Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Happy Mother’s Day eve…

Happy Saturday everyone! I am glad to be returning to this space a bit. My life has been a bit unmanageable and I have lost my way. Today I begin again. This morning I wake anew to begin a new day, in the light I want to stand in and share with all of you. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and so I wish all of you moms a happy Mother’s Day. For all of us with moms in heaven, I send you all of my love. Whether you couldn’t live with her or whether you can’t live without her, Mother’s Day is a rough day for some of us without moms. Moms are human beings, being human, just like the rest of us, with much higher expectations on them, just for being moms. As far as I am aware, moms don’t get a manual when we come into this world, so to each of you who gave it a go, all of my love. Holding dominion over these precious beings in Sanctuary poses some questions and lots of research and I cannot imagine trying to be a mom. Emotions and childhood trauma creep in and being in charge of their wellbeing becomes a lot some days. Worrying that I will do it wrong or miss someone…it’s a lot to remember and to process and to keep up with. So, thank you to all of the moms who take their parenting jobs more seriously than their salaried jobs…to all of the dads and moms who love and support them through the trials and errors and pains of parenting. I thank you for taking your role seriously and for parenting the children you brought here. I have mad respect for each of you for taking a step and filling a role that I never could. Happy Mother’s Day to my mom in heaven and to each of you who are moms down here. I have no idea how you do it and I thank you for doing it just the same. I hope your children do something amazing for you tomorrow!

As for Tamara and I…we have decided to lay low here with all of the motherless beings that live here with us in Sanctuary. No one here has their mom, not even us. We came in with her and then we have to learn to figure it out without her, just like they do. Ahimsa has been here a year…Hondo has been here for two years and is 26 years old. We are all someone and tomorrow will be what it will be for each of us. I don’t know if Ahimsa or Hondo miss their mom…I can’t tell if Brixen misses his mom or if Samuel pines after his mom…I know some days I sure do miss my mom. Some days, not so much…Mother’s Day though…almost every year she was here on earth, I was with her and every year since she has been gone, I have struggled without her. Our moms…we only ever get one…and on this day, I am thinking about my mom. I am thinking of all of my mom friends and I am loving the shit out of you ladies! Truly, I have your faces in my mind and I love and appreciate the work that you are doing and the love that you are teaching our children. Thank you for taking the time, and for assuming the risk and the liability and for having the heart to do what so many of could not do. Happy Mother’s Day eve ladies! I love you!

Tamara sees her doctor on Monday. I am so proud of her for getting through this so gracefully. Truly, take the word cancer, all by itself…just that all by itself…and add it to your face and then imagine five trips back under the knife to clear margins during MOHS procedure and then add 65 external sutures to close her up after reconstructive surgery…no lifting, bending and no increased blood pressure or emotional upset…no laughing or crying or emotion, for risk of permanent damage to her face …no exceptions. Oh, and if she does lift or bend, she could cause permanent nerve damage to the muscles in her face, which could be irreversible. Ya, I am fucking proud of this girl! I am honored to be her life partner and her best friend and her lover. I will ask again, for each of you to send her all of your love and healing energy…your hugs and your prayers…your smiles and your love…this has taken my girl further down than I have ever seen her and I ask you to lift her up with me. Depression is a relentless and needy and obsessive bitch and I ask you to invite her to leave with me, as she has served her purpose here. We are ready for some reprieve from her grasp and we are ready to laugh together again and to work together and to be together again. We want our lives back and so on this day, I invite our sadness and depression to leave us, that we may more effectively do our work in the world. And so it is.

Thank you for loving us through this. We have so many amazing things happening and we have had to place it all on hold while we navigate this. We have a lot to catch up on and I suck at social media, so we want you to know that we miss you. We know we are a bit absent right now and we want you to know that we are healing and will be back very soon! Thank you for holding space and for loving us like a verb during this time.

Have a blessed and beautiful day everyone. Thank you for loving us through this and for surrounding my beautiful girl in love and healing light. I love you!

And I write….

Good morning. Happy Thursday. I have been very busy with Tamara being down and so I have missed you guys. I also just haven’t had it…words elude me and the ones that don’t aren’t worth putting out there, until I sort some stuff out.

I exist in a certain underlying sadness lately. The tears keep rising above the surface. I just fucking hurt. And deeply. I hurt so deeply as of late. I am blessed that I am physically able again, to throw myself into physical labor, for it calms my mind. My mind is my worst enemy and always a detriment to my sanity. My pain has accumulated in my mind and taken over parts of me…parts of me that I will get back eventually.

Depression feels to me like an abyss…dark and cold and black…endless and daunting and absolutely nothing at all. I have spent countless years in this place, not even knowing where the fuck I was. I have always written to help get this pain out. I’ve been unable to write as of late and it is showing in my depression. Writing and physical labor are my reprieve from debilitating depression. Depression also usually shows that my self-confidence and my heart have been hit and they both have been hit hard lately. My heart has not, not been hit, since my mom got sick. And I am the worst at not taking things personally. I am also a pussy…”Oh, I’m so sorry that you read my blog wrong…let me defend myself and explain…”better yet, let me not write at all, just in case you are still reading and offended at what you thought I meant. I have mother fucking lost myself in this abyss. I have resorted to defending myself and my actions and my words, to people who have walked away from me. I lost my way. I lost myself. I lost my fucking voice. I am sad that I did that and I’m glad that I see what I’ve done, so that I don’t do it again henceforth.

So…here is a reminder for us all, especially me…this is Corals blog and I come here to write and to heal. I come here to get it all out and to sort my life out. I come to this healing space, the healing room, to help to heal us all. I do not come here to harm others. I do not come here to gossip or talk shit. I come here to fucking heal. If you think I’m talking about you…maybe I am. Why would that be? Because you are someone whom I love and I’m sorting shit out. I use discretion and I have stood corrected a time or two. I’m good with that. I am not good with being called out using my words, after they have been twisted and mangled and pointed, and having them shoved down my fucking throat. I am also not good with being silent for so long because of it. I have learned in my silence that I will not remain silent…not about things that matter to me.

