Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Please help us sing Cheii home to his family today….

Happy Tuesday everyone. We are so capable of so much, aren’t we? Sitting here in Tijeras with Chii, praying for divine guidance to get him back to his family. Ancient wisdom and intuition haven’t availed is quite enough strength yet, to get him home to his people. Chii and I sit silently with Spirit. We know you want to help and so this is what we need from you. We need your love and prayers. We need your intention to get Cheii from where he is now, which we do not know, therein lies our dilemma, back to his home or Summit. I am using all I’ve got to block energetic boundaries in all directions. Nahko is doing his work in musical medicine with Trevor Hall and I am channeling and weaving their work into mine. “Directions” by Nahko and Medicine for the People is the song chosen by Cheii and I this morning to get his chariot to roll by and pick him up and take him to safety.

The help I need for my work in this is for you to use all of your love and energy while playing this song to summon the courage and vibration, the love and integrity of tribe…the humanity and the acceptance of oneness…to literally bring Cheii our into the light so we can see him and usher him to warmth and safety. Often, when we are lost, we are also scared. When we are scared, sometimes we hide. We get cold and lonely and disoriented and frightened and we become prey. I have placed myself as a human shield around our beloved Cheii and I will hold him, without cessation until he rests again in the loving arms of his people. With my arms around Cheii, I am seeing you all from the inside of him, as he is heart center in front of me. This beautiful man has seen oppression and this man has been persecuted. I take any arrows lobbed his way and I break them in two. I disarm any energy that does not vibrate to his highest frequency. Let it be known that this man is protected by Great Spirit and he should be handled with the greatest care and love. Should he be under the thumb of someone to whom he does not belong, I order his safe and immediate release at this moment, to the loving and protective arms of the Navajo Nation. By the power vested in me by Great Spirit, I demand that this man be handed over and cared for deeply until he returns to safety. And so it is.

And so this morning, with all of my love, I return to prayer and meditation, to honor the highest place in myself, the one that we each have, to use what we have for someone else. Whatever it is and however you use your gift, we could really use your talents to bring Cheii home. There are search parties and many other ways to help. If each of us did a little something, we could all get much more substantial results. We must stop with the mentality that says that we, one person, do not or cannot make a difference. We are all we’ve got. What we do with what we’ve got…well that is entirely up to us, isn’t it? “This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine….”

“Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this.” Trevor Hall

Happy Saturday everyone! I love you. I apologize for my low vibing energy lately. I definitely got stuck in a rut. Fortunately, I walk with amazing angels and I rise up this morning. To each of you who has also fallen along the way, I lift you up with me this morning. With my hand outstretched before you, you’ve a choice to take hold or not, just as we all do. I’ve been unable to take hold until this morning and so with all of my love, I reach to anyone in that struggle. Just let go. Stop fearing the fall and just let go. I am in free fall right now myself. The letting go was scary and the fall has its moments of uncertainty. The bottom comes quickly some days and I’ve learned that’s okay too.

We are all in this together and I’ve been called to action. I am in the process of bringing myself forward and I believe I’m about to get a pretty swift kick in the ass to do so, so, hold on you guys…we are about to exhault our pinnacles with Aiden. All of those good things that Nahko speaks of….all of the good things coming…those good things are here already! We are about to embark up on them together.

My mind is being emptied of all of its contents. There is major demolition and renovation going on inside of me at a cellular level. All that does not serve is breaking off and being removed in truckloads. Material possessions, thoughts and ideas…ideals and expectations…wants and needs and desires…it’s all being leveled as we speak. My heart is being repaired and the thorns are carefully being removed and dislodged from my psyche. The holes are being mended and the bleeding is coming to a slowing stop. The generational pain and annihilation of broken beings many centuries ago who raped children and destroyed animals is being called front and center and I shall be responsible for the healing of this devastation. I shall be the keeper of this gate and there will be no passage until we get her locked down, sorted out, healed up and for to return to mainstream. We will not keep polluting the stream and pretending it’s not killing our oceans.

So it is written and so it shall be…so everyone hold on! We are not in practice mode any longer. This is the real deal and we are headed to our heights! I repeat, This is not a drill. Please gather your things, and only the things you really need. Leave the rest behind. Come with me. Thank you God, for everyone and everything in my beautiful life!And so it is.

Have a beautiful Saturday everyone! “Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this.” Trevor Hall

I am off to get me some emotional intelligence…you want to come too?

Good morning everyone. I appreciate all of your love as I navigate some difficult terrain on my life path. I know I have always been extremely hard on myself and I am learning to love myself better. It’s not easy, as I am learning that my patterning is lacking some integrity in some places. I am learning how flawed I really am and how many mistakes I have made. I am learning that I was the one who was wrong when I was blaming others. I am learning how deeply and badly and consistently I was harmed and I am really trying not to be harmful to others. I have been harmful to others and that is a hard pill for me to swallow. So…I guess I do beat myself up over it. I am a work in progress and I am definitely a hurt people who has hurt people. What in the fuck do we do when we wake up to realize who we have been? How do we not want to go back to sleep or cease to exist all together when we realize that we are the most fucked up part of our equations? For me, I’m struggling with those questions and with the want to be here now. I am struggling to ceasefire on myself and to stop reliving all of this pain. I am aware that the only thing I’ve really got going for me right now is my ability to own my shit, which isn’t much really. I will be mucking this out for a while. I have been sitting in it all of my life…a cesspool of shit…marinating in it and bathing in it. It is way past time to come clean. As I come clean, there are many tears and some regrets. There is a lot of pain for pain I’ve caused. There is collateral damage for my selfish and senseless actions and inactions. So, if you’re looking for me, I will be dealing with my part of the cesspool. I think I’ve walked around this pool my whole life and been thrown in it consistently. I swim in the deep waters, the murky and cloudy waters of a pool that my family created simply by doing nothing about this pool at all, except for to deny its very existence. Alcoholism and incest…child abuse and infidelity…lies and cheating and berating and blaming…and it was my way of life for well, my entire life. Family get togethers and family reunions…all fueled by alcohol and inappropriate conduct, sexual deviance and perversion. Thanksgiving with a blanket of drunkenness and a twist of sexual deviance….as we give thanks over the big dead bird in the center of the table. The irony and dichotomy….the duality and triangulation…the push and the pull and the fallout of my life…all fueled by deep family pain and dysfunction. Generations of family pain and fucking with the children and the animals… the screaming and the pinching and the slapping and the punching…the lies and the sex and the fountain of alcohol to numb it all. As I stand here, looking back, I’ve a more clear view of it all. I am a product of my own abuse and I have been the abuser at times myself. I am a broken down alcoholic, incest survivor who just cannot get her shit together some days. Sitting in the middle of this cesspool this morning with the lies of my life ricocheting throughout my entire being…I just sit quietly. What else am I to do? I mean really…I guess I will just be sitting with all of this for a bit.

