Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Meandering thoughts…all aboard!

Good morning everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Labor Day weekend. Our weekend was nice and we are blessed for sure. For me lately, the struggle is real. I’ve been missing my mom in the worst sort of way . For the last few days functionality eludes me a bit. The tears come in waves and wash over me like a tsunami. The emotions are high and the pain is intense, for the loss of the life I once had. I’ve no idea why this hits me this way. I just know that when it does, it leaves me reeling and praying for my own escape from this life that I fail so miserably to understand sometimes. Missing my mom is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to learn to do. There is no reprieve from the emptiness of the void that my mom left when she died. An abyss that sometimes sucks me in and has her way with me, before she spats me out. I scurry to scrape up my broken pieces again before I collapse in the pain of it all. Losing ones mom is no fucking joke. Losing ones mom is having your very soul exposed to the elements with no protective barrier. Life without the one who carried me in, proves difficult, painful and very out of my reach some days. Yesterday was such a day for me. The pain and the tears and the yearning and helpless, hopeless, worthless feeling of it all. I collapsed under the pressure and shattered over and over and over again from the inside. Thank you Tamara for keeping me safe and fed and for giving me space and for being close. Yesterday is the worst mom day I’ve had in a while. Thank you for holding me through the pain and emptiness of it all. I love you Tamara. Thank you for how you love me. Some day I won’t be such a fucking wreck. I promise.

Coming off a year and a half working with Aiden, I feel a little sad to have our time together coming to a close. I am elated that Aiden got what we all gathered to get for him. Aiden was reunited with his family first and then last Thursday, Aiden got justice! I will always go and visit Aiden! I will always be Aidens to some degree and Aiden will always hold sacred space in my very soul. I am glad that Aiden got what Aiden went to court for and I am honored to have been there with him when he got it. The still shot for channel four really does encompass and speak to the love and support for Aiden and his family throughout this ordeal, and I am blessed beyond measure to be a part of Aidens world! I ask for continuing love and prayers for Aiden and for his struggle with Tracheal collapse, as we build Aiden the perfect new throat. Your love and prayers are the reason that Aiden is celebrating with his family and I thank each and every one of you for loving and praying so, so much! Thank you Team Aiden!!! And if you would, say it with me…”I love you Aiden!!!!!”

As I rework my own schedule and charge myself with the energy needed to see my beautiful clients today, a tear rolls down my cheek to see Aidens name gone from its slot on my roster. The tear is for me, for my missing him and it is nothing compared to how happy I am that once my work completes itself, it lives on forever! I will be forever grateful for the work that I do and for the beings I have met doing my work. Aiden is always and forever going to stand out as one of my clients who has touched me the most deeply. I love you Aiden!!!!!Thank you for trusting me to work with and your family little buddy! I am honored to be on Team Aiden! All of my love this morning for Aiden and his family as they return to their lives before Aiden was stolen.

As for me, I am feeling myself retreating and going within a bit. So much stuff to work on inside of myself. So many unresolved hurts and feelings and emotions that I am purging out my eyes lately. I am deep cleaning this time and pulling out all of this fucking pain. No pain left behind this time. No stone left unturned. The purge before demolition is proving to be a tough one for sure and I am only holding on to those holding on to me also. If you aren’t holding on, I’m going to honor you and your journey and cut you loose before I go out again. The precision and momentum needed to propel us out of this cesspool of shit is going to be intense and we all need to intention some healing here. No child left behind…and yet, each of us must grow up enough to get on board and commit to the journey. Each of us must take a post and do our work…And…we all have the choice to stay or to go. Whatever your choice, we are boarding now and will be pulling out of port very soon. If you’re going to be on board, grab your life jacket and your coffee and head into the healing room. I will meet you in there once I see everyone else off. Everyone else, thank you for your service and best of luck to you in your future ventures. Thank you for being part of my world and for staying the course with me as long as you did. Doors are open and you are free to go!