I have also learned that I will go to the ends of the earth for those that I do love. I have gone to the ends of the earth for people I don’t even know. I know who the fuck I am. I know why I’m here. I am here to love us home. My decisions may not please you and my words may offend you. My existence may annoy you and my opinions may not be your own. Isn’t that okay though? I mean, isn’t it okay to not be for everyone? I have always extended an open invitation to hear how you feel about me and I don’t hear my phone ringing. Not until someone reads something I wrote and starts a fucking panic about what they think I meant. And all of this before talking to me at all. I feel that to be a little unfair and I shut down over it. I put this out there…the most personal things in my life, to help us all to heal and somehow, it turns into a fucking shit show. I pull my blog from Facebook. I stop writing all together. I feel like giving up and pray that I don’t fucking wake up in the morning. I started to give up. I started to think that maybe you all really didn’t need me or my experiences or my words or my fucking love. Guess what though? I need me and my words and my experiences. I need to heal and I come here to do it. Everything that doesn’t serve my highest good…your highest good…I send back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I’m not here to harm anyone. I’m not here to be harmed anymore either. Many of you have left my life, for reasons unbeknownst to me. I do regret that you didn’t give me an opportunity to grow and yourself the opportunity to heal, by having a conversation with me. I also regret anyone I ever deprived of such a conversation. I regret denying closure to anyone, who may not have known why I left. Hell, maybe I don’t know why I left. At any rate, if I hurt you that way, or in any way, I really am sorry. A few names and faces come to mind and I’m sure there are others that I don’t recall or that I was not impacted by, as I impacted. I am sorry for the spaces that I left empty and for doors that I slammed shut…for bridges that I burned and fired that I started. Today though…I really am letting that all go. Today, I really am done editing myself and watching what I say and how I say it. My door is always open if you’ve something to say to me. As I have clearly seen…so is everyone else’s door, and I find that pretty unsettling. If you can’t or won’t say it to me, how about you not say it at all? I will offer you the same courtesy.

My life is simple. It has not always been simple. My life is simple now though. I have big work to do and I’ve no time to be defending myself or wandering off into this fucked up abyss, simply because you don’t love me. I wanted you to love me and I wanted you to be who I built you up to be. That is my fault. I put you on a pedestal and I had expectations and when they weren’t met and when you jumped off of the pedestal and slapped me across my face…it took me down. It took me so, so far down into the abyss. I ask why you didn’t love me as I loved you? I know now that you can only love me as you love me. In your way, as I love you in my way. That’s okay, isn’t it, to have our own ways to love?

There is one person in my life who has stood by me through the worst of my days…the deepest of my pain and the loss of my mother and my family. There is one person who never left me or gave up on me, who calls me her wife. There are others also. Today though, in this moment, I speak of my beautiful girl Tamara. Tamara never gave up on me and she never kicked me out or fucked around…she never betrayed my trust or my confidence. This girl held me together when I couldn’t hold myself together, loved me when I couldn’t love me …and always, always gave me a home to come home to. There is nothing that I can say to appreciate the love that Tamara has given me. There are no ends that I would not go, to love, honor and protect her in the same way that she has done for me. Tamara is my girl and my whole world and she may not be for you. And hey, that’s okay, because she’s for me. So, I’ve got her. I love her and I will not ever not love her. Tamara is down and with cancer and 65 stitches and reconstructive surgery to her face…she must be down. Tamara cannot lift or bend over or get her blood pressure up…and if that didn’t send her into the abyss, not being able to do Tamara certainly has done it. Tamara, my rock…the Sanctuary and the community’s rock is down and out. Tamara needs us now and I’m going to be here for her. I’m going to do my best and I’m going to give it all I’ve got until she is better. That is what you do when you love a girl…you fucking love her, like a verb, no matter what, forever and for always. Tamara, I love you and I’ve got you. Thank you for loving me and for getting me. For those that don’t get us, that’s okay finally. We’ve got each other and we are so fucking blessed.

To each and every single one of you who has reached out and showed up and loved us and prayed for us…thank you. Two girls got hit hard and we are laying low to lick our wounds, heal our hurts and our hearts and to lift each other up. We are on our way back and we thank you for your love, understanding and patience as we heal and recover during this difficult time.

All of the animals of Santuario de Karuna send you their love. I’m not as good at keeping up on social media as Tamara is with everyone. We lost Bashful unexpectedly last week and we just couldn’t even speak of it. I went out to tuck the chickens in and she was passed away. This blew me wide open, as I knew Tamara was going to break when I had to tell her. Tamara is a little broken right now and so I ask again for love and prayers. At the very least right now, if you can’t help us, please don’t harm us either.

I hope you have a beautiful day and I thank you for being here with me this morning. I have missed you. My heart has been broken and my time had been occupied. My focus has turned to my girl and to our world and our healing. I thank you for understanding. I love you.

A couple of really important Coral lessons this morning…

Before I begin my blog this morning, I want to address yesterday’s blog for a moment; I wrote about my experience of going off of my prescribed medication, without the care of consult of my PCP or my therapist. I had therapy yesterday and my therapist was not impressed. I will leave it at that. My friend Sigrid asked me to make this clear and so I make clear that, not only is it not recommended to go off of any prescribed medication, ever, without consulting your prescribing physician, it could be deadly. It could have been deadly for me. I cannot say what caused me to sink as low as I did, and to let those closest to me know, that I was afraid that I might not pull through this time. I will say that it likely could have been My abruptly going off of my medication, combined with my chemical imbalances and mental disorders. At any rate, and without exception, please do not ever do as I do. Do not go off of your medication without consulting the person who put you on it. I made and error in judgement, that could have cost me my life. I am sorry and I did not do so consciously or on. purpose. Thank you Sigrid for bringing this to my attention so that I could be very clear about this. Do not ever go off of your prescribed medication without medical consult! Deal? Truly, please hear me and be more responsible than I have been in this regard, okay?

I stepped into her world to save her from our world,

For our world cut her you see.

I crawled into her den to love her because I took her from her den mate.

I licked and nursed her wounds. I held her in her pain. I woke with her in confusion.

We tamed one another. We, entangled in the bear den, just to survive the night. We became one, baby bear and I.

She, feral and untamed. Dreadlocks and fresh wounds. Distant and painful eyes, seeking my help.

And I, with not one knowing of what to do…We, just baby bear and I, and Sam…I called Sam…we had to figure it out.

In the car, she cried. I prayed and asked Sam to crawl back there with her while I drove us home. At home, we got her out together, into the night sky. We stood in the driveway and we cried. We had to pee and we did not. We went into the studio to wait for help.

Feral and frightened and drowsy and confused…cut 12 inches wide open and closed with staples, the bear and I stood weary. We stood that way for a long time. Baby bear cried. Mom cried too. Mala wailed in anguish. I asked Alexa to go get Enya. We spent a LOT of time with Enya. Enya could not drown the cries of the baby bears. Enya could not soothe the broken hearts of babies separated from each other for the very first time. Yes, hearts broke in the studio that night and baby bear and I stood in the not knowing of what we had just entered into.

The hours turned into daylight and the daylight turned to dark. Fourteen times, we saw that cycle, baby bear and I, from a box in the driveway that housed us and kept us warm and safe together. The studio disappeared and the forest was seen through the windows mostly. We saw the forest, through the trees, on daily visits to see Mala Bear and on potty breaks. We saw our friends sometimes. Mostly though, we saw each other. Momma Tamara was a constant companion in the baby bear den and we really missed her every time she had to go.

I sit here now, in the baby bear den, without my baby bear…my new and dearest friend. I sit, not in my studio, for we left it as it was. We, baby bear and I, ran back to our own lives. We hurried to them because we missed them. We could breathe our own air again, and we could shit comfortably in our own toilets again. We could lie in our own beds tonight and we would be next to our true loves once more! Hallelujah!

It was wonderful to be home! Fourteen days and fourteen nights without a girl, well, I was happy to be home! Our bed…you have no idea!!!! Hallelujah! Tamara and I did not share more than an hours or so drive from Santa Fe together, except in passing, for the last fourteen days.

