Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Did I mention that I am home?

Happy Wednesday everyone! Did I mention that I am home?!

I have been away and with some amazing clients, at the home of some of our very dearest friends. I am always so at home there and so welcome there and so loved there. Even when they are away, they love me. They leave me the best vegan goodies! They leave fresh linens and fill the refrigerator of my favorite things! Best clients ever at loving me like a verb. My mom got sick and they flexed so I wouldn’t lose my pay. My mom died and they were at the mortuary for the viewing, the day that my very soul cracked. Every single moment since, and every bottom that fell out, they have loved me so, so much…like a verb, always, in all ways. Janet and William have become our close and dearest friends, our family actually…our chosen family. Being in their home is home also. Home is where you are safe and loved and always welcome. Home is a place prepared. Thank you William and Janet, Teddy, Alice and Penn for being so fucking amazing! Thank you for your love. Thank you for inviting me into your sacred space to love the ones whom you love more than anyone else; while you are away. Thank you for all of your love, like a verb, for your friendship and for believing in me and my work so, so much that we helped to bring Aiden home…and we walked Gypsy and Hannah home and we walk home together. I love you and appreciate you and thank you so much for being such a part of me!

Being away from our home is the best reminder of how blessed I am to have our home to come to. Being away from Tamara is the hardest part of anything I ever do. Seeing her before I fall asleep and watching her wake up…morning coffee and “light” conversation, as I’m learning (Thank you baby) are the best part of waking up….(you know you did it too…”is Folger’s in my cup…”). Seriously though…being away from her always brings me back to her…closer and more sacred…more beautiful and true…more real and honest…more raw and open. I am thankful I feel this way about the most amazing woman in the world! I love you Tamara. Thank you for taking care of everyone while I was away. I know you have been double-timing it for me for a while now. I thank you. I love you. I’m coming home baby! I’m coming home!

Spooning with Rocky and hugging Baby Taos…playing “shake your po po” with Aliah…nestling in Nahko Bear and Mala Bears fur and having Prajna sleep at my heart all night…watching Karma Kitty sleep in front of the fire…because I missed them so, so much. Taking Rocky’s face in my hands this morning and holding him close to me, I realized I missed them all for more than a few days…I miss them all for the time that I have been gone from me. I have seen them and touched them and been so unable to reach them since my Mom got sick. My bottom fell out and I just could not come back up. My bottom had more bottoms and the last bottom to fall out, I sank even lower than my first, and I just could not come back up. Hondo stood before me yesterday and I was with him, and I and so thankful to be back home!

Being away from home, and coming home, almost for the first time since my mom passed away, I got my head above water once again. I am breathing once again. I am home, once again. I haven’t had a breath since my last bottom fell out, when the man I trusted more than anyone, showed himself to be a liar. I finally took a breath, as I pulled into our driveway. Coming home yesterday morning, as the sun began to rise before me, with snow falling all around me, with Tamara’s voice on surround sound in my beautiful FJ, I thanked God for his mercy and for his grace, I shifted up a couple of gears, to get home to my girl. The snow fell softly. Pink blared through the speakers and I sang along, with my little big brother Jamie riding shotgun, queen amongst queens, with all of his heart singing louder than myself…I smiled a huge smile. I began to become myself again, to like myself and love myself again. “What About Us”…we are us! AND we are the best fucking part of us! All of us…we are the best part of us.

My world has been shaken and my PTSD has had her way with me for the last three years. Every time I get back up, I get knocked for a mother fucking loop! I come crashing to the ground and I cannot know how it happened. I am done with this cycle. My last bottom has fallen out. I am done with the drama that spins this fucking circus. I am done with the gas lighting and the bullshit. I am done talking about and consuming myself with the pain that rocked my fucking world. I am moving forward. That’s it. I am done back there, wondering, wishing, hoping. It is what it is. It has always ever been what it is. Nothing changes what it is.

I am an artist and a writer and a mother fucking poet. I have always been these things. I am love. I am learning what that means, to be love, to be loved, like a verb. I am a gifted and very blessed “healer”, although my views on that are that I am not. My hands…me…my words…those flow through me. The healing does not come from Coral and it never has and never will. I am a vessel, a portal, a voice…for the healer himself/herself/yourself/myself to enter in and to do their work. I am so blessed and so grateful and so thankful to be able to be who I am. I am so fucking excited to begin to know who that is! Thank you for being here with me while I figure things out. I love you. Did I mention that I am home?!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Thank you for bringing color to my world…

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you had a beautiful day of love yesterday! I had a beautiful day of love and I feel so, so blessed.

