Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

A brief visit from our sister Robin this morning….

Good morning everyone. I really don’t have a lot to share right now. I am horribly saddened by the state of affairs in our world. Senseless killing and so many people wishing they were not here…angry words and disposable friendships and families. Violence and hate being spewed from even the mouths of babes. Man, I’m fucking disheartened and sad about the way we treat one another. I am sad to be so unable to understand the world I live it. I have always felt that I am in this world and not of this world. Days like this, I feel this even more so.

I know I’m here to help, to be of service and to do life solid, by giving my very best. I really do try. I am way better at solving your problems than I will ever be at handling my own, and I am working on that. I am seeing so clearly that I can’t fix you. Hell, I obviously can’t fix me either. I show up where I am called and I often stay too long. I stay where I’m not appreciated or wanted or acknowledged. I show up excited to be a part of a world that you never even prepared space for me to be in and then I wonder why it feels shitty to be trying to be in it. It’s not my fucking world and this in not my circus and these definitely are not my fucking clowns!

And so I regress. Truly, on all things. In all situations in my life right now, I regress. I pull myself back and out. I pull myself up and out, and I pause, on everything. I am at a stand still on everything in my life…holding pause, turning within. I get to going so fast sometimes into and toward things that don’t feel just right to me, thinking this will right itself eventually. I see the error of my ways and I stand down and pause in my life, for a spell, to re-evaluate and to reassess my current situation. Big life decisions are on hold for me until at least October as I really take some time to feel how I feel and to end up where I belong. I’ve an offer in in a space that was accepted and then I realized that I’m not sure what I need the space for right now. So, right now, I slow my roll and pray and meditate a lot. For today only, I realize that I am right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. If the space is available in October and the clients are getting referred and booked, I will look again, into space outside of my current operating system. For now though, I have decided to work on the studio and to work on myself. I have decided that I prefer to lie kind of low and to turn inward as I re-evaluate some things in my life that are calling out to me.

I pray for patience and understanding, for love and light and for the ability to be content and in gratitude, no matter what. I pray for guidance and illumination. I pray for peace and prosperity. I pray for tolerance and understanding. Most of all, I pray to not partner with, end up with, or to be tied in any way, to anyone who does not listen to me, talk with me and value me. I remove myself from all situations that are not mine. I take my energy from that which has no concern for me. I lift up my brothers and my sisters who are on the brink of giving up, that they back away from the ledge that is beckoning to them. I lift up the sick and the broken and the beat down Lord, that you restore us to your glory, to your will and to your vision. May we be instruments of your peace Lord. May we be instruments of your love Lord. MY we be in your light Lord, always, in all ways. And so it is. Amen.

And our sister Robin chimes in…

I haven’t been up here too long, looking down over all of you. I’m not really up or down or over. I am everywhere now. From everywhere, I see how nowhere that you feel that you are. I watch you scurry around in a tizzy, trying to make it all just right….trying to line it all up and line it all out. I see your master plans in front of you, for a rebuild that isn’t yours. I see an overhaul coming on a rig that you haven’t fired up and taken out in decades. I feel your frustration and I raise you mine. You aren’t living your purpose. You aren’t fulfilling your Dharma. You are an ass kissing fool my friend. You are far more worried about being liked that you are about being yourself. You are way too worried about stepping on toes. You pick up the phone for people crying wolf while you are teetering over your own edge. Knock that shit off already! Truly, if they can’t love you, out loud, like a verb, and be elated that you showed up at all, keep on walking sister. If their cries simply get heard because they are louder than your own, you best raise yourself an octave or two or ten. You are a lame sitting duck Coral Dawn. You are a lame, and I empathize and emphasize at the same time, with lame sitting ducks my friend. What does anyone need or want with a lame and sitting duck? What does anyone want or need with someone who doesn’t feel worthy or good enough? What does anyone have to offer outside of you that you don’t possess within you? You don’t need office space. That space needed you. That space needed your love and your energy and your gift…you never needed that space. You were to sit in Lotus pose and pray for your world for hours and days on end, for a world who didn’t even open the door for you to enter. This is your time to stop and realize your error and to leave this place that doesn’t validate you, inspire you and open space up wide for you. This is true if all spaces, all people and all situations before you. If a space has not been prepared for you, this is your sign to walk by in love without crossing the threshold. If you can’t get calls and texts back and answers that don’t feel like dragging the bottom of a lake, you are notifying the wrong people, to light you up. If it feels wrong, it is because it is wrong.

Thank you for stopping in Robin, and for the message for us all this morning. Thank you for the angels who light my path. Thank you for a partner who loves me no matter what. Thank you for the love and support and input of friends and family, at a time when clarity eluded me. Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you! Great to spend time with you this morning sister! I love you!

A leap of faith is on the horizon for me!

Happy early Sunday morning everyone! I cannot sleep, as I’ve been working on plans for my new office space. I have been in constant prayer and meditation over this opportunity, as it’s a big decision for me. I am close to submitting an offer for the space I have chosen. I am asking for love and prayers to guide me in this decision and to light me up as I take a new platform and a new role in my life. This opportunity comes at a time when I am transitioning my focus and my work into spiritual overdrive.

It feels as though I have Always and forever obsessed with job descriptions and credentials and resumes. I have put in a lot of hours, sweat and tears, never really fulfilling my dharma. This opportunity comes at the perfect time, as I enter a place in my life where I do not give a shit about any of that. I do not care what my resume looks like or how many jobs or career paths I have previously chosen. I’m not attached to who you think I am or to what people think I do anymore. This venture is not about any of that. This is about being the light and this is about coming with that light and passing this torch. My mission is simple and that is to love us all home. This opportunity…this space…this opening…is simply an invitation for us all to show up and to work together. I will be available in my new office space three days a week. I am scheduling myself in office on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to start with. My appointments will be scheduled in one hour segments and two hour segments. My rate will be $100 per hour for all services and must be paid at the time of service. I accept cash, checks, PayPal and Zelle. Appointment times for Studio Sessions and for Animal Communication and Animal Reiki and for all Human and Animal Massage will all be conveniently billed at the same rate per hour, to keep it simple and affordable for everyone! All of everything else, I’m doing away with. Simple is my motto moving forward. Being available to everyone is extremely important to me, and so I am taking a huge leap of faith here and making myself available, by opening office space, continuing my mobile and pet sitting clients and by offering studio space at Santuario de Karuna on a one on one basis.

If there is enough interest, I will offer a monthly group meditation. I also have some workshops in the planning phases and will be available for lectures and silent space opportunities. I want to offer you plenty of time with me one on one. So…there are a lot of good things coming!

