Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Some self-reflection for us all!

Happy Friday morning everyone! I’m glad we are here together. Sometimes I feel so separate from the world around me. Being here with you is nice. Thank you for being here with me!

The struggle is real, isn’t it? We battle it out with our addictions and our medical ailments. We battle it out with our hearts and our minds, as they go to war over the basics. We battle each other. We battle ourselves. We battle anything and everything and anyone who lives differently than we do. We constantly battle the voices in our heads and the voices from our past…the voices that tell us we can’t. We battle the voices of others who tell us we can’t…the voices that say we aren’t enough and the voices that say we are too much. We know the struggle is real because we are the struggle. When we understand that we are the struggle, that we are our own tsunami, we have an opportunity to make better choices, don’t we?

Today, for me, is about making better choices with my own thoughts. Some things deserve the time and energy that my thoughts take and some things do not. Some things are worth the brain space and some things are not. My thoughts are mine and I need to do some major spring cleaning and purging of my thoughts. Thoughts that don’t serve me must go. Thoughts that direct harm at me and/or others must go. Thoughts of blame and harm, be gone. Thoughts of inadequacy and wanting to be wanted…bye bye! My thoughts have wrecked me, as I have been thinking all wrong. Like seriously, I have thought more about what could go wrong than about what is already going right. I have spent more time behind me than I have ever spent just being right here, right now. I have been so far ahead of myself that I will never catch up, if I don’t slow my roll and let myself just be right here, right now. My thoughts have damn near nailed my own casket closed, at least a million times. My sword has been pointed at myself…my words have been less than kind when I speak of myself. My thoughts about who I am were put there by people who never cared to know me at all. Those thoughts about who I am…they are jaded, inaccurate and not mine. I am just getting to know who I am and I am really digging this girl and her new vibe.

I am blessed to be amongst the most amazing people. I am loved by the most beautiful hearts. I am well provided for. I am in amazing health. I have entered my own heart space. I am here now. I am working diligently to remove thoughts that don’t serve me. I accept that those who left, needed to go. I am a work in progress and sometimes I have to fake it until I make it. That’s okay with me, because I will make it. I accept that you truly know what is best for you. I honor that in you and I wish you every happiness! My hands are too small to carry anything that isn’t mine. My heart is too big to be open 24/7 and without any protection. My life is too precious for me to take it from myself. Your life is precious too. You are precious to me. Our intention is more important than many things we deem more important. There are only two choices…love or fear…choose wisely. I have let go of everything and I only wish I had done so sooner. I am home. My life led me to the very best of everything and I am so grateful. I have the most loyal, loving, generous, kind and compassionate partner. I know love because I am love. Tamara loved me when I couldn’t fathom loving myself. Death is not the worst thing…there are many fates worse than death. Living has been harder than dying. Our darkness is our entryway into the light. Being sick has made me appreciate being well. Being thrown away has allowed me to be recycled to a greater purpose. That is true for you also. The trash can is my salvation, for it took me from those who did not know my value and my worth. I rise up. I love my life. I love myself.

My self-talk is mine to dialogue. My mirror is mine to really look at. My heart is mine to examine and grow and perfect. My smile is mine to find. My love is a love all its own and I want to share it with everyone. My healing is for all of us. That is why I am here…I am here to teach us love and I am here to walk us home. You are too, you know?

Have a beautiful day today! Sending so much love to the people who need it the most. If you’re sober, stay that way…just for today…one day at a time. If you’re healing, let yourself heal. If you’re hurting, know that it shall pass. If you’re happy, enjoy it, for that too shall pass. If you’re here, be grateful, for that reminds you that you have purpose! I love you!

Thankful

Good evening everyone! I hope you had a beautiful day! I had a beautiful day! Full of friends and clients and my girl! We are only as blessed as we allow ourselves to be. I am allowing myself to be blessed!

I don’t have a whole lot this evening. I am just really thankful for my life. The things that have threatened my life have failed and I am grateful. Now…to learn to live my life! That’s the challenge for me sometimes…how to step out of surviving and into thriving.

I want you to know that I love you. I really, really do. If you are in my life, thank you. If you left my life, thank you. It’s all as it should be and I accept that.

We go through hell to learn how to help others navigate their hell. Your war and mine are different and ever the same. Our battles…in the end, are only ever with ourselves.

I hope you have a beautiful evening and beautiful dreams. I love you and i hope you feel that. Goodnight.

Nahko Bear slumber party number 11 and counting…

Happy Monday everyone! Welcome home! I am so glad we are all here! Truly…just look at us! We fucking made it! We made it to today! How many of you thought you might not make it to today? I am so glad you never gave up! I am so happy to see your beautiful face! I love you so much!!! And for being HERE…thank you…for never giving up, thank you…for loving yourself enough to stick around and see what the fuck you are made of…I applaud you! We have fucking got this! Fuck depression! Fuck Cancer and Fuck Depression…just fuck you guys! Go somewhere else…like back to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. Be gone now…on your way…bye bye. I banish the way that these things affect, me from my life experience. And so it is!

