Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

A brief update on my medical situation and a pause…

Good morning everyone. Thank you for all of the love yesterday. Here is a brief update on my medical situation for those interested. I had my pelvic injections yesterday morning and I spoke with my OBGYN about how they seem to not be working very well for me. I have done every treatment with less than 24 hours of relief following the injections. We have done injections and dual pudenal blocks, to no avail. Typically, women get about three weeks of relief. Again this morning, the relief has worn off for me, and so we find a different strategy. We are looking at spinal injections next and so ask for your love as we find what works for me. I am in deep tissue massage and acupuncture therapy twice a week for the clenching, which sciatica is largely responsible for, at this point. All in all, I feel very good and very positive about my healing. I am so thankful for my doctor and for everyone on her team and for our ability to overcome the adversity in the beginning, to have arrived in the beautiful space we are in now. I am so grateful for all of my therapists and for each person who has referred me and who has laid hands and hearts on me to get me well. Thank you for every prayer and for all of the love you have surrounded me in. I feel you and I love you and I thank you. We will just keep keeping on until we find what works. And so it is.

I have been pretty quiet as of late. My world got rocked all over the fucking place and I had to just set it all down. I will not go into detail because it really matters not. I will just say that I was recently hit harder than I have ever been hit by someone whom I never thought would harm me. I knew not what to do or say and all I have been able to feel is my heart breaking over and over and over again. The lies and the deception…the loss and the delusions of grandeur…fools gold and deception of epic proportions landed at my feet and I dropped to the ground in agony and disbelief. I have been down there, on my knees, in agony. I have seen what I came to see and I have done all that I can do. And so without further hesitation, I raise from my knees to my feet and I dust myself off and I begin the journey that I came here for in the first place. I begin the journey of Coral…and I could not be more excited, as I get to decide where we are going and to whom we allow inside of our sacred space. Many of you have shared sacred space with me and I thank you. Many of you have left sacred space with me and I thank you. I return from whence I came, to my true nature. As I shed what no longer serves me, I don a new cloak and I open my heart once more, to those who come in love and light and peace. To all others, the door is closed and you may continue walking past me. I shower you with love and light and blessings as you pass and I thank you for not darkening my door. My door, always open to everyone, is temporarily closed in mourning, and in acknowledgment of a time gone from me. My door is closed so that I may rest and rejuvenate and heal. For I cannot begin to save anyone from anything until I first learn to save myself. I cannot love you as I want to love you, until I dive within and love me the most first. And I will never be able to love or want enough for you, what you do not want for you. You also, must love you the most first. I take my hands off of all things that my hands do not belong on. I take my heart back. I take a pause for me, to do what I must do, before I rise from these ashes, for once and for all. I have come to let you know that I have come to let you go; if you are not here to love me. Love is a verb. Love feels like something is happening, not like the ricochet of empty and void places and hollow words. Love fills us up and does not deplete us. I turn inward to find this love so that I may turn outward and share it with all of you. And so it is.

As my boundaries become visible and I begin to honor them, I welcome myself home. I welcome us all home, for we have stayed too long in someone else’s story, haven’t we? We each have our own story to write and to tell and to live and to dream. We each have our own wants and our own desires and our own dreams. We truly do know what is best for ourselves, don’t we? I will always do my best to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves…the animals and the children at our mercy…I will always speak for them. I invite you to do the same. We must not be silent about the things that really matter. We must not wait for someone else to do something. We are someone and we must speak and act on the behalf of those who cannot. When our voices fall on deaf ears and our hearts shatter for someone else’s breaking for the last time, we will be headed home. Take my hand and hold my heart one last time for now , and let us all take some time behind our own doors. Let us heal our own hearts and lick our own wounds, that we may stop projecting onto each other our dysfunction and our unconsciousness. Let us set it all down and sort it all out so that we can leave what no longer serves us, to lighten our loads and to open our heartstrings the new day dawning before us.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Closing thoughts from today…we rise!

Good evening everyone! Epic things on the horizon for me….for you…for us! I know this room has been dark and dreary and hard to come into for a while now. Moving forward, this room shall be light and bright and inspiring! Always real and always raw. We are on our way out of the darkness. We survived. We fucking made it! We get to celebrate us now…to step up and out and to find us. This room is our room and we are so blessed to heal here, aren’t we? We are rising up!!!

I came here to count some blessings this evening and you are amongst them. Thank you for walking through this storm with me. We are on our way up now! We are through the worst of it. We made it!

I have a lot to be thankful for and this evening, I am just going to do that…be thankful.

