Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

If you can’t help them, please don’t hurt them

Good morning. Happy Monday everyone. I hope you had a nice weekend. I had a nice weekend. I have a nice life. I am blessed beyond measure. My struggle is not because my life is bad. My struggle is because there are such mother fucking atrocities and such fucked up and sick and twisted and un-evolved, unconsciousness surrounding me. My struggle is real because hurt people hurt people. My struggle is real because I would rather be a mother fucking liar than to accept some of the truth I have come to know. My struggle is real because so many people are not real. My struggle is real because the shame that covers me isn’t even mine, and yet, I must do the work to remove it. There have been many breaking points in my life. This one though…point break…this one fucking matters. This is going to determine the outcome of this game. This determines if we level up, lose another life or finally hit “GAME OVER” status all together. And let me just say this, I don’t do GAME OVER until it’s fucking over. It’s not over and I’ve plenty of extra lives saved up. I have spent my life mastering the skills that I will need to blow this fucking game sky high. Unfortunate for those who thought I crawled under a rock and fucking died, it will be to realize that the game is over. This game is fucking over. With the lives that I have saved up, the skills that I have mastered and the inertia built up inside of me, I will blow this game into non-existence. Life is not a game. Life is not to be manipulated and twisted and toyed with. Life is to be lived. My life is mine to live, as your life is yours to live. You’ve plenty to do over there, without concerning yourself with what I am or am not doing over here. What I am doing over here, is the best I can fucking do right now. What I am doing over here is rebuilding myself again. What I’m doing over here is wishing I was a fucking liar, while I find a way to swallow this truth. So, if you can’t help me out over here, please do me a favor and stay over there, okay?

Truly, I am not in a good place. I am not a ray of fucking sunshine today. I am not feeling the love. I’m feeling beat the fuck down and anxious and agitated and pissed the fuck off. I am at my limit and so I turn inward and wish you all a beautiful day. And if you can’t help them, do us all a favor and at least don’t hurt them, okay? Please…can each of us just commit to that? If you can’t help them…don’t hurt them either. Please.

We will float…

Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I am not going to lie…the struggle is real this morning. I held the tears below the lump in my throat all day yesterday. This morning I felt the dam breaking and I tried to hurry down the driveway before I collapsed in heart wrenching exhaustion. I was wailing. The tears were squirting out of my eyes…no longer falling down my cheeks. The dam fucking broke and I could not contain the pain. The dam broke and I could not, if my life had depended upon it, have stopped the flood of tears. I could not catch my breath and I had to medicate for a bit before I could even meditate. I felt it coming on like a fucking tsunami…I was about to fucking crack. I lit the fire and paced around a bit. Tears still shooting out and my hands shaking. I knew I would not let this take me down. I knew that I could pause and breathe and make a different choice. I will make a different choice. I prayed for the wisdom this morning in my meditation with Rumi to guide me. My prayer was answered. I know what I must do. My heart broke again. My shooting tears, gently fell down my cheeks. I sobbed. My hands could not contain the tears. I sobbed some more and let them go, dripping onto my shirt. These tears shall wash away that which no longer serves my highest good…that which no longer serves your highest good. These tears…my tears, for us all. I cry them after over forty years of holding them in. I have been crying non-stop since October of 2015. I have been crying inside since I was conceived of. I wash it away…all of it away, for all of us. This flood is our salvation. This flood shall wash us clean. We must not sit here any longer and drown. We must swim. We must swim until we float. We will float. In absolute tranquility and without any struggle, pain or fear…we will float. And so it is.

I am thankful beyond words for my medication. My PTSD cannot unfuck itself once I go spinning off of my axis like that. I am thankful that this morning, I had some warning before it hit. I am thankful I was able to get the spinning to stop before I couldn’t. I am so fucking thankful to Tamara for holding me up this morning, so that I would not hit the ground. Tamara is my rock. I am so thankful for you my girl, for loving and accepting me, as sick as I am and right where I am at. Thank you.

