Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

A couple of really important Coral lessons this morning…

Before I begin my blog this morning, I want to address yesterday’s blog for a moment; I wrote about my experience of going off of my prescribed medication, without the care of consult of my PCP or my therapist. I had therapy yesterday and my therapist was not impressed. I will leave it at that. My friend Sigrid asked me to make this clear and so I make clear that, not only is it not recommended to go off of any prescribed medication, ever, without consulting your prescribing physician, it could be deadly. It could have been deadly for me. I cannot say what caused me to sink as low as I did, and to let those closest to me know, that I was afraid that I might not pull through this time. I will say that it likely could have been My abruptly going off of my medication, combined with my chemical imbalances and mental disorders. At any rate, and without exception, please do not ever do as I do. Do not go off of your medication without consulting the person who put you on it. I made and error in judgement, that could have cost me my life. I am sorry and I did not do so consciously or on. purpose. Thank you Sigrid for bringing this to my attention so that I could be very clear about this. Do not ever go off of your prescribed medication without medical consult! Deal? Truly, please hear me and be more responsible than I have been in this regard, okay?

I stepped into her world to save her from our world,

For our world cut her you see.

I crawled into her den to love her because I took her from her den mate.

I licked and nursed her wounds. I held her in her pain. I woke with her in confusion.

We tamed one another. We, entangled in the bear den, just to survive the night. We became one, baby bear and I.

She, feral and untamed. Dreadlocks and fresh wounds. Distant and painful eyes, seeking my help.

And I, with not one knowing of what to do…We, just baby bear and I, and Sam…I called Sam…we had to figure it out.

In the car, she cried. I prayed and asked Sam to crawl back there with her while I drove us home. At home, we got her out together, into the night sky. We stood in the driveway and we cried. We had to pee and we did not. We went into the studio to wait for help.

Feral and frightened and drowsy and confused…cut 12 inches wide open and closed with staples, the bear and I stood weary. We stood that way for a long time. Baby bear cried. Mom cried too. Mala wailed in anguish. I asked Alexa to go get Enya. We spent a LOT of time with Enya. Enya could not drown the cries of the baby bears. Enya could not soothe the broken hearts of babies separated from each other for the very first time. Yes, hearts broke in the studio that night and baby bear and I stood in the not knowing of what we had just entered into.

The hours turned into daylight and the daylight turned to dark. Fourteen times, we saw that cycle, baby bear and I, from a box in the driveway that housed us and kept us warm and safe together. The studio disappeared and the forest was seen through the windows mostly. We saw the forest, through the trees, on daily visits to see Mala Bear and on potty breaks. We saw our friends sometimes. Mostly though, we saw each other. Momma Tamara was a constant companion in the baby bear den and we really missed her every time she had to go.

I sit here now, in the baby bear den, without my baby bear…my new and dearest friend. I sit, not in my studio, for we left it as it was. We, baby bear and I, ran back to our own lives. We hurried to them because we missed them. We could breathe our own air again, and we could shit comfortably in our own toilets again. We could lie in our own beds tonight and we would be next to our true loves once more! Hallelujah!

It was wonderful to be home! Fourteen days and fourteen nights without a girl, well, I was happy to be home! Our bed…you have no idea!!!! Hallelujah! Tamara and I did not share more than an hours or so drive from Santa Fe together, except in passing, for the last fourteen days.

Mala cried and laid in wait for us to come out into the driveway. When Mala saw Nahko she cried and she shook and she broke. Every time we walked away, she broke again. To bear witness to this…to feel this…well, it changed me. It softened me. It broke me too. I shook too. I cried too. I only knew to do for Nahko, what I wish someone would have done for me when I hurt, when I was scared, when I was sad without my brother. I wanted comfort. I needed love. I needed touch. I did not get those things and so I don’t know if I did it right, I did my best, so I did it perfect, says Sam. Thank you Sam. I did those things I never got for Nahko. I loved her my very, very best. I slept in her bear den with her until she fell asleep. Sometimes I stayed after, just to watch her sleep. I fell in love with Nahko Bear and Nahko Bear with me. It felt nice to love so much.

