Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Corals final blog…From Babylon to Zion….

Good morning everyone and happy Friday! Here we finally are…at my final post for Coralsblog.com

What a whirlwind, roller coaster ride we have all been on together so far! Thank you to each and everyone who comes to our healing room together. There is a healing room of epic promotions for all of us on the horizon and that is where we are headed! In the interim, we are preparing a space for you, so prepare yourselves for some epic greatness!

My deepest and most heartfelt gratitude to each of you who has been here with me through it all. My life is richer and my journey has been so blessed because you have been here journeying with me. Thank you.

Coralsblog.com is going to be exported, edited and archived for reference. It will be available again and more easy to reference and navigate when it returns. All of the writings will be cleaned up and edited a bit to make them easier to find. I will be working my ass off to propel us all up and out of our pain into the love that awaits us, so stay tuned.

Please keep an eye out for my new launch in April and send lots of love as I leap out into the great unknown! All of your love and prayers are appreciated as I turn the tide.

I will keep you all apprised via Facebook, email and Instagram of my progress and my journey. All I can say now is hold on, cause it’s going to be an epic ride! Thanks for loving me on through to the other side. I love you all right back and I’m taking you with me, if you want to come! Please stay close and stay tuned.

As I turn to shut the lights off for the last time in this healing room, I am grateful. My heart is full. My coffee cup is empty and my mind is already off somewhere else, preparing a new healing space for us to meet in. I won’t look back, for I have been living in my own wake for my entire life. I have been behind me in my pain, unable to gain the I confidence and wisdom I have needed to propel myself forward. I rise up! I bail myself out and I’m taking you with me!!!

To each and every one of you who held me, held space for me, loves me in spite of me, like a verb and always, thank you. You each have a place in my heart and many of you are why I’m still here at all.

To my very first reader, Rob, I love you so much brother! And to my every single day, loud and proud readers, Janet and Valerie and Lisa…thank you all so much. To all of my followers and friends who trudged the trenches with me to dig this all up, thank you for never leaving my side. To my family of origin, thanks for letting me go so that I didn’t have to leave you guys. Thank you for bringing me in and for doing your best and most of all, thank you for releasing me to find the love and life I deserve. For every broken rib and busted tooth and fuck that I didn’t consent to…for every horrible and abusive thing I heard and learned, I am so thankful, for it has taught me who I have also been and who I will never be again. I, the abused have also been the abuser and I am so fucking thankful to know both of these things so that I may come clean for real this time. I too have thrown blows and words around like I had the right to do so. I too have been the abuser in my own life. I was born into an abuse cycle that I have done nothing except for perpetuate on both sides, as both The victim and the abuser. I once completely shattered someone’s face whom I loved very much, simply for not loving me back. I have thrown vile words around like candy and never once understood the abuse in that. My ignorance of my abuse cycles did not un-abuse the people who fell into it with me and for that and for everyone I harmed, I am so deeply sorry. The rage in me and the ability I have to level you with one blow…well that came with my abuse cycle and as much as I bring her down, she is in there and I know she will always be in there. My rage is the only reason I am still here with you. I am just learning to steer her on a beautiful path instead of allowing her to dig my own grave for me.

To anyone I ever dated with children or animals, including Tamara and all of Santuario, thank you for loving me back to loving animals again. I was forced to harm and torture and kill animals in my childhood and so this gift, this trust, this opportunity you’ve given me to heal here, well it means more than everything and anything to me, so thank each of you for loving me in spite of me and for working with me to know how to love animals right. I know I was a horrible step parent and although I didn’t know it then, I can’t not see that now. To each child I harmed in any way, if only ever by just being intoxicated and full of bad words and inappropriate words and conduct, I am so very sorry. To Tamara, both my abuser and the woman I have abused in my own pain and dysfunction, I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for hearing me and for your apology. Thank you for loving me and for accepting my apology. Hurt people hurt people. We must know that we are the only ones who can break this cycle. To everyone who hurt me, I truly do love you just the same, which is why I set you down completely now and walk away from a hell that knew no bounds. I won’t take Babylon with me to Zion, and yet I know I live in both worlds. I’m off to enjoy Zion for a bit! I invite you to join me in my bliss! From pissed to bliss…just like this!

To every author, songwriter , friend and master that I use words and lyrics from, thank you! Trevor Hall and Nahko…SOJA…you guys saved me when nothing else could touch me at all. Thank you!

To Eileen…andthe mala that started it all…thank you sister. Thank you! I encourage everyone to check out my girl over at “The Stoned Healer”. Eileen’s passion and dedication to her craft lifted me from my own hellfire! Thank you sister! I love you!

Jump on board you guys! We are just getting started! I will see you on the flip side! Have a beautiful Friday and I’ll see you again real soon! All of my love and thanks, for all that each of you are to me! I LOVE YOU!!!

Please help us sing Cheii home to his family today….

