Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

“This Little Light of Mine….”

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday. I hope your week is beautiful so far! I feel very blessed and grateful for my week so far! Much healing and reflection and I am so thankful!

Looking out there at all of you, I feel your struggles and your amazing strength and resilience, I know I must keep forging ahead. I know I mustn’t give up or give in. We are rounding the corner to love and greatness my friends…we must hang tight and hold one to one another. We are way too close and we have come way too far to give up now, haven’t we?

We all need to know something really that is really hard to know. I am just learning this and I want to pass it on to all of you right away. All of these years and I’ve known and not known this all at the same time. Everything you dislike in me and all that I dislike in you…that is our mirror of all that we hate and dislike in ourselves. That is really all that is. My irritation with you is my mirror to my own inadequacies and my own unresolved frustrations. What I beat the shit out of you for…that is, in actuality, me battling me. We are not at war with one another. We have waged this war on ourselves. We are destroying ourselves my friends, with all the things we hate and cannot fix in ourselves. “Principals before personalities”…it’s is a daily reminder in AA…and it’s becoming a daily practice for me. All that we cannot stand in someone else…it’s simply our mirror in to our own depth. At a superficial level, we all seem to be pretty likable. It is the depths of us that have sickened and weakened us and made us ill. Our illness is our inability to see that we are really the only one in our own way. We vomit our depths out there pretty subconsciously a lot of the time, all over the people whom we love and cherish the most. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Forty five years of learning and I am coming to know things I have never considered, in the loving rooms of AA. I am humble and ashamed and embarrassed, all at the same time, at the things that I don’t know. Truly…basic stuff…I haven’t known it. Worse still is that I didn’t know that I didn’t know it. In the rooms, there is a book and this book has some basics in it that we have all missed out on. I am beginning to read this book with my fellows, in the rooms of AA. As I sip the best cup of coffee in the most important chair in my world right now, I really am humble at what I am coming to know. You know that I’m going to share, what I’m coming to know, with all of you, right? I mean, what kind of asshole would I be if I kept all of this glory to myself, right?

My reason for beginning this blog a couple of years ago was to get it all out, rather than keeping it all in. All of my thoughts and feelings and trauma and pain…I came here to deal with the sudden and lifelong illness of my mom and then her death. I came here because all of that, all of everything around that beautiful woman, caused me so much fucking pain. Truly, you’ve no idea the tides of the pain and the enormity of loss…the knowing and inability to not know…the waves and the crashing about of my container and my existence, in my journey after the death of my mom. Losing ones mom is no fucking joke. Truly…no matter who the fuck you are or who your mom is or is not to you…you will never know a pain like losing the woman who carried you in. You will hurt in ways unimaginable until you are graced with such loss…And you will come to know now what you will never not know, ever again, when her heart stops beating, that you are alone in ways you could not have fathomed. You will be transformed and transported and hurled into hells you never thought existed, at least not for you, as you reach for her and can no longer touch her. You will return to infancy and you will cry and wail and scream as your heart shatters. You will do these things….some of them and maybe all of them, and so many more things, when your mom leaves this world, that will make no fucking sense to you at all. Sense will leave you completely as you shatter into shards, when your mom dies. Whether you love her or you hate her, and whether you knew her or you didn’t…whether she held you or punted you and regardless of how you think you know you will feel…it all goes straight to hell in a hand basket, when your mom dies. Don’t take my word for it. Hell, I didn’t take your word for it, did I? We cannot take each other’s words for it my friends. We simply cannot do that, as we must journey for ourselves. Do not heed my warnings. Go out and find your own survival skills out there. AA is giving me survival skills…skills that I never knew existed at all, and I am so fucking grateful. I will pass them on to you, as you all pass them on to me. We are all here to do that you know? We are all here to walk each other home…to love each other without condition.

I dedicate this morning’s blog to my mom and my girl, Tamara, the two most beautiful and amazing women in my life, and for such different reasons. Strong women whom I learn so much from, every single day. In the rooms I am meeting some strong fucking women. I am a strong fucking woman. You are a strong fucking woman! Did you know that? And you men…you are some amazing and beautiful and strong fucking men! We are here and we are strong and we must not disempower ourselves any longer. We have what it takes, whatever the fuck that is, to be better than we were yesterday, so we not? We have a little light inside of us…I am here to light us up! “This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine…”

Have a beautiful day everyone! You are not alone! You are powerful beyond your own knowing and you have what it takes. I believe in you. I’m going to go get what it takes to believe in me just as much. I love you. I really do.

