Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

A jumbled confession for us all…

When the knock at your door finally comes, the knock that you have been praying for, as long as you can remember; will you open the door?

My knock came and I opened the door. A moment of surrender. Asking for help. Seeking to understand. Clarity in an abyss. Calm in a storm. A fucking Tsunami in the middle of meditation. Prison inside a prison. Bars between us. I Caged you in because I could not get out. I pushed you back until I was able to come forward. I did to you, the only thing I knew to do…I mimicked what was done to me. I silenced you. I controlled you so that I could steady myself. I am sorry. I held you down so that, on a wing and a prayer, I might ever be able to stand up again at all. Thank you. I came first. I mattered so much less always that I was dying of thirst to matter most of all. I surrender. I am blessed to matter. My unquenchable thirst left you parched. I offer you my glass. My needs left you…just you, standing there meeting them, without even having the benefit of me. I see that now. I see you now. Your submission in love of me allowed me to come out of submission myself. Thank you. Your being open allows me to be open too. Your strength, my inspiration. The time you did behind bars for me saved me from a death sentence. Thank you. Your love did and does set me free. I want to be just like you, in my own peculiar way-Thank you SOJA. My hopes are mostly expectations. My dreams are mostly someone else’s dreams. My sense of self is in need of some mending. My pain in enormous and I’m setting it down. My mistakes are countless and I’m forgiving them. Much of who I am is, in actuality, it someone else playing through me, a program that does not serve me. I close and end this program now so that I can bring you my own version of me forty. I forgive. I grieve. I let go. I begin anew. I medicate and meditate as rituals to heal and feed my soul. I stand corrected and I stand down where it does not serve for me to stand up. I surrender. My lifelong prayer of healing…how it needs to occur for me…what it feels and looks and is like…that prayer was answered in a moment this morning. I am so, so thankful. Thank you. My burning question, answered…let go. Fear not. Be well. Accept grace. Admit fault. Begin again. My prayer…heard…answered…and now my work is finished and now my work begins. I fake it until I make it sometimes. Sometimes I make it first. Sometimes the struggle is real. Sometimes there feels to be absolutely nothing at all. In this dark stillness, I began to find myself. The bars come down and we are all free. We are free to be, without limits who we are. As we adjust, shower love and grace abundantly around us. Thank you. As I peel away your way, to find my own…please grant me safe passage. Thank you. As I hit the floor on my knees in all of this reality, please keep me down there until I get it this time, until I really fucking get it. Please gently and lovingly hold me accountable. Please call me out lovingly and with kindness so that I may hear you and be called into my own action, and not the one I’m programmed too. Please let me offer all that I ask for my highest good, for your highest good also. Let me let go. Please remind me not to pick up that which is not mine to carry. Let it lie. Practice the pause. Wait to be asked for help. Wherever I go, go with all of my heart. Practice what I preach. Learn what I teach. Love myself enough to let the hate I have for myself be gone for good this time, for real. Let myself be loved. Accept that I am forgiven. Forgive myself. Be love. Forgive. Accept you on your terms. Stop preventing you from being you so that I can be me. Act in accordance with love always and in all ways. Get back up. Wipe my tears. Forgive myself for not knowing what I don’t know before I knew it. Let it go. Begin again. Don’t try so hard. Don’t try at all. Just be. Love. Be love. Be loved. Have a good day. I love you.

I am 5 years sober today!

Good morning everyone! I am overflowing with gratitude this morning for my sobriety. I am not going to lie…it’s all a bit surreal.

Five years. My life has changed so much in the last five years. Being sober is an experience I never wanted to experience. Now I have no desire to ever be drunk again…no desire to be absent…no want to be numb enough that I convince myself that I don’t feel at all. Becoming me is an eye-opening and life-transforming experience. I thought I was me and so all of this un-becoming…well it’s a fucking trip to be honest with you! Sobriety for me, is a choice I never even knew I had and not a choice at all. Abstract and so fucking concrete all at the same time.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

This morning…this day…this date…all markers for a journey that I’ve been on. I’m just going to start writing my emotions…my thoughts…and maybe it will make sense. Maybe it won’t. This morning I need to purge some, to release some…to just do me a bit.

My reflection on the last five years:

Five years. A lifetime. Yesterday. Counting seconds. Days eternal. Infinite depth. Buried alive. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. Fractured bones. Destroyed relationships. Broken dreams. Countless Coronas. Lime trees. Broken. Absent. Missing myself. My drink was my medicine. Medicine for the pain of my past and medicine to keep moving at all. Alcohol saved me. Alcohol destroyed me. Five years ago I stopped.

I stopped drinking. I stopped numbing myself and my pain. Five years later, without my medication, I fucking hurt. My body hurts. Sober hurts. Stinking thinking hurts. Dry drinking hurts. The Serenity prayer helps. Being of service is the only real salvation. Ever. For anyone. Love is the answer. For all things, love is the answer. My sadness shows itself to you as anger. Mostly, I’m just sad. Today I am silent. Today I am thankful. Today I reflect. Being sober with Tamara is my most beautiful gift. Tamara is my most beautiful gift. I love you Tamara. My little brother is my most wanted gift, ever. I love you Shawn. My Mom is my greatest loss. I am my Fathers greatest loss. I love you just the same Dad. Even when it hurts the most, I love the most. I always have. What isolates me from you brings me closer to me. I am five today. I stopped believing that I could drink just one. I stopped lying to myself. I wanted what you had and so I went out and I got it for myself. I miss my Mom today. I wish my Mom could be here to see me now. I am here to share what I have with you. Sometimes it hurts too deep to bridge the gap. Scapegoating is not for me. Sober is the new strong. Strong is the new humble. Humble is. I am. You are. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

Today I thank God for the courage, especially on the days I feel so weak. Because of my sobriety, I am coming to know serenity and I am so thankful. The work for me is in the wisdom to know the difference. And so, on bended knees I pray:

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me to keep coming back. Thank you for sending me someone to help me to find my way in the blinding storm. A storm that I had no fucking idea that I was in. Blinded. Thank you for Tamara. For every lesson, turned blessing and for every “no” that led me to a “yes”…for every ending that became a beautiful beginning…I am so thankful. Today, I thank God for reminding me of who I am under the shroud of who I was made to believe I was. To each and every one of you who loves and believes in me…thank you. Blessed and so thankful for the crack where the light enters me. Thank you my soul brother Rumi for illuminating my path. And so it is. Amen.

I celebrate each of us today. My five years and your five minutes…your fifteen years and her 31 years. Your desire chip and my hand outstretched before you. I am here and I love you. Have a beautiful day today!

An update for those interested…

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Good afternoon. To apprise you of my current situation, I had an appointment with my surgeon this morning and my road to healing shall be a long one.

I am on HRT, which was slightly increased today, as the sweating and hot/cold is still fairly prominent. I go in next week, in office and under anesthesia, for injections to my pelvic floor. These are the injections I spoke of that did not get done in surgery.

