please grant me safe passage. Thank you. As I hit the floor on my knees in all of this reality, please keep me down there until I get it this time, until I really fucking get it. Please gently and lovingly hold me accountable. Please call me out lovingly and with kindness so that I may hear you and be called into my own action, and not the one I’m programmed too. Please let me offer all that I ask for my highest good, for your highest good also. Let me let go. Please remind me not to pick up that which is not mine to carry. Let it lie. Practice the pause. Wait to be asked for help. Wherever I go, go with all of my heart. Practice what I preach. Learn what I teach. Love myself enough to let the hate I have for myself be gone for good this time, for real. Let myself be loved. Accept that I am forgiven. Forgive myself. Be love. Forgive. Accept you on your terms. Stop preventing you from being you so that I can be me. Act in accordance with love always and in all ways. Get back up. Wipe my tears. Forgive myself for not knowing what I don’t know before I knew it. Let it go. Begin again. Don’t try so hard. Don’t try at all. Just be. Love. Be love. Be loved. Have a good day. I love you.

I am 5 years sober today!

Good morning everyone! I am overflowing with gratitude this morning for my sobriety. I am not going to lie…it’s all a bit surreal.

Five years. My life has changed so much in the last five years. Being sober is an experience I never wanted to experience. Now I have no desire to ever be drunk again…no desire to be absent…no want to be numb enough that I convince myself that I don’t feel at all. Becoming me is an eye-opening and life-transforming experience. I thought I was me and so all of this un-becoming…well it’s a fucking trip to be honest with you! Sobriety for me, is a choice I never even knew I had and not a choice at all. Abstract and so fucking concrete all at the same time.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

This morning…this day…this date…all markers for a journey that I’ve been on. I’m just going to start writing my emotions…my thoughts…and maybe it will make sense. Maybe it won’t. This morning I need to purge some, to release some…to just do me a bit.

My reflection on the last five years:

Five years. A lifetime. Yesterday. Counting seconds. Days eternal. Infinite depth. Buried alive. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. Fractured bones. Destroyed relationships. Broken dreams. Countless Coronas. Lime trees. Broken. Absent. Missing myself. My drink was my medicine. Medicine for the pain of my past and medicine to keep moving at all. Alcohol saved me. Alcohol destroyed me. Five years ago I stopped.

I stopped drinking. I stopped numbing myself and my pain. Five years later, without my medication, I fucking hurt. My body hurts. Sober hurts. Stinking thinking hurts. Dry drinking hurts. The Serenity prayer helps. Being of service is the only real salvation. Ever. For anyone. Love is the answer. For all things, love is the answer. My sadness shows itself to you as anger. Mostly, I’m just sad. Today I am silent. Today I am thankful. Today I reflect. Being sober with Tamara is my most beautiful gift. Tamara is my most beautiful gift. I love you Tamara. My little brother is my most wanted gift, ever. I love you Shawn. My Mom is my greatest loss. I am my Fathers greatest loss. I love you just the same Dad. Even when it hurts the most, I love the most. I always have. What isolates me from you brings me closer to me. I am five today. I stopped believing that I could drink just one. I stopped lying to myself. I wanted what you had and so I went out and I got it for myself. I miss my Mom today. I wish my Mom could be here to see me now. I am here to share what I have with you. Sometimes it hurts too deep to bridge the gap. Scapegoating is not for me. Sober is the new strong. Strong is the new humble. Humble is. I am. You are. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

Today I thank God for the courage, especially on the days I feel so weak. Because of my sobriety, I am coming to know serenity and I am so thankful. The work for me is in the wisdom to know the difference. And so, on bended knees I pray:

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me to keep coming back. Thank you for sending me someone to help me to find my way in the blinding storm. A storm that I had no fucking idea that I was in. Blinded. Thank you for Tamara. For every lesson, turned blessing and for every “no” that led me to a “yes”…for every ending that became a beautiful beginning…I am so thankful. Today, I thank God for reminding me of who I am under the shroud of who I was made to believe I was. To each and every one of you who loves and believes in me…thank you. Blessed and so thankful for the crack where the light enters me. Thank you my soul brother Rumi for illuminating my path. And so it is. Amen.

I celebrate each of us today. My five years and your five minutes…your fifteen years and her 31 years. Your desire chip and my hand outstretched before you. I am here and I love you. Have a beautiful day today!

An update for those interested…

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Good afternoon. To apprise you of my current situation, I had an appointment with my surgeon this morning and my road to healing shall be a long one.

I am on HRT, which was slightly increased today, as the sweating and hot/cold is still fairly prominent. I go in next week, in office and under anesthesia, for injections to my pelvic floor. These are the injections I spoke of that did not get done in surgery.