For the most amazing and beautiful and true and steadfast partner and my best friend and my lover and my wife…I am thankful more than words can express. I love you Tamara. Thank you for helping me out of my darkness, even as it began to consume you too. I love you. Thank you.

I had a very powerful and amazing session with my sister Eileen this morning. Her words, similar to so many of your words, penetrated and then I felt the release, the knowing and the understanding of what had already been said to me, by Tamara and by many of you. My Mom and Dads purpose was to bring me in to this world and they did that. Beyond that, I was gifted. I am blessed and my time is now. I cannot both hold on and let go. I cannot be there and here. I cannot be steered by the wake of the past that I have finally left behind.

Shawn and I and JiSan and Tamara are building our little family the way it feels right for us and I am elated..to have family that chooses us. I am so, so happy to have my little brother back!

Somehow, having heard and said the words enough, I believe what I have come to know, I know nothing at all. I need know anything at all. All I need to do is to let go. All I need to do is be. All I have is this moment. And so off I go, to be in this moment.

I love you. I’m better than back. I am being birthed anew and I am so thankful. Good night and did I say that I love you?

I found the remedy for my pain!

Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I had a rough night, full of nightmares and dreams of vomiting and running and vomiting repeatedly. The tears started as soon as I opened my eyes and I said hell to the fucking no! I am not letting this pain hijack me again today! I jumped into action this morning, with my new remedy for this pain. I know I have to change the way I am looking at things and so when I feel like this, I have committed to being of service in some way, to take me out of me. I will not be controlled by my fear and my pain, at least not today! I know the remedy for my pain is to be of service, to love and help others…to be love…to hug and smile and laugh and to share myself with you!

I came down to the studio to blog and to meditate. Somehow, I needed to do more. I received and email from Propeller yesterday and I finally opened it this morning, inviting me to volunteer on Andrew McMahons tour. Andrew founded the Dear Jack foundation to help young adults diagnosed with cancer. I disregarded it a few times and something kept pulling me back. I listened and I opened it and I applied to volunteer at his event in Aspen Colorado on March 10, 2018, for his Upside Down Flowers Tour. I always find myself wanting to do things like this and I rarely make the time. We make time for what is important. Loving and being of service and healing…those are all top priority for me right now. I am going to make the time, even though I could give myself a dozen excuses not to. I am important. You are important. Being of service to one another is why we are here. We must truly look at what is important to us and at what drives and heals and propels us, and we must take action.

My Mom died unexpectedly and very quickly of cancer, on December 3, 2015. I have not been okay since. My life literally went offline to a large degree, and has been such since. Countless hours at the cemetery and billions upon billions of tears. So, so much loss. So, so much unrecognized and unhealed pain. I have shaved my head for many, many years for people with cancer. My mom insisted that I not shave for her and I honored her wishes and did not shave while she was living. After my Mom passed away, I shaved my head for her and for so many of you with cancer,and I had “FUCK CANCER” tattooed across the back of my head. Presently I am shaving for 5 people in my life with cancer, and for everyone battling cancer. I shave every couple of days and I shave in silence, solidarity, prayer and reflection. I will never not shave my head, to give Sampson’s strength to those of you fighting this battle. Please know how much I love you and that I am with you always, loving you and cheering you on. When your time comes, I will be with you still, to carry you home. I will always be with you.

The past two weeks hit me even harder than my moms cancer hit me and I have not been okay at all. I have known not what to do. I have been a constant companion of Wayne Dyer and Nahko and SOJA and Rumi. I have been in silence and in prayer, wailing on my knees and inconsolable. Yesterday, with all of my might and with everything in me, I promised me to pull me out of this before it destroys me. I know I came here to love and to teach love, to be of service and inspiration. And so it is.

This morning I made the same choice again. One minute at a time for me right now, with one foot in front of the other, I cross the threshold into me…I am here to find me! I hope you will come along. I’m so glad you are still here. I fucking love you! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for how you all love me. Have a beautiful day everyone! Go out today and be an instrument of thy peace. Be someone’s reason to smile. Be that hug that you give away because you know you need one too.

I will rise from these ashes.

