The picture in front of you is what the fuck is right with me…one of the many things right with this girl, is this girl right here. I love you Tamara. Thank you for being my right…my love and my truth. Every day may not be easy. Every single day with you is worth it though.
Good morning everyone. I am back. My return is timely in that some of you reached while I was away. I am here if you need me. I never announce my departure and so I’m sorry if I didn’t get back to you. We were out of service most of our trip and it felt so good. I’m here now though if you need me.
Thank you for being here with me this morning. I miss you whenever I am away. Our trip was short and sweet so we could get back to our babies home to our sister. Our sister outdid herself for sure. Our house is cleaner than it’s been in years, even the windows are clean! Our carpet and our bathrooms are clean. Our house feels like home. We came home to Enya playing and candles lit everywhere and it was so beautiful and so wonderful and so amazing. Tamara didn’t hesitate to share her sissy with me and I am so fucking blessed. The thing about this beautiful blessing is that I often don’t know how to receive it. Maybe I don’t feel worthy of it. I know that seeing Tamara with her sissy makes me miss my little brother so bad. Michele flies from California because she wants to be here for us and spend time with us and to help us to get back up. No strings…no pay…she just loves her sissies so much. I feel so blessed to be Michele’s little sister and even though I don’t know how to be a good sister to my big sister, I am learning.
I do not write anything that I write to get your sympathy. I write to get it all out. I am pretty fucking edited, believe it or not. I miss Shawn. I’ve missed him for many years and going to Jemez, I realized that I must leave him there when I returned, in that river. I must allow it all to just wash the fuck away. My mom. My dad. My little brother. The me that I was and the family I once had…all of it…I came to wash it all away. I did not come here to do this because I wanted to and to be honest, I didn’t return to Jemez for this reason at all. As I sat with the river yesterday morning though…and she invited me to take it all away with her…as she seduced me into believing that I let go of nothing that isn’t already gone. I ran to her river bank and I offered up the things I cannot change. I handed over the things I’ve never really held anyway. I broke into a million pieces and I submitted. I hit the jagged rocks at her depths and I crashed and thrashed and cried and resisted. Please river…please, please just let me keep Shawn and my Dad…please, I begged. Don’t take that little boy from me…the little boy I wanted more than anything to come home from the hospital and be my baby brother. Please river…please and with all of my heart…don’t take that little boy away. Weeping at her banks for all that never was…I let myself go too. Please river…take me too. Take the broken and not good enough…too much me away so that Michele will always be my sissy and so that Tamara will always be my girl. Please, for the love of God dear river…with everything I have in me and most of all…please river…don’t take the girl. (Thank you for the inspiration Tim McGraw). Please, whatever you must do and however it must be…please river, have mercy upon my soul and don’t take from me the very last being that I feel I have left. Please river, don’t take the girl.
May begging ceases as I begin to remember that I am in control of absolutely nothing. I must find reprieve from the pain that is crushing my soul into near nonexistence. It is what it is. Nothing going backwards gives me the momentum I need to go forward. No blame I place upon myself or punishment great enough to turn the tide that took it all away in the first place. There is no river deep enough to drown the sorrow of losing ones family to the reality before me. Sherry is not here to make us love one another. Sherry is not here to tell us we have to show up and be together. Sherry took her rules that we al lived by and she has left the building. Sherry is not coming back and neither are Shawn or my Daddy. We don’t have to do anything anymore…any of us. We don’t have to and we don’t. An occasional coffee, minced into less than an hour because we don’t have to make the fucking time and the time we do have is more important than each other. I do not have any time for time like that, with anyone anymore.
I am tired of this rhetoric in my head that tells me that they love me in their own way. I am over the empty excuses that only leave the void larger. I cannot wish any harder or hope anymore that the love I feel I need will be bestowed upon me. Imagine begging for time, not to be denied…and yet not to be accommodated…more honest and to the point…imagine simply checked off of someone’s list somewhere. Coffee with Coral. Check please. Check. Next. No fucking thank you.
I have one life and I have mother fucking pissed a lot of it away already. I sat here waiting for you to come love me and carry me through this. I waited, literally by the phone, hoping and praying that you would call me. I have cried in so much anguish over losing the family I was born into. Why oh why didn’t they just love me? How could they take that beautiful little baby girl and not love her? How can my family have never really have done much more than tolerated me and loved me at such a distance that I cannot even fucking feel it? Shawn and my Dad simply have their own lives now. I guess I’ve put mine on hold, awaiting their return to me. The river says they will not return. The river says it’s okay. The river says let me take them because where you are going, they’ve no interest in being. I tell the river to fuck off! Had she not already taken enough from me for fucks sake? What the fuck is wrong with you I scream? What in the fuck is wrong with you…taking so much from me?! To which the river responds…I took away all that is wrong with you so that you and the world can finally recognize and appreciate you for what is right with you. The river suggests that I begin to ask myself and everyone that I encounter…”What in the fuck is right with you?”
What a beautiful message to come from such a painful and difficult journey of hearing people constantly ask me throughout my life what the fuck is wrong with me. The river says it matters not what is wrong with me…that nothing is wrong with me and has never been wrong with me at all. The only wrong in all of it is that I’ve not allowed it all to wash away sooner. The search for what is right with me begins this, the next leg of my journey. If you’re still sitting there counting what is wrong with Coral…here is my heartfelt invitation to jump in the fucking river and be gone from me. Go and do your counting elsewhere because you sitting here with your abicis counting beads of Corals failures and shortcomings is an unnecessary distraction for the good things coming. I must go now and begin finding out what in the fuck is right with me. Have a beautiful day everyone! What in the fuck is right with you? Tell me. I will tell you too. What the fuck is right with us?!?