A love challenge for each of us today…and go!

Good morning! I hope you woke up in a good place this morning. I know that makes all of the difference some days…just waking up in a good place. I woke up in tears and I cannot tell you how much this happens. I struggled a lot missing my mom yesterday. I just wanted to go and meet her so we could talk. I miss talking to my mom. There was no where to go and nowhere to meet her and the pain of that was just so overwhelming for me yesterday. I guess I must dream about her sometimes and then I wake up without her and it’s just really hard.

Anyway, enough about me. How are you? I know some of you are sure going through it. I feel you and I love you. Some of you I have been praying so very hard for. I feel your pain and your struggle and I know how real it is for you. Your decisions and your addictions and your pain…I see you my friend and I feel you and I am you. Do not be dismayed my love. We are all just walking each other home. Just take my hand and let’s stick together, okay?

This morning I want to thank you all for being here. Over 20,000 hits and so many of you following…thank you! We are a hot fucking mess some days, and here we are together anyway. That feels nice, doesn’t it?

I began this blog in December of 2016 after my mom died in December of 2015. The pain…so enormous and overwhelming, the words and the feeling of it all being stuck inside of me…the grief and the trauma and the need to get it all out…that is what began Coralsblog.com For those of you looking for me, here I am! For those looking to avoid me, here I am. I figured that would make it easy to find me and just as easy not to. People have found me that didn’t want to, on here and contacted me for various reasons, and I’ve done my best with that. Mostly though, people come here looking for me. I want to be here so you can find me. I bring a raw and unedited version of me into this room and I spill my fucking guys, literally, in here. My pain often triggers your pain, so please be mindful of that, as it’s not for the weak or faint of heart. I offer private studio sessions if you want to go deeper. I opened studio for the first time again last week and the healing is astronomical in here. I will put up two sessions this week, as my time is still pretty limited with AA meetings, my amazing clients and the Sanctuary. I will offer two, two hour sessions this week, so please hit me up if you need some studio time. I know a few of you have asked and I want to be available, so here you go! You asked. I heard you and I have prepared a place for you. Give me a shout as soon as possible so I can get you scheduled. I will only open up two spots this week, as I only have that to offer of myself this week.

This blog, this healing room…I created this space to get it all out, rather than keeping it all in. I come here to write this shit out of me so that I can begin to heal. I write for me. I write about my life. I write to heal us all. The more difficult the topic, the more of you reach out personally to me. Keep reaching because that is why I am here and that is how we heal. Our pain…our trials and tribulations…we must share the burden with each other my brothers and sisters. We must begin to really give a fuck about each other. This room is for that…to give a fuck and to be given a fuck about. We all need a place to go where the door and the arms are open and I created this space for each of to have that. There is an actual healing room, where you can sit down with me and we can work together to heal and grow. This room came about and came to be as a result of this blog. This healing and this opportunity to live and love out loud is in this writing, in this blog and in your willingness to do your own work. Seeing me fall apart is helping all of us get our pieces gathered up and put back together. This is a safe place and this is a loving place. Some days this is a difficult place and even an empty place sometimes. The healing room is always open though and I am always loving the shit out of you, wherever and whoever you are.