My surgeon sat down together, with Tamara an I a couple of weeks ago, and again today with just she and I. Tears and hugs and apologies at our first meeting. Today, after hugs, we forged ahead with a plan. We, my surgeon and I, seemed to heal and heal each other in ways unspoken. There was no need for many words. As I sit here, I feel the words leaving my body…as if to say the time has come for me to listen.

Reliving the trauma that got me here has been unsettling and painful. I have definitely lost my way in all of the pain and blame and fear. The severity of my abuse has literally locked my body down, in an effort to defend itself. For over 40 years, when I was not cracked open against my own will or drunk enough to fuck, my body is on lockdown. As you can imagine, all of these years of locking down and clamping shut have taught my body only one thing, to clamp down and lock myself safe inside. In order to interrupt and train my body to do something different; I am going to have to have these injections once a month, under anesthesia, until I can do it otherwise.  Additionally, I am going to have to see an oriental pain specialist twice a week for a couple of hours each session, indefinitely. Once the injections begin to do their job and I can tolerate it, I will be referred for PT, and I can’t even speak of that right now. Truly, no words for the journey I am embarking upon, in an effort to be well and pain free and happy and whole….the journey of my life. I just walk through the fire to stop the flames for once and for all. I must scream with all of my might to silence the echos screaming inside myself.

Incest and sexual abuse have left their mark upon me alright. I’ve the scars and the pain and the dysfunction to prove it. I’ve the broken heart of a daughter who lost her Mom and the longing for things that once were, even though, I don’t think I do really. My heart cannot break free of my mind for long enough to make sense of it all.

At first I was overwhelmed and disheartened, scared and reluctant. Today I surrendered, in the cemetery, as I baptized myself in my Moms fountain. I wiped my face and drenched my hair and then her pretty face with my tears and I sat for quite a spell. I baptized my malas In her fountain and I recited and prayed as I wept. I left the cemetery today differently than I came in. It’s almost as though I left my voice there…like I’ve nothing much to say.

I wish to read and reflect, meditate and be still. As I swished my head from side to side and I  let the water fly from my hair, I crawled up into my FJ and Johnny Lang was playing. I wiped my tears and sat a spell, to attempt to comprehend what had just taken place. This baptism, this commitment to my own healing…This void…literally all I can call it…empty space so full that it consumes and dismantled me, piece by piece, as I wake each day to another death of my Mom.

I am reading Ram Dass and Hermann Hesses, Siddhartha. I am frozen and captivated and alive and waking up. I am old and new and young and old. I am here. I am not there. I am today, not tomorrow. I wash myself clean if the illusions that deceive me and I surrender to my journey to heal the wreckage left behind by a sick and violent lineage. I forgive the hands that hurt me and I arise anew from my ashes. And so it is.

Thank you for being here. You give me strength for the journey, light in my darkness and love when I need it most. I love you and I thank you, with all of my heart for carrying me through this. Today, I literally begin again. I am humbled. I am blessed. I am thankful. I am because you are. I love you.

 

How do I move this mountain?

Good Sunday morning everyone! I woke this morning feeling such gratitude and love for all of the love that flooded Santuario de Karuna yesterday at our work day! To everyone who took time away from their Saturday, their families and their lives to come be here and help us to help these amazing beings…Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am in the midst of a huge life Change, in terms of how my work in the world is evolving. I have always been called to be of service and I have always answered that calling, to the best of my ability. I know that my mouth and my way of being in the world, my individuality and my charisma…the very things that have hurt me in every career path I have chosen, until I took a huge leap of faith and went out on my own…will be the same qualities that allow me to spread a message that many people cannot hear otherwise.

Biblically speaking, Jesus sent the people who could speak to people who could hear them. The sinners, the hookers…the misfits who desperately needed to be cleansed and healed…were cleansed and healed by people who got them. None of us heal if we cannot even hear the message. I have completely separated myself from organized religion, as I am a spiritual being, having a temporary human experience. I am not now, nor have I ever been religious. I consider myself to be very Spiritual.

I write about this for clarity, as I am open minded and open to whatever beliefs you hold in your heart. I am not here to judge you or to ask you to be like me, and I ask the same courtesy and consideration from each of you. I want to hear what you have to say and I want you to feel comfortable telling me what is in your heart. I really, really do, as that is how I grow. I just ask that you be loving and kind when you say it, so that I will actually be able to hear it. If you are unkind to me, no matter who you are or what your message is, I simply cannot hear you. I just want to put this out there, in the healing room, for all of us…we are walking each other home. We are not all on the same places on our path and that is the diversity and beauty of it all, isn’t it?

I do not want you to be me or to emulate me. I want you to take what you need from what I put out into the universe and simply leave the rest. I do not judge where you are at in your path.

You don’t have to share my beliefs to share my life with me. You do not have to believe in God, and let me be very clear…I do. This is a touchy subject for some and I am exercising as much love and decorum as I can muster to tell you that I believe in a higher power. I believe in something outside of myself. Larger than myself. I believe that I am gifted and that I am merely an instrument for Gods work. I am available and ready and willing and God definitely uses me in mysterious and amazing ways. Only possible because I believe and only available because I am open and willing. You can be sure that God is talking when I speak, if you are really listening. The way I throw it all out there makes it possible for people to hear me and impossible for others to hear me. The drunks and the hookers and the sinners and the misfits, for lack of better words for us, are going to need a person like them to receive their messages and blessings, right? You can think of me in the trenches…I am not in a pulpit. Although I have been, when called to or needed. I am here with you, doing my best to be of service to us all.

Whatever and whomever, even if it starts and ends with yourself, you believe in, I respect that. Atheist, agnostic, spiritual and religious…I’m not here to tell you who you are and what to believe. I have no judgement of how you navigate your journey through this world…I really don’t.

I grew up with a knowing that I cannot explain or quantify of a power outside of myself…not higher or lower…not better or worse…just something more than me. I grew up, every Sunday in church. I was President of my youth group, I gave Sunday sermons and I served on the Area Youth Council. I wrote poetry and sermons, prayers and affirmation, drew and designed bulletins. I spent a great deal of time nurturing my relationship with my God. When I turned 18, I left the church, the church that I was born into. I left for a number of reasons…hypocrisy and judgement…ridicule for my sexuality and my life choices…repeatedly told I was going to hell…I took God with me and I left the “church” and organized religion behind me. I took what served me and I left the rest. I encourage you to do that also. Take what you need and leave here rest.

Wayne Dyer, one of my greatest inspirations and mentors said it in a way that I’ve always carried with me, and I paraphrase, not quote him in my remembrance of his writings;

To an avatar…”I will give you an orange if you show me where God is”.  The avatars response..”I will give you two oranges to show me where God is not.”

I don’t debate about this, nor do I want to defend or answer for how I feel or what I believe. I am putting this out there to give all of you some insight into who I am.