As I said, I need some extra hands and a skill set outside of my own to help me to demo a wall and to build a couple of walls. It seems pretty straight forward and yet, it’s not my strength, so is anyone available for a few hours this week to help me out? I am looking at this week on Wednesday or possibly Thursday? Any help would be greatly appreciated! Please hit me up if you can help a girl out. Thank you in advance!

I can feel the momentum building and the energy lighting up! I know that we are in for some amazing things coming! We must be the change. We must be the love. We must hold hands and stick together.

As I prepare to take this leap of faith, I ask each of you for all of your love and prayers. As I program for being both a provider and for being so provided for, I pray for each of us to give and get what we need from one another. My mission is to be of service and to be available. This leap of faith makes that more possible than it has been and for that, I am very grateful.

With my proposal in hand and my offer ready, I walk into the light, ready for all of the amazing opportunity, the financial security, the abundance and healing headed our way. Please pray for my offer to be accepted and for my proposal to be embraced and accepted, so that we can get moving toward all of the amazing things coming our way!

With all of my love and thanks this morning, I ask for all of your love and prayers as I jump, with all of my heart, into my amazing future. I really do hope you will join me!

All of my love today! I believe in the good things coming! And so it is.

Let us lie here in the sun together…

Good morning everyone. I am not going to lie this morning you guys…I am sad and discouraged. My heart is heavy and full of hurt for so many of you. I pray for the right prayer to lift the burdens that are breaking us down. I pray for strength where we are weak. I pray for love above all else, for each and every one of us.

I saw my Dad today. It has been over six months since I sat down for some time with my dad. Let me tell you something. My dad and I are bigger than our differences. My dad and I are more than the sum of all of the pain of the past. My dad and I have a choice, just like everyone else…We can take it or we can leave it. I left it for a bit and I wasn’t sure I was going to ever come back. I was so done being so hurt and so I stepped away. I had to step away and I am glad that I did. I am back now and I’m glad that I am.

The moment that I owned that every single moment of my life, all the way from conception, is my fault, my doing, my choosing…I began to heal, for the real. All of the abuse, the incest, the pain…all of the anger and violence…every single last bit of it…I chose it somewhere, way back there, to evolve and grow me. And guess what? All of this has grown me and is evolving me and I am finally truly grateful for that. Sitting with my Dad is way more important than anything that separated us in the first place. With my mom dead in the ground, my relationship with my Dad really matters to me. My dad and I…we forgive each other. For all of it…we both forgive each other for not knowing what we didn’t know before we knew it. My dad and I are the only ones who can forgive each other and ourselves and we finally have done that. No matter what took place in that relationship…no matter why…I just love my dad. I felt insane for feeling this way and I felt pretty inhumane not feeling this way. Today, I am just thankful to have my Dad back in my life. More than anything he has ever done to me, I love him. For me, after all of everything, it really is that simple. I just love my dad. I wasn’t sure how to do that after all That I came to know and I took a long hard look and a big step back. I needed to do that. Now, I am making a conscious decision to forgive and to be done with what has gone before me. I love my dad more than anything my dad ever did to me. I love my mom more than anything my mom ever did to me. I love my brother more than anything he has ever done to me. I love Tamara and you and everyone in my life, more than anything they have ever done to me. This is how I choose to live. This is who I choose to be. I haven’t always known I could make this choice and so today I am grateful that I’ve the choice to make. You have those choices too, you know? You can change the way you look at things too. You can decide that it’s going to be different, for you. For me, it’s going to be different. I am different. Forever changed and forever thankful, for the ability to be done with what no longer serves me. In my case, I’m done with many things…so, so done with so, so many things. My dad just doesn’t happen to be one of those things. You, just don’t happen to be one of those things.

Today, I make a choice to be here now and to be grateful to be here. Today my only question is how may I serve you? Is there anything at all that I can do to help you? If there is, please say the word. We are each only ever here to love each other through all of this. How can I love you better today? Let me know, would you?

To those of you in my life who are struggling, I wrap you in my arms and I hold you close to me. I pray with you and wipe away your tears. I surround you in love and light and healing. I pull you from the pool of your own shit, and I wash you clean and I lay you out in the sun to dry off and bathe in the light, right here next to me. For we are all tainted you see…we all need some time rinsed off clean in the sun to figure out what to do next. Let us just lie here together, in the sun, until we can stand up again. Let us not rush ourselves to our feet. Let us just lie here as long as we must, to heal and restore our faith. Let us lie here in the sun together. For as long as we need to, let us just lie here and come clean.

I love you every day. Today though, I love every single one of you just a bit more. Go out there and love each other just a bit more today, would you?

This morning, we Pray as our Father taught us to pray…

Good morning everyone! Yesterday’s blog didn’t upload, so I just put it up. I’m sorry I didn’t catch that yesterday and get it posted before I went to bed last night.

I hope everyone is off to a great start this morning. I have a busy day today of clients and friends and I am so thankful for both!

As my birthday approaches this year, I am doing a great deal of reflecting and introspection. I am going to turn this tide this year! I will not live another 365 days miserable, blaming, shaming, or in my past. Truly, my story has a purpose and I am all about fulfilling my purpose, my Dharma and my dreams. My pursuit of those things has ceased to be so driven as of late. I want love and touch and hugs and meaningful conversations. I want to know you and to be with you and spend my time being where you are, so that I can know you. I want to love you and to help you if I can, and to just be here if not. We are here to walk each other home as we fulfill our own. We do that by being in our lives, concerned about ourselves, and not so much what everyone else is doing or being. What we came for is more than enough and we finally get that. On some level, we finally realize that we are here to work on and worry about and grow and inspire ourselves to make this world a better place. We are not here to destroy Mother Earth and we are not here to be better than everyone else. Our battles and our struggles and our journey…all of this is ours with ourselves. The battles we fight the hardest and the longest are always the battles with ourselves anyway. Looking outside of ourselves for anything is very likely to turn up quite a bit of nothing. When we finally understand that we aren’t battling each other, we stand a much better chance to cease fire in this war we constantly wage out there on everyone else.