Today, I want you to do something for me. Each and every one of you…this is a challenge for you for today. I want you to take the biggest challenge in your life right now. The biggest one you’ve got…bring that on up here to me. Scoop that heavy, unsightly and out of control little bastard up here and hand it over. Drag that fucker up here. Kicking and screaming and yelling….round that bitch up and hand her to me up here. We are going to unravel this beast together, you and I. We are going to tackle her together and get you headed back on your path. How does that sound? I know you’re getting your proverbial ass handed to you. Me too. It’s a bitch, isn’t it? All of that flailing and fighting and yelling and kicking and screaming…all of that emptiness and the enormity of your pain. I feel you. I cannot not feel you my friend. Your pain is raw and real and true. Your pain is as simple and as complex as my pain, and likely for the very same reason. You are screaming inside…fucking wailing inside to be heard and touched and loved…to be seen and known and important. You are so fucking done being all used up for someone else who doesn’t even fucking see you. You are scraping your ass along, just trying to get by, just until you can offer yourself more. You gave up everything, and you’re about to throw yourself in there too, with all of your possessions, into the pile of shit to give away. Don’t do it. Don’t do this to yourself. You do not belong in that pile of shit to give away, shit that is too big or too small or just too fucking ugly to look at anymore. You do not belong in the donate pile or in the huge pile for the dump, so grab my hand and climb on out of there. Come on…take my hand, and let’s get you out of here. You are fucking glorious and beautiful…let’s get you up and dusted off. Jesus’s, you are glorious! I have no idea where the fuck You were headed and I’m not sure you did either. No bother, let’s just get you out and cleaned up and go from there. Let’s get you some choices and some options. Let’s get you to see your beauty and to feel your own strength before you throw yourself away again, okay? How the fuck do I know this?!? Am I spying on you?! Jesus Coral…what the fuck?! Don’t get your panties in a bunch…I know because I see you and I watch you and I love you. Many of you… I see myself in you. I am you. I too, have discarded myself to be who someone else wanted or needed, all of my life. I too, took my own self out with the fucking trash after being thrown away one too many times. I too am crawling out of that trash can and looking around at the destruction all around me, wondering what in the fuck I have done…and what the fuck to do now.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. This disease and the destruction this disease causes are real. The fallout and the horrors…regrets and countless opportunities to begin again. Marriages annihilated and children abused…careers destroyed…children abused and raped…animals left to fend for themselves and babies without mommies…unpaid bills and repossessed automobiles…bankruptcy and financial ruin…I have seen so much in such a short little life. You have too, haven’t you? We can be each other’s happy instead of each other’s pain…did you know that? We can lift each other up, instead of dragging each other down into the depths of our own despair and shit, can’t we? We can listen to each other and we can care for one another. We can love each other, even if we are just learning how to do that for ourselves. We are so fucking powerful! We are so beautiful! We must take our power back. Someone unplugged our cord and I am here to plug us back in again! I am here to light us back up! I came here to love you and to walk you home. My name is Coral and I will be your guide today. Take my hand. I’ve got your heart. Let us find where you really belong and let’s get you there, okay?

Let’s get you to a meeting. Let’s get you that amazing and priceless cup of AA coffee, shall we? Let’s get you up out of that abuse and dust you off again. Let us get you out of that job that tempts your own sobriety and into a place where you can use YOUR gifts. Let’s get you out of that abusive space you call home and into a safe and quiet place to heal. Let’s get you out of that hospital and back into your own life. Let’s get you into a detox program so that you stand a chance in hell of actually making it through this. How about you take my hand and just sit with me a spell. Tell me your heart. Say nothing at all. Rest in my arms. Cry into my armpit. Do what you need to do…just do something to take you out of that fucking trash pile today. Take my hand and let your heart attach to my heart…close your eyes and take three breaths. Breathe with me. Deep inhale through your nose and slow exhale through your mouth…just relax and breathe with me. This is not your end. This is your new beginning. This is your opportunity to see you for the beautiful being that you are, instead of the person you’ve come to be in all of this trauma and stress and pain. Don’t fret. Don’t beat yourself up. Just take my hand and we will figure it out. You are not alone. As alone as you feel, you are not alone.

I fucking love you and I believe in you. I see you and feel you and know you. Your challenge today…do one thing to really love yourself, like a verb. Just one thing. One loving and kind and thoughtful thing…for yourself today. And if you feel like it, tell us in the comments what you did to love yourself, to give us all some ideas to love ourselves too. Sound like a plan? Okay, everyone …one loving thing…and go!

I love you. Have a beautiful day! Go out there and love yourself like a verb today my friends! This is the only way we will ever love anyone else…we must first learn to love ourselves. Let us get loving shall we?

I am so thankful for AA coffee…

Happy Monday morning. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I am blessed to have had some amazing client appointments, spectacular studio sessions and I hit a few meetings. My weekend was full and my heart is full. My struggle is real and my heart is full just the same, which I am grateful for.