I lingered and then lingered some more, as I knew that when I left, I would not pass this way again. All of the memories and horrors…all of the expectation and disappointment and disgust…all of this fucking pain. I stood in all of that pain. As the pain kept raining down, I stopped seeking refuge and shelter. I just stopped. I decided instead, to let the rain and the tears wash me away. Wash me all away. I have never really done much more than existed, and that was a chore at times. Standing here though…being here and repeatedly trying to leave here…all while trying to find a way to stay here. Something broke in me. I let it break. Literally being shredded and mocked and taunted with tones and rigid jaw lines and then being rendered lifeless by the contempt. There’s no fight for this. There are no words for this. There is no reprieve from this. This has never been okay. I have never been safe. I have been thrown away and I grieve as though I am the one who left. I would never have left. I know I am not the leaver… I am the left behind…a pattern I’ve learned and repeated so, so many times before. I won’t act like this is okay. I forgive. I cannot forget. I love. We are the best thing that ever came of all of this. We stand alone. I stayed and I held space. This pain though…I have never known pain like this before. Foreign and so familiar is the pain that finally hit me hard enough for me to go down. We closed out a couple of lifetimes standing there. There was no budge and I cannot bend anymore without fracturing myself beyond repair. I regress. This morning though…first thing when I opened my eyes… the tears continue to fall. No dam can hold the flood of tears on their way down. No force can stop the flood and there is no comfort to be found. I haven’t spoken much of this, as I don’t even begin to know how to find the words. These words, somehow jumbled and coded, edited into “I” statements. These words are so void of all of the pain inside. These words are the best that I can stammer out, in an effort to relieve the tension that holding them has caused.

This is about me. This is about me and how I feel about what has been done. I have the power to make decisions best for me. I am not powerless. Making someone else wrong will never make any of us right. Lies are an attempt to hide a truths that don’t align with us. I have been invisible and I have been hurt repeatedly and on purpose. Over and over, and over again, I’ve not been seen at all. And I…I am barely breathing and moments away from ceasing to exist anymore at all. I am dying and I have been blatantly denied life support. I am drowning and the flood gates have been opened anyway. I am broken as the cord that held my world snaps and crashes down on top of me. I am struggling in the rubble and I extend my hand. I see the shadow pass before me and the hands shoved in the pockets of the dark image passing by. I am but a lowly beggar and my basket is nearly empty. My heart nearly broken. My face tear stained and aged and lined. I stand alone and so I am going now too. Another thing and the worst of things is that I would fix this if I could. I cannot. I cannot fix this. I did not break this. Unaccountability and anger and greed and rage and entitlement and contempt that can no longer be disguised or hidden behind other words seeps out and drains my soul. The mask has fallen off and the truth, scribbled across the shadows of a face I used to know. I can. I won’t. The rhetoric in my head, that I repeat on accident…unsettling. A broken little girl in a woman’s body. Sam and Coral and Coral and Sam, tumbling about, being tossed and turned out…A golden boy falling from grace that never befell him. And she in her casket. We have fallen apart. We have fallen from grace. We have lost more than we ever could have imagined. And my soul shrieks in the most agonizing pain of this lifetime. The bloodstains and the tears…the flashbacks and the right nows…the horrors and the lifelessness…the lovelessness…and I must go on.

For each painful thing that befalls me, and oh how it has befallen me, that I cannot turn seem to turn positive and to the light, I offer three positives and I give thanks. And I am on my way to that, in the midst of all of this.

In the loss of all I’ve truly ever known, I have gained the opportunity to be myself. And I give thanks.

I have done enough here and so I must go, as I’ve much good work to do our there. It rips my heart into bits to be begrudged the little bit of happy I have found and to feel the venom seeping out. Our house was full of strangers and friends…friends who who aren’t even friends back…and we watched from the outside of the glass. We had our little faces pressed against the glass, peering through the window at the Christmas of someone else in a home that we used to call our own. And we cry…God do we fucking cry. And I must go on. Without the knowing of how, I will go on.

Brand new, I return to the rooms of AA. Beginning again, from my lowest point in four and a half decades, I crack the cover of my big book for the first time. I begin again. I die this death to be born anew. I die this death to begin my life as me, for I will not dwell here any longer.

For the gifts and the lessons and for the endless and abundant blessings, I am so thankful. I truly am. I know how blessed I am. I write to heal myself. I write to get all of this out. I write to try to sort myself, my life…this. I intend to harm no one. And, I will not be silent. I have carried the sins of many. I have endured the beatings of nations. Today, on this day, I decide. Tomorrow and the next day and all of the days after that, I decide. From now on and for always, I decide. My decisions will be in my own best interest and in my own highest good…in the highest good of everyone, for we are all the same.

I am in the throes of something that I must go deep within to resolve and sort out. I have pulled myself out of circulation today and will not be available, as I repair my heart and lick my wounds. As I prepare my inner warrior for spiritual battle, I must prepare a place and I must ready myself for the letting go that is taking place, to prepare for all of the good things coming. These embers are still hot and cooling down, and as I patiently wait for them to become ashes, I prepare myself to rise up. I will rise from these ashes. And so it is.