Happy Tuesday everyone. We are so capable of so much, aren’t we? Sitting here in Tijeras with Chii, praying for divine guidance to get him back to his family. Ancient wisdom and intuition haven’t availed is quite enough strength yet, to get him home to his people. Chii and I sit silently with Spirit. We know you want to help and so this is what we need from you. We need your love and prayers. We need your intention to get Cheii from where he is now, which we do not know, therein lies our dilemma, back to his home or Summit. I am using all I’ve got to block energetic boundaries in all directions. Nahko is doing his work in musical medicine with Trevor Hall and I am channeling and weaving their work into mine. “Directions” by Nahko and Medicine for the People is the song chosen by Cheii and I this morning to get his chariot to roll by and pick him up and take him to safety.

The help I need for my work in this is for you to use all of your love and energy while playing this song to summon the courage and vibration, the love and integrity of tribe…the humanity and the acceptance of oneness…to literally bring Cheii our into the light so we can see him and usher him to warmth and safety. Often, when we are lost, we are also scared. When we are scared, sometimes we hide. We get cold and lonely and disoriented and frightened and we become prey. I have placed myself as a human shield around our beloved Cheii and I will hold him, without cessation until he rests again in the loving arms of his people. With my arms around Cheii, I am seeing you all from the inside of him, as he is heart center in front of me. This beautiful man has seen oppression and this man has been persecuted. I take any arrows lobbed his way and I break them in two. I disarm any energy that does not vibrate to his highest frequency. Let it be known that this man is protected by Great Spirit and he should be handled with the greatest care and love. Should he be under the thumb of someone to whom he does not belong, I order his safe and immediate release at this moment, to the loving and protective arms of the Navajo Nation. By the power vested in me by Great Spirit, I demand that this man be handed over and cared for deeply until he returns to safety. And so it is.

And so this morning, with all of my love, I return to prayer and meditation, to honor the highest place in myself, the one that we each have, to use what we have for someone else. Whatever it is and however you use your gift, we could really use your talents to bring Cheii home. There are search parties and many other ways to help. If each of us did a little something, we could all get much more substantial results. We must stop with the mentality that says that we, one person, do not or cannot make a difference. We are all we’ve got. What we do with what we’ve got…well that is entirely up to us, isn’t it? “This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine….”

Please help! Missing Elder from the Navajo Nation

I would really appreciate if everyone could throw some serious love and prayers to get Dennis home today. This came across my feed this morning and grabbed my heart strings. Time feels to be of the essence and so I ask each of you to send up a prayer and to do what you can to get Dennis safely home. We must honor and respect our Elders and I raise the bar for each of us today to just that.

Let us love this family up while we bring their brother back home to safety. All of my love and thanks to each of you for placing this as priority this morning. All together now, let us pray:

Our Heavenly Father,

Please watch after Dennis and surround him safely in your loving arms. Please ease his pain and fear, and carry him that he not get further from his home and his people. God, please take this man unto you to ensure his safety and his peace, his comfort through your grace and mercy. Please Lord, hear our prayers and being Dennis safely home. And so it is. Amen.

“Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this.” Trevor Hall

Happy Saturday everyone! I love you. I apologize for my low vibing energy lately. I definitely got stuck in a rut. Fortunately, I walk with amazing angels and I rise up this morning. To each of you who has also fallen along the way, I lift you up with me this morning. With my hand outstretched before you, you’ve a choice to take hold or not, just as we all do. I’ve been unable to take hold until this morning and so with all of my love, I reach to anyone in that struggle. Just let go. Stop fearing the fall and just let go. I am in free fall right now myself. The letting go was scary and the fall has its moments of uncertainty. The bottom comes quickly some days and I’ve learned that’s okay too.

We are all in this together and I’ve been called to action. I am in the process of bringing myself forward and I believe I’m about to get a pretty swift kick in the ass to do so, so, hold on you guys…we are about to exhault our pinnacles with Aiden. All of those good things that Nahko speaks of….all of the good things coming…those good things are here already! We are about to embark up on them together.

My mind is being emptied of all of its contents. There is major demolition and renovation going on inside of me at a cellular level. All that does not serve is breaking off and being removed in truckloads. Material possessions, thoughts and ideas…ideals and expectations…wants and needs and desires…it’s all being leveled as we speak. My heart is being repaired and the thorns are carefully being removed and dislodged from my psyche. The holes are being mended and the bleeding is coming to a slowing stop. The generational pain and annihilation of broken beings many centuries ago who raped children and destroyed animals is being called front and center and I shall be responsible for the healing of this devastation. I shall be the keeper of this gate and there will be no passage until we get her locked down, sorted out, healed up and for to return to mainstream. We will not keep polluting the stream and pretending it’s not killing our oceans.