My surgeon sat down together, with Tamara an I a couple of weeks ago, and again today with just she and I. Tears and hugs and apologies at our first meeting. Today, after hugs, we forged ahead with a plan. We, my surgeon and I, seemed to heal and heal each other in ways unspoken. There was no need for many words. As I sit here, I feel the words leaving my body…as if to say the time has come for me to listen.

Reliving the trauma that got me here has been unsettling and painful. I have definitely lost my way in all of the pain and blame and fear. The severity of my abuse has literally locked my body down, in an effort to defend itself. For over 40 years, when I was not cracked open against my own will or drunk enough to fuck, my body is on lockdown. As you can imagine, all of these years of locking down and clamping shut have taught my body only one thing, to clamp down and lock myself safe inside. In order to interrupt and train my body to do something different; I am going to have to have these injections once a month, under anesthesia, until I can do it otherwise.  Additionally, I am going to have to see an oriental pain specialist twice a week for a couple of hours each session, indefinitely. Once the injections begin to do their job and I can tolerate it, I will be referred for PT, and I can’t even speak of that right now. Truly, no words for the journey I am embarking upon, in an effort to be well and pain free and happy and whole….the journey of my life. I just walk through the fire to stop the flames for once and for all. I must scream with all of my might to silence the echos screaming inside myself.

Incest and sexual abuse have left their mark upon me alright. I’ve the scars and the pain and the dysfunction to prove it. I’ve the broken heart of a daughter who lost her Mom and the longing for things that once were, even though, I don’t think I do really. My heart cannot break free of my mind for long enough to make sense of it all.

At first I was overwhelmed and disheartened, scared and reluctant. Today I surrendered, in the cemetery, as I baptized myself in my Moms fountain. I wiped my face and drenched my hair and then her pretty face with my tears and I sat for quite a spell. I baptized my malas In her fountain and I recited and prayed as I wept. I left the cemetery today differently than I came in. It’s almost as though I left my voice there…like I’ve nothing much to say.

I wish to read and reflect, meditate and be still. As I swished my head from side to side and I  let the water fly from my hair, I crawled up into my FJ and Johnny Lang was playing. I wiped my tears and sat a spell, to attempt to comprehend what had just taken place. This baptism, this commitment to my own healing…This void…literally all I can call it…empty space so full that it consumes and dismantled me, piece by piece, as I wake each day to another death of my Mom.

I am reading Ram Dass and Hermann Hesses, Siddhartha. I am frozen and captivated and alive and waking up. I am old and new and young and old. I am here. I am not there. I am today, not tomorrow. I wash myself clean if the illusions that deceive me and I surrender to my journey to heal the wreckage left behind by a sick and violent lineage. I forgive the hands that hurt me and I arise anew from my ashes. And so it is.

Thank you for being here. You give me strength for the journey, light in my darkness and love when I need it most. I love you and I thank you, with all of my heart for carrying me through this. Today, I literally begin again. I am humbled. I am blessed. I am thankful. I am because you are. I love you.

 

How do I move this mountain?

Good Sunday morning everyone! I woke this morning feeling such gratitude and love for all of the love that flooded Santuario de Karuna yesterday at our work day! To everyone who took time away from their Saturday, their families and their lives to come be here and help us to help these amazing beings…Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am in the midst of a huge life Change, in terms of how my work in the world is evolving. I have always been called to be of service and I have always answered that calling, to the best of my ability. I know that my mouth and my way of being in the world, my individuality and my charisma…the very things that have hurt me in every career path I have chosen, until I took a huge leap of faith and went out on my own…will be the same qualities that allow me to spread a message that many people cannot hear otherwise.

Biblically speaking, Jesus sent the people who could speak to people who could hear them. The sinners, the hookers…the misfits who desperately needed to be cleansed and healed…were cleansed and healed by people who got them. None of us heal if we cannot even hear the message. I have completely separated myself from organized religion, as I am a spiritual being, having a temporary human experience. I am not now, nor have I ever been religious. I consider myself to be very Spiritual.

I write about this for clarity, as I am open minded and open to whatever beliefs you hold in your heart. I am not here to judge you or to ask you to be like me, and I ask the same courtesy and consideration from each of you. I want to hear what you have to say and I want you to feel comfortable telling me what is in your heart. I really, really do, as that is how I grow. I just ask that you be loving and kind when you say it, so that I will actually be able to hear it. If you are unkind to me, no matter who you are or what your message is, I simply cannot hear you. I just want to put this out there, in the healing room, for all of us…we are walking each other home. We are not all on the same places on our path and that is the diversity and beauty of it all, isn’t it?

I do not want you to be me or to emulate me. I want you to take what you need from what I put out into the universe and simply leave the rest. I do not judge where you are at in your path.