As always, I send all that does not serve us, back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I love you. Have a beautiful Sunday!

A jumbled confession for us all…

When the knock at your door finally comes, the knock that you have been praying for, as long as you can remember; will you open the door?

My knock came and I opened the door. A moment of surrender. Asking for help. Seeking to understand. Clarity in an abyss. Calm in a storm. A fucking Tsunami in the middle of meditation. Prison inside a prison. Bars between us. I Caged you in because I could not get out. I pushed you back until I was able to come forward. I did to you, the only thing I knew to do…I mimicked what was done to me. I silenced you. I controlled you so that I could steady myself. I am sorry. I held you down so that, on a wing and a prayer, I might ever be able to stand up again at all. Thank you. I came first. I mattered so much less always that I was dying of thirst to matter most of all. I surrender. I am blessed to matter. My unquenchable thirst left you parched. I offer you my glass. My needs left you…just you, standing there meeting them, without even having the benefit of me. I see that now. I see you now. Your submission in love of me allowed me to come out of submission myself. Thank you. Your being open allows me to be open too. Your strength, my inspiration. The time you did behind bars for me saved me from a death sentence. Thank you. Your love did and does set me free. I want to be just like you, in my own peculiar way-Thank you SOJA. My hopes are mostly expectations. My dreams are mostly someone else’s dreams. My sense of self is in need of some mending. My pain in enormous and I’m setting it down. My mistakes are countless and I’m forgiving them. Much of who I am is, in actuality, it someone else playing through me, a program that does not serve me. I close and end this program now so that I can bring you my own version of me forty. I forgive. I grieve. I let go. I begin anew. I medicate and meditate as rituals to heal and feed my soul. I stand corrected and I stand down where it does not serve for me to stand up. I surrender. My lifelong prayer of healing…how it needs to occur for me…what it feels and looks and is like…that prayer was answered in a moment this morning. I am so, so thankful. Thank you. My burning question, answered…let go. Fear not. Be well. Accept grace. Admit fault. Begin again. My prayer…heard…answered…and now my work is finished and now my work begins. I fake it until I make it sometimes. Sometimes I make it first. Sometimes the struggle is real. Sometimes there feels to be absolutely nothing at all. In this dark stillness, I began to find myself. The bars come down and we are all free. We are free to be, without limits who we are. As we adjust, shower love and grace abundantly around us. Thank you. As I peel away your way, to find my own…please grant me safe passage. Thank you. As I hit the floor on my knees in all of this reality, please keep me down there until I get it this time, until I really fucking get it. Please gently and lovingly hold me accountable. Please call me out lovingly and with kindness so that I may hear you and be called into my own action, and not the one I’m programmed too. Please let me offer all that I ask for my highest good, for your highest good also. Let me let go. Please remind me not to pick up that which is not mine to carry. Let it lie. Practice the pause. Wait to be asked for help. Wherever I go, go with all of my heart. Practice what I preach. Learn what I teach. Love myself enough to let the hate I have for myself be gone for good this time, for real. Let myself be loved. Accept that I am forgiven. Forgive myself. Be love. Forgive. Accept you on your terms. Stop preventing you from being you so that I can be me. Act in accordance with love always and in all ways. Get back up. Wipe my tears. Forgive myself for not knowing what I don’t know before I knew it. Let it go. Begin again. Don’t try so hard. Don’t try at all. Just be. Love. Be love. Be loved. Have a good day. I love you.

I am 5 years sober today!

Good morning everyone! I am overflowing with gratitude this morning for my sobriety. I am not going to lie…it’s all a bit surreal.

Five years. My life has changed so much in the last five years. Being sober is an experience I never wanted to experience. Now I have no desire to ever be drunk again…no desire to be absent…no want to be numb enough that I convince myself that I don’t feel at all. Becoming me is an eye-opening and life-transforming experience. I thought I was me and so all of this un-becoming…well it’s a fucking trip to be honest with you! Sobriety for me, is a choice I never even knew I had and not a choice at all. Abstract and so fucking concrete all at the same time.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

This morning…this day…this date…all markers for a journey that I’ve been on. I’m just going to start writing my emotions…my thoughts…and maybe it will make sense. Maybe it won’t. This morning I need to purge some, to release some…to just do me a bit.

My reflection on the last five years:

Five years. A lifetime. Yesterday. Counting seconds. Days eternal. Infinite depth. Buried alive. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. Fractured bones. Destroyed relationships. Broken dreams. Countless Coronas. Lime trees. Broken. Absent. Missing myself. My drink was my medicine. Medicine for the pain of my past and medicine to keep moving at all. Alcohol saved me. Alcohol destroyed me. Five years ago I stopped.