Mala cried and laid in wait for us to come out into the driveway. When Mala saw Nahko she cried and she shook and she broke. Every time we walked away, she broke again. To bear witness to this…to feel this…well, it changed me. It softened me. It broke me too. I shook too. I cried too. I only knew to do for Nahko, what I wish someone would have done for me when I hurt, when I was scared, when I was sad without my brother. I wanted comfort. I needed love. I needed touch. I did not get those things and so I don’t know if I did it right, I did my best, so I did it perfect, says Sam. Thank you Sam. I did those things I never got for Nahko. I loved her my very, very best. I slept in her bear den with her until she fell asleep. Sometimes I stayed after, just to watch her sleep. I fell in love with Nahko Bear and Nahko Bear with me. It felt nice to love so much.

Nahko Bear and I loaded into the Jeep yesterday to go and see the vet. The vet says Nahko looks great! Her healing is amazing! Her staples were removed and she was released back into her life. I returned to mine.

On my way out to a client, I stopped by to lie a moment with Nahko Bear, in she and Malas baby bear den, on my way out. I wanted to check her tummy and give her some love. I missed her already and I could feel she missed me too. We were like old friends, rolling around and laughing together. Mala Bear came to join and I was so happy! Together again, at last. And out of nowhere, Nahko went for Mala and Mala went back for Nahko and I laid in between and kicked them apart. I was stunned at first. I was still on the ground next to Nahko and she went to lick me. It was then that I realized that Nahko was protecting her new cub, as we had switched worlds now. Nahko protected me from her sissy. You cannot know what that is until you know what that is. What that is…that is heartbreak. Tamara has come running out and we separated them. We all came down a bit. I had to go to work. I returned. I fed them their dinners apart. Nahko followed me everywhere. Mala was so sad. I was so sad. I knew what I must do.

As excited and honored as I am to have been accepted as a pack member, I am not. We are not members of their pack. We, if not checked, can fuck up the hierarchy of their pack. We must only ever be, the leader of our entire pack. We must not remain in the role of a pack member. I knew that in an instant and I cannot not know it now. For me to be so moved, to have been chosen, would destroy a sisters bond. I have become invisible for the sisters to repair themselves and to learn their new places. That shall be between Nahko and Mala. Tamara and I always lead the pack and must never be in the pack for too long. To be invited in and to have to leave…well it mixes honor and heartbreak. The deepest love and loss of that love, on a level that knows no words, that you will ever know, in the shortest amount of time. A beauty to behold and a heartbreaking you’ve not known, until you’ve known it. Even then, every break is a bit different.

So, in the baby bear den, not yet returned studio, I fight back the tears this morning. Fuck it, I let the tears fall all over my screen this morning! For I miss my baby bear. The den is empty and I must be invisible for a while. My heart breaks down here this morning, as I pull back from one of the greatest loves that I have ever known, to allow the love that belongs, to be…between sissy and sissy, baby bear and baby bear. I am not a baby bear, although it sure was nice to be an honorary baby bear for fourteen days and fourteen nights, in the baby bear den I made for Nahko Bear, under my drafting table in the studio.

Sometimes, when we love someone the very most, we must do the very hardest work of all. We must love them enough to take our hands off of them. We must let go and let them do their work. After finally being invited all the way in, we must quietly and gracefully bow out. As I do this this morning, my heart breaks and I ask you for your love and prayers for Tamara and I, as we do this dance again. This dance if getting so close and pulling back. Most of all though, please send all of your love and prayers to Nahko Bear and Mala Bear that as they return to their world and we return to ours, that they find their way peacefully back to each other. We love you baby bears! Welcome home Nahko Bear!

Sherry Lesson about dreaming the dream. Coral And Tamara lesson about living the dream.

Good morning everyone! My post is inspired by a conversation… probably a number of conversations, with Tamara, about building the dream. I know a lot of people talk about building the dream. We have a friend who lives to save animals…a beautiful and devoted and true and wonderful soul…and she has a quote that we use often (I may be paraphrasing a bit)…”You don’t have to win the lottery to save animals. You just have to save animals.” Thank you for this, our beautiful friend. I pull this out of my toolbox all the time! This speaks to us on a soul level, as it encompasses the work we do here at Santuario de Karuna. We save animals. We are too busy living the dream to play the lotto. The odds of winning the lottery…in other words…the odds of you ever living your dream, if you are waiting to win the lottery, are extremely low. You know that though, right? You know that you give yourself next to zero chance of living your dream if you rely upon living the lottery to do so. My mom and Dad religiously bought lottery tickets, as long as they have been able to in New Mexico. I am not kidding, twice a week, as long as they could, for as long as I’ve known, with their “lucky” numbers, they played the lottery. No matter the payout, they had it pen to paper, spent their lottery winnings. Taking care of family, traveling…a place to live here and a place to vacation there…clothes and jewelry and cars….and that is how they dreamed their dream. At the casino, in Las Vegas…the same thing…the odds were low and they just knew if they kept playing, they would be the next winner, and then they could live their dreams. After they retired, they could then live their dreams. My mom was admitted by ambulance to the ER the night before she was to retire, from a job she hated for over 20 years, with stroke symptoms, unable to get off of the floor. My mom did not have a stroke. My mom had stage four breast cancer, with metastasis to her liver, her lungs and her brain. My mom died two months later. My mom never won the lottery. My mom never won a jackpot big enough to fund her lottery tickets or her gambling, let alone her dream. My mom never spent one single solitary moment in retirement. I venture to guess that my mother never spent one single solitary moment. My mom died at 66 years old dreaming about a dream that she was doing nothing to build. My moms dreams were so far out there that she only ever dreamed what it might be like, to actually live her dream. How many of us are doing that right now? Truth. How many of you are living like this right now? Working in a job or a career that you fucking despise, waiting to retire and live your life…trying to win the lottery to solve your life’s problems…and missing your life all together…what kind of dream is that? Any one of these things may be a sign that YOU ARE DREAMING a lot MORE than you are LIVING the dream. My mom didn’t have any idea that she was doing this. This is a Sherry Lesson by the way…Sherry sent this to you, through me, this morning. Sherry missed this lesson and she wanted to gift you with it, especially those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about. If you knew Sherry at all, you knew these things about her. My mom openly said that she went to the casino to escape her life. I never knew what that meant or what she was escaping exactly. Hell, I went with her to escape my own sometimes. I went with my parents to Vegas yearly and I loved our trips. I even played for hours and hours, trying to win and solve my financial woes (by dumping my limited funds into a slot machine…go figure) and I really thought they If I put enough money in, eventually, I would hit the big one. I did not and my mom did not and my dad did not hit the big one. These things were not healthy. Sherry walked around like she had it handled and like this behavior was not at all what it was…gambling is gambling my friends. Sherry gambled a lot, not just at the casino in Las Vegas. Sherry gambled with her whole fucking life…waiting to live the dream, dreaming about it, instead of getting out there and living her dream. This is not to say that Sherry did not live her life. This is simply to illustrate that dreaming is not living the dream. Sherry spent her lifetime waiting to live until she retired and dreaming of living the dream when she finally did. May God rest her sweet soul, and may she finally Rest In Peace…now that she can be free to live her dream, wherever she may be!