You don’t have to share my beliefs to share my life with me. You do not have to believe in God, and let me be very clear…I do. This is a touchy subject for some and I am exercising as much love and decorum as I can muster to tell you that I believe in a higher power. I believe in something outside of myself. Larger than myself. I believe that I am gifted and that I am merely an instrument for Gods work. I am available and ready and willing and God definitely uses me in mysterious and amazing ways. Only possible because I believe and only available because I am open and willing. You can be sure that God is talking when I speak, if you are really listening. The way I throw it all out there makes it possible for people to hear me and impossible for others to hear me. The drunks and the hookers and the sinners and the misfits, for lack of better words for us, are going to need a person like them to receive their messages and blessings, right? You can think of me in the trenches…I am not in a pulpit. Although I have been, when called to or needed. I am here with you, doing my best to be of service to us all.

Whatever and whomever, even if it starts and ends with yourself, you believe in, I respect that. Atheist, agnostic, spiritual and religious…I’m not here to tell you who you are and what to believe. I have no judgement of how you navigate your journey through this world…I really don’t.

I grew up with a knowing that I cannot explain or quantify of a power outside of myself…not higher or lower…not better or worse…just something more than me. I grew up, every Sunday in church. I was President of my youth group, I gave Sunday sermons and I served on the Area Youth Council. I wrote poetry and sermons, prayers and affirmation, drew and designed bulletins. I spent a great deal of time nurturing my relationship with my God. When I turned 18, I left the church, the church that I was born into. I left for a number of reasons…hypocrisy and judgement…ridicule for my sexuality and my life choices…repeatedly told I was going to hell…I took God with me and I left the “church” and organized religion behind me. I took what served me and I left the rest. I encourage you to do that also. Take what you need and leave here rest.

Wayne Dyer, one of my greatest inspirations and mentors said it in a way that I’ve always carried with me, and I paraphrase, not quote him in my remembrance of his writings;

To an avatar…”I will give you an orange if you show me where God is”.  The avatars response..”I will give you two oranges to show me where God is not.”

I don’t debate about this, nor do I want to defend or answer for how I feel or what I believe. I am putting this out there to give all of you some insight into who I am.

I look at Ahimsa and I hear my Mom. I see the most beautiful forest in my own back yard. I look into the eyes of my girl and our dogs…all beings…and I see God…I see an orchid (thank you B O B) or a sunflower and I didn’t create that…I don’t have that gift, and neither do you. To me, all of the beauty around me, including Tamara and you, were created by something more than me, so to me, it seems clear, that there is, in fact, without a doubt, something more. I call my higher source God. Tamara thinks of G O D as Good Orderly Direction and I agree with her wholeheartedly.

I heard a sermon when I was in high school that referenced God moving mountains. The repeated prayer that God move this mountain for me. After many unanswered prayers, the prayer turned Around,  and there was a wheelbarrow and a shovel. This has always stuck with me. Through the years, and with all of the mountains, God has always given me the wheelbarrow and the shovel and I am so, so thankful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How you move your mountains is entirely up to you. This is how I do it!

Coral does not stand alone. Coral does not do hands on healing with her own hands. Coral does not heal you. Coral is a vessel for and an instrument used to get the message out. Coral is a very flawed human being, being human, making mistakes and fucking up, just like you. Corals Mom left her earthly body and is far from dead. My Mom is right here, with me.

I love an honor people in the flesh. I love and honor those in spirit, those whom I cannot touch with my hands. I pray to and meditate with a higher source, outside of myself. I am a Reiki Master and I take seriously my energy work in love and light. I do not debate religion or politics and yet, on my blog and my pages, I put things that bring me healing, comfort and healing. I share with you, in hopes that you too, will be inspired, heal and inspire others. My opinions? Of course…you are reading my pages and my blog, right? All of those pages and all that they are…fragmented pieces of who I’ve been, who I am and who I am becoming.

I’ve absolutely no expectation of you and your beliefs. I am not here to argue or to debate. I, and my beliefs are not for everyone and hey, that’s okay, right?

So, now you know a little bit more about me and how I believe. I hope this helps! Have a beautiful day! I love you!

Please take a moment before we leave the healing room today and pray for those suffering, I’ve a dear friends Mom lifted up, as high as I can lift. I ask each of you to do what you do, whatever that is, to lift her higher, to love her more and to fill her with love and healing light. However you do it, please send her and her family all of your love, as she is in he midst of some medical stuff that needs skilled medical teams to restore her to health. Please pray with me for our sister, that she be restored to physical, mental and spiritual health. Thank you in advance my friends. I love you! Have a beautiful day!

This is my sober story…What is the DIS in your disEASE?

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Good morning my loves! I am back! Changing my stripes has definitely done wonders to heal my badly battered, hardly beating heart. I had no idea I didn’t have pain meds. I had no idea that I just overdosed and that I came a lot closer than I would like to acknowledge, to dying. I’ve no issue with dying…none at all. I won’t lie, I’ve got a different idea of how I’m leaving this world…me having a drug overdose, of any kind, has never even crossed my mind. I am a sober woman who literally just inadvertently overdosed herself on narcotic medication.