Nahko Bear and I just had our eleventh slumber party in the studio last night. These days and these nights…this silence and this grace…this rest and reset space and time…napping with Nahko…putting everything she needs before my own…being still…and did I say silent…this time with Nahko has blessed me beyond my own comprehension, and I am so grateful. Nahko is recovering nicely and being a very good girl! We are blessed beyond measure to have the baby bears to watch over everyone here at the Sanctuary. We love you Nahko Bear and Mala Bear! Thank you for keeping us all safe!

I work with dogs and live with dogs every day if my life. This time with Nahko Bear has been different. Like two kindred souls in shared space…not canine and human…just souls…just us. I know being here with her is bringing me home to the other five dogs up the driveway. I know being apart from our family has brought our family closer together. Somehow, absence of the things we love the most, really has made my heart softer and fonder. Nahko Bear is gentle and strong and steadfast and loyal…obstinate and true to herself…guarded and wide open…serious and playful…sleepy and bouncy…and always love. There is always love radiating from Nahko Bear and so I have been bathed in love and I am so fucking blessed!

On a side note, because I love you…I want to tell you about our new soap for the Sanctuary! I just showered with our new “Karuna” soap that Earth & Anchor creates for the Sanctuary! This soap is the most amazing soap I have ever used. Truly, it is an androgynous soap and it balances masculine and feminine perfectly! This soap suits me and I thank David and Deidre for being love like a verb when they created this soap for the animals . I feel the love in this soap and being clean is a nice bonus too! The best part is that 50 % of the proceeds go to the animals. What a wonderful way to support the animals you love so much, right?! Anyway, you should get you some! I’m just sayin…sharing is caring and I want to share this soap with everyone! Off of my soapbox about our soap now 🙃

As I was saying about slumbering down here with Nahko Bear…I feel blessed. I choose to feel blessed, rather than to feel put out. I feel quiet and still and so I am quiet and I am still. I pray and I meditate and then I sit quietly and just be. I wouldn’t have allowed myself the time to do this had Nahko Bear not needed me to be down here with her. Things that we look at begin to change when we begin to change the way we look at things. Even in depression, I will ride these waves of inspiration and clarity into my own healing. And so it is. I pray for you, the same…that you may find your peace and your contentment in all things and that your heart may always be full. We are here to walk each other home and so on my good days, I’m going to blow us up as high as I can! I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day!

Oh, and we have soap! Not sure if I mentioned that or not…check us out on Facebook at Santuario de Karuna. We would love for you to be part of our compassionate community! Have a beautiful day!

And the baby bear sleeps!!!!!

Happy Sunday everyone! Nahko and I are happy to announce that we slept last night! And Nahko is eating as we speak! And we just had our morning pee! These are the things that life is made of…these little celebrations that I often find myself too busy to celebrate. I am so blessed to be here with Nahko in the studio…so, so blessed. I feel that there are many lessons for us and even more blessings for us in this recovery and healing time together. Nahko is a gentle and wonderful teacher and I am blessed to have her.

The flip side of being in here with Nahko Bear is not being there with Tamara. I miss Prajna and Taos and Aliah and Rocky and Karma Kitty and Mala Bear too! Nahko and I see Karuna and Ahimsa a lot more though, which is wonderful! Tamara and I are good at flexing and we are getting better at it every moment!

Yesterday a volunteer canceled at the last hour. I got the text as I was hurrying home from a client and Tamara was in the studio with Nahko Bear, waiting for me and the volunteer to get there. I lost my composure for a moment, I won’t lie. ‘Twas Tamara who brought me down and reminded me of something I think we could all benefit from hearing. And so, I share it with you now.

When people volunteer here at the Sanctuary, it is a privilege to do so. To be here, in this space, with these amazing beings, in Sanctuary, is a privilege. There is nothing that will not get done if no one volunteers, that must be done. Everyone will be taken care of and have food and water and shelter. And Tamara is not wrong. Thank you for reminding me of this baby. Volunteer work is personal growth work and a privilege to have the opportunity to be a part of! Being of service is the blessing. Do what you love and love what you do. We are thankful, grateful and blessed up in here!

Right now it will be getting done with one arm behind our back, so to speak. Yesterday, over 600 pounds of feed was moved, multiple Sanctuary posts went up and in honor of National Pig Day, Sidney had beautiful reflections posted on our Facebook page, 42 beings were fed twice and watered. Pellets were hauled up the driveway and the pellet stove cleaned and lit. Dishes were done and dishes were done again. Laundry in progress and all in her PJs…4.9 miles and a lot of those miles uphill…and all I could do was sit in here listening to Nahko cry and watching my girl give it all she had. Tamara was ready to drop and she did not drop. Nahko needed me and everyone else needed Tamara. Tamara has never once not had everyone here, including me. And then the Jeep left the driveway to go feed our neighbors donkeys. The Jeep rolled back in and a short while later, Tamara walks through the studio door with dinner for me. One more time down the driveway so that I could potty and get ready for bed, give everyone a quick kiss and tuck them in for the night, my girl, exhausted in her PJs, kissed me goodnight. So if you ever think that one person does not matter or make a difference, I am here to tell you that you are mistaken. You do matter. You do make a difference. Don’t deny yourself of your health and happiness by not showing up and participating in your life. Volunteers volunteer for themselves, for their souls evolution and progress.