For those of you whom I have wronged, I ask your forgiveness. For those of you whom I’ve hurt, I am so sorry. For those who love me still and just them same, thank you. And as for me, I’m learning to love myself, in spite of existing in a loveless place for so long. I am learning how to be kind and not snarky and inpatient and sarcastic. I am learning not to laugh at what isn’t funny, but because I am uncomfortable inside. I am learning to be silent in my pain and to pause before I speak. I am learning that I’ve been more reactive to my entire life than proactive and I am making adjustments accordingly, as I am able. I see the hot mess in the mirror and I am trying to figure out what in the fuck to do with her. So, ya I guess I am a little hard on myself sometimes. I will work on that too.

I miss Aiden and I’m glad he is basking in his justice! I am basking in his justice too. Aiden sends love to his man without the leg often and I know the man feels Aidens love. Aiden knows that hurt people hurt people and he loves just the same. Some day I am going to be like Aiden. Some day, in spite of all of my pain and the wrongdoing in my life, I am going to exhault my pinnacle like Aiden. Some day my heart will love like Aidens and my mind won’t fuck everything up so much. Some day I won’t need any words and all I will be is love, like Aiden too. Today though, I am not Aiden, I am just striving to be like Aiden and missing Aiden so so much. I love you Aiden. Thank you for all of the love and trust and color and beauty you have brought into my world. I love you little buddy. I love you so much!

And so, with that, I am crawling back into bed to say my prayers. I will be here a while this morning, as I’ve no idea where to turn or which way to begin addressing the wreckage of my life. I can’t be sorry enough for some things and for some of the people who have landed in this wreckage. I lift up every single person that I have wronged or harmed this morning that they may be washed clean of the shit that I spewed all over them.

My main focus is my life henceforth is to practice emotional intelligence. Tamara picked this up at her conference on the Link between domestic violence and animal abuse. I had never heard of emotional intelligence. If you’ve met me, this is not a surprise at all, is it? Emotional intelligence is “the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judicially and empathetically. Emotional intelligence is the key to personal and professional success.”

And so it is no wonder that without emotional intelligence, I have missed key points in both my personal and professional lives. Better late than never, right? I mean it explains everything. Now I just have to unravel it all and get it aired out and healing and then we can begin again, building the Coral I know I am at my core.

As all of this pain and dysfunction and guilt and blame and shame begin to wash off of me, I thank God and each of you for your love and forgiveness. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you. Let us all learn about and practice some emotional intel today, shall we?

A life lesson from Aiden: All I want to do is stay

Happy Sunday from Pecos everyone! I am finishing up my classes for my CEUs in Santa Fe this weekend! Today is my final day of Ortho-bionomy and WOW! What an epic weekend of learning and practice and being with people! For this gal, it’s a lot. Socially awkward an anxious at times…a loner and with a strong preference to be alone, I really threw myself in to lot of social interaction this weekend. Hands all over me and mine all over you…ya, it’s a lot. It’s an awful lot of continuing education and continued practice, so that we can bring all of you the best of ourselves. Ortho-bionomy is going to be a catalyst in my private practice to invite healing at a deeper level for all of my clients. What a beautiful technique! How did I not know if this before now? To be totally honest, my sister Robin Dyer picked this class for me. Aiden picked my shoes. Red adidas, before your first class on Friday, no exceptions. And here’s me…”but sister, that doesn’t interest me or sound like me at all…Aiden, I don’t have a budget for red adidas shoes right now. I just rented a shared home in Pecos, instead of a private residence in Santa Fe to save money!!! I can’t buy shoes!! And red? You want me to find red adidas?” And here I sit, with my brand new Aiden kicks on and my Ortho packet staring back at me, in the beautiful meditation space of my shared home in Pecos! Thank you Robin and Aiden! Thank you James and Jenny for hosting me! Thank you Santa Fe School of Massage and to all of the instructors and participants in this amazing weekend!