I do want to talk about how that feels for me, for just a moment, as I Segway into the healing room this morning. Being sober, especially for an alcoholic, is hard some days, at least for me it is.

For me, my experience of having a potentially near death experience, as a result of a drug overdose is incomprehensible, as I don’t do drugs. I don’t drink alcohol, and haven’t for over four years now.  I haven’t ever done drugs, illegal and not prescribed, unless I’ve used them as they were prescribed, for me. I must admit, the only way I feel that I can express to you how it feels, is really to say, that being vegan, also for over four years, that I do not eat animals. I would fucking die a little inside if I did by accident. I mean a chicken taco, instead of a jackfruit taco would fuck with my very soul. The taste of one of my dear friends, in my mouth, it would fuck me up a bit. Also, because I cannot process animals in my body anymore, it would also make me very physically sick. Our bodies learn to purge what does not belong. You already knew that though, didn’t you. So, for me, Coral, a sober woman, who has had to work at staying sober, extra hard since my Mom got sick and died on me, alcohol, a progressive disease, would probably fucking kill me, even in small doses, if I were to take a drink.  Eating a chicken would make my body sick and torment my very soul, just the same. My drug overdose has done this as well…fucked with my soul and caused me to purge, violently, what does not belong, what makes me sick and what compromises my sobriety. I ate my last animal on my little Brothers Birthday, March 9, 2014, in the form of my favorite ground beef enchiladas, my Mom always made them on the most special of occasions. My little Brothers Birthday dinner..I made a compassionate choice. I made a choice that my soul is at peace with and I am so thankful. I don’t eat animals because it makes my soul and my stomach and my heart sick.

A drug OD for anyone is their own private Hell, isn’t it? I just found out for myself…and hell may not be the word for you. For me though, as I said, I had no idea, in the moment that I was overdosing, that I had overdosed. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening but it was scary and ugly and out of control. Airplanes and giant bumble bees buzzing through my brain and poison, once pain management, coarsing through my veins. Falling and stumbling, or did I fall all the way down? Puking and shitting and holding my guts in, because the vomiting was violent and I was all stitched up inside. All over me and our bathroom, were the evidence that something went wrong. I just had no idea, none at all, for a couple of more days, post op with my surgeon, that I had in fact experienced a narcotic drug overdose. That poison, those feelings, brought back for me, many a drunken nights, where I almost died, at my own hands directly and at others hands indirectly. Our poison comes in different forms and many of you, like me, have ingested a butt load of poison, in whatever form that poison suits you, in some form or another. I didn’t stop drinking because I don’t like to drink. I did not stop eating animals because I didn’t like the way they tasted. I made choices that resonate and fit with my soul.  This drug overdose has really been a catalyst for me, in terms of changing the way I look at things, and watching the things I look at change.

Once a story about how I was wronged and what negligent behavior has done TO me, I write my story from a standpoint of what this lesson has taught me. This lesson, already turned blessing, has taught me that we are all just walking each other home. We are all practicing our crafts. We are all, whether we know it or not, whether we like it or not and whether we believe it or not, a mirror for one another. We must be conscious and we must be aware, and we must hold hands and love each other through our trials and tribulations. We must be the change we wish to see in the world. We cannot say the words and not invest in the time and the blood and the sweat and the tears of actually being in action, doing the work.

I take this experience and I turn it into a beautiful gift for us all. We all have much to learn. We all have much to teach.  This experience has inspired me to share my sober story with all of you. My story, for us all to learn and grow from. I gift my story, and a piece of my journey with you now. I extend my hand, outstretched toward you, if you are on a similar journey now and need a hand. I have gone from being anonymous to being wide open and available to you, so please reach if you need to. I am right here.