Nahko Bear needs one of us all of the time for a while, and so it is. We are so blessed to be able to love her how she needs to be loved. Asleep by my side, Nahko is so glad we are able to love her like that too.

Never give away your happy. Truly, just don’t fucking do it. I’m preaching to the fucking choir here and I’m the first to know that. Depression grabs me by ovaries that I don’t even fucking have anymore and twists them and wrenches them and crushes them under her feet. There is no mercy in depression. There is no fucking reprieve from the abyss that consumes me when PTSD and depression battle it out. I’m a fucking puppet and nothing except for helping someone else saves me. I was in such and abyss, in such a deep, deep abyss standing at VCA Thursday night picking up Nahko Bear. Nahko suddenly needed me a lot more than depression could hold me. Coral grabbed her PTSD and called Sam up to help her care for Nahko perfectly, as Sam is perfect. I was saved from myself and my own demons as I came to the aid of another. I was back here and now because Nahko Bear was hurt and she needed all of me. Thank you Nahko Bear for needing me so much that I had to come out of the abyss to help you. Nahko Bear has done far more for me than I could ever possibly do for her. Thank you Nahko Bear. Thank you Tamara for being as you are, for loving as you do. I love you baby! You are amazing!

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! Get out of yourself and be of service today. It may save your life. God knows it has saved mine many, many times. I love you!

A Sherry lesson on “Some gave all” this morning.

Happy Sunday everyone! This morning we are blessed with a “Sherry Lesson” that came to me driving home yesterday. I had an amazing day yesterday with beautiful friends and on my way home, as I prayed, my Mom came through so clearly that I had to share with each of you, this life lesson from my beautiful mom! Welcome to the healing room! I hope you have your coffee and Kleenex in hand, as Sherry nailed it this morning!

For me, as you know, the struggle has been real. As of recent, my father and I are estranged except for snail mail correspondence. The man I love more than any other, and myself have turned our situation over to God, as we simply cannot handle it on our own. We cannot speak civilly to one another right now. Angry and betrayed and hurt enough…I almost hit my own father. I have no clearer sign that I must walk away to save us both right now. We cannot share our lives and so we have gone our separate ways, only bound by the love in our hearts for one another. I pray that love is enough. I pray that no matter who or what or where I go…no matter what does or does not happen, with all of my heart, I pray that my Daddy always knows my love for him; for nothing will ever change my love for you my father. Nothing can ever take from me the love I have in my heart for you, not even you. I love you. I miss you. I turn it over to God, and I ask for prayers and blessings for our broken little family. This is the first time in my life, ever, that I have strayed from my father. This is the first time ever that I have had courage enough to stand up for what is right and then to stand down and be done fighting what I cannot understand or control. And so I set it down. I let go and I let God.

As many of you know, my Mom was a force to be reckoned with. A powerhouse of a woman in a tiny little package…a southern twang in her voice that wasn’t actually southern at all, always made her presence known. Accompanied by the clickety click of her 👠 high heels, Yes, Sherry was a force all her own. So yesterday while driving home, when she clicked her way in, I prepared a place. This is the most valuable Sherry Lesson you will ever get, so go fill up that coffee cup and let’s get ready!

My parents have been such a huge part of my lives, all of my lives. My best friends and my confidants, to an unhealthy point, rendering me extremely co-dependent and financially dependent upon throughout my life. I won’t go into detail as it matters not, I only say anything because Sherry wants us all to learn from this. I could always make that call and get myself bailed out. I could always get some help if the fruits of my labor didn’t cut it. I always had my mom and dad. I do not have my mom and dad anymore and I am thankful, for it is teaching me to rely on me, to trust and to know me. The silver spoon being yanked out of my mouth busted a few teeth and left me breathless and hurting beyond my own comprehension, and I am thankful for I now now my own strength.

With that being said, all that I own in this entire world, outright, is Little Red, my 1996 Toyota T-100 truck. When my ex-wife left me in 2008 and took, literally everything I own, I ended up having to voluntarily repossess my brand new and beautiful black FJ Cruiser back to the credit union. I drove her to the credit union and I told them I was so sorry and I handed them the keys. I was without transport and I was broken. My little brother saw me and he gifted me the truck he bought to haul his motorcycles on, so that I would have a car to drive. Shawn signed the title over and said I owed him nothing. I have driven little red for the past eleven years. Little Red is a piece of my own heart, a gift from my baby brother, so that I didn’t lose everything else too. Thank you Shawn for seeing me and for loving me like a verb. I love you baby brother.