We all have choices. I am learning a lot about myself through these Sherry Lessons. I hope that you are learning a lot too. Sherry sends them to make us better, and because she loves to hi jack my blog also! Thank you for the visit and the beautiful Lesson this morning mom. I love you.

So…as I was, before I was so gracefully interrupted…go out and LIVE your dream

Did you know that President Barack Obama was awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between people.”? Wayne Dyer said that having the dream was enough to win the Nobel Peace Prize, because it all starts with the dream. You don’t have anything if you don’t first have the dream. It all begins with a dream. Santuario de Karuna began with a childhood dream…Tamara’s childhood dream. Dreams are US in action. We must act, for our dreams to come true. We must be hungry for our dreams. And…we will get dirty and messy and busy. We will be in constant action. Living the dream is like loving…it’s a verb my friends.

Waiting to live your dream for the lottery or retirement or until you have the money…will never, ever manifest the actual dream. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr….President Barack Obama…Tamara….they had a dream! What is your dream my friend? What is your dream?

Have a beautiful day everyone! Go love and live your dream like a verb!!! I love you!

Five years ago, I stopped eating my friends.

Today is monumental for me, as today is my five year vegan anniversary! Of all of the things I have done in my life…being vegan has definitely gifted me ten-fold and changed me forever. Being vegan is one thing that I do that I know makes a difference and I am so thankful. Today and every day, I am so, so thankful to be vegan!

My name is Coral and I am the Co-Founder of Santuario de Karuna, a vegan farm animal sanctuary in Tijeras, New Mexico. For the last five years, my life has been dedicated to the animals we hold dominion over, on this beautiful land. My life…my purpose…my loyalty…all right here, in this place that I call home. Santuario de Karuna has 44 residents, including Tamara and Myself and countless residents without official living quarters here. Our home is their home and we love and live and heal here in harmony and in Sanctuary. My life’s work combined and scattered as it has been, has led me here…to my home on the mountain. Tamara and I are sober, vegan women who have a dream. Every day, without fail, we get up and live the dream. All days are not easy. Every single day is worth it though! Tamara and I realize that each of our roommates have dreams too. Our beautiful chickens dream of lying in the sun and catching an egg that a raven drops in flight. Hondo dreams of the day that the gate will open and he can free-range upon his mountain yard once again. Sidney dreams of food. Jenny Sue dreams of Brixen. Every single one of us here is living the dream!

Having spent over forty years not being vegan, I will suffice to say that I have learned a lot. I could not live long enough to make amends to the animals that I have disregarded in my life. I could not eat enough tofu in my lifetime to be sorry enough for all of the carcasses I have feasted upon. I humble myself before these amazing beings every day and learn more about how naive and ignorant I was.

Being vegan has softened my heart a great deal. I am a work in progress for sure. I am on the same journey as you are…every day striving to be better than I was yesterday. I fuck up…every day. I learn…every day. Being vegan gives me one thing to know that my heart has allowed me to do right, without any exceptions or excuses. Not being vegan is no longer a choice for me.

For 1825 days, animals have not been on my plate. That may not seem substantial to some people. To me though…to them though…every single time you choose compassion, it is substantial. Every time you make a compassionate choice about what you put in your mouth, to feed your appetite, you make a substantial choice. Did it ever occur to you, as you are driving alone in your car, past pasture after pasture, after pasture, that these beings live and shit and eat and hurt bleed and cry and breathe, just like you and I do? Do you know that their lives do matter? Like I said, I’m learning a lot. At first, being vegan was very overwhelming to me. It really was. I was pretty fucking sure that I would “do it wrong”. Hell, I still do it wrong sometimes. I can’t see a damn thing without my readers on and I bring home something every now and again without seeing all of the ingredients. Fuck, an egg here…milk there…for no reason at all, and we don’t eat it. I just feel a little sad that I wasn’t more careful. I just contributed to their suffering by buying my dead friends. I say a prayer and promise to be more mindful. I am so sorry when I mess up and don’t slow down and honk of them more than I think of me when I shop.

I won’t lie, I wasn’t vegan before I was vegan because I encountered some pretty intolerant and exclusive vegans. They were twats actually. Pretentious and snarky and “better than”….and I ate meat to spite them, if nothing else. Fuck them and their pretentious bullshit! I will just eat another dead carcass and fuck them! Ya, I was pretty un-evolved. I was fucking asleep and full of blame. I will tell you that there’s not a pretentious, snarky, holier than thou, twat in this world that could keep me from being vegan now. My blame about not being vegan sooner is simply because I was not ready. That’s it. Plain and simple. I had not arrived at a point yet where I understood and empathized with the suffering of the sentient beings in my cart and in my living room. I still know some of those vegans. I’m sure you know them too. And we can suffice to say, just “wow”, can’t we? I mean, their circus, their clowns, right? Who gives a fuck what the clowns in someone else’s circus have to say about you my friend? Fuck those clowns man! This is your circus and you are the clown in charge! Own your circus man! Own your circus and set everyone else’s circus down! I am learning this and it helps, and so I pass it on to you.

Being vegan is my choice. Only mine. Nothing you do or say or don’t do or don’t say, changes that. Truly. I’ve not judgement of your journey. You do you and I’ll do me. My journey though…I share it to give you an opportunity to learn what it took me so long to come to know. They are not ours. I will leave you with that. They are not ours.

Have a beautiful day and if you have any questions about what it is to be vegan, please hit me up! I didn’t know until I knew and I was so blessed to have Tamara to ask all of my questions to. There are no stupid questions, only the ones you do or ask. Live compassionately my friends. And remember, if you are the dad, the mom, the breadwinner, the cook, the one paying the bills and buying groceries, you do make the decisions as to what is consumed in your household. Don’t tell me that your kids don’t want to be vegan. Don’t tell me that your husband won’t eat tofu. Don’t tell me that you can’t quit cheese. Bullshit. All of it. It’s bullshit and you know it. “But Coral…I grew up on a ranch.” Okay…you grew up on a ranch, and? You cannot be vegan because you grew up slaughtering animals? And I cannot, not, be a sexual predator then? Right? I mean, if you can’t be vegan because of how you grew up then I am so super fucked, aren’t I? Nope, I’m not fucked because that is a bullshit excuse, just like the rest of them. “My husband won’t eat tofu Coral.” Do you expect me to believe, for one single solitary second, that your husband tells you what to do about anything? Ever? “My wife has to have her iron Coral.” Well, then you better start seeing what is high in iron that doesn’t shit and have a fucking face my friend. “My kids would never be vegan Coral.” May I ask you who is running your household? You or your kids? I do not recall ever, telling my mother what I would and would not eat. Handle your business sweetie. Handle your business. And for those of you who have doctors who have told you to eat eggs and cheese and whatever other bodily secretions and puss and infection and ovulation, For whatever ails you…I will just ask you this…where in the fuck is your second opinion? Truly, don’t act like you aren’t smart enough to question bullshit like that. Don’t make excuses to not be compassionate…Rather, return to the place in yourself that knows right from wrong and step back into alignment with yourself. And my favorite…”Coral, being vegan costs too much.” Being vegan costs too much for whom? For you? Oh…I’m sorry, when you spoke of costs, I assumed you were talking about the 40 pounds of chicken in your shopping cart. I thought you had a bout of consciousness about what your appetite costed them. “Being vegan costs more” is bullshit. Being compassionate will never cost anyone more than living half asleep and unconscious costs us all.