So it is written and so it shall be…so everyone hold on! We are not in practice mode any longer. This is the real deal and we are headed to our heights! I repeat, This is not a drill. Please gather your things, and only the things you really need. Leave the rest behind. Come with me. Thank you God, for everyone and everything in my beautiful life!And so it is.

Have a beautiful Saturday everyone! “Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this.” Trevor Hall

I write for one of my dearest friends since mid school this morning…love her up please❤️

Good morning everyone. Happy Friday the 13th! Today is a difficult day for someone whom I love very much and someone whom I have loved for a very long time. A week ago my friend found her boyfriend deceased when she went to go meet him for morning coffee. My world tilted upon receiving this news. Words left me. My heart holds hers and I reach out to each and every one of you this morning, and I ask you to stop what you are doing and lift my sister up to God himself to comfort her on this day. A week ago her world literally shattered into a million pieces.

Many of us are struggling, aren’t we? In relationship, we struggle. In work, we struggle. In friendship, we struggle. Internally and externally, we struggle.

I never had the blessed privilege of meeting my friends boyfriend. I was just too busy to make the time I guess. More over, there would be time to meet him later. I would make time later to meet the guy who lit my friends heart ablaze. I got a text last Friday…”I found my boyfriend dead this morning….” Let me tell you something…there is no appropriate response for a text like that. There are no fucking words or subsequent texts that say enough or say it right. There isn’t a hug big enough or empathy strong enough for pain like this. The pain of my friend, which I jumped in front of is a pain that I would not wish upon anyone.

My dearest friend,

I write this open letter to you a week after receiving your text about Ron. I write this letter to you, for everyone this morning, at Rons request. I would typically ask permission and he is very clear that he has granted permission from his new realm, and so I’m going with that this morning.

Tracy, girl, you gave me something that no one ever gave me before. Your love and care for me changed my broken heart. Your faith in me and love for me healed parts of me that I thought would never heal. “Close your eyes and tell me what’s your wish. Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this baby”…you’ll always be my baby. I love you. I am never far away. Love, your man

Thank you for coming by this morning brother. I will be with your girl today and we will be with you ❤️

I Always open my blog for messages from places that others cannot receive messages from. Ron wants me to let you each know that waking up dead has been, by far, the hardest thing that ever happened to him. Being there and not being there…being gone and not being able to come back…being touched and not being able to touch back. Being dead on the other side of the cooling glass and unable to reach out and comfort the person who you gave yourself and your heart to. Death doesn’t allow for two cups of hot coffee in the morning and the empty cup echos the conversation you yourself are dying to have with the one gone from you.

Many of us have strayed far away from all that we hold sacred and dear. Many of us have completely given up on things that may have had some life still left in them. Many of us are sucking the life out of things with little life left in them. Some of us left the driveway. Some of us stayed in the driveway. Some of us live and some of us died. If you have someone this morning, Ron says to grab two cups and run to them! Do not pass go. Do not make excuses and don’t let your blame and shame derail you from them.

For anyone who is not sitting here this morning with an empty cup of coffee and an empty chair before you, a broken heart inside you, and no moments left, I’m going to encourage you to move your ass quickly to the one you love with a hot cup of coffee this morning. I’m going to offer you the insight to make some room for amazing conversation and close your time together with your biggest hug. Time does run out. Coffee does get cold. We give up and we cannot go back and un-give up.

A week later, I am here to tell you, as I head to the funeral home this afternoon to pay respects to a body I’ve never laid eyes on, I wish I had made time for what is important to me. As the service approaches tomorrow and as the procession gathers behind his hearse for his final ride to Santa Fe tomorrow, for interment into our National Cemetery, I close my eyes and remember that all we’ve got is this. Ron served our country in the United States Air Force and I thank you for your service brother.

Ron passed away Friday, September 6, 2019 at his home, at 61 years old. He is survived by family and friends and by my dear friend, Tracy, who meant everything to him, and he to her.

Whatever it is and however you ended up in your predicament…however badly it hurts and however difficult it is to communicate…you aren’t dead on the floor this morning and God willing, you’re not standing over the one whom you love dead this morning. Sit with that for as long as you need to and then do what you need to do. Time does run out. Ron should know a lot more about any of this than we do this morning, as he reaches for a coffee cup that he can no longer hold from the other side this morning and a girl that he loves and cannot hold through the pain of losing him.

I am going to ask each of you to say with me this morning….”I love you Tracy. Our arms and or love surround you.”

All of my love to you Tracy and to each of you. Go grab two cups of coffee this morning, for Tracy and Ron, and let’s lift them up. Go grab your someone and fix whatever is broken. Time does run out.

I am off to get me some emotional intelligence…you want to come too?