I came up Friday night to get settled in before my ethics class. Aiden had me running ragged for these red adidas shoes, which I found at my last stop finally. Then I headed up to Pecos to settle in before my Ethics class from 6-10pm in Santa Fe. I am often agitated and unsettled and arriving in Pecos, I was a bit out of sorts. I was greeted by Jenny and showed to my room. I was in and out in 15 minutes and returned well after dark, from Santa Fe. I began to unravel like I do…I should have gotten a private place…I needed privacy…I didn’t feel like talking or being jovial….what the fuck was I thinking? I piss money away like nothing and then I “save” money on my place to sleep, shower and shit. Really Coral? Fuck, I irritate myself sometimes! So fucking irrational and ridiculous is the notion that I do not deserve the best of myself and my life and what I have to offer. Ahhhhhh. Anyway, I got myself into a spin and my boxer briefs all into a twist. I freaked out inside and I got so mad at myself. I beat myself up and I drove around aimlessly for a bit trying to reconcile it all within myself. And then I looked down and saw those bright red adidas shoes and Aiden looking up at me. And I just stopped. Everything just stopped. What the hell is happening to me? Who the fuck am I? Where did I become so afraid of my own life and my own fucking choices and preferences? When did I start skimping on me? When did the hundreds of dollars passing through my hands not hold value for me and my preferences anymore? Do you know my all time favorite brand of anything? Adidas. My favorite color to wear, even though I look much better in green…is red. I won’t buy shoes that expensive for me. That red is too bright and too eccentric for me. I spent my life in adidas, playing soccer. I dribble a soccer ball better than I fucking walk. I look down at these crazy fucking shoes and I see Aiden looking up at me with a huge grin, and I’m back in the game again! Thank you Aiden. Thank you little buddy! Let’s play ball my friend!

So, Aidens shopping excursion seemed untimely and ridiculously unnecessary. I didn’t have to do it. I was justified in being busy. It was Aiden though and so I knew there would be something to these shoes. Countless stores offering me black or grey adidas shoes in just my size. Out of red. None in my size. Not adidas but bright as fuck red for absolute sure. And somehow I knew to stay the course and to not falter on Aidens requirements for these red adidas shoes. Here’s the lesson:

I am staying in Pecos with a man and his wife who God himself has host for him. I am staying in God’s house here in Pecos. All of the things I feared here were things I needed desperately in my life. I feared being close to someone and not having time and space for myself this weekend. I feared bed bugs and smells unfamiliar to me. I feared being alone in a strange and rural place. I feared being awkward. Last night I came home and met James. I came into my room afterwards, for I had just met God. I just fucking sat there stupefied and paralyzed and dumbfounded. I had no words at all. I looked around me at everything I had feared. Everything looked and felt much different to me. Suddenly the idiosyncrasies turned into divine blessings. Everyone and everything in my world became sacred. The details. The love. The place…this place…I was on hallowed and sacred ground here. The bed, made just for me and the cinnamon roll under the glass cake safe, homemade by James himself…the carefully labeled bottles of shampoo and soap in the shower…everything was prepared just for me. The texts to get my ETA and the waiting up for me to get home…the promise that he would be up to see me off this morning…all of it…I missed all of it at first. Now, I’m just sitting here in awe of all of it. God himself sent Aiden to usher me off this weekend, into my own divinity, to come back to all of you different somehow. In my meditation space, writing with all of you this morning, I know I am. I am different.

I came here pretentious and uptight and scared. I was ready to run. I was less than I am in an effort to be more than I am. I wanted solitude as I needed some fucking love man. Aiden knew I needed someone leaving the light on for me and getting up to tell me goodbye this morning. James is a chef and he baked in Las Vegas, Nevada. James makes cinnamon rolls and he leaves them under the glass cake safe on the table for us. I left mine there yesterday because I assumed it probably wasn’t vegan. This morning I went and swiped it, because I don’t care if it’s vegan or not. That cinnamon roll, made especially for me, with all of his love…ya, that’s where it’s at. It’s in the love man!

Aiden showed me how I cry for love in a million different ways every single day of my life. More importantly, Aiden showed me how I shun that love for not being “just right” for me in the same million ways that I call it up.

The red adidas shoes and the accommodations in Pecos…the really, really hard class with an equally difficult name…the long drive down a dark road to a rural and serene space, prepared just for me. Aiden ushered me in and I tried to run right back out because I guess I learned higher standards and bigger expectations…fuck, I’ve no idea what I think I knew. I didn’t know a damn thing. I knew nothing. Now, as I sit here with my coffee and my thoughts and myself…looking down at my shoes and Aiden…waiting to go and greet my hosts…I just feel whole somehow. Like nothing is missing from me this morning. I want to stay. All I want to do is stay. Thank you for the lyric Enya. Pale Grass Blue is the song this morning, from Aiden, for each of us.

Please say it with me, to my guru, this morning, “I love you Aiden!!!!”

A brief visit from our sister Robin this morning….

Good morning everyone. I really don’t have a lot to share right now. I am horribly saddened by the state of affairs in our world. Senseless killing and so many people wishing they were not here…angry words and disposable friendships and families. Violence and hate being spewed from even the mouths of babes. Man, I’m fucking disheartened and sad about the way we treat one another. I am sad to be so unable to understand the world I live it. I have always felt that I am in this world and not of this world. Days like this, I feel this even more so.

I know I’m here to help, to be of service and to do life solid, by giving my very best. I really do try. I am way better at solving your problems than I will ever be at handling my own, and I am working on that. I am seeing so clearly that I can’t fix you. Hell, I obviously can’t fix me either. I show up where I am called and I often stay too long. I stay where I’m not appreciated or wanted or acknowledged. I show up excited to be a part of a world that you never even prepared space for me to be in and then I wonder why it feels shitty to be trying to be in it. It’s not my fucking world and this in not my circus and these definitely are not my fucking clowns!