So, to those of you who cannot bake without eggs, don’t think you’ll get enough protein…need cheese…can’t sway your family…I am going to ask you an honest question. What is this really about? For you, what are all of these excuses not to be compassionate really about? If we each start here, we can begin to make conscious choices for ourselves, our families and the people we love the most, the animals, the planet and for our children. Going vegan five years ago is the single most important thing I have ever done to soften my heart. Being vegan is my biggest contribution to the planet I live on. Being vegan changed me for the better and I am so thankful. Today, for five years of compassionate living, with all of my heart, I say thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

My name is Coral and I am five years vegan tomorrow!

I am sitting here in the studio with Nahko on Shawn’s Birthday, and I was remembering that the last time I ate my friends. Tomorrow is my five year veganversary! It was March 9th 2014 and My mom made my brothers favorite meal…my mom made her famous enchiladas. My last non-vegan meal was my moms ground beef enchiladas, smothered in cheese. My brothers birthday meal was my very last non-vegan meal. Five years ago something shifted for me and I want to write about that this afternoon. I didn’t stop eating animals because I didn’t fancy the taste of those enchiladas. If you ever had my moms enchiladas, you know what I am saying. They were the best enchiladas I have EVER eaten! And her birthday cakes…I didn’t stop eating those because I didn’t like how they tasted. I have to tell you that I stopped eating animals because I finally realized that I was eating animals.

My name is Coral and I am vegan. This is my story and I hope it teaches you a thing or two, as my life has taught me, a thing or two. I was so fucking disassociated that I truthfully had not made the connection, that I was eating a once living, breathing sentient being. Ground beef enchiladas did not equal our beautiful cows, Karuna or Ahimsa to me. We didn’t have Karuna or Ahimsa back then. Chicken fajitas weren’t Piñon. Lisa and Janet and Negro weren’t chicken tacos. Bacon wasn’t Sidney. The pork chops that I ate were not named Jenny Sue or Brixen. Namaste wasn’t a slab of ham on my plate and I wasn’t eating the ovulation of Lisa and calling it my breakfast. I wasn’t waiting to slaughter Samuel and Duncan for Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn’t stroking my lucky rabbits foot and making a wish. I wasn’t eating goat cheese on my crackers. I hadn’t made the correlation that all lives matter. I didn’t get that the lives of the sentient beings on my plate mattered at all. I thought they came here for me. I was so fucking ignorant that I believed that these beings came here for my gratification…to satisfy my tastes and my hunger. Five years ago I did not know that my food was actually the Caracas of my dead friends. I was eating dead flesh. I was drinking the bodily secretions meant for baby cows. I was eating the period of a fucking chicken for breakfast every day, with a side of crispy Tombstone. I was fucking asleep! And the worst part was that I had absolutely no idea that I was asleep. Only a couple of months sober from alcohol, I was definitely a hot fucking mess back then. I was so asleep and tuned out that I was about to be on an adventure like no other. I was beginning the journey of waking up…becoming conscious and aware and concerned. I had no fucking idea then…I was about to be transformed! I had no idea that I was so asleep. I could not have known how disconnected I truly was.

Five years later and I will tell you this, I will never not be vegan. I will never eat my friends again. I will never not know what I have come to know. I have come to know that their lives matter. Every single one of their lives matter. There are more carcinogens in the food that many of you eat than there are in the cigarettes that some of you smoke. Did you know that? Cigarettes have warning labels. The 40 pounds of raw chicken that you just bought is going to kill you quicker than the cigarettes are going to kill the Marlboro man next door, peering at you over his oxygen tank. Don’t believe me? Do your research. And now that we are outsourcing our food supply, so you really think what you are eating is safe? The disconnect is real. That 40 pound tray of chicken that you just bought…those chickens were someone. They were someone. All hacked up on a slab of styrofoam and shrink wrapped, slapped with a price per pound sticker and thrown in your cart. We are so disconnected.

We are raising children. We are teaching classes. We are in leadership roles and in animal rescue. We stand in pulpits and we preach peace. How can we rescue dogs and cats and eat cows, pigs and chickens? Your fucking bologna did have a first name. How do we preach peace when we eat the slaughtered remains of sentient beings? We are disconnected my friends. We are so disconnected.

Five years ago, I began to connect the dots. I began to question things that seemed wrong to me. I began to give a shit about someone other than myself. I set down my carne adovada burrito and I ate my last poached egg. I stopped buying leather and I made different choices. I started to give a shit and I mean really give a shit about other beings on this planet. Five years ago I stopped eating animals because I came to know that they are not mine to eat or to wear or to exploit.

As my brothers birthday lunch came to a close five years ago, I could never have foreseen how drastically our lives would shift. I could not have known that I would never eat another animal again. I could not have known that my mom would get cancer in a few months and die. I could not have known that our dining room would occupy another family that they wouldn’t welcome us. We don’t sit at that table as a family anymore. We are not a family anymore. I could not have known that I would be giving up some things and others would be taken from me. I gave up eating my friends. I lost my mom to cancer and my dad to someone and someplace far, far away from me. As I cleared those dirty dishes and washed the carcass of my friends into the trash, one last time…I could not possibly have known how my life was about to change. As I kissed my mom goodbye and hugged my dad under the garage door…as I hugged Shawn and JiSan “goodbye” and I drove away on that day…I could not have known all that would come to be of my life. We never truly do know what life has in store for us. We do run out of time. We do. People feel better somehow if we don’t run out of time…and so they say that we don’t. I am here to tell you that we actually do run out of time. So, make it count. Your time…your decisions…make them count. Be mindful of what you put into your body. If it shits, don’t eat it. Truly. For me, that was an easy gauge. I hope the simplicity of this helps you also, because it is that simple. If it has a face and it shits, it’s not yours to eat.

I am blessed to have learned that animals have just as much right to be here as I do. I am grateful to live in Sanctuary with so many beautiful and sentient beings. You may be astounded to know that I can eat whatever you eat and I can eat it vegan. If it’s not vegan, I won’t eat it at all.