Good morning everyone. I appreciate all of your love as I navigate some difficult terrain on my life path. I know I have always been extremely hard on myself and I am learning to love myself better. It’s not easy, as I am learning that my patterning is lacking some integrity in some places. I am learning how flawed I really am and how many mistakes I have made. I am learning that I was the one who was wrong when I was blaming others. I am learning how deeply and badly and consistently I was harmed and I am really trying not to be harmful to others. I have been harmful to others and that is a hard pill for me to swallow. So…I guess I do beat myself up over it. I am a work in progress and I am definitely a hurt people who has hurt people. What in the fuck do we do when we wake up to realize who we have been? How do we not want to go back to sleep or cease to exist all together when we realize that we are the most fucked up part of our equations? For me, I’m struggling with those questions and with the want to be here now. I am struggling to ceasefire on myself and to stop reliving all of this pain. I am aware that the only thing I’ve really got going for me right now is my ability to own my shit, which isn’t much really. I will be mucking this out for a while. I have been sitting in it all of my life…a cesspool of shit…marinating in it and bathing in it. It is way past time to come clean. As I come clean, there are many tears and some regrets. There is a lot of pain for pain I’ve caused. There is collateral damage for my selfish and senseless actions and inactions. So, if you’re looking for me, I will be dealing with my part of the cesspool. I think I’ve walked around this pool my whole life and been thrown in it consistently. I swim in the deep waters, the murky and cloudy waters of a pool that my family created simply by doing nothing about this pool at all, except for to deny its very existence. Alcoholism and incest…child abuse and infidelity…lies and cheating and berating and blaming…and it was my way of life for well, my entire life. Family get togethers and family reunions…all fueled by alcohol and inappropriate conduct, sexual deviance and perversion. Thanksgiving with a blanket of drunkenness and a twist of sexual deviance….as we give thanks over the big dead bird in the center of the table. The irony and dichotomy….the duality and triangulation…the push and the pull and the fallout of my life…all fueled by deep family pain and dysfunction. Generations of family pain and fucking with the children and the animals… the screaming and the pinching and the slapping and the punching…the lies and the sex and the fountain of alcohol to numb it all. As I stand here, looking back, I’ve a more clear view of it all. I am a product of my own abuse and I have been the abuser at times myself. I am a broken down alcoholic, incest survivor who just cannot get her shit together some days. Sitting in the middle of this cesspool this morning with the lies of my life ricocheting throughout my entire being…I just sit quietly. What else am I to do? I mean really…I guess I will just be sitting with all of this for a bit.

For those of you whom I have wronged, I ask your forgiveness. For those of you whom I’ve hurt, I am so sorry. For those who love me still and just them same, thank you. And as for me, I’m learning to love myself, in spite of existing in a loveless place for so long. I am learning how to be kind and not snarky and inpatient and sarcastic. I am learning not to laugh at what isn’t funny, but because I am uncomfortable inside. I am learning to be silent in my pain and to pause before I speak. I am learning that I’ve been more reactive to my entire life than proactive and I am making adjustments accordingly, as I am able. I see the hot mess in the mirror and I am trying to figure out what in the fuck to do with her. So, ya I guess I am a little hard on myself sometimes. I will work on that too.

I miss Aiden and I’m glad he is basking in his justice! I am basking in his justice too. Aiden sends love to his man without the leg often and I know the man feels Aidens love. Aiden knows that hurt people hurt people and he loves just the same. Some day I am going to be like Aiden. Some day, in spite of all of my pain and the wrongdoing in my life, I am going to exhault my pinnacle like Aiden. Some day my heart will love like Aidens and my mind won’t fuck everything up so much. Some day I won’t need any words and all I will be is love, like Aiden too. Today though, I am not Aiden, I am just striving to be like Aiden and missing Aiden so so much. I love you Aiden. Thank you for all of the love and trust and color and beauty you have brought into my world. I love you little buddy. I love you so much!

And so, with that, I am crawling back into bed to say my prayers. I will be here a while this morning, as I’ve no idea where to turn or which way to begin addressing the wreckage of my life. I can’t be sorry enough for some things and for some of the people who have landed in this wreckage. I lift up every single person that I have wronged or harmed this morning that they may be washed clean of the shit that I spewed all over them.

My main focus is my life henceforth is to practice emotional intelligence. Tamara picked this up at her conference on the Link between domestic violence and animal abuse. I had never heard of emotional intelligence. If you’ve met me, this is not a surprise at all, is it? Emotional intelligence is “the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judicially and empathetically. Emotional intelligence is the key to personal and professional success.”

And so it is no wonder that without emotional intelligence, I have missed key points in both my personal and professional lives. Better late than never, right? I mean it explains everything. Now I just have to unravel it all and get it aired out and healing and then we can begin again, building the Coral I know I am at my core.

As all of this pain and dysfunction and guilt and blame and shame begin to wash off of me, I thank God and each of you for your love and forgiveness. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you. Let us all learn about and practice some emotional intel today, shall we?