I stopped drinking. I stopped numbing myself and my pain. Five years later, without my medication, I fucking hurt. My body hurts. Sober hurts. Stinking thinking hurts. Dry drinking hurts. The Serenity prayer helps. Being of service is the only real salvation. Ever. For anyone. Love is the answer. For all things, love is the answer. My sadness shows itself to you as anger. Mostly, I’m just sad. Today I am silent. Today I am thankful. Today I reflect. Being sober with Tamara is my most beautiful gift. Tamara is my most beautiful gift. I love you Tamara. My little brother is my most wanted gift, ever. I love you Shawn. My Mom is my greatest loss. I am my Fathers greatest loss. I love you just the same Dad. Even when it hurts the most, I love the most. I always have. What isolates me from you brings me closer to me. I am five today. I stopped believing that I could drink just one. I stopped lying to myself. I wanted what you had and so I went out and I got it for myself. I miss my Mom today. I wish my Mom could be here to see me now. I am here to share what I have with you. Sometimes it hurts too deep to bridge the gap. Scapegoating is not for me. Sober is the new strong. Strong is the new humble. Humble is. I am. You are. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

Today I thank God for the courage, especially on the days I feel so weak. Because of my sobriety, I am coming to know serenity and I am so thankful. The work for me is in the wisdom to know the difference. And so, on bended knees I pray:

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me to keep coming back. Thank you for sending me someone to help me to find my way in the blinding storm. A storm that I had no fucking idea that I was in. Blinded. Thank you for Tamara. For every lesson, turned blessing and for every “no” that led me to a “yes”…for every ending that became a beautiful beginning…I am so thankful. Today, I thank God for reminding me of who I am under the shroud of who I was made to believe I was. To each and every one of you who loves and believes in me…thank you. Blessed and so thankful for the crack where the light enters me. Thank you my soul brother Rumi for illuminating my path. And so it is. Amen.

I celebrate each of us today. My five years and your five minutes…your fifteen years and her 31 years. Your desire chip and my hand outstretched before you. I am here and I love you. Have a beautiful day today!

An update on me to help you to see your pain differently. I love you.

Good Wednesday morning everyone. Thank you for the love and prayers yesterday. I had a puedenal block and three pelvic injections yesterday. I won’t lie…it fucking hurt! I almost came out of my skin and rode home on the dash of the fucking Jeep. This girl went down hard yesterday and didn’t get back up until this morning. This morning though….I am fucking fabulous! This morning though…the pelvic and anal clenching have ceased for a moment and I don’t even know what to do with myself…I am so elated. It still hurts and we’ve a long ways today. My back shifted and feels like it broke in two and that is okay. I will handle it. This is the first non-clenching morning I have had…maybe ever. I couldn’t have enough gratitude. To my amazing doctor and her anesthesiologist…to my girl and to each of you…thank you!

Chronic pain…physical…emotional and spiritual pain…it changes us. It wrecks the fucking shit out of us, doesn’t it? Tosses and twists and breaks us…throws us and kicks us…berates us and beats us down, right? Not right. Pain does not do that to us. We do that to us. Our mindset about our pain and why we are in it in the first place…our inaction and our reaction to our pain…not pain itself…WE do this. Our pain is just pain. That’s it. We must begin to understand that as Rumi says, “The cure for the pain is the pain.”

We all have our own interpretations of Rumi and I’m sure we can all agree that Rumi knows love. Rumi knows God. Rumi didn’t die…Rumi simply changed forms and kept on going. We also do that. My Mom is doing that. Your husband and your wife…they are simply gone from your sight. Ever present…and you know this on some level, don’t you?

Today, for me, this moment without clenching…thank you! “The cure for the pain is the pain.” As I begin to understand this and invite my pain to come and visit, I invite and encourage you to do the same. Sit with it. Feel it. Know it in its new form. Introduce yourself and ask it’s name. Share a cup of tea and swap old stories. Ask of and offer forgiveness to your pain, for the millions of ways you’ve misunderstood your pain. Sleep with and through your pain. Awake in your pain and know that you are undoubtedly alive. Give your pain it’s due. Give yourself reprieve, when you are ready and able and let your pain go. Breathe it out. Cry it out. Scream it out in the middle of the forest. Invite your pain to leave you and strip holding it here with you. Let it fucking go and it shall.