My depression fucks with me a lot lately. I am struggling to stay afloat. Being vegan beings me some peace, as I know I have changed the world for some of them. I will spend the rest of my life fighting for the rest of them. For you see, we are all someone, not something. We each have every right to be here. If my depression takes me, at least it wasn’t someone else deciding that I was food, not friend. Truly, when did we decide that we got to decide for everyone, how things are? We have dominion over…we do not have control or reign or power over those without voices. Who told us that we had the right to crucify species after species after species for our own consumption and convenience? We did. We decided that we have no rules and they have no economic value…so fuck it…we decide. Look at us, deciding and shit. Egotistical, ignorant, insensitive and greedy as fuck…is the mentality that my appetite is more important than your life, isn’t it? I mean truly…that is some entitled and ignorant and ass backwards thinking and we are wrong. Plain and simple. We are wrong to slaughter millions of sentient beings for our own gratification…for sport…for our hunger and our taste in clothing and furniture. We cannot make this right…we just can’t. Excuses abound and generations pile, one on top of the other…doing it the way we have always fucking done it. Let me ask you something…How is the way we’ve always done it actually working for us? How is this entitlement and this superiority working out for us and our human counterparts? All you have to do is look around you to see that this isn’t working at all.

You will never catch me competing with you. Every single day though, you will see me fight like hell to be better than I was yesterday. From whom much is given, much is expected. I owe a great debt to the powers that be for my existence here, for my place and my peace and my work here. The debt can only ever be payed forward and it cannot ever be paid with the life of someone else. We each get what we get when we get it. Five years ago, I got it and I am forever changed. Go vegan. Truly…for yourself, for your health, for the planet…for each other…for your kids. I was pretty ignorant and naive…fuck, I still am…I would like to think that I have made a difference though, for someone, by being here.

Living a compassionate lifestyle includes more than eating a vegan diet, just as being sober means more than abstaining from drinking alcohol. When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. Friends, not food. Five years not eating my friends has softened my heart and I am so thankful. Five years of learning about the sentient beings in my life and cohabiting them…I cannot imagine how I was ever so thoughtless and reckless and careless. Being more connected now, I shudder at my own disconnect, for I knew not then what I have come to know now.

My life is blessed. I am blessed. I hurt, a lot. Depression keeps me struggling, until it doesn’t. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. Sometimes, I wish I were riding my bike around the block with my little brother, for hours and days on end…going everywhere and nowhere at all. Some days I really do miss my little family so, so much that it throws me into the abyss that swallows me for days. Depression seems to be the one thing I can’t just fucking quit…and every single day, until the day I don’t, I will battle it out. Being vegan has given me a lot of someone’s to fight for and so as best as I can, I stay. As much as I am able, when the calls come and I am needed, I answer. Getting out of me is the only thing that seems to save me at all, in times where I can’t get myself out of the abyss.

Five years ago, I started speaking for them and fighting for them and loving them like a verb. With the love and compassion and guidance of the most amazing vegan I know, I have learned so much. Thank you Tamara for loving me into compassionate space and for helping me to make more compassionate choices. Five years ago my life changed forever. My name is Coral and I am five years vegan tomorrow! For your soul, I encourage you to think about being vegan too. You will not know why you waited so long to assume a lifestyle that does not harm others. Your body will look and feel better. Your heart will open up. You will be better able to look in the mirror…I mean to really look in the mirror. Best of all, no one gets hurt for your appetite. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got today on being vegan. Inspired by my five year veganversary tomorrow…A post for us all to wake up and soften our hearts. Don’t trust me. Go out and try it for yourself! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

Nothing anyone ever does will be good enough for those who do nothing at all.

Monday ended and Tuesday began with Nahko Bear and Silly Sigrid…Tamara and stillness in the chaos. Our ears have been flooded with Enyas soft and soothing sound, as we soothe Nahko and tell her that Mala Bear has got her and we have her. Even Enya cannot mask the cries of her sissy up the driveway. An afternoon visit is surely in order. Nahko Bear sure does miss her sissy Mala Bear so, so much.

Nahko Bear has a king size bear bed under the drafting table while we take up residence down here for the next eight days. Nahko Bear has her follow up on Wednesday, March 13th and cannot go up stairs, (to our house/her house) until then. We have had five slumber parties so far. Last night with Silly Sigrid was like a late night tea party. Our studio is small for a Bear and two sillies and so I crawled into the baby bear den with Nahko Bear. What a beautiful night of intermittent slumber, in the arms and covered in the fur of our baby bear. This is a great way for me to literally work on her 24/7 and give her exactly what she and her healing body need. Right now she snores in peaceful slumber and my hear is full. Life with a baby bear is a blessed experience for sure. All of these moments worth other moments, as her life and her well being do depend upon us. I get that on a level I never got that so deeply. I hug Nahko Bear when she cries because her meds make her drowsy and render her unable to do her job. I get it…that horrible feeling, so I lie with her awhile and hold her and tell her it will be okay. Hearing Malas cries she feels far from home and I feel that way too, so we lie together in the home inside our home. We hold each other in the darkness and watch the world under the light at the bottom of the door. Nahko Bear and Silly Sigrid became fast friends and Nahko cried when silly left.

Everyone should be so blessed to have a silly friend who will come for slumber parties. Few know the love of a partner who truly means it when they say to take what you need. Tamara and I are living the dream. We really, really are living our dream. Bears in the studio…goats in the living room…pigs and dogs and cats…ducks and chickens and Hondo if he would only fit, all welcome as they need to be in our inner sanctum. Many, many of you…welcome in our inner sanctum…and you know what? That’s a lot. There are 44 souls in this space…not even accounting for the ones who roam and crawl and run and fly free here. Did you get that? Forty four souls…all in Sanctuary, all healing, all here for the best of the rest of their lives. Tamara and I are counted in those souls, as our souls presence here make possible the work here. I would kindly remind anyone who has forgotten and enlighten those who do not know, this is our home and when you come here, call here…well, we live here. If you can’t help us, we understand. I will ask and actually insist that if you cannot help us, that you not harm us either. Trying to help Nahko to heal or Duncan or Ahimsa…is very difficult when we are not well ourselves. So I ask that you keep that in mind in dealing with Tamara and I…we are living the dream here. Simply for that reason, we cannot be in your drama…any of it. We have so much responsibility here and we are so blessed. Everyone will be cared for, without exception. When we have fundraisers, it is because that is what we do as a non-profit, we raise funds to support the animals. Donate if it moves you to do so. Don’t donate if it doesn’t move you. I will always share our fundraisers and our events, as that is our life’s work. If it bugs you, don’t look at it. Easy Peasy, right? Nothing anyone ever does will be good enough for those who do nothing at all. Just keep that in mind and at heart when you speak. I’ve pondered it much lately…and this is how I feel. Truly…those of us doing something are often annoying to those who don’t have it in them to do anything of much at all.

I am down here with my thoughts, sketchy internet, no plumbing and a lot of time to heal and meditate. In this process and with Nahko Bear, Tamara and Silly Sigrid by my side, I will write a lot. As I wrote, I remind us all that I come here to heal. I write to get it all out, rather than keeping it all in. Please take what you need and leave the rest. My journey, intertwined into yours, and your into mine…we are one, you and I. We would do well to remember that.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I’m off to slumber with Nahko Bear in our sacred and healing space. Thank you silly for visiting us for pizza, tea and a slumber party! We love you! Nahko Bear misses you and sends her love.