Nahko Bear and I loaded into the Jeep yesterday to go and see the vet. The vet says Nahko looks great! Her healing is amazing! Her staples were removed and she was released back into her life. I returned to mine.

On my way out to a client, I stopped by to lie a moment with Nahko Bear, in she and Malas baby bear den, on my way out. I wanted to check her tummy and give her some love. I missed her already and I could feel she missed me too. We were like old friends, rolling around and laughing together. Mala Bear came to join and I was so happy! Together again, at last. And out of nowhere, Nahko went for Mala and Mala went back for Nahko and I laid in between and kicked them apart. I was stunned at first. I was still on the ground next to Nahko and she went to lick me. It was then that I realized that Nahko was protecting her new cub, as we had switched worlds now. Nahko protected me from her sissy. You cannot know what that is until you know what that is. What that is…that is heartbreak. Tamara has come running out and we separated them. We all came down a bit. I had to go to work. I returned. I fed them their dinners apart. Nahko followed me everywhere. Mala was so sad. I was so sad. I knew what I must do.

As excited and honored as I am to have been accepted as a pack member, I am not. We are not members of their pack. We, if not checked, can fuck up the hierarchy of their pack. We must only ever be, the leader of our entire pack. We must not remain in the role of a pack member. I knew that in an instant and I cannot not know it now. For me to be so moved, to have been chosen, would destroy a sisters bond. I have become invisible for the sisters to repair themselves and to learn their new places. That shall be between Nahko and Mala. Tamara and I always lead the pack and must never be in the pack for too long. To be invited in and to have to leave…well it mixes honor and heartbreak. The deepest love and loss of that love, on a level that knows no words, that you will ever know, in the shortest amount of time. A beauty to behold and a heartbreaking you’ve not known, until you’ve known it. Even then, every break is a bit different.

So, in the baby bear den, not yet returned studio, I fight back the tears this morning. Fuck it, I let the tears fall all over my screen this morning! For I miss my baby bear. The den is empty and I must be invisible for a while. My heart breaks down here this morning, as I pull back from one of the greatest loves that I have ever known, to allow the love that belongs, to be…between sissy and sissy, baby bear and baby bear. I am not a baby bear, although it sure was nice to be an honorary baby bear for fourteen days and fourteen nights, in the baby bear den I made for Nahko Bear, under my drafting table in the studio.

Sometimes, when we love someone the very most, we must do the very hardest work of all. We must love them enough to take our hands off of them. We must let go and let them do their work. After finally being invited all the way in, we must quietly and gracefully bow out. As I do this this morning, my heart breaks and I ask you for your love and prayers for Tamara and I, as we do this dance again. This dance if getting so close and pulling back. Most of all though, please send all of your love and prayers to Nahko Bear and Mala Bear that as they return to their world and we return to ours, that they find their way peacefully back to each other. We love you baby bears! Welcome home Nahko Bear!

Nothing anyone ever does will be good enough for those who do nothing at all.

Monday ended and Tuesday began with Nahko Bear and Silly Sigrid…Tamara and stillness in the chaos. Our ears have been flooded with Enyas soft and soothing sound, as we soothe Nahko and tell her that Mala Bear has got her and we have her. Even Enya cannot mask the cries of her sissy up the driveway. An afternoon visit is surely in order. Nahko Bear sure does miss her sissy Mala Bear so, so much.

