Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I am sitting in reflective space right now and learning to adjust myself without being reactive. Sitting in the pain without uttering a word. Absorbing the shock of it all with no fall out. It all just is. “It is what it is.” That’s a Sherry lesson all in itself. Fuck I hated when my mom said this to me. It felt so insensitive and shallow and weak as I hated hearing it. I’m not a huge fan of hearing it now either, if I may be totally honest. And yet, it always ever only is, what it is. It can never really be anything else, other than what it is, can it? It is what it is indeed, isn’t it? Whatever it is…it is what is it, isn’t it? So, it would appear that Sherry is here to bestow some wisdom upon me this morning, as I learn to keep it in and not break apart. No need to blow yourself completely open she says…because will it change anything if you do? What has been done and said has been done and said and I feel how I feel inside. Nothing changes that. Speaking of how I feel does not change it and keeping how I feel inside doesn’t change it either. What will change it is how you look at it she insists. Change the way you look at it Coral and it will change. Accept it for what it is and stop fighting it. Change your relationship to it. Change the way you view it and feel it and perceive it. AND, you don’t have to talk it out or be heard or be witnessed in your pain. This pain is for you. You called it to you to evolve and grow you and you need it to strength train in your soul gym. Could this be the “Precious Pain” that Melissa Etheridge sings about? Is this the “House of Pain” that Faster Pussycat crones about in their 80s tune? This pain that Sherry says I call to be my teacher….this pain isn’t precious and there is more than house full of it. All of the “it is what it is” in the world doesn’t help me right now with this boatload of fucking pain that I can’t seem to jump ship from. Pain is your teacher Coral. Pain is the lesson and the blessing. Stop crying about it and continue your education already.
I can see that Sherry is not in an arms wide open, let me hold you space this morning. I could use some holding more than scolding right now. And so I know, as history has taught me…you’re not here to be held. You are here to learn. And so I crack open my decompression book and try to locate my pen so I can set myself up for some higher learning this morning. Anyone else care to take this lesson I with me? Not the most inviting morning topic and me without my coffee…okay Sherry, let’s have it!
The place you are stuck in is your own mind. The thoughts you have around you are your blankets. The companions on your journey are your thoughts…make them kinder and gentler and softer. Stop crucifying yourself and everyone else with your thoughts. Don’t let anyone destroy you with their thoughts either. We all think. We all have that. A place where we can be alone and sort and try to make sense…all ours and untainted until we speak. Once we speak, the chaos inside comes outside with us and we can’t sort anymore. Now there are just piles of words that we wish we had kept as blankets in our beds. We can’t put the words back in and now we have to figure out what to do with them. There are different piles of words. Stupid words and angry words and hurtful and shallow words…deep and jagged words and piles upon piles of them everywhere. A conversation here and half of a conversation there, that I can never pick up again. It’s a fucking barren field, a lonely cemetery of words that will never go back in and who have no place to go. These words are all of the words that no one ever wants. This cemetery is full of words waiting to be buried that are too big for death holes. Grave diggers don’t dig holes big enough for the words I’ve used that I can’t take back. And Sherry is. not wrong, ever, I guess that it all really is what it is, isn’t it?
I guess I grew up slowly or maybe I’m just more like Peter Pan, I don’t think I’m here to grow up at all too much. I’ll die younger than we thought I would, with so much life left in me yet. With so much left to offer, I shall perish. Hopefully, I shall leave here full of all of the jagged, angry, ugly and unnecessary words that we all left in the boneyard. Maybe I can gather them all up while I’m still here and take them with me when I go, so that no one else has to stand here feeling this way about the things that come out that never go back in. Maybe I can clean this up for all of us and leave the world better than I found it. At the very least, I will stop putting words out there that no one wants. I will stop letting words out that no one can digest or get back in. Sherry says that this is the only way to begin to address the boneyard that I stand in, full of words I ought to keep to myself.
And so this morning, I’m not trying to find the words. I’m not searching for a way to express how I feel. I’m not doing much at all except for not even writing some notes, while sitting in Sherry’s classroom of higher spiritual learning. I guess I just am. Siting here with my Peter Pan wings all crumpled up and bent, trying to scrub these fucking tear stains off of my ugly little face, trying not to cry some more…I just want to be alone with my words. Both the words inside that I won’t say and all of the ones outside that I already said….and honorable mention goes to all of the words that are hanging in the balance, the ones that I am reeling back in this morning, in and to myself…to never enter the boneyard of words that I just cannot ever take back.
My pain is mine. My dealings with said pain, shall be mine also. My words about this pain and about hopes and dreams and wants and needs and feelings…my expectations and all of my “me stuff”…I guess I am netting that all up and bringing it back in this morning too.
And so it is…with a heart full of rain this morning, I close my mouth and gently chew upon the words that I choose to hold inside. As I look around at all of the words that I didn’t hold, I am humbled and ashamed, disappointed and sad…free and in solitary confinement until the end, as atonement for my sins in letting them out in the first place. God forgive me for the words I let out into the world that didn’t belong there. God hold my tongue and my heart, moving forward, that I exercise vigilant decorum and boundaries before I open my mouth at all. On this day Lord, thank you for the Sherry lesson, even though I didn’t open my hands wide to receive it. My heart got it and I will pass it on as a “Sherry Lesson” this morning. With Aiden and Robin off in the distance, I struggle to find words…thank you Mom for stepping in this morning and taking over for me. Thank you for the lesson. I will spend today reeling the words back in that I am still able to. I will begin making piles for the rest of the words that got out, so that I can identify their remains and not violate them ever again, before I offer them proper burial that they may rest in eternal peace.
The grave diggers just showed up with their equipment and so I need to go. Lucky for me, the grave they are digging this morning is for my words, not for me. They haven’t come for me just yet. I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad that they aren’t here for me. Anyways, no matter. Hey guys! Thanks for the coffee. Let’s get this mess cleaned up and let’s sing them home, shall we?
Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! Thanks for stopping by Mom! I love you too. Tough lesson this morning as I wipe the tears from my face. Thank you for stopping by. I’m going to go eat some words for breakfast…and I’m going to sit in a huge bowl of gratitude the entire fucking time. Thank you.