Days where things have gone particularly bad, I would love to have me a few beers. Damn straight…and I don’t ever use the word “straight”….days when things go really good, of course I want to go celebrate and tie a few on! My sobriety is because I am sick, not because I do not like the taste or the feel or the social interactions of alcohol. I fucking love me some beer…okay, okay, I love me almost ALL beer. Beer, for me, my very dearest and closest friend, my confidant, my medicine…my drug of choice. My go to in the good times and more so in the great times. My escort to every social event or engagement. My date to every outing. My go to in the bad times and more so in my worst of times. My pain management for all things physical and emotional. For all things real…to real..and way too hard to handle, alcohol carried me through. Alcohol was my courage and my rock. Alcohol was my mask and my laughter. I did not stop drinking alcohol because I didn’t like it. I stopped drinking alcohol because one evening, supporting a dear friend, going through a very difficult time, I went to an AA meeting, my first AA meeting ever, on my way to happy hour. I paused, to support someone I loved, on my way to happy hour, in to an AA meeting that I shall never forget. We met two of her friends there, I met these beautiful ladies for the first time. One woman was many years sober, like my friend. One woman did not drink at all. “What the fuck do I say when they get to me?” I asked her, very nervous and more ready than ever for some fucking happy hour. To which she replied, “Just say, ‘My name is Coral and I am a friend of AA”. Easy enough, right? Easy peasy…then why was I shaking and sweating and nervous and wanting to get the fuck up out of there? I did not know. I truly did not know. I’ll tell you what though…it sure as hell was getting to be my turn pretty soon. I was nervous and sweating and rehearsing in my head…”My name is Coral and I am a friend of AA”…I can fucking do this. Fuck….fuck, fuck, fuck…it is already my turn. Fuck. My friend put her hand on my leg and gave me the “you can do it, nod. You know that nod, right?) I can fucking do this. My name is Coral, and I am an alcoholic”….What in the fuck just happened? That was not at all what I had been rehearsing. Fuck! What in the hell did I just say? Why am I convulsing a bit inside myself? Why did the whole fucking world just disappear, and where the fuck did it go? For Christ’s sake…I just said my lines wrong!!! Fuck! I don’t get a do over…I said it wrong. My friend put her hand in my sweaty and shaking hand. There were no words, just a crushed Oreo cookie, and lots of sweat and shaking going on.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I never made it to happy hour that night. I never went to happy hour again. I realized in that God-gifted moment, that I was not well. Not consciously….I damn near went down. I didn’t know how my life was about to change. I didn’t know that AA meetings and iced tea would replace Happy hour and my beloved beer. I didn’t know my friends circles would change and shift so drastically and in some cases, even disappear entirely. I had no way of knowing, being an alcoholic, since before I can even truly remember, like before I could even speak at all, that I was sick. I didn’t know that I needed help. The moment I realized I was indeed an alcoholic, I set it down. I said I am done. I fucking meant it. I am still an alcoholic. I am sick and DISeased. I have made a choice as to how I have to manage my sickness…the only way I can…I have to not drink alcohol, at all. i have to not be in the presence of alcohol very much at all. It’s not you…it truly is me. If you are drinking more than a drink or two, I cannot and will not be there.  It’s not because I don’t want to hang out with you. No, you see it’s not that at all. What it is, is…I want what you are having. I can’t just have what you are having and be okay, so I don’t go. I also have the DISease of more and one drink is never enough for me. I don’t go hang out anymore because, as an admitted alcoholic and a committed sober woman, I am no longer at home, in the presence of things I love and cannot have. Not when my world blew out and I lost everything, not when I didn’t have any money, not when I lost my house, not when I sat in the room with my family and realized that my Mom was dying and not when my Mom died. Not when my baby brother whose Mom just died also, turned 40 and threw a bash. Not when I’ve had my worst days. Not when I’ve had my best days. I am Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Is everyone ready to head into the healing room? Does everyone have their coffee hot and ready to go? Okay then, grab my hand and let’s go!

I am Coral and I am an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease. Dis-Ease…for me anyway…I spell mine like this…DISease and here is why:

…dissed with ease, over and over and over again. Disconnected. Disenchanted and disenchanting. Distanced and distant. Discombobulated. Discomfort. Disappointed and disappointing. Disturbing and disturbed. Disrupted and disruptive. Discharged and charging. Disorders piling up on top of one another and Delusions. Dismissed and Dismissive. Disbanded in Death a time or two and nearly dead a thousand times more. Disheartened and broken hearted. Disbelieving. Disgusted and disgusting. Discussed a lot and discussing. Disdained and disdainful. Diseased. Disfigured and dismembered bit by bit. Disorder. Disorganized. Disinterested. Displayed and displaying. Disposable and disposing. Disappointed (did I already say that?) and disappointing. Disarmed and disarming. Dissolving. Disappearing. Dissent. Distracted and distracting. Distended. Distorted and distorting. Distant. Disused and misused, and used. Discouraged. Disowned. Disbelief. I am Coral and I am an alcohol and these words help me to define the DIS in my Disease.

As for the ease part of Coral’s disEASE…there really wasn’t lot of ease. Alcohol gave me the illusion that I desperately needed, of easy and easy…manageable and tolerable…OK and fine.

Merrium Webster’s medical definition of disease is as follows: “an impairment of the normal state of the living animal or plant body or one of its parts that interrupts or modifies the performance of the vital functions, is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms, and is a response to environmental factors (as malnutrition, industrial hazards, or climate), to specific infective agents (as worms, bacteria, or viruses), to inherent defects of the organism (as genetic anomalies), or to combinations of these factors.”