Nahko Bear has a king size bear bed under the drafting table while we take up residence down here for the next eight days. Nahko Bear has her follow up on Wednesday, March 13th and cannot go up stairs, (to our house/her house) until then. We have had five slumber parties so far. Last night with Silly Sigrid was like a late night tea party. Our studio is small for a Bear and two sillies and so I crawled into the baby bear den with Nahko Bear. What a beautiful night of intermittent slumber, in the arms and covered in the fur of our baby bear. This is a great way for me to literally work on her 24/7 and give her exactly what she and her healing body need. Right now she snores in peaceful slumber and my hear is full. Life with a baby bear is a blessed experience for sure. All of these moments worth other moments, as her life and her well being do depend upon us. I get that on a level I never got that so deeply. I hug Nahko Bear when she cries because her meds make her drowsy and render her unable to do her job. I get it…that horrible feeling, so I lie with her awhile and hold her and tell her it will be okay. Hearing Malas cries she feels far from home and I feel that way too, so we lie together in the home inside our home. We hold each other in the darkness and watch the world under the light at the bottom of the door. Nahko Bear and Silly Sigrid became fast friends and Nahko cried when silly left.

Everyone should be so blessed to have a silly friend who will come for slumber parties. Few know the love of a partner who truly means it when they say to take what you need. Tamara and I are living the dream. We really, really are living our dream. Bears in the studio…goats in the living room…pigs and dogs and cats…ducks and chickens and Hondo if he would only fit, all welcome as they need to be in our inner sanctum. Many, many of you…welcome in our inner sanctum…and you know what? That’s a lot. There are 44 souls in this space…not even accounting for the ones who roam and crawl and run and fly free here. Did you get that? Forty four souls…all in Sanctuary, all healing, all here for the best of the rest of their lives. Tamara and I are counted in those souls, as our souls presence here make possible the work here. I would kindly remind anyone who has forgotten and enlighten those who do not know, this is our home and when you come here, call here…well, we live here. If you can’t help us, we understand. I will ask and actually insist that if you cannot help us, that you not harm us either. Trying to help Nahko to heal or Duncan or Ahimsa…is very difficult when we are not well ourselves. So I ask that you keep that in mind in dealing with Tamara and I…we are living the dream here. Simply for that reason, we cannot be in your drama…any of it. We have so much responsibility here and we are so blessed. Everyone will be cared for, without exception. When we have fundraisers, it is because that is what we do as a non-profit, we raise funds to support the animals. Donate if it moves you to do so. Don’t donate if it doesn’t move you. I will always share our fundraisers and our events, as that is our life’s work. If it bugs you, don’t look at it. Easy Peasy, right? Nothing anyone ever does will be good enough for those who do nothing at all. Just keep that in mind and at heart when you speak. I’ve pondered it much lately…and this is how I feel. Truly…those of us doing something are often annoying to those who don’t have it in them to do anything of much at all.

I am down here with my thoughts, sketchy internet, no plumbing and a lot of time to heal and meditate. In this process and with Nahko Bear, Tamara and Silly Sigrid by my side, I will write a lot. As I wrote, I remind us all that I come here to heal. I write to get it all out, rather than keeping it all in. Please take what you need and leave the rest. My journey, intertwined into yours, and your into mine…we are one, you and I. We would do well to remember that.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I’m off to slumber with Nahko Bear in our sacred and healing space. Thank you silly for visiting us for pizza, tea and a slumber party! We love you! Nahko Bear misses you and sends her love.

Happy Tuesday everyone! I love you!

And the Angels came down again…

Good morning everyone! To all of my brave brothers and sisters who struggle in their separation from sobriety and divinity, in the struggle, I fucking love you! I really, really do. Be it alcohol, drugs, pharmaceuticals, food…we all struggle to sober ourselves from the addictions that we have to something. We may even often be addicted to someone or our idea of someone. The struggle is real for each of us.

The angels came down again yesterday and I received amazing and loving and nurturing massage from my beautiful sister and angel, I received acupuncture from an angel from the heavens and my first injection into my sciatic nerves on my left side from yet another angel. This morning, there is a bit of relief and I am so thankful! To everyone who lays hands and hearts on me, thank you for your love. Truly, I love you and appreciate your love so much.