I just had my second set of injections via my vagina and into my pelvic floor and it fucking hurt. I was mindful to remember that the pain I was in yesterday was new pain…pain I had to endure to heal the old pain..,AND not the old pain itself. Coming out of anesthesia, I had to sit down by a huge Christmas tree and then I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted to know where my mom went, as she must have visited me under anesthesia. I could not form the words and I cried and cried and cried because I couldn’t find her or leave there without her. Several more times I woke and called out for my Mom. In such excruciating and unrelenting pain, I have always called for my Mom. I forgot to remember that my mom still answers…I forget to remember how to hear her…how to hear you…I forget to remember that I am okay and that I am healing through my pain. I want you to know that you can do this too. It fucking hurts and it isn’t easy and you can do it anyway. I know you can. I can and you can. We can heal ourselves if we are willing to endure the pain of separating ourselves from the pain that we have clung onto for dear life for so fucking long.

I love you and I know you’ve got within you whatever it takes to heal you. I also believe in me and I believe in you. We can meet pain in a different way and let pain be our teacher and our escort to our next lesson. We have the power. We just have to make the choice to change the way we look at things so that the things we look at change. I realized yesterday, in all of that excruciating pain, that with over twelve more months of these injections, I had best change the relationship that I have with my pain. I woke up this morning to heal us all by sharing with you what I have come to know. And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you. The struggle is real. For each of us. Always, in all ways, be kind.

Good morning and please say a little prayer for me…

Good early morning, though I write this evening. I have my second set of pelvic injections under anesthesia, in office tomorrow morning. I am feeling brave and I am strong. I won’t lie though, the clenching has me over my proverbial edge and I cannot breathe it out. I am not afraid and yet I am not settled either. The pain of sitting here with what I must endure tomorrow morning and you ask me is it worth it? It is worth it, to go by choice, into a place where I feel safe to be touched in places I’ve been brutalized before, to make me better? Yes. It is worth it to do what it takes to be strong enough to be better…to feel better…to have hope…to give you hope. Yes. I am worth it. Yes. You are worth it. Yes. We are worth it. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it worth the pain? Pain with a means to an end is pain I will always endure with as much grace as I am able.

This…this period of my life. This knowing and this remembering…this letting go and cutting cords…this three year anniversary and these holidays…the enormity of the crushing physical pain that I am in…the battle waging in me to overtake fear with love…to be a light in the darkness…to be impeccable with my word and to do my best…to miss my mom…to begin to know myself…to have to go; to get to go, to heal all of us tomorrow who have had their little legs ripped apart and wide open by those we trusted most…to be strong and willing enough…I am fucking thankful. Am I scared? Yes. I am a little bit scared. Am I powerless? Never again.

So, for now, goodnight. Please hold me close to you tomorrow morning. No doubt, Sam is already creeping in to help me through. So whoever you are, wherever you are, please be patient. Be gentle. Be kind. Hold me. Love me. I’ve got us. Please have me. And so it is. I love you. I’m praying for you all tonight too.

And…good morning everyone. I have a couple of moments before Tamara drives me in for my injections, and I was thinking about all of you. Your struggles. My struggles. The struggle is real, isn’t it, for each of us? My struggle this morning is hopefully not yours…and yet you’ve your own struggle, don’t you. I feel that. I really do. So before I leave my studio this morning, I say a little prayer for you. I send you all of my love. I walk in to the doctors office a Warrior, carrying Sam and each of you who needs it too, into our healing together. Does it hurt? Does it scare you? It does hurt and yet…not nearly as badly as what hurt me to put me here in the first place. Does is scare you? If I look at that fucking needle that they are about to put inside of me before they put me to sleep and put me in stirrups to inject into my pelvic floor, via my vagina…yes, I will be honest…I am a little scared. And so, I say a little prayer for us…each and every one of us. I do not look at that fucking needle ever again. I turn away and let the tears roll down my cheeks as I fall asleep. When I wake, I will let you know that I’m okay. I love you. Thank you for loving me!