First learned in terms of a plant or an organism, for me, in middle school science class, which I detested, by the way. Required to participate. Replicated in pitre dishes and glass tubes in lab class. I go back and read it now, and I put me in all of the spaces where I envisioned a diseased plant. Apply the words to you. What is the DIS in your DISease?

Whether we like it and whether we are truly able to admit it or not, we all have DISease. We each have something that causes at least some of the feelings that I felt. Depressed and dismissed. We get stuck there when we stay there for too long, don’t we? Our DISease, whatever it is, it is ours to manage, to battle and to feel, to fight and to struggle with…whatever it is…it is our demon and we must slay it alone. We cannot do it for each other and we cannot do it because of one another either. We must reach for those who will help us to navigate our new and uncharted terrain. We must feel fight like hell on some days and bask in our sobriety on others. DISease is not a one size fits all situation, and my remedy won’t be yours. My salvation comes differently than yours will, and just like our stripes…Our diseases are different shapes and colors. We are all just walking each other home.

I want you to know that I am here. I really, really am. I put some hard stuff out there and I’m a tiny stick of dynamite with the power to ignite the world, and with the willingness and the resilience to light us and lift us all up.

I take my hard stuff and I lay it raw and open and unedited for you, so that we can unwrap together, our packages, examine their contents…take what we need, be thankful for it all and to leave the rest.

I know that a huge part of my calling (just came to me in this moment) is to take the ugly and allow it to be as ugly as it needs to be, for as long as it needs to be, and to be silent until I can internally process it and deliver both the story and a remedy for us all, of some kind. I’ve tried to do that and I will be more diligent moving forward, to always close the hard stuff with he good stuff.  I love you and I am so glad you keep coming back.

Please take hands everyone and let us say the Serenity Prayer together this morning, before we head out into the world;

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Good morning from the healing room! I will meeting you in Rumi’s field….

 

98999F5E-8ABF-4B04-9CF8-BE540ADD8F92.jpegGood morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I hope your day is off to a great start already. I am feeling better every day and excited to be able to ease back into my life slowly over the next four weeks.

Welcome to our healing room! I hope you’ve got your coffee ready, because we’ve got some good stuff this morning!

Given my level of anxiety around my life’s recent events and my emotions running high, I have struggled. Yesterday that struggle became too much and I reached out, in several areas of my life for some help. I knew I was overwhelmed and unable to gain traction and momentum again. I was at a seemingly unrecoverable low.

I reached first to Tamara. Seeing me struggle so has been so hard for us both. We agreed that I needed to use my therapy time yesterday to ask for some help, and so I did. I reached out to get some answers and they are coming. I will update more thoroughly later, as I know more. For now though, I am content in the knowing that I am okay. Everything I have seen on my results so far has not been cancer! For me, that’s really a lot of the fear piece, after my Mom died so unexpectedly and suddenly from cancer.  So many people that I know and love have battled, in one way or another, cancer. I am much relieved to have not heard the word cancer in anything so far, from any of my test results, and I am so thankful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

What do we do when something is scary for us? How do we walk through our fears, without escalating to them and with them? How do we hold our fear in reverence and regard, to make it manageable again? How the fuck, so we adult when our inner two year old is coming out screaming and crying and completely broken? How do we help the world to help us, when we cannot find a way to help ourselves?

Todays blog is about how do we help ourselves, so that we can heal ourselves? We must, you know? We must all do our due diligence to begin to wrestle our own fears. We must begin to slay our own demons. We must fight these little fights within us and start putting out the tiny fires all around us. To be the change, the change that people can really count on, we must change ourselves inside out, and we must change us first.

In doing my own self inventory, it has become abundantly clear, that change begins with me. I believe that my Psyche is just as fractured as my body. My body is healing nicely, and I am so grateful. My psyche is cracked as fuck and just look at all if the places the light has to enter me! Rumi says this, so eloquently: “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” I fucking love Rumi! Anyone else? Rumi was gifted to me many years ago. The gift of Rumi has been one of my most cherished gifts, as Rumi’s words always ignite my soul.

My favorite Rumi quote is;

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.”

This quote, for me, has always said that no matter how bad is has been, how far away it is…whatever and whoever is is…there is a field, and when we meet again in that field, and I will meet you there. When we meet in that field, the right and the wrongs, all of the fuck ups and wrong words, they won’t matter anymore. In this field, where we come back together, after journeying separately, we will all be home! Did I say that I fucking love Rumi? My book of Rumi, a Birthday gift from someone I hope to meet in that very field someday, reminds me of what I believe to my core and what Ram Dass so eloquently says when he reminds us that we are all just walking each other home.

Rumi says, “the door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep.” Don’t go back to sleep. Waking up is hard work. Waking up is lots of things…and different and personal to each of us…don’t go back to sleep you guys! Don’t go back to sleep!