I look at Ahimsa and I hear my Mom. I see the most beautiful forest in my own back yard. I look into the eyes of my girl and our dogs…all beings…and I see God…I see an orchid (thank you B O B) or a sunflower and I didn’t create that…I don’t have that gift, and neither do you. To me, all of the beauty around me, including Tamara and you, were created by something more than me, so to me, it seems clear, that there is, in fact, without a doubt, something more. I call my higher source God. Tamara thinks of G O D as Good Orderly Direction and I agree with her wholeheartedly.

I heard a sermon when I was in high school that referenced God moving mountains. The repeated prayer that God move this mountain for me. After many unanswered prayers, the prayer turned Around,  and there was a wheelbarrow and a shovel. This has always stuck with me. Through the years, and with all of the mountains, God has always given me the wheelbarrow and the shovel and I am so, so thankful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How you move your mountains is entirely up to you. This is how I do it!

Coral does not stand alone. Coral does not do hands on healing with her own hands. Coral does not heal you. Coral is a vessel for and an instrument used to get the message out. Coral is a very flawed human being, being human, making mistakes and fucking up, just like you. Corals Mom left her earthly body and is far from dead. My Mom is right here, with me.

I love an honor people in the flesh. I love and honor those in spirit, those whom I cannot touch with my hands. I pray to and meditate with a higher source, outside of myself. I am a Reiki Master and I take seriously my energy work in love and light. I do not debate religion or politics and yet, on my blog and my pages, I put things that bring me healing, comfort and healing. I share with you, in hopes that you too, will be inspired, heal and inspire others. My opinions? Of course…you are reading my pages and my blog, right? All of those pages and all that they are…fragmented pieces of who I’ve been, who I am and who I am becoming.

I’ve absolutely no expectation of you and your beliefs. I am not here to argue or to debate. I, and my beliefs are not for everyone and hey, that’s okay, right?

So, now you know a little bit more about me and how I believe. I hope this helps! Have a beautiful day! I love you!

Please take a moment before we leave the healing room today and pray for those suffering, I’ve a dear friends Mom lifted up, as high as I can lift. I ask each of you to do what you do, whatever that is, to lift her higher, to love her more and to fill her with love and healing light. However you do it, please send her and her family all of your love, as she is in he midst of some medical stuff that needs skilled medical teams to restore her to health. Please pray with me for our sister, that she be restored to physical, mental and spiritual health. Thank you in advance my friends. I love you! Have a beautiful day!

This is my sober story…What is the DIS in your disEASE?

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Good morning my loves! I am back! Changing my stripes has definitely done wonders to heal my badly battered, hardly beating heart. I had no idea I didn’t have pain meds. I had no idea that I just overdosed and that I came a lot closer than I would like to acknowledge, to dying. I’ve no issue with dying…none at all. I won’t lie, I’ve got a different idea of how I’m leaving this world…me having a drug overdose, of any kind, has never even crossed my mind. I am a sober woman who literally just inadvertently overdosed herself on narcotic medication.

I do want to talk about how that feels for me, for just a moment, as I Segway into the healing room this morning. Being sober, especially for an alcoholic, is hard some days, at least for me it is.

For me, my experience of having a potentially near death experience, as a result of a drug overdose is incomprehensible, as I don’t do drugs. I don’t drink alcohol, and haven’t for over four years now.  I haven’t ever done drugs, illegal and not prescribed, unless I’ve used them as they were prescribed, for me. I must admit, the only way I feel that I can express to you how it feels, is really to say, that being vegan, also for over four years, that I do not eat animals. I would fucking die a little inside if I did by accident. I mean a chicken taco, instead of a jackfruit taco would fuck with my very soul. The taste of one of my dear friends, in my mouth, it would fuck me up a bit. Also, because I cannot process animals in my body anymore, it would also make me very physically sick. Our bodies learn to purge what does not belong. You already knew that though, didn’t you. So, for me, Coral, a sober woman, who has had to work at staying sober, extra hard since my Mom got sick and died on me, alcohol, a progressive disease, would probably fucking kill me, even in small doses, if I were to take a drink.  Eating a chicken would make my body sick and torment my very soul, just the same. My drug overdose has done this as well…fucked with my soul and caused me to purge, violently, what does not belong, what makes me sick and what compromises my sobriety. I ate my last animal on my little Brothers Birthday, March 9, 2014, in the form of my favorite ground beef enchiladas, my Mom always made them on the most special of occasions. My little Brothers Birthday dinner..I made a compassionate choice. I made a choice that my soul is at peace with and I am so thankful. I don’t eat animals because it makes my soul and my stomach and my heart sick.

A drug OD for anyone is their own private Hell, isn’t it? I just found out for myself…and hell may not be the word for you. For me though, as I said, I had no idea, in the moment that I was overdosing, that I had overdosed. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening but it was scary and ugly and out of control. Airplanes and giant bumble bees buzzing through my brain and poison, once pain management, coarsing through my veins. Falling and stumbling, or did I fall all the way down? Puking and shitting and holding my guts in, because the vomiting was violent and I was all stitched up inside. All over me and our bathroom, were the evidence that something went wrong. I just had no idea, none at all, for a couple of more days, post op with my surgeon, that I had in fact experienced a narcotic drug overdose. That poison, those feelings, brought back for me, many a drunken nights, where I almost died, at my own hands directly and at others hands indirectly. Our poison comes in different forms and many of you, like me, have ingested a butt load of poison, in whatever form that poison suits you, in some form or another. I didn’t stop drinking because I don’t like to drink. I did not stop eating animals because I didn’t like the way they tasted. I made choices that resonate and fit with my soul.  This drug overdose has really been a catalyst for me, in terms of changing the way I look at things, and watching the things I look at change.

Once a story about how I was wronged and what negligent behavior has done TO me, I write my story from a standpoint of what this lesson has taught me. This lesson, already turned blessing, has taught me that we are all just walking each other home. We are all practicing our crafts. We are all, whether we know it or not, whether we like it or not and whether we believe it or not, a mirror for one another. We must be conscious and we must be aware, and we must hold hands and love each other through our trials and tribulations. We must be the change we wish to see in the world. We cannot say the words and not invest in the time and the blood and the sweat and the tears of actually being in action, doing the work.

I take this experience and I turn it into a beautiful gift for us all. We all have much to learn. We all have much to teach.  This experience has inspired me to share my sober story with all of you. My story, for us all to learn and grow from. I gift my story, and a piece of my journey with you now. I extend my hand, outstretched toward you, if you are on a similar journey now and need a hand. I have gone from being anonymous to being wide open and available to you, so please reach if you need to. I am right here.