For me lately, I feel tethered to nothing. I feel like I’m just flailing around out here, desperately trying to connect to something solid, something tangible…all things love and light and truth. My life has become unmanageable, which has enlightened me to the disturbing reality that my life has always been unmanageable. I have always been out there, flailing around and tethered to nothing or no one. Alcohol fueled all of that momentum nicely my whole life, and now I feel empty of my fuel. I feel like I don’t have what it takes, like I don’t know where to get what it takes, other than the loving rooms of AA. And so…that is where you will find me. I didn’t learn these principles at home. I didn’t learn these things in church or school. I didn’t learn many things at all and so I am learning now, how to be a good human being and how to not be selfish and self-serving. I am sad to know how selfish I have been, how selfish I often still am and how far I’ve left to go, as I feel pretty stupid standing here, not knowing. I feel pretty bad about some things I do know and some mistakes I did make. I feel really sad about where I came from and the sickness I was born into. I feel isolated and alone and confused as I begin to unravel what I couldn’t even fucking look at before. AA is not for the faint of heart and yet it’s the only thing left for me. My faint heart will simply have to man the fuck up, roll up her sleeves and get a fucking grip on reality. Sobriety is sobering. Sitting in the rooms and feeling brand new, listening to people’s stories and holding space for broken hearts, I know I am home and I know that I am where I belong.

In our church growing up, we hosted AA meetings. I remember that they had blue bibles and we had black ones. They were sick and we were not, so stay away. Don’t touch their cabinet and stay away from them if they are here. They are smokers and drinkers and stay away from them. I never knew what any of that rhetoric meant. I only know I see and feel people like that in the churches I now frequent for my meetings. No one wants what we have…they want to get the fuck away from us so they don’t get it. So…to cheer you up a bit…you cannot get what I have by sitting next to me. You cannot be stricken with my story simply because you hear it. AA is for people who are sick and some of them smoke and we do have blue bibles. We are closer to God than many of the people in the pulpits. We are more wise than the matriarch of most common families. We alcoholics are a sick fucking bunch, gathering together to tell our stories, in an effort to live well. We drink the most amazing coffee that you will ever taste in the rooms of AA…as my sponsor pointed out yesterday…AA coffee is some humble fucking coffee. Every AA cup of coffee is the best fucking cup of coffee I’ve ever had, as it is brewed in the rooms of AA, and it fits perfectly into my shaking and sweating hands. AA coffee tastes like humble…tastes like healing…tastes like the life we are living. I am so fucking thankful for AA coffee. I fucking love AA coffee. The days that I fuel myself on AA coffee are the best days because I am reminded that I am doing my best to get better. AA coffee…there is nothing like it and they always leave the coffee pot on and the light on for us…Always. None of my friends in addiction could offer me that…only one friend in my addiction offered me AA coffee and stale Oreos…and I accepted, simply because she needed me to go to a meeting with her.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I have not touched alcohol in almost six years. My mom got cancer and died quickly and unexpectedly and I did not drink. My Dad decided that I just wasn’t for him anymore and he left and I didn’t drink. My brother, who used to be just down the hall, feels so, so far away and I wish I could go have a drink with him, like old times, and catch up. I miss my little brother so, so much and in all of this depression, I can’t reach or reach back much. I see my family blown apart, and I don’t drink. I struggle in my marriage and I don’t drink. I hustle to make money and to not have to struggle making money and I don’t drink. Friends and family scattered like wildfires and I do not drink. Medical issues plagued me and I was prescribed enough drugs to kill off a small army and still, I did not drink. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. My place is in the rooms. My life has become unmanageable.