As I begin to awaken, I cannot help but see how asleep I have been. I cannot help but knowing that I have not been resting well, and yet, I have been sleeping…I have had my eyes open, and yet I assure you, I have not been completely awake.

As I awaken to a world…as I awaken a world…as I open, I invite you to join me. We are here, coffee in hand, and we have work to do. We are here, hand in hand and we must stick together. This is not red rover…I want you to break through. Come running toward me, with all you’ve got. We will not clasp hands to see if we can keep you out…we join hands together so that we may cushion your blow when you come crashing in. You will come crashing in, you know? You will awaken and you will come running like hell to this field, a field where out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, the soul lies down in that grass and the world is too full to talk about. I will meet each of you someday, in this field. I am already in this field with many of you, and I thank you for that, as the world is too big and too hard and too unforgiving to run into the arms or red rover, isn’t it? We will not run, with all of our might, with people. Joining hands tight, to keep us out, desperately trying to break through. If you are running toward this field to geeet us, you will be welcomed with open arms. We are waiting for you and we welcome you and embrace you and we love you so, so much! Don’t stop running towards us because as far away as we appear to be, we are right here and we’ve got you! Meet me in the field and let’s lie down in that grass together, where the world is too full to talk about, where it is just you and me, and no words are needed at all. Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, I will meet you there!

Go grab yourself another cup of coffee and I will grab mine and meet up in the living room with my girl and Benny, to have our morning cup together. I want to tell you that I am so glad you are here! I am so, so glad you are here! Have a beautiful day, you beautiful sou! I will meet you in Rumi’s field!

Can we forgive them for that too?

Good evening everyone! I tried to reach a lot of you personally tonight, just to say I love you. For those of you I didn’t reach personally, I love you.

I am saying a prayer for us all, that we may know true forgiveness in our hearts. My life has transformed miraculously, as I am learning how to forgive. There is nothing in this world worth being upset over or holding onto. Nothing. Withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to fall over dead in front of you. We have all heard that, right? Think about how true that is. We forgive to free ourselves from the bondage that denying forgiveness holds us in. We shackle ourselves with every thing that we cannot let go of. We harm ourselves, on top of already being harmed, because we don’t know how to forgive others. We don’t know how to forgive ourselves. Rather than learning how to do that, we just don’t forgive. We don’t let go. We don’t know how and we are somehow okay with that. We can change that, you know? We have a choice.

Why am I writing like a mad woman? Why am I unable to and unwilling to stop being the change I wish to see? So you want to know why? Because it’s working!!!! Look at us, in this healing room…look around you…we are doing this! We are turning the tide, you and I…we are the love!

We must not dive into the abyss of negativity and blame and stay there indefinitely. We must dive in and we must do what we need to do, and stay as long as we need to stay, and then we need to forgive it all, without discretion, and let that shit go. All of it. I fucking dare you, to let it all go! You know my laundry list…all of it…everyone on it…let it go and with all of your heart, forgive. No matter who and no matter what and no matter why…for your own sake, let it go. Forgive the most unforgivable and you will begin to break those shackles. Don’t take my word for it, ever. I always challenge you to do your work, however that looks. Take the worst thing that ever happened to you…the absolute worst thing. Pull that into your heart and hold it there. Better yet, here’s an exercise, just shared with me this evening by one of my readers. With permission, I repost this exactly as I received it. Here it is:

One last thing before I go. It’s something a guru taught me at this retreat I attended in LA. I think your readers can use. He spoke about when you are feeling emotions you are uncomfortable with you should take a bath. But this is an “Emotional bath”. You sit in the tub and think of what you need to work through. Example: you are mad at your partner. They didn’t understand your feelings and it bothers you. Now it’s time to go to bed and you don’t want to feel the anger anymore and sleep. Start filling up the tub while you feel that anger. When tub filled up(water represents ANGER) STEW in it. Feel all those thoughts. It can be 10 minutes it can be hours(I have refilled a tub a time or two😉). When you are ready to let anger go for the night, start releasing water(ANGER). When water is out that is all you can go for today and it allows you to sleep.

Let us all wash ourselves clean! Let us all gift ourselves and each other some forgiveness. The very, very worst thing…go and get it and bring it back here to the circle with the rest of us. Dig deep and go big…bring me the ugliest and the worst that you’ve got, all of that ugly junk up in your trunk. Lay it on me. You did it. It was done to you. Makes no difference, because only you know and only you need to know, what and who and how…and don’t go too deep there either. Don’t rip this wound open again…just got straight into your center and pull out the one thing you can’t let go of, or two or three or ten things. Bring them all and let’s circle back up, because we have some healing to do.

Is everyone ready? One at a time, and will all of your heart, bring yours up to me and set it down next to mine. Everyone, respectfully, and In no specific order, go ahead and come up.