Days where things have gone particularly bad, I would love to have me a few beers. Damn straight…and I don’t ever use the word “straight”….days when things go really good, of course I want to go celebrate and tie a few on! My sobriety is because I am sick, not because I do not like the taste or the feel or the social interactions of alcohol. I fucking love me some beer…okay, okay, I love me almost ALL beer. Beer, for me, my very dearest and closest friend, my confidant, my medicine…my drug of choice. My go to in the good times and more so in the great times. My escort to every social event or engagement. My date to every outing. My go to in the bad times and more so in my worst of times. My pain management for all things physical and emotional. For all things real…to real..and way too hard to handle, alcohol carried me through. Alcohol was my courage and my rock. Alcohol was my mask and my laughter. I did not stop drinking alcohol because I didn’t like it. I stopped drinking alcohol because one evening, supporting a dear friend, going through a very difficult time, I went to an AA meeting, my first AA meeting ever, on my way to happy hour. I paused, to support someone I loved, on my way to happy hour, in to an AA meeting that I shall never forget. We met two of her friends there, I met these beautiful ladies for the first time. One woman was many years sober, like my friend. One woman did not drink at all. “What the fuck do I say when they get to me?” I asked her, very nervous and more ready than ever for some fucking happy hour. To which she replied, “Just say, ‘My name is Coral and I am a friend of AA”. Easy enough, right? Easy peasy…then why was I shaking and sweating and nervous and wanting to get the fuck up out of there? I did not know. I truly did not know. I’ll tell you what though…it sure as hell was getting to be my turn pretty soon. I was nervous and sweating and rehearsing in my head…”My name is Coral and I am a friend of AA”…I can fucking do this. Fuck….fuck, fuck, fuck…it is already my turn. Fuck. My friend put her hand on my leg and gave me the “you can do it, nod. You know that nod, right?) I can fucking do this. My name is Coral, and I am an alcoholic”….What in the fuck just happened? That was not at all what I had been rehearsing. Fuck! What in the hell did I just say? Why am I convulsing a bit inside myself? Why did the whole fucking world just disappear, and where the fuck did it go? For Christ’s sake…I just said my lines wrong!!! Fuck! I don’t get a do over…I said it wrong. My friend put her hand in my sweaty and shaking hand. There were no words, just a crushed Oreo cookie, and lots of sweat and shaking going on.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I never made it to happy hour that night. I never went to happy hour again. I realized in that God-gifted moment, that I was not well. Not consciously….I damn near went down. I didn’t know how my life was about to change. I didn’t know that AA meetings and iced tea would replace Happy hour and my beloved beer. I didn’t know my friends circles would change and shift so drastically and in some cases, even disappear entirely. I had no way of knowing, being an alcoholic, since before I can even truly remember, like before I could even speak at all, that I was sick. I didn’t know that I needed help. The moment I realized I was indeed an alcoholic, I set it down. I said I am done. I fucking meant it. I am still an alcoholic. I am sick and DISeased. I have made a choice as to how I have to manage my sickness…the only way I can…I have to not drink alcohol, at all. i have to not be in the presence of alcohol very much at all. It’s not you…it truly is me. If you are drinking more than a drink or two, I cannot and will not be there.  It’s not because I don’t want to hang out with you. No, you see it’s not that at all. What it is, is…I want what you are having. I can’t just have what you are having and be okay, so I don’t go. I also have the DISease of more and one drink is never enough for me. I don’t go hang out anymore because, as an admitted alcoholic and a committed sober woman, I am no longer at home, in the presence of things I love and cannot have. Not when my world blew out and I lost everything, not when I didn’t have any money, not when I lost my house, not when I sat in the room with my family and realized that my Mom was dying and not when my Mom died. Not when my baby brother whose Mom just died also, turned 40 and threw a bash. Not when I’ve had my worst days. Not when I’ve had my best days. I am Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Is everyone ready to head into the healing room? Does everyone have their coffee hot and ready to go? Okay then, grab my hand and let’s go!

I am Coral and I am an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease. Dis-Ease…for me anyway…I spell mine like this…DISease and here is why:

…dissed with ease, over and over and over again. Disconnected. Disenchanted and disenchanting. Distanced and distant. Discombobulated. Discomfort. Disappointed and disappointing. Disturbing and disturbed. Disrupted and disruptive. Discharged and charging. Disorders piling up on top of one another and Delusions. Dismissed and Dismissive. Disbanded in Death a time or two and nearly dead a thousand times more. Disheartened and broken hearted. Disbelieving. Disgusted and disgusting. Discussed a lot and discussing. Disdained and disdainful. Diseased. Disfigured and dismembered bit by bit. Disorder. Disorganized. Disinterested. Displayed and displaying. Disposable and disposing. Disappointed (did I already say that?) and disappointing. Disarmed and disarming. Dissolving. Disappearing. Dissent. Distracted and distracting. Distended. Distorted and distorting. Distant. Disused and misused, and used. Discouraged. Disowned. Disbelief. I am Coral and I am an alcohol and these words help me to define the DIS in my Disease.

As for the ease part of Coral’s disEASE…there really wasn’t lot of ease. Alcohol gave me the illusion that I desperately needed, of easy and easy…manageable and tolerable…OK and fine.

Merrium Webster’s medical definition of disease is as follows: “an impairment of the normal state of the living animal or plant body or one of its parts that interrupts or modifies the performance of the vital functions, is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms, and is a response to environmental factors (as malnutrition, industrial hazards, or climate), to specific infective agents (as worms, bacteria, or viruses), to inherent defects of the organism (as genetic anomalies), or to combinations of these factors.”

First learned in terms of a plant or an organism, for me, in middle school science class, which I detested, by the way. Required to participate. Replicated in pitre dishes and glass tubes in lab class. I go back and read it now, and I put me in all of the spaces where I envisioned a diseased plant. Apply the words to you. What is the DIS in your DISease?

Whether we like it and whether we are truly able to admit it or not, we all have DISease. We each have something that causes at least some of the feelings that I felt. Depressed and dismissed. We get stuck there when we stay there for too long, don’t we? Our DISease, whatever it is, it is ours to manage, to battle and to feel, to fight and to struggle with…whatever it is…it is our demon and we must slay it alone. We cannot do it for each other and we cannot do it because of one another either. We must reach for those who will help us to navigate our new and uncharted terrain. We must feel fight like hell on some days and bask in our sobriety on others. DISease is not a one size fits all situation, and my remedy won’t be yours. My salvation comes differently than yours will, and just like our stripes…Our diseases are different shapes and colors. We are all just walking each other home.

I want you to know that I am here. I really, really am. I put some hard stuff out there and I’m a tiny stick of dynamite with the power to ignite the world, and with the willingness and the resilience to light us and lift us all up.

I take my hard stuff and I lay it raw and open and unedited for you, so that we can unwrap together, our packages, examine their contents…take what we need, be thankful for it all and to leave the rest.

I know that a huge part of my calling (just came to me in this moment) is to take the ugly and allow it to be as ugly as it needs to be, for as long as it needs to be, and to be silent until I can internally process it and deliver both the story and a remedy for us all, of some kind. I’ve tried to do that and I will be more diligent moving forward, to always close the hard stuff with he good stuff.  I love you and I am so glad you keep coming back.