I let her be angry…

Good morning everyone. I’ve not been to bed yet. I couldn’t talk or sleep or stop crying. I couldn’t breathe. The letting go taking place took me completely to my knees yesterday. My life spun out of focus and I became dizzy and frazzled and wound up so tight that I couldn’t unwind. I came down here to come down, in hopes of returning to my life a bit calmer and more centered. I came down here so that I could go back up there when I released enough pain to not blow the roof off of our house. Pain like this…raw and uncensored…gut wrenching and life force robbing…pain like this releasing like a mother fucking power keg if I do not reign her in a bit. In these moments, in the aftermath of such heart wrenching awareness, I first felt like I had been hit by a truck. Followed quickly by nothing at all. And then more and more nothing at all. There is nothing that Edie Brickell and I hate more than nothing. “Nothing keeps me up at night. There is nothing I hate more than nothing.” All night down here felt like a whole fucking lot of nothing. Now, after the hangover…which is so fucking ridiculous, as I don’t drink anymore; I am settling into the okay of it all. Wrestling my demons literally all night long has made me tired. I was in battle all night long and I come to you this morning victorious. I finally slayed the demon that wouldn’t go down…I stand victorious over my rage at it all. We slammed and we thrashed and we hurled and we screamed all night inside ourselves. The rage boiled over and erupted into a volcanic molten lava that mother fucking drowned me last night. In the fire and the rubble and the discord, rage erupted again and again and again. I periodically peered out the blinds and up to our house, waiting quietly up the driveway for me. Seductive was the lure to her warm bed next to the love of my life. Teasing and taunting me as she spat in my face…rage erupted again and I settled back into the reality that it was going to be a long night for Sam and I. Longer if I ignored the rumbling inside myself that begged me keep my eyes and heart Coral. While rage tried to trick me again, into a slumber that would have insinuated my submission, I hurled myself again at her center and I raged on.

I raged inside and boiling over, at all of my expectations and my selfish fucking needs. I raged at my ideas of how things “should be” as rage tackled me at the gut and rolled me a few more times into oblivion; I refused to surrender. Of all of the things I’ve not wanted to be at any of this, is angry. I have dodged anger like a bullet headed straight into my heart. I have pushed her and stuffed her back so many fucking times, as anger does not serve me. Anger like this is dangerous, as it leaves me wondering why there isn’t a gun in my fucking mouth? Why do I keep coming back only to be pummeled again and again and again. The sharpness and quickness of one single bullet would surely be more tolerable than slowly killing myself the way I have been for my entire fucking life. That single thought kept me down here all night. One thought that the easy road would ever fucking meet the high road…or just one more hope. I stayed on the high road. I won’t lie, I am looking down at her depths and I see another bullet that I dodged. I peer over the edge as I gather myself to head up the driveway to have coffee with my girl this morning.

Yesterday had her way with me. Tossed and thrown across her razor sharp shards  and left for dead. Only the dark and stillness of the night could keep the rage at bay. Only the Black night sky and the chill all around me could have anchored me in that storm. Only unshakable faith and a knowing at the deepest level, of who I really am, could have kept me here with all of you last night, as my world caved in on top of me. Only the love of a girl, up in the bed all by herself, could have been enough to keep this heart beating and this girl going. Tamara never once gave up on me and I won’t give up on me either. Tamara never stopped loving me and I am going to start loving me too.

I came here last night to slay a demon. I vowed not to rest until she fell. Last night I slayed her in a battle of intention and resilience…I intend to use my resilience for the greater good of us all. I spent my life leaving my anger pent up and pretty locked down. I won’t lie…when she escapes, there is no way of knowing the destruction she will cause. Last night I came down here to let her out…to let her rage and to let her go. Anger served me well last night. Anger gave me permission to keep fighting and the vision to change my course. Anger raged in a warrior soul, untamed and unmatched…and I let her, until she is done. I let her be angry. And so it is. Have a beautiful day everyone! I’m off to see my girl for morning coffee! I love you.