And so I regress. Truly, on all things. In all situations in my life right now, I regress. I pull myself back and out. I pull myself up and out, and I pause, on everything. I am at a stand still on everything in my life…holding pause, turning within. I get to going so fast sometimes into and toward things that don’t feel just right to me, thinking this will right itself eventually. I see the error of my ways and I stand down and pause in my life, for a spell, to re-evaluate and to reassess my current situation. Big life decisions are on hold for me until at least October as I really take some time to feel how I feel and to end up where I belong. I’ve an offer in in a space that was accepted and then I realized that I’m not sure what I need the space for right now. So, right now, I slow my roll and pray and meditate a lot. For today only, I realize that I am right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. If the space is available in October and the clients are getting referred and booked, I will look again, into space outside of my current operating system. For now though, I have decided to work on the studio and to work on myself. I have decided that I prefer to lie kind of low and to turn inward as I re-evaluate some things in my life that are calling out to me.

I pray for patience and understanding, for love and light and for the ability to be content and in gratitude, no matter what. I pray for guidance and illumination. I pray for peace and prosperity. I pray for tolerance and understanding. Most of all, I pray to not partner with, end up with, or to be tied in any way, to anyone who does not listen to me, talk with me and value me. I remove myself from all situations that are not mine. I take my energy from that which has no concern for me. I lift up my brothers and my sisters who are on the brink of giving up, that they back away from the ledge that is beckoning to them. I lift up the sick and the broken and the beat down Lord, that you restore us to your glory, to your will and to your vision. May we be instruments of your peace Lord. May we be instruments of your love Lord. MY we be in your light Lord, always, in all ways. And so it is. Amen.

And our sister Robin chimes in…

I haven’t been up here too long, looking down over all of you. I’m not really up or down or over. I am everywhere now. From everywhere, I see how nowhere that you feel that you are. I watch you scurry around in a tizzy, trying to make it all just right….trying to line it all up and line it all out. I see your master plans in front of you, for a rebuild that isn’t yours. I see an overhaul coming on a rig that you haven’t fired up and taken out in decades. I feel your frustration and I raise you mine. You aren’t living your purpose. You aren’t fulfilling your Dharma. You are an ass kissing fool my friend. You are far more worried about being liked that you are about being yourself. You are way too worried about stepping on toes. You pick up the phone for people crying wolf while you are teetering over your own edge. Knock that shit off already! Truly, if they can’t love you, out loud, like a verb, and be elated that you showed up at all, keep on walking sister. If their cries simply get heard because they are louder than your own, you best raise yourself an octave or two or ten. You are a lame sitting duck Coral Dawn. You are a lame, and I empathize and emphasize at the same time, with lame sitting ducks my friend. What does anyone need or want with a lame and sitting duck? What does anyone want or need with someone who doesn’t feel worthy or good enough? What does anyone have to offer outside of you that you don’t possess within you? You don’t need office space. That space needed you. That space needed your love and your energy and your gift…you never needed that space. You were to sit in Lotus pose and pray for your world for hours and days on end, for a world who didn’t even open the door for you to enter. This is your time to stop and realize your error and to leave this place that doesn’t validate you, inspire you and open space up wide for you. This is true if all spaces, all people and all situations before you. If a space has not been prepared for you, this is your sign to walk by in love without crossing the threshold. If you can’t get calls and texts back and answers that don’t feel like dragging the bottom of a lake, you are notifying the wrong people, to light you up. If it feels wrong, it is because it is wrong.

Thank you for stopping in Robin, and for the message for us all this morning. Thank you for the angels who light my path. Thank you for a partner who loves me no matter what. Thank you for the love and support and input of friends and family, at a time when clarity eluded me. Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you! Great to spend time with you this morning sister! I love you!

A leap of faith is on the horizon for me!

Happy early Sunday morning everyone! I cannot sleep, as I’ve been working on plans for my new office space. I have been in constant prayer and meditation over this opportunity, as it’s a big decision for me. I am close to submitting an offer for the space I have chosen. I am asking for love and prayers to guide me in this decision and to light me up as I take a new platform and a new role in my life. This opportunity comes at a time when I am transitioning my focus and my work into spiritual overdrive.

It feels as though I have Always and forever obsessed with job descriptions and credentials and resumes. I have put in a lot of hours, sweat and tears, never really fulfilling my dharma. This opportunity comes at the perfect time, as I enter a place in my life where I do not give a shit about any of that. I do not care what my resume looks like or how many jobs or career paths I have previously chosen. I’m not attached to who you think I am or to what people think I do anymore. This venture is not about any of that. This is about being the light and this is about coming with that light and passing this torch. My mission is simple and that is to love us all home. This opportunity…this space…this opening…is simply an invitation for us all to show up and to work together. I will be available in my new office space three days a week. I am scheduling myself in office on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to start with. My appointments will be scheduled in one hour segments and two hour segments. My rate will be $100 per hour for all services and must be paid at the time of service. I accept cash, checks, PayPal and Zelle. Appointment times for Studio Sessions and for Animal Communication and Animal Reiki and for all Human and Animal Massage will all be conveniently billed at the same rate per hour, to keep it simple and affordable for everyone! All of everything else, I’m doing away with. Simple is my motto moving forward. Being available to everyone is extremely important to me, and so I am taking a huge leap of faith here and making myself available, by opening office space, continuing my mobile and pet sitting clients and by offering studio space at Santuario de Karuna on a one on one basis.

If there is enough interest, I will offer a monthly group meditation. I also have some workshops in the planning phases and will be available for lectures and silent space opportunities. I want to offer you plenty of time with me one on one. So…there are a lot of good things coming!

As I said, I need some extra hands and a skill set outside of my own to help me to demo a wall and to build a couple of walls. It seems pretty straight forward and yet, it’s not my strength, so is anyone available for a few hours this week to help me out? I am looking at this week on Wednesday or possibly Thursday? Any help would be greatly appreciated! Please hit me up if you can help a girl out. Thank you in advance!