I thank God for my seat in A.A. and for the best fucking coffee in the world. I know that I belong here and that I am always welcome here, no matter which room I wander into. All are welcome here, as long as you’ve a desire to quit drinking, you can come and drink the best coffee ever with me. You can brew your own and you can but your own and you can bring your own…you will never have a better cup of coffee though, than the cup of coffee in those little white styrofoam cups in the rooms of an A.A. meeting. As you are shaking and sweating and crying and barely able to be here at all, your little cup of coffee will shift hands and sit next to you on the floor…maybe on the seat next to you…and you will be next and you will forget about your coffee at all, as you share. You will either have just had the longest three minutes of your life or the time flew by too quickly for your share…and you will reach down for that white styrofoam cup, to grab the security of that cold ass cup of coffee. You will see the coffee makers in the distance and the tear-stained faces all around you, and you will grip your big book like your life depends on it, for you are in the loving rooms of AA and you feel so, so alone. You will watch the clock and pray that time starts to crawl, for time is passing and soon, the doors will open and the coffee will be gone and everyone will scatter. In these final moments, as I scrape myself together, I just want to live in these rooms and drink this coffee until I can stand on my own again. And so, I will live in these rooms and drink this epic fucking AA coffee, gather and collect my phone lists and a new highlighter…I will live and love in these rooms until I can live on my own again. I will thank God for every single cup, for every single drop, of AA coffee. AA coffee is the stuff that allows the broken healing and the unwelcome to be welcome. AA coffee lets us all be the same for an hour at a time, as we prepare to share and heal our stories together. AA coffee is the only coffee for me right now, as I grab another cup and take my chair. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Happy Sunday everyone! I am thankful to be here. I am thankful you are here too. I don’t have much this morning. I have an early client and then hitting a meeting. Meetings and clients take my time and focus lately and I am so thankful. Being in the bars for so many years, it is odd how making time for meeting seemed a struggle at first, and still seems so at times. Making time for what is important isn’t about the time, is it? I mean, it’s about us doing what is important and making time to do it. My sobriety is important…more important than anything else. Without my sobriety, nothing else will matter. Without my sobriety, I’ve no relationship. Without my sobriety, I’ve nowhere to live or to be. So, for me, making time for as many meetings as I can squeeze in…that’s what I’m going to do. I will blow 90/90 out of a 60/90 meeting commitment from my sponsor before I will go down that road again. I will do what I must to stay as I am and get better before I don’t do what I must and fall off of this wagon. Life is for the living and I don’t live very productively when I drink. Hell, I am struggling now in this dry drunkenness! I struggle with this relentless fucking ego and I struggle with my own will and letting go and letting God. I fucking struggle, just like everyone sitting in these rooms. Unlike some, I’ve held on to my sobriety and just lost sight of working the program. I dry drink with my stinking thinking and my action and inaction on things. I become complacent and co-dependent and depressed and hopeless, and such has surfaced in my life enough, to get me working this program like my survival depends upon it. My survival and my sanity, my health and my relationships…my life is riding on me right now, to do what is right and true. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

We are a sick bunch indeed. Alcoholism is a relentless disease. Alcoholism combined with mental illness and depression…now that’s a fucking cocktail right there my friends. Our stories and what we were like…that’s what keeps us coming back, because some our stories are fucking nightmares. We have lived and survived hell that many will never know or imagine. Our families called us drunks and losers and pathetic…worthless wastes of air and space. We were discarded to our addictions and left to figure it out ourselves.

In my sobriety, I am learning the sickness and the alcoholism and mental illness that exists in my family. The terror and the control and the fear and the constant fucking rhetoric. The blame and the shame and the failure. Yes, my family has always been the first to tell me what is wrong with me…Coral you curse too much, you drink too much…you talk too loud, too much…you’re too quiet Coral…Hey man, fuck you guys! Truly…fuck you guys. Why in the fuck did you put a bottle in my hand before I could fucking speak, and then spend my entire life berating me for it being there?

We have to begin to really know that we are sick. Go grab a copy of the big book…and read “The Doctors Opinion”….truly, go to a meeting, check it out and grab a big book. But Coral you say, I’m not an alcoholic. I hear that…here is the thing though…I am an alcoholic and you are my friend, my wife, my boss, my neighbor…go get the book…join me for a meeting…get to know my disease. Why in the fuck would any sober person want a big book, you ask? Here is my answer… we don’t fucking know each other, except for maybe superficially. We don’t want to…or it gets too fucking deep, too close, too hard for us. We ought to know about A.A. We ought to be telling others about the rooms and that they can get what we have too! We must know that we love people who have the disease of alcoholism and we don’t know anything about their disease. In many cases, we don’t even know alcoholism is a disease. Alcoholism is a disease and we are some sick fucking people. You know what we are doing that many don’t do though? We are getting well and we are lifting each other up and we are loving the shit our of each other, like a mother fucking verb. Do you want what we have? Are you willing to go to any lengths to get it? A.A. works if you keep coming back, because you’re worth it. We must know that every single one of us is worth it.

This morning as I roll out of my bed and onto my knees, I thank God for my sobriety, for my amazing life and my beautiful wife and for all of the amazing people who love me. I thank God for the open and loving arms of A.A. and for always leaving the light and the coffee on for me. The light and coffee are on for you too, you know? I hope to see you in the rooms. That is where you will find me for a while, until I can stand on my own again. Going on six years without a drink, this girl is one-stepping her ass right back through that door…to stay sober, to stay safe, to be loved and welcomed home. I thank God for the rooms of A.A. and for getting me back into my chair there.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you.