I met my silly friend Sigrid for tea yesterday and I am so blessed to have my silly! We are kindred souls and I love our time together. We are ever the same and I am humbled. Thank you Sigrid, for all things. I love you silly!

My beautiful angel Regina reaches me daily and my heart giggles when I am with her. I love you Regina.

The love of my life and my soulmate, is a constant beacon and my light in the darkness. As I swim upstream, she is my legs and often my breath. As I go under, she is my life preserver. As I woke up feeling better, and she made me the most amazing breakfast again this morning, I thanked God for his grace and his mercy. I love you Tamara. I could not be more blessed. I know I don’t always say it and I sometimes forget to tell you that you are everything to me and I love you with all of my heart. I am so, so, so, so, so….thankful for you my love.

And Prajna held me close last night and nursed my wounds throughout the night. Curled up in me this morning, my best little friend in all of the world, P~Mama!!!!! I love you Prajna Mama! Thank you for how you see me and know me and love me. You are my very own little heart outside my chest and I love you with all of my heart.

Dear God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

I hope you have a beautiful Friday! I love you!

You are writing your own story. Make it a good one!

Good morning beautiful people! Happy Friday and what a day to make a different choice, wouldn’t you agree?

I went to bed with my body blessed by angels once again and I am so, so thankful! I went to bed next to the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world…my truest and dearest friend and my best confidant…my soulmate and my lover…the co-founder of a dream that we are building together…my anchor and my rock…and I am blessed beyond measure! I had a day full of the most beautiful and grateful clients, who pay me well and love me well and I am open and ready for some more clients like that please! I had a beautiful morning working with my colleagues, for the healing of one of our very own, and I am blessed beyond measure to be amongst such prestigious colleagues, who know and trust my work, to have me place my hands and my energy upon their best friends. I will always value and invite time like this, to give back to those who refer and share me with you, so that I can help you too and pay my bills. To everyone who loves me like a verb…thank you, and I am an open invitation for some more love like that please! My little brother and my sister checked in on me, as we have been most recently doing for one another and I will definitely have some more of that please! I had weekly tea with my very best friend, Sigrid, and I will always welcome more time and love and space and honesty and friendship, like a verb, like that, in my life! Coral and Sigrid tea time is nourishment and fuel for my soul on this journey and I am blessed! To all of these endeavors, I drove in the FJ Cruiser that I love and cherish so much, as Jesus takes the wheel, and my musical medicine blasts through the speakers, of the piece of my mom and dad that I have left, and I am thankful! I feel my beautiful and radiant cousin, Regina, in and around all of the good and positive and wonderful memories of my past and with me always on this journey and I love you so much cousin! Always, in all ways, I have room for love like Regina…thank you and more…yes please! I arrived home safe and sound at our Sanctuary in the woods, surrounded by all of my best friends…for they love me from wherever they are, to wherever I am, always and without fail or prejudice, and I am home! My health is good and getting better every day, in every way. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And I am so thankful for my life and for those who share this journey with me. Every day begins and ends in gratitude. Every day I am better than I was yesterday. And so it is.

This is the version of how my day ended and began that I am choosing to share and to focus on. These are the parts of my day that I am pulling out to give thanks for. These moments are my focus henceforth. These are the people I choose to rejoice in and to be grateful for, as are they for me, life’s breath. Everyone and everything else, that does not serve my highest good, I release! I stand in love and for, love in all things. I believe in love and I believe in each of us. I believe, with all of my heart in the good things coming! Thank you, my brother, Nahko, for your love.

Love is an action word and I challenge each of to truly grasp this and to know this and to live this! Love in action will open up your life!! Love in words…well, we all know what that empty and often loveless love feels like, don’t we? Where there is void, to be love in action and you will fill the void. Love in action is not always easy, as it is an action, not an empty mouth full of empty promises and lies. Action, being in action and of service…very different from choosing the “right” words, wouldn’t you agree?