Happy Tuesday everyone! I love you!

And the baby bear sleeps!!!!!

Happy Sunday everyone! Nahko and I are happy to announce that we slept last night! And Nahko is eating as we speak! And we just had our morning pee! These are the things that life is made of…these little celebrations that I often find myself too busy to celebrate. I am so blessed to be here with Nahko in the studio…so, so blessed. I feel that there are many lessons for us and even more blessings for us in this recovery and healing time together. Nahko is a gentle and wonderful teacher and I am blessed to have her.

The flip side of being in here with Nahko Bear is not being there with Tamara. I miss Prajna and Taos and Aliah and Rocky and Karma Kitty and Mala Bear too! Nahko and I see Karuna and Ahimsa a lot more though, which is wonderful! Tamara and I are good at flexing and we are getting better at it every moment!

Yesterday a volunteer canceled at the last hour. I got the text as I was hurrying home from a client and Tamara was in the studio with Nahko Bear, waiting for me and the volunteer to get there. I lost my composure for a moment, I won’t lie. ‘Twas Tamara who brought me down and reminded me of something I think we could all benefit from hearing. And so, I share it with you now.

When people volunteer here at the Sanctuary, it is a privilege to do so. To be here, in this space, with these amazing beings, in Sanctuary, is a privilege. There is nothing that will not get done if no one volunteers, that must be done. Everyone will be taken care of and have food and water and shelter. And Tamara is not wrong. Thank you for reminding me of this baby. Volunteer work is personal growth work and a privilege to have the opportunity to be a part of! Being of service is the blessing. Do what you love and love what you do. We are thankful, grateful and blessed up in here!

Right now it will be getting done with one arm behind our back, so to speak. Yesterday, over 600 pounds of feed was moved, multiple Sanctuary posts went up and in honor of National Pig Day, Sidney had beautiful reflections posted on our Facebook page, 42 beings were fed twice and watered. Pellets were hauled up the driveway and the pellet stove cleaned and lit. Dishes were done and dishes were done again. Laundry in progress and all in her PJs…4.9 miles and a lot of those miles uphill…and all I could do was sit in here listening to Nahko cry and watching my girl give it all she had. Tamara was ready to drop and she did not drop. Nahko needed me and everyone else needed Tamara. Tamara has never once not had everyone here, including me. And then the Jeep left the driveway to go feed our neighbors donkeys. The Jeep rolled back in and a short while later, Tamara walks through the studio door with dinner for me. One more time down the driveway so that I could potty and get ready for bed, give everyone a quick kiss and tuck them in for the night, my girl, exhausted in her PJs, kissed me goodnight. So if you ever think that one person does not matter or make a difference, I am here to tell you that you are mistaken. You do matter. You do make a difference. Don’t deny yourself of your health and happiness by not showing up and participating in your life. Volunteers volunteer for themselves, for their souls evolution and progress.

Nahko Bear needs one of us all of the time for a while, and so it is. We are so blessed to be able to love her how she needs to be loved. Asleep by my side, Nahko is so glad we are able to love her like that too.

Never give away your happy. Truly, just don’t fucking do it. I’m preaching to the fucking choir here and I’m the first to know that. Depression grabs me by ovaries that I don’t even fucking have anymore and twists them and wrenches them and crushes them under her feet. There is no mercy in depression. There is no fucking reprieve from the abyss that consumes me when PTSD and depression battle it out. I’m a fucking puppet and nothing except for helping someone else saves me. I was in such and abyss, in such a deep, deep abyss standing at VCA Thursday night picking up Nahko Bear. Nahko suddenly needed me a lot more than depression could hold me. Coral grabbed her PTSD and called Sam up to help her care for Nahko perfectly, as Sam is perfect. I was saved from myself and my own demons as I came to the aid of another. I was back here and now because Nahko Bear was hurt and she needed all of me. Thank you Nahko Bear for needing me so much that I had to come out of the abyss to help you. Nahko Bear has done far more for me than I could ever possibly do for her. Thank you Nahko Bear. Thank you Tamara for being as you are, for loving as you do. I love you baby! You are amazing!

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! Get out of yourself and be of service today. It may save your life. God knows it has saved mine many, many times. I love you!

A Sherry lesson on “Some gave all” this morning.

Happy Sunday everyone! This morning we are blessed with a “Sherry Lesson” that came to me driving home yesterday. I had an amazing day yesterday with beautiful friends and on my way home, as I prayed, my Mom came through so clearly that I had to share with each of you, this life lesson from my beautiful mom! Welcome to the healing room! I hope you have your coffee and Kleenex in hand, as Sherry nailed it this morning!

For me, as you know, the struggle has been real. As of recent, my father and I are estranged except for snail mail correspondence. The man I love more than any other, and myself have turned our situation over to God, as we simply cannot handle it on our own. We cannot speak civilly to one another right now. Angry and betrayed and hurt enough…I almost hit my own father. I have no clearer sign that I must walk away to save us both right now. We cannot share our lives and so we have gone our separate ways, only bound by the love in our hearts for one another. I pray that love is enough. I pray that no matter who or what or where I go…no matter what does or does not happen, with all of my heart, I pray that my Daddy always knows my love for him; for nothing will ever change my love for you my father. Nothing can ever take from me the love I have in my heart for you, not even you. I love you. I miss you. I turn it over to God, and I ask for prayers and blessings for our broken little family. This is the first time in my life, ever, that I have strayed from my father. This is the first time ever that I have had courage enough to stand up for what is right and then to stand down and be done fighting what I cannot understand or control. And so I set it down. I let go and I let God.

As many of you know, my Mom was a force to be reckoned with. A powerhouse of a woman in a tiny little package…a southern twang in her voice that wasn’t actually southern at all, always made her presence known. Accompanied by the clickety click of her 👠 high heels, Yes, Sherry was a force all her own. So yesterday while driving home, when she clicked her way in, I prepared a place. This is the most valuable Sherry Lesson you will ever get, so go fill up that coffee cup and let’s get ready!

My parents have been such a huge part of my lives, all of my lives. My best friends and my confidants, to an unhealthy point, rendering me extremely co-dependent and financially dependent upon throughout my life. I won’t go into detail as it matters not, I only say anything because Sherry wants us all to learn from this. I could always make that call and get myself bailed out. I could always get some help if the fruits of my labor didn’t cut it. I always had my mom and dad. I do not have my mom and dad anymore and I am thankful, for it is teaching me to rely on me, to trust and to know me. The silver spoon being yanked out of my mouth busted a few teeth and left me breathless and hurting beyond my own comprehension, and I am thankful for I now now my own strength.