I can feel the momentum building and the energy lighting up! I know that we are in for some amazing things coming! We must be the change. We must be the love. We must hold hands and stick together.

As I prepare to take this leap of faith, I ask each of you for all of your love and prayers. As I program for being both a provider and for being so provided for, I pray for each of us to give and get what we need from one another. My mission is to be of service and to be available. This leap of faith makes that more possible than it has been and for that, I am very grateful.

With my proposal in hand and my offer ready, I walk into the light, ready for all of the amazing opportunity, the financial security, the abundance and healing headed our way. Please pray for my offer to be accepted and for my proposal to be embraced and accepted, so that we can get moving toward all of the amazing things coming our way!

With all of my love and thanks this morning, I ask for all of your love and prayers as I jump, with all of my heart, into my amazing future. I really do hope you will join me!

All of my love today! I believe in the good things coming! And so it is.

Let us lie here in the sun together…

Good morning everyone. I am not going to lie this morning you guys…I am sad and discouraged. My heart is heavy and full of hurt for so many of you. I pray for the right prayer to lift the burdens that are breaking us down. I pray for strength where we are weak. I pray for love above all else, for each and every one of us.

I saw my Dad today. It has been over six months since I sat down for some time with my dad. Let me tell you something. My dad and I are bigger than our differences. My dad and I are more than the sum of all of the pain of the past. My dad and I have a choice, just like everyone else…We can take it or we can leave it. I left it for a bit and I wasn’t sure I was going to ever come back. I was so done being so hurt and so I stepped away. I had to step away and I am glad that I did. I am back now and I’m glad that I am.

The moment that I owned that every single moment of my life, all the way from conception, is my fault, my doing, my choosing…I began to heal, for the real. All of the abuse, the incest, the pain…all of the anger and violence…every single last bit of it…I chose it somewhere, way back there, to evolve and grow me. And guess what? All of this has grown me and is evolving me and I am finally truly grateful for that. Sitting with my Dad is way more important than anything that separated us in the first place. With my mom dead in the ground, my relationship with my Dad really matters to me. My dad and I…we forgive each other. For all of it…we both forgive each other for not knowing what we didn’t know before we knew it. My dad and I are the only ones who can forgive each other and ourselves and we finally have done that. No matter what took place in that relationship…no matter why…I just love my dad. I felt insane for feeling this way and I felt pretty inhumane not feeling this way. Today, I am just thankful to have my Dad back in my life. More than anything he has ever done to me, I love him. For me, after all of everything, it really is that simple. I just love my dad. I wasn’t sure how to do that after all That I came to know and I took a long hard look and a big step back. I needed to do that. Now, I am making a conscious decision to forgive and to be done with what has gone before me. I love my dad more than anything my dad ever did to me. I love my mom more than anything my mom ever did to me. I love my brother more than anything he has ever done to me. I love Tamara and you and everyone in my life, more than anything they have ever done to me. This is how I choose to live. This is who I choose to be. I haven’t always known I could make this choice and so today I am grateful that I’ve the choice to make. You have those choices too, you know? You can change the way you look at things too. You can decide that it’s going to be different, for you. For me, it’s going to be different. I am different. Forever changed and forever thankful, for the ability to be done with what no longer serves me. In my case, I’m done with many things…so, so done with so, so many things. My dad just doesn’t happen to be one of those things. You, just don’t happen to be one of those things.

Today, I make a choice to be here now and to be grateful to be here. Today my only question is how may I serve you? Is there anything at all that I can do to help you? If there is, please say the word. We are each only ever here to love each other through all of this. How can I love you better today? Let me know, would you?

To those of you in my life who are struggling, I wrap you in my arms and I hold you close to me. I pray with you and wipe away your tears. I surround you in love and light and healing. I pull you from the pool of your own shit, and I wash you clean and I lay you out in the sun to dry off and bathe in the light, right here next to me. For we are all tainted you see…we all need some time rinsed off clean in the sun to figure out what to do next. Let us just lie here together, in the sun, until we can stand up again. Let us not rush ourselves to our feet. Let us just lie here as long as we must, to heal and restore our faith. Let us lie here in the sun together. For as long as we need to, let us just lie here and come clean.

I love you every day. Today though, I love every single one of you just a bit more. Go out there and love each other just a bit more today, would you?

This morning, we Pray as our Father taught us to pray…

Good morning everyone! Yesterday’s blog didn’t upload, so I just put it up. I’m sorry I didn’t catch that yesterday and get it posted before I went to bed last night.

I hope everyone is off to a great start this morning. I have a busy day today of clients and friends and I am so thankful for both!

As my birthday approaches this year, I am doing a great deal of reflecting and introspection. I am going to turn this tide this year! I will not live another 365 days miserable, blaming, shaming, or in my past. Truly, my story has a purpose and I am all about fulfilling my purpose, my Dharma and my dreams. My pursuit of those things has ceased to be so driven as of late. I want love and touch and hugs and meaningful conversations. I want to know you and to be with you and spend my time being where you are, so that I can know you. I want to love you and to help you if I can, and to just be here if not. We are here to walk each other home as we fulfill our own. We do that by being in our lives, concerned about ourselves, and not so much what everyone else is doing or being. What we came for is more than enough and we finally get that. On some level, we finally realize that we are here to work on and worry about and grow and inspire ourselves to make this world a better place. We are not here to destroy Mother Earth and we are not here to be better than everyone else. Our battles and our struggles and our journey…all of this is ours with ourselves. The battles we fight the hardest and the longest are always the battles with ourselves anyway. Looking outside of ourselves for anything is very likely to turn up quite a bit of nothing. When we finally understand that we aren’t battling each other, we stand a much better chance to cease fire in this war we constantly wage out there on everyone else.