I get discouraged some days. I feel like I have terminal illnesses that no matter what I do, cannot be cured. I am an alcoholic. I will always be an alcoholic. I have C-PTSD and I will always have C-PTSD. Some days I really do get discouraged by that. Oh, and I got the call to schedule my pelvic injections and pudenal blocks for January. The clenching and the fucking pain…oh the fucking pain. Even in a fucking snow drift up past my knees, I can still feel this fucking pain. And fuck! Just fuck! How do we address that? With more pain. Good pain…and excruciating pain, none the less. Oh, and I find myself in this mother fucking trash bag by the curb again. Some days all of that really fucks with me pretty good. Some days it hurts me so badly that I cannot even open my eyes before the tears start. Today was one of those days. Up by 4:00am and trying to pull myself together by 8:00am to leave for work. And the struggle is fucking real, isn’t it?

So what do we do? Today, I will do my best to rise above it. Today I will be of service. So if you need me, please let me know. I will see how I can help. I will go to work because I know my gift is needed and my work is good. I will stand in my convictions and I will not go where I’m not loved like a verb. I will stand up for myself and my brothers and my sisters. I will write. I will love. I will have heavy doses of musical medicine. Nahko and SOJA are in my immediate future, to remedy this pain. I will love. I will love. I will love. And so it is.

I love you. Have a beautiful day!

The struggle is real…

Good afternoon. I am really struggling to come with it at all today. I just do not feel well. The sweating and the chills, accompanied by all of this pain, take away the repreive of sleep…and you’ve got yourself a hot fucking mess named Coral.

With that being said, we all know that I’m going to come with it unless I’m dead, at which point, I’ve no doubt that I will still come with it. I am not dead. I often feel like I am fucking dying lately though. My MRI is tomorrow, not the one we ordered or discussed…the one that insurance will cover. I don’t know where I’m the fuck I have been. It has not been at the doctor, and I am beginning to understand why that is, as being at the doctor for a routine procedure has turned into a fucking nightmare! Truly…I am ready to wake up from this! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck and Fuck!

I am going to have to stop wondering how this happened and start figuring out how to fix it. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated, as I am tapped the fuck out. All I know definitively is that something is very wrong. I don’t know what it is or why it is it how it is so wrong, only that it is, so fucking wrong. Something inside is not the way it was…not as it ought to be…not right…and causing excruciating and nearly constant chronic pain. I need someone who can help me to figure out what is wrong and how to make it right. I hold out for every single fucking appointment, as though it will be my answer. Every appointment only presents more questions.

I fucking surrender. I thought I had already done that and I guess I have not. I surrender. I need help to figure out how to get me better. Please love me through this.

I am asking for all of your love and prayers that the imaging that my insurance approved will be adequate to show what is wrong in my abdomen and my pelvic region. My insurance only approved pelvic imaging, even though most all of the post op pain is in my naval region. So, I am beside myself and just really need your love. Thank you. Truly, I love and appreciate you for how you love me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The struggle is real…

Good morning everyone and happy Sunday!

Thank you for all of your love and prayers. As surgery draws closer, Sam is much more present than Coral. Sam has done amazing and I am so proud of her! The struggle is real. An adult survivor of childhood abuse, trying to love their inner child through rough and rocky terrain, without her Mommy. I will say again, the struggle is real.

I know that my story brings up your stories. I know that my abuse may have reminded you of your own. The pain that my story touches in you may well be a pain in a story all your own. With that being said, I love you. I really, really do. I will remind us all that we are just walking each other home. Be kind. Be gentle. Be mindful. We all have stories that no one else knows anything about. We all have pain that has gone unloved, not healed and ready to come out. I see you and I know that you are struggling too. I know your struggle, the struggle, is real for you too.

I know that people who hurt me, every single one of them, are hurt people. People do not just go around inflicting that kind of terror and abuse on others, without a story of their own. We all have stories of our own. Every single one of us have been angry…really fucking angry, and taken it too far somehow…in ugly words and actions, haven’t we? I know I have. Although it doesn’t excuse abuse, doesn’t it explain abuse to know that hurt people, hurt people? Truly, stop for a moment and think about your own abuser…who hurt them?  Did you ever wonder about that or care about that or think about that before? What happened to the people who hurt animals and children? What becomes of those children? What becomes of their family? We must begin to realize the connection and to heal the hurt, or the hurt is going to get worse. We must love more than we hate or we are going to do far more damage to ourselves and our world than our abusers have done already.