This morning as I lay here, I feel my mom with me. I have missed her so much lately and this morning, right now, she is sitting at the foot of my bed with me. I don’t want to move at All because I don’t want her to go just yet. Why did she come this morning? What prompted this visit? Last night while listening to Ram Dass lecture, I heard again that my mom has simply lost the form I knew her in. Without her form, I lost her for a while, as I couldn’t recognize her without her body. For a while after that, I was really pissed at my mom for some things and I couldn’t see her then either, because I told her to leave me the hell alone for a while. Yesterday though my Dad called with a message from my mom that he saw on a church marquee, which said, “I love you to the moon and back.” Of course it was my mom, AND my dad called to tell me so. My angels are waking up and I am waking up and I am so thankful. I started to get stuck in my anger and my pain and my blame and shame and resentments of things gone before me. I had issue dismantling myself enough to break enough to just let it all fucking be, and it took me awhile to fall completely apart. I walked away from a lot and a lot walked away from me. I chased and I cried and I begged and I pleaded for things to right themselves and they did not. I screamed and raged and wanted to kill myself to right my world again. I sit in gratitude this morning for many unanswered prayers. I sit in gratitude for my mom sitting here at the edge of my bed this morning. There are no words exchanged. Her presence is enough and I am grateful. Thank you for visiting me this morning mom. Please stay close. I miss you.

To everyone who is not sitting on the edge of my bed this morning, I am glad you’re here with me in the healing room. We are going to change format in here and we are going to do a makeover on content. The healing room is going through some renovation this week. By next Friday, the healing room and my entire life will be transformed in ways I cannot begin to fathom. As I approach my Birthday this year, I am so aware that I will never be the same. Ramping up for something epic and amazing and life altering…having no idea and every idea of what this means, all at once. My moms visit this morning is a very clear sign for me to grab ahold of the notion of letting it all go completely. Let it be Coral. All of it, every single last bit of it…let it be. And so I shall. I shall let it all be.

Encapsulated by the darkness this morning, and so anxious for the light of a new day to break with the coming dawn. Reminded that for all that I am not, there is much that I am. For all that lies before me, I have more than what I need within me. My passion to navigate it all was misplaced for a while and this morning I’m picking back up! I set down my drive and my passion and my knowing of myself somewhere back there. I lost my fucking way a ways back. I almost completely gave up on this home stretch. I came real close to chucking it all into the fuck it bucket a time or two. This morning though, I know beyond all knowings that I’ve previously held, that I’ve big work to do. I’m ready. I am absolutely ready. We are about ready for lift off. As we countdown to lift off, let us all assume the prayer position on our knees. There will be no mass ascension until all parties are on their knees and bowing in prayer. This rig won’t lift until all heads are bowed and all prayers are going up, for we are the weight of our own world and we cannot ascend to our heights until we assume the proper position to do so. So, if you would at this time, please bow to your knees in prayer position and join me in prayer.

Our father,

Thank you for hearing our prayers and for being here with us this morning. We know we have called you in prematurely a time or two. This morning though Lord, we are ready for ascension to your will. We are ready to abandon our own wills, that your will be done Lord. We remove our grubby little hands from your masterpiece of all knowing, and we take your hand to guide the way for us. We set down our swords and our weapons and we ask you to disarm us of our rage, anger and our intolerance. Please Lord, remove our blame and our shame. Take our insufficiency and our inadequacy and our not enough and shower us with your abundance Lord. Take our failures and all of our fuck ups Lord and let us be holy in your name. Remove our blinders and our judgement and our constant rhetoric about the way things are supposed to be. Lord, close our mouths and open our hearts up wide. Take our will and set that bitch ablaze Lord, that we operate only in your will. Let all beings operate in your will and in our highest good. Remove our thoughts and intentions of harm to ourselves and others Lord and return us to your image. Return us to your loving arms and into your loving care, for we have strayed Lord and we have lost our way. For those struggling and suffering and starving and dying alone, Lord please provide comfort and peace and love. For those without Lord, please provide. For those with Lord, please open our arms that we may bestow our bounties upon your downtrodden. Lord show us how to shower love upon all of your people. Show us how to love all of your people, without prejudice or judgement, without fear and absent of ridicule always, in all ways Lord. Lord please hear our prayer. Thank you for the bounty of our blessings Lord, for the wellness and the health and the happiness of our hearts Lord. Please make me an instrument of thy peace Lord, to do with me as though wilt. In your name and with your blessings, I ask these things for us all, that we may better serve you and your will and detach from our own will. Love us back to love Lord and guide us into your loving arms. We are carrying each other home and we ask you to shine down upon us and grant us your peace and mercy. Show us how to love unconditionally and allow us to recognize and receive unconditional love in abundance in our lives. Please show us how to operate in the highest good of us all, to love as you love and to pray as you taught us to pray, “Our Father, who Art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done. On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread. Forgive us our sins that we may forgive those who sin against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the power and the glory forever. Amen.” And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone I love you!

I just sat there on that bench…

Good morning everyone! Happy Wednesday. I have tried to take some time to sort me out and as I re-emerge, I am struggling a bit. Struggling mostly to just do the next right thing in the midst of so very many wrong things that have gone before me. The struggle of losing so much has been so painful and I’ve contemplated suicide more than I care to acknowledge. I got to a point with all of this that I decided It would be best to just end it all, rather than to keep killing my self slowly. Even upon reaching that conclusion, I held on. I held on because I know I’ve work that must be done here. I held on for Tamara and for the animals and for many of you. When I simply didn’t value me enough to hang on for me, I held on for you. All of this holding on by a meager little thread has been too much…way too fucking much, too close to home…and too close to taking me from me and from all of you. We live in a world where life holds little value and so losing the entire worth of me wasn’t hard to do at all. I could have been dead in the next moment, mourned and buried and memorialized, in moments that followed and gone from your sight, all just like that. The pain got that bad and I got that hopeless. The hopelessness and helplessness and the depression…it all just got to all consuming and overwhelming for me and I nearly broke completely. In these moments, in this brokenness…I had to either give in and let it all go or I had to find my will to live again.

Yesterday was my turning point. Yesterday was my day to leave here or to start figuring out how to stay here. Yesterday was the straw that broke this camels back and I did what I had to do, to stay here with you for a while longer. Yesterday, as the tears overtook me and as the world around me just kept crumpling…as my heart barely beat anymore at all, I made a decision. I decided to start doing some mending and healing and to contribute to my own wellness a bit. I decided to detach from my past and from my story. I decided to be loving awareness and to actually be forgiveness, instead of just praying for all of that for us all. Yesterday, the break that had been cracking me in two, finally broke me and I landed on my knees.