Before my mom died, on her death bed actually, she said she wanted me to have a brand new Jeep! A bit much I thought and I said so. After my mom died, my dad and I were looking at vehicles for me and we ended up finding the exact same one, the beautiful 2007 FJ Cruiser that I am driving now. We went and drove her and then we went right to the credit union, looking homeless as hell, both of us, and got her financed. That story is one of my fondest memories and Sherry was so happy the day I drove her home! My FJ is still financed and I own just under $6000 on her. I had Little Red sold on Friday for $3000. I was elated, as that put me halfway to paying her off. Thursday night I got a text from the guy I held Little Red for, for three weeks, that he could no longer buy her. Long story short, Little Red and my FJ are both here and neither one of them, nor Tamara’s Jeep are enough for what Santuario de Karuna needs. We have 42 animals here, several of them weighing in over 1500 pounds. Little Red, not Big Red, cannot handle the loads that we must haul to give everyone what they need. We need more and I was praying in this yesterday, when Sherry came through loud and clear.

Sherry simply said that “some gave all. All gave some and some gave all” she repeated to me. I was puzzled at first, I won’t lie. My dilemma, the one warping my fucking mind…the one I’m twisting and trying so desperately to make fit…she says simply, “it is what it is.” What in the literal fuck? I’m praying here! If you’ve no contribution, could you come back later? I need to figure out how to sell Little Red and pay of this FJ…..and she says, “You do not need to sell your truck Coral Dawn. You know what you need to do with Little Red.” Only I didn’t know and she didn’t tell me before she left again. What in the fuck?

As I drove closer to home, I remembered laying next to her on her death bed. I could not have known it then, that I would never hear the click of those heels 👠 or that twang in her voice again. I would never have her to help me to sort it out or pay it off again. I lost both of my lifelines and my own life that day, on that bed with her, before she left here for good. We had to make her funeral arrangements on that bed. We had to decide how to let her go because she was going and nothing stopped that. In lieu of flowers, my mom chose Santuario de Karuna, for all donations. My mom loved flowers as much as anyone I ever knew and she gave up her final bouquets on this earth for the animals here at Santuario de Karuna, so we could keep our promise to make the rest of their lives the best of their lives. On my moms deathbed, she saw me. My mom saw Tamara and I and our dream and on her way out, she did all she could to make this dream come true! Sherry gave it all. Every single last bit of it, to Santuario de Karuna, as she left this world. All she had left to offer is right here in this space that we all call home.

Today, in true Sherry fashion, I give all I’ve got to Santuario de Karuna too. Literally, the only thing I actually own, Little Red, I gift to our Sanctuary and to the animals here, to get them what they need. “Some gave all Coral Dawn. All gave some and some gave all. Follow your heart and do what you know to be right with your soul.”

Anyone who knows me at all knows that if all are giving some and only some are giving all, I am going to figure out how to be one of the ones who gives it all! So today, on behalf of my little brother Shawn and myself, I gift my precious Little Red to the fundraiser, so that we can purchase a truck big enough to care for everyone here. Whatever we make from the sale of Little Red will go directly into the fundraiser that our dear brother Chris put up for us. And so it is. Sherry reminds us that it is what it is. It will only ever, always be what it is. I don’t know what your “Some” is, or your “all”. I only came to tell you that by giving all I’ve got to give, I am beginning to find myself. I highly recommend giving all you’ve got! Thank you mom for the lesson, turned immediately blessing on my drive home to our beautiful Santuario yesterday…”Some gave all Coral Dawn. All gave some and some gave all…”

Happy Sunday everyone! Only you know what to do with the messages the angels send. Sherry reminds each of you, just the same as she reminded me…”Some gave all. All gave some and some gave all. For your own growth, for your own journey, be the one who gives it all!”

We each have the privilege and the opportunity to be of service. We have the ability to be in our community. We have the power to build up our community. We have an animal sanctuary right in our own backyard, literally! And we are all welcome here, Always, We are home here, aren’t we? We are in Sanctuary here. Why not be a part of the community? A true and literal part of something that you believe in? Volunteer. Donate. Share. Commit to $10 a month and be a sponsor. Check out our Facebook page and meet these amazing beings. Come out here and meet them. Help us feed them! For you…do this for you. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I do this!

If you would like to become a monthly donor, a one time donor , a volunteer or a visitor to our Sanctuary, we would love to hear from you! Right now, if you have the means, we would love for you to donate to the fundraiser that our brother Chris has set up right now, to get a new truck that will provide for all of the beautiful beings here. Check us out on Facebook and please donate and follow us! We would love to have you be a part of our compassionate community! All are welcome here!

Santuario de Karuna is on Facebook! I will do a separate post with the fundraiser link after I post this morning’s blog. Please help out if you can!

I love you! Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! Thank you for being in the healing room with Sherry and I this morning!