This morning as I lay here, I feel my mom with me. I have missed her so much lately and this morning, right now, she is sitting at the foot of my bed with me. I don’t want to move at All because I don’t want her to go just yet. Why did she come this morning? What prompted this visit? Last night while listening to Ram Dass lecture, I heard again that my mom has simply lost the form I knew her in. Without her form, I lost her for a while, as I couldn’t recognize her without her body. For a while after that, I was really pissed at my mom for some things and I couldn’t see her then either, because I told her to leave me the hell alone for a while. Yesterday though my Dad called with a message from my mom that he saw on a church marquee, which said, “I love you to the moon and back.” Of course it was my mom, AND my dad called to tell me so. My angels are waking up and I am waking up and I am so thankful. I started to get stuck in my anger and my pain and my blame and shame and resentments of things gone before me. I had issue dismantling myself enough to break enough to just let it all fucking be, and it took me awhile to fall completely apart. I walked away from a lot and a lot walked away from me. I chased and I cried and I begged and I pleaded for things to right themselves and they did not. I screamed and raged and wanted to kill myself to right my world again. I sit in gratitude this morning for many unanswered prayers. I sit in gratitude for my mom sitting here at the edge of my bed this morning. There are no words exchanged. Her presence is enough and I am grateful. Thank you for visiting me this morning mom. Please stay close. I miss you.

To everyone who is not sitting on the edge of my bed this morning, I am glad you’re here with me in the healing room. We are going to change format in here and we are going to do a makeover on content. The healing room is going through some renovation this week. By next Friday, the healing room and my entire life will be transformed in ways I cannot begin to fathom. As I approach my Birthday this year, I am so aware that I will never be the same. Ramping up for something epic and amazing and life altering…having no idea and every idea of what this means, all at once. My moms visit this morning is a very clear sign for me to grab ahold of the notion of letting it all go completely. Let it be Coral. All of it, every single last bit of it…let it be. And so I shall. I shall let it all be.

Encapsulated by the darkness this morning, and so anxious for the light of a new day to break with the coming dawn. Reminded that for all that I am not, there is much that I am. For all that lies before me, I have more than what I need within me. My passion to navigate it all was misplaced for a while and this morning I’m picking back up! I set down my drive and my passion and my knowing of myself somewhere back there. I lost my fucking way a ways back. I almost completely gave up on this home stretch. I came real close to chucking it all into the fuck it bucket a time or two. This morning though, I know beyond all knowings that I’ve previously held, that I’ve big work to do. I’m ready. I am absolutely ready. We are about ready for lift off. As we countdown to lift off, let us all assume the prayer position on our knees. There will be no mass ascension until all parties are on their knees and bowing in prayer. This rig won’t lift until all heads are bowed and all prayers are going up, for we are the weight of our own world and we cannot ascend to our heights until we assume the proper position to do so. So, if you would at this time, please bow to your knees in prayer position and join me in prayer.

Our father,

Thank you for hearing our prayers and for being here with us this morning. We know we have called you in prematurely a time or two. This morning though Lord, we are ready for ascension to your will. We are ready to abandon our own wills, that your will be done Lord. We remove our grubby little hands from your masterpiece of all knowing, and we take your hand to guide the way for us. We set down our swords and our weapons and we ask you to disarm us of our rage, anger and our intolerance. Please Lord, remove our blame and our shame. Take our insufficiency and our inadequacy and our not enough and shower us with your abundance Lord. Take our failures and all of our fuck ups Lord and let us be holy in your name. Remove our blinders and our judgement and our constant rhetoric about the way things are supposed to be. Lord, close our mouths and open our hearts up wide. Take our will and set that bitch ablaze Lord, that we operate only in your will. Let all beings operate in your will and in our highest good. Remove our thoughts and intentions of harm to ourselves and others Lord and return us to your image. Return us to your loving arms and into your loving care, for we have strayed Lord and we have lost our way. For those struggling and suffering and starving and dying alone, Lord please provide comfort and peace and love. For those without Lord, please provide. For those with Lord, please open our arms that we may bestow our bounties upon your downtrodden. Lord show us how to shower love upon all of your people. Show us how to love all of your people, without prejudice or judgement, without fear and absent of ridicule always, in all ways Lord. Lord please hear our prayer. Thank you for the bounty of our blessings Lord, for the wellness and the health and the happiness of our hearts Lord. Please make me an instrument of thy peace Lord, to do with me as though wilt. In your name and with your blessings, I ask these things for us all, that we may better serve you and your will and detach from our own will. Love us back to love Lord and guide us into your loving arms. We are carrying each other home and we ask you to shine down upon us and grant us your peace and mercy. Show us how to love unconditionally and allow us to recognize and receive unconditional love in abundance in our lives. Please show us how to operate in the highest good of us all, to love as you love and to pray as you taught us to pray, “Our Father, who Art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done. On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread. Forgive us our sins that we may forgive those who sin against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the power and the glory forever. Amen.” And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone I love you!

I just sat there on that bench…

Good morning everyone! Happy Wednesday. I have tried to take some time to sort me out and as I re-emerge, I am struggling a bit. Struggling mostly to just do the next right thing in the midst of so very many wrong things that have gone before me. The struggle of losing so much has been so painful and I’ve contemplated suicide more than I care to acknowledge. I got to a point with all of this that I decided It would be best to just end it all, rather than to keep killing my self slowly. Even upon reaching that conclusion, I held on. I held on because I know I’ve work that must be done here. I held on for Tamara and for the animals and for many of you. When I simply didn’t value me enough to hang on for me, I held on for you. All of this holding on by a meager little thread has been too much…way too fucking much, too close to home…and too close to taking me from me and from all of you. We live in a world where life holds little value and so losing the entire worth of me wasn’t hard to do at all. I could have been dead in the next moment, mourned and buried and memorialized, in moments that followed and gone from your sight, all just like that. The pain got that bad and I got that hopeless. The hopelessness and helplessness and the depression…it all just got to all consuming and overwhelming for me and I nearly broke completely. In these moments, in this brokenness…I had to either give in and let it all go or I had to find my will to live again.