Please take hands everyone and let us say the Serenity Prayer together this morning, before we head out into the world;

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Good morning from the healing room! I will meeting you in Rumi’s field….

 

98999F5E-8ABF-4B04-9CF8-BE540ADD8F92.jpegGood morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I hope your day is off to a great start already. I am feeling better every day and excited to be able to ease back into my life slowly over the next four weeks.

Welcome to our healing room! I hope you’ve got your coffee ready, because we’ve got some good stuff this morning!

Given my level of anxiety around my life’s recent events and my emotions running high, I have struggled. Yesterday that struggle became too much and I reached out, in several areas of my life for some help. I knew I was overwhelmed and unable to gain traction and momentum again. I was at a seemingly unrecoverable low.

I reached first to Tamara. Seeing me struggle so has been so hard for us both. We agreed that I needed to use my therapy time yesterday to ask for some help, and so I did. I reached out to get some answers and they are coming. I will update more thoroughly later, as I know more. For now though, I am content in the knowing that I am okay. Everything I have seen on my results so far has not been cancer! For me, that’s really a lot of the fear piece, after my Mom died so unexpectedly and suddenly from cancer.  So many people that I know and love have battled, in one way or another, cancer. I am much relieved to have not heard the word cancer in anything so far, from any of my test results, and I am so thankful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

What do we do when something is scary for us? How do we walk through our fears, without escalating to them and with them? How do we hold our fear in reverence and regard, to make it manageable again? How the fuck, so we adult when our inner two year old is coming out screaming and crying and completely broken? How do we help the world to help us, when we cannot find a way to help ourselves?

Todays blog is about how do we help ourselves, so that we can heal ourselves? We must, you know? We must all do our due diligence to begin to wrestle our own fears. We must begin to slay our own demons. We must fight these little fights within us and start putting out the tiny fires all around us. To be the change, the change that people can really count on, we must change ourselves inside out, and we must change us first.

In doing my own self inventory, it has become abundantly clear, that change begins with me. I believe that my Psyche is just as fractured as my body. My body is healing nicely, and I am so grateful. My psyche is cracked as fuck and just look at all if the places the light has to enter me! Rumi says this, so eloquently: “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” I fucking love Rumi! Anyone else? Rumi was gifted to me many years ago. The gift of Rumi has been one of my most cherished gifts, as Rumi’s words always ignite my soul.

My favorite Rumi quote is;

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.”

This quote, for me, has always said that no matter how bad is has been, how far away it is…whatever and whoever is is…there is a field, and when we meet again in that field, and I will meet you there. When we meet in that field, the right and the wrongs, all of the fuck ups and wrong words, they won’t matter anymore. In this field, where we come back together, after journeying separately, we will all be home! Did I say that I fucking love Rumi? My book of Rumi, a Birthday gift from someone I hope to meet in that very field someday, reminds me of what I believe to my core and what Ram Dass so eloquently says when he reminds us that we are all just walking each other home.

Rumi says, “the door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep.” Don’t go back to sleep. Waking up is hard work. Waking up is lots of things…and different and personal to each of us…don’t go back to sleep you guys! Don’t go back to sleep!

As I begin to awaken, I cannot help but see how asleep I have been. I cannot help but knowing that I have not been resting well, and yet, I have been sleeping…I have had my eyes open, and yet I assure you, I have not been completely awake.

As I awaken to a world…as I awaken a world…as I open, I invite you to join me. We are here, coffee in hand, and we have work to do. We are here, hand in hand and we must stick together. This is not red rover…I want you to break through. Come running toward me, with all you’ve got. We will not clasp hands to see if we can keep you out…we join hands together so that we may cushion your blow when you come crashing in. You will come crashing in, you know? You will awaken and you will come running like hell to this field, a field where out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, the soul lies down in that grass and the world is too full to talk about. I will meet each of you someday, in this field. I am already in this field with many of you, and I thank you for that, as the world is too big and too hard and too unforgiving to run into the arms or red rover, isn’t it? We will not run, with all of our might, with people. Joining hands tight, to keep us out, desperately trying to break through. If you are running toward this field to geeet us, you will be welcomed with open arms. We are waiting for you and we welcome you and embrace you and we love you so, so much! Don’t stop running towards us because as far away as we appear to be, we are right here and we’ve got you! Meet me in the field and let’s lie down in that grass together, where the world is too full to talk about, where it is just you and me, and no words are needed at all. Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, I will meet you there!

Go grab yourself another cup of coffee and I will grab mine and meet up in the living room with my girl and Benny, to have our morning cup together. I want to tell you that I am so glad you are here! I am so, so glad you are here! Have a beautiful day, you beautiful sou! I will meet you in Rumi’s field!

Can we forgive them for that too?

Good evening everyone! I tried to reach a lot of you personally tonight, just to say I love you. For those of you I didn’t reach personally, I love you.

I am saying a prayer for us all, that we may know true forgiveness in our hearts. My life has transformed miraculously, as I am learning how to forgive. There is nothing in this world worth being upset over or holding onto. Nothing. Withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to fall over dead in front of you. We have all heard that, right? Think about how true that is. We forgive to free ourselves from the bondage that denying forgiveness holds us in. We shackle ourselves with every thing that we cannot let go of. We harm ourselves, on top of already being harmed, because we don’t know how to forgive others. We don’t know how to forgive ourselves. Rather than learning how to do that, we just don’t forgive. We don’t let go. We don’t know how and we are somehow okay with that. We can change that, you know? We have a choice.

Why am I writing like a mad woman? Why am I unable to and unwilling to stop being the change I wish to see? So you want to know why? Because it’s working!!!! Look at us, in this healing room…look around you…we are doing this! We are turning the tide, you and I…we are the love!

We must not dive into the abyss of negativity and blame and stay there indefinitely. We must dive in and we must do what we need to do, and stay as long as we need to stay, and then we need to forgive it all, without discretion, and let that shit go. All of it. I fucking dare you, to let it all go! You know my laundry list…all of it…everyone on it…let it go and with all of your heart, forgive. No matter who and no matter what and no matter why…for your own sake, let it go. Forgive the most unforgivable and you will begin to break those shackles. Don’t take my word for it, ever. I always challenge you to do your work, however that looks. Take the worst thing that ever happened to you…the absolute worst thing. Pull that into your heart and hold it there. Better yet, here’s an exercise, just shared with me this evening by one of my readers. With permission, I repost this exactly as I received it. Here it is:

One last thing before I go. It’s something a guru taught me at this retreat I attended in LA. I think your readers can use. He spoke about when you are feeling emotions you are uncomfortable with you should take a bath. But this is an “Emotional bath”. You sit in the tub and think of what you need to work through. Example: you are mad at your partner. They didn’t understand your feelings and it bothers you. Now it’s time to go to bed and you don’t want to feel the anger anymore and sleep. Start filling up the tub while you feel that anger. When tub filled up(water represents ANGER) STEW in it. Feel all those thoughts. It can be 10 minutes it can be hours(I have refilled a tub a time or two😉). When you are ready to let anger go for the night, start releasing water(ANGER). When water is out that is all you can go for today and it allows you to sleep.