I ended up at the cemetery yesterday, meeting my Dad for a spell. I have not seen or spoken to my Dad since January and I don’t go to the cemetery anymore. I saw my Dad on the bench when I rolled up and the dozen red roses in my moms vase. My moms grave was grown over a bit. No one seems to go there much anymore. There was a funeral taking place on one side of us and a funeral had just taken place on the other side of us. I remembered my moms casket setting up there, waiting to be lowered down like that. I felt the sting of that day, so many days ago, of burying my mom. Here I was, walking toward the man that I buried right next to her. My whole fucking life, in that cemetery, on that bench yesterday. As I sat there sweating and with a constant stream of tears rolling down my cheeks, I hardly looked at my Dad at all. I just couldn’t. I saw his white hair and I focused on my own shoes as I stared way off into the distance. A distance so far away from us that I couldn’t catch any simulation of normalcy from either side or from anywhere at all…I just sat there, on that bench reading headstones and trying to be attentive. The pain of it all though…the pain of it all just rendered me pretty lifeless and motionless myself. As I sat next to my Dad, on the bench in front of my dead mom yesterday, I realized that I was very far gone from myself. I told my dad that I just didn’t know what to do with all of this fucking pain. As I cried and tried to hold on to something, every single thing in my world just fucking left me. I literally sat there and melted and drained myself of me on that bench next to my dad. My Dad reminded me that I had to just let it all go…all of it. The abuse, the blame and the shame and the pain of it all…I just let it drain out of me. I haven’t known how to do that and yesterday I was finally able to do that. Sitting with the man who hurt me and whom I have hurt so much, in front of the woman who held it all together and who blew us all apart, I finally just came undone. In that cemetery, on that bench, with my Dad, we came clean. We fell apart a bit and we were quiet a lot. I felt myself longing to just be okay, to just be happy, to just be whole. I wanted all of those things yesterday, more for my dad than I wanted them from me. The wanting and the inability to rise from these ashes has almost destroyed me completely. The blame and the shame and the resentments have taken me from me, almost entirely. Whatever happened to me and to my life…to my family and to cause such fallout…I realized that it really just doesn’t matter anymore. Yesterday, sitting on that bench in front of my dead mom, inside of my half dead self, with my very broken father sitting next to me, I just let it all fucking die. Her, me, him…I just buried us all in that fucking cemetery yesterday. Actually, I buried us all with her the day they lowered her into the ground. I gave up, on everyone and on everything in my life, because nothing made any sense at all to me anymore. The loss of my mother, followed by the lost of my brother and my father, and my entire family…and I accepted all of that loss yesterday. It is finished. It is finally finished. Everything before me is gone and I have buried the girl who died in this tragedy, in that grave with her mother and her father and her little brother. I have finally laid to rest, my life and all that it holds, that no longer serves me. I have buried that little family of four on Kings Row and all of the hopes and dreams and ideas…the wants and the needs and the expectations of a lifetime. I have released my wants and expectations and I have removed my desires and my will from the man who I call my dad and from the man whom I call my brother and from the woman whom I called my mom. I buried the abuse and the inconsistencies…the doubts, the fears and all of the questions yesterday. That cemetery closed in on me and the world collapsed on top of me. I sat there on that bench as my entire life drained from me.

As we got up to leave, everything was fuzzy and faded and far away. I don’t know how I got to where I went after or to whom I spoke. I know I got there only by the grace of God, as a decided not to find a bathroom there and to go where I was expected for lunch. I arrived at lunch with my girl and my dear friend, who carried me some more, through all of this. I arrived home and I just broke into a million tiny little pieces. As all of this breaking off and letting go is taking place, I find myself just feeling like I want to be quiet and still. As I left that bench, I hugged my Dad for a long while before we departed. I got into the FJ and I felt myself to be sure I was still in my body. I still feel as though I’ve not returned to my body completely. Suddenly, and not so suddenly at all, none of it mattered anymore. None of it held any weight anymore. None of it mattered at all anymore. My dad and I are hurt people, who have hurt people and been hurt by people, just like every other people. My mom was a hurt people who hurt people and who was hurt by people. I am a hurt people who has hurt people and been hurt by people. My little bother and you and your own little brother, are hurt people who have hurt people and been hurt by people. I realized yesterday, that it’s what we do with all of this pain that really matters…not what hurt us and landed us here in the first place.

On that bench in the cemetery with my Dad yesterday, I just let it all go…all of it. The only thing left and the only thing that matters anymore at all, is what I am I going to do with all of this. What I am going to do with all of this is that I am going to lift it all up in prayer this morning…all of it…and ask for forgiveness and to be forgiven. I am going to send it all back to the universe, all of it, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. So, for each of us this morning, whatever it is and whomever you cannot seem to forgive, I lift you up and I ask God to take our burdens from us this morning, that we all might come clean this morning. I lift up my Dad, with all of my love and light, right into the hands of God this morning, that he and I sit next to each other once again, in Gods hands and be cleansed, forgiven and returned to wholeness. I pray for each of us this morning to come clean with God, to bathe and rinse and dry off in the sun, as we release the pain of a lifetime behind us, that we may make our way I to the light of this new day. I lift up every single member of my blood family that they also be washed clean and restored to Gods will and set down in love and light, that they may also detach from the disease and dysfunction of many lifetimes that has tainted us all. God, hear our prayer. Lord, lift us up and forgive us our sins and those who have sinned against us, that we may be lighter and brighter and ready to serve you. In your holy name Lord, I ask these things and offer myself to thee, to do with me as thou wilt. I ask all of these things for the least of us, for we are the most of us, that we may know that we are home Lord. Thank you, for everything Lord. Amen. And so it is.

I close this morning with all of my love and with all of my thanks and with a very humble and grateful heart, for all of the good things coming! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

I loving memory of my friend Taffy…

Good morning everyone. Happy Monday. Over the holiday weekend, I lost one of my dear clients and friends. Taffy had to take his walk across the rainbow bridge on July 5th and is terribly missed here. This morning I dedicate my blog to Taffy, Lily, Rod and Nicole. Happy Independence Day beautiful boy! We love you and miss you so much already!

Rod, Nicole and Lily have written this beautiful piece for Taffy and they said I could share it with all of you this morning.