Meeting God through the eyes of each other…

Happy Friday everyone! I hope your week has been amazing! I hope your life is all that you imagine. I hope you are happy with who you are. I am trying to realize what is missing from me so that I can complete me. There feels to have always been a piece of me missing. I always thought that the missing piece was someone else. I am learning that what is missing from me is me. Pain seems to be my biggest teacher right now and I find the classroom to be a bit stale and uncomfortable…a bit stuffy and uptight. And so, I’m up to stretch my legs and walk around a bit before going back in and taking this lesson seriously. I am going to go for a run and then for a bath in the river to wash me clean and then I shall return to the lesson and the classroom. This pain and learning…learning and pain…it’s foreign to me in a way and in another way, it already is my way. I don’t know why but I have definitely lived a life full of pain and I have a little heart full of rain. Some days, like the last three, the rain floods out everything else and I get pretty fucking washed out. I miss what I don’t hold. I don’t hold what I have in my hands properly. I feel like I am one step out of touch with myself. One fucking step out of step with my highest self, my Dharma…and that one step has me skipping like a scratched and warped record. I feel the flow and my stride picks up and then that one fucking step that I am out of rhythm with throws me back into my abyss. This skipping and warped record…the skip and the uneasiness of it all…I think it’s all of this fucking pain. My own self skips a beat in all of the pain and my record cannot even release to hit the charts to see where it might land. The one step that I am out of is the one step that I need to right my own rhythm. Every other step stands in wait as I master this one. My breath flows steadily in and slowly and intentioned back out again, as I consciously embrace and sit with all of this pain. I immerse myself in it and wrap myself up in it, bathe in it and thank God for it, as it is the path I have chosen to exhault me to my own pinnacle.

And on another note…damn it do I miss Aiden! A year and a half of all Aiden, all the time, and I am lonely without him. I know I must detach myself from he and his family energetically right now so that they can all bask in the glory of Aidens victory and of Aiden being back home with them. I can just see Jaxson and Aiden and Dori celebrating just being together with Aiden and my heart is full. I know Aidens mom and Dad must be so happy and able to come down now and I never wanted anything more for all of them. I have definitely missed them since court on Thursday, when the universe told me to let them go. Aiden wrote his mom a note and I dropped it in the mail. I picked up my piles of Aiden rosters and pictures and my own little heart ❤️♥️💜 and I said a little prayer, actually a big prayer, for Aiden and his beautiful family. When our work is done, it is forgotten and that is how it lasts forever. I know that no matter how long I live I will never forget Aiden or his family. Thank you Aiden for taking me with you on your journey and for trusting me to exhault you to your pinnacle. I am still doing the Aiden fro grow for your strength and I am only ever a call away. Your mom and I are building your new trachea in our dreams with God and we’ve got you! I LOVE YOU AIDEN!!!!! I love you so much little buddy!! Thank you for the color you bring to my world. I will be strong and stop crying about missing you so much and I will come and visit you once the energy settles and everyone’s lives return to order a bit. I am always with you and never more than a breath away.

Missing Aiden…missing my mom…missing Robin and her family…missing my own family…Mostly though, I guess I really just miss me. I miss me when I’m not totally thrown into my work and not sitting where I’m sitting now, desperately trying to right me and my life and to illuminate my own path. Aiden, please help me to exhault my pinnacle too, okay? Somewhere between this ring and the last one, I lost my grip. Somewhere between the last lap and this pit stop, I have lost my stamina. Somewhere between you and I, I have lost myself little buddy. Who the fuck am I without you Aiden? Who am I without my sister Robin? Who am I without my mom? Who the fuck am I without me Aiden? Where did I go and can you help me to find my way back? I found you in the recliner and I stayed with you until we could get out and I knew how to do that. I don’t know how I knew. I just know that I knew how to keep us safe together and to come home together. Look at me now Aiden. I need help getting back in the game. I have my red adidas shoes on and I’m holding my mala in my hands. I am on my knees in prayer position and I am ready to be exhaulted. Aiden, please raise me up to you that I may take my place in the world at your right hand, to do your work and your bidding for you. And so it is.

Maybe all of this jumbled up rhetoric makes no reasonable sense at all. Maybe I just have to say the words and go through the motions. God says the one attribute which I have that he needs is that I am always willing. Without hesitation, consideration, or question, I stand at the ready for his call. Names for God for me are Aiden and Robin and sister and brother and Tamara and Prajna and Nahko and Mala and Aliah, and Rocky and Taos…Taos is God for sure!!! And so this morning, I call up the God that exists in each of us…our highest self…the best of who we are…to realize the God in each other. Look into my eyes and meet God and invite me into your eyes to meet God.

Today, as directed and by the power vested in me, I clear the fog from my own eyes that you may only ever see divinity in my eyes henceforth. You will not ever be able to look into my eyes again without seeing God in you and I both. God has removed the shroud and gifted each of you, the gift of my eyes. Visits with these eyes and the soul of the divine are coming into play in the world now. Many of you will come to me for this gift, as you have been called to do. Those who seek me will find me. So it is written and so it shall be, that you shall find God within you by looking into the eyes of God in someone else. And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone! Touch your own divinity today so that we may begin to connect and heal our world. I raise us all up to exhault our pinnacles through acts of selfless and unconditional love and service. I am available should you be called to me. I love you.

