Good morning everyone. Happy Wednesday. The struggle is real for me lately and writing is proving difficult. My heart aches and my soul cries and I’ve a million words and not a single fucking word to articulate how I feel. This morning I will try.
Have you ever learned something that you didn’t know you didn’t know? Today I learned that I have a choice. Given a situation that was over my limit this morning, I stopped and I realized that I didn’t want to react the way I used to react. I stopped and I shut the front door and I turned around and walked away. I made a choice to go take care of me…to go de-escalate me…to allow me to make my choice. I did not know I could do that. I have been so fucking disempowered by my own reactions at times that I did not know that I didn’t have to react. Thank God that when I know something I cannot not know it anymore, and so I cannot act like I do not know that I don’t have to react. I cannot choose the comfort of the known and not learn a new and better way. I also cannot scrape myself up off of the floor this morning, for how I came to know this. I cry for the sickness that is in us all…unrecognized, untreated…without nourishment or explanation, and simply because that is the way it has always been. We allow the unthinkable…the unfathomable and the unacceptable because we only know it that way. There is a better way. There is a different choice that we can make. I cannot know this and not share it with each of you this morning. We do not have to keep acting out and running old and outdated programs. We have a choice. I didn’t know I had a choice. Did you know that you had a choice? Now you do and I do too. We have a choice.
When you are half a second away from losing your shit…you have a choice. You have a choice to not lose your shit. Did you know that? Please…be honest. Did you know that before the angry and unkind words fly out of your mouth and damage someone else’s heart, that you have a choice? We are reactive and we do not fucking pause. We lose our shit, don’t we? We come undone and we don’t even know we have a choice. How do we not know that we have such a choice? It’s simple really…no one ever told us that we had a choice. We live based upon the lives of people that we call family and don’t even fucking know. We become who we are not simply because we are supposed to be someone else. This is all wrong. We are not supposed to be anyone other than who the fuck we are. Period. We have learned it wrong and we turned around and taught it wrong. You know what? That’s okay. It really is okay that we didn’t know…it’s perfect because we know now. We can shut the fuck up and we can pause and hold our tongues and we can wait until we have something kind and productive to say before we open our mouths again. We have that choice and therefore, we bear that responsibility, don’t we? I believe that when we know better, we do better. We have a choice. We all know that now, so let’s hold hands and make better choices, shall we?
The dog you just drove by with no food water or shelter…that’s on you. You know and you either do something or you don’t do something. You act or you don’t act on things that you know in your heart to be out of alignment. That homeless person…clearly not home free…homeless, fallen on hard fucking times and can’t get a fucking break to save their life…the one you just looked away from and rolled up your window, locked your door and cranked your fucking stereo up to avoid…she is still right there broken right in front of you. What you do or do not do though…that’s on you. You go to bed with that tonight, don’t you? We are eager to tell people of all of the people we have helped, aren’t we? Did you ever wonder why we don’t tell people about all of the people that we drove by yesterday as though they were not people at all? The dogs we save…we want you to know…what about all of the dogs we leave behind, as though it is someone else’s responsibility? It’s on your watch, it’s your responsibility. Ignore it…pass it off…mock and make fun of it…and let me tell you this…you just denied yourself your happy. You were given an opportunity to be of service…to make a different choice…to make a fucking difference…and you left it for someone else. You left your happy for the next person and you wonder why you are unhappy? You are unhappy because you are missing the whole point of why we are here in the first fucking place…we are here to be of service are here to walk each other home. We are here to love one another like a fucking verb, where they can feel it and like it fucking matters. When you matter, you feel that, don’t you? When you don’t matter, you feel that too, don’t you? So does everyone else my friend. So does everyone else.
The husband you don’t trust enough to be himself and the wife that you have made up just the way you like her…the kids you’ve stuffed in little boxes and the puppy in the backyard that no one touches…the slap across her face and the fist against his mouth…the twisting of your skin so fucking tight that you think your face will rip right off…the screaming and the yelling and the deafening silence of nothing at all for days…the look on your face of contempt and disgust that I spent my life trying to wipe off…we know these things because we have been these things somehow. We know these things because we are plagued by sickness that no one will even speak of…the sickness of the way we’ve always done it. Look around you and tell me how well that is working for all of us. “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Use your voice to make better choices. If you are doing and saying hurtful things…if you are doing nothing at all…do not be surprised when people finally hurt enough to stop being there to catch you. If you have an opportunity to call and to be there for someone and you choose not to be there…don’t be shocked when someone else is more than happy to be there. When the phone isn’t ringing and it’s not me anymore…don’t forget to remember all of the countless times you had a choice and decided not to call me. We make our beds…we have to learn how the fuck we are going to lie in them. As for me and my bed…now that I know I have a choice…you can bet your sweet ass that I will be making a better one. Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you.