This morning I write for my dear friend Taffy, who’s needs all of our love…

Good morning everyone! Please welcome my good buddy Taffy to the healing room this morning! Taffy is 14 years old and as you can see, he struggles with some physical ailments. Taffy just turned 14 on Thursday, February 14th. Taffy’s body struggles and yet his spirit soars! Taffy needs assistance for the body that carries his huge spirit and his enormous soul around. Taffy is love and today, I am asking you to send every last bit of love you have to our boy Taffy, his sister Lily and his Mom Nicole and his Father, Rod. This morning, they need us to lift them up and to hold them close. The struggle is real for Taffy and the struggle is just as real for his mom and dad who are carrying him through this storm. Lily, well, her highest self is all about Taffy’s highest good. Her “in body self” though…she is used to Taffy giving her hell, and he isn’t, because he can’t and so please send her all of your good juju this morning to love her bobo through this difficult journey.

We all have that special someone and Victor, well he sure was someone special. Just ask Rod or Nicole about Victor! Victor was the first angel that came down when I called for Taffy’s tribe to surround him. Victor pushes Taffy’s little ass right back across the rainbow bridge that he was trying to cross too soon, back to us, for a bit longer. Victor inhabits Taffy’s little body now much of the time, to help him keep wheeling himself along. Last night, just like I held little Aiden for twelve days, in recliners and felonious hands…in abandoned cars and sickness…I held Taffy. Taffy will not leave my arms, and I ask you to give all the love you mustered up for Aiden and his family for Taffy and his family now. As Taffy and I journey, as Morgan and Marne and I still journey, I ask each of you to lift us up. With all you’ve got this morning, please lift us all up in your love and healing light that we may love Taffy and his family to the brim and overflowing!

I have never really been able to explain my work. I realize as I write this morning that is because it needs no explanation. My work is my work and when it is done, it is forgotten. I once birthed a baby rhinoceros in the Serengeti. I still swim with Morgan and her calf Marne in Tenerife. I am always right next to Aiden and I go to see him every chance I get.

Aiden asks for your love for his buddy Taffy this morning. I never laid hands or eyes on Aiden until Aiden finally came home. My eyes, in my work, they are not what gives me the vision I need to do my work. My heart and my divinity…my love and my desire to spread God’s love and healing…my knowing and my acceptance that I am here to love us all home…that is one tool I use daily…and she has never once failed me. As I walk out of fear and into love, I thank Aiden and Taffy and Teddy and Alice and Penn…Gypsy and Hannah…Michael and Jackson and Sid…Rio and countless other clients who have walked me home. My interaction with these clients has inspired a shift for me in my work. This shift is to return to the Serengeti, where I did not give one fuck what people would think if I relayed my experience, of birthing a baby rhinoceros so that she could live, while her mommy died birthing her. I brought her in and I carried her mom out. When the time came, I picked up my own mother in my loving arms and I carried her home. That is who I am and that is how I do it. Actually, to be honest, I don’t do it. God uses me as a vessel to do what he cannot do without hands. I am merely an instrument used by the master himself, and I am so thankful, grateful and blessed. Thank you God, for choosing me to love your beautiful babies. Love is a verb and I am learning how to love as I am loved.

Taffy might have a day left. Taffy might have a week or a month or years left. We have no way of knowing, until we know. Taffy told me yesterday, as I gazed into his mother’s beautiful, sparkling and “Sherry blue” eyes, filled with tears, that until his soul leaves his eyes, he is all in. My mom opened her beautiful, sparkling blue eyes one last time, before the last time she opened her eyes…and the last time, her eyes were gray…for her soul had left the building. Taffy reminds us all that our eyes are the window to our soul. When that light goes out, the soul soars free and we bust out of the bodies that contained us and can no longer carry us. I saw my mom yesterday, in Nicole’s eyes and I saw little Aiden in Taffy. I see you in me and me in you. As we walk each other home, sometimes we all need a little lift. Today, with all of my heart, I ask you to lift Taffy and his family up and that you love them with all you’ve got!

I hope you all have a beautiful Saturday and I ask you to please say with me, “We love you Taffy! We have got you in our loving arms! Let’s keep rolling big guy!”

A brief update on my medical situation and a pause…

Good morning everyone. Thank you for all of the love yesterday. Here is a brief update on my medical situation for those interested. I had my pelvic injections yesterday morning and I spoke with my OBGYN about how they seem to not be working very well for me. I have done every treatment with less than 24 hours of relief following the injections. We have done injections and dual pudenal blocks, to no avail. Typically, women get about three weeks of relief. Again this morning, the relief has worn off for me, and so we find a different strategy. We are looking at spinal injections next and so ask for your love as we find what works for me. I am in deep tissue massage and acupuncture therapy twice a week for the clenching, which sciatica is largely responsible for, at this point. All in all, I feel very good and very positive about my healing. I am so thankful for my doctor and for everyone on her team and for our ability to overcome the adversity in the beginning, to have arrived in the beautiful space we are in now. I am so grateful for all of my therapists and for each person who has referred me and who has laid hands and hearts on me to get me well. Thank you for every prayer and for all of the love you have surrounded me in. I feel you and I love you and I thank you. We will just keep keeping on until we find what works. And so it is.