I feel a little sad to say goodbye to some of you this morning. I’ve been doing all I can to keep you aboard and afloat. The thing is, you aren’t doing anything to keep you aboard and afloat and this ship just isn’t going to go down again like that. If you don’t care more about you and your life than I do, I finally accept that I cannot help you. I am also finally okay with that. My work cannot evolve when I continue to work for people who never fucking punch the time clock at all. My pinnacle cannot be exhaulted if I sit down here on my ass breast feeding you all day long. And so it is, I bid your farewell. With all of my love and prayers, I leave you behind this time when I pull out, to live the life you imagined. All of my love and best wishes to each of you! Bon voyage!!

What a wild world! Truly…what a trip this all is! Sitting in my body, missing my mom out of her body. Loving all of you so much and finally loving me more than so much. Preparing to leave port with a skeleton crew for my greatest voyage of all. My life can be summed up in three words…it’s a trip! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! All aboard!!!!

Thank you Tamara for this morning’s talk. I love you.

Good morning everyone. I am in a rough place and have been for the last week. The tears won’t stop and the pain in my heart has been intolerable. My body revolted and I’ve been to see my chiropractor twice to put me back together this week. I woke crying again this morning and I just fucking can’t. I cannot be debilitated any longer by the words and actions of others. I cannot be in all of this pain any longer. For this pain, in actuality, is my own pain and these transgressions are mine.

My experience of my pain…mine. My heart breaking…that’s mine too. I had expectations and so I am disappointed. I had the highest of hopes, also in actuality, expectations, and I am so sad that my hopes will not be coming true. I stand corrected. This pain that I carry, this hurt and this anger and this resentment…it’s all mine. Projected onto the masses…my pain and my misconceptions…my experience of my life, riddled with expectations. We always called them hopes. We called a lot of things a lot of things that took us completely away from what they really were. So today, I claim that which is mine. This space that I am in and this way that I am feeling…this is mine. The anger and the rage and all of the hurt and disappointment…mine. The misunderstanding…mine also. I have set it all down, as to not carry that which is not mine. I can clearly see that inadvertently, I put some of my shit in your pile. I go to my knees before you and I retrieve it now. I know better. I’ll do better.

Tamara is my everything. My sounding board and my confidant…my lover, my soulmate and my best friend. This morning, she shared a truth that turns out to be a missing piece for me, in my healing. This past week has hurt me worse than any other ever. Four and a half decades came crashing down around me and I knew not what to do.

What I did was I reacted. I returned, with venom and ill intent, the attack upon me. I raged and boiled over. In reaction to truth withheld, I came literally unhinged. I was shaking and seething and livid and crushed into bits. I was destroyed and so I became destructive, in both my words and in my actions. I got up to walk away because I knew in my heart, what I would do if I stayed. I have never really known how to take the liberty of walking away when someone calls me back. I have been held captive by myself for the last 165 hours…taunted and tortured and plagued by my own thoughts. I have known not what to do.

Clarity came this morning in our living room, as Tamara and I talked and as I cried. This pain that just won’t quit…this pain is so very many things right now. Loss and disappointment…disgust and sorrow…resentment and shock…and most of all, regret. I really do not have regrets, so this hurts me a lot. I regret, not who I’ve been, as a result of things completely beyond my control…I regret who I’ve been without even knowing it, an angry and entitled person…a person without my own words and thoughts…a person whose actions have been out of alignment with my very own soul. And so without further ado…I stand corrected in the light of a new day, for being out of alignment with my own soul. I learn. I grow. I ebb and I flow. It matters not where I came from. It matters how I allow myself to heal, to admit my faults and shortcomings…ask forgiveness for my transgressions and for your transgressions also. So this morning, I am sorry for the anger and hate that I have harbored for a lifetime. I am here to set that down. Every single moment has brought me to right here. Right here is where I begin again. Right now is where I begin to honor my own heart and my own soul and my own knowing of what is right and what is wrong. If it does not feel right to me, I will not share space. And so it is. Thank you Tamara for talking me down this morning so that I can go out and offer myself and my gifts to the world. I love you to the moon and back. I love you to infinity and beyond.

To each of you, have a beautiful day! I love you!