I won’t lie, there was a sting yesterday…an emptiness of things gone before. A void where my Mom and Dad once were…a sadness that could not be consoled. I sat silently all evening, gazing off into the nothingness…bringing my mind back in from wandering through times behind me, as much as possible. Thinking of Valentines Days gone from me, I began again yesterday, to make this day my day of love. All of my love and gratitude for those who loved me so much, those whom are gone from me now. To my Mom in heaven, Happy Valentines Day Mom. I missed your strawberry cake and your cream puffs…your velvet heart box of chocolate candy and your beautiful red roses and glittery card. I miss you mom. I love you.

I cannot not feel as I’m feeling. I am doing my best to just sit with it and let it have its way with me until it passes. I am trying not to ask why and I am trying not to hurt. The truth is, I do hurt. I hurt so fucking bad that I can barely breathe. I hurt so deeply that I am paralyzed sometimes, and all I can muster the strength to do is to sit and stare into the nothingness. Wipe the tears from my cheeks and release the lump in my throat, and let it pass. I do this all of the time, to acknowledge the pain and to give it its space and then to set it free.

I could never have known how things would come to be. Nothing could have prepared me for the lies and the deception…the horror that rocked my life…the horror that embodied my life and held me in its grip for so long. I could never have heard the words, still unuttered, even as they ricochet through my mind and annihilate my very troubled soul. On Valentine’s Day, in the midst of amazing love, I just could not let go of the absence of love that brought me here. The candy heart conversations have ceased and the chocolate has all been eaten…the roses have wilted away and died…the cards stopped coming and the time is behind us. A life cut short too soon, to ever have the conversation I have always needed the most. Inside of me there is the conversation I will never have, with a person who is gone, about what in the fuck happened to me and my life. Yesterday, the reality hit me like a ton of little candy hearts…it is finished. It is all finished. There is nothing I can do. There is absolutely nothing I can do with all I have come to know. I’ve been carrying all of these bits and pieces around with me, praying they will somehow come together. These jagged little pieces will never come together, for they are not my pieces, and they never fucking were my pieces. I have been cutting myself on the shards of someone else. I have been left bleeding and scarred horribly by someone else’s transgressions. As I wade through the bullshit and the rhetoric, I begin to see the light of my new day. As my eyes open and I come to know the truth, my eyes fill up with tears and my heart starts to break in two…I shut it down. I think enough has been taken from me already. Enough love…enough time…enough of me…enough of being too much and of not being enough…enough of being an empty and hollow little valentine. Running along with Cupid, shooting my little Cupid bow and arrow..rallying up the love of the masses, with my lifeless and loveless and broken little heart. Enough! Enough! Enough!

I have based who I am upon where I came from. I have defined myself by the life that I was born into and to the ides of those who brought me here. I have adapted their stories and paid their debts…I have survived the unsurvivable. All of this, to be with all of you right now. Had one moment been different…had one horror not have happened, I would not be with you this morning. And so, for all of it…every single bit of it, this morning I bow and give thanks. I am so grateful for everyone and everything in my life, for it has brought me home to you.

I rise and I fall. I ebb and I flow. I try and I come up short. I hit and I miss. I wake up again and I give it all I’ve got to give. I am here for a purpose and I intend to fulfill my dharma. I will live my life from a new plateau now…from a heightened space where I can see and know the world around me. No longer lost in the crowd, I have become the stage. Let us all stand up here together and love this world back to good again.

Your past…no matter who you are, myself especially, is your past. It is behind you for a reason. Your parents, like my parents…they are just people. Flawed and fucked up and dysfunctional as all get out. Your nightmares are my own and the horror…I survived it too. The flashbacks and the blackouts…the PTSD and the trauma…yep, we share that also. And guess what, we fucking earned it! We earned our stripes, didn’t we, you and I? So why do we try so hard to hide our stripes? Why do we hide the very best of who we are behind the veils and the evils of those who refused to do their own fucking work? Why are we not shredding this fucking veil already? Why are we still standing behind it like it’s going to lift itself…like someone is coming to save us? There is no one coming to save us. There has never been anyone coming to save us my friends. We must save ourselves. Only we can save us now. Only we have ever been able to save ourselves. Knowing this and accepting this shall be the foundation for my life. There are no others.