This is what they had to say about their beautiful boy;
We adopted Taffy, a senior whose owner had passed away, in December of 2016 from Top of Texas Corgi Rescue. From the moment he joined our family, his energy and love of life were always present. He loved to run across the fields chasing his dad and nipping at his calves, Corgi style. After a few months, we knew we had gained his complete trust and acceptance when he finally let us kiss him on the forehead, something that we did every single day after. We spent the next year and 8 months spoiling Taffy and his sister Lily. Going to the park three times a day, snuggling on the couch, and taking trips in our camper, even going all the way back to Pennsylvania. He was a joyful soul even as we started to notice a slight stumble when he walked. Later we would discover that he had degenerative myelopathy DM and intervertebral disc disease IVDD. As we started making adjustments for how our life was going to change, buying him a stroller, a cart and a wagon for moving around in the house, he didn’t seem to be at all affected by the changes in his body. In September of 2018 we went to Salado, Texas to get him hyperbaric oxygen therapy to help with the IVDD. When he was examined by the vet before his first treatment, she noticed two large masses which had appeared almost overnight. We immediately left the next day to go to our oncologist in Santa Fe who recommended surgery. The following day Taffy had his spleen and one kidney removed and the diagnosis came back as hemangiosarcoma and we were given 3 to 6 months.  We were devastated but determined to prove the surgeon wrong and Taffy was definitely up to the challenge.  He slowly regained his strength but not his ability to walk. We will probably never know what happened during surgery, but he was never able to use his back legs again. We continued to have hope that he would regain the use of his legs and did everything to help. After his recovery we took him back to Salado where he received 10 Hyperbaric treatments. When we returned to Las Cruces, we started him on Electro acupuncture, hydrotherapy, electrical stimulation treatments, Reiki, energy work and lots of physical therapy. Taffy was showing some moderate Improvement but when he went to the oncologist for his monthly exam in April we discovered that he had another large mass measuring 4 inches in diameter that had appeared within a month. Knowing the aggressive nature of this cancer, we decided to stop all of his treatments and accept the fact that he would remain unable to walk. After all, he didn’t seem to mind one bit. He was living in the now and we were worrying about the future. We decided we would just let him be a couch potato if he wanted or an explorer and adventurer too. We continued to take him on long walks using his sling, because his front legs were still strong. His dad would always push the stroller just in case Taffy got a little tired, which started happening more often as the months progressed. We were so focused on treating his cancer that it was sometimes easy to forget that he had DM. We were 10 months post diagnosis and he was keeping the cancer at bay while the DM marched relentlessly through his body making him weaker and weaker. For the last 10 months of his life, Taffy never left our side. He went with us in his stroller to restaurants and grocery stores,  home improvement stores  and  gardening centers. He even went to the gym with us once. And everywhere we went,  he made people smile. 
He let us know on Independence Day when we were camping at City of Rocks, that he was ready for his rebirth. We granted him his wish the following day as we held him in our arms and told him how much we love him and that we would never be apart. We pictured him flying across the Rainbow Bridge just as he used to fly across the fields here with us. 

Taffy never gave up and joyfully accepted everything we did for him. Taffy returned all the love we gave him tenfold. When his little body could not sustain itself any longer, he knew that he could count on us to show him the ultimate expression of our love for him. We will hold you close in our hearts little boy until we hold you in our arms again. All our love to you Taffy, now and forever. ❤💚💜💛💙
What a beautiful tribute for Taffy! Thank you so much for sharing your heart with all of us. Run free sweet Taffy. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life and part of your world. Please stay close to Mom and Dad, as they are heartbroken without you.
All of my love Rod, Nicole and Lily. I love you guys so much! Thank you for sharing Taffy with us this morning.
Could everyone please take Rod and Nicole and Lily in your arms today and lift them up? Surround them with your love and light today and always , as they find their new way without Taffy. Hold them close. Lift them up and love them through. That’s how we do it! That is how we will always do it in the healing room. Have a beautiful day everyone! Thank you for being here and for loving Taffy. I love you! Blessed be sweet Taffy! Run free my friend. Run free sweet boy!

There is no us and them my friends…

Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday. I was scrolling this morning, feeling all of the pain and sadness out there this morning and so I wanted to bring some love.

We saw “Rocketman” yesterday. I highly recommend seeing this movie. I am so glad we saw this movie! I wonder if we will ever truly know how cruel we are to one another and how much pain we throw around at each other? We exist in a pressure cooker of sorts, don’t we? Simmering until our tops blow off with all of the fucking pressure. We must not really know that we don’t have to live like this. We must not realize that we don’t have to live in pain all the time. Our pain follows us and we keep dragging it along, don’t we? Look around you and just see all of the pain. How can we heal this pain? How can we begin to heal this pain?

Love is the only way to heal all of this pain. Love is the only answer to combat all of this fear and pain and confusion. Love is all we have to arm us against hate and fear and pain, especially of this caliber.

We are surrounded by people less fortunate than ourselves, aren’t we? We see people with less than we have at every corner, don’t we? If we have it bad today, someone has it worse, no doubt. We must start showing and sharing our love if we are ever to heal ourselves and each other.

I believe that we are made to share our lives. I really do believe that we are here to be together. Solitude is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. Having someone to go to bed with and to wake up next to…that matters. It matters not to everyone that someone shares their bed. Our lives though…we share our lives with others every single day, don’t we? We work with others and we commute and walk and go to and fro, with others. We ought to learn how to be with others…we need to know how to lovingly be with others, don’t you agree? Instead, we fail to hardly see one another at all. We don’t touch each other. We make scarce eye contact with one another. We talk about each other, instead of with one another. We divide and conquer, instead of coming together and rising up. We must begin to know that we are the problem in our equations. We are the common denominator, the one that just doesn’t fucking add up in our lives. We are the missing links and broken pieces of our own puzzles my friends. We are who is missing!

