Good morning everyone and happy Sunday!
Thank you for all of your love and prayers. As surgery draws closer, Sam is much more present than Coral. Sam has done amazing and I am so proud of her! The struggle is real. An adult survivor of childhood abuse, trying to love their inner child through rough and rocky terrain, without her Mommy. I will say again, the struggle is real.
I know that my story brings up your stories. I know that my abuse may have reminded you of your own. The pain that my story touches in you may well be a pain in a story all your own. With that being said, I love you. I really, really do. I will remind us all that we are just walking each other home. Be kind. Be gentle. Be mindful. We all have stories that no one else knows anything about. We all have pain that has gone unloved, not healed and ready to come out. I see you and I know that you are struggling too. I know your struggle, the struggle, is real for you too.
I know that people who hurt me, every single one of them, are hurt people. People do not just go around inflicting that kind of terror and abuse on others, without a story of their own. We all have stories of our own. Every single one of us have been angry…really fucking angry, and taken it too far somehow…in ugly words and actions, haven’t we? I know I have. Although it doesn’t excuse abuse, doesn’t it explain abuse to know that hurt people, hurt people? Truly, stop for a moment and think about your own abuser…who hurt them? Did you ever wonder about that or care about that or think about that before? What happened to the people who hurt animals and children? What becomes of those children? What becomes of their family? We must begin to realize the connection and to heal the hurt, or the hurt is going to get worse. We must love more than we hate or we are going to do far more damage to ourselves and our world than our abusers have done already.
How many of you who have been abused have inflicted abuse? In some form or another, be it someone else or yourself…hurt people, hurt people. We must heal the hurt and love the people who hurt us…or we will not heal. We must love the unlovable and forgive the unforgivable if we are to heal. We must be the change that we wish to see and the example to everyone else, to be that change also. I nominate myself to go first today for this challenge. Today’s challenge is to forgive your abusers.
I imagine a few of you will stop reading here and I get that. I encourage you to keep reading though, because this is where the healing starts.
I woke up this morning heavy. Racked in physical pain and drowning in fear and misery. My remembrances and my memories have been painful to revisit, to put it mildly. I realized that I have done my work here. I have spoken my truth, as much as I can get out. I have spoken my truth in love and light. I have been wrapping little packages like it’s Christmas, to put them in my uterus before my surgery on Tuesday, so that everything can be cut loose and set free during my spay procedure. I have been in constant prayer and meditation and I have and will continue to ask for your love and prayers. On this day, I really did wake up and say to myself, that I do not want to feel this way anymore. I do not want to carry this pain and this hurt in my heart anymore. I do not want this inside me anymore. I surrender, in this moment and I forgive each and every person who has knowingly or unknowingly caused me harm or pain. I ask for forgiveness from anyone I have ever knowingly or unknowingly caused pain to.
You must know somewhere deep inside of your heart, how very much I loved you and looked up to you. You must have felt at one time, something for me also, something pure and untainted. I am not a liar. I wish that I were. I really wish that there were some way for it to be possible that I could have fabricated all of this. I did not make it up, and I know that you know I didn’t make it up too. I think you must be feeling attacked because the abuse inflicted by so many others, all got put on you. I can see that more clearly since I began writing and people began calling…I was not the only victim and you were not the only perpetrator. I named you because you abused me. In naming you and being contacted by others, I realized that you did not act alone. You are not solely responsible for all of the terror reigned down on top of me, are you? Unfortunately the truth in that is more sinister than most people can fathom.
I feel you. I have always felt you. I love you. I have always loved you. I forgive you because up until this moment, as hard as I have tried, I could not, completely forgive you, for how you hurt me. I forgive you now and pray for you to find your own peace and forgiveness.
Hurt people, hurt people, and I’ve no doubt what so ever that you too, were hurt. We come from sickness, generations of sickness and alcoholism. We come from pain and we have carried it right on down the line, all of us, in our own way. The enablers, worse in many ways, than the abusers, who saw injustice and did nothing.
Children and animals have been harmed. Lives have come undone. Death has come for your sister and taken her from us without healing, without closure and without any fucking mercy. We have taken so much and we have lost so much. We have been a hurt bunch of people, out there hurting people for a really long time, haven’t we?
We have kept secrets and screamed deep inside ourselves until our lungs, bloody and raw from the screaming, all at the same time, as we have tried to be heard, to no avail. You know my story because you lived it too, didn’t you? You call me a liar because someone called you a liar too.
On this day, Debra, I want you to know and everyone else to know, that I am finally able to forgive you for the harm you brought to me. I forgive you for hurting me and I release the venom attached to your name, around my story. I know you probably don’t care either way, and that is okay…I forgive you just the same. I love you, just the same. I release all of this, which no longer serves me, just the same.
Today, I set down, with all of my intention, things that do not serve my highest good. I release the pain that has stifled my heart and imprisioned my soul. I forgive my abusers, each and every one of them. I forgive myself. The struggle is real and today I do my part to lighten the load and to heal us all.
I know you all have someone or someone’s who have caused you harm. You carry pain that is not yours, don’t you? You don’t know how to let it go. I know because I didn’t know how either, until I knew, and now I know. I want to encourage you to let it go too. For the healing and for the love of us all, my challenge to you today, is to forgive your abusers, and to free your own soul. Go ahead…I dare you!
Happy Sunday everyone and thank you for being here with me. I love you!