For those who wonder where I’ve been…here you go…

Good evening everyone! I am sorry I’ve been elsewhere so distant as of late. My life became unmanageable and I lost my way a bit. My depression sucked me in and had her way with me. Any of you who know depression know of what I am speaking. Depression is a relentless and unforgiving bitch and she often has no fucking mercy what so ever. In my experience of depression, I cease to exist almost entirely. I have been gone from you…this is true. I have been gone also from myself…this is true as well. The struggle is real and I am grateful to be here with you now, as I have greatly and deeply missed you.

I have found myself repeatedly on my knees…begging for grace and mercy…for strength and acceptance. I have landed in the loving rooms and arms of A.A. and I am so thankful! I have a beautiful sponsor, a twelve month chair commitment for the big book study and a 60 meetings in 90 days commitment…all for the small price saving my own soul. Alcohol kills my fucking soul. Alcohol will take me out if I partake of her again. The rooms of A.A. have always opened their arms wide for me and this time, this time…I believe this warm welcome may have just saved my life, as I…my brothers and sisters have lost my way. I lost my way to Coral and I lost my way to finding her and alcohol did not come for me, and I did not come for her…we just hung there in the balance, she and I. We just hung there in the darkness, bargaining with our own mortality to mother fucking take us already…yes, alcohol and I are raging and unhealthy lovers. I bid her ado almost six years ago and she did go. Alcohol did not come for me this time. No, this time alcohol sent her sisters…she sent the stinking thinking…the fuck its and the I don’t give a fucks…the depression and the rage. Alcohol sent her worthlessness, her unforgivingness and her self-loathing and she laid it on me like a mother fucking locomotive. I was buried deep and I did not give but one fuck. Thank God that I gave one fuck…because just that one fuck got me this far. Just that one fuck gave me enough breath and hope and love and self worth to get back into these rooms. With all of my heart, and buried completely under by the fuck its, I was given but one fuck to give and I am so, so thankful. By the grace of God, there go I….

Depression is a thief in the night and she turns the light to the staleness and darkness and hopelessness of eminent spiritual death. Depression robs sleep and reason and logic from you and then spits in your face when you stop giving even one fuck at all to try to save yourself from her. Medicated, depression leaves me absent and comatose…and in my case almost dead. My chemistry does not mix with antidepressants at all. Suicidal ideation becomes suicide attempts so real in my mind that I feel dead inside…and confusion…confusing fog and unrelenting anxiety…depression is an unforgiving and relentless bitch. Depression came for me and I could not escape her grasp. I have been way down deep in the depths of depression. My blog went silent because my words fell into the abyss of my depression. There literally are no words for some of the pain that came for me. A thief in the night and a bitch on wheels…raped and beaten and berated… and pillaged by my diseases and mental disorders…I almost didn’t make it to write this blog today. Depression hurts and mental illness is real. Alcoholism is a disease.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I also have quadruple diagnosis for C-PTSD. I am an incest survivor. I suffer from severe misophonia and I have severe and constant anxiety. I suffer from depression. I have never been enough and have very often been too much. My desire to get well is often overruled by my disease and my mental illness. Today though…today, I am here with you and I am so thankful for that. Truly…thank you for being here with me this evening. I love you.

Depression is real and depression does hurt. I only hope that being open about where I have been will help you to know the depths I have fallen into, the pain I have been in and the hope that I lost somewhere along the way. Depression is a bitch in wheels and she cares not for resistance…she cares not of borrowed time…depression sucked and engulfed me into the abyss that knew no bounds…not until the light entered the crack where my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. The light entered and I begin my ascension. Depression will not have me today. Not today satan…not today.

I was blessed with a beautiful weekend in Golden, Colorado with my beautiful girl. We saw Trevor Hall and Nahko and Medicine for the People at Red Rocks on Sunday.

I’ve taken all of that medicine and all of God’s glorious creation and I have wrapped myself up in it, covered myself in its goodness and it’s glory and mercy. I have allowed the acoustics of the most amazing Amphitheatre in the world to heal me, to transform and transcend me…to grow me and heal me and lift me back up…I will not die in this abyss. I will not succumb to my disease. I will not let my mental disorders the incest tattoo on my forehead keep me from forging on. I will not give up. I will not give in. As I begin to rise, I take you with me. Take my hand my brothers and sisters…now is our time and these are our days. We are here and we belong here. I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me so much too. Have a beautiful evening!

Sending some love through the pain this morning…

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday. I am blessed to be here…sober, alive and going at it again this morning. Some days I overlook the significance in just getting this far and somehow, today I am keenly aware that I’ve only this moment, and therefore I must begin to live here, in the present…here in the now.