Okay, everyone stand in a circle and put down what you brought, all of it, on the ground before your feet. Now everyone take one step to the left. Stand there and stop for a second and see how that feels. Better? Worse? One more time, three steps to the right and stop again. Stand there and tell me how that feels. Anything? Okay, last time, 17 steps to your left, everyone go slowly now. Stop again and we will stay in place. From here, everyone pick up what is in front of you, with no attachment what so ever, and bring it to their fire pit that I built for us. One by one and right on time, gently place yours in the fire. When you are done, we walk away in silence. We walk away in gratitude and we walk away for good, from that which no longer serves us.

With this, I will close the circle with a prayer of substantial and monumental healing for us all this evening. And so it is.

Your sins…my sins…their sins…they are all in there, rising back up in smoke, from the smoldering ashes, to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. All together now, taking each other’s hands…repeat after me…”Please forgive me. Thank you, I’m sorry. I love you.” Say it over and over and over again, in whatever order, from now until eternity…and don’t take my word for it…you can look it up…never mind…I got you!

Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients–without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate’s chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person’s illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.

When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane? It didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t logical, so I dismissed the story. However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho ‘oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn’t let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more. I had always understood “total responsibility” to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it’s out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We’re responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does. The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility. His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call. I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist. He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. That ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit. Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal. “After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely,” he told me. “Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being released were being freed.” I was in awe. “Not only that,” he went on, “but the staff began to enjoy coming to work. Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work. Today, that ward is closed.” This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: “What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?” “I was simply healing the part of me that created them,” he said. I didn’t understand. Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life – simply because it is in your life–is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation. Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life. This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy–anything you experience and don’t like–is up for you to heal. They don’t exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn’t with them, it’s with you, and to change them, you have to change you. I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho ‘oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone–even a mentally ill criminal–you do it by healing you. I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients’ files? “I just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ over and over again,” he explained. That’s it? That’s it. Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, your improve your world. Let me give you a quick example of how this works: one day, someone sent me an email that upset me. In the past I would have handled it by working on my emotional hot buttons or by trying to reason with the person who sent the nasty message. This time, I decided to try Dr. Len’s method. I kept silently saying, “I’m sorry” and “I love you,” I didn’t say it to anyone in particular. I was simply evoking the spirit of love to heal within me what was creating the outer circumstance. Within an hour I got an e-mail from the same person. He apologized for his previous message. Keep in mind that I didn’t take any outward action to get that apology. I didn’t even write him back. Yet, by saying “I love you,” I somehow healed within me what was creating him. I later attended a ho ‘oponopono workshop run by Dr. Len. He’s now 70 years old, considered a grandfatherly shaman, and is somewhat reclusive. He praised my book, The Attractor Factor. He told me that as I improve myself, my book’s vibration will raise, and everyone will feel it when they read it. In short, as I improve, my readers will improve. “What about the books that are already sold and out there?” I asked. “They aren’t out there,” he explained, once again blowing my mind with his mystic wisdom. “They are still in you.” In short, there is no out there. It would take a whole book to explain this advanced technique with the depth it deserves. Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you. “When you look, do it with love.”

An excerpt from Joe Vitale

I just do not have it today…

Good morning everyone. I am really struggling and not sure how much I’ve got today. The dark cloud that loomed over my life has somehow gotten much darker. I don’t have words…any words…for the place that I am in.

I know that with pain like this and an upcoming surgery, I must find a way to take care of myself. I must put me first. I don’t know how to do that, and so I struggle. My heart is literally crushed into a million pieces and I just cannot make any sense of it all.

Today, I humbly ask you all for love and prayers…strength and courage…love and light…healing energy and good vibes. I look around me at the rubble of my past and I cannot seem to breathe at all or to use my legs, at all, to get out. A constant flood of tears for a little life so badly and brutally attacked and battered, that the adult who survived it all is struggling to stand upright today.

I know my journey has been difficult for a lot of people, as it has opened up some old wounds for us all. I want you to know that I get it and I am sorry for any pain this has brought upon you. My journey is proving to be very difficult for me too, as dark corners illuminate and secrets find their way into the open. As bad as it was, it has gotten worse…as much as it hurt, it hurts on a level I’ve never known. I am literally rendered speechless and without too many words, and so I close today in solidarity…I remain in silence, deep within myself, until I can find my words again.

We are all just walking each other home and I thank you for being here. I believe in the good things coming and I am so blessed for all that I have. Today though, I am in deep, equivocal mourning. Today, I turn inward and hold space for myself, in the safety of my own introspection and reflection, until I regain the strength to navigate my world. I hold the same space and offer the same love to each of you.

I hope you have a beautiful weekend planned and that you are surrounded by love.  I love you.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.