As blessed as I am and as much as I am loved, sometimes the lesser loves that I have lost along the way, still hurt me. As much as I am, sometimes I forget. As far as I have come…I often fail to cheer myself on!. As much as I have, I often find myself wanting more. As much as all of this hurts, I am so thankful for the lessons. I am beyond thankful to have the most amazing girl on the world to love me no matter what…for amazing friends and dedicated and gifted angel therapists and doctors, placing their hands and intentions in me to heal the pain that a lifetime can no longer ignore. I am thankful that Shawn is back because of all the things I have ever lost, I missed my baby brother the very most. Through all of everything, my baby brother has meant so much to me and I thank God that we found our way back to one another.

Today, most of all…this girl is fucking blessed and so thankful for the love and abundance and beauty in her life! You are part of my color and part of my beauty and I am so glad you are here with me this morning! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

Happy Valentines Day my loves!!!!!

Good morning everyone! Happy Valentines Day! I’m choosing which holidays to keep and which holidays to celebrate and this shall be my favorite! A day to celebrate our love. Today is of special importance to me, as I am finally home. Today reminds me of the love that blesses me every moment of every day, and the woman who bestows this love upon me. Happy Valentines Day to my love, Tamara. Every day is Valentine’s Day for us, as we love each other in all things. Ugly crying and shattered relationships…death and loss. We have hit some pretty low lows and we are on our way to soar the to the highest of heights together. I love you baby! I am so ready for all of the good things coming for us!! Thank you for carrying me through when I’ve been unable to carry myself.

Today is a new beginning for me and I am so, so thankful. I get to love and celebrate love on my terms. I get to make my own Valentines! I get to love learning what love is to me and how it isn’t so skewed anymore.

Today I woke up next to the most beautiful and amazing human being on the planet. We spent the morning together before we both had to head off and do our own thing for a bit. We get to be the love we want to be and see and know and feel in our lives. We get to project that love we put into the world with all of our hearts and I am so thankful, grateful and blessed on this day.

Every day is a day of love. Every day we have a choice. Every day I choose love. Valentines Day seems the perfect day to make a conscious decision to commit to choosing love at all times and in all things. Love or fear? I choose love. On this day and every day. More than New Years for me this year, is Valentines Day, my new beginning and my first breath of fresh air. My eyes are opening and my heart is coming forth. Today shall be the day that brings me back from the places I have been. Today I return home.

For each and every one of you, on this beautiful day of love…I send you all of my love. I remind you that you also have a choice, every day. Every moment of every day presents opportunity for choices. I invite you to choose love.

Happy Valentines Day my loves! I love you! Happy Valentines Day Tamara! You are my world and I love you with all of my heart, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond! Thank you for teaching me love and for loving me through my unloving places. We break on through to the other side…we burst into the flames of love! And so it is.

“There is No One Else” a poem by Coral

Happy Monday morning everyone! I am watching the sun rise and I am so glad to be here with you! Truly, I have been teetering on the edge for a while now. It is so fucking nice to be back!!!!!

And so I write with my brother Rumi and Mother Maryam this morning. My first poetry in a very long time, so be kind! I love you!

“There Is No One Else”

There came a space that lent no mercy, over a sea of salty tears. A ledge that ran out in a tsunami of my fears.

To and fro and past my limit, before crashing down into the great abyss that knew no bounds. I have come to let you that I met my end and my maker. And I have returned to you now.

My heart is pure. The darkness fades to light and I am in gratitude and thanksgiving. My love told me a million times that life is for the living.

The balance has returned and I have found my center once again. My walk through my own personal hell was made tolerable with the love of you, my friends.

For all that caused me to feel so lost, I gave it all to find myself. I was reminded once again that there is no one else.

We come in alone and we leave alone when our time comes. This walk is only ever been, to remind us that we are one.

My fears and my transgressions and my unknowing of myself; only to learn once again that there was never anyone else.

The reminder of loves mercy, when I finally set it all down. I couldn’t see clearly to save my own life, what I see so clearly now.

The oneness that felt more like aloneness had been a Segway to myself. I stand here to remind you that there is no one else. There has never been anyone else.

Our choices are but two, as they have always been. You choose love or you choose fear. Either way, you win.

For fear teaches us the lessons that blessings alone cannot reveal. Fear brings us back to love, and it always will.

As long as we are open and as long as we stay true, fear will bring us back to the greatest love we never; always, only ever really knew.

As we flail in competition and as we fight to stay afloat, I simply came to remind us all that we are rowing our own boat.

We compete, only ever with ourselves. The battles and the demons, they were never those of someone else.