With that being said, all that I own in this entire world, outright, is Little Red, my 1996 Toyota T-100 truck. When my ex-wife left me in 2008 and took, literally everything I own, I ended up having to voluntarily repossess my brand new and beautiful black FJ Cruiser back to the credit union. I drove her to the credit union and I told them I was so sorry and I handed them the keys. I was without transport and I was broken. My little brother saw me and he gifted me the truck he bought to haul his motorcycles on, so that I would have a car to drive. Shawn signed the title over and said I owed him nothing. I have driven little red for the past eleven years. Little Red is a piece of my own heart, a gift from my baby brother, so that I didn’t lose everything else too. Thank you Shawn for seeing me and for loving me like a verb. I love you baby brother.

Before my mom died, on her death bed actually, she said she wanted me to have a brand new Jeep! A bit much I thought and I said so. After my mom died, my dad and I were looking at vehicles for me and we ended up finding the exact same one, the beautiful 2007 FJ Cruiser that I am driving now. We went and drove her and then we went right to the credit union, looking homeless as hell, both of us, and got her financed. That story is one of my fondest memories and Sherry was so happy the day I drove her home! My FJ is still financed and I own just under $6000 on her. I had Little Red sold on Friday for $3000. I was elated, as that put me halfway to paying her off. Thursday night I got a text from the guy I held Little Red for, for three weeks, that he could no longer buy her. Long story short, Little Red and my FJ are both here and neither one of them, nor Tamara’s Jeep are enough for what Santuario de Karuna needs. We have 42 animals here, several of them weighing in over 1500 pounds. Little Red, not Big Red, cannot handle the loads that we must haul to give everyone what they need. We need more and I was praying in this yesterday, when Sherry came through loud and clear.

Sherry simply said that “some gave all. All gave some and some gave all” she repeated to me. I was puzzled at first, I won’t lie. My dilemma, the one warping my fucking mind…the one I’m twisting and trying so desperately to make fit…she says simply, “it is what it is.” What in the literal fuck? I’m praying here! If you’ve no contribution, could you come back later? I need to figure out how to sell Little Red and pay of this FJ…..and she says, “You do not need to sell your truck Coral Dawn. You know what you need to do with Little Red.” Only I didn’t know and she didn’t tell me before she left again. What in the fuck?

As I drove closer to home, I remembered laying next to her on her death bed. I could not have known it then, that I would never hear the click of those heels 👠 or that twang in her voice again. I would never have her to help me to sort it out or pay it off again. I lost both of my lifelines and my own life that day, on that bed with her, before she left here for good. We had to make her funeral arrangements on that bed. We had to decide how to let her go because she was going and nothing stopped that. In lieu of flowers, my mom chose Santuario de Karuna, for all donations. My mom loved flowers as much as anyone I ever knew and she gave up her final bouquets on this earth for the animals here at Santuario de Karuna, so we could keep our promise to make the rest of their lives the best of their lives. On my moms deathbed, she saw me. My mom saw Tamara and I and our dream and on her way out, she did all she could to make this dream come true! Sherry gave it all. Every single last bit of it, to Santuario de Karuna, as she left this world. All she had left to offer is right here in this space that we all call home.

Today, in true Sherry fashion, I give all I’ve got to Santuario de Karuna too. Literally, the only thing I actually own, Little Red, I gift to our Sanctuary and to the animals here, to get them what they need. “Some gave all Coral Dawn. All gave some and some gave all. Follow your heart and do what you know to be right with your soul.”

Anyone who knows me at all knows that if all are giving some and only some are giving all, I am going to figure out how to be one of the ones who gives it all! So today, on behalf of my little brother Shawn and myself, I gift my precious Little Red to the fundraiser, so that we can purchase a truck big enough to care for everyone here. Whatever we make from the sale of Little Red will go directly into the fundraiser that our dear brother Chris put up for us. And so it is. Sherry reminds us that it is what it is. It will only ever, always be what it is. I don’t know what your “Some” is, or your “all”. I only came to tell you that by giving all I’ve got to give, I am beginning to find myself. I highly recommend giving all you’ve got! Thank you mom for the lesson, turned immediately blessing on my drive home to our beautiful Santuario yesterday…”Some gave all Coral Dawn. All gave some and some gave all…”

Happy Sunday everyone! Only you know what to do with the messages the angels send. Sherry reminds each of you, just the same as she reminded me…”Some gave all. All gave some and some gave all. For your own growth, for your own journey, be the one who gives it all!”

We each have the privilege and the opportunity to be of service. We have the ability to be in our community. We have the power to build up our community. We have an animal sanctuary right in our own backyard, literally! And we are all welcome here, Always, We are home here, aren’t we? We are in Sanctuary here. Why not be a part of the community? A true and literal part of something that you believe in? Volunteer. Donate. Share. Commit to $10 a month and be a sponsor. Check out our Facebook page and meet these amazing beings. Come out here and meet them. Help us feed them! For you…do this for you. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I do this!

If you would like to become a monthly donor, a one time donor , a volunteer or a visitor to our Sanctuary, we would love to hear from you! Right now, if you have the means, we would love for you to donate to the fundraiser that our brother Chris has set up right now, to get a new truck that will provide for all of the beautiful beings here. Check us out on Facebook and please donate and follow us! We would love to have you be a part of our compassionate community! All are welcome here!

Santuario de Karuna is on Facebook! I will do a separate post with the fundraiser link after I post this morning’s blog. Please help out if you can!

I love you! Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! Thank you for being in the healing room with Sherry and I this morning!

And the Angels came down again…

Good morning everyone! To all of my brave brothers and sisters who struggle in their separation from sobriety and divinity, in the struggle, I fucking love you! I really, really do. Be it alcohol, drugs, pharmaceuticals, food…we all struggle to sober ourselves from the addictions that we have to something. We may even often be addicted to someone or our idea of someone. The struggle is real for each of us.

The angels came down again yesterday and I received amazing and loving and nurturing massage from my beautiful sister and angel, I received acupuncture from an angel from the heavens and my first injection into my sciatic nerves on my left side from yet another angel. This morning, there is a bit of relief and I am so thankful! To everyone who lays hands and hearts on me, thank you for your love. Truly, I love you and appreciate your love so much.

I met my silly friend Sigrid for tea yesterday and I am so blessed to have my silly! We are kindred souls and I love our time together. We are ever the same and I am humbled. Thank you Sigrid, for all things. I love you silly!

My beautiful angel Regina reaches me daily and my heart giggles when I am with her. I love you Regina.

The love of my life and my soulmate, is a constant beacon and my light in the darkness. As I swim upstream, she is my legs and often my breath. As I go under, she is my life preserver. As I woke up feeling better, and she made me the most amazing breakfast again this morning, I thanked God for his grace and his mercy. I love you Tamara. I could not be more blessed. I know I don’t always say it and I sometimes forget to tell you that you are everything to me and I love you with all of my heart. I am so, so, so, so, so….thankful for you my love.

And Prajna held me close last night and nursed my wounds throughout the night. Curled up in me this morning, my best little friend in all of the world, P~Mama!!!!! I love you Prajna Mama! Thank you for how you see me and know me and love me. You are my very own little heart outside my chest and I love you with all of my heart.

Dear God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

I hope you have a beautiful Friday! I love you!