A very hard Sherry Lesson for the ages this morning..

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I am sitting in reflective space right now and learning to adjust myself without being reactive. Sitting in the pain without uttering a word. Absorbing the shock of it all with no fall out. It all just is. “It is what it is.” That’s a Sherry lesson all in itself. Fuck I hated when my mom said this to me. It felt so insensitive and shallow and weak as I hated hearing it. I’m not a huge fan of hearing it now either, if I may be totally honest. And yet, it always ever only is, what it is. It can never really be anything else, other than what it is, can it? It is what it is indeed, isn’t it? Whatever it is…it is what is it, isn’t it? So, it would appear that Sherry is here to bestow some wisdom upon me this morning, as I learn to keep it in and not break apart. No need to blow yourself completely open she says…because will it change anything if you do? What has been done and said has been done and said and I feel how I feel inside. Nothing changes that. Speaking of how I feel does not change it and keeping how I feel inside doesn’t change it either. What will change it is how you look at it she insists. Change the way you look at it Coral and it will change. Accept it for what it is and stop fighting it. Change your relationship to it. Change the way you view it and feel it and perceive it. AND, you don’t have to talk it out or be heard or be witnessed in your pain. This pain is for you. You called it to you to evolve and grow you and you need it to strength train in your soul gym. Could this be the “Precious Pain” that Melissa Etheridge sings about? Is this the “House of Pain” that Faster Pussycat crones about in their 80s tune? This pain that Sherry says I call to be my teacher….this pain isn’t precious and there is more than house full of it. All of the “it is what it is” in the world doesn’t help me right now with this boatload of fucking pain that I can’t seem to jump ship from. Pain is your teacher Coral. Pain is the lesson and the blessing. Stop crying about it and continue your education already.

I can see that Sherry is not in an arms wide open, let me hold you space this morning. I could use some holding more than scolding right now. And so I know, as history has taught me…you’re not here to be held. You are here to learn. And so I crack open my decompression book and try to locate my pen so I can set myself up for some higher learning this morning. Anyone else care to take this lesson I with me? Not the most inviting morning topic and me without my coffee…okay Sherry, let’s have it!

The place you are stuck in is your own mind. The thoughts you have around you are your blankets. The companions on your journey are your thoughts…make them kinder and gentler and softer. Stop crucifying yourself and everyone else with your thoughts. Don’t let anyone destroy you with their thoughts either. We all think. We all have that. A place where we can be alone and sort and try to make sense…all ours and untainted until we speak. Once we speak, the chaos inside comes outside with us and we can’t sort anymore. Now there are just piles of words that we wish we had kept as blankets in our beds. We can’t put the words back in and now we have to figure out what to do with them. There are different piles of words. Stupid words and angry words and hurtful and shallow words…deep and jagged words and piles upon piles of them everywhere. A conversation here and half of a conversation there, that I can never pick up again. It’s a fucking barren field, a lonely cemetery of words that will never go back in and who have no place to go. These words are all of the words that no one ever wants. This cemetery is full of words waiting to be buried that are too big for death holes. Grave diggers don’t dig holes big enough for the words I’ve used that I can’t take back. And Sherry is. not wrong, ever, I guess that it all really is what it is, isn’t it?

I guess I grew up slowly or maybe I’m just more like Peter Pan, I don’t think I’m here to grow up at all too much. I’ll die younger than we thought I would, with so much life left in me yet. With so much left to offer, I shall perish. Hopefully, I shall leave here full of all of the jagged, angry, ugly and unnecessary words that we all left in the boneyard. Maybe I can gather them all up while I’m still here and take them with me when I go, so that no one else has to stand here feeling this way about the things that come out that never go back in. Maybe I can clean this up for all of us and leave the world better than I found it. At the very least, I will stop putting words out there that no one wants. I will stop letting words out that no one can digest or get back in. Sherry says that this is the only way to begin to address the boneyard that I stand in, full of words I ought to keep to myself.

And so this morning, I’m not trying to find the words. I’m not searching for a way to express how I feel. I’m not doing much at all except for not even writing some notes, while sitting in Sherry’s classroom of higher spiritual learning. I guess I just am. Siting here with my Peter Pan wings all crumpled up and bent, trying to scrub these fucking tear stains off of my ugly little face, trying not to cry some more…I just want to be alone with my words. Both the words inside that I won’t say and all of the ones outside that I already said….and honorable mention goes to all of the words that are hanging in the balance, the ones that I am reeling back in this morning, in and to myself…to never enter the boneyard of words that I just cannot ever take back.