Death comes and takes our loved ones and we are absent of the love we thought we had, to pull us through. My mom is in the cemetery and I almost landed in an asylum! The death of my mom literally rocked my world right off of its fucking axis and I will never be the same. You won’t be the same either, when your mom dies. You won’t know it now…you cannot know it until you lose her. When you lose your mom, you will know then that you will never feel loss like that again. It matters not if your mom was an angel or the biggest twat this world has ever known, your world will crumble a bit when that woman leaves you for good. It doesn’t matter if she was you best friend or your worst nightmare, when your mom leaves this world, your heart will break in ways unimaginable to you. Nothing else will ever hit you quite this way. There is no other pain like the pain of losing ones mom. Having my mom in the cemetery across town has most definitely rocked my little world and I will never be the same. We are all like that you know? We all have something that rips our soul into shreds and levels our playing fields. We all have depths that even we have not encountered and darkness we haven’t known. We all have darkness inside us that stays back from the light. We all have regrets of some kind and things we’ve done unflattering to others. We have stories we are ashamed of and things we have participated in, our of alignment with our very own souls, don’t we? Maybe you haven’t fucked someone else’s wife or showed up drunk to work. Maybe you haven’t stepped out on your marriage, ever, or treated her wrong too much…and yet you could treat her better, wouldn’t you agree? And we haven’t all lost our way and sucked dick in the Oval Office, and yet, my God, haven’t we lost our way anyway? We didn’t all gamble our lives away or shoot ourselves up with heroine. Not all of us know what an eight ball is or how to freebase anything. We haven’t all been raped and pillaged and abused…some of us are the rapists and the abusers. We so easily call these things out in each other…all of the things that we have so shamefully done ourselves. We look outside of ourselves to place blame and adorn one another with shame. We look over there, instead of digging deep inside ourselves. We know it’s not our fault, don’t we? All of it…we are simply not it. We own none of it, and we wonder why it persists. We didn’t do those things and we don’t act this way. We are monogamous and loyal and sober and vegan. We are educated and moral and upstanding. They are the ones who act this way…just look at them. My friends..just look at us, looking outside of ourselves, at everyone else, to see what is wrong with our world. Just look at us finding all of that fault with one another, at every single opportunity and turn. Look at us mocking the downtrodden. Just look at us humiliating the homeless by simply having more than they do. Look at us in the bottom of our booze bottles, getting our chits signed at AA meetings. We have the whole fucking world fooled, don’t we? We can play the fucking game, at least as well as they can, so fuck them, right? No one tells us that we are the problem. No one hands us that fucking mirror. We can so clearly see the problem and it is them. We are not what is wrong with us…just look over there at them!!! My friends…there simply is no us and them. Us and them does not even truly exist. This concept of us and them…this divide and conquer mentality…this fracture in our own psyches…there simply is no us and them. We are waging war on ourselves with this mentality and with the rhetoric that accompanies this thinking. We are not separate. We are not divided like we believe ourselves to be. We…you and I…we are the same. We are one and we need to understand this. Until we are all well, we will all be sick. Not one of us will ever truly be healed, as long as one of us is suffering and unwell. We must begin to know this if we are to ever truly heal. We must hold hands and walk together and we must wipe away each other’s tears. We must lift each other up and hold each other close, if we are ever to heal what is broken in ourselves.

On this day, I want you to be reminded that there is no us and them. We are them and they are us. They are us and we are them. We are. As you venture out into the world today, do something to lift us all up, would you? Truly, before you leave your house…before you crawl back into bed and throw today into the fuck it bucket…do something for someone who can truly never repay you. Love someone who doesn’t love you. Hug someone who needs it more than you do. Smile at someone who lost their own smile. Be the reason that someone gets through this day, why don’t you? Open that door and hold it for everyone! Take an extra five minutes to do whatever it is that needs five more minutes. Pick up that trash in the ground instead of waiting for someone else to do it. Buy two of whatever you grab for yourself and give one away. Be nice and loving and patient and kind with your kids today. Tell your husband how dapper he looks on his way out the door. Hold your wife a few seconds longer as you leave for work this morning. Call your best friend. Write that letter and drop it in the mailbox. Call and say you’re sorry. Ask her out to lunch. Give him your number. Lift him out of the gutter, wash him off and lay him in the sun! Every day, many times, we have an opportunity to be for someone, whom no one else could be for them. Let us all go out and be love today, okay? I fucking dare you! There is no us and them. So go out there and do something for all of us today! Dial that love dial all the way up and let’s get loving, shall we? We’ve got this you guys…we’ve got this!

I am Quitting my past cold tofurkey this morning!

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday! I began writing about a shift I had yesterday…an epiphany…an awareness, an awakening and an acceptance that came to me yesterday morning, for which I am so grateful.

Good afternoon beautiful people! I’ve a few moments before an EPIC studio session coming in and I’ve some great news to share with you all!! I was looking for an 8:30 am A.A. meeting this morning on Rio Grande to start my day off right. Early, as most always, I looked and looked and looked, to no avail for the meeting. I even went into a salon and asked if they knew where the address was. My experience in there was pretty typical…eye-rolls…you’re in the wrong place….and they had no idea where my meeting was. I was discouraged for a moment, as I stepped back outside to start looking again. I looked at my car, Big Book in hand, I chose to sit on a bench nearby and to have my own meeting this morning, instead of leaving all together. I thought I would read Chapter two, as assigned by my sponsor on Monday, and so I did. I read chapter two. I sat a spell longer and I reflected on something Wayne Dyer said. I am on an “All Wayne, all the time…” kick right now, as I need a spiritual kick in my ass. Wayne has never not given me that when I’ve called for it and today was no exception. Today Dr. Dyer was talking about quitting our pasts cold turkey, so to speak. Like right here and right now…just drop it. Somehow, today I heard it and I got it and I’m so fucking grateful for that. Drinking…I quit cold turkey. Smoking…cold Tofurky. My past, beginning today…I quit, cold Tofurky! Truly, I got it today…what all of you have been saying all along. My family doesn’t want to be with me. My past is behind me. My mom is dead, God rest her precious soul. I am here and I don’t need anyone who doesn’t want me in their life in their life. Not anymore.

Something lifted and shifted for me in those moments on the white bench, right around the corner from the AA meeting I missed. Something released and let go and I realized that I am okay. I became aware of a family that simply never wanted me to be in their family. I became equally as aware that I do not want to be their family either. I have hurt over all of this to the point of nearly ending it all. I have pursued these people to the ends of the earth for my whole life and it is finally finished. Yesterday, sitting all alone on that bench, I accepted who I am and where I am at in life. Yesterday I let go of my wants and needs and desires. I released my expectations and I just let it all go. As people came in and out of the Seasons, I released the memories of Mothers Day’s long past. I let it all just drain right out of me, right then and right there. All of this self-loathing and pathetic begging and wanting for something so long gone and far away from me…I just stopped. I just stopped wanting. I just stopped crying and hurting and needing the thing I thought I needed most.

Yesterday it felt pretty surreal. I awoke this morning and realize that I am still okay. This morning, I’m not grasping for my past. I am not angry or hurt or concerned about all that has plagued me. I’m not agitated or crying. I just am. I am so grateful for this revelation. I know that it is the sum of all that each of you have said to me all along…the words all finally fit together and made sense to me. The words that finally tied the bow on this little package came from a friend who told me, simply and very matter of factly, that my family simply doesn’t want me. What an astute observation. Truly. I missed that. I couldn’t even begin to fathom it and I guess the truth is often like that, isn’t it? Right in front of my face all along , and still so far from obvious to me, was the truth. So, this morning I am grateful to wake up here alone, without trying to attach myself to anyone or anything anymore. I am thankful to be a lone wolf and not merely tolerated. I have taken the pack off of my back for once and for all. I am done here and all of this is finished. It is a bit surreal to stand here by myself this morning, looking all around me. It began to feel a little empty until I realized that I’m not empty. I’m simply making room for those who have made room for me. There is a lot of room now and I am looking forward to the journey. For those of you who stayed and waited for me to come to my senses, thank you. I know you have all been patiently waiting for me to simply turn around. I know that you are my family and that you have chosen me to be so. I’m sorry I kept you all waiting. My tribe has assembled and my people have spoken. It is finished.