The darkness and the light; the shadows and the cracks that rage inside. We must remember that these are only ever, the turbulence of our own tides.

I forgot in all of my self-inflicted fury, that I could simply set it down. I flailed and suffered horribly, until exhaustion finally threw me facedown to the ground.

So, I came here this morning to remind us once again, there are truly no others. We may begin again.

Set it down. Turn it over. Lift it up and set it free. Give yourself your glory, for God you are indeed.

If it serves you, keep it and if it doesn’t, let it go. If it sets your soul on fire, then I don’t need to tell you what you already know.

If it poisons you and makes you sick inside and you think the outside world can’t see; I am here to remind you, that you, simply reflect me.

Your demons are my own and I love you just the same. You and I are kindred spirits. We hover as moths over the very same flame.

Dial it down and breathe it out. Take a moment and give thanks. Remember once again that it’s all in what you think.

You are divine. You are radiant and glowing. Whether you know it yet or not, your cup is overflowing.

There is only ever you to blame and only ever you to thank. For, how you perceive your world and your surroundings is the gas you put in your own tank.

I love you. Have a beautiful day!

You are writing your own story. Make it a good one!

Good morning beautiful people! Happy Friday and what a day to make a different choice, wouldn’t you agree?

I went to bed with my body blessed by angels once again and I am so, so thankful! I went to bed next to the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world…my truest and dearest friend and my best confidant…my soulmate and my lover…the co-founder of a dream that we are building together…my anchor and my rock…and I am blessed beyond measure! I had a day full of the most beautiful and grateful clients, who pay me well and love me well and I am open and ready for some more clients like that please! I had a beautiful morning working with my colleagues, for the healing of one of our very own, and I am blessed beyond measure to be amongst such prestigious colleagues, who know and trust my work, to have me place my hands and my energy upon their best friends. I will always value and invite time like this, to give back to those who refer and share me with you, so that I can help you too and pay my bills. To everyone who loves me like a verb…thank you, and I am an open invitation for some more love like that please! My little brother and my sister checked in on me, as we have been most recently doing for one another and I will definitely have some more of that please! I had weekly tea with my very best friend, Sigrid, and I will always welcome more time and love and space and honesty and friendship, like a verb, like that, in my life! Coral and Sigrid tea time is nourishment and fuel for my soul on this journey and I am blessed! To all of these endeavors, I drove in the FJ Cruiser that I love and cherish so much, as Jesus takes the wheel, and my musical medicine blasts through the speakers, of the piece of my mom and dad that I have left, and I am thankful! I feel my beautiful and radiant cousin, Regina, in and around all of the good and positive and wonderful memories of my past and with me always on this journey and I love you so much cousin! Always, in all ways, I have room for love like Regina…thank you and more…yes please! I arrived home safe and sound at our Sanctuary in the woods, surrounded by all of my best friends…for they love me from wherever they are, to wherever I am, always and without fail or prejudice, and I am home! My health is good and getting better every day, in every way. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And I am so thankful for my life and for those who share this journey with me. Every day begins and ends in gratitude. Every day I am better than I was yesterday. And so it is.

This is the version of how my day ended and began that I am choosing to share and to focus on. These are the parts of my day that I am pulling out to give thanks for. These moments are my focus henceforth. These are the people I choose to rejoice in and to be grateful for, as are they for me, life’s breath. Everyone and everything else, that does not serve my highest good, I release! I stand in love and for, love in all things. I believe in love and I believe in each of us. I believe, with all of my heart in the good things coming! Thank you, my brother, Nahko, for your love.

Love is an action word and I challenge each of to truly grasp this and to know this and to live this! Love in action will open up your life!! Love in words…well, we all know what that empty and often loveless love feels like, don’t we? Where there is void, to be love in action and you will fill the void. Love in action is not always easy, as it is an action, not an empty mouth full of empty promises and lies. Action, being in action and of service…very different from choosing the “right” words, wouldn’t you agree?

We all make a choice every time we open, or do not open our mouths. I am choosing to keep my mouth closed in situations where I have nothing kind to say. In this silence, I pray for peace for those whom I choose not to open my mouth to anymore. I choose to whom I speak and to whose calls I heed. I choose whose words I shall open myself up to. I give myself permission to leave when I am done. I give myself permission to choose the clients whom I can help and to charge accordingly for my time and my services. I ask the universe to bless us all that we be synced together for our highest goods. I pray that we all feel the value of the relationship we walk into together. I pray that we each be served and valued for our life’s work and our contributions accordingly. And so it is.