My pain is mine. My dealings with said pain, shall be mine also. My words about this pain and about hopes and dreams and wants and needs and feelings…my expectations and all of my “me stuff”…I guess I am netting that all up and bringing it back in this morning too.

And so it is…with a heart full of rain this morning, I close my mouth and gently chew upon the words that I choose to hold inside. As I look around at all of the words that I didn’t hold, I am humbled and ashamed, disappointed and sad…free and in solitary confinement until the end, as atonement for my sins in letting them out in the first place. God forgive me for the words I let out into the world that didn’t belong there. God hold my tongue and my heart, moving forward, that I exercise vigilant decorum and boundaries before I open my mouth at all. On this day Lord, thank you for the Sherry lesson, even though I didn’t open my hands wide to receive it. My heart got it and I will pass it on as a “Sherry Lesson” this morning. With Aiden and Robin off in the distance, I struggle to find words…thank you Mom for stepping in this morning and taking over for me. Thank you for the lesson. I will spend today reeling the words back in that I am still able to. I will begin making piles for the rest of the words that got out, so that I can identify their remains and not violate them ever again, before I offer them proper burial that they may rest in eternal peace.

The grave diggers just showed up with their equipment and so I need to go. Lucky for me, the grave they are digging this morning is for my words, not for me. They haven’t come for me just yet. I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad that they aren’t here for me. Anyways, no matter. Hey guys! Thanks for the coffee. Let’s get this mess cleaned up and let’s sing them home, shall we?

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! Thanks for stopping by Mom! I love you too. Tough lesson this morning as I wipe the tears from my face. Thank you for stopping by. I’m going to go eat some words for breakfast…and I’m going to sit in a huge bowl of gratitude the entire fucking time. Thank you.

Rambling Wednesday morning reflections and a quick visit from Aiden…

Happy Wednesday everyone! I’m not going to lie…the last couple of days have hurt me a lot. I finally climbed back out of the depression that came for me. What a fucking battle….the battle to keep on keeping on…when my entire life feels to be slipping away from me. Trying to just grab a fucking handle; to anything, and holding tight for a bit, until the turbulence passes and I can try again to hold my own ground again. Being in this tsunami has tilted me a bit. Being in this constant fucking pain has changed me a lot. Changes like this are all the better for most of you, for I am gifted in my ability to do you better than I have ever done me. Changes like this for me are the very alterations in my life force that need some tuning up and love right now. Feeling like I’m in for a quick pit stop and some fresh new tires before I hit the track again. This time it’s for real and these laps count. Practice and running relays…it’s all come down to this. The Pace car and the engine roar…the silence and all of the noise…and I am hitting the track for the race of my life this time. The vibration of the engine draws my soul in and we are ready for the ride of our lives. I’ve driven race cars from the beginning of my driving career. Cornering on rails and dragging…high speeds and hugging the outside of my lane before I take over your lane. The rush and the tempo of it all. For a few years, I’ve switched to four wheel drive and off road gear. I can camp in my car. I can cover any terrain. The pace slows significantly and yet, even in the rock climbing mud gear of the FJ, I will always be a race car driver. My life lesson right now is to slow my roll a bit, and so the FJ is the vehicle of choice. The race car I drive is for endorsement purposes only and has no bearing on much, other than the skill set I call up when I need it. I rarely drive the race car anymore, unless it’s for the thrill of it. I guess life is kind of like that, isn’t it? I mean we all have our vehicles and we all use them for different terrain. Performance and precision on the race track and air in your tires and maps in hand for the trail…it’s all a matter of how you look at and prepare for the journey, isn’t it? Aiden has a thing about the FJ and the race car and when to take one and when to definitely not take the other. I think Aiden was talking about energy, not the cars, and how to use the things we have in our daily lives, like our cars, to maximize our energy. For court, Aiden took the race car. For life, right now, like our life seasons, Aiden says we have FJs and race cars… “Be sure to be in the right vehicle for the journey. Don’t ever take the FJ to the race track and leave the race car at home when we go camping or to Corals house.” I love Aidens outlook on life and I needed it this morning. Thank you Aiden for stopping by! I love you!

We all have the choice, don’t we? How we navigate our terrain and how we shift gears…how we brake and how we accelerate…how we use the transmission instead of the braking system to slow down….how we take up speed and how we lean into the curves. We have the wheel in our hands and the pedals under our feet, no matter which car we are driving and we are the inertia and the motion in our worlds. We are the control and force behind the machines…the minds and the intelligence of it all. We are the driver, the pit crew and the roaring audience…we are the blowouts and the shredded tires. We are the flames and the collisions and the turbulence and the adrenaline of the race track. We are the finish line and we are the winner, the loser and the observer of it all. The seasons of our life and the cars we navigate our terrain with are simply tools for the journey. For me right now, I am stepping out of both the race car and the FJ and taking to foot, in my bare feet, to summit my Mt. Everest! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! I love you Aiden! ❤️♥️💜

Meandering thoughts…all aboard!