Let us all wash ourselves clean! Let us all gift ourselves and each other some forgiveness. The very, very worst thing…go and get it and bring it back here to the circle with the rest of us. Dig deep and go big…bring me the ugliest and the worst that you’ve got, all of that ugly junk up in your trunk. Lay it on me. You did it. It was done to you. Makes no difference, because only you know and only you need to know, what and who and how…and don’t go too deep there either. Don’t rip this wound open again…just got straight into your center and pull out the one thing you can’t let go of, or two or three or ten things. Bring them all and let’s circle back up, because we have some healing to do.

Is everyone ready? One at a time, and will all of your heart, bring yours up to me and set it down next to mine. Everyone, respectfully, and In no specific order, go ahead and come up.

Okay, everyone stand in a circle and put down what you brought, all of it, on the ground before your feet. Now everyone take one step to the left. Stand there and stop for a second and see how that feels. Better? Worse? One more time, three steps to the right and stop again. Stand there and tell me how that feels. Anything? Okay, last time, 17 steps to your left, everyone go slowly now. Stop again and we will stay in place. From here, everyone pick up what is in front of you, with no attachment what so ever, and bring it to their fire pit that I built for us. One by one and right on time, gently place yours in the fire. When you are done, we walk away in silence. We walk away in gratitude and we walk away for good, from that which no longer serves us.

With this, I will close the circle with a prayer of substantial and monumental healing for us all this evening. And so it is.

Your sins…my sins…their sins…they are all in there, rising back up in smoke, from the smoldering ashes, to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. All together now, taking each other’s hands…repeat after me…”Please forgive me. Thank you, I’m sorry. I love you.” Say it over and over and over again, in whatever order, from now until eternity…and don’t take my word for it…you can look it up…never mind…I got you!

Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients–without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate’s chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person’s illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.

When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane? It didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t logical, so I dismissed the story. However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho ‘oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn’t let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more. I had always understood “total responsibility” to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it’s out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We’re responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does. The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility. His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call. I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist. He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. That ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit. Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal. “After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely,” he told me. “Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being released were being freed.” I was in awe. “Not only that,” he went on, “but the staff began to enjoy coming to work. Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work. Today, that ward is closed.” This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: “What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?” “I was simply healing the part of me that created them,” he said. I didn’t understand. Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life – simply because it is in your life–is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation. Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life. This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy–anything you experience and don’t like–is up for you to heal. They don’t exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn’t with them, it’s with you, and to change them, you have to change you. I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho ‘oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone–even a mentally ill criminal–you do it by healing you. I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients’ files? “I just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ over and over again,” he explained. That’s it? That’s it. Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, your improve your world. Let me give you a quick example of how this works: one day, someone sent me an email that upset me. In the past I would have handled it by working on my emotional hot buttons or by trying to reason with the person who sent the nasty message. This time, I decided to try Dr. Len’s method. I kept silently saying, “I’m sorry” and “I love you,” I didn’t say it to anyone in particular. I was simply evoking the spirit of love to heal within me what was creating the outer circumstance. Within an hour I got an e-mail from the same person. He apologized for his previous message. Keep in mind that I didn’t take any outward action to get that apology. I didn’t even write him back. Yet, by saying “I love you,” I somehow healed within me what was creating him. I later attended a ho ‘oponopono workshop run by Dr. Len. He’s now 70 years old, considered a grandfatherly shaman, and is somewhat reclusive. He praised my book, The Attractor Factor. He told me that as I improve myself, my book’s vibration will raise, and everyone will feel it when they read it. In short, as I improve, my readers will improve. “What about the books that are already sold and out there?” I asked. “They aren’t out there,” he explained, once again blowing my mind with his mystic wisdom. “They are still in you.” In short, there is no out there. It would take a whole book to explain this advanced technique with the depth it deserves. Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you. “When you look, do it with love.”

An excerpt from Joe Vitale

I just do not have it today…

Good morning everyone. I am really struggling and not sure how much I’ve got today. The dark cloud that loomed over my life has somehow gotten much darker. I don’t have words…any words…for the place that I am in.

I know that with pain like this and an upcoming surgery, I must find a way to take care of myself. I must put me first. I don’t know how to do that, and so I struggle. My heart is literally crushed into a million pieces and I just cannot make any sense of it all.

Today, I humbly ask you all for love and prayers…strength and courage…love and light…healing energy and good vibes. I look around me at the rubble of my past and I cannot seem to breathe at all or to use my legs, at all, to get out. A constant flood of tears for a little life so badly and brutally attacked and battered, that the adult who survived it all is struggling to stand upright today.

I know my journey has been difficult for a lot of people, as it has opened up some old wounds for us all. I want you to know that I get it and I am sorry for any pain this has brought upon you. My journey is proving to be very difficult for me too, as dark corners illuminate and secrets find their way into the open. As bad as it was, it has gotten worse…as much as it hurt, it hurts on a level I’ve never known. I am literally rendered speechless and without too many words, and so I close today in solidarity…I remain in silence, deep within myself, until I can find my words again.

We are all just walking each other home and I thank you for being here. I believe in the good things coming and I am so blessed for all that I have. Today though, I am in deep, equivocal mourning. Today, I turn inward and hold space for myself, in the safety of my own introspection and reflection, until I regain the strength to navigate my world. I hold the same space and offer the same love to each of you.

I hope you have a beautiful weekend planned and that you are surrounded by love.  I love you.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

A post of love and light, baby calf’s and bunnies…(by special request)

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Good morning everyone! I am taking a rest from the darkness today. I stand in solidarity for Sam and for all survivors of childhood abuse. I send my love to all affected by my posts lately, as I am learning, my story on my blog, is a shared story and not mine alone. I will continue to share my story, as my heart is able and inspired to do so.  I will encourage and support others sharing their stories when they are ready. I will be here for you, should you choose to call upon me.

For today, I am going to share stories of baby cows and bunnies. Donkeys and baby goats…pigs in mud holes and chickens loving  life…ducks quacking their afternoons away and roosters crowing…dogs bathing in the sun and kitties in the window on their dog beds…an audible goose and some amazing guinea hens. Today, I write about the good stuff, that only comes because we have known the bad stuff.

You know that right? We can’t have the highs without the lows or the good without the bad, the pleasure without the pain. We cannot experience ecstasy if we have never experienced depression. We all have to know that the very best often comes from having survived the very worst.

So, go grab your morning coffee and think about the one thing that you are most grateful for and the person who loves you the most.  If you are like me, there are so many, I will have a hard time just picking one. So, for this morning, just pick one…that loves you the most, that you are really are grateful for…one  that you know has helped you to become the person you are today. Maybe it’s a teacher or a student…a Mom or a Dad…a sibling or a child…a husband or a wife…a dog or a donkey…someone still living or someone no longer living…no matter, just choose one and meet me back here with your morning coffee.