Have a beautiful Friday everyone! You are writing your own story today. What will you write? Let’s write a with all of our hearts, shall we?

Scattered all over this morning…

To be spun wildly by the inertia that is me, has me in a bit of panic and uncertainty as of late. Wiped out completely by waves of my unresolved thoughts and emotions. Knowing that when my mind finally stops that my body will follow, and yet being unable to calm my mind enough to experience the stillness. The taunting and teasing ceases as the carrot once dangling in front of me ceases to exist. There is nothing. Nothing anymore except the void of the space left in between, all of the people and places that mattered so much to me. Crashing and slamming and pounding and racing and ripping is this pain in my heart, attempting to ricochet it’s way out of the prison that holds us. The world keeps fading to black and I scurry towards the crack of light. My heart shatters and I scramble to gather her pieces in my arms. A scurvy elephant all of my life ( Thank you for that reference Wayne Dyer)…I break off to find my tribe.

The darkness consumes me and I claw and gnarl and tear to break free of her grip. My darkness is your darkness and your darkness mine. We are the only way out. When I am in my darkness, I reach for you. In your darkness, reach for me. We will break free…you and I. We will break free to see a sliver of darkness in the light. We will run and awaken her darkness to her beauty and bring her to our light. As long as I must, I shall stay here, enduring what remains of my darkness, while focusing ahead on the light. I am the light. You are the light. As surely as I am learning this, I am telling you…you are the light! I don’t know exactly how to begin with me. I am learning. I am failing a lot. I am getting back up a lot, and I am weary.

Depression hurts. Have you ever seen that commercial? The dog pans in and he is as depressed as his person? Depression hurts. Ask Baby Taos. Ask Rocky or Aliah or Prajna or Nahko Bear or Mala Bear. Depression hurts. Ask Tamara. How it must feel to be wanting only to get in. And how lonely it does feel to want nothing more than to get out. Open the door from the inside Coral…remember? I remember, and I cannot forget, and so depression has made the knob slippery and my hand loses her grasp. With my hand around the knob…too slippery to open the door, I am reminded that depression hurts. My hand is around the knob to the door that is my salvation…the door that sets me free, like a noose that hasn’t tightened to its limit yet. Depression hurts.

You know I just thought of something a little odd and probably blatantly obvious. I grew up listening to virtually nothing but country music. I see people struggling with video game addiction with their kids, and how it impacts them. The violence and the sexual assaults become normalized and kids mimic what they constantly engage with. My music auto-shuffled yesterday and country music was shuffled in with Nahko and Lady Gaga. As some of the songs played, I realize that some of all of this dysfunction that I am in right now must have something to do with being patterned in formative years by by music like that. I am not blaming Merle Haggard or Johnny Cash. I’m certainly not saying that Patsy Cline put the glock in my mouth in my 30s. I’m simply pondering the idea that listening over and over and over again to the woes of the alcoholic, as they normalize the exploitation and sexualization and demoralization of women might fuck a formative child up a bit in their thoughts and feelings. Constant drunken and disorderly conduct being repeatedly normalized must have had something to do with my having normalized those things in my own life. Johnny Cash and “Sunday Morning Coming Down” was my fucking life! I ate Merle Haggards “Rainbow Stew” for breakfast. I’m sure that Charley Pride and his song about when he stops leaving he’ll be gone, has nothing to do with my running from every good woman that came before me. I sat next to George Strait in “The Chair” and I listened to song after song after song about adultery and infidelity. I could go on for weeks…and please don’t get me wrong. These are some of my favorite songs. I’m just fucking sayin, as a kid, with her ear pressed to the speaker, it probably mattered what I was listening to. My opinion is that it does matter. I love county music and I probably always will. Those are my memories and my road trippin songs with a family long gone from me. Listening to those songs now is helping me to to put my own puzzle together, I wonder how significant it is that those were the messages I heard from the moment I was conceived. Again, I believe it matters. What messages do we want our kids to hear? We must be mindful what we play in front of them. I was the worst step-parent ever, as I had absolutely no concept of this what so ever. I thought it my duty to pass it on, in case it suits it serves you. As always, take what you need and leave the rest. We get what we get when we get it, as Tamara always reminds me.

I want my life narrated by my friend Wayne Dyer. I love Morgan Freeman. I just really feel Wayne is the one to narrate my life. He has been doing it in my head for years! Just throwing that out there. Anyway, Rough night last night, and a scattered blog this morning. Rough night last night, and so I write to heal us all.