I have been pretty quiet as of late. My world got rocked all over the fucking place and I had to just set it all down. I will not go into detail because it really matters not. I will just say that I was recently hit harder than I have ever been hit by someone whom I never thought would harm me. I knew not what to do or say and all I have been able to feel is my heart breaking over and over and over again. The lies and the deception…the loss and the delusions of grandeur…fools gold and deception of epic proportions landed at my feet and I dropped to the ground in agony and disbelief. I have been down there, on my knees, in agony. I have seen what I came to see and I have done all that I can do. And so without further hesitation, I raise from my knees to my feet and I dust myself off and I begin the journey that I came here for in the first place. I begin the journey of Coral…and I could not be more excited, as I get to decide where we are going and to whom we allow inside of our sacred space. Many of you have shared sacred space with me and I thank you. Many of you have left sacred space with me and I thank you. I return from whence I came, to my true nature. As I shed what no longer serves me, I don a new cloak and I open my heart once more, to those who come in love and light and peace. To all others, the door is closed and you may continue walking past me. I shower you with love and light and blessings as you pass and I thank you for not darkening my door. My door, always open to everyone, is temporarily closed in mourning, and in acknowledgment of a time gone from me. My door is closed so that I may rest and rejuvenate and heal. For I cannot begin to save anyone from anything until I first learn to save myself. I cannot love you as I want to love you, until I dive within and love me the most first. And I will never be able to love or want enough for you, what you do not want for you. You also, must love you the most first. I take my hands off of all things that my hands do not belong on. I take my heart back. I take a pause for me, to do what I must do, before I rise from these ashes, for once and for all. I have come to let you know that I have come to let you go; if you are not here to love me. Love is a verb. Love feels like something is happening, not like the ricochet of empty and void places and hollow words. Love fills us up and does not deplete us. I turn inward to find this love so that I may turn outward and share it with all of you. And so it is.

As my boundaries become visible and I begin to honor them, I welcome myself home. I welcome us all home, for we have stayed too long in someone else’s story, haven’t we? We each have our own story to write and to tell and to live and to dream. We each have our own wants and our own desires and our own dreams. We truly do know what is best for ourselves, don’t we? I will always do my best to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves…the animals and the children at our mercy…I will always speak for them. I invite you to do the same. We must not be silent about the things that really matter. We must not wait for someone else to do something. We are someone and we must speak and act on the behalf of those who cannot. When our voices fall on deaf ears and our hearts shatter for someone else’s breaking for the last time, we will be headed home. Take my hand and hold my heart one last time for now , and let us all take some time behind our own doors. Let us heal our own hearts and lick our own wounds, that we may stop projecting onto each other our dysfunction and our unconsciousness. Let us set it all down and sort it all out so that we can leave what no longer serves us, to lighten our loads and to open our heartstrings the new day dawning before us.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

You are writing your own story. Make it a good one!

Good morning beautiful people! Happy Friday and what a day to make a different choice, wouldn’t you agree?

I went to bed with my body blessed by angels once again and I am so, so thankful! I went to bed next to the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world…my truest and dearest friend and my best confidant…my soulmate and my lover…the co-founder of a dream that we are building together…my anchor and my rock…and I am blessed beyond measure! I had a day full of the most beautiful and grateful clients, who pay me well and love me well and I am open and ready for some more clients like that please! I had a beautiful morning working with my colleagues, for the healing of one of our very own, and I am blessed beyond measure to be amongst such prestigious colleagues, who know and trust my work, to have me place my hands and my energy upon their best friends. I will always value and invite time like this, to give back to those who refer and share me with you, so that I can help you too and pay my bills. To everyone who loves me like a verb…thank you, and I am an open invitation for some more love like that please! My little brother and my sister checked in on me, as we have been most recently doing for one another and I will definitely have some more of that please! I had weekly tea with my very best friend, Sigrid, and I will always welcome more time and love and space and honesty and friendship, like a verb, like that, in my life! Coral and Sigrid tea time is nourishment and fuel for my soul on this journey and I am blessed! To all of these endeavors, I drove in the FJ Cruiser that I love and cherish so much, as Jesus takes the wheel, and my musical medicine blasts through the speakers, of the piece of my mom and dad that I have left, and I am thankful! I feel my beautiful and radiant cousin, Regina, in and around all of the good and positive and wonderful memories of my past and with me always on this journey and I love you so much cousin! Always, in all ways, I have room for love like Regina…thank you and more…yes please! I arrived home safe and sound at our Sanctuary in the woods, surrounded by all of my best friends…for they love me from wherever they are, to wherever I am, always and without fail or prejudice, and I am home! My health is good and getting better every day, in every way. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And I am so thankful for my life and for those who share this journey with me. Every day begins and ends in gratitude. Every day I am better than I was yesterday. And so it is.

This is the version of how my day ended and began that I am choosing to share and to focus on. These are the parts of my day that I am pulling out to give thanks for. These moments are my focus henceforth. These are the people I choose to rejoice in and to be grateful for, as are they for me, life’s breath. Everyone and everything else, that does not serve my highest good, I release! I stand in love and for, love in all things. I believe in love and I believe in each of us. I believe, with all of my heart in the good things coming! Thank you, my brother, Nahko, for your love.

