Good morning everyone! Happy Friday! Thank you for sticking with me. I know I’ve been gone from this, our healing room. My pain has not been able to be contained in my own home and so I have been down the driveway in my studio, as to not impact Tamara and Rocky and Aliah and Baby Taos and Prajna and and Nahko Bear and Mala Bear and Karma Kitty with all of this pain. I’ve not wanted to bring the depth of my mourning and despair into this place. I have had no words. I have been in such pain and devastation and despair that I could not write much at all. To be honest, I’ve done nothing much more than cry and meditate and pray. I have been working in and on the studio. I have been catatonic and in shock…until the shock wears off a bit and then I just wail in agony. My eyes are barely able to open at all from all of this crying and my face hurts. In the kitchen last night, I grasped my chest and almost went to my knees in agonizing pain, as I literally, physically felt my heart breaking. I write to heal myself and to get it all out. I created this space to do just that. I’ve not been able to come to my own healing room and I’m not okay with that. I’ve not been able to speak my truth and to articulate my experience. I have been paralyzed in the very worst pain of my entire life and I’ve known not what to do. Yesterday, I cleared my day to honor this day as a day of mourning in the studio. Uninterrupted and sacred. Last night before I went to lie down, I decided that last night, I should have a death of my own. I decided to see my wake for what it truly is…the trail that is left behind. I have spent the last several days with Wayne Dyer and he reminds us that the wake, the path that is left behind us, will never be able to guide and propel us forward. The boat cannot be powered and guided by the trail that it leaves behind. This morning at my own wake, I lie to rest the trail that is left behind me…my past and my own history. I will be driving my own boat henceforth. Thank you Wayne for walking me through this. As soon as my wake is over this morning, I dedicate and honor this day as that of my own resurrection, rather than a day of mourning. I have given the last 390 days and most excruciating of all, the past 14 days to mourning the loss of someone, as I knew and understood and believed them to be. I cannot speak more about this right now. I have given 1120 days to mourning and grieving the loss of my beautiful mother, may God rest her soul.
Today, I honor me and my resurrection from the death that has been my life, from the pain that has been my existence and from the bondage of what others think of me. With all due respect and nothing more, I honor each person who has touched my life. I forgive myself for my transgressions and I forgive you for yours. I set my sword down. I turn from the back of my boat and the wake that I saw as my guidance and my direction and I turn to face the sun…I look ahead into the distance and I see nothing but good things coming. And so it is.
To each and every single one of you…thank you, from the deepest place in my heart for how you love me and pray for me and feel me. I love you so, so much. To Tamara and Baby Taos and Rocky, Aliah, Karma Kitty, Prajna, Nahko Bear and Mala Bear, Sigrid and each of you who have held loving space for me, thank you. I love you with all of my heart.
When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change, as Wayne reminds me, and I remind you. Let us see the path in front of us and be guided by our souls purpose, that we may free ourselves from the bondage of our pasts.
I love you and I thank you for staying with me, even when I couldn’t be with me. Have a beautiful Friday. I love you.