Thank you for being here this morning. I really am glad you’re here! I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day!

Today I celebrate me!

Good Monday morning! I am taking my five year chip today at noon and I’ve got a lot going on inside me. Tumbling around and tossing itself about…that which is not mine. I realize that it is not mine and so I write this morning to release it.

Corals morning dialogue with self went something like this;

Why did I invite the people I invited to see me take my five year chip? Hmmmmm…I invited a few of my friends to come to see me take my five year chip because I desperately want for them to have what I have. I see that their struggle is real. Being invited to an AA meeting five years ago, on my way to happy hour, is why I am sitting here sober this morning. And so, I invited them to a meeting with me, like I was invited to a meeting with a friend five years ago. There are others that I invited because I want them to see me sober…as they have only ever known me in active addiction. I want them to see me. There are people that I invited because they have been my fucking lifeline over the course of my sobriety. Phone calls and texts straight from the heavens…on days when I wasn’t sure where my next breath was coming from…you were my breath. Thank you. Invited the people I love the most…the people who have loved me the most…like a verb. I invited all of you. I will see those if you whom are so called or so moved to be with me today at noon!

My life had become unmanageable. That’s Why I’m Here. Thank you Kenny Chesney.

The last year for me has been my most difficult, as I accept that I’ve been let go of. I didn’t think there would be a more difficult sober year for me than the year my mom died three years ago. It just reminds me that I am in control of nothing…absolutely nothing at all. My mom sent me one last card in the mail before she died and that card was congratulations for my sober birthday. A Dr. Seuss Birthday card form my Mom and Dad, in my Moms writing. My mom was so proud of my sobriety. There is no fucking way in hell I’m letting go of it. I am not sober for my Mom, and not I am not sober for anyone else. I am a sober woman for me and that is how I stay sober.

Today I thank each and every one of you who left, for you made room for those who belong here and want to be here. Thank you. I thank each of you who stayed, for your love has kept me going. I thank God. Thank you Tamara for inviting me to that meeting five years ago. Thank you.

AA is a private thing really. Friends of Bill. Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason…and so I just wanted to reflect on why I felt I wanted to make my five year chip public this year. I invite you to a very deep and personal part of myself, when I invite you into my sobriety. I invite you into an even deeper part of myself when I invite you into my life before sobriety. So, there you have it!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

We will float…

Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I am not going to lie…the struggle is real this morning. I held the tears below the lump in my throat all day yesterday. This morning I felt the dam breaking and I tried to hurry down the driveway before I collapsed in heart wrenching exhaustion. I was wailing. The tears were squirting out of my eyes…no longer falling down my cheeks. The dam fucking broke and I could not contain the pain. The dam broke and I could not, if my life had depended upon it, have stopped the flood of tears. I could not catch my breath and I had to medicate for a bit before I could even meditate. I felt it coming on like a fucking tsunami…I was about to fucking crack. I lit the fire and paced around a bit. Tears still shooting out and my hands shaking. I knew I would not let this take me down. I knew that I could pause and breathe and make a different choice. I will make a different choice. I prayed for the wisdom this morning in my meditation with Rumi to guide me. My prayer was answered. I know what I must do. My heart broke again. My shooting tears, gently fell down my cheeks. I sobbed. My hands could not contain the tears. I sobbed some more and let them go, dripping onto my shirt. These tears shall wash away that which no longer serves my highest good…that which no longer serves your highest good. These tears…my tears, for us all. I cry them after over forty years of holding them in. I have been crying non-stop since October of 2015. I have been crying inside since I was conceived of. I wash it away…all of it away, for all of us. This flood is our salvation. This flood shall wash us clean. We must not sit here any longer and drown. We must swim. We must swim until we float. We will float. In absolute tranquility and without any struggle, pain or fear…we will float. And so it is.

I am thankful beyond words for my medication. My PTSD cannot unfuck itself once I go spinning off of my axis like that. I am thankful that this morning, I had some warning before it hit. I am thankful I was able to get the spinning to stop before I couldn’t. I am so fucking thankful to Tamara for holding me up this morning, so that I would not hit the ground. Tamara is my rock. I am so thankful for you my girl, for loving and accepting me, as sick as I am and right where I am at. Thank you.