Love is an action word and I challenge each of to truly grasp this and to know this and to live this! Love in action will open up your life!! Love in words…well, we all know what that empty and often loveless love feels like, don’t we? Where there is void, to be love in action and you will fill the void. Love in action is not always easy, as it is an action, not an empty mouth full of empty promises and lies. Action, being in action and of service…very different from choosing the “right” words, wouldn’t you agree?

We all make a choice every time we open, or do not open our mouths. I am choosing to keep my mouth closed in situations where I have nothing kind to say. In this silence, I pray for peace for those whom I choose not to open my mouth to anymore. I choose to whom I speak and to whose calls I heed. I choose whose words I shall open myself up to. I give myself permission to leave when I am done. I give myself permission to choose the clients whom I can help and to charge accordingly for my time and my services. I ask the universe to bless us all that we be synced together for our highest goods. I pray that we all feel the value of the relationship we walk into together. I pray that we each be served and valued for our life’s work and our contributions accordingly. And so it is.

Have a beautiful Friday everyone! You are writing your own story today. What will you write? Let’s write a with all of our hearts, shall we?

Today, I rise from the ashes. And so it is.

Midnight stroked and I awoke shortly thereafter. I arose and actually forgot that I was too lay it all down as the clock struck the twelve o’clock hour. Nothing felt different. Nothing really felt the same. Nothing felt at all. I returned from restless slumber, into slumber. When I woke this morning, the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat were subtle. The raging pain in my heart was but a murmur under my girls beautiful smile. The pain that has engulfed and debilitated me since Saturday, still present and now underlying, to our dreams coming true. The pain that rages through my body is at full throttle and it’s okay. This pain is on its way out and I am thankful. It raged to get in and it’s going to rage going out and I am at peace with my pain at last, and I am so, so thankful. The sickness in my stomach and the nausea have lifted with my prayers and I sit content in knowing that all is as it should be. In constant prayer and meditation since Saturday…the silence collided, breaking the speed of sound. Pointed and shrill words strung together in hurt and anger and blame, launched from my lips like missiles have landed, as I truly have nothing left to say. The inability to understand at all that left me catatonic between sobs for days has left me silent in prayer now and I am blessed. The flames that engulfed me and chased after me and hunted me down left behind their charred red and raging embers and I screamed to walk those coals. As I rise from the ashes, I shake the remaining heat from me and I return the dust to the floor. I bow to my knees in gratitude, for I have risen Lord! And so it is. Thank you.

I know the healing room has been dark lately. Thank you for being here anyway. This morning I bring a candle to reignite us all. I ask you to stand with me in silence, in solidarity, in mourning…in prayer…in love and light…as we pass our light amongst us. We must get her burning bright to take her out into the world, to light us all. No one will be left out who comes to the light. And so it shall be, for it is written.

My name is Coral and this morning I come to you anew. I stand before you naked and transparent, without secrets, without shadows chasing me. I’ve nothing left to hide. There may things I’ve left unspoken…things I forget or deem insignificant…Any question what so ever, directed at me will be answered with the truth.

My brother Rumi came to me this morning, as he does every morning. Rumi’s message this morning is this “I surge on the uprising wave of love”. I too surge on the uprising wave of love! You too, surge on the uprising wave of love! Let us be not afraid…fear not…and let us be here now.

Know that nothing is promised ever. Truly, know this. Do not be discouraged by it and know it with all of your heart…you came in to this world alone and you will go out of this world alone and the rest is just fucking details. Make your Dash count. Make sure it’s your fucking Dash…you know the space on your headstone between your birthdate and your death date…make your Dash YOUR Dash. And as for me…no headstone please, no body in the ground…no sad service…light me up and set me free and spread me at my home, our Sanctuary, the place where I learned to love and to be loved without pain. Spread me with my beautiful lover and with all of my best friends. Be sad if you must for a moment or two, until you remember that I am but a word away, merely gone from your sight. From this moment until that time comes, I will begin to live MY Dash. We know not what we know not until we come to know it. For all I’ve come to know, I am so thankful. My choices will be different now and I am empowered. My inner circle will be as big as the love that supports it and we will branch out and bring everyone in. Does everyone have your candle lit? Beautiful! Look at all of that light! And just look at all of the beautiful faces behind the light…we are beautiful! Do you know that? We really are beautiful. We are mighty. We are bold. We are love. And we have come to bring you home. My challenge and my prayer today is that you take your light and share it today. Share your light a lot today. As Martin Luther King reminds us, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that.” And so it is. Let’s go light it up!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. I really do love you. Thank you for being here with me.

I will rise from these ashes.