Alrighty then…here we all are, coffee in hand and our one thing we are most grateful for…the person who loves us the most. Does everyone have one in mind? Okay, with all of your might, close your eyes for a moment and envision them sitting right next to you. Picture them right here, having morning coffee with you today. What do you notice? Are they happy to see you? Do you feel happy seeing them? Sit with this feeling for a few moments and really soak them in…I mean, touch them, smell them, really look at them…who do you see? What do you want to say? I know you’ve been holding it and now is your chance to say whatever you have been wanting to say. What do their eyes look like? How do you feel when you look into their eyes? Does their voice sound exactly how you remember it? And they have something to say to you, something you’ve waited an eternity to hear…what does it feel like, right now, to hear it? Whatever it is that you’ve been dying to hear…how does it feel hearing it, in their voice, from their lips? Does it feel like you thought it would feel to hear what you’ve needed to hear for so, so long?

This visitor comes only in love and light. No matter how turbulent or impossible, civil conversation may seem…on this day, right now, I am opening a portal for you to receive a message, from the one you are most grateful for, in neutrality and complete peace. You must be completely open also, or it will not work. You must believe with all of your heart, or the portal cannot open. With that being said, I want you to really soak them in, let them fill you up and inspire you. I want you to open yourself to them being here with you right now, giving you what you need, to fuel your journey. What words bring you comfort and peace? What vision softens your heart and allows you to love and be loved? Who, in all of the world, do you feel close enough to, do you love and trust enough, to allow yourself this healing? Who loves you the most and what would hey say to you right now?

What do you want to ask them? What have you been dying to ask them for so, so long? Ask them now. Whatever it is, look into their eyes and ask them right now, whatever you have longed to know…go ahead and ask. It’s okay…I’m right here and I’ve got you…go ahead and ask. Nothing to fear here…nothing stopping you or interrupting you from this moment…this moment that you have prayed for and needed for so long. Remember, this is the person that you chose, the person you are most grateful for…and they feel the same way about you, in this moment, so ask whatever it is, and open your heart as wide as you can for their answer. Go big on this one my friends, and let’s open that heart up as wide and as big as we can, to prepare for our answer, to a question we’ve been dying to know, for so long. Are your hearts open as wide as they will go? One more deep breath and open a bit more because we want to be WIDE open for this. Is everyone open and ready to receive? Are you your widest open that you’ve ever been, ever? Okay…with our hearts open wide and our deepest question posed to the person that we are most grateful for…put your coffee cup down and sit back in your chair…take a few deep and intentioned breaths and relax…envision their face, their eyes, their smell, their voice.

Are you completely open and relaxed, sitting right next to them? Are you ready to receive their love and their answer to your question? With everything in you, are you open to healing of this magnitude? Are you ready for unconditional love and light to flood over you and to ignite your spirit? Are you going to allow yourself this healing, waiting on the other side of this portal? This portal is a heart portal, using my own heart energy to open and allow passage between the two of you. Each of you now has the ability to open your own portal. Some of you will and some of you won’t. As always, take what you need and leave the rest. And so it is.

I chose this meditation this morning for all of us, because I know that we are weary and exhausted and that we need some fuel. We know we must keep moving forward and yet we are fucking weary, aren’t we?

If you are so inclined, put your hand over your heart and open your portal now, to receive whatever it is you need from the person you love the most, the person you are most grateful for. Allow that to flow freely and to fill you up, to overflow you and to ignite your soul! Open that valve all the way and let’s flood our hearts with what we need, with what feels good to nourish our souls…let it all in…let that little light shine my friends! Do you feel it?! Keep on filling and keep on smiling…keep on loving and keep that heart open, because we’ve huge work to do. We must prepare a place for all of the good things coming our way. Keep on filling until you truly cannot fit anymore, anywhere…go ahead…you can add some more. How are you feeling? Keep on filling….

Okay…how was that? Are you feeling better yet? Are you energized and ready to go out there and to love and to be loved? Me too! I am ready… I am so ready!!!

Happy Thursday everyone! With our hearts wide open, with our love goggles on and our tanks full…let’s go spread some love today!!!! I love you! You know that, right? I do. I love you!

An open letter from the Scapegoats to the Abusers…

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Good morning everyone! I am still smiling from my visit with my beautiful cousin Regina. I am overjoyed to look out and see Karuna and Ahimsa finally together! I am so blessed to wake up and share this amazing life with my beautiful girl and all of these amazing sentient beings. I am gathering my own tribe and we are rising up. My surgery is in a couple of weeks and so my pain can finally be addressed. I am so blessed and so thankful. I am honoring my commitment to myself in my writing and I’m coming in out of the pain of my life a bit.

With that being said, I’ve a letter in my head, that I’ve wanted to write for a very long time and I always thought I was a single scapegoat in this hell. This letter is not singular…this letter is to all of the abusers, from all of the scapegoats, in your family, in your life… and in mine. We rise up and will not be silenced any longer about things that really matter.

My writing has one purpose and one purpose only…to facilitate healing, to release what does not serve me and to offload what is not mine to carry. I am here, walking each other home, just like you are. I want peace just like you do. I want to be safe and secure and loved, just like you do. I want my life to matter, just like you do. I don’t do mean and bully. I don’t drink alcohol anymore, and I won’t be in close proximity to those who do. This isn’t about judgement, as much as it is about self preservation.

My tribe, the people I am choosing to be around…they are all sacred and beautiful to me. You don’t have to love them like I do, and you won’t be unloving to them or about them in my presence either. I will not stand by and allow for injustice any longer, because I am afraid to speak. I will not accept behavior from anyone that harms someone else. If you have something to say, please say it. Don’t ask other people to hold for you, to deliver  your messages, to do your dirty work, to keep things secret…do it yourself. Asking others to not say something to so and so, because why? What is all of that? Just fucking say it…whatever it is, to whomever it is, about whatever it is, and let’s be fucking done with it, shall we? Truly, think about it…whatever you are holding, that you’ve just been dying to fucking say to someone…I mean really, really dying to say to someone…just say it! We would all feel much better if you would just get it off your chest so we can all offload it…Are you willing to do that? Are you willing to pick up the phone and to have that really difficult conversation, so that all of us don’t have to walk on eggshells around you all if the fucking time? I am ready and I am willing and I am going to share my letter with you now. Maybe you will find this letter helpful, as a template of your own, to go and do some healing in your own life? I hope so…I really do! So, go grab yourself another cup of coffee and let’s do this!