My life has a way of sneaking up behind me and revealing itself all at once, leaving me overwhelmed and confused sometimes. This morning my life can be summed up in three words, it’s a trip! My life is a fucking trip!

I see that the struggle is real for so many of us right now. I just saw that a friend of mine from long ago passed away yesterday. I had no idea that he was even sick and I feel a little empty in this knowing this morning. Rest in sweet peace Ed. We lose people through time and distance and death. We lose people by losing touch, don’t we? I pray for Ed’s family and I send all of my love. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

My dear friends lost their precious Ruby last night also and so I ask for love and prayers, that their hearts heal and be comforted at this time. Blessed be Ruby. All of my love to my friends who lost their friend.

The pain is just too much to look at this morning. Truly, humanity is taking a dive down the fucking shitter! We have lost our way and our love and our decency in this world and so today I pray for love for us all, for peace for our world and for love to conquer all else.

People are hurting people and taking from people and entitled as fuck. Gratitude is missing and expectation is high. Depression is rampant and life is hard. Love is fleeting and people are fucked up. Yep, it’s time for a meeting. My life has become unmanageable in all of this fucking pain.

I am learning how to love the way it feels good for me. I am defining my love and I hope you can feel my love. In all of this pain, be the love that gets us through. Be the love when the pain is dialed up way too high. Be the smile when the world is frowning. Be the change when the world stays stagnant. Be love. Our world needs us to be the love.

As the sun is coming up this morning, I thank God for another day to do my best, another day to give my all and to be better than I was yesterday. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I’m on a mission to make my life beautiful. I really do hope you will join me.

Have a beautiful day and love someone today. Love someone out loud and with all you’ve got today. I dare you!

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Good morning. I’m sorry I’m so distant. The struggle is real and I am just finding my way through it. My life is in the serenity prayer and daily meetings as of late. I am blessed to have a sponsor and a meeting to chair to keep me coming back. The rooms are the most welcoming and inviting place for me to be right now, as my life has become unmanageable. The rooms are where I belong if I wish to stay out of the abyss that has taken me before, in times like these. The rooms are my safe zone and that is where you will find me until I’m strong enough to make it on my own.

I am so thankful, grateful and blessed to have my sobriety. Dry drinking though, has led me back to the meetings and the rooms and my tribe. Five and a half years sober and I got a desire chip yesterday, to remind me how fragile we all are…how fragile I am right now. Drinking is not the only danger in losing ones sobriety and ones self. For me, drinking does begin the downward spiral that I have fallen into so, so many times before. I know with all of my heart that I would not come out of it alive again.

I am so blessed with an amazing partner and so thankful for the gift of the rooms and my tribe. So thankful to my sponsor for swooping me up and taking me under her wing at this time. I struggle and yet I know how truly blessed I am. Thank you to each of you who carries me through. Thank you for your love me. I love you too.

I cannot explain the place I am in right now, other than to say again that the struggle is real. To each of you struggling, I love you. To each of you loving me through my struggle, thank you. Have a blessed and beautiful day today.

If you would like to, please pray with me this morning:

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday everyone! I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned for yourselves. I am getting ready for clients and so my weekend is off to a good start so far. I am so blessed with such amazing clients and my work is not like work at all, which I am so thankful for. I am pausing while Tamara is down and so I’m sorry I’ve not been as available as I like to be. My schedule will open up soon. I am actually offering some Sanctuary studio sessions outdoors. I have been working really hard to create space for healing sessions out in nature. I call them “our secret gardens” and they are throughout the Sanctuary. These spaces are being created with healing energy portals and they are highly sacred and charged to heal. So…some very exciting news on the horizon on that front.

All of the animals are doing very well. They sure do miss their momma Tam while she is healing. Tamara is integrating back in and everyone is taking care of each other. We feel blessed beyond measure for the life we live up here on the mountain. We thank you for your love, support, and all of your reaches. We feel you and we thank you and we love you.

If you are interested in a healing studio session with me out in the mountains, please get in touch with me. I am putting together some great material for our healing, and I look forward to hearing from you. Spaces are limited as Tamara heals and please know I will always make time if you need me.