I get discouraged some days. I feel like I have terminal illnesses that no matter what I do, cannot be cured. I am an alcoholic. I will always be an alcoholic. I have C-PTSD and I will always have C-PTSD. Some days I really do get discouraged by that. Oh, and I got the call to schedule my pelvic injections and pudenal blocks for January. The clenching and the fucking pain…oh the fucking pain. Even in a fucking snow drift up past my knees, I can still feel this fucking pain. And fuck! Just fuck! How do we address that? With more pain. Good pain…and excruciating pain, none the less. Oh, and I find myself in this mother fucking trash bag by the curb again. Some days all of that really fucks with me pretty good. Some days it hurts me so badly that I cannot even open my eyes before the tears start. Today was one of those days. Up by 4:00am and trying to pull myself together by 8:00am to leave for work. And the struggle is fucking real, isn’t it?

So what do we do? Today, I will do my best to rise above it. Today I will be of service. So if you need me, please let me know. I will see how I can help. I will go to work because I know my gift is needed and my work is good. I will stand in my convictions and I will not go where I’m not loved like a verb. I will stand up for myself and my brothers and my sisters. I will write. I will love. I will have heavy doses of musical medicine. Nahko and SOJA are in my immediate future, to remedy this pain. I will love. I will love. I will love. And so it is.

I love you. Have a beautiful day!

I am 5 years sober today!

Good morning everyone! I am overflowing with gratitude this morning for my sobriety. I am not going to lie…it’s all a bit surreal.

Five years. My life has changed so much in the last five years. Being sober is an experience I never wanted to experience. Now I have no desire to ever be drunk again…no desire to be absent…no want to be numb enough that I convince myself that I don’t feel at all. Becoming me is an eye-opening and life-transforming experience. I thought I was me and so all of this un-becoming…well it’s a fucking trip to be honest with you! Sobriety for me, is a choice I never even knew I had and not a choice at all. Abstract and so fucking concrete all at the same time.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

This morning…this day…this date…all markers for a journey that I’ve been on. I’m just going to start writing my emotions…my thoughts…and maybe it will make sense. Maybe it won’t. This morning I need to purge some, to release some…to just do me a bit.

My reflection on the last five years:

Five years. A lifetime. Yesterday. Counting seconds. Days eternal. Infinite depth. Buried alive. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. Fractured bones. Destroyed relationships. Broken dreams. Countless Coronas. Lime trees. Broken. Absent. Missing myself. My drink was my medicine. Medicine for the pain of my past and medicine to keep moving at all. Alcohol saved me. Alcohol destroyed me. Five years ago I stopped.

I stopped drinking. I stopped numbing myself and my pain. Five years later, without my medication, I fucking hurt. My body hurts. Sober hurts. Stinking thinking hurts. Dry drinking hurts. The Serenity prayer helps. Being of service is the only real salvation. Ever. For anyone. Love is the answer. For all things, love is the answer. My sadness shows itself to you as anger. Mostly, I’m just sad. Today I am silent. Today I am thankful. Today I reflect. Being sober with Tamara is my most beautiful gift. Tamara is my most beautiful gift. I love you Tamara. My little brother is my most wanted gift, ever. I love you Shawn. My Mom is my greatest loss. I am my Fathers greatest loss. I love you just the same Dad. Even when it hurts the most, I love the most. I always have. What isolates me from you brings me closer to me. I am five today. I stopped believing that I could drink just one. I stopped lying to myself. I wanted what you had and so I went out and I got it for myself. I miss my Mom today. I wish my Mom could be here to see me now. I am here to share what I have with you. Sometimes it hurts too deep to bridge the gap. Scapegoating is not for me. Sober is the new strong. Strong is the new humble. Humble is. I am. You are. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

Today I thank God for the courage, especially on the days I feel so weak. Because of my sobriety, I am coming to know serenity and I am so thankful. The work for me is in the wisdom to know the difference. And so, on bended knees I pray:

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me to keep coming back. Thank you for sending me someone to help me to find my way in the blinding storm. A storm that I had no fucking idea that I was in. Blinded. Thank you for Tamara. For every lesson, turned blessing and for every “no” that led me to a “yes”…for every ending that became a beautiful beginning…I am so thankful. Today, I thank God for reminding me of who I am under the shroud of who I was made to believe I was. To each and every one of you who loves and believes in me…thank you. Blessed and so thankful for the crack where the light enters me. Thank you my soul brother Rumi for illuminating my path. And so it is. Amen.

I celebrate each of us today. My five years and your five minutes…your fifteen years and her 31 years. Your desire chip and my hand outstretched before you. I am here and I love you. Have a beautiful day today!