How many of you who have been abused have inflicted abuse? In some form or another, be it someone else or yourself…hurt people, hurt people. We must heal the hurt and love the people who hurt us…or we will not heal. We must love the unlovable and forgive the unforgivable if we are to heal.  We must be the change that we wish to see and the example to everyone else, to be that change also. I nominate myself to go first today for this challenge. Today’s challenge is to forgive your abusers.

I imagine a few of you will stop reading here and I get that. I encourage you to keep reading though, because this is where the healing starts.

I woke up this morning heavy. Racked in physical pain and drowning in fear and misery. My remembrances and my memories have been painful to revisit, to put it mildly. I realized that I have done my work here. I have spoken my truth, as much as I can get out. I have spoken my truth in love and light. I have been wrapping little packages like it’s Christmas, to put them in my uterus before my surgery on Tuesday, so that everything can be cut loose and set free during my spay procedure. I have been in constant prayer and meditation and I have and will continue to ask for your love and prayers. On this day, I really did wake up and say to myself, that I do not want to feel this way anymore. I do not want to carry this pain and this hurt in my heart anymore. I do not want this inside me anymore. I surrender, in this moment and I forgive each and every person who has knowingly or unknowingly caused me harm or pain. I ask for forgiveness from anyone I have ever knowingly or unknowingly caused pain to.

Dear Debra,

You must know somewhere deep inside of your heart, how very much I loved you and looked up to you. You must have felt at one time, something for me also, something pure and untainted. I am not a liar. I wish that I were. I really wish that there were some way for it to be possible that I could have fabricated all of this. I did not make it up, and I know that you know I didn’t make it up too. I think you must be feeling attacked because the abuse inflicted by so many others, all got put on you. I can see that more clearly since I began writing and people began calling…I was not the only victim and you were not the only perpetrator. I named you because you abused me. In naming you and being contacted by others, I realized that you did not act alone. You are not solely responsible for all of the terror reigned down on top of me, are you? Unfortunately the truth in that is more sinister than most people can fathom.

I feel you. I have always felt you. I love you. I have always loved you. I forgive you because up until this moment, as hard as I have tried, I could not, completely forgive you, for how you hurt me. I forgive you now and pray for you to find your own peace and forgiveness.

Hurt people, hurt people, and I’ve no doubt what so ever that you too, were hurt. We come from sickness, generations of sickness and alcoholism. We come from pain and we have carried it right on down the line, all of us, in our own way. The enablers, worse in many ways, than the abusers, who saw injustice and did nothing.

Children and animals have been harmed. Lives have come undone. Death has come for your sister and taken her from us without healing, without closure and without any fucking mercy. We have taken so much and we have lost so much. We have been a hurt bunch of people, out there hurting people for a really long time, haven’t we?

We have kept secrets and screamed deep inside ourselves until our lungs,  bloody and raw from the screaming,  all at the same time, as we have tried to be heard, to no avail. You know my story because you lived it too, didn’t you? You call me a liar because someone called you a liar too.

On this day, Debra, I want you to know and everyone else to know, that I am finally able to forgive you for the harm you brought to me. I forgive you for hurting me and I release the venom attached to your name, around my story. I know you probably don’t care either way, and that is okay…I forgive you just the same. I love you, just the same. I release all of this, which no longer serves me, just the same.

love,

Coral

Today, I set down, with all of my intention, things that do not serve my highest good. I release the pain that has stifled my heart and imprisioned my soul. I forgive my abusers, each and every one of them. I forgive myself. The struggle is real and today I do my part to lighten the load and to heal us all.

I know you all have someone or someone’s who have caused you harm. You carry pain that is not yours, don’t you? You don’t know how to let it go. I know because I didn’t know how either, until I knew, and now I know. I want to encourage you to let it go too. For the healing and for the love of us all, my challenge to you today, is to forgive your abusers, and to free your own soul. Go ahead…I dare you!

Happy Sunday everyone and thank you for being here with me. I love you!