Lots of reflection lately and lots of things to look at and feel and work through in my life. I have been struggling for so, so long. I know many of us have been struggling for so, so long. I know my purpose for being here is to love us home and I’m just now learning how to love and that I fucking suck at it. How can you suck at your own life’s purpose? I know, right? Very discouraging for me to learn that I am an unlovable and loveless lover…simply because I don’t know how to love. This is true. I do not know how to love. The love I learned wasn’t so much love at all. I am teaching myself to love the way that love feels right to me. I am learning to love and I want to invite you to learn and teach love with me. That is why I am here and so I am looking forward to becoming a good lover as I learn to love me and you and everyone else just a little better than I did yesterday. Love is a word that has been used and misused…misguided and abused…hurtful and pointed…those things are not love. Love is an unconditional place…an accepting and warm and inviting place. As I create this in my life and my reality, I cannot wait to share it with all of you! We all deserve to learn how to love and be loved, and so if you are down for it, I invite you on this journey of love with me!

For today, I begin by praying for grace, mercy, peace and understanding in my life, and that above all, I may be those things and offer those things for others today. For today, that is enough. I love you. Have a beautiful Saturday!

A Tamara update and a thank you for your love….

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I have really struggled to get here lately. Tamara has been my priority and we have been getting through it. The first photo is April 23rd and the second photo was taken yesterday. Tamara had skin cancer removed and 65 stitches to the face. There is nothing like cancer to stop your life in its tracks and to re-route you. Cancer took my Mom in 2015. Hearing the word cancer again with my girls name in the same sentence, has definitely rocked our fucking world. We thank each of you for your love and prayers. We appreciate you understanding our absence. The struggle has been real for sure lately. I’ve not said much, as this is Tamara’s journey. Tamara opened up a bit yesterday, and so I open up a bit today. We really have turned inward for this one. We really have grabbed hold of one another and held on tight through this storm. So, we are so thankful for all of you…loving us and praying for us and being here for us. Thank you.

Every reach has meant so much to us. Every call and text and visit has loved us through the hard stuff. Tamara is Santuario, and so without her, The Sanctuary just isn’t the same. As we all hold space here, Tamara’s absence is noticed. As we all do our best here, Tamara’s special touch is missing. As I look at all Tamara does, I am overwhelmed and I can only do what I can do. Everyone is happy, safe and well and holding space for Momma Tam.

My Mom found out she had cancer in the beginning of October and died on December 3, 2015. I had a complete hysterectomy a year ago, as to avoid cancer myself. Tamara having cancer has definitely rocked my world. Of all of the things I’ve lost in my life, Tamara is the one who stayed. Of all of those gone, my girl is still here. There are no words for how thankful I am to have Tamara in my life, as my partner and best friend and my soul mate. Thank each of you for loving my beautiful girl so, so much!

And so, the struggle has been real. My head has been to the ground. Depression has me by the balls that I don’t even fucking have. We have definitely been going through it. We have definitely hit a bottom here that we didn’t even know we had in us. We are so grateful to be seeing some light in this tunnel. They got the cancer and my girl is healing and we are so, so blessed! So to each of you, for all of your love, thank you and all of our love right back at you!

Have a beautiful day today and please send Tamara all of your love. We are back on Friday to her dermatologist for a couple of more spots on her face, and we ask for your love and prayers again. We ask you to lift us up and we pray that these are spots are benign and that they do not have to cut my girl anymore.

All of our love and thanks to each of you, for how you love us. Have a beautiful day!

Sherry Lesson: You can always make taco salad!

Happy Monday everyone! I hope you had a beautiful day! I made red chili calabacitas tacos for dinner tonight. Taco Monday, as it were at our house! As I was preparing the shells, a Sherry Lesson came through. I wanted to share it with all of you.

I have always liked hard shell tacos. I just really dislike when the shell breaks while I’m biting into my taco. I especially dislike it when this happens on the first bite. Anyway, as a child, it was very disheartening for me. As the crack took my one piece taco, and rendered it a pile on my plate, my mom lovingly reminded me that I could always make taco salad, and eat it with my spoon.

Tonight, a life lesson, and a reminder from Sherry…when your taco shell breaks, make yourself an amazing taco salad!

In your life, in that beautiful little shell of yours, when you start cracking, always remember that you are only a broken taco…which allows you to be the most beautiful taco salad. Our cracks are where the light enters us, as Rumi reminds us. We are broken to take new form, and we are stronger when we rise from our ashes. When your taco shell breaks, make yourself a taco salad!

Have a beautiful evening everyone! I love you! Thank you for the lesson mom! I love you too!