I lingered and then lingered some more, as I knew that when I left, I would not pass this way again. All of the memories and horrors…all of the expectation and disappointment and disgust…all of this fucking pain. I stood in all of that pain. As the pain kept raining down, I stopped seeking refuge and shelter. I just stopped. I decided instead, to let the rain and the tears wash me away. Wash me all away. I have never really done much more than existed, and that was a chore at times. Standing here though…being here and repeatedly trying to leave here…all while trying to find a way to stay here. Something broke in me. I let it break. Literally being shredded and mocked and taunted with tones and rigid jaw lines and then being rendered lifeless by the contempt. There’s no fight for this. There are no words for this. There is no reprieve from this. This has never been okay. I have never been safe. I have been thrown away and I grieve as though I am the one who left. I would never have left. I know I am not the leaver… I am the left behind…a pattern I’ve learned and repeated so, so many times before. I won’t act like this is okay. I forgive. I cannot forget. I love. We are the best thing that ever came of all of this. We stand alone. I stayed and I held space. This pain though…I have never known pain like this before. Foreign and so familiar is the pain that finally hit me hard enough for me to go down. We closed out a couple of lifetimes standing there. There was no budge and I cannot bend anymore without fracturing myself beyond repair. I regress. This morning though…first thing when I opened my eyes… the tears continue to fall. No dam can hold the flood of tears on their way down. No force can stop the flood and there is no comfort to be found. I haven’t spoken much of this, as I don’t even begin to know how to find the words. These words, somehow jumbled and coded, edited into “I” statements. These words are so void of all of the pain inside. These words are the best that I can stammer out, in an effort to relieve the tension that holding them has caused.

This is about me. This is about me and how I feel about what has been done. I have the power to make decisions best for me. I am not powerless. Making someone else wrong will never make any of us right. Lies are an attempt to hide a truths that don’t align with us. I have been invisible and I have been hurt repeatedly and on purpose. Over and over, and over again, I’ve not been seen at all. And I…I am barely breathing and moments away from ceasing to exist anymore at all. I am dying and I have been blatantly denied life support. I am drowning and the flood gates have been opened anyway. I am broken as the cord that held my world snaps and crashes down on top of me. I am struggling in the rubble and I extend my hand. I see the shadow pass before me and the hands shoved in the pockets of the dark image passing by. I am but a lowly beggar and my basket is nearly empty. My heart nearly broken. My face tear stained and aged and lined. I stand alone and so I am going now too. Another thing and the worst of things is that I would fix this if I could. I cannot. I cannot fix this. I did not break this. Unaccountability and anger and greed and rage and entitlement and contempt that can no longer be disguised or hidden behind other words seeps out and drains my soul. The mask has fallen off and the truth, scribbled across the shadows of a face I used to know. I can. I won’t. The rhetoric in my head, that I repeat on accident…unsettling. A broken little girl in a woman’s body. Sam and Coral and Coral and Sam, tumbling about, being tossed and turned out…A golden boy falling from grace that never befell him. And she in her casket. We have fallen apart. We have fallen from grace. We have lost more than we ever could have imagined. And my soul shrieks in the most agonizing pain of this lifetime. The bloodstains and the tears…the flashbacks and the right nows…the horrors and the lifelessness…the lovelessness…and I must go on.

For each painful thing that befalls me, and oh how it has befallen me, that I cannot turn seem to turn positive and to the light, I offer three positives and I give thanks. And I am on my way to that, in the midst of all of this.

In the loss of all I’ve truly ever known, I have gained the opportunity to be myself. And I give thanks.

I have done enough here and so I must go, as I’ve much good work to do our there. It rips my heart into bits to be begrudged the little bit of happy I have found and to feel the venom seeping out. Our house was full of strangers and friends…friends who who aren’t even friends back…and we watched from the outside of the glass. We had our little faces pressed against the glass, peering through the window at the Christmas of someone else in a home that we used to call our own. And we cry…God do we fucking cry. And I must go on. Without the knowing of how, I will go on.

Brand new, I return to the rooms of AA. Beginning again, from my lowest point in four and a half decades, I crack the cover of my big book for the first time. I begin again. I die this death to be born anew. I die this death to begin my life as me, for I will not dwell here any longer.

For the gifts and the lessons and for the endless and abundant blessings, I am so thankful. I truly am. I know how blessed I am. I write to heal myself. I write to get all of this out. I write to try to sort myself, my life…this. I intend to harm no one. And, I will not be silent. I have carried the sins of many. I have endured the beatings of nations. Today, on this day, I decide. Tomorrow and the next day and all of the days after that, I decide. From now on and for always, I decide. My decisions will be in my own best interest and in my own highest good…in the highest good of everyone, for we are all the same.

I am in the throes of something that I must go deep within to resolve and sort out. I have pulled myself out of circulation today and will not be available, as I repair my heart and lick my wounds. As I prepare my inner warrior for spiritual battle, I must prepare a place and I must ready myself for the letting go that is taking place, to prepare for all of the good things coming. These embers are still hot and cooling down, and as I patiently wait for them to become ashes, I prepare myself to rise up. I will rise from these ashes. And so it is.

As always, I send all that does not serve us, back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I love you. Have a beautiful Sunday!