Happy Sunday everyone! I find myself in both tribal and sacred spiritual space. I have taken a vow of silence until 09/21/2019. During this time, I will be going deep within myself to do some evaluating and assessing and healing. I will also be fasting during this time. I only mention this at all because my dealings in the world will be minimal during this time. My outings will be silent and my meals will be bread and water. Should I encounter you during this time, I will not speak to you. Please be patient as I learn to use and interpret your body language better.
All of my life, I have been talking and cannot stop. Literally. My family once paid me .25 an hour to just shut the fuck up. I made only a couple of dollars and it was excruciating for me. I think it was excruciating because I knew that no one wanted to hear me. I just didn’t know how to stop talking. That happens to me still and it is problematic sometimes. In my relationship with Tamara, I literally talk and cannot stop fucking talking. I’m learning that this has been my coping mechanism through all of the trauma and pain of the past. I filled my empty space and my void with words. My silence inside echoed me completely out and somehow, my words kept me company in my silence and abandonment. Somehow, no matter how dead I was inside and how much nobody wanted me to talk, my words gave me breath and kept me alive, if only to myself. It’s like a Tourette’s of my broken soul, spewing out of my mouth like a fountain of ignorance sometimes and I just can’t stop talking. And that brings me to the vow of silence. I stand in silent solidarity for us all this week to exercise pause and contemplation and decorum. My silence speaks for us all, as we close our mouths and minds and open our ears and hearts. The silence and the space in between the words is where I shall find my new rhythm, my inner peace and my strength to go on.
My silence would earn me $42 if I were being paid by my family this week to shut the fuck up. Seven days at .25 per hour. I needed the money and I tried with all of my might to stay quiet through their sneers and taunts that I wouldn’t last…that I just simply could not stop talking. That $1.50 or whatever I earned was the most excruciating wage I ever earned, ever. I knew what I needed to do, what everyone had been asking me to do my whole life, to just shut the fuck up. I simply could not and I haven’t been able to since then. I guess I thought that I simply hadn’t said the right thing yet. Surely, if I talked non-stop, I would find words that my family wanted to hear. I never did. I still have not. This clarity is painful for me…jagged and deep…and honest and fair and true and necessary.
Many of you have encountered this side of me…this awkward and bumbling idiot of nervousness, who simply cannot shut the fuck up. And so…there it is…Why Coral has not stopped talking…ever. I guess I was horrified that if I stopped talking, I would cease to exist at all. I don’t know exactly when or how or why it all began. I simply know that it’s time for me to stop talking, for me. I will take $42 from my wallet and honor the pain of my silence and a family willing to pay for it, who only ever wanted me to watch my mouth and what and how I say it…and truth be told, to shut the fuck up. I get it. I hear me sometimes. I get it. So, for the next week, as I go within, my gift to each of you, enjoy the silence. (Thank you Depeche Mode).
For those I have inflicted myself upon and to those harmed by my constant rhetoric, in any negative way, I truly am sorry. Most especially to Tamara…I am taking this vow of silence to honor you. I am taking this time and space to honor us and our relationship. I love you and I honor the highest place in you that simply needs some peace and quiet. At the beginning and end of this day, I am doing this for the evolvement of my own soul, to exhault my pinnacle with Aiden and to lift us all up. And so it is.
To my clients and friends who will encounter me this week, I will be in silence when I see you and you may talk to me and act as you normally would. There will be just be more space for both of us as I remain inside myself and my words. I will be blogging and texting, as my life and my wellness and my existence thrive upon contact with each of you. I am just evaluating what that will look like henceforth.
To each of you, happy Sunday. I love you and I sit in silence and solidarity for us all, that we may know the power of our words and choose them wisely and carefully. Words, once release into the universe, cannot be retrieved. Most especially, let us choose the words we speak to our children and the animals we share space with much more carefully. In my silence, I lift up our six pack, that they may know my silence, as I have screamed and begged for theirs. May they carry me as my heart softens and as my mouth closes, that I may relish in the beauty of their songs. As the dysfunction melts from me and as the trauma in the wake behind me falls away, I stand humble here before you with nothing else to say. And so it is.