The letting go has taken place…

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday! I was up early this morning. I was anxious to wake and get through the morning hell of missing my mom. Walking down to the studio, she was shining down on  me in the moon and the stars. I know she knows my pain. I feel her feel me in this indescribable loneliness, as I stumble down the driveway this morning. I truly cannot find words to articulate the raging and ripping and tearing and splitting in my soul as things once sacred to me fall away from me.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you just wanted to be in their presence? Even making excuses to stop by, just to sit and stay a spell, in a place that feels familar to you? Coffee…water…nothing…just them. Just being there with them. After my Mom died, my Dad became that to me. I needed to occupy that space with him to soften the blow of her abrupt absence. His abrupt absence on top of that sent me into a place from which I’ve not returned. I went somewhere when he left. I go further there, the more distant he becomes. I feel my lifeforce falter as every step between us seems to tear at me, rip at me and own me for a few moments. No one can tell me not to feel this, although they do. In their well-meaning words, they try to bring me some comfort and some solace from this excruciating pain. I have come to accept that there is no reprieve. Hope crushing and soul shattering is the reality that I cannot make you love me. It’s me. You love me. I just cannot fucking feel it much anymore. You love me in your way. Your way is so different now than it has always been. I think you loved me through Mom and when she died, you stopped being able to reach me. I kept trying and you were already gone. Now, you tell me so I won’t find out through the grapevine, things that stop my fucking heart…,things that we once told each other. I don’t know why you don’t want me to know that something is wrong with your heart. A specialist…a trip to the ER for chest pain…and you toss it in at the end of the conversation, like it’s nothing. I do not understand. I called to say I love you yesterday, because I do love you so much. You didn’t call me to tell me that you had been in the ER the morning before, thinking you were having a heart attack. My brother doesn’t tell me he’s been in danger either and I don’t know why it hurts me. We used to be in touch and we used to see one another before we left town and let each other know when we were sick or leaving the country. We don’t do any of that anymore. My pelvic injections and my trauma and my pain…I shared mine with you, even though mom isn’t here to tell me how to do that anymore. I am here every single fucking day if you are wondering about me. I am an open book in a library full of books that you aren’t reading anymore. God damn it! Do you know how that fucking hurts me? It really doesn’t matter anyway, does it? I mean, we just learned that we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to anymore. When mom died, so did all of the rules that governed us into being a “family”. Three years and this year is no different…there is nothing fucking left. “Hey Dad, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? We are going to Carlsbad to be with her family.” Right on. I mean, I just didn’t know that we were done here, being a family ourselves. I cannot not know what I have come to know in these past three years…my family is gone. I have spoken of it and my soul cries in inconsolable pain knowing its truth…You don’t want to hang out with me anymore and mom isn’t here to make you. You have a new life and I am just too much, too little and too painful to fucking look at. I am akward and inappropriate and I say “fuck” too much. I’m offensive and overbearing and a fucking embarrassment to you, aren’t I? All of these years, your quest to keep me silent and appropriate and tucked away and now I am free too. I am not going to be silent. I am not going to edit myself. I am not going to do what I am supposed to do either anymore.

I have sat here every day of my life loving you so much. I have wanted so badly to be someone that you approve of and who makes you proud. I have tried and failed enough times to disappoint any parent or sibling. I have gone astray. I have never left and yet I’ve never really been here. I am not your version of me. I am not your idea of me. I am not callous to your nothingness. I am not less than you. I am not more than you.

I decided to do Christmas early this year for my family. I have decided not to buy any gifts. Instead this year, to each and every one of you, I gift you a free pass. This pass grants you exit from this fucking circus. Upon your exit, your pass will be invalidated and your access to all of the shows and events will be denied. This pass sets you free of any expectation I have had of you, just because you’re my family. This is a onetime pass and once it is handed over, you will no longer have any obligation to me. This pass will be the only pass you get, so use it wisely, as this is the only pass you get. Your pass, the greatest gift I’ve left to offer you, let’s you let me go. No more illusions or facades. No more masks and tolerating the time and language…the offensiveness and the stupidity of me. You are free. With all of my love, I gift you the only thing I have left. I gift any hope and all of my expectations of you. Three years of being excluded by nearly every single one of you has given me plenty to think about. All of the weddings and family reunions and funerals I attended because that’s what family does…every single Thanksgiving and Christmas for my entire life with my family…until my Mom fucking died. Unbeknownst to me then was the fact that everything else in my family died and is gone from my sight also.

Today, as the sun prepares to rise, I raise my face from the pool of tears in my cupped hands and I pray.

Dear God,

Thank you for this life. Thank you for those who brought me here. Thank you for the years I got to spend with the family I loved and cherished so much.

God, I come to you today to ask you to help me to let it all go. All of my hopes, especially the ones disguised as expectations, I release them now. All of my delusions of grandeur about how my life was and who we have all been to each other…I release it all now. God, I grant anyone and everyone who does not want to be in my life, safe access out of my life, no questions asked and no strings. I accept that I am your child and I am here to do your work: I set the circus down to free my hands to do your work.

God, please forgive me my many sins and transgressions. Please make me new and whole…complete and real in your eyes. Please take from me that which no longer serves me and my highest good. Please tell my mom that I love her and ask her to help me through this letting go of the things she insisted I hold on to. Please God, enlighten my ignorance and open my heart to only love. Please remove my fear and any doubts. Please use me to your service and to the service of others.

Please God, as I turn to go, bless my family always in all ways. Keep my Daddy and my little brother close to you and please keep them safe. Please forgive our family for their illness and for the pain they have inflicted upon so, so many.

Please allow me to trust your will and to accept it as my own. With all of my love, I release all that no longer serves me. With all of my thanks I close my prayer this morning God and thank you for hearing me. And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you.