Yesterday was my turning point. Yesterday was my day to leave here or to start figuring out how to stay here. Yesterday was the straw that broke this camels back and I did what I had to do, to stay here with you for a while longer. Yesterday, as the tears overtook me and as the world around me just kept crumpling…as my heart barely beat anymore at all, I made a decision. I decided to start doing some mending and healing and to contribute to my own wellness a bit. I decided to detach from my past and from my story. I decided to be loving awareness and to actually be forgiveness, instead of just praying for all of that for us all. Yesterday, the break that had been cracking me in two, finally broke me and I landed on my knees.

I ended up at the cemetery yesterday, meeting my Dad for a spell. I have not seen or spoken to my Dad since January and I don’t go to the cemetery anymore. I saw my Dad on the bench when I rolled up and the dozen red roses in my moms vase. My moms grave was grown over a bit. No one seems to go there much anymore. There was a funeral taking place on one side of us and a funeral had just taken place on the other side of us. I remembered my moms casket setting up there, waiting to be lowered down like that. I felt the sting of that day, so many days ago, of burying my mom. Here I was, walking toward the man that I buried right next to her. My whole fucking life, in that cemetery, on that bench yesterday. As I sat there sweating and with a constant stream of tears rolling down my cheeks, I hardly looked at my Dad at all. I just couldn’t. I saw his white hair and I focused on my own shoes as I stared way off into the distance. A distance so far away from us that I couldn’t catch any simulation of normalcy from either side or from anywhere at all…I just sat there, on that bench reading headstones and trying to be attentive. The pain of it all though…the pain of it all just rendered me pretty lifeless and motionless myself. As I sat next to my Dad, on the bench in front of my dead mom yesterday, I realized that I was very far gone from myself. I told my dad that I just didn’t know what to do with all of this fucking pain. As I cried and tried to hold on to something, every single thing in my world just fucking left me. I literally sat there and melted and drained myself of me on that bench next to my dad. My Dad reminded me that I had to just let it all go…all of it. The abuse, the blame and the shame and the pain of it all…I just let it drain out of me. I haven’t known how to do that and yesterday I was finally able to do that. Sitting with the man who hurt me and whom I have hurt so much, in front of the woman who held it all together and who blew us all apart, I finally just came undone. In that cemetery, on that bench, with my Dad, we came clean. We fell apart a bit and we were quiet a lot. I felt myself longing to just be okay, to just be happy, to just be whole. I wanted all of those things yesterday, more for my dad than I wanted them from me. The wanting and the inability to rise from these ashes has almost destroyed me completely. The blame and the shame and the resentments have taken me from me, almost entirely. Whatever happened to me and to my life…to my family and to cause such fallout…I realized that it really just doesn’t matter anymore. Yesterday, sitting on that bench in front of my dead mom, inside of my half dead self, with my very broken father sitting next to me, I just let it all fucking die. Her, me, him…I just buried us all in that fucking cemetery yesterday. Actually, I buried us all with her the day they lowered her into the ground. I gave up, on everyone and on everything in my life, because nothing made any sense at all to me anymore. The loss of my mother, followed by the lost of my brother and my father, and my entire family…and I accepted all of that loss yesterday. It is finished. It is finally finished. Everything before me is gone and I have buried the girl who died in this tragedy, in that grave with her mother and her father and her little brother. I have finally laid to rest, my life and all that it holds, that no longer serves me. I have buried that little family of four on Kings Row and all of the hopes and dreams and ideas…the wants and the needs and the expectations of a lifetime. I have released my wants and expectations and I have removed my desires and my will from the man who I call my dad and from the man whom I call my brother and from the woman whom I called my mom. I buried the abuse and the inconsistencies…the doubts, the fears and all of the questions yesterday. That cemetery closed in on me and the world collapsed on top of me. I sat there on that bench as my entire life drained from me.

As we got up to leave, everything was fuzzy and faded and far away. I don’t know how I got to where I went after or to whom I spoke. I know I got there only by the grace of God, as a decided not to find a bathroom there and to go where I was expected for lunch. I arrived at lunch with my girl and my dear friend, who carried me some more, through all of this. I arrived home and I just broke into a million tiny little pieces. As all of this breaking off and letting go is taking place, I find myself just feeling like I want to be quiet and still. As I left that bench, I hugged my Dad for a long while before we departed. I got into the FJ and I felt myself to be sure I was still in my body. I still feel as though I’ve not returned to my body completely. Suddenly, and not so suddenly at all, none of it mattered anymore. None of it held any weight anymore. None of it mattered at all anymore. My dad and I are hurt people, who have hurt people and been hurt by people, just like every other people. My mom was a hurt people who hurt people and who was hurt by people. I am a hurt people who has hurt people and been hurt by people. My little bother and you and your own little brother, are hurt people who have hurt people and been hurt by people. I realized yesterday, that it’s what we do with all of this pain that really matters…not what hurt us and landed us here in the first place.