We fucking love you Cherie!

Good morning everyone! We woke to a blanket of white snow on everything and 8 degrees outside! It’s beautiful and peaceful and quiet and serene. I am home here and I am so thankful. I belong here and I am grateful. I am at peace here. Even in my unrest, I am at peace here in these mountains, here with this woman, here with these sentient and beautiful and peaceful and healing beings. Everyone is still safely tucked inside their cozy beds awaiting the sun. I came down to write and to meditate. The pellet stove burns bright and the lights glisten off the snow. I sit to spend some time with you this morning. Wherever you are, I hope you are safe and warm and content. Thank you for praying with me yesterday. We will be praying together a lot, to heal us all. Until every single one of us is whole, not one of us will truly be whole. We must come to understand this…to know this and to be the love that tips the scales, not the hate that keeps us petrified, holds us hostage and stunts our evolution and our growth.

There is someone sleeping in our house right now whom epitomizes love. Love is an action word and this woman is in action…in selfless action…consistently and all of the time. Yesterday morning as Tamara and I were shoveling and snow blowing our way to everyone, this beautiful woman was preparing for a trip to our house, to help dig us out. With her permission, I to dedicate my blog today to our dear friend and sister, Cherie. Our beautiful angel…Cherie.

Our beautiful angel lives at least an hour from our home, on a good weather day. As I had mentioned, we have been under blizzard watch and the roads, though open, were treacherous. We had at least two feet of snow on the ground and it never stopped snowing yesterday. With many obligations of her own and with her snow shovel and her overnight bag in tow, she set out to brave the storm for us. We had no idea she was coming until she texted to let us know she was stuck and awaiting a tow.

I have spoken endlessly about love as a verb…love as an action word. When we love, we are moved into action. Love is why we are here in the first place.

It is now 4:30pm and everyone at Santuario is tucked in safe and warm. Our dear friend and sister Cherie is home safe and sound…cold as a popsicle and probably ready for a good nights sleep. Cherie left her own rescue and her own dogs and her own husband and their home to come and be of service to us. I cannot think of a more shining example of selfless than that, can you? We had a slumber party here at Santuario last night. We broke bread together and we talked to and listened to one another. We love you Cherie! Thank you for making time for what is important you. We are touched beyond words at your love in action. We are sorry for all of your troubles trying to reach us and we are glad you are home safe and sound with your babies tonight.

Thank you to our neighbors for giving Cherie a hand. You guys know who you are and you fucking rock! Thank you for stopping and taking the time to help a dear sister of ours in need. Tamara and I love you and are so thankful for the love up here in the hood! Truly. We have amazing fucking neighbors. We have amazing people in our lives and we just want to thank each and every one of you for how you see and love us. We love you all right back!

Back to Cherie…what a glorious human being…what a selfless example of love in action. Cherie, thank you for leaving all that you love and hold dear in life to come and help us. We love you. We thank you. We’ve got you too sister!

This evenings, I write for us all:

Some of us who feel the least loved are the most loving. Some of us who hurt the worst, help the most. Some of us who cry ourselves to sleep at night wake up every morning, just to make you smile. We go so far out of our way for others sometimes that we actually often forget our own way back. We love. We love fucking fierce. We regress. We begin again. We fall and we stand back up. We know you need us to stand back up and so we do. We hurt. We are love. We stand united and we know that we are not alone. We show up. We know why we are here and we are fucking in…we are all in…all the time…we are all in. We love. We forget that we deserve love to. We are learning who we are…how we feel and what we want. We will let you know what and how that is. We would appreciate like effort from you. We matter. We love. This is how we do it…those of us who walk this walk. We just fucking do it. We are all in. We are inspired and we are on fire. Our crowns have been fucked with and our sparkles have been dimmed…our dreams and lives shattered…our bodies wrecked and savagely beaten…and still, we will not back down. We stand up for you when you are right. We stand up to you when you are wrong. We care. We draw a line. This line is our boundary. We honor our boundaries and you will honor them too. We insist. We…who is we? We…you and I…him and her…them and us…we. I speak of each of us…of all of us. We are all the same. We are never individually whole until we are each whole. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

Thank you Cherie and everyone who loves us like a verb. We love you right back! I’m off to enjoy a cozy evening with my girl and our dogs. We miss them when we get so busy. Tonight we have family night and we count our blessings…and you are among them! Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

Thank you for this inspiring post this morning Diane! Sharing it with everyone else too! I hope you don’t mind!