I begin this morning by offering up a prayer of protection and safety for us all. I channel a white light from source, through the center of my heart, as a protection portal for us all, so that we may be authentic and real and true, and not be harmed for it. I offer up the same prayer of protection for all of those we love and hold sacred, that they may also be protected from any harm or backlash from our bravery to stand up. I cover us all in love and courage and humility, so that we may openly speak our hearts and share our stories. I send this love and this protection to the abused and to the abusers as well, as we all try to come together to come clean and heal together. We are all just walking each other home and so I pray for enlightenment, healing, courage and serenity for us all. I lift every single one of us up, in prayer and love overflowing, to experience substantial healing from our willingness to open up and come clean, to open up and be cleansed…and so it is.

Dear people who hurt me and people hurt by me,

My name is Coral and I have been wrong. I come before you today to tell you that…I have been wrong. I come and ask forgiveness for my shortcomings and my failure, for not knowing what I didn’t know, until I knew it. I have learned who I am and how to be from some people that taught me stuff I don’t chose to take with me anymore. For those I have harmed along the way, partners, friends, family members, animals, children…Mother, Father, Little Brother…cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers…second cousins, ex-wife, ex-girlfriends, Tamara, Regina, Sigrid…anyone I may have bullied or teased or made fun of…laughed at or ignored completely…step-children, teachers, coaches….I stand before you now and I tell you that I have been wrong.  I ask your forgiveness and I offer you mine. I forgive myself for all things, even if you cannot find a way, yourself, to forgive me. I finally forgive me anyway.

To those who kept me in dark corners and to those who saw me go in those corners afraid, and did nothing at all, I forgive you. I don’t understand how you have been able to watch children get bullied and taunted and teased, all to the point of terror and fear, and do nothing at all. I forgive you, and yet I cannot understand you.  How were you able to be standing on the other side of closed doors, hearing what you heard, and not break the door down and kill the adult, hurting the child  on the other side, is completely beyond me?

I ask everyone to stand with me for a moment in solidarity, remembering the life of Victoria Martens. I ask each of you to send love and light, awareness and healing to the beautiful little girl who lost her life and the family who took that life. We must realize that we all must heal, in order for true healing and peace in this world. Victoria, May God rest  her sweet little soul, lost her little life because of some very sick people.  I am here to tell you, until we get care about getting them well, until we love them too, we will all stay sick to some degree. I know you don’t want to hear it and yet, you already know it to be true…we cannot be discriminate in our love and our love must be unconditional, if we are ever to truly heal ourselves, to heal our world, to grow and prosper.

We have been the victims of some heinous crimes. We have been on the receiving end of some torture and abuse that most people cannot fathom. We have been touched in untouched places, that took not only our innocence, our virginity and our concept of self worth, but also our ability to be as we would have been, untainted by your sick mind and your grubby, greedy little hands. We don’t know what we might have been doing if we weren’t used as little props to get your Dick hard while your forced us to sit on your lap, look at your pornography, listen to you disrespect women and children, and even each other. We aren’t sure why we don’t remember anything other than how we got there and being back…where did all of the time in between go? Why do we remember being dropped off at your house and yet we remember nothing else, absolutely nothing else…because it literally went black, and it’s missing? For us, the black and fuzzy is becoming colorful and clear and we are sick to our stomachs. We are all remembering and we aren’t going to be silent anymore. We know we aren’t alone and we know that we aren’t lying. We know what you did and we are damn well going to say so. We are sorry you are sick and we are here to tell you to get some help. We want you to get some help, for us all…go and get yourself some fucking help, for God’s sake!

Look at what you have done man! Look at what you have done. You cannot, ever, no matter what, undo it…you just can’t go back and make what you did not have happened. You might start by not doing it anymore, but you dont, do you? You don’t stop…you have hurt many others, besides me, haven’t you? The hell that replays in my mind, in my relationships, in my battle with my own addiction and my own demons…that reel doesn’t just play over and over for me, does it? Does anyone else in my family have the same reel playing, in the deepest and darkest place in the darkest corners, over and over again? Do you? Does your family have a film that everyone has been forced to watch over and over and over again, that made everyone sick and uncomfortable?

Those of us who have been packing in and out with all of your shit for all of these years, are tired. We are fucking exhausted, carrying your packs and your demons and your shame…your secrets and your filthy alcohol tainted breath. We don’t want you touching us. Is that clear to you, I mean really clear? Do not touch our kids or our grandkids or their kids. You keep your filthy hands off of our children and keep your dick in your pants and your alcohol to yourself…we are rising up and you will not hurt our children. Are we abundantly clear? We are watching you and we will not stand for you hurting our children the way that you have hurt us. We will protect our children and you will stand the fuck down. Statute of limitations may or may not have run out for all of us, but the mother fucking clock is ticking now, the security cameras are on and we are watching your every move. Sherry is on our side now, and from where she is standing, she will be our protector, and you will not harm children anymore. You harmed Sherry’s children and the children that Sherry loves so much and you are being called out…you are on notice and you are finished here.

We have taken your packs and your demons and your guilt and your shame and your sin and we have placed them on the ground in front of us. All of your packs, every single one of them, off of our backs and sitting at your feet. Pick them up. Leave them there. We don’t care. Just be clear, as we all join hands together, that we stand together and we set this shit down right now…we will not pass this way again.

We are not scapegoats. We are beautiful souls, with soaring spirits and open hearts. We were not destroyed by you. In fact, we are more than we might have been, because you busted us so fucking wide open, that we had no choice but to learn to grow by ourselves. We are beautiful and we are resilient and we stand hand in hand with each other now, and we send you on your way with your packs. You can take your wife too, the one who enabled you. You can take the kids, the ones who you destroyed by teaching them to be unaccountable like you, and you may all leave this place. You don’t want to be here, where we are…you’ve always been clear about that; your disdain for us, our lifestyles, haircuts, outfits and mouths…so please go ahead and go. We don’t want you here with us either and we never have. Adults don’t belong in kids forts and kids beds and in kids play time…and yet, there you were, weren’t you? Playing house, for real with your sisters daughter….and I am fucked up?

So, you all have your packs and we all have our lives back and I believe we are done here, at least for today. We will be checking the security footage on all of the cameras and we have placed extra security around the children. We are watching you and you are finished. You can stand down on your own and right yourself on your own, or we will be back to help you to be accountable. Make no mistake, we are not alone and we are silent no more, about things important to us. We are watching you and we are watching each other and we now have people watching us and we rise up!

This concludes our letter for today. This letter was just to let you know that we know what you have done, what you continue to do, and we are not liars and misfits and losers…we are beautiful people, rising from the ashes of the hell you ignited on top of us from the moment you laid eyes on us. We are here and we are not alone. We come in peace and we have our knives at our sides. We will not, for any reason, ever again, be reduced, discarded or ignored. We are here and we have as much right to be here as you do. As we rise up, we invite you do the same. We encourage you to rise up too. We want you to rise up too. We lift you up. With all of that being said, be very clear, that if you don’t rise with us, you will fall beside us, because we aren’t going down again. Very literally, I will not go down again. Am I abundantly clear, so that we can begin to move forward together? We rise up! We hold hands and join our hearts and we rise up! You have all seen our descent…now watch our rising!