As I stand here and take one long, hard and last look around, and as I pack all of my trash to pack up to move out, it is so barren, so desolate. Don’t worry you guys….this is the last time you have to busy yourself when I stroll by, in an effort to not exchange words. I’ve no words left. I’ve nothing at all left for this place or for the people who occupy it, except for all of my love in parting. I am leaving for us all. I am going for us all. Most of all though, I leave here for me. I accept what I couldn’t accept all along and I say a prayer of thanks for all of the lessons and the blessings I have acquired here. I shall not pass this way again. Not in words nor deeds, not in death nor in life…shall I pass this way again.

For all of you who have known me for so long, I am here to let you know that the letting go has taken place. There is still some pain and as it lifts, I don’t want to talk about my family of old anymore. I don’t want to swim in this pool of pain anymore and I don’t want to inflict anymore pain either. I am simply walking away. To each and every person who has journeyed with me, thank you. To my mom and Dad, thank you. To myself, for finally knowing my own worth, thank you.

I stand here in the sun awhile, as I reflect on where I’ve been, before I head to where I’m going. I vow to not look back. I vow to seal the vault and to not return to this place again. This truly is finally finished. Walking away this morning, I know that I am saving us all, for our work here is done together. For all of those lessons, most especially the ones I now claim as blessings, I am so thankful.

As I finally turn around, I see all of you waiting with open arms for me. Thank you. Thank you for waiting for me to get it. Thank you for not giving up on me.

I am somber this morning, for I feel that I m at a funeral, laying to rest my entire life and all of those I’ve loved. I mourn as the caskets begin to close and lower into the ground around my mom. My family has forsaken me and I have forsaken them. I bury my past and all of its sickness and dysfunction this morning, I thank God for another day. This service is over and we are all free to depart from here and resume our own lives. All of my love family. All of my love and no more of me here anymore.

For a while I may not want to speak of my life before now. For a while, I just want to be silent and to learn what I don’t know. Thank you all for loving me through the most difficult task of my entire life…letting go of that which no longer serves me.

For all that I am not, there is much that I am. For all that you are not, there is much that you are. For all that we can no longer be for each other, let us go and be for someone else. This life is too precious and too short to spend one more moment in my past. Cold Tofurkey this morning, I quit my past! And so it is!

I have had the most epic studio sessions in the last couple of weeks! Yesterday was no exception. I am able to offer one session this coming week if anyone is in need. I’m still getting some things squared away in my life and will have more time soon. For now though, if you need time with me, please PM me as soon as possible so I can prepare a space for you. Thank you to everyone who has scheduled. My time with you in studio session heals us both and I am so thankful for this time with you! Thank you.

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! That is exactly what I am going to do…I am going to go enjoy my new life! All of my love today, to each of you.

“This Little Light of Mine….”

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday. I hope your week is beautiful so far! I feel very blessed and grateful for my week so far! Much healing and reflection and I am so thankful!

Looking out there at all of you, I feel your struggles and your amazing strength and resilience, I know I must keep forging ahead. I know I mustn’t give up or give in. We are rounding the corner to love and greatness my friends…we must hang tight and hold one to one another. We are way too close and we have come way too far to give up now, haven’t we?

We all need to know something really that is really hard to know. I am just learning this and I want to pass it on to all of you right away. All of these years and I’ve known and not known this all at the same time. Everything you dislike in me and all that I dislike in you…that is our mirror of all that we hate and dislike in ourselves. That is really all that is. My irritation with you is my mirror to my own inadequacies and my own unresolved frustrations. What I beat the shit out of you for…that is, in actuality, me battling me. We are not at war with one another. We have waged this war on ourselves. We are destroying ourselves my friends, with all the things we hate and cannot fix in ourselves. “Principals before personalities”…it’s is a daily reminder in AA…and it’s becoming a daily practice for me. All that we cannot stand in someone else…it’s simply our mirror in to our own depth. At a superficial level, we all seem to be pretty likable. It is the depths of us that have sickened and weakened us and made us ill. Our illness is our inability to see that we are really the only one in our own way. We vomit our depths out there pretty subconsciously a lot of the time, all over the people whom we love and cherish the most. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Forty five years of learning and I am coming to know things I have never considered, in the loving rooms of AA. I am humble and ashamed and embarrassed, all at the same time, at the things that I don’t know. Truly…basic stuff…I haven’t known it. Worse still is that I didn’t know that I didn’t know it. In the rooms, there is a book and this book has some basics in it that we have all missed out on. I am beginning to read this book with my fellows, in the rooms of AA. As I sip the best cup of coffee in the most important chair in my world right now, I really am humble at what I am coming to know. You know that I’m going to share, what I’m coming to know, with all of you, right? I mean, what kind of asshole would I be if I kept all of this glory to myself, right?

My reason for beginning this blog a couple of years ago was to get it all out, rather than keeping it all in. All of my thoughts and feelings and trauma and pain…I came here to deal with the sudden and lifelong illness of my mom and then her death. I came here because all of that, all of everything around that beautiful woman, caused me so much fucking pain. Truly, you’ve no idea the tides of the pain and the enormity of loss…the knowing and inability to not know…the waves and the crashing about of my container and my existence, in my journey after the death of my mom. Losing ones mom is no fucking joke. Truly…no matter who the fuck you are or who your mom is or is not to you…you will never know a pain like losing the woman who carried you in. You will hurt in ways unimaginable until you are graced with such loss…And you will come to know now what you will never not know, ever again, when her heart stops beating, that you are alone in ways you could not have fathomed. You will be transformed and transported and hurled into hells you never thought existed, at least not for you, as you reach for her and can no longer touch her. You will return to infancy and you will cry and wail and scream as your heart shatters. You will do these things….some of them and maybe all of them, and so many more things, when your mom leaves this world, that will make no fucking sense to you at all. Sense will leave you completely as you shatter into shards, when your mom dies. Whether you love her or you hate her, and whether you knew her or you didn’t…whether she held you or punted you and regardless of how you think you know you will feel…it all goes straight to hell in a hand basket, when your mom dies. Don’t take my word for it. Hell, I didn’t take your word for it, did I? We cannot take each other’s words for it my friends. We simply cannot do that, as we must journey for ourselves. Do not heed my warnings. Go out and find your own survival skills out there. AA is giving me survival skills…skills that I never knew existed at all, and I am so fucking grateful. I will pass them on to you, as you all pass them on to me. We are all here to do that you know? We are all here to walk each other home…to love each other without condition.