We all make a choice every time we open, or do not open our mouths. I am choosing to keep my mouth closed in situations where I have nothing kind to say. In this silence, I pray for peace for those whom I choose not to open my mouth to anymore. I choose to whom I speak and to whose calls I heed. I choose whose words I shall open myself up to. I give myself permission to leave when I am done. I give myself permission to choose the clients whom I can help and to charge accordingly for my time and my services. I ask the universe to bless us all that we be synced together for our highest goods. I pray that we all feel the value of the relationship we walk into together. I pray that we each be served and valued for our life’s work and our contributions accordingly. And so it is.

Have a beautiful Friday everyone! You are writing your own story today. What will you write? Let’s write a with all of our hearts, shall we?

Today is the day for answers!

Good morning everyone. I am sorry I’m struggling so much and unable to come with it like I know I am able to come with it when I am well. I have a doctors appointment this morning with my PCP. They called yesterday and My MRI results are in. With all of your love and all of your prayers and all of our faith and belief in the good things coming, I’ve no doubt that today begins the clarity needed to proceed forward with whatever needs to be done to make me well and whole and happy again. I do not pray and ask you to pray because I am not praying my harderst myself. I believe and I pray and no matter what today’s clarity reveals, I know I’ve got what it takes to get through whatever I must. Right now though, having lost about 30 pounds and feeling like I’m being gutted at my naval when I move wrong, I have lost some of my strength. Having the chronic physical pain, heightened and exacerbated by the surgery and post op pain has put a girl down. This girl needs to get the fuck back up! This girl needs whatever powers that be, to align today, to set into motion whatever needs to be to get me healthy and well. I’ve not slept in many nights without waking up in my own slimy skin, soaked clothes and hair and sheets and blankets…in my own stench, which isn’t mine at all…it is a foreign to me foul smell, soaking wet and feeling like I’m going to be ill…quickly followed by a bone chilling freezing cold and my teeth chattering uncontrollably, as I begin to cry, too exhausted to get up again and clean me up and get me dry and begin again. So lying in my own toxic waste, feeling like I’m freezing to fucking death, I shiver and cry myself to sleep.

In all of this Tamara has never left my side. Prajna has never left my side. They lie in the stench with me and lie awake sleepless, just to be near me. The toll this is taking on me is not a fraction of the toll is is taking on Tamara. 6 weeks they said and I took the first two weeks completely down and pegged myself for 5. I still haven’t really lifted anything, at least not with much assistance. I am back to crawling up into my car because if I move just like that, I feel like I’m being filleted wide open and gutted at my naval. Wearing pants hurts and the belt I have to wear to keep my pants on hurts even worse. Being around me is a fucking delight I’m sure, as I am in so much pain I can’t cook dinner without fucking it up. I can help a little better than the volunteer that didn’t bother to show up, not much better though. My girl, my soulmate and best friend, who loves me through the most painful and difficult of times… who is more than double-timing while I’m down…I love you Tamara. I am so sorry for how difficult this is for you. I love you more than anyone and I thank you with all of my heart for how you love me through and help me when I just can’t. I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

So today is the day for answers. And so it is. Today begins my journey to wellness, and so it is…however that needs to look. I will be in the company of my dearest and oldest friends. Sigrid is accompanying me to my appointment so that I don’t feel scared and forget stuff. Thank you Sigrid. I love you more than you know my super amazing silly friend. Thank you for always finding your way back, no matter the time and space, and for loving me more than getting caught up in holding me accountable for being always drunk and often insensitive and self-centered, in the days before. You are my dearest friend and I love you, so, so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Also have plans to meet one of my dearest friends I have known for almost 30 years for lunch, and I am grateful. I love this girl so much, for so long. Seeing her and the anticipation of seeing her has lifted my spirits and I am so thankful. I love you!

All if you…ever single one of you, who takes the time to send me love, especially when I am asking for so much lately, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you so much and appreciate you so much!

I am off to go get some answers and to begin my journey to wellness. Have a beautiful day! I love you.