On that bench in the cemetery with my Dad yesterday, I just let it all go…all of it. The only thing left and the only thing that matters anymore at all, is what I am I going to do with all of this. What I am going to do with all of this is that I am going to lift it all up in prayer this morning…all of it…and ask for forgiveness and to be forgiven. I am going to send it all back to the universe, all of it, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. So, for each of us this morning, whatever it is and whomever you cannot seem to forgive, I lift you up and I ask God to take our burdens from us this morning, that we all might come clean this morning. I lift up my Dad, with all of my love and light, right into the hands of God this morning, that he and I sit next to each other once again, in Gods hands and be cleansed, forgiven and returned to wholeness. I pray for each of us this morning to come clean with God, to bathe and rinse and dry off in the sun, as we release the pain of a lifetime behind us, that we may make our way I to the light of this new day. I lift up every single member of my blood family that they also be washed clean and restored to Gods will and set down in love and light, that they may also detach from the disease and dysfunction of many lifetimes that has tainted us all. God, hear our prayer. Lord, lift us up and forgive us our sins and those who have sinned against us, that we may be lighter and brighter and ready to serve you. In your holy name Lord, I ask these things and offer myself to thee, to do with me as thou wilt. I ask all of these things for the least of us, for we are the most of us, that we may know that we are home Lord. Thank you, for everything Lord. Amen. And so it is.

I close this morning with all of my love and with all of my thanks and with a very humble and grateful heart, for all of the good things coming! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

I loving memory of my friend Taffy…

Good morning everyone. Happy Monday. Over the holiday weekend, I lost one of my dear clients and friends. Taffy had to take his walk across the rainbow bridge on July 5th and is terribly missed here. This morning I dedicate my blog to Taffy, Lily, Rod and Nicole. Happy Independence Day beautiful boy! We love you and miss you so much already!

Rod, Nicole and Lily have written this beautiful piece for Taffy and they said I could share it with all of you this morning.

This is what they had to say about their beautiful boy;
We adopted Taffy, a senior whose owner had passed away, in December of 2016 from Top of Texas Corgi Rescue. From the moment he joined our family, his energy and love of life were always present. He loved to run across the fields chasing his dad and nipping at his calves, Corgi style. After a few months, we knew we had gained his complete trust and acceptance when he finally let us kiss him on the forehead, something that we did every single day after. We spent the next year and 8 months spoiling Taffy and his sister Lily. Going to the park three times a day, snuggling on the couch, and taking trips in our camper, even going all the way back to Pennsylvania. He was a joyful soul even as we started to notice a slight stumble when he walked. Later we would discover that he had degenerative myelopathy DM and intervertebral disc disease IVDD. As we started making adjustments for how our life was going to change, buying him a stroller, a cart and a wagon for moving around in the house, he didn’t seem to be at all affected by the changes in his body. In September of 2018 we went to Salado, Texas to get him hyperbaric oxygen therapy to help with the IVDD. When he was examined by the vet before his first treatment, she noticed two large masses which had appeared almost overnight. We immediately left the next day to go to our oncologist in Santa Fe who recommended surgery. The following day Taffy had his spleen and one kidney removed and the diagnosis came back as hemangiosarcoma and we were given 3 to 6 months.  We were devastated but determined to prove the surgeon wrong and Taffy was definitely up to the challenge.  He slowly regained his strength but not his ability to walk. We will probably never know what happened during surgery, but he was never able to use his back legs again. We continued to have hope that he would regain the use of his legs and did everything to help. After his recovery we took him back to Salado where he received 10 Hyperbaric treatments. When we returned to Las Cruces, we started him on Electro acupuncture, hydrotherapy, electrical stimulation treatments, Reiki, energy work and lots of physical therapy. Taffy was showing some moderate Improvement but when he went to the oncologist for his monthly exam in April we discovered that he had another large mass measuring 4 inches in diameter that had appeared within a month. Knowing the aggressive nature of this cancer, we decided to stop all of his treatments and accept the fact that he would remain unable to walk. After all, he didn’t seem to mind one bit. He was living in the now and we were worrying about the future. We decided we would just let him be a couch potato if he wanted or an explorer and adventurer too. We continued to take him on long walks using his sling, because his front legs were still strong. His dad would always push the stroller just in case Taffy got a little tired, which started happening more often as the months progressed. We were so focused on treating his cancer that it was sometimes easy to forget that he had DM. We were 10 months post diagnosis and he was keeping the cancer at bay while the DM marched relentlessly through his body making him weaker and weaker. For the last 10 months of his life, Taffy never left our side. He went with us in his stroller to restaurants and grocery stores,  home improvement stores  and  gardening centers. He even went to the gym with us once. And everywhere we went,  he made people smile. 
He let us know on Independence Day when we were camping at City of Rocks, that he was ready for his rebirth. We granted him his wish the following day as we held him in our arms and told him how much we love him and that we would never be apart. We pictured him flying across the Rainbow Bridge just as he used to fly across the fields here with us. 

Taffy never gave up and joyfully accepted everything we did for him. Taffy returned all the love we gave him tenfold. When his little body could not sustain itself any longer, he knew that he could count on us to show him the ultimate expression of our love for him. We will hold you close in our hearts little boy until we hold you in our arms again. All our love to you Taffy, now and forever. ❤💚💜💛💙
What a beautiful tribute for Taffy! Thank you so much for sharing your heart with all of us. Run free sweet Taffy. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life and part of your world. Please stay close to Mom and Dad, as they are heartbroken without you.
All of my love Rod, Nicole and Lily. I love you guys so much! Thank you for sharing Taffy with us this morning.
Could everyone please take Rod and Nicole and Lily in your arms today and lift them up? Surround them with your love and light today and always , as they find their new way without Taffy. Hold them close. Lift them up and love them through. That’s how we do it! That is how we will always do it in the healing room. Have a beautiful day everyone! Thank you for being here and for loving Taffy. I love you! Blessed be sweet Taffy! Run free my friend. Run free sweet boy!