I dedicate this morning’s blog to my mom and my girl, Tamara, the two most beautiful and amazing women in my life, and for such different reasons. Strong women whom I learn so much from, every single day. In the rooms I am meeting some strong fucking women. I am a strong fucking woman. You are a strong fucking woman! Did you know that? And you men…you are some amazing and beautiful and strong fucking men! We are here and we are strong and we must not disempower ourselves any longer. We have what it takes, whatever the fuck that is, to be better than we were yesterday, so we not? We have a little light inside of us…I am here to light us up! “This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine…”

Have a beautiful day everyone! You are not alone! You are powerful beyond your own knowing and you have what it takes. I believe in you. I’m going to go get what it takes to believe in me just as much. I love you. I really do.

I am so thankful for AA coffee…

Happy Monday morning. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I am blessed to have had some amazing client appointments, spectacular studio sessions and I hit a few meetings. My weekend was full and my heart is full. My struggle is real and my heart is full just the same, which I am grateful for.

For me lately, I feel tethered to nothing. I feel like I’m just flailing around out here, desperately trying to connect to something solid, something tangible…all things love and light and truth. My life has become unmanageable, which has enlightened me to the disturbing reality that my life has always been unmanageable. I have always been out there, flailing around and tethered to nothing or no one. Alcohol fueled all of that momentum nicely my whole life, and now I feel empty of my fuel. I feel like I don’t have what it takes, like I don’t know where to get what it takes, other than the loving rooms of AA. And so…that is where you will find me. I didn’t learn these principles at home. I didn’t learn these things in church or school. I didn’t learn many things at all and so I am learning now, how to be a good human being and how to not be selfish and self-serving. I am sad to know how selfish I have been, how selfish I often still am and how far I’ve left to go, as I feel pretty stupid standing here, not knowing. I feel pretty bad about some things I do know and some mistakes I did make. I feel really sad about where I came from and the sickness I was born into. I feel isolated and alone and confused as I begin to unravel what I couldn’t even fucking look at before. AA is not for the faint of heart and yet it’s the only thing left for me. My faint heart will simply have to man the fuck up, roll up her sleeves and get a fucking grip on reality. Sobriety is sobering. Sitting in the rooms and feeling brand new, listening to people’s stories and holding space for broken hearts, I know I am home and I know that I am where I belong.

In our church growing up, we hosted AA meetings. I remember that they had blue bibles and we had black ones. They were sick and we were not, so stay away. Don’t touch their cabinet and stay away from them if they are here. They are smokers and drinkers and stay away from them. I never knew what any of that rhetoric meant. I only know I see and feel people like that in the churches I now frequent for my meetings. No one wants what we have…they want to get the fuck away from us so they don’t get it. So…to cheer you up a bit…you cannot get what I have by sitting next to me. You cannot be stricken with my story simply because you hear it. AA is for people who are sick and some of them smoke and we do have blue bibles. We are closer to God than many of the people in the pulpits. We are more wise than the matriarch of most common families. We alcoholics are a sick fucking bunch, gathering together to tell our stories, in an effort to live well. We drink the most amazing coffee that you will ever taste in the rooms of AA…as my sponsor pointed out yesterday…AA coffee is some humble fucking coffee. Every AA cup of coffee is the best fucking cup of coffee I’ve ever had, as it is brewed in the rooms of AA, and it fits perfectly into my shaking and sweating hands. AA coffee tastes like humble…tastes like healing…tastes like the life we are living. I am so fucking thankful for AA coffee. I fucking love AA coffee. The days that I fuel myself on AA coffee are the best days because I am reminded that I am doing my best to get better. AA coffee…there is nothing like it and they always leave the coffee pot on and the light on for us…Always. None of my friends in addiction could offer me that…only one friend in my addiction offered me AA coffee and stale Oreos…and I accepted, simply because she needed me to go to a meeting with her.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I have not touched alcohol in almost six years. My mom got cancer and died quickly and unexpectedly and I did not drink. My Dad decided that I just wasn’t for him anymore and he left and I didn’t drink. My brother, who used to be just down the hall, feels so, so far away and I wish I could go have a drink with him, like old times, and catch up. I miss my little brother so, so much and in all of this depression, I can’t reach or reach back much. I see my family blown apart, and I don’t drink. I struggle in my marriage and I don’t drink. I hustle to make money and to not have to struggle making money and I don’t drink. Friends and family scattered like wildfires and I do not drink. Medical issues plagued me and I was prescribed enough drugs to kill off a small army and still, I did not drink. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. My place is in the rooms. My life has become unmanageable.

I thank God for my seat in A.A. and for the best fucking coffee in the world. I know that I belong here and that I am always welcome here, no matter which room I wander into. All are welcome here, as long as you’ve a desire to quit drinking, you can come and drink the best coffee ever with me. You can brew your own and you can but your own and you can bring your own…you will never have a better cup of coffee though, than the cup of coffee in those little white styrofoam cups in the rooms of an A.A. meeting. As you are shaking and sweating and crying and barely able to be here at all, your little cup of coffee will shift hands and sit next to you on the floor…maybe on the seat next to you…and you will be next and you will forget about your coffee at all, as you share. You will either have just had the longest three minutes of your life or the time flew by too quickly for your share…and you will reach down for that white styrofoam cup, to grab the security of that cold ass cup of coffee. You will see the coffee makers in the distance and the tear-stained faces all around you, and you will grip your big book like your life depends on it, for you are in the loving rooms of AA and you feel so, so alone. You will watch the clock and pray that time starts to crawl, for time is passing and soon, the doors will open and the coffee will be gone and everyone will scatter. In these final moments, as I scrape myself together, I just want to live in these rooms and drink this coffee until I can stand on my own again. And so, I will live in these rooms and drink this epic fucking AA coffee, gather and collect my phone lists and a new highlighter…I will live and love in these rooms until I can live on my own again. I will thank God for every single cup, for every single drop, of AA coffee. AA coffee is the stuff that allows the broken healing and the unwelcome to be welcome. AA coffee lets us all be the same for an hour at a time, as we prepare to share and heal our stories together. AA coffee is the only coffee for me right now, as I grab another cup and take my chair. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.