Good morning everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Labor Day weekend. Our weekend was nice and we are blessed for sure. For me lately, the struggle is real. I’ve been missing my mom in the worst sort of way . For the last few days functionality eludes me a bit. The tears come in waves and wash over me like a tsunami. The emotions are high and the pain is intense, for the loss of the life I once had. I’ve no idea why this hits me this way. I just know that when it does, it leaves me reeling and praying for my own escape from this life that I fail so miserably to understand sometimes. Missing my mom is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to learn to do. There is no reprieve from the emptiness of the void that my mom left when she died. An abyss that sometimes sucks me in and has her way with me, before she spats me out. I scurry to scrape up my broken pieces again before I collapse in the pain of it all. Losing ones mom is no fucking joke. Losing ones mom is having your very soul exposed to the elements with no protective barrier. Life without the one who carried me in, proves difficult, painful and very out of my reach some days. Yesterday was such a day for me. The pain and the tears and the yearning and helpless, hopeless, worthless feeling of it all. I collapsed under the pressure and shattered over and over and over again from the inside. Thank you Tamara for keeping me safe and fed and for giving me space and for being close. Yesterday is the worst mom day I’ve had in a while. Thank you for holding me through the pain and emptiness of it all. I love you Tamara. Thank you for how you love me. Some day I won’t be such a fucking wreck. I promise.

Coming off a year and a half working with Aiden, I feel a little sad to have our time together coming to a close. I am elated that Aiden got what we all gathered to get for him. Aiden was reunited with his family first and then last Thursday, Aiden got justice! I will always go and visit Aiden! I will always be Aidens to some degree and Aiden will always hold sacred space in my very soul. I am glad that Aiden got what Aiden went to court for and I am honored to have been there with him when he got it. The still shot for channel four really does encompass and speak to the love and support for Aiden and his family throughout this ordeal, and I am blessed beyond measure to be a part of Aidens world! I ask for continuing love and prayers for Aiden and for his struggle with Tracheal collapse, as we build Aiden the perfect new throat. Your love and prayers are the reason that Aiden is celebrating with his family and I thank each and every one of you for loving and praying so, so much! Thank you Team Aiden!!! And if you would, say it with me…”I love you Aiden!!!!!”

As I rework my own schedule and charge myself with the energy needed to see my beautiful clients today, a tear rolls down my cheek to see Aidens name gone from its slot on my roster. The tear is for me, for my missing him and it is nothing compared to how happy I am that once my work completes itself, it lives on forever! I will be forever grateful for the work that I do and for the beings I have met doing my work. Aiden is always and forever going to stand out as one of my clients who has touched me the most deeply. I love you Aiden!!!!!Thank you for trusting me to work with and your family little buddy! I am honored to be on Team Aiden! All of my love this morning for Aiden and his family as they return to their lives before Aiden was stolen.

As for me, I am feeling myself retreating and going within a bit. So much stuff to work on inside of myself. So many unresolved hurts and feelings and emotions that I am purging out my eyes lately. I am deep cleaning this time and pulling out all of this fucking pain. No pain left behind this time. No stone left unturned. The purge before demolition is proving to be a tough one for sure and I am only holding on to those holding on to me also. If you aren’t holding on, I’m going to honor you and your journey and cut you loose before I go out again. The precision and momentum needed to propel us out of this cesspool of shit is going to be intense and we all need to intention some healing here. No child left behind…and yet, each of us must grow up enough to get on board and commit to the journey. Each of us must take a post and do our work…And…we all have the choice to stay or to go. Whatever your choice, we are boarding now and will be pulling out of port very soon. If you’re going to be on board, grab your life jacket and your coffee and head into the healing room. I will meet you in there once I see everyone else off. Everyone else, thank you for your service and best of luck to you in your future ventures. Thank you for being part of my world and for staying the course with me as long as you did. Doors are open and you are free to go!

I feel a little sad to say goodbye to some of you this morning. I’ve been doing all I can to keep you aboard and afloat. The thing is, you aren’t doing anything to keep you aboard and afloat and this ship just isn’t going to go down again like that. If you don’t care more about you and your life than I do, I finally accept that I cannot help you. I am also finally okay with that. My work cannot evolve when I continue to work for people who never fucking punch the time clock at all. My pinnacle cannot be exhaulted if I sit down here on my ass breast feeding you all day long. And so it is, I bid your farewell. With all of my love and prayers, I leave you behind this time when I pull out, to live the life you imagined. All of my love and best wishes to each of you! Bon voyage!!

What a wild world! Truly…what a trip this all is! Sitting in my body, missing my mom out of her body. Loving all of you so much and finally loving me more than so much. Preparing to leave port with a skeleton crew for my greatest voyage of all. My life can be summed up in three words…